Some very true statements. * Going to shul doesn't make you a tzadik any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. * Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. * If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
* We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
* War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
* Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
* The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
* Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
* To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
* A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
* How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
* Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
* Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
* I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted pay checks.
* A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
* Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR."
* I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
* Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars but checks when you say the paint is wet?
* A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
* You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
* The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
* Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
* Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
* Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
* Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
* I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
* I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
* When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
* You're never too old to learn something stupid.
* To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
* A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.