Jokes Master Thread

[Dan]

"How many blackouts does each team get per game? Baltimore better use one soon... #superbowl47"

"It was The Pinch"

"If aliens began watching us this year they probably think all our major national events honor Beyoncé"

" Somewhere at MIT there's a comp sci major from San Francisco laughing really hard right now. #SuperBowl47"

" I turned the lights off in my house to feel like I'm at the game. ‪#superbowl"

"This is a publicity stunt for Star Trek: Into Darkness ‪#SuperBowl "

"So now Daniel Craig comes over in a helicopter and the Queen parachutes down to fix the lights... wait, no, wrong event.

"In hindsight, maybe installing The Clapper was a bad idea."

"Next time my girlfriend is winning an argument, I'll just throw the circuit breaker and give it 35 minutes ‪#superbowl47"

[good sam]

"In hindsight, maybe installing The Clapper was a bad idea."

best by far

[good sam]

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC.

Nothing was moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a
$100 million dollar ransom.

Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on
fire.

We are going from car to car, collecting donations."


"How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks.


The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."

[Yossi.]

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC.

Nothing was moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a
$100 million dollar ransom.

Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on
fire.

We are going from car to car, collecting donations."


"How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks.


The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."

lol. very good

[Moishebatchy]

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC.

Nothing was moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a
$100 million dollar ransom.

Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on
fire.

We are going from car to car, collecting donations."


"How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks.


The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."

Old one. Has been said about everyone ranging from Oprah to Obama.

[good sam]

Old one. Has been said about everyone ranging from Oprah to Obama.

There's one in every crowd, guys

[Saver2000]

There's one in every crowd, guys

Never heard it. Thanx for the laugh.

[elikay]

Never heard it. Thanx for the laugh.

+1

[Achas Veachas]

[Chaikel]

A little long, but worthwhile.

The Israeli Dog vs. The Arab Dog

The Israelis and Arabs realized that, if they continued fighting, they would someday end up destroying the whole world. So they decided to settle their dispute with an ancient practice: a duel of two, like David and Goliath. This "duel" would be a dog fight.

The negotiators agreed each side would take 5 years to develop the best fighting dog they could. The dog that won the fight would earn its people the right to rule the disputed areas. The losing side would have to lay down its arms for good.

The Arabs found the biggest, meanest Dobermans and Rottweilers in the world. They bred them together and then crossed their offspring with the meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest, strongest puppy of each litter, fed it the best food and killed all the other puppies. They used steroids and trainers in their quest for the perfect killing machine. After the 5 years were up, they had a dog that needed steel prison bars on its cage. Only expert trainers could handle this incredibly nasty and ferocious beast.

When the day of the big dog-fight finally arrived, the Israelis showed up with a very strange-looking animal, a Dachshund that was 10 feet long!

Everyone at the dogfight arena felt sorry for the Israelis. No one there seriously thought this weird, odd-looking animal stood any chance against the growling beast over in the Arab camp. All the bookies took one look and predicted that the Arab dog would win in less than a minute.

As the cages were opened, the Dachshund slowly waddled toward the center of the ring.

The Arab dog leaped from its cage and charged the giant wiener-dog.

As he got to within an inch of the Israeli dog, the Dachshund opened its jaws and swallowed the Arab beast whole in one bite. There was nothing left but a small puff of fur from the Arab killer dog's tail floating to the ground.

The stunned crowd of international observers, bookies and media personnel let out a collective gasp of disbelief and surprise.

The Arabs approached the Israelis, muttering and shaking their heads in disbelief. "We do not understand," said their leader, "Our top scientists and breeders worked for 5 long years with the meanest, biggest Dobermans, Rottweilers and Siberian wolves, and they developed an incredible killing machine of a dog!"

The Israelis replied. "Well, for 5 years, we have had a team of Jewish plastic surgeons from Boca Raton working to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."

[WhyAich]

A little long, but worthwhile.

The Israeli Dog vs. The Arab Dog

The Israelis and Arabs realized that, if they continued fighting, they would someday end up destroying the whole world. So they decided to settle their dispute with an ancient practice: a duel of two, like David and Goliath. This "duel" would be a dog fight.

The negotiators agreed each side would take 5 years to develop the best fighting dog they could. The dog that won the fight would earn its people the right to rule the disputed areas. The losing side would have to lay down its arms for good.

The Arabs found the biggest, meanest Dobermans and Rottweilers in the world. They bred them together and then crossed their offspring with the meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest, strongest puppy of each litter, fed it the best food and killed all the other puppies. They used steroids and trainers in their quest for the perfect killing machine. After the 5 years were up, they had a dog that needed steel prison bars on its cage. Only expert trainers could handle this incredibly nasty and ferocious beast.

When the day of the big dog-fight finally arrived, the Israelis showed up with a very strange-looking animal, a Dachshund that was 10 feet long!

Everyone at the dogfight arena felt sorry for the Israelis. No one there seriously thought this weird, odd-looking animal stood any chance against the growling beast over in the Arab camp. All the bookies took one look and predicted that the Arab dog would win in less than a minute.

As the cages were opened, the Dachshund slowly waddled toward the center of the ring.

The Arab dog leaped from its cage and charged the giant wiener-dog.

As he got to within an inch of the Israeli dog, the Dachshund opened its jaws and swallowed the Arab beast whole in one bite. There was nothing left but a small puff of fur from the Arab killer dog's tail floating to the ground.

The stunned crowd of international observers, bookies and media personnel let out a collective gasp of disbelief and surprise.

The Arabs approached the Israelis, muttering and shaking their heads in disbelief. "We do not understand," said their leader, "Our top scientists and breeders worked for 5 long years with the meanest, biggest Dobermans, Rottweilers and Siberian wolves, and they developed an incredible killing machine of a dog!"

The Israelis replied. "Well, for 5 years, we have had a team of Jewish plastic surgeons from Boca Raton working to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."

typical israelis!

[Moishebatchy]

A little long, but worthwhile.

The Israeli Dog vs. The Arab Dog

ALOL!!!

[Ebaystores]

Goldberg was bragging to his boss one day, "You know,
I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone,
anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK,
Goldberg, how about Tom Cruise?"

"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

So Goldberg and his boss fly out to Hollywood and
knock on Tom Cruise's door and sure enough, Tom
Cruise, shouts, "Goldberg! Great to see you! You and
your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"

Although impressed, Goldberg's boss is still
skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells
Goldberg that he thinks Goldberg's knowing Cruise was
just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Goldberg says.
"President Bush," his boss quickly retorts. "Yes,"
Goldberg says, "I know him, let's fly out to
Washington."

And off they go. At the White House, Bush spots
Goldberg on the tour and motions him and his boss
over, saying, "Goldberg, what a surprise, I was just
on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come
on in. Let's have a cup of coffee first, and catch up Well,
the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses
his doubts to Goldberg, who again implores him to name
anyone else.

"The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Goldberg.
"I've known the Pope a long time."

So off they fly to Rome. Goldberg and his boss are
assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when
Goldberg says, "This will never work... I can't catch
the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what,
I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and
I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the
Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Goldberg
emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time
Goldberg returns, he finds that his boss has had a
heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working
his way to his boss's side, Goldberg asks him, "What
happened?"

His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until
you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the
Japanese tourist next to me asked, 'Who's that on the
balcony with Goldberg?'"

[jj1000]

Goldberg was bragging to his boss one day, "You know,
I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone,
anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK,
Goldberg, how about Tom Cruise?"

"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

So Goldberg and his boss fly out to Hollywood and
knock on Tom Cruise's door and sure enough, Tom
Cruise, shouts, "Goldberg! Great to see you! You and
your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"

Although impressed, Goldberg's boss is still
skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells
Goldberg that he thinks Goldberg's knowing Cruise was
just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Goldberg says.
"President Bush," his boss quickly retorts. "Yes,"
Goldberg says, "I know him, let's fly out to
Washington."

And off they go. At the White House, Bush spots
Goldberg on the tour and motions him and his boss
over, saying, "Goldberg, what a surprise, I was just
on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come
on in. Let's have a cup of coffee first, and catch up Well,
the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses
his doubts to Goldberg, who again implores him to name
anyone else.

"The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Goldberg.
"I've known the Pope a long time."

So off they fly to Rome. Goldberg and his boss are
assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when
Goldberg says, "This will never work... I can't catch
the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what,
I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and
I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the
Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Goldberg
emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time
Goldberg returns, he finds that his boss has had a
heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working
his way to his boss's side, Goldberg asks him, "What
happened?"

His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until
you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the
Japanese tourist next to me asked, 'Who's that on the
balcony with Goldberg?'"

better than I expected. Thanks

[L'Chaim]

better than I expected. Thanks

+1

[jj1000]

A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved.
But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.

“Janie, do you have a story to share?"

''Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy.
She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit.
She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife."

"She drank the whiskey on the way down, because it is cold at 15,000 feet, and so the bottle wouldn't break,
and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.
She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets,
killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the
last Iraqi with her bare hands."

''Good Heavens," said the horrified teacher.

"What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?"

"Don't mess with Mommy when she's been drinking."

[world2see]

any good bar mitzvah jokes?

[Ebaystores]

any good bar mitzvah jokes?

David is telling a new joke to Yossi.
"Yitzhak and Hymie were talking one day..."
Right away, Yossi interrupts him. "Always with the Jewish jokes! Give it a rest! Why do your jokes always have to be about Jews? Just change the names to another ethnic group for once will you David!"
So David starts again, "Hashimoto and Suzuki were talking one day at their nephew's Bar Mitzvah...."

[world2see]

 :)ty  keep em coming

[Achas Veachas]

Moshe was a bragger and loved to out-do his friends whenever he could and now it was coming up to the time of his son David's barmitzvah. He gave it a lot of thought and then, after studying many brochures and maps, he hit upon a perfect, unique way to celebrate – a barmitzvah safari. Surely no one has ever done THAT before!

So Moshe went ahead with the detailed arrangements. He started off by hiring a special flight to Africa to accommodate all the invited family and friends. Then he chose a guide and his bearers. He phoned the guide long distance and told him what he wanted.

“I want my entourage to be able to hear jungle chants; I want to be able to shoot some wild animals, on film of course; I need a clearing to be found where my Rabbi can hold the service; and I want my David to be able to recite his prayers in Hebrew whilst standing on the body of an anaesthetised lion.”
“OK,” said the guide, “no problem.”

The guests were ecstatic when they received details of the weekend and all accepted their invite. Come the day of departure, they were all flown to Africa. On arrival, the guide and bearers were waiting for them, together with 30 elephants. Off they went with the guide leading the way and directing the elephants along the narrow trails through the rain forest.  But then, just 5hours into the journey, the column of elephants came to a sudden halt and the guide shouted, “There will now be a delay of 2 hours.”

Moshe was angry at this. “Why the delay?” he asked his guide.

“There’s nothing I can do,” said the guide, “there’s another two barmitzvah safaris ahead of us.”