Author Topic: Dating in the jewish world while disabled  (Read 3985 times)

Offline sky121

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Re: Dating in the jewish world while disabled
« Reply #30 on: February 13, 2018, 07:56:09 AM »
This may also be because when you meet someone you like you're more open to saying yes even if you see or find out they have a disability and with many Jewish women they are just being told about a person so they're just saying no to the disability and not the guy necessarily.
I can imagine how hard this is.
Women and men say no for far sillier things than disabilities unfortunately so it's no surprise.
Reading further into the thread I see this was spoken about.
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Offline saw50st8

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Re: Dating in the jewish world while disabled
« Reply #31 on: February 13, 2018, 08:18:22 AM »
Shidduch dating is all about attempting to cherry pick the traits you want in a spouse. In a system where superficial things are really important (like the color of your table cloth), why wouldn't you expect a disability to be a big deal? It's basically about matching up the deficits each person brings to the table to keep an even score.  Although I do think the shidduch world is pretty ridiculous when it comes to attempting matches. Someone redt a blind man to my deaf sister. She wasn't against the match because he was blind but boy would that make life complicated for them! My sister ended up marrying a wonderful (hearing) man.

She does make it seem like that's solely the reason she isn't married. I have plenty of FFB, thin, beautiful friends with great jobs and who aren't disabled who are single too.

Offline gingyguy

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Re: Dating in the jewish world while disabled
« Reply #32 on: February 13, 2018, 08:24:01 AM »
Shidduch dating is all about attempting to cherry pick the traits you want in a spouse. In a system where superficial things are really important (like the color of your table cloth), why wouldn't you expect a disability to be a big deal? It's basically about matching up the deficits each person brings to the table to keep an even score.  Although I do think the shidduch world is pretty ridiculous when it comes to attempting matches. Someone redt a blind man to my deaf sister. She wasn't against the match because he was blind but boy would that make life complicated for them! My sister ended up marrying a wonderful (hearing) man.

She does make it seem like that's solely the reason she isn't married. I have plenty of FFB, thin, beautiful friends with great jobs and who aren't disabled who are single too.
and like i said i know more than 1 frum person with a a disability that  married a perfectly healthy person .
May you slide down the banister of happiness & get many splinters of success up your career.

Offline chevron

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Re: Dating in the jewish world while disabled
« Reply #33 on: February 13, 2018, 11:03:51 AM »
Maybe I'm confused, but if you're ruling out a disabled person outright, isn't that just as hypocritical as you're making others out to be?
Can your soulmate not be disabled?

I said it depends what. Or who the woman was etc. But honestly, I've spent too much of my life in hospitals and doctors etc I just want it to be done for.

But I never ruled it out,i merely find offense that offers to date center around other disabled people. It underlines the fact that they aren't taking me seriously, obviously these are generally not close friends and they are nice but they are basically saying "oh you've got this issue, oh yeah let's put you in the back with all the others with issues "

Eff that,i love my life. I'm happy, I don't need that bs so, like the writer, I don't date.


Offline Yehuda57

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Re: Dating in the jewish world while disabled
« Reply #34 on: February 13, 2018, 11:30:23 AM »



Yes and no.  Bad choices of doctors and bad surgical procedures to remove tumors left my face scarred. I could fix it with more surgery but at this point I'm just tired of it all. If that was a factor of attraction and something I needed to fix, it would be my responsibility to fix it.

Years of untreated spinal stenosis and bad lifestyle choices made me very weak. I owned up to it, insurance didn't cover physical therapy, I didn't get to gym. I pay for after care rehab 3 times a week and there are other people there fighting for a better life. ..

im sympathetic to people's challenges,but I would not be attracted to that.

You think anyone who is overweight is just too lazy or disinterested to diet and exercise?
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Online skyguy918

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Re: Dating in the jewish world while disabled
« Reply #35 on: February 13, 2018, 11:32:28 AM »
I said it depends what. Or who the woman was etc. But honestly, I've spent too much of my life in hospitals and doctors etc I just want it to be done for.

But I never ruled it out,i merely find offense that offers to date center around other disabled people. It underlines the fact that they aren't taking me seriously, obviously these are generally not close friends and they are nice but they are basically saying "oh you've got this issue, oh yeah let's put you in the back with all the others with issues "

Eff that,i love my life. I'm happy, I don't need that bs so, like the writer, I don't date.
I'm no defender of shadchanim (I'm sure there are good ones and bad ones), but I don't think they're pushing the issue on disabilities. I think in this instance they're probably in line with what people actually want. Which is to say that it's a nice idea to push for people to keep an open mind, but it's not a simple thing for an able bodied individual to take on a life together with a spouse with a disability (though obviously the specifics of the disability matter greatly).

Offline chevron

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Re: Dating in the jewish world while disabled
« Reply #36 on: February 13, 2018, 11:47:52 AM »

You think anyone who is overweight is just too lazy or disinterested to diet and exercise?

No, I dont.  I said im critical, dating wise at least. I'd be sympathetic otherwise. I feel the same way for deaf people that dont get hearing implants.


Offline chevron

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Re: Dating in the jewish world while disabled
« Reply #37 on: February 13, 2018, 11:49:34 AM »
I'm no defender of shadchanim (I'm sure there are good ones and bad ones), but I don't think they're pushing the issue on disabilities. I think in this instance they're probably in line with what people actually want. Which is to say that it's a nice idea to push for people to keep an open mind, but it's not a simple thing for an able bodied individual to take on a life together with a spouse with a disability (though obviously the specifics of the disability matter greatly).

That answers what @Dan asked me and in my case even more so. I overcame everything, I would not want to have another disability to deal with.

Offline aygart

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Re: Dating in the jewish world while disabled
« Reply #38 on: February 13, 2018, 01:03:55 PM »
That answers what @Dan asked me and in my case even more so. I overcame everything, I would not want to have another disability to deal with.
Then you should understand why someone who did not need to deal with all that wouldn't want to get started with it either.
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Offline saw50st8

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Re: Dating in the jewish world while disabled
« Reply #39 on: February 13, 2018, 01:43:52 PM »
I think shidduchim is one of the few places it is ok to discriminate. No person should have to compromise if they don't want to. It doesn't matter how superficial it is or what others think. I've read some people's lists of requirements and thought they were pretty crazy but it isn't my life to lead.

That being said, I can empathize with how tough it must be to be "different" in some way in the shidduch world.

Online skyguy918

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Re: Dating in the jewish world while disabled
« Reply #40 on: February 13, 2018, 01:59:30 PM »
I think shidduchim is one of the few places it is ok to discriminate. No person should have to compromise if they don't want to. It doesn't matter how superficial it is or what others think. I've read some people's lists of requirements and thought they were pretty crazy but it isn't my life to lead.
While I agree with this, when a person is extremely 'discriminating', they probably shouldn't complain when they can't find someone who fits the bill. And they shouldn't be surprised if people get frustrated when others stop trying to set them up because no one is good enough.

Offline Denverite

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Re: Dating in the jewish world while disabled
« Reply #41 on: February 13, 2018, 03:03:28 PM »
While I agree with this, when a person is extremely 'discriminating', they probably shouldn't complain when they can't find someone who fits the bill. And they shouldn't be surprised if people get frustrated when others stop trying to set them up because no one is good enough.

+1 Obviously no one has to compromise if they don't want to but then there are consequences to this personal choice (like every other choice).  I think this issue is the biggest part of the "shidduch crisis" for men and women, we just see it more with women because as they age their dating pool shrinks more sharply and rapidly.

Thanks denverite.

But I'm just using her and the article as an example. I never used matchmakers or bothered with online dating.

A close friend of mine who is a shliach, hounded me to date a girl, maybe it was a good match but the way it was presented was that I have problems and she does and hey 2 pieces to the puzzle.

Well you ever do a puzzle and 2 pieces are alike at first but don't fit?

I'm just turned off in general to get offers simply because I may be considered disabled and so is she.

It's insulting and offensive to both of them.

meanwhile, while the world was often cruel to me when I was young, thank god I thrive amongst hundreds of friends (if I said thousands, the ddf police will call me out..  But somehow I feel I have thousands of friends?!)

You guys thankfully don't have these challenges, I'll be honest here, there's not enough tears in the world to describe being in shull on rosh hashana, in your head you hear them singing the daled bavos, you hear the bracha, and you hear the shofar blast and it's all in your head.

Can you imagine what it's like putting on tefillen when you've #1 lost coordination in your right hand, still considered a halachik righty, have 2 large tumors in the palm of your left hand, drop your Shel rosh when putting it on your hand and crying to god when saying shema because still, still with all this you love god bechol levavcha, bechol nafshecha, bechol meodecha.

These are real every day struggles I went through. Thank god I got my hearing back, I got the tumors out.

But the struggles between man and god I can't change, those are intimate. I love god, we fight, we make up.

But the struggles of humanity, that's bs. Judaism evolves around marriage and having kids and building a home.

Why, why should I put myself in the court of public opinion, I do it here for the odd shits and giggles or to express opinions but why would someone disabled reality disabled or not have to be dragged in public.

So, I'm sure my soul mate is out there, I know I have a lot to offer, great wine is certainly one of them, but hell no I'd never go date random blind dates or get near a matchmaker, I'm not a curiosity circus.

Everything you are writing is breaking my heart and you are right it is flippin' HARD to put yourself out there!!  Also, the more I think about it maybe you shouldn't do the normal shidduch dating because a lot of it is offensive.

It still makes me sad that you have basically stated here that you don't have the energy to try to be in a serious relationship (and trust me it is freaking emotionally exhausting, especially when you throw in kids...lol).  I might get in trouble with the more, right wing crowd here, but why not try some frum online dating though?  It might actually be perfect for you because don't put a picture if you don't want, write a kick butt, hilarious description of yourself (which already comes through in your posts) and you can still explain your disability, health issues, ahead so you don't have to be nervous about being rejected for that reason.  Any women that want to be in touch with you already know your schtick and did so because of your caustic sense of humor, you'll have lots of great wine, love travel and adventure and you want to take your wife on awesome free trips in J.  Heck, I practically just wrote it for you! :P   True, I happen to think judgy, sometimes jack@SS guys are hilarious but so do lots of other women and yes I just called you that but it in positive way...lol.  Also, quite frankly it is WAY easier for a man in general because women are not as fixated about looks but are maybe more judgy if men don't have other aspects of their lives together (so it helps to have your other stuff put together). 

Seriously, the crux of any person's dating journey is to figure out how to "put themselves out there" in the least painful way, become as attractive possible on all levels (not just outwardly) and be emotionally in a place where you truly want to give to others (I'm sensing too much anger and hurt from you and this girl in the article to do that right now) so that everyone senses that part of you and it will be very attractive all the people you meet and put you in a place to actually have a good relationship.
« Last Edit: February 13, 2018, 03:10:35 PM by Denverite »

Offline cmey

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Re: Dating in the jewish world while disabled
« Reply #42 on: February 13, 2018, 04:35:13 PM »
+1 Obviously no one has to compromise if they don't want to but then there are consequences to this personal choice (like every other choice).  I think this issue is the biggest part of the "shidduch crisis" for men and women, we just see it more with women because as they age their dating pool shrinks more sharply and rapidly.

Everything you are writing is breaking my heart and you are right it is flippin' HARD to put yourself out there!!  Also, the more I think about it maybe you shouldn't do the normal shidduch dating because a lot of it is offensive.

It still makes me sad that you have basically stated here that you don't have the energy to try to be in a serious relationship (and trust me it is freaking emotionally exhausting, especially when you throw in kids...lol).  I might get in trouble with the more, right wing crowd here, but why not try some frum online dating though?  It might actually be perfect for you because don't put a picture if you don't want, write a kick butt, hilarious description of yourself (which already comes through in your posts) and you can still explain your disability, health issues, ahead so you don't have to be nervous about being rejected for that reason.  Any women that want to be in touch with you already know your schtick and did so because of your caustic sense of humor, you'll have lots of great wine, love travel and adventure and you want to take your wife on awesome free trips in J.  Heck, I practically just wrote it for you! :P   True, I happen to think judgy, sometimes jack@SS guys are hilarious but so do lots of other women and yes I just called you that but it in positive way...lol.  Also, quite frankly it is WAY easier for a man in general because women are not as fixated about looks but are maybe more judgy if men don't have other aspects of their lives together (so it helps to have your other stuff put together). 



I think that even the right wing crowd here would have to admit that the current system (largely the last 30 years) is not working for everyone. Are those who the current system canít/ wonít service supposed to just resign themselves to their fate? Obviously they need to try other venues that will work for them. I donít know if itís some form of online dating or other option.

Same goes for older singles. Should they be doing the same thing they tried when they were 19 when they are 35 and hope for a different result? Years ago, at least in the US, there was a lot more informality to the process, providing more opportunity for those with issues to find their zivug. Its for bigger people than me to decide, but perhaps itís time to acknowledge that the current system is not working for everyone, and there is a place for more informal means of Shidduchim for those who are clearly being left out...

Offline avromie7

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Re: Dating in the jewish world while disabled
« Reply #43 on: February 13, 2018, 04:45:52 PM »
I think that even the right wing crowd here would have to admit that the current system (largely the last 30 years) is not working for everyone. Are those who the current system canít/ wonít service supposed to just resign themselves to their fate? Obviously they need to try other venues that will work for them. I donít know if itís some form of online dating or other option.

Same goes for older singles. Should they be doing the same thing they tried when they were 19 when they are 35 and hope for a different result? Years ago, at least in the US, there was a lot more informality to the process, providing more opportunity for those with issues to find their zivug. Its for bigger people than me to decide, but perhaps itís time to acknowledge that the current system is not working for everyone, and there is a place for more informal means of Shidduchim for those who are clearly being left out...
A few years ago, they started doing speed dating in Lakewood, it has the backing of R' Jacobs.
I wonder what people who type "u" instead of "you" do with all their free time.

Offline sky121

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Re: Dating in the jewish world while disabled
« Reply #44 on: February 13, 2018, 05:17:41 PM »
At the end of the day I believe if frum people could actually just meet those of the opposite sex there would be a lot more shidduchim. When you start judging on paper you definitely nix out people you could connect with, love and build a home with.

"Not all who wander are lost"