Jokes Master Thread

[yakov116]

Mechanical engineers make weapons, civil engineers make targets.

I do tech support and reset a guys password like 6 times. The password is a weak one case sensitive letters and regular numbers. Finally customer asks after the 6th time if he should be using capital numbers or lowercase numbers?

[ExGingi]

A collection of husband/wife jokes just sent to me:

A bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman – “Which book has helped you most in your life?”
The woman replied – “My husband’s cheque book !!”
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A prospective husband in a book store asked “Do you have a book called, ‘Husband – the Master of the House’?
Sales Girl: “Sir, Fiction and Comics are on the 1st floor!”.
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Someone asked an old man : “Even after 70 years, you still call your wife – Darling, Honey, Luv. What’s the secret ?
Old man: I forgot her name and I’m scared to ask her.
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Wife: I wish I was a newspaper, so I’d be in your hands all day.
Husband : I  wish that too, so I could have a new one every day !
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Husband to wife – Today is a fine day. Next day he repeats : Today is a fine day. Again, the next day he says the same thing. Finally after a week, the wife couldn’t take it anymore and asks: “for the last week, you have said “Today is a fine day". I am fed up. What’s the matter?”
Husband : “Last week, when we had an argument, you said, “I will leave you one fine day.” I was trying to remind you…"

[myi]

Some People are so poor, that all they have it money.

[Work-for-ur-muny]

Some People are so poor, that all they have it money.

Here on DDF this has a special meaning! 

[Dan]

https://imgur.com/gallery/Y5uHp

[etech0]

https://imgur.com/gallery/Y5uHp

FTFY

[MeirS]

FTFY

Thanks. Link blocked by filter.

In England they say, "How do you get 2 whales in a mini? Up the M4!"
I don't know how many non Brits will get it though.

[Dan]

FTFY

There's 25 more.

[etech0]

There's 25 more.

missed that

[etech0]

go to kohls.com and search for "k-cups" without the quotes

[as2]

go to kohls.com and search for "k-cups" without the quotes

? I'm just seeing coffee pods for Keurig machines, feels very appropriate for the keywords. Am I missing something?

[etech0]

? I'm just seeing coffee pods for Keurig machines, feels very appropriate for the keywords. Am I missing something?

check out the 3rd page

[yuneeq]

check out the 3rd page

17th result?

[etech0]

17th result?

Not for me. Here's a screenshot:

[username]

Fed-ex and UPS are merging.




will be called Fed-up.

[as2]

Fed-ex and UPS are merging.




will be called Fed-up.

Can't wait to try out the UP-ex method.

[ExGingi]

Most of these don't translate, some are really good.


אם מישהו רכב על סוס ועזב, אז הוא פרש או לא?
 😄
להודות למישהו בפה מלא, זה מנומס או לא?
😛
איך חב"דניק יודע מה לעשות כשמישהו אומר לו "תניח לי"?
😄
אם ארכיאולוג העלה חרס בידו, זה סימן שהוא הצליח או לא?
☺
האם למי שעובד במפעל לספרי קודש יש מידי יום סידורים?
😃
האם יש ערבים לזכרו של הרב כהנא?
😇
אם אתה רוצה לקבל תשובות, כנס לחנות שעונים.
☺
מצחיק שלאלה שהדליקו את המנורה קוראים מכבים.
😂
באיסטנבול לא סוגרים דלתות. הם טורקים.
😅
מה עושים הגויים כשהם ישנים? נוכרים.
😴
שקלתי הרבה לפני שהחלטתי לעשות דיאטה.
😂
חיפשתי את עצמי בויקיפדיה ולא מצאתי. מרגיש חסר ערך.
☺
אם הבעיה שלך היא כסף ואין לך כסף אז אין לך בעיה, לא?
🤑
הבוקר קניתי במאפיה קוראסון ובורקס. הקוראסון לא היה טעים, אבל הבורקס פיצה.
😋
יש לי חבר שלא יודע מאיפה מגיעים מי מעיין. זה נובע מבורות.
😁
תמיד כשאומרים לי שאני כוכב אני ישר מאדים. ובצדק.
🤗
רציתי להפתיע את החברה שלי בעבודה בפרחים, אבל במקום שהיא עובדת יש שלט שאוסר כניסה לזרים.
אז הכנסתי פרח פרח.
😘
הדברים הכי מוזרים שהאדם החליט לעשות מהם אוכל: דג מ-לוח חלב מ-פוסטר שוקולד מ-ריר.
(בעיקר האחרון ממש מגעיל..)
😁
ללחוץ על מקש F1 לעזרה,
 זה בדיוק כמו לבקש עזרה מאף אחד.
😂
היום אחד העיר לי שהזקן שלי על הפנים, אמרתי לו, וכי מה חשבת שהוא יהיה על כף היד?...
🤗

[etech0]

A non-Jewish fellow named Brett walked into a Jewish bakery and smelled the fine smell of challah baking and couldn’t resist and had to have one. He brought it up to the cash register.

“Ninety five dollars,” said the attendant.

“Ninety five dollars!” Brett replied, flabbergasted. “How can that be?”

“Five dollars goes for the challah and ninety dollars goes to support Israel,” the attendant replied.

Not wanting to look like he didn’t support Israel and desperate to try the challah, Brett agreed.

The next week Brett was passing the bakery again and couldn’t help himself and came in. He saw a bobka that looked particularly appealing and the challah had been so good, he took it up to the cash register.

“Two hundred and twenty five dollars,” said the attendant.

“Two hundred and twenty five dollars?!” Brett replied. “You must be joking!”

“Five dollars for the bobka and two hundred and twenty goes to Israel.”

“But I just want the bobka,” Brett replied. “If I want to give money to Israel, that should be my choice.”

“If you don’t want to support Israel, we don’t want your business,” replied the attendant.

Brett was in a jam, he of course did support Israel…and he really wanted that bobka…so he paid the money. And it was worth it.

The next week Brett was walking by the bakery again, and while he should have known better, he walked in and this time his eyes locked in on the most delicious looking rugelach he had ever seen. He ordered a dozen and went to the cash register.

“Four hundred and fifty dollars,” said the attendant.

“What?!”

“Five dollars for the rugelach and four hundred and forty five dollars for Israel,” replied the attendant.

“Listen to what you are saying!” said Brett. “It doesn’t make any sense. How do you even stay in business?”

“That’s the way we do things. If you don’t like it, you can leave,” said the attendant.

“I want to talk to the manager. This is crazy,” said Brett.

“Have it your way,” said the attendant. He turned around and yelled into the back of the store, “Israel, this guy here wants to talk to you!”

[Iz]

The American President has challenged the British Prime Minister to a debate. Nobody knows what may happen. Trump may trump May or May may trump Trump.

Here is a riddle version of this:
Make sense out of this: trump may trump may may may trump trump.
Obviously, it only works orally.

[ckmk47]

While I sit in my car outside JFK waiting for someone whose plane is waiting for a gate, I reread those  45 jokes above. 
I've been literally laughing out loud. 
Thanks.