Author Topic: Best one-liners  (Read 84845 times)

Offline whYME

  • Dansdeals Lifetime Platinum Elite
  • *******
  • Join Date: May 2008
  • Posts: 2414
  • Total likes: 88
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 3
  • Gender: Male
    • View Profile
Re: Best one-liners
« Reply #45 on: July 11, 2010, 10:52:33 PM »
Whoever said nothing is impossible obviously never tried slamming a revolving door.

Offline Yellow

  • Dansdeals Lifetime Platinum Elite
  • *******
  • Join Date: Dec 2009
  • Posts: 1297
  • Total likes: 0
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 0
    • View Profile
  • Programs: Starwood Gold, Hertz #1 gold, Accor Platinum, Hilton Gold, Hyatt Diamond
Re: Best one-liners
« Reply #46 on: July 12, 2010, 02:30:07 AM »
Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive

Offline MarkS

  • Dansdeals Presidential Platinum Elite
  • ********
  • Join Date: Dec 2009
  • Posts: 3688
  • Total likes: 12
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 5
  • Gender: Male
    • View Profile
Re: Best one-liners
« Reply #47 on: July 12, 2010, 09:09:33 AM »
Sign outside a Liquor store:   We  De-liver!
« Last Edit: July 12, 2010, 09:13:49 AM by MarkS »

Offline whYME

  • Dansdeals Lifetime Platinum Elite
  • *******
  • Join Date: May 2008
  • Posts: 2414
  • Total likes: 88
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 3
  • Gender: Male
    • View Profile
Re: Best one-liners
« Reply #48 on: July 12, 2010, 10:15:07 AM »
If "winners never quit" & "quitters never win" who is the genius who said "quit while you're ahead"?

Online Avid Reader

  • Dansdeals Presidential Platinum Elite
  • ********
  • Join Date: May 2008
  • Posts: 3994
  • Total likes: 2
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 2
    • View Profile
  • Location: NYC
  • Programs: Starwood Gold, Accor Gold, Hilton Gold, Hertz Five Star Gold, Marriott Silver, National Executive
Re: Best one-liners
« Reply #49 on: July 21, 2010, 08:42:48 AM »
Signs in some stores:

"Nobody is perfect, but someone has to do it".

"The deadline for all complains was yesterday".

"What part of NO don't you understand?"

"Our prices are based on obtaining quality products and giving you outstanding customer service. If you ask us for a discount, which one of these do you want us to take out?"
« Last Edit: July 21, 2010, 08:47:40 AM by Avid Reader »

Offline zalman123

  • Dansdeals Gold Elite
  • ***
  • Join Date: Oct 2009
  • Posts: 189
  • Total likes: 0
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 0
    • View Profile
Re: Best one-liners
« Reply #50 on: July 22, 2010, 03:16:32 PM »
"Education's purpose is to replace an empty mind with an open one".  "The world can't end today, because its already tomorrow in Australia"

Offline Chaikel

  • Global Moderator
  • Dansdeals Lifetime Presidential Platinum Elite
  • **********
  • Join Date: Jun 2008
  • Posts: 6710
  • Total likes: 10
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 20
  • Gender: Male
    • View Profile
  • Programs: LH SEN, SPG Plat, Hyatt Plat, Rav Kav Platinum
Re: Best one-liners
« Reply #51 on: July 22, 2010, 03:26:00 PM »
"The world can't end today, because its already tomorrow in Australia"
Sucks for Australians
Create professional looking itineraries.
Free trial! Check out eliteitinerary.com
Code:DD

Offline Chaikel

  • Global Moderator
  • Dansdeals Lifetime Presidential Platinum Elite
  • **********
  • Join Date: Jun 2008
  • Posts: 6710
  • Total likes: 10
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 20
  • Gender: Male
    • View Profile
  • Programs: LH SEN, SPG Plat, Hyatt Plat, Rav Kav Platinum
Re: Best one-liners
« Reply #52 on: August 03, 2010, 10:43:12 AM »
"A woman from Washington is suing American Airlines for 5 million dollars after they lost her luggage. When the airline said that's a ridiculous amount of money for luggage, she was like, 'Now you know how we feel.'"

-Jimmy Fallon
Create professional looking itineraries.
Free trial! Check out eliteitinerary.com
Code:DD

Offline mancunian

  • Dansdeals Lifetime Platinum Elite
  • *******
  • Join Date: Jul 2008
  • Posts: 1227
  • Total likes: 3
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 0
  • Gender: Male
    • View Profile
Re: Best one-liners
« Reply #53 on: August 09, 2010, 03:01:27 PM »
Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back

Sometimes you lend someone twenty bucks and you never see them again. Sometimes its worth it.

Offline mancunian

  • Dansdeals Lifetime Platinum Elite
  • *******
  • Join Date: Jul 2008
  • Posts: 1227
  • Total likes: 3
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 0
  • Gender: Male
    • View Profile
Re: Best one-liners
« Reply #54 on: August 10, 2010, 01:36:56 AM »
Everyone has their place in the world. Without fertalizer the grass wont grow green.

heard from b.s. c. from california

Offline Yellow

  • Dansdeals Lifetime Platinum Elite
  • *******
  • Join Date: Dec 2009
  • Posts: 1297
  • Total likes: 0
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 0
    • View Profile
  • Programs: Starwood Gold, Hertz #1 gold, Accor Platinum, Hilton Gold, Hyatt Diamond
Re: Best one-liners
« Reply #55 on: August 16, 2010, 05:20:26 PM »
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Online Avid Reader

  • Dansdeals Presidential Platinum Elite
  • ********
  • Join Date: May 2008
  • Posts: 3994
  • Total likes: 2
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 2
    • View Profile
  • Location: NYC
  • Programs: Starwood Gold, Accor Gold, Hilton Gold, Hertz Five Star Gold, Marriott Silver, National Executive
Re: Best one-liners
« Reply #56 on: August 16, 2010, 05:24:19 PM »
Parachutes for sale with lifetime guarantee: If it fails to open you get your money back.

Offline SuperFlyer

  • Dansdeals Lifetime Presidential Platinum Elite
  • *********
  • Join Date: Jul 2009
  • Posts: 8364
  • Total likes: 25
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 0
    • View Profile
Re: Best one-liners
« Reply #57 on: August 16, 2010, 07:41:09 PM »
I guess lifetime in the above applies to the guy/victim(/patient) taking the jump...

Online Avid Reader

  • Dansdeals Presidential Platinum Elite
  • ********
  • Join Date: May 2008
  • Posts: 3994
  • Total likes: 2
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 2
    • View Profile
  • Location: NYC
  • Programs: Starwood Gold, Accor Gold, Hilton Gold, Hertz Five Star Gold, Marriott Silver, National Executive
Re: Best one-liners
« Reply #58 on: August 16, 2010, 09:57:06 PM »
Exactly!

Offline SuperFlyer

  • Dansdeals Lifetime Presidential Platinum Elite
  • *********
  • Join Date: Jul 2009
  • Posts: 8364
  • Total likes: 25
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 0
    • View Profile
Re: Best one-liners
« Reply #59 on: August 17, 2010, 07:44:03 PM »
The  Eternal Jewish Truths of Your Grandmotherís Talmud     

Some might be old, but still a must.                                                                                                           

 
  • The optimist sees the bagel, the pessimist sees the hole.
  • If you canít say something nice, say it in Yiddish.
  • If it tastes good, itís probably not Kosher.
  • None looks good in a yarmulke .
  • Why spoil a good meal with a big tip?
  • Gentiles  leave and never say goodbye, Jews say goodbye and never leave.
  • Twenty percent off is a bargain; fifty percent off is a mitzvah.
  • Israel is the land of milk and honey; New York City is the area of milk of Magnesia. 
  • Its always a bad hair day if youíre bald.
  • None leaves a Jewish wedding hungry but then again, none leaves with a hangover.
  • The High Holidays have absolutely nothing tdwith marijuana.
  • Whatís swrong with dry turkey?
  • Always whisper the names of diseases.
  • One Mitzvah can change the world; twwill just make you tired.
  • If you donít eat, it will kill me.
  • Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.
  • Where thereís smoke, there may be smoked salmon.
  • Never take a front row seat at a bris.
  • Next year in Jerusalem, the year after that, how about a nice cruise?
  • Never leave a restaurant empty handed.
  • A bad matzoh ball makes a good paperweight.
  • A schmata is a dress that your husbandís ex is wearing.
  • Without Jewish mothers, whwould need therapy?
  • Before you read the menu, read the prices.
  • There comes a time in every manís life when he must stand up and tell his mother heís an adult. This usually happens at around 45.
  • According tJewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants.
  • Tsouris is a Yiddish word that means your child is marrying someone whisnít Jewish.
  • If youíre going twhisper at the movies, make sure itís loud enough for everyone to hear
  • What business is a yenta in?   Yours.
  • If you have task the price, you canít afford itÖ..
  • But if you can afford it, make sure you tell everybody what you paid.
  • Never pay retail