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DansDeals Forum => Just Shmooze => Topic started by: aussiebochur on May 30, 2010, 03:16:22 AM

Title: Best one-liners
Post by: aussiebochur on May 30, 2010, 03:16:22 AM
Anyone have any good ones?
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Smirk on May 30, 2010, 03:18:55 AM
When all is said and done, much more is said than done
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: mancunian on May 30, 2010, 05:03:36 AM
בשעה שאמר הקב"ה לי הכסף ולי הזהב באו ישראל ואמרו אני לדודי ודודי לי
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Chaikel on May 30, 2010, 06:44:24 AM
The greatest proof of intelligent extraterrestrial life, is that they haven't tried to contact us.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Dan on May 30, 2010, 07:59:48 AM
בשעה שאמר הקב"ה לי הכסף ולי הזהב באו ישראל ואמרו אני לדודי ודודי לי
:D
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: SuperFlyer on May 30, 2010, 09:06:00 AM
It was believed that a billion monkeys at a billion keyboards, could reproduce the entire work of shakespeare; now, thanks to the internet, we know this is not true.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: SuperFlyer on May 30, 2010, 09:08:06 AM
Microsoft Works: oxymoron.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: SuperFlyer on May 30, 2010, 09:09:40 AM
If Microsoft were to sell vacuum cleaners,they probably wouldn't suck.

Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Avid Reader on May 30, 2010, 10:26:14 AM
Whats this MS bashing about, have they been that bad?
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: aussiebochur on May 30, 2010, 10:34:53 AM
War does not determine who is right -only who is left.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: SuperFlyer on May 30, 2010, 10:39:04 AM
If you are deep into the computer world you are going to know what I mean about MS.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: SuperFlyer on May 30, 2010, 10:39:39 AM
Just think of Vista, as an example.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Avid Reader on May 30, 2010, 10:44:07 AM
Just think of Vista, as an example.
Gotcha. This is off topic but do you use another OS other then windows?
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Avid Reader on May 30, 2010, 10:45:21 AM
Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Avid Reader on May 30, 2010, 10:46:18 AM
When I married Mr Right, I didn't know his first name was always.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Avid Reader on May 30, 2010, 10:46:52 AM
Wife and dog lost, reward for dog.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Mikeoracle on May 30, 2010, 12:05:10 PM
Obama and G-d both don't have birth certificates, but G-d doesn't think he is Obama!
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Crazy tools on May 30, 2010, 02:45:45 PM
if you think your wise, your otherwise
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Chaikel on May 30, 2010, 03:03:23 PM
He who knows, doesn't talk. He who talks, doesn't know.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Avid Reader on June 06, 2010, 10:17:47 PM
Ever since rabbis started becoming doctors, Judaism started getting sick.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Yoel on June 06, 2010, 11:48:38 PM
Atheism is a non-prophet organization
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Yoel on June 06, 2010, 11:49:52 PM
Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Charles The Govenor on June 06, 2010, 11:50:00 PM
The E.R. You watch it I live it.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Yoel on June 06, 2010, 11:51:21 PM
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Yoel on June 06, 2010, 11:52:45 PM
Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Yoel on June 06, 2010, 11:53:14 PM
Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Charles The Govenor on June 07, 2010, 12:18:35 AM
I make a yankee hat more famous then a yankee can.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: aussiebochur on June 07, 2010, 12:24:08 AM
I make a yankee hat more famous then a yankee can.
?
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Chaikel on June 07, 2010, 12:39:12 AM
?
Jay-Z
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Chaikel on June 07, 2010, 12:39:57 AM
Save a cow, eat a vegetarian.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Charles The Govenor on June 07, 2010, 01:46:29 AM
Yup,Jay-Z.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Avid Reader on June 08, 2010, 08:24:25 PM
The hurrier I go, the behinder I get.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Avid Reader on June 08, 2010, 08:26:25 PM
Save a cow, eat a vegetarian.

Once saw a bumper sticker: "If we weren't supposed to eat humans, then why were they made out of meat?"
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Cholentfresser on June 08, 2010, 10:04:05 PM
don't drink and drive, you might hit a bump and spill your drink.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Smirk on June 08, 2010, 10:36:11 PM
Why drink n drive, when you can smoke n fly
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: MarkS on June 08, 2010, 10:36:54 PM
I love vegetarians.    They leave more meat for the rest of us!

How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door your on!

Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: aussiebochur on June 09, 2010, 02:48:56 AM
If money doesn't grow on trees, why do banks have branches?
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Avid Reader on June 09, 2010, 08:38:56 AM
Dont drink and drive, first drink and then drive.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Yosel on June 09, 2010, 10:10:11 AM
He who has a "why", can overcome almost any "how"
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Chaikel on June 19, 2010, 07:08:26 PM
"If everything seems under control, you're not going fast enough."
- Mario Andretti

"All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy."
- Spike Milligan
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: yeshivaman on June 23, 2010, 09:42:51 PM
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Chaikel on June 30, 2010, 08:12:09 PM
If life gives you lemons make lemonade. Then find someone whose life gave them vodka, and have yourself a party
-Ron White
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: zalman123 on July 01, 2010, 11:26:54 AM
"pain in weakness leaving the body"
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: youG on July 01, 2010, 02:13:52 PM
I'm always right except for once when I thought I was wrong!!
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Avid Reader on July 01, 2010, 03:05:21 PM
I'm always right except for once when I thought I was wrong!!

 ;D
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: whYME on July 11, 2010, 10:52:33 PM
Whoever said nothing is impossible obviously never tried slamming a revolving door.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Yellow on July 12, 2010, 02:30:07 AM
Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: MarkS on July 12, 2010, 09:09:33 AM
Sign outside a Liquor store:   We  De-liver!
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: whYME on July 12, 2010, 10:15:07 AM
If "winners never quit" & "quitters never win" who is the genius who said "quit while you're ahead"?
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Avid Reader on July 21, 2010, 08:42:48 AM
Signs in some stores:

"Nobody is perfect, but someone has to do it".

"The deadline for all complains was yesterday".

"What part of NO don't you understand?"

"Our prices are based on obtaining quality products and giving you outstanding customer service. If you ask us for a discount, which one of these do you want us to take out?"
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: zalman123 on July 22, 2010, 03:16:32 PM
"Education's purpose is to replace an empty mind with an open one".  "The world can't end today, because its already tomorrow in Australia"
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Chaikel on July 22, 2010, 03:26:00 PM
"The world can't end today, because its already tomorrow in Australia"
Sucks for Australians
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Chaikel on August 03, 2010, 10:43:12 AM
"A woman from Washington is suing American Airlines for 5 million dollars after they lost her luggage. When the airline said that's a ridiculous amount of money for luggage, she was like, 'Now you know how we feel.'"

-Jimmy Fallon
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: mancunian on August 09, 2010, 03:01:27 PM
Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back

Sometimes you lend someone twenty bucks and you never see them again. Sometimes its worth it.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: mancunian on August 10, 2010, 01:36:56 AM
Everyone has their place in the world. Without fertalizer the grass wont grow green.

heard from b.s. c. from california
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Yellow on August 16, 2010, 05:20:26 PM
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Avid Reader on August 16, 2010, 05:24:19 PM
Parachutes for sale with lifetime guarantee: If it fails to open you get your money back.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: SuperFlyer on August 16, 2010, 07:41:09 PM
I guess lifetime in the above applies to the guy/victim(/patient) taking the jump...
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Avid Reader on August 16, 2010, 09:57:06 PM
Exactly!
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: SuperFlyer on August 17, 2010, 07:44:03 PM
The  Eternal Jewish Truths of Your Grandmother’s Talmud     

Some might be old, but still a must.                                                                                                           

 
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: zalman123 on August 19, 2010, 11:15:54 PM
 "You don't stop laughing when you die, you die when you stop laughing!!"
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: avi2018 on August 26, 2010, 04:21:46 AM
Signs in some stores:
"Our prices are based on obtaining quality products and giving you outstanding customer service. If you ask us for a discount, which one of these do you want us to take out?"
;)
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Avid Reader on August 26, 2010, 09:18:30 AM
Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift - that's why it's called "the present".
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: SuperFlyer on September 05, 2010, 05:06:44 PM
Guy says: I never knew what true happiness meant until I got married, but then it was too late
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Yellow on September 06, 2010, 02:19:17 AM
"A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man."
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: SuperFlyer on September 06, 2010, 05:39:45 AM
I got married before the war.

The war started after the wedding.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Chaikel on September 06, 2010, 12:19:02 PM
While were on this topic, I realized something during seder today

In hebrew, the words marriage and hate have the same letters
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: SuperFlyer on September 06, 2010, 12:57:11 PM
While were on this topic, I realized something during seder today

In hebrew, the words marriage and hate have the same letters

nisu'in ? how?

(use the symbols in word to write)
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Chaikel on September 06, 2010, 01:26:00 PM
nun sin aleph in both
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: bosoxfan on September 06, 2010, 05:44:16 PM
as well as "get" and "gut" (yiddish)
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: elikay on September 07, 2010, 01:27:11 AM
A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that
you don't need it.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: elikay on September 07, 2010, 01:27:40 AM
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Avid Reader on September 07, 2010, 01:37:24 PM
If being rich makes people sad, and being poor also makes you sad, I'd rather live sad with money then without.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Avid Reader on September 07, 2010, 01:38:57 PM
Stress is caused by 3 things: Money. Family. And FAMILY WITH NO MONEY.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Chaikel on September 12, 2010, 11:53:20 AM
"It's the best reality show in television. It's the National Football League."
-Al Micheals
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Yordai Dooma on September 12, 2010, 09:40:11 PM
Quote from: New york times

A recession is when you your neighbor loses his job. A depression is when you lose your job. A recovery is when Nancy Pelosi loses her job.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Avid Reader on September 13, 2010, 09:38:41 AM
A recession is when you your neighbor loses his job. A depression is when you lose your job. A recovery is when Nancy Pelosi loses her job
;D
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Avid Reader on September 16, 2010, 04:10:26 PM
More signs in stores:

Quote
Nobody is perfect, but somebody has to do it.

Quote
I'm just getting done with yesterday, by tomorrow I should be finished with today.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Dan on September 16, 2010, 04:23:34 PM
From Jay Leno...

"US Airways has a new slogan: When you can't decide on a flight or cruise."

"They showed the plane floating on the Hudson River. All the passengers evacuated using life vests - well, those that had $25."

"Rescuers not only got all the passengers out of the Hudson River, they also pulled up three mob bodies that had been thrown in there, too."

"People are wondering now how they were going to get the plane out of the river, but the FAA said today since it was the Hudson River, the airplane will probably just dissolve in a week or so."

"And I thought this was nice. US Airways said that each passenger will still get 3 frequent-flier miles. They will get credit!"
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Chaikel on September 16, 2010, 05:55:12 PM
Another Jay:
In regard to the CEO of Ryanair wanting to cut co-pilots:
"The pilots are pissed. Nobody wants to drink alone"
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Avid Reader on September 19, 2010, 01:40:29 AM
The better the vacuum, the more it sucks.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: avi2018 on September 19, 2010, 04:37:17 PM
A recession is when you your neighbor loses his job. A depression is when you lose your job. A recovery is when Nancy Pelosi loses her job.
If I'm not mistaken that line comes from Ronald Reagan, with jimmy carter in Nancy Pelosi's place.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Avid Reader on September 20, 2010, 10:21:06 PM
9-11-01
All gave some, some gave all - FDNY.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: zalman123 on October 14, 2010, 12:51:17 PM
Some very true statements.   * Going to shul doesn't make you a tzadik any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.   * Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.   * If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.  
* We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public. 
 
* War does not determine who is right - only who is left. 
 
* Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. 
 
* The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.  
 
* Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
 
* To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.  
 
* A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station. 
 
* How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?  
 
* Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs. 
 
* Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish. 
 
* I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted pay checks. 
 
* A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it. 
 
* Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR." 
 
* I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you. 
 
* Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars but checks when you say the paint is wet? 
 
* A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 
 
* You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice. 
 
* The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas! 
 
* Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back. 
 
* Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were. 
 
* Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with. 
 
* Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go. 
 
* I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure. 
 
* I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila. 
 
* When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water. 
 
* You're never too old to learn something stupid. 
 
* To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target. 
 
* A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: zalman123 on November 16, 2010, 04:08:09 PM
“You can tell a lot about a fellow’s character by the way he eats jelly beans.” -Ronald Reagan

Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Avid Reader on December 23, 2010, 11:30:29 AM
It's a free country, for a small fee.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: mancunian on January 18, 2011, 12:25:12 AM
"You don't stop laughing when you die, you die when you stop laughing!!"

(i think) thats from carlebach "you don't stop telling stories when you get old, you get old when you stop telling stories."
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: moish on January 18, 2011, 04:16:21 AM
what does old have to do with telling stories?
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: SuperFlyer on January 18, 2011, 07:31:11 AM
People that are closer to the other world than this one, usually don't tell stories anymore.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Avid Reader on January 18, 2011, 10:45:17 AM
Everyone has a right to be stupid, but you're abusing the privilege.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: yeshivaman on January 18, 2011, 12:33:21 PM
You obviously lack the ability to laugh at yourself, that's where I come in..
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: WhiteWolf on February 02, 2011, 06:18:28 PM
IF YOU WILL IT, IT IS NO DREAM
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: AsherO on February 04, 2011, 12:50:34 PM
IF YOU WILL IT, IT IS NO DREAM

If there's a will, there's an executor.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Cholentfresser on February 04, 2011, 12:53:14 PM
If there's a will, there's an heir.
interesting how the "an" rule doesn't go by spelling (having the next word start with a vowel) but by pronunciation.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: AsherO on February 04, 2011, 12:56:06 PM
interesting how the "an" rule doesn't go by spelling (having the next word start with a vowel) but by pronunciation.

I followed this page (http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20080206085227AAUbXwm), not that YA is a quality source, but the logic sounded right.

Please note: I have since edited the one-liner to it's proper form.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Cholentfresser on February 04, 2011, 01:13:11 PM
I followed this page (http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20080206085227AAUbXwm), not that YA is a quality source, but the logic sounded right.
do u really go thru a grammar check every time before hitting 'post'
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Mikeoracle on February 04, 2011, 01:54:16 PM
If there's a will, there's an executor.
A man has his will, but women has her way.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Avid Reader on February 04, 2011, 02:02:45 PM
A man has his will, but women has her way.

I'm the boss in this house, and I have my wife's permission to say so.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: AsherO on February 04, 2011, 02:33:15 PM
do u really go thru a grammar check every time before hitting 'post'

I love words and how they work, (when?) I actually wonder about it so I bother to look.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Yaalili on February 04, 2011, 02:37:20 PM
"Keep your words sweet, just in case you gotta swallow them up..."
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Avid Reader on January 25, 2012, 11:13:30 AM
It's nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice!
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: yossi4k on January 25, 2012, 12:46:34 PM
Do you eat to live or live to eat.

Cover ground before ground covers you.



Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: world2see on January 25, 2012, 01:30:11 PM
Outside a urinal: We aim to please,so please aim :)
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: zush12345 on January 25, 2012, 01:48:29 PM
common sense is not so common
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: zush12345 on January 25, 2012, 01:49:32 PM
seen in schiphol airport restrooms:

SOME COME TO SIT AND THINK...
SOME COME TO SH** AND STINK
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: boruch on January 25, 2012, 06:25:42 PM
(Sorry, huge 'Office' fan)

'That's what she said'

The opportunities are endless ...
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: SuperFlyer on January 25, 2012, 06:55:30 PM
It's nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice!

which reminds me of http://forums.dansdeals.com/index.php?topic=11476.msg176297#msg176297
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: jj1000 on January 26, 2012, 03:26:52 PM
which reminds me of http://forums.dansdeals.com/index.php?topic=11476.msg176297#msg176297
lol!!

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police. (Cops actually came to my place at 3am this morning because of a noise complaint at 12! The officer apologized for waking me up..)
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: good sam on January 26, 2012, 03:38:42 PM
I love words and how they work, (when?) I actually wonder about it so I bother to look.
Like the ol' i before e rule

I before E, except after C, and when sounding like A as in Neighbor and Weigh, and on weekends and holidays all throughout May, and you'll always be wrong no matter what you say. (Brian Regan)
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: stever on January 26, 2012, 03:47:27 PM
see you when i see you


bumper sticker in NY: horn broke watch for finger
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: whYME on January 26, 2012, 03:55:19 PM
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
At first I thought that was a response to the post you quoted, took me a second till I realized you were just adding a quote (I think) :)
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: jj1000 on January 26, 2012, 06:00:19 PM
This for Helpme Experience is not what happens to a man. It is what a man does with what happens to him. ~Aldous Leonard Huxley, Texts and Pretexts, 1932
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: PlatinumGuy on February 02, 2012, 01:00:53 AM
@davidroads on twitter is an acct dedicated to these kind of things
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: tuvz on February 02, 2012, 03:38:27 AM
One liner:
Sure age is just a number...and jail is just a room!
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: RJ898 on February 09, 2012, 11:06:42 AM
Think about how stupid your average person is, then realize half of them are stupider then that. - George Carlin
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: lbvtch on February 15, 2012, 02:21:08 PM
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me 8 times... you're probably a woman!
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: lbvtch on February 15, 2012, 02:22:14 PM
Got a letter from the IRS. They say they can't survive on my income and I need to get another job.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Avid Reader on February 15, 2012, 03:05:39 PM
Got a letter from the IRS. They say they can't survive on my income and I need to get another job.
;D
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: bubbles on March 27, 2012, 11:27:56 AM
Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Avid Reader on March 27, 2012, 01:01:15 PM
Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.
;D Love it!
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: meshugener on March 27, 2012, 01:24:09 PM
Stop global warming - use air conditioner.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: meshugener on March 27, 2012, 01:39:33 PM
Money talks: mine always say goodbye.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Chaikel on March 27, 2012, 06:51:54 PM
I feel that these days, it's the US of C's and D's at best
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Avid Reader on April 04, 2012, 10:53:09 PM
Wag.com: Get food for your cat,
                 with the click of a mouse.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: meshugener on April 14, 2012, 11:00:14 PM
You never get a second chance to make the first impression.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: PlatinumGuy on May 12, 2012, 07:54:52 PM
Spirit and presistence have done wonders in all ages. George Washington.

All glory comes from daring to begin.

UBS bank statements: nothing right on the left, and nothing left on the right. (Common Swiss proverb)
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: PlatinumGuy on May 12, 2012, 11:54:58 PM
Marriage is defined between one man and one woman, and the schvigger.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: PlatinumGuy on May 14, 2012, 05:12:27 AM
If you think education is expensive try ignorance. - Derek Bok
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: topyid on May 14, 2012, 12:15:36 PM
Some great ones here:

http://www.jewocity.com/blog/irresistible-one-liners-go-ahead-plagiarize/1714
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: PlatinumGuy on May 18, 2012, 01:06:02 AM
 Being ignorant is not so much a shame, as being unwilling to learn - Ben Franklin
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: meshugener on May 18, 2012, 09:15:54 AM
Tracht gut - vet zein gut
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Expert Flyer on May 18, 2012, 10:06:57 AM
"Open the bottle of wine and allow it to breath.
If it still doesn't breath after a couple of minutes, give it a mouth-to-mouth."
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: PlatinumGuy on May 18, 2012, 10:19:17 AM
The most powerful weapon on earth is the human soul on fire. -Ferdinand Foch

The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing you will make one ~ Elbert Hubbard

 Never look down on anybody unless you're helping him up. - Jesse Jackson

The aim of argument or of discussion, should not be victory but progress.-- Joseph Joubert

A day will never be anymore than what you make of it.

Nobody ever drowned in his own sweat.  ~ Ann Landers

Critiquing my personality still won't give you one

An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves

The longer we dwell on our misfortunes, the greater is their power to harm us.

You cannot plough a field by turning it over in your mind.

""We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give."" - Winston Churchill

We are not human beings on a spiritual journey. We are spiritual beings on a human journey. ~   Stephen R. Covey

It takes a minute to like someone, an hour to love someone but a lifetime to forget someone

“Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.”

 "Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail." ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: PlatinumGuy on May 18, 2012, 11:13:52 AM
Friedrich Nietzsche's best lines:

"“You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist.”

That which doesn't kill me makes me stronger

I'm not upset that you lied to me, I'm upset that from now I can't believe you.

No price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: PlatinumGuy on May 23, 2012, 06:49:27 AM
“Institutions will try to preserve the problem to which they are the solution”—Clay Shirky"
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: L'Chaim on May 23, 2012, 07:19:39 AM
Committee:
A group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done.
-- Fred Allen
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Sammy82 on May 23, 2012, 10:15:41 AM
Men will buy a $1 object they need for $2. Women will pay $1 for a $2 object they don't need.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: smurf on May 23, 2012, 01:21:00 PM
Men will buy a $2 object they need for $1. Women will pay $2 for a $1 object they don't need.
FTFY
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: dan2.0 on May 24, 2012, 04:29:06 PM
In theory there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice there is!
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Expert Flyer on May 30, 2012, 06:32:39 PM
"I downloaded the Quran today. If you want, I can burn you a copy"
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: SuperFlyer on May 31, 2012, 02:57:21 AM
Dictatorship means that the government does as she pleases and the population isn't allowed to speak.

Democracy means that the people have their say, but the government does anyway what she wants.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: SuperFlyer on May 31, 2012, 02:58:46 AM
A few wrongs helped a couple wrigths change history
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: sky121 on June 11, 2012, 09:49:40 PM
"If only closed minds came with closed mouths."
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: rcarentals on June 12, 2012, 01:51:08 PM
so are you having a boy? or an abortion? :)
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: L'Chaim on June 14, 2012, 09:17:42 AM
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: PlatinumGuy on June 23, 2012, 11:08:02 PM
It's difficult to follow your dream. It's a tragedy not to.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: ChAiM'l on June 24, 2012, 08:10:45 AM
so are you having a boy? or an abortion? :)

 :o
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: asherbarkin on June 24, 2012, 10:09:30 AM
"whats the nimshal" after someone tells you something important to themself
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: good sam on June 24, 2012, 11:21:39 AM
"whats the nimshal" after someone tells you something important to themself
Post  here (http://forums.dansdeals.com/index.php?topic=12504.0)
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: mclovin on June 24, 2012, 12:16:03 PM
:o
its from a movie. (GIYF)
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: PlatinumGuy on June 24, 2012, 12:45:47 PM
You're not a loser until you quit trying.

There's not enough coffee in my coffee
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: askmoses on June 24, 2012, 01:57:21 PM
- There are three types of people in the world, those that can count and those that can't.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: asherbarkin on June 24, 2012, 02:15:42 PM
Post  here (http://forums.dansdeals.com/index.php?topic=12504.0)

post here http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=douchebag
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: mclovin on June 24, 2012, 09:38:35 PM
post here http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=douchebag
whoa! that is some serious bullying
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: good sam on June 24, 2012, 09:56:14 PM
post here http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=douchebag
careful man, no bullies.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: PlatinumGuy on July 01, 2012, 07:53:20 PM
Don't go through life, grow through life.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Dan on July 03, 2012, 04:44:55 PM
"I believe in Karma. That means i can do bad things to people all day long and assume they deserve it."
-via fb.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: smurf on July 03, 2012, 04:45:49 PM
Procrastinators of the world UNITE!....tomorrow
Bad spellers of the world UNTIE!
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: PlatinumGuy on July 03, 2012, 05:12:14 PM
Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake. -Napoleon

(We all deal with this daily with CSR)
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Avid Reader on July 03, 2012, 07:22:10 PM
Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake. -Napoleon

(We all deal with this daily with CSR)
:)
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: meshugener on July 04, 2012, 10:02:51 PM
"A wise man speaks because he has something to say,
A fool speaks because he has to say
something."
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: DrDanny on July 04, 2012, 10:06:18 PM
"A wise man speaks because he has something to say,
A fool speaks because he has to say
something."
This should me stickied to the top of all threads
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: meshugener on July 10, 2012, 06:53:00 PM
The rich/smart earn interest, the poor/fools pay interest.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: meshugener on July 10, 2012, 07:03:43 PM
The worst place to live is beyond your means.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: PlatinumGuy on July 10, 2012, 09:06:59 PM
A smooth sea never made a skillful sailor

 Use your smile to change this world. Don’t let this world change your smile.

It isn’t the bad memories that make you sad, but the best ones that you can’t bring back.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: good sam on July 10, 2012, 11:53:39 PM
The worst place to live is beyond your means.
This should be on the white house
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: good sam on July 11, 2012, 12:05:50 PM
Expanding medicaid is like adding 1000 people to the Titanic. - Rick Perry
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: meshugener on July 11, 2012, 12:48:02 PM
Cutting Medicaid is like drowning 1,000,000 people in the Atlantic Ocean - Meshugener.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: skyguy918 on July 11, 2012, 01:02:49 PM
Cutting Medicaid is like drowning 1,000,000 people in the Atlantic Ocean - Meshugener.

I think you missed the boat on this one. In the prior analogy, those 1m people are already drowning in the ocean, just more slowly.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: good sam on July 11, 2012, 03:04:31 PM
I think you missed the boat on this one. In the prior analogy, those 1m people are already drowning in the ocean, just more slowly.
Like!
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: mclovin on July 11, 2012, 03:17:09 PM
Cutting Medicaid is like drowning 1,000,000 people in the Atlantic Ocean - Meshugener.
I think you missed the boat on this one. In the prior analogy, those 1m people are already drowning in the ocean, just more slowly.
whether he missed the boat or not, it was funny
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: damaxer91 on July 11, 2012, 03:25:35 PM
Q: How do Hipsters weigh themselves
A: In Instagrams
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: DrDanny on July 12, 2012, 06:21:20 AM
Q: How do Hipsters weigh themselves
A: In Instagrams
Lol
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: PlatinumGuy on July 15, 2012, 01:05:25 AM
If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free." P.J. O'Rourke
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Avid Reader on July 15, 2012, 03:29:32 AM
Think education is expensive? try ignorance!
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: SuperFlyer on July 15, 2012, 04:23:33 AM
You could live anywhere in the states.
Why pick that particular place...
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: L'Chaim on July 15, 2012, 06:07:34 AM
If you're not embarrassing you're children, you're obviously not enjoying yourself.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: good sam on July 15, 2012, 10:58:58 AM
In 2012, Barack Obama is the candidate of change the subject. - Paul Ryan
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: sky121 on August 06, 2012, 08:59:53 AM
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.”
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: SuperFlyer on August 06, 2012, 09:03:16 AM
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.”

(http://www.thenoisecast.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/03/facebook-like.jpg)
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: L'Chaim on August 10, 2012, 11:45:42 AM
“If death meant just leaving the stage long enough to change costume and come back as a new character...
Would you slow down? Or speed up?”
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: AsherO on August 15, 2012, 08:27:46 AM
Heard in shul this AM:

You know you're having a bad Friday when you realize it's actually Wednesday.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: jj1000 on August 15, 2012, 10:31:34 AM
Concentration comes out of a combination of confidence and hunger.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: PlatinumGuy on August 15, 2012, 10:43:10 AM
Heard in shul this AM:

You know you're having a bad Friday when you realize it's actually Wednesday.
So true...
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: AsherO on August 20, 2012, 03:57:11 PM
Why drink and drive, when you can smoke and fly?

Why smoke and fly, when you can sniff and soar?
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Jkhein on August 20, 2012, 04:28:45 PM
Finally.... Gosh were you appreciative.:-)
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: jj1000 on August 20, 2012, 06:16:41 PM
Why drink and drive, when you can smoke and fly?

Why smoke and fly, when you can sniff and soar?
A recovering addict could take offence to that.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: AsherO on August 20, 2012, 06:53:58 PM
A recovering addict could take offence to that.

Well, then I apologize in advance.

Does this count as a one-liner:

LOST: my Patience, Temper & Sanity
IF FOUND, PLEASE HANDLE W/ CARE: these are well worn (abused?) & very fragile
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: AsherO on August 21, 2012, 06:28:00 PM
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

The second half isn't nearly as funny IMHO.

Then I filled my humidifier with wax, and now my room is all shiny.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: L'Chaim on August 25, 2012, 05:17:05 PM
I used to be indecisive...
But now I'm not sure...
-Boscoe Pertwee

You know your getting old when everything hurts and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.
-Bob Hope
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Avid Reader on September 02, 2012, 01:24:28 AM
If you put the federal government in charge of the Sahara Desert, in 5 years there'd be a shortage of sand. - Milton Friedman
Title: Best one-liners
Post by: ShmuliT on September 02, 2012, 03:01:54 AM
"In G-d we trust, everyone else pays cash!"
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: doodley on September 03, 2012, 01:09:52 AM
"If I wanted a a**holes opinion I'd fart
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: meshugener on September 06, 2012, 02:23:47 PM
A broken clock is right twice a day.
Bill Clinton - yesterday at the convention.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Achas Veachas on September 06, 2012, 04:40:00 PM
Save the earth, it's the only planet that has chocolate
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Achas Veachas on September 06, 2012, 04:40:54 PM
Saw this bumper sticker a few years ago:
Sarah Palin 2012
(What do I care, the world is coming to an end anyways)
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: smurf on September 07, 2012, 12:09:01 AM
Killing time is tantamount to committing suicide in increments.
"Today" is yesterday's "I'll do it tomorrow"
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Dan on September 20, 2012, 01:32:45 PM
"If someone can just let the Arab world know that Bush is no longer our President, then all the anti-American demonstrations would cease immediately!"
-@shmulyt
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: RJ898 on September 20, 2012, 02:56:25 PM
Jesus loves you. Everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: meshugener on September 20, 2012, 03:06:00 PM
Not true.
I know he hates me.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Achas Veachas on September 20, 2012, 04:00:43 PM
Everyone tries to hide it but I know the truth, they all think I'm paranoid.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: AsherO on October 23, 2012, 04:42:11 PM
Fun is like life insurance: the older you get, the more it costs.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: DH Data Recovery on October 23, 2012, 04:48:59 PM
A blackberry isn't a wireless phone, its always plugged into the charger
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Achas Veachas on October 23, 2012, 04:49:28 PM
Fun is like life insurance: the older you get, the more it costs.
Does this count as a repost?
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: jj1000 on October 23, 2012, 05:00:03 PM
The grass is always greener - where you water it.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: meshugener on October 23, 2012, 06:43:55 PM
A blackberry isn't a wireless phone, its always plugged into the charger
+1...
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: RJ898 on November 01, 2012, 07:32:52 PM
So they are still going to have the NYC marathon this weekend. The early favorite is Michael Phelps.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: RJ898 on November 01, 2012, 07:33:26 PM
There's a new drink called Sandy, it's basically a watered down Manhattan.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Dan on November 01, 2012, 07:53:41 PM
So they are still going to have the NYC marathon this weekend. The early favorite is Michael Phelps.
:D
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: AsherO on November 02, 2012, 08:59:23 AM
The grass is always greener - where you water it.

The grass is always greener on the watered side :)
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: RJ898 on December 19, 2012, 05:19:50 PM
Obama plans to make the CEO of AMEX the next chairman of the federal reserve. Genius! Transfer his 16 trillion dollar debt to AMEX then dispute the charges!
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: jj1000 on December 19, 2012, 06:01:59 PM
Obama plans to make the CEO of AMEX the next chairman of the federal reserve. Genius! Transfer his 16 trillion dollar debt to AMEX then dispute the charges!
That's a lot of MR points.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Chaikel on December 19, 2012, 06:06:39 PM
Hamakom (with amex/insurance as a shliach) yimale chisronchem

(in an email to rots5)
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: PlatinumGuy on December 23, 2012, 06:44:03 PM
The only source of knowledge is experience - Albert Einstein
(aka Dont trust the phone reps)
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: rots5 on December 23, 2012, 07:05:40 PM
Hamakom (with amex/insurance as a shliach) yimale chisronchem

(in an email to rots5)
+1  amen
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Achas Veachas on December 23, 2012, 08:35:26 PM
The only source of knowledge is experience - Albert Einstein
(aka Dont trust the phone reps)
Meh..
A fool learns from his mistakes, A wise man learns from the fools mistakes*



*May not apply in all cases YMMV
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: HelpMe on December 26, 2012, 09:55:22 AM
If a**holes could fly this place would be an airport!
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: meshugener on December 26, 2012, 02:29:59 PM
Your referring to DDF? Ha ha...
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: HelpMe on December 26, 2012, 02:46:54 PM
Your referring to DDF?
Why would you that?
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: good sam on December 26, 2012, 03:33:21 PM
If a**holes could fly this place would be an airport!
Shabbat Sha-LOM!
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: good sam on December 26, 2012, 04:09:55 PM
If a**holes could fly this place would be an airport!
I did not know there was so much hatred towards Jesus Christ here but we all know who did kill him.
It always comes out eventually i guess ::)
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Chaikel on December 26, 2012, 04:29:58 PM
It always comes out eventually i guess ::)
Jeez (pun intended). It's the one-liner thread. It's not the "your thoughts on DDF" thread. I understood what he meant, maybe some people here have guilty conscience.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: AJK on December 26, 2012, 04:34:32 PM
The Rabbi opened his mail and found a single sheet of paper with only one word written, "shmuck". At the Friday night service the Rabbi announced, "I have known many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their names, but this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name.... and forgot to write a letter."
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: HelpMe on December 26, 2012, 05:25:20 PM
It always comes out eventually i guess ::)
What does one thread have to do with another. If I thought everyone here was an a**hole I would just come out and say it.  ::)
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: HelpMe on December 26, 2012, 05:26:20 PM
Jeez (pun intended). It's the one-liner thread. It's not the "your thoughts on DDF" thread. I understood what he meant, maybe some people here have guilty conscience.
Ding, ding, ding we have a winner!  :)
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: rots5 on December 26, 2012, 05:45:18 PM
thank god u put the asterisks! i wouldnt want u using foul lang  ;D :D ;) :)
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: meshugener on December 26, 2012, 06:40:36 PM
If your landlord does not give you enough heat, do not pay the rent" - Albert Einstein
Title: Best one-liners
Post by: lubaby on December 26, 2012, 07:09:48 PM
Why drink and drive, when you can smoke and fly?

Why smoke and fly, when you can sniff and soar?

Don't drink and drive, your alcohol might spill!
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: RJ898 on December 27, 2012, 08:44:41 AM
If you make something foolproof, someone will become a better fool.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: PlatinumGuy on January 08, 2013, 03:25:27 AM
You don't have a soul. You are soul, you have a body - C.S. Lewis
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: PlatinumGuy on January 10, 2013, 01:58:50 PM
The true soldier fights not because he hates what is in front of him, but because he loves what is behind him

If you don’t get lost, there’s a chance you may never be found.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: RJ898 on January 13, 2013, 03:44:23 PM
Follow your head. Your heart is an idiot.
Title: Re: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: sky121 on January 13, 2013, 03:45:09 PM
The true soldier fights not because he hates what is in front of him, but because he loves what is behind him



Like this one
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: SuperFlyer on January 13, 2013, 04:40:41 PM
About jesus: who cares who killed him? He got up 3 days later anyhow...
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: sky121 on January 15, 2013, 03:49:43 PM
"I would challenge you to a battle of wits, but I see you are unarmed!"  William Shakespeare
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: whYME on January 15, 2013, 04:29:28 PM
"Chof Beis Shevat is the closest thing we have these days to Tu B'Av in the gemorah"
-LW
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: jj1000 on January 15, 2013, 04:31:06 PM
"Chof Beis Shevat is the closest thing we have these days to Tu B'Av in the gemorah"
-LW
Trying to figure out who LW is. Is he from Cali?
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Achas Veachas on January 15, 2013, 04:31:38 PM
Trying to figure out who LW is. Is he from Cali?
From Detroit?
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: DrDanny on January 15, 2013, 04:40:47 PM
From Detroit?
Isn't that Shia
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Achas Veachas on January 15, 2013, 04:46:40 PM
Isn't that Shia
Diff W :)
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: whYME on January 15, 2013, 04:47:53 PM
Is he from Cali?
Yup :)
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: jj1000 on January 15, 2013, 05:00:53 PM
Yup :)
Lucky guess. :) And idk about anyone else but the yeshivas I was in call them gaggles on the street corners. It has layers of meaning :P
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Achas Veachas on February 06, 2013, 12:07:30 PM
(https://i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/7035730176/h1250B6C1/)
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: bubbles on February 06, 2013, 01:08:58 PM
"A clean home is a sign of a broken computer."
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: PlatinumGuy on February 08, 2013, 04:38:18 PM
Always remember you are unique, just like everyone else
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: yuneeq on February 09, 2013, 12:53:26 PM
Always remember you are unique, just like everyone else

Not me though! :P
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: meshugener on February 10, 2013, 10:52:10 AM
If Obama is the answer, it was a stupid question.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: yuneeq on February 11, 2013, 07:32:07 AM
99% of cops give the rest of them a bad name.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: PlatinumGuy on February 21, 2013, 06:04:52 PM
Some people would complain about having to pay the taxes after winning the lottery
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: jj1000 on March 31, 2013, 12:09:18 PM
To have a successful marriage you have to expect from your spouse nothing and yourself everything.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: sky121 on March 31, 2013, 12:15:32 PM
To have a successful marriage you have to expect from your spouse nothing and yourself everything.

I don't always love quotes/advice about not expecting things from people.  Because in some ways you should expect things from people. I want my spouse to expect things from me.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: meshugener on March 31, 2013, 12:20:12 PM
@jj
Why do I think you're not married?
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: jj1000 on March 31, 2013, 12:27:11 PM
I don't always love quotes/advice about not expecting things from people.  Because in some ways you should expect things from people. I want my spouse to expect things from me.
Obviously the line isn't meant in a fully literal sense. You expect your spouse to wake up in the morning, do her job etc...

It is referring to the extra things in life/marriage. (And with that attitude you can appreciate those things so much more.)

@jj
Why do I think you're not married?
Possibly because I have expressed this fact on this forum? Or because I am an idealist. But as I said to sky121 as with everything in life use common sense to understand what the real meaning was on that line... Feel free to disagree.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: sky121 on March 31, 2013, 12:40:12 PM
Obviously the line isn't meant in a fully literal sense. You expect your spouse to wake up in the morning, do her job etc...

It is referring to the extra things in life/marriage. (And with that attitude you can appreciate those things so much more.)
 Possibly because I have expressed this fact on this forum? Or because I am an idealist. But as I said to sky121 as with everything in life use common sense to understand what the real meaning was on that line... Feel free to disagree.

No, I do agree.  And I obviously hear what's it trying to say.

Was just giving my 2cents.
(Reading too much into it)



 
             
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Moishebatchy on March 31, 2013, 12:57:54 PM
"At our house, Pesach isn't just eight days. We keep Pesach for six weeks. We only get fed for the last eight days, though."
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Moshe123 on March 31, 2013, 02:21:02 PM
"At our house, Pesach isn't just eight days. We keep Pesach for six weeks. We only get fed for the last eight days, though."

   ;D ;D ;D :D :)
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: DovtheBear on March 31, 2013, 02:21:30 PM
"At our house, Pesach isn't just eight days. We keep Pesach for six weeks. We only get fed for the last eight days, though."
Great one!!
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: DovtheBear on March 31, 2013, 02:35:30 PM
"At our house, Pesach isn't just eight days. We keep Pesach for six weeks. We only get fed for the last eight days, though."
Funny, because by us, the last 8 days we cant eat almost anything!  :D
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Something Fishy on April 05, 2013, 01:44:01 AM
Seen on a bumper sticker during the 2004 presidential campaign:

John Kerry - John Edwards
So much c**p, you need two johns.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: SamKey on April 05, 2013, 02:17:09 AM
If ignorance is bliss ... why aren't there more happy people in this world
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: ari101 on April 05, 2013, 02:20:36 AM
 ;) DansDeals.com Forums  ;)
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: PlatinumGuy on April 24, 2013, 01:26:09 PM
“The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others.”
~Mahatma Gandhi
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: 972sg212 on April 24, 2013, 01:30:14 PM
"If the only way we can sell our children on Torah is by forbidding everything else, then we are bankrupt" - Rabbi Shlomo Freifeld zt’’l.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Shreknit on April 24, 2013, 01:35:28 PM
If you believe breaking is possible, believe fixing is possible.
Rebbe Nachman of Breslov
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: ari101 on April 24, 2013, 01:44:39 PM
If you believe breaking is possible, believe fixing is possible.
Rebbe Nachman of Breslov
..שאם אתה מאמין שאפשר לקלקל
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Shreknit on April 24, 2013, 01:52:20 PM
..שאם אתה מאמין שאפשר לקלקל
Yep
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Moishebatchy on April 24, 2013, 06:15:21 PM
"If the only way we can sell our children on Torah is by forbidding everything else, then we are bankrupt" - Rabbi Shlomo Freifeld zt’’l.

+1,000,000,000

No wonder Rebbe is such a huge fan of R' Freifeld. ;)
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: churnbabychurn on April 24, 2013, 06:23:21 PM
+1,000,000,000

No wonder Rebbe is such a huge fan of R' Freifeld. ;)
Rebbe?
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Moishebatchy on April 24, 2013, 06:24:51 PM
Rebbe?

972sg212 share a Rebbe. :)
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Achas Veachas on April 24, 2013, 08:19:00 PM
Who woulda' thunk?

(https://i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/7376997888/h09240B80/)
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: metziah on April 26, 2013, 12:06:29 PM
"The train is running, but there ain't nobody drivin it" -as they say in the south
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Moishebatchy on May 03, 2013, 08:08:37 AM
"The trouble with quotes on the Internet is that it's difficult to determine whether or not they are genuine." - Abraham Lincoln
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: meshugener on May 03, 2013, 08:45:37 AM
Lol
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: lfas25 on May 03, 2013, 08:54:08 AM
"The trouble with quotes on the Internet is that it's difficult to determine whether or not they are genuine." - Abraham Lincoln

Haha
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Achas Veachas on May 03, 2013, 08:58:48 AM
"The trouble with quotes on the Internet is that it's difficult to determine whether or not they are genuine." - Abraham Lincoln
Sounds fishy, can we get Snopes on the case? :P
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: YSP on May 03, 2013, 09:06:55 AM
The out of towners are going to like this and the new yorkers are going to say it's stupid.

"New Yorkers buy things they don't need with money they don't have to impress people they don't like"
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: U-no-me! on May 03, 2013, 09:09:06 AM
The out of towners are going to like this and the new yorkers are going to say it's stupid.

"New Yorkers buy things they don't need with money they don't have to impress people they don't like"

+1

Spot On!
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Moishebatchy on May 03, 2013, 09:11:08 AM
The out of towners are going to like this and the new yorkers are going to say it's stupid.

"New Yorkers buy things they don't need with money they don't have to impress people they don't like"

-1

I am a born and bred New Yorker, and I agree wholeheartedly. :)
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: jj1000 on May 03, 2013, 10:47:22 AM
The out of towners are going to like this and the new yorkers are going to say it's stupid.

"New Yorkers buy things they don't need with money they don't have to impress people they don't like"
Love it!
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: whYME on May 05, 2013, 01:34:16 AM
The out of towners are going to like this and the new yorkers are going to say it's stupid.

"New Yorkers buy things they don't need with money they don't have to impress people they don't like"
Whoever coined that has obviously never been to L.A.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: chaimmayer on May 05, 2013, 10:42:55 AM
We had a 13 year old davening musaf on Shabbos.   He was giferlach.  As they say " the chazzan is so frum that he doesn't even carry a tune on Shabbos.  However, he was very confident and sang loud and clear and strong the entire time.
My shver said, " sometimes confidence is more important than competence"
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: SamKey on May 05, 2013, 06:38:26 PM
There was a frum man getting his change from a female black cashier. When he moved his hand to avoid contact she responded "Don't worry it don't rub off"!
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: YSP on May 07, 2013, 01:55:09 PM
After the shooting in Sandy hook Elemntary there was talk about maybe beefing up security in the frum schools in Lakewood. R' Meir Stern said "Don't worry about it. Nobody can get into the schools in Lakewood"
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: SamKey on May 07, 2013, 02:00:30 PM
After the shooting in Sandy hook Elemntary there was talk about maybe beefing up security in the frum schools in Lakewood. R' Meir Stern said "Don't worry about it. Nobody can get into the schools in Lakewood"
ALOL ROFL
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: lfas25 on May 07, 2013, 02:03:19 PM
After the shooting in Sandy hook Elemntary there was talk about maybe beefing up security in the frum schools in Lakewood. R' Meir Stern said "Don't worry about it. Nobody can get into the schools in Lakewood"

ROFL!!
So sad yet true!
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: jj1000 on May 08, 2013, 02:15:55 PM
Passenger asks an AA uniformed agent who's standing behind the gate desk if any seats opened up. The AA person responds

"Oh I'm just a pilot, I don't know" :))
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Shreknit on May 08, 2013, 03:01:58 PM
I knew something was wrong when a little pretty white girl ran into a black mans arms.- Charles Ramsey
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: lfas25 on May 08, 2013, 03:10:23 PM
I knew something was wrong when a little pretty white girl ran into a black mans arms.- Charles Ramsey

+1
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: SamKey on May 09, 2013, 08:27:36 PM
So the RY of my yeshiva walks in to the bais medrash one day when its 105F outside and says " if gehenim is anything like this I'M NOT GOING"
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Moishebatchy on May 10, 2013, 03:05:38 AM
So the RY of my yeshiva walks in to the bais medrash one day when its 105F outside and says " if gehenim is anything like this I'M NOT GOING"

ALOL!
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Mikeoracle on May 10, 2013, 08:39:28 AM
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.”
---George Carlin
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: whacked1 on May 10, 2013, 10:09:47 AM
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.”
---George Carlin
;D very good
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Achas Veachas on May 10, 2013, 10:14:01 AM
So the RY of my yeshiva walks in to the bais medrash one day when its 105F outside and says " if gehenim is anything like this I'M NOT GOING"
At an Amnon Yitzchak lecture:
Random dude: כבוד הרב, אני רוצה ללבוש ציצית אבל חם לי
A.Y.: אבל בגהינוווום יותר חם
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Yeki89 on May 10, 2013, 12:44:31 PM
Noel Coward (1899-1973):
'Never trust a man with short legs… his brain’s too near his bottom.'
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: good sam on May 10, 2013, 01:15:02 PM
I knew something was wrong when a little pretty white girl ran into a black mans arms.- Charles Ramsey
Dead Giveaway (can't get it out of my head)
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: metziah on May 10, 2013, 04:26:57 PM
Noel Coward (1899-1973):
'Never trust a man with short legs… his brain’s too near his bottom.'
that was great!!!!!!!!
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: hocker on May 21, 2013, 08:23:16 AM
Is there anything more Jewish than bagels on sale?
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: SamKey on May 21, 2013, 01:20:43 PM
Is there anything more Jewish than bagels on sale?
I saw one jewish torture: Free pork
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: DovtheBear on May 21, 2013, 08:11:44 PM
I saw one jewish torture: Free pork
There might be a heter....
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: nafnaf12 on May 24, 2013, 07:49:59 PM
 
I'd rather have an enemy who slaps me in the face, than a friend who stabs me in the back.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: jj1000 on May 24, 2013, 08:01:24 PM

I'd rather have an enemy who slaps me in the face, than a friend who stabs me in the back.
I'd also rather be slapped than stabbed...
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: SamKey on May 25, 2013, 05:13:55 PM
I'd also rather be slapped than stabbed...
+1 ALOL
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Columbiadorm on May 26, 2013, 10:43:25 PM
There are two types of people who come late to work: 1. The boss. 2. The person who will never be the boss.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: DovtheBear on May 26, 2013, 10:44:41 PM
There are two types of people who come late to work: 1. The boss. 2. The person who will never be the boss.
There are 2 types of people: those who took a shower today and those who didn't. :P
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: nafnaf12 on May 26, 2013, 11:03:43 PM
Their are two types of people
Ones the pee in the shower and ones that lie about it :)
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Chaikel on May 27, 2013, 07:43:57 AM
Posted on IDF FB page:
Muslims want to meet Allah, the IDF is the Make a Wish Foundation of the Middle East.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: nafnaf12 on May 27, 2013, 10:06:31 PM
if there was an award for laziness i would send  someone to get it for me
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: theberk on June 02, 2013, 12:49:09 AM
Seen in a store window:
If you're here and we're not, think of all the times we're here and you're not.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: chaimmayer on June 02, 2013, 10:22:08 AM
Seen in a store window:
If you're here and we're not, think of all the times we're here and you're not.
only a חצי נחמה
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Achas Veachas on June 02, 2013, 11:21:19 AM
only a חצי נחמה
Which reminds me of this one:

צרת רבים, נחמת שוטים

Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: chaimmayer on June 02, 2013, 12:09:16 PM
Which reminds me of this one:

צרת רבים, נחמת שוטים
there's a חז״ל  (actually it's probably made up but reb elchonon wasserman (who אור אלחנן is named after) quotes it and says a פשט ) that   The  פסוק says שלמה המלך was חכם מכל אדם and the drasha is מכל אדם אפילו מן השוטים
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Achas Veachas on June 03, 2013, 09:41:01 AM
I'm not sexist. Being sexist is wrong and being wrong is only for women.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Something Fishy on June 03, 2013, 10:40:15 AM
There are 10 types of people in the world: these who understand binary and these who don't.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Achas Veachas on June 03, 2013, 10:56:05 AM
There are 10 types of people in the world: these who understand binary and these who don't.
There are actually 10 kinds of people: Those who understand binary, these who don't and computer programmers who consider 0 to also be a bit.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Achas Veachas on June 03, 2013, 10:59:02 AM
Why do mathematicians confuse Halloween and Christmas?
Because 31 Oct = 25 Dec.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: george on June 03, 2013, 12:55:47 PM
There are two types of people in the world and I don't like them.

:P
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: SamKey on June 03, 2013, 01:51:39 PM

There are 10 types of people in the world: these who understand binary and these who don't.
repost
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: meshugener on June 07, 2013, 01:59:38 AM
הבטחתי, אבל לא הבטחתי לקיים ~ יצחק שמיר
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Ergel on June 07, 2013, 09:01:01 AM
הבטחתי, אבל לא הבטחתי לקיים ~ יצחק שמיר
that's awesome
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Achas Veachas on June 07, 2013, 10:02:19 AM
הבטחתי, אבל לא הבטחתי לקיים ~ יצחק שמיר
That goes for every politician.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: DovtheBear on June 07, 2013, 05:49:10 PM
That goes for every politician.
But he was truthful about it.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Dan on June 10, 2013, 03:03:55 PM
"What's the difference between the US government and husbands?
The government is listening to you."
-Shmuel Tennenhaus
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: CountValentine on June 10, 2013, 03:13:07 PM
הבטחתי, אבל לא הבטחתי לקיים ~ יצחק שמיר
?
Google fails again.  >:(
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Ergel on June 10, 2013, 03:16:25 PM
?
Google fails again.  >:(
I promised, but I didn't promise to keep my promise (its less cumbersome in the original)
Yitzchak shamir

Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: CountValentine on June 10, 2013, 03:19:33 PM
I promised, but I didn't promise to keep my promise (its less cumbersome in the original)
Yitzchak shamir
TY. Google did get one part right.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Ergel on June 11, 2013, 02:43:58 PM
בשעה שאמר הקב"ה לי הכסף ולי הזהב באו ישראל ואמרו אני לדודי ודודי לי
was just quoted from another thread. Awesome
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: citiguy on June 11, 2013, 04:01:54 PM
The golden rule is, those with the gold rule
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: YSP on June 12, 2013, 12:17:00 PM
The golden rule is, those with the gold rule

Slightly different variation. The golden rule is that those with the gold make the rules
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: yehuda S on June 12, 2013, 06:47:30 PM
You're not fat, you're just.. easier to see.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: jj1000 on June 13, 2013, 10:51:40 AM
If a man speaks in a forest and no women hears him, is he still wrong?
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: AJK on June 13, 2013, 11:41:37 AM
If a man speaks in a forest and no women hears him, is he still wrong?

Hahaha.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: yehuda S on June 13, 2013, 08:47:42 PM
"We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those we don't like."—Jean Cocteau
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Moishebatchy on June 14, 2013, 03:20:44 AM
If a man speaks in a forest and no women hears him, is he still wrong?

...says the man soon to be contemplating marriage. :P
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Achas Veachas on June 18, 2013, 11:41:40 AM
I find it hard to believe the NSA is reading my emails, even I don't read them...
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: jj1000 on June 20, 2013, 12:03:57 PM
"[R]easonable men cannot differ on what is logical although logical men may differ on what is reasonable." Firestone v. Time, Inc., 271 So.2d 745, 751 (Florida 1972)
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: SamKey on June 20, 2013, 01:12:29 PM
"[R]easonable men cannot differ on what is logical although logical men may differ on what is reasonable." Firestone v. Time, Inc., 271 So.2d 745, 751 (Florida 1972)
For the ethics thread? :P
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Dan on June 20, 2013, 06:38:25 PM
"Proverbs: When a Jew blows himself up he's granted 72 mother-in-laws."

-Mendy Pellin
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Moishebatchy on June 20, 2013, 07:05:12 PM
"Proverbs: When a Jew blows himself up he's granted 72 mother-in-laws."

-Mendy Pellin

LOL... reminds me of this one: "Whatever you do, don't die a virgin... there are terrorists waiting up there for you!" ;D
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: AJK on June 20, 2013, 08:25:53 PM
Hahaha.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Dan on June 27, 2013, 07:13:43 PM
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: DovtheBear on June 27, 2013, 07:16:05 PM
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
:)) ALOL
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Achas Veachas on June 27, 2013, 07:32:53 PM
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
Classic example of why commas are necessary. ;D
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Moishebatchy on June 27, 2013, 07:34:53 PM
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

ROFL!!! ;D

Gonna make that my sig. :)
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: AJK on June 27, 2013, 09:11:14 PM
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

ALOL
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Dan on June 28, 2013, 03:09:29 PM
"There are two types of people in the world: Those who crave closure."
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: DovtheBear on July 01, 2013, 11:28:24 PM
Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: hocker on July 02, 2013, 06:27:05 AM
All men are created Equal, but some are more Equal than others.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: rots5 on July 02, 2013, 07:13:34 AM
Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.
thats from a Greico commercial. Along with. Don't go cliff hiking with a guy named cliff. Or. Don't horse race against a horse named lucky.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: DovtheBear on July 02, 2013, 07:56:30 AM
thats from a Greico commercial. Along with. Don't go cliff hiking with a guy named cliff. Or. Don't horse race against a horse named lucky.
Nope.
From a Midas commercial.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: U-no-me! on July 02, 2013, 08:00:30 AM
Nope.
From a Midas commercial.

How do you know it's not from Greico? Have you even ever heard of Greico?
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: rots5 on July 02, 2013, 08:18:36 AM
Nope.
From a Midas commercial.
meant that...
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: DovtheBear on July 02, 2013, 08:46:14 AM
How do you know it's not from Greico? Have you even ever heard of Greico?
You win. ::)
Here comes his "I'm on a computer, how do you expect me to post correctly" excuse. :P
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: rots5 on July 02, 2013, 09:37:20 AM
You win. ::)
Here comes his "I'm on a computer, how do you expect me to post correctly" excuse. :P
Wow. Im surprised at you!!  You too?!?!?
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: lfas25 on July 02, 2013, 09:47:27 AM
I heard this a few nights ago on a police radio. Talking about a group of people hanging out on a street (called Martin Luther King Drive)

"They don't seem to be a very police friendly group"
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: DovtheBear on July 02, 2013, 09:52:17 AM
Wow. Im surprised at you!!  You too?!?!?
Are only some allowed to joke?
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: rots5 on July 02, 2013, 09:56:59 AM
Are only some allowed to joke?
No. Everyone can.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: jj1000 on July 02, 2013, 10:39:56 AM
I heard this a few nights ago on a police radio. Talking about a group of people hanging out on a street (called Martin Luther King Drive)

"They don't seem to be a very police friendly group"
lol. Politically correct to a whole new level.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: good sam on July 02, 2013, 10:42:52 AM
Along with. Don't go cliff hiking with a guy named cliff
"too many cliffs"

Am I the only one who doesn't get it?
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: DovtheBear on July 02, 2013, 11:52:23 AM
No. Everyone can.
:D
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: YOSEF on July 02, 2013, 02:11:58 PM
All men are created Equal, but some are more Equal than others.
Orwell
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: jj1000 on July 02, 2013, 02:32:22 PM
Orwell
Actually  R. Andom really coined the line first, but Orwell used it well.

If we are showing what knowledge google produces when searching a term :P
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Achas Veachas on July 02, 2013, 02:40:29 PM
Actually  R. Andom really coined the line first, but Orwell used it well.

If we are showing what knowledge google produces when searching a term :P
While we are off showing off knowledge. This is one line where the translation comes out BETTER then the original. When translated to Hebrew:
כל בני האדם שוים, אבל יש כאלה ששוים יותר

ETA For the benefit of the Hebrew Challenged population: The Hebrew word for 'equal' (שוה) can also mean 'worth', so the quote can be read as the following oxymoron: "All people are worth the same (equal), but some are worth more than others".
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: good sam on July 02, 2013, 02:46:11 PM
While we are off showing off knowledge. This is one line where the translation comes out BETTER then the original. When translated to Hebrew:
כל בני האדם שוים, אבל יש כאלה ששוים יותר
+1
Excellent additional pun.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Achas Veachas on July 02, 2013, 02:48:17 PM
+1
Excellent additional pun.
I didn't come up with that I remember seeing it once in an article on translations, saying how even though nuances usually get lost in translation, sometimes new ones pop up, and brought this as an example. I can't seem to find it now.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: DovtheBear on July 02, 2013, 02:50:01 PM
Excellent additional pun.
+1
Nice twist.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: theberk on July 02, 2013, 08:20:00 PM
Nope.
From a Midas commercial.
and never wear a fanny pack
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Achas Veachas on July 03, 2013, 02:35:21 PM
Ed Snowden should seek asylum in the only place entirely beyond the reach of US law enforcement...... Wall Street.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: DovtheBear on July 03, 2013, 03:01:54 PM
Ed Snowden should seek asylum in the only place entirely beyond the reach of US law enforcement...... Wall Street.
;D
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: mmermss on July 04, 2013, 04:41:03 PM
I'm actually not funny. I'm just so mean that people thinking I'm joking.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Achas Veachas on July 04, 2013, 04:53:13 PM
I'm actually not funny. I'm just so mean that people thinking I'm joking.
I see that becoming someone's Sig...
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: chamdena on July 05, 2013, 01:05:48 AM
If you see me getting smaller... That means im leaving
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Achas Veachas on July 05, 2013, 07:21:50 PM
Ronald Reagan was the best president; he didn't mix into politics, knew it wasn't his business.  -Jackie Masson
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: hocker on July 09, 2013, 08:08:45 PM
Sechel is like green eyes....either you are born with it or without:-)

HT: Shach
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Moishebatchy on July 10, 2013, 03:10:00 AM
Respect old people... they graduated from high school without Google and Wikipedia.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: CountValentine on July 10, 2013, 03:24:56 AM
Respect old people... they graduated from high school without Google and Wikipedia.
...and they can add without a calculator.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: whYME on July 10, 2013, 03:29:27 AM
...and they can used to be able to add without a calculator.
ftfy :)
(at least those who discovered the calculator :) )
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: SamKey on July 19, 2013, 08:37:55 AM
Saw a T-shirt on the plane "Who needs Google... My Wife Knows Everything
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: good sam on July 19, 2013, 12:52:29 PM
"Belief, saying I believe in something, is not sitting there quietly doing the golf clap.” - Ted Cruz
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Dan on July 23, 2013, 07:55:20 PM
"When life hands you lemons, make lemonade. When life hands you tofu, run like hell."

-Mendel G.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: moko on July 23, 2013, 08:21:37 PM
"When life hands you lemons, make lemonade add vodka. When life hands you tofu, run like hell."
Mendel G.
ftfy  :)
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: DH Data Recovery on July 23, 2013, 10:40:37 PM
"When life hands you Melons... You're dyslexic"
YH
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: jj1000 on July 23, 2013, 11:59:13 PM
"When life hands you lemons, make lemonade. When life hands you tofu, run like hell."

-Mendel G.
I've had some great tofu dishes.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: SamKey on July 28, 2013, 12:10:07 PM
 From this weeks Torah tavlin: A wise man said life is like toilet paper, the closer too the end you are the faster it goes!
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Dan on August 02, 2013, 03:51:29 PM
"BTW - sushi and shots is the modern version of herring and schnapps."
-Mendy H, via FB.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: jj1000 on August 02, 2013, 07:58:48 PM
"BTW - sushi and shots is the modern version of herring and schnapps."
-Mendy H, via FB.
lol nice, I always said if chabad was started in the US farbrangens would consist of a burgers/dogs/steak BBQ and beer. The only reason chassidim drink vodka and herring is because that is what everyone is Russia drank. Now it became "chassidish" to drink vodka and eat herring, while it's "fry" to have a BBQ and drink beer.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: hocker on August 03, 2013, 03:02:00 PM
lol nice, I always said if chabad was started in the US farbrangens would consist of a burgers/dogs/steak BBQ and beer. The only reason chassidim drink vodka and herring is because that is what everyone is Russia drank. Now it became "chassidish" to drink vodka and eat herring, while it's "fry" to have a BBQ and drink beer.
Anyone want to link Hilly Hill's video, I can't find it.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: meshugener on August 04, 2013, 10:25:47 AM
The one with Kugel and pizza? lol
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Moishebatchy on August 04, 2013, 12:42:18 PM
lol nice, I always said if chabad was started in the US farbrangens would consist of a burgers/dogs/steak BBQ and beer. The only reason chassidim drink vodka and herring is because that is what everyone is Russia drank. Now it became "chassidish" to drink vodka and eat herring, while it's "fry" to have a BBQ and drink beer.

How do you drink herring? ;D
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: SamKey on August 04, 2013, 01:35:50 PM
How do you drink herring? ;D
  :o and you call yourself chasiddish? :P
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Nitantnel on August 04, 2013, 01:54:33 PM
lol nice, I always said if chabad was started in the US farbrangens would consist of a burgers/dogs/steak BBQ and beer. The only reason chassidim drink vodka and herring is because that is what everyone is Russia drank. Now it became "chassidish" to drink vodka and eat herring, while it's "fry" to have a BBQ and drink beer.

I couldn't agree with you more.

With Vodka it's kind of tricky, people tend to associate pain with spirituality, so naturally vodka becomes a great choice as it does not outright seem like a indulging item.   
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: hocker on August 14, 2013, 03:40:55 AM
אז ס'גייט נישט ווי אזוי מ'וויל, זאל מען ווילען ווי אזוי ס'גייט און ס'וועט ממילא גיין ווי אזוי מ'וויל!

If anyone knows who authored this one, please share.

(Yiddish)
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: DH Data Recovery on August 14, 2013, 10:27:29 AM
Think ropshitz
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: SamKey on August 14, 2013, 10:28:59 AM
אז ס'גייט נישט ווי אזוי מ'וויל, זאל מען ווילען ווי אזוי ס'גייט און ס'וועט ממילא גיין ווי אזוי מ'וויל!

If anyone knows who authored this one, please share.

(Yiddish)
?עשה רצונך כרצונו כדי שיעשה רצונו
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Achas Veachas on August 14, 2013, 11:14:55 AM
?עשה רצונך כרצונו כדי שיעשה רצונו
Different meaning.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Feivish on August 18, 2013, 04:02:22 PM

Don't let what you can't do interfere with what you can do.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: hocker on August 24, 2013, 07:19:18 PM
It's better to be a dog of G-d than a G-d to dogs. -Rav Hutner
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: SamKey on August 24, 2013, 07:39:09 PM
Speaking of R Hutner, someone once asked him by a wedding what beracha to make on a complicated fancy dessert they were serving. His response:אויף דעם מאכט מען א שטיללע ברכה
 
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Achas Veachas on August 24, 2013, 10:01:27 PM
Speaking of R Hutner, someone once asked him by a wedding what beracha to make on a complicated fancy dessert they were serving. His response:אויף דעם מאכט מען א שטיללע ברכה
 
Like!
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: nocknock on August 25, 2013, 12:44:58 AM
אז ס'גייט נישט ווי אזוי מ'וויל, זאל מען ווילען ווי אזוי ס'גייט און ס'וועט ממילא גיין ווי אזוי מ'וויל!

If anyone knows who authored this one, please share.

(Yiddish)
If it doesn't go as you want, you should want as it goes and it will go as you want.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Menachem613 on August 25, 2013, 07:19:44 PM

Speaking of R Hutner, someone once asked him by a wedding what beracha to make on a complicated fancy dessert they were serving. His response:אויף דעם מאכט מען א שטיללע ברכה

Lol.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: DovtheBear on September 04, 2013, 12:33:06 PM
"I hate those websites that don't have United States first on the menu. They make you scroll down to the U's like a regular country." -Mendy Pellin
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: SamKey on September 07, 2013, 08:50:51 PM
A bachur once came over to R' Nissen Kaplan before Rosh Hashanah and told him he wants to go to Uman because R' Nachman promised to pull anyone who goes, out of hell by his peyos. "If he pulls you out I'll through you right back in, for leaving Yeshiva in middle of the Zman!"
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Chaikel on September 08, 2013, 09:29:31 AM
I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet.

It reminds me of why there is no money in there.

(via a friend on FB)
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: semper fi on September 08, 2013, 09:35:35 AM
A bachur once came over to R' Nissen Kaplan before Rosh Hashanah and told him he wants to go to Uman because R' Nachman promised to pull anyone who goes, out of hell by his peyos. "If he pulls you out I'll through you right back in, for leaving Yeshiva in middle of the Zman!"
How about "If you jump off the boat, you might have a kapparah"?
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Achas Veachas on September 08, 2013, 04:24:38 PM
Some of the one-liners no one says anymore...

(https://i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/7770505728/h9D1B74D3/)
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Achas Veachas on September 12, 2013, 10:10:02 AM
I'm old enough to know better but young enough not to care.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Columbiadorm on September 12, 2013, 12:20:37 PM
Tough times don't last, tough people do. -SZ
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: SamKey on September 13, 2013, 07:06:14 AM
How's this
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: YSP on September 16, 2013, 02:54:44 PM
ANDY ROONEY RECENTLY DIED AT AGE 92.
If you will take the time to read these. I promise you'll come away with an enlightened perspective. The subjects covered affect us all on a daily basis: They're written by Andy Rooney, a man who has the gift of saying so much with so few words. Enjoy.......
I've learned.... That the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.
I've learned.... That when you're in love, it shows.
I've learned.... That just one person saying to me, "You've made my day!" makes my day.
I've learned.... That having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world.
I've learned.... That being kind is more important than being right.
I've learned.... That you should never say no to a gift from a child.
I've learned.... That I can always pray for someone when I don't have the strength to help him in some other way.
I've learned.... That no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.
I've learned.... That sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand.
I've learned.... That simple walks with my father around the block on summer nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult.
I've learned.... That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
I've learned.... That we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for.
I've learned.... That money doesn't buy class.
I've learned.... That it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.
I've learned.... That under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.
I've learned.... That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.
I've learned.... That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you.
I've learned.... That love, not time, heals all wounds.
I've learned.... That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.
I've learned.... That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.
I've learned.... That no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.
I've learned... That life is tough, but I'm tougher.
I've learned.... That opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.
I've learned.... That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.
I've learned.... That I wish I could have told my Mom that I love her one more time before she passed away.
I've learned.... That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them.
I've learned..... That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.
I've learned..... That when your newly born grandchild holds your little finger in his little fist, that you're hooked for life.
I've learned.... That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.
I've learned.... That the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.
 
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: MosheD on September 16, 2013, 03:09:54 PM
Wow fantastic! Think ill use one in an essay I'm in middle of writing :P:))
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: SamKey on September 16, 2013, 05:20:07 PM
one of then is a repost (http://forums.dansdeals.com/index.php?topic=2321.msg536004#msg536004)
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: SamKey on September 16, 2013, 05:21:49 PM
My Rabbi is so poor if he wouldn't fast every Monday and Thursday, he'd starve to death!
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Achas Veachas on September 16, 2013, 05:32:18 PM
one of then is a repost (http://forums.dansdeals.com/index.php?topic=2321.msg536004#msg536004)
???
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: meshugener on September 16, 2013, 09:08:00 PM
Thats nice.
My favorite: everyone wants to live on
top of the mountain, but all the happiness and
growth occurs while you're climbing it.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: sky121 on September 16, 2013, 09:38:49 PM
Didn't we have a quotes thread around here somewhere?


    Anyways,  I just read this for the first time a few days ago and really liked it.

   "There are hundreds of paths up the mountain, all leading in the same direction, so it doesn't matter which path you take.  The only one wasting time is the one who runs around and around the mountain, telling everyone that his or her path is wrong. "
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Achas Veachas on September 16, 2013, 11:08:40 PM
Thats nice.
My favorite: everyone wants to live on
top of the mountain, but all the happiness and
growth occurs while you're climbing it.
+1
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: whYME on September 18, 2013, 12:41:21 AM
Just came across this one:


10 easy steps to stop procrastination

1.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: DovtheBear on September 30, 2013, 01:26:44 PM
The first rule about Kiddush club is there is no Kiddush club. 384726847168053248[/tweet]?p=v]-Mendy Pellin via Jewbellish (http://[tweet)
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Dan on September 30, 2013, 01:29:36 PM
The first rule about Kiddush club is there is no Kiddush club. 384726847168053248[/tweet]?p=v]-Mendy Pellin via Jewbellish[/url]
:D (http://[tweet)
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Achas Veachas on September 30, 2013, 02:31:45 PM
The difference between a wise man and a fool; a fool says the truth, the wise man never says a lie.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: SamKey on September 30, 2013, 10:31:59 PM
The first rule about Kiddush club is there is no Kiddush club. 384726847168053248[/tweet]?p=v]-Mendy Pellin via Jewbellish[/url]
so true! (http://[tweet)
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Myccrabbi on September 30, 2013, 11:24:04 PM
comment sense is not so comment

Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: DovtheBear on September 30, 2013, 11:24:37 PM
comment sense is not so comment
No comment.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Myccrabbi on September 30, 2013, 11:25:11 PM
Not those that know do rather those that do know

Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Myccrabbi on September 30, 2013, 11:26:03 PM
No comment.
srry I meant common

Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Dan on September 30, 2013, 11:40:58 PM
"Democracy will cease to exist when people realize they can vote themselves more money"
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: SamKey on October 01, 2013, 04:45:59 AM
"Democracy will cease to exist when people realize they can vote themselves more money"
ehm... it still exists, albeit not efficiently ;)
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: yuneeq on October 01, 2013, 10:39:40 AM
"Democracy will cease to exist when people realize they can vote themselves more money"

I believe you may have meant to write the real quote by Alexander Fraser Tytler:

"It is not, perhaps, unreasonable to conclude, that a pure and perfect democracy is a thing not attainable by man, constituted as he is of contending elements of vice and virtue, and ever mainly influenced by the predominant principle of self-interest. It may, indeed, be confidently asserted, that there never was that government called a republic, which was not ultimately ruled by a single will, and, therefore, (however bold may seem the paradox,) virtually and substantially a monarchy."

Or at the very least the quote someone misattributed to him:

"A democracy cannot exist as a permanent form of government. It can only exist until the majority discovers it can vote itself largess out of the public treasury. After that, the majority always votes for the candidate promising the most benefits with the result the democracy collapses because of the loose fiscal policy ensuing, always to be followed by a dictatorship, then a monarchy."
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Myccrabbi on October 01, 2013, 10:55:51 AM
I believe you may have meant to write the real quote by Alexander Fraser Tytler:

"It is not, perhaps, unreasonable to conclude, that a pure and perfect democracy is a thing not attainable by man, constituted as he is of contending elements of vice and virtue, and ever mainly influenced by the predominant principle of self-interest. It may, indeed, be confidently asserted, that there never was that government called a republic, which was not ultimately ruled by a single will, and, therefore, (however bold may seem the paradox,) virtually and substantially a monarchy."

Or at the very least the quote someone misattributed to him:

"A democracy cannot exist as a permanent form of government. It can only exist until the majority discovers it can vote itself largess out of the public treasury. After that, the majority always votes for the candidate promising the most benefits with the result the democracy collapses because of the loose fiscal policy ensuing, always to be followed by a dictatorship, then a monarchy."
a joke dissected (or 1 liner) is infected !!

Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Ergel on October 01, 2013, 10:58:05 AM
a joke dissected (or 1 liner) is infected !!
-1 that second one is a money quote
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Myccrabbi on October 01, 2013, 11:00:45 AM
a joke dissected (or 1 liner) is infected !!
(I just thought abot this line) if u can't originate don't imitate.. If u can't imitate then don't say it!!!

Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Dan on October 01, 2013, 11:11:43 AM
I believe you may have meant to write the real quote by Alexander Fraser Tytler:

"It is not, perhaps, unreasonable to conclude, that a pure and perfect democracy is a thing not attainable by man, constituted as he is of contending elements of vice and virtue, and ever mainly influenced by the predominant principle of self-interest. It may, indeed, be confidently asserted, that there never was that government called a republic, which was not ultimately ruled by a single will, and, therefore, (however bold may seem the paradox,) virtually and substantially a monarchy."

Or at the very least the quote someone misattributed to him:

"A democracy cannot exist as a permanent form of government. It can only exist until the majority discovers it can vote itself largess out of the public treasury. After that, the majority always votes for the candidate promising the most benefits with the result the democracy collapses because of the loose fiscal policy ensuing, always to be followed by a dictatorship, then a monarchy."
Those aren't one-liners. And my eyes glaze over reading them.
I'm quoting wherever I read it online.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Myccrabbi on October 01, 2013, 11:15:54 AM
Those aren't one-liners. And my eyes glaze over reading them.
I'm quoting wherever I read it online.
!!!!

Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: yuneeq on October 01, 2013, 11:29:40 AM
Those aren't one-liners. And my eyes glaze over reading them.
I'm quoting wherever I read it online.

I brought them because one line didn't suffice, as samkey has shown.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: good sam on October 01, 2013, 06:25:32 PM
Never trust an atom--they make up everything!
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Achas Veachas on October 01, 2013, 06:32:23 PM
A Physicist is the atoms’ way of thinking about atoms.  --Richard Feynman
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Dan on October 02, 2013, 12:34:40 AM
"Rouhani thinks he can have his yellowcake and eat it too."
-BiBi
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Myccrabbi on October 02, 2013, 12:37:04 AM
"Rouhani thinks he can have his yellowcake and eat it too."
-BiBi
halevai he would choke on the cake :)

Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Ergel on October 02, 2013, 02:10:08 AM
"Rouhani thinks he can have his yellowcake and eat it too."
-BiBi
Makes no sense. You can have cake and eat it. The real saying goes eat your cake and have it too, which is quite a difficult task
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Myccrabbi on October 02, 2013, 02:33:34 AM
Makes no sense. You can have cake and eat it. The real saying goes eat your cake and have it too, which is quite a difficult task
saying good saying good but he israeli so...

Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: george on October 02, 2013, 02:45:52 AM
Makes no sense. You can have cake and eat it. The real saying goes eat your cake and have it too, which is quite a difficult task
-10
The real saying is "have your cake and eat it too" (and the implication, according to my understanding, is not that it is a difficult task, rather that it is two levels of enjoyment - having AND eating - you can have the cake but then you may not eat it - that's too much to ask for.) Is English your first language? Bibi got it right, and English is not his first language...
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Myccrabbi on October 02, 2013, 03:04:20 AM
-10
The real saying is "have your cake and eat it too" (and the implication, according to my understanding, is not that it is a difficult task, rather that it is two levels of enjoyment - having AND eating - you can have the cake but then you may not eat it - that's too much to ask for.) Is English your first language? Bibi got it right, and English is not his first language...
+1

Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Chaikel on October 02, 2013, 05:16:25 AM
-10
The real saying is "have your cake and eat it too" (and the implication, according to my understanding, is not that it is a difficult task, rather that it is two levels of enjoyment - having AND eating - you can have the cake but then you may not eat it - that's too much to ask for.) Is English your first language? Bibi got it right, and English is not his first language...
+1
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: bubbles on October 02, 2013, 08:26:02 AM
The point of the line is that you can't physically eat it and still have it. If you can explain to me what enjoyment you have out of having a piece of cake you can't eat maybe well go with your interpretation :)

Furthermore, according to your understanding, shouldn't it simply say "you can have your cake but you can't eat it"?

So I'm going with Ergel on this one, though I always heard the line as have your cake and eat it too
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: yuneeq on October 02, 2013, 09:12:13 AM
http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/You_can't_have_your_cake_and_eat_it
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Ergel on October 02, 2013, 09:19:29 AM
-10
The real saying is "have your cake and eat it too" (and the implication, according to my understanding, is not that it is a difficult task, rather that it is two levels of enjoyment - having AND eating - you can have the cake but then you may not eat it - that's too much to ask for.) Is English your first language? Bibi got it right, and English is not his first language...

No reason to get feisty.

http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/You_can't_have_your_cake_and_eat_it
I rest my case
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: george on October 02, 2013, 09:29:50 AM
The point of the line is that you can't physically eat it and still have it. If you can explain to me what enjoyment you have out of having a piece of cake you can't eat maybe well go with your interpretation :)

Furthermore, according to your understanding, shouldn't it simply say "you can have your cake but you can't eat it"?

So I'm going with Ergel on this one, though I always heard the line as have your cake and eat it too
Point well taken.
Though my main point was confirming the order of phrases in the saying, and the Wikipedia article verifies that.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Ergel on October 02, 2013, 10:49:33 AM
I know that's the common usage. Just saying it doesn't make sense as wikipedia confirms and the actual source has it the correct way.
And again no reason to start name calling
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: george on October 02, 2013, 10:50:58 AM
I know that's the common usage. Just saying it doesn't make sense as wikipedia confirms and the actual source has it the correct way.
And again no reason to start name calling
Never meant to do any name calling; was curios if English was your first language, that's all.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Ergel on October 02, 2013, 10:53:51 AM
Never meant to do any name calling; was curios if English was your first language, that's all.
::)
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: george on October 02, 2013, 10:57:11 AM
::)
I see you don't believe me. In that case, I apologize for the misunderstanding. May you be blessed with all things good.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: elikay on October 02, 2013, 11:27:10 AM
"There are 2 types of people: people who use phones while driving, and people that don't have phones" :)
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: yuneeq on October 02, 2013, 11:52:57 AM
I know that's the common usage. Just saying it doesn't make sense as wikipedia confirms and the actual source has it the correct way.
And again no reason to start name calling

It does make sense, just in a different way.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Myccrabbi on October 02, 2013, 12:43:52 PM
There is nothing more whole then a broken heart there is nothing more depressing then a happy breslover and nothing more cold then a warm litvak


Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Achas Veachas on October 02, 2013, 01:44:30 PM
Bibi Netanyahu is a sheep in wolves' clothing
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: DovtheBear on October 02, 2013, 01:48:03 PM
Bibi Netanyahu is a sheep in wolves' clothing
-Rouhani?
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Dan on October 02, 2013, 01:50:31 PM
Bibi Netanyahu is a sheep in wolves' clothing
Perhaps a wolf in sheep's clothing as well...#Chevron
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Achas Veachas on October 02, 2013, 01:54:03 PM
-Rouhani?
-Israeli taxi Driver
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Myccrabbi on October 05, 2013, 10:38:27 PM
 Q: Y in ana hashem hoshia do we shake lulov and by ana hashem hatzlicha we don't A: wen itz a hoshia its time to move  wen hatzlicha its not time to move

Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: SamKey on October 05, 2013, 10:43:22 PM
Beauty may only be skin deep, but ugliness is definitely through an through  ;D
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Myccrabbi on October 05, 2013, 10:54:57 PM
Beauty may only be skin deep, but ugliness is definitely through an through  ;D
which reminds me of the exchange between a man and a women W: u r drunk M: wen I wake up tomorrow ill b sober wen u wake up tomorrow u still b ugly W: (deeply insulted) if u would b my husband I would put poison in ur tea M: if u would b my wife I would drink it!!!!

Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Myccrabbi on October 05, 2013, 10:57:48 PM
If u work for a living y kill urself working :)

Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: YOSEF on October 05, 2013, 11:06:27 PM
which reminds me of the exchange between a man and a women W: u r drunk M: wen I wake up tomorrow ill b sober wen u wake up tomorrow u still b ugly W: (deeply insulted) if u would b my husband I would put poison in ur tea M: if u would b my wife I would drink it!!!!


Oy.
Lady Astor and Winston Churchill.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Myccrabbi on October 05, 2013, 11:08:05 PM
Oy.
Lady Astor and Winston Churchill.
yup :D

Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Achas Veachas on October 09, 2013, 05:39:10 PM
(https://i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/7836976640/hB538302F/)
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: sky121 on October 09, 2013, 05:41:01 PM
(https://i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/7836976640/hB538302F/)
Lol
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: DovtheBear on October 13, 2013, 04:23:22 PM
If I owned a Hashgacha company I'd call it "protis" just to confuse people. 

"What's the Hashgacha?"
"protis"
"huh?!"

-Mendy Pellin
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: hocker on October 13, 2013, 09:06:42 PM
שמחה גדולה להיות במצוה תמיד!
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Galitzyaner on October 13, 2013, 10:02:12 PM
!מתחילים מבראשית ואם לא נח אז לך לך
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: churnbabychurn on October 13, 2013, 10:34:25 PM
I pray for a future where there is complete equality across the globe, and also free shipping.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Achas Veachas on October 14, 2013, 12:42:01 PM
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Moishebatchy on October 14, 2013, 06:33:51 PM
I pray for a future where there is complete equality across the globe, and also free shipping.

Like! :)
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: ckmk47 on October 14, 2013, 11:00:23 PM
Lack of direction is the problem...not lack of time.
We all have the same 24 hours each day.


Impossible only means you haven't found the solution yet.

Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: yuneeq on October 15, 2013, 02:41:37 PM
Just heard this one

משנכנס אב, ממעטין בשמחה

HT: itsyehuda ;)
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Achas Veachas on October 15, 2013, 02:45:40 PM
Just heard this one

משנכנס אב, ממעטין בשמחה

HT: itsyehuda ;)
???
מסכת תענית דף כו עמוד ב
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: yuneeq on October 15, 2013, 02:56:47 PM
???
מסכת תענית דף כו עמוד ב

Yup. The HT should give the joke away, if not for the fact that I'm the one who just heard it ;)
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: yuneeq on October 17, 2013, 01:27:54 PM
The most dangerous side-effect of smoking cannabis is getting arrested, and having your life ruined by a needless prison sentence.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: SamKey on October 17, 2013, 03:57:22 PM
The most dangerous side-effect of smoking cannabis is getting arrested, and having your life ruined by a needless prison sentence.
yeah I hate when that happens!
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Chaikel on October 18, 2013, 09:10:14 AM
You can't make this up.

LOT's J class is PREMIUM ECONOMY!! Talk about Polish...
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: DovtheBear on October 19, 2013, 10:13:44 PM
Quote from: Jewish Hock
391730266017771520[/tweet]]I learned a new #Chabad niggun over Shabbos. It goes like this: ''Ay yay ay yay yay...''[/url]
:P (http://[tweet)
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Super Speed on October 20, 2013, 12:29:58 PM
Scratch-offs are a tax on people who are bad at math!

Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: yuneeq on October 20, 2013, 12:48:45 PM
Scratch-offs are a tax on people who are bad at math!

Lotteries are a tax on the poor.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: ilherman on October 21, 2013, 03:14:23 PM
For the ladies here....

Your dresses should be tight enough to show you're a women and loose enough to show you're a lady.

HT: Rodeo Drive walk of style.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: yuneeq on October 21, 2013, 09:20:54 PM
NSA director stepping down to spend less time with your family.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: meshugener on October 21, 2013, 09:24:55 PM
NSA director stepping down to spend less time with your family.
:)
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: ckmk47 on October 21, 2013, 11:41:41 PM
NSA director stepping down to spend less time with your family.
Had to read it twice, but ROFL.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Galitzyaner on October 22, 2013, 01:45:25 AM
NSA director stepping down to spend less time with your family.
ALOL. Great one!
For the ladies here....

Your dresses should be tight enough to show you're a women and loose enough to show you're a lady.

HT: Rodeo Drive walk of style.
::)
BTW womEn is plural ;)
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Achas Veachas on October 22, 2013, 10:27:54 PM
 I have a theory that you can make any sentence seem profound by writing the name of a dead philosopher at the end of it.   - Plato
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: SamKey on October 23, 2013, 12:57:43 AM
Behind every great man... is his wife frowning in disapproval
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Myccrabbi on October 23, 2013, 01:43:07 AM
Behind every great man... is his wife frowning with disapproval


The Shadchan asked me if I'm looking for a girl "with it". My response: "Definitely not a girl without it"
sara imainu in between :D

Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Achas Veachas on October 23, 2013, 07:40:20 AM
Behind every great man... is his wife frowning in disapproval
Noch a Nusach: Behind every great man... is his wife rolling her eyes...
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: YSP on October 23, 2013, 11:26:03 AM
Noch a Nusach:
Behind every great man .... stands an incredulous mother in law
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: yuneeq on October 23, 2013, 02:21:15 PM
Behind every great man .... stands an incredulous mother in law

My homemade version-
Behind every great man...stands a furious feminist
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: SamKey on October 23, 2013, 07:22:58 PM
My homemade version-
Behind every great man...stands a furious feminist
???
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: yuneeq on October 23, 2013, 07:24:41 PM
???

He's great and she has to stand behind...
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: SamKey on October 23, 2013, 09:02:14 PM
He's great and she has to stand behind...
Oh :-[
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: DovtheBear on October 25, 2013, 01:32:30 AM
"Obama will be driving through Crown Heights tomorrow. Wanna join my "Re-Open Union Mikvah" protest?"-Mendy Pellin
I don't get it, but it sounds like its supposed to be good. Anyone care to explain?
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Achas Veachas on October 25, 2013, 01:53:51 AM
Union Mikvah was an infamous Mikvah that thankfully shut its doors a few years back, yet most Crown Heightsers still feel very nostalgic about it.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: DovtheBear on October 25, 2013, 01:55:01 AM
Union Mikvah was an infamous Mikvah that thankfully shut its doors a few years back, yet most Crown Heightsers still feel very nostalgic about it.
Obama?
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Achas Veachas on October 25, 2013, 01:59:00 AM
Obama?
Just an occasion to have a demonstration (come on you should know Mendy Pellin by now :P )
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: DovtheBear on October 25, 2013, 02:00:27 AM
Just an occasion to have a demonstration
(come on you should know Mendy Pellin by now :P )
I should've known.
;)
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: notanonymous on October 25, 2013, 02:09:28 AM
"Obama will be driving through Crown Heights tomorrow. Wanna join my "Re-Open Union Mikvah" protest?"-Mendy Pellin
I don't get it, but it sounds like its supposed to be good. Anyone care to explain?
It sounds like he wants to protest against (this is what protest means) the reopening of the mikvah.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: good sam on October 30, 2013, 10:47:12 AM
(http://image-store.slidesharecdn.com/3e0c1102-3bf0-11e3-a4f3-22000ab6bab8-large.png#!)
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Achas Veachas on October 30, 2013, 10:50:05 AM
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet.

Jean-Jacques Rousseau
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: SamKey on October 30, 2013, 06:18:16 PM
this one is pretty good
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: DovtheBear on November 02, 2013, 09:23:10 PM
Heard on Kulula 255 just after a very hard landing in Cape Town: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said,
"That was quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: DovtheBear on November 02, 2013, 11:17:49 PM
Shluchim are encouraged not to change their clocks in order to start the #kinus on time. #ChabadTime -Mendy Pellin
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: SamKey on November 03, 2013, 10:36:49 AM
The Satmar Rav was once at a border and was asked "Who is on the $5 Bill" to which he turns to his gabai
זאג איהם  איך האב קיינמאהל נישט געזעהן ווינציגער פין א הינדרעדט
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Achas Veachas on November 03, 2013, 11:06:36 AM
Never be haughty to the humble; never be humble to the haughty.  -Jefferson Davis
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: SamKey on November 04, 2013, 12:22:31 AM
I'm so tired I can't even remember the last time I was so tired!-ME
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: notanonymous on November 04, 2013, 01:15:58 AM
The Satmar Rav was once at a border and was asked "Who is on the $5 Bill" to which he turns to his gabai
זאג איהם  איך האב קיינמאהל נישט געזעהן ווינציגער פין א הינדרעדט
Where did you see/hear that?
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Moishebatchy on November 04, 2013, 04:38:54 AM
Via Twitter:

United: We're proud to be the official airline of the @INGNYCMarathon. Good luck to the participants!

Chaikel: With United's new award chart, participants now have to run 48.9 miles! #UnitedUnfriendly #87pct more
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: wayfe on November 14, 2013, 10:33:50 AM
She gets her good looks from her father...
he's a plastic surgeon
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: whYME on November 17, 2013, 01:11:37 AM
I have mixed drinks about feelings.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Achas Veachas on November 24, 2013, 07:40:00 PM
Judging by how many times I was told about Stop, Drop and Roll as a kid, I really expected to be on fire more times in my life...
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: nafnaf12 on November 24, 2013, 10:44:35 PM
Why is a divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Achas Veachas on November 26, 2013, 11:37:23 AM
(https://i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/7910215168/h3835DE4E/)



(https://i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/7899147008/hFEBE1766/)
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: SamKey on November 29, 2013, 12:12:26 PM
Black Friday: "only in America people trample others for a sale exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have"!
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: hertzinstl on November 30, 2013, 02:26:18 PM
Vodka is not the answer . . . But it makes you forget the question
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Achas Veachas on December 09, 2013, 10:59:59 AM
When you think about how big the Earth is, and how it's just a fraction of the size of the sun, which is just a speck of dust in the universe... It makes ir easy to rationalize eating an entire cake.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Super Speed on December 18, 2013, 02:20:57 AM
Noone ever suffered eye strain from looking at the bright side of things.

Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Feivish on December 19, 2013, 04:23:46 PM
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: whYME on December 19, 2013, 04:36:11 PM
Noone ever suffered eye strain from looking at the bright side of things.
I disagree.

Looking at bright things usually hurts/strains my eyes...
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: good sam on December 19, 2013, 04:52:15 PM
When you think about how big the Earth is, and how it's just a fraction of the size of the sun, which is just a speck of dust in the universe... It makes ir easy to rationalize eating an entire cake.
Dangerous thinking.  This impacts far more than cake.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Achas Veachas on December 19, 2013, 05:38:08 PM
Dangerous thinking.  This impacts far more than cake.
I believe that's the joke here....
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Achas Veachas on December 24, 2013, 04:21:50 PM
(https://i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/7913524480/h2E4E4256/)
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: whYME on December 27, 2013, 02:30:15 AM
A few great lines from my FB feed today:

"Are any of you who prayed for white Xmas available to come help me shovel?"

"This morning Delta Airlines had a bit of a match with the Jewish Nation. Score: Jews 1 Delta 0..."

"I feel bad for kids with lesbian parents, they get stuck in the never-ending loop of 'go ask your mother.'"
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: sky121 on December 30, 2013, 11:22:30 PM
 “Tourists don’t know where they’ve been, travelers don’t know where they’re going.” – Paul Theroux
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Dan on January 02, 2014, 08:08:47 PM
AMAZING!

(http://media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/7c/4d/d2/7c4dd283d827dec81ebafa0ad7859946.jpg)
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: bubbles on January 02, 2014, 08:12:45 PM
AMAZING!

(http://media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/7c/4d/d2/7c4dd283d827dec81ebafa0ad7859946.jpg)

LOL!
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: whYME on January 02, 2014, 08:16:34 PM
Awesome! So true.

I had already seen this before yet I still ALOLed reading it.

Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: ushdadude on January 02, 2014, 08:21:55 PM
#11- usually about the first time I check DDF for updates :P
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: SamKey on January 02, 2014, 11:22:29 PM
Great!
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Super Speed on January 03, 2014, 12:09:25 AM
Still have tears coming out of my eyes from laughter.

Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: SamKey on January 05, 2014, 10:45:27 PM
Some people stop to think but forget to start again
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: emak on January 06, 2014, 12:37:02 PM
Pretty funny. Just wondering why Bubbles felt the need to make me scroll down the screen for another 15 seconds and quote the whole post right on top of his.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Achas Veachas on January 06, 2014, 12:38:28 PM
Some people stop to think but forget to start again
Did you ever stop to think.... and then forget to start again?
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: danrocks613 on January 06, 2014, 01:37:21 PM

Pretty funny. Just wondering why Bubbles felt the need to make me scroll down the screen for another 15 seconds and quote the whole post right on top of his.
use tap stalk and your scroll would be ninexistent
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Achas Veachas on January 07, 2014, 09:36:45 AM
Give me coffee to change the things I can change, and wine to accept the things I can't.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: wayfe on January 07, 2014, 10:10:51 AM
Give me coffee to change the things I can change, and wine to accept the things I can't.

Then the most ideal drink is...

...coffee liquor?
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: moshe_m on January 07, 2014, 12:31:52 PM
It's so cold outside, my phone doesn't recognize my finger, it thinks it's just a random carrot... #brrrrrrrr
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: meshugener on January 07, 2014, 02:59:36 PM
It's so cold outside, my phone doesn't recognize my finger, it thinks it's just a random carrot... #brrrrrrrr
lol had same thing today
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: ckmk47 on January 07, 2014, 03:00:52 PM
It's so cold outside, my phone doesn't recognize my finger, it thinks it's just a random carrot... #brrrrrrrr
http://www.amazon.com/Texting-Gloves-Screen-Android-Devices/dp/B004FOHNT8/ref=pd_sxp_f_pt
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: wayfe on January 07, 2014, 10:34:43 PM
Could you please put your crying kid on vibrate?
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Achas Veachas on January 09, 2014, 02:59:35 PM
Everything ends up ok in the end, if it's not ok then you're obviously not at the end!

Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Myccrabbi on January 09, 2014, 03:01:39 PM
Everything ends up ok in the end, if it's not ok then it's obviously not the end!
nice!
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: ushdadude on January 09, 2014, 03:49:53 PM
If you enjoy your profession, you'll never work a day in your life
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: SamKey on January 09, 2014, 09:35:10 PM
If you enjoy your profession, you'll never work a day in your life
Repost
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: ushdadude on January 09, 2014, 09:37:22 PM
Repost

Sorry. Still true though
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Achas Veachas on January 28, 2014, 10:46:08 AM
Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: username on January 28, 2014, 11:23:48 AM
I Love cats...they taste just like turkey.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: wayfe on January 28, 2014, 05:32:09 PM
I want to travel the world but I also just want to stay in bed...
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Moishebatchy on January 28, 2014, 06:31:18 PM
use tap stalk and your scroll would be ninexistent

So would your spelling, apparently. >:D
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Chaikel on January 30, 2014, 05:48:27 PM
If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us miles.
Oh wait...
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: cf on January 30, 2014, 06:50:42 PM
Most of our problems are because we act without thinking or we keep thinking without acting.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: sky121 on January 30, 2014, 06:53:16 PM
Most of our problems are because we act without thinking or we keep thinking without acting.

Like!
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: avadah on January 31, 2014, 02:34:43 AM
Money can't buy happiness but I like to have it around to choose the misery that suits me best.
-Groucho Marx
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: DovtheBear on February 07, 2014, 11:38:24 AM
'The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.' -Joan Rivers

'Politics is just show business for ugly people.' -Jay Leno
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Excalibur on February 09, 2014, 12:54:40 AM
In response to a story of a guy quitting heroin by chopping off an arm,

That seems like a permanent solution to a temporary problem
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: YSP on February 10, 2014, 09:25:16 AM
“if I make you breakfast in bed, a simple “thank you” is all I need.  Not all this “how did you get in my house” business.”
 
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: SamKey on February 10, 2014, 10:10:48 AM
“if I make you breakfast in bed, a simple “thank you” is all I need.  Not all this “how did you get in my house” business.”
ROFL
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Achas Veachas on February 12, 2014, 11:27:45 AM
If prisons let prisoners take their own mugshots, would they be called cellfies?
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: rj95 on February 12, 2014, 11:39:37 AM
The only product Microsoft could ever make that wouldn't suck, would be a vacuum cleaner.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: wayfe on February 12, 2014, 11:43:10 AM
People who live in glass houses, shouldn't.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: skyguy918 on February 12, 2014, 03:31:30 PM
The only product [fill in any company you don't like] could ever make that wouldn't suck, would be a vacuum cleaner.
FTFY
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: wayfe on February 12, 2014, 03:33:24 PM
FTFY

So I'm guessing you're a microsoft fan?
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: skyguy918 on February 12, 2014, 03:42:31 PM
So I'm guessing you're a microsoft fan?
There are no Microsoft fans, there are Apple fanboys and everyone else.  ;D Either way, the point was that the joke itself is not specific to Microsoft, you can apply it to any company you think makes bad products.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: lubaby on March 11, 2014, 11:18:33 AM
Spring is here. I’m so excited I wet my plants!
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Super Speed on March 11, 2014, 11:45:37 AM
No one types quicker then a pissed off girl!
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: ckmk47 on March 11, 2014, 12:18:09 PM
Spring is here. I’m so excited I wet my plants!
;D
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: 12HRS on March 11, 2014, 08:32:47 PM
They should make amazon prime for shidduchim, all your dates in 2 days or less for one yearly fee...
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: icapd1 on March 12, 2014, 11:37:56 AM
“America has become a strong nation. Fifty years ago it took two adults to carry ten dollars worth of groceries. Today a five year old can do that all on his own”
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: cozmohoot on March 12, 2014, 12:26:21 PM
“America has become a strong nation. Fifty years ago it took two adults to carry ten dollars worth of groceries. Today a five year old can do that all on his own”
not a bad 1st post :) welcome
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: icapd1 on March 12, 2014, 01:07:43 PM
Thank you. I'm a newbie here, but this isn't my first post.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: ckmk47 on March 12, 2014, 02:01:17 PM
Thank you. I'm a newbie here, but this isn't my first post.
I thought I remembered you from the now shidduch thread.  Good post there, by the way.  Something's wrong with the post count.

Edit: Just Shmooze posts don't go toward the post count.  Only one of your post wasn't Shmoozing.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Achas Veachas on March 12, 2014, 02:06:21 PM
I thought I remembered you from the now shidduch thread.  Good post there, by the way.  Something's wrong with the post count.
Nothing wrong, posts in JS don't count.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: ckmk47 on March 12, 2014, 02:39:39 PM
Last Edit: Today at 02:06:16 PM by ckmk47 »
Edit: Just Shmooze posts don't go toward the post count.  Only one of your post wasn't Shmoozing.
Nothing wrong, posts in JS don't count.
Beat you by :06 sec
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: ckmk47 on March 16, 2014, 09:15:35 PM
Moved to 'Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?' http://forums.dansdeals.com/index.php?topic=344.new#new
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: metziah on March 16, 2014, 09:31:14 PM
"He's like a Jamaican before he gets pissed"
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: 12HRS on March 16, 2014, 09:49:46 PM
Next year's shalach monos theme:  3 R's - recycle, reuse and return.  Happy Purim!
When someone gives you a shalach monos, put a sticker on it with the theme written out, and then hand it back to them!
No more spending the night before Purim on preparing shlach monos!

I'm still a bit drunk but i count 3 lines.
this is a one liner thread.
start a thread for best three liners.

lets start a thread for every amount of lines.

next guys response. its called a best jokes thread.

So why do we have a best one liner thread?

cause they are only one line.

hrm i think we need a best three liner thread....


/not sober completely.

blame spell check for bad spelling.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Achas Veachas on March 16, 2014, 11:30:07 PM


blame spell check for bad spelling.
No. I will blame:
I'm still a bit drunk...


/not sober completely.


Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: 12HRS on March 17, 2014, 09:38:14 AM

blame spell check for bad spelling.


Lol I seriously thought I wrote blame spell check for good spelling...
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Achas Veachas on March 17, 2014, 10:01:58 AM

Lol I seriously thought I wrote blame spell check for good spelling...
I'll blame your drunkenness for that too...
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Freddie on March 18, 2014, 03:05:02 AM
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: good sam on March 18, 2014, 02:42:51 PM
I'm still a bit drunk but i count 3 lines.
this is a one liner thread.
start a thread for best three liners.

lets start a thread for every amount of lines.

next guys response. its called a best jokes thread.

So why do we have a best one liner thread?

cause they are only one line.

hrm i think we need a best three liner thread....


/not sober completely.

blame spell check for bad spelling.
Great drunk post!!!!
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Chaikel on April 30, 2014, 01:12:03 PM
Sterling insists hes not a racists. He says some of his best credit cards are black.
--Jimmy Kimmel
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: SamKey on May 01, 2014, 02:57:50 PM
Sterling insists hes not a racists. He says some of his best credit cards are black.
--Jimmy Kimmel
ROFL
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: rj95 on May 07, 2014, 01:50:44 PM
Good judgement comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgement.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: CS1 on May 07, 2014, 02:18:15 PM
They should make amazon prime for shidduchim, all your dates in 2 days or less for one yearly fee...
This line works for UPS now. UPS for Shidduchim: Terri the UPS Shadchan guy:
http://forums.dansdeals.com/index.php?topic=41171.0  +  http://www.collive.com/show_news.rtx?id=30149&alias=the-shadchan-was-the-ups-man
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Achas Veachas on May 13, 2014, 01:35:56 PM
(http://static.someecards.com/someecards/usercards/1339540586340_2264850.png)
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Joe4007 on May 13, 2014, 01:44:56 PM
(http://static.someecards.com/someecards/usercards/1339540586340_2264850.png)
Good one!
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: ushdadude on May 20, 2014, 07:50:47 PM
Organic food is the dietary equivalent of driving a prius.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: CS1 on May 20, 2014, 07:52:01 PM
Good one!
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: meshugener on May 26, 2014, 01:12:52 PM
I'm working today like no soldiers have fallen in the past century.

- Joe4007 (http://forums.dansdeals.com/index.php?action=profile;u=8271)
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Joe4007 on May 26, 2014, 01:23:07 PM
I'm working today like no soldiers have fallen in the past century.

- Joe4007 (http://forums.dansdeals.com/index.php?action=profile;u=8271)
LOL.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Freddie on May 27, 2014, 04:15:00 AM
(http://static.someecards.com/someecards/usercards/1339540586340_2264850.png)

Including the idiots who write "it's" in place of "its"?
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Achas Veachas on May 27, 2014, 07:48:15 AM
Including the idiots who write "it's" in place of "its"?
No those are in a different class, the only way to get them is through AJK's thread.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Freddie on May 27, 2014, 09:06:24 AM
No those are in a different class, the only way to get them is through AJK's thread.

Link?
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Achas Veachas on May 27, 2014, 09:11:17 AM
Link?
http://forums.dansdeals.com/index.php?topic=29462.0
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Freddie on May 27, 2014, 01:27:16 PM
http://forums.dansdeals.com/index.php?topic=29462.0

Okay, I'm enshrining your post.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Achas Veachas on May 27, 2014, 01:33:23 PM
Okay, I'm enshrining your post.
Hey! I didn't write it. >:( :P
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Freddie on May 28, 2014, 01:35:36 AM
Hey! I didn't write it. >:( :P

But you passed it on.  :P
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: yitzf on June 02, 2014, 12:20:10 AM
(http://i.imgur.com/lVWXF.jpg)
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: kracked dude on June 09, 2014, 06:35:58 PM
Saw this on a truck while I was driving so I couldn't take a pic.

"WORK HARDER!...... thousands on welfare depend on you!"
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: ckmk47 on June 09, 2014, 06:44:46 PM
Saw this on a truck while I was driving so I couldn't take a pic.

"WORK HARDER!...... thousands on welfare depend on you!"
;D , then again  >:(
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: kracked dude on June 09, 2014, 06:45:27 PM
;D , then again  >:(
+1
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: etech0 on June 10, 2014, 12:46:03 PM
I sometimes use high vocabulary words that I don't understand, to make myself sound more photosynthesis.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: MC on June 10, 2014, 12:50:42 PM
I sometimes use high vocabulary words that I don't understand, to make myself sound more photosynthesis.
LOL
I'm definitely reusing that one :)
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Achas Veachas on June 10, 2014, 01:01:48 PM
I sometimes use high vocabulary words that I don't understand, to make myself sound more photosynthesis.
ALOL :))
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: MC on June 16, 2014, 05:48:29 PM
"Think once before you act, twice before you speak, and three times before you post on Facebook."
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Achas Veachas on June 16, 2014, 06:12:16 PM
"Think once before you act, twice before you speak, and three times before you post on Facebook."
Seen on Facebook? :P
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: MC on June 16, 2014, 06:13:34 PM
Seen on Facebook? :P
Naturally :)
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Yehuda25 on June 16, 2014, 07:07:43 PM
Putting your phone in rice after its broken, hoping some asian guy will come and fix it  ;D
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: AnonymousUser on June 16, 2014, 07:14:13 PM
Putting your phone in rice after its broken, hoping some asian guy will come and fix it  ;D
Repost!
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Yehuda25 on June 16, 2014, 10:52:25 PM
Repost!
Sorry, I didn't see it.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: MC on June 18, 2014, 06:56:44 PM
My friend asked me what to do about her Kleptomania. I told her she should probably take something.

-Ellen
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: DovtheBear on June 18, 2014, 06:59:06 PM
My friend asked me what to do about her Kleptomania. I told her she should probably take something.

-Ellen
The thing with kleptomaniacs, is that they take things literally.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: AnonymousUser on June 18, 2014, 10:49:00 PM
The thing with kleptomaniacs, is that they take things literally.
ALOL!
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Myccrabbi on June 19, 2014, 02:04:45 AM
Reminds me of:
I might be skitzafranik but at least we have each other.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: ushdadude on June 19, 2014, 07:20:36 AM
Why can't you tell a pun to a kleptomaniac?

The thing with kleptomaniacs, is that they take things literally.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: aygart on June 19, 2014, 09:23:20 AM
Reminds me of:
I might be skitzafranik but at least we have each other.
what does a shiksa have to do with this?:-X
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Dr Moose on June 19, 2014, 09:35:28 AM
Why can't you tell a pun to a kleptomaniac?
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: MC on June 19, 2014, 09:55:50 AM

Reminds me of:
I might be a schizophrenic but at least we have each other.
FTFY
I guess even spell check didn't know what to do with that one :)
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Myccrabbi on June 19, 2014, 10:33:49 AM
FTFY
I guess even spell check didn't know what to do with that one :)
right on :)
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Super Speed on June 19, 2014, 08:49:57 PM
Money talks... Mine says good bye!

Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: DovtheBear on June 20, 2014, 01:52:15 AM
Money talks... Mine says good bye!
Money can't buy happiness-but it sure helps!
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Toasted on June 20, 2014, 09:03:53 AM
Money can't buy happiness-but it sure helps!

Money can't buy happiness-but it can help you suffer in comfort!!
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: TimT on June 20, 2014, 09:13:35 AM
Money can't buy happiness-but it can help you suffer in comfort!!
+1. Suffering in coach vs. suffering in first class.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: lubaby on June 30, 2014, 03:27:03 PM
Schrödinger's cat walks into a bar. And doesn't.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: SamKey on June 30, 2014, 03:30:57 PM
Schrödinger's cat walks into a bar. And doesn't.
lol
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: avadah on July 01, 2014, 03:54:49 AM
Money can't buy happiness-but it can help you suffer in comfort!!
Money can't buy happiness but I like to have it around to choose the misery that suits me best. -Groucho Marx
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Tuna Baygel on July 01, 2014, 11:58:29 AM
Money can't buy happiness, but if your miserable you might as well be comfortable---My Zaida Z"L

Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: rj95 on July 01, 2014, 02:05:56 PM
Don't wear fur! Do you know that one fur coat kills 14 trees just for the protest signs?! -Emo Philips
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Chaikel on July 18, 2014, 04:49:41 PM
Hamas claiming their rockets are shooting down 90% of Israel's Iron Dome missiles
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Achas Veachas on July 18, 2014, 04:53:36 PM
Hamas claiming their rockets are shooting down 90% of Israel's Iron Dome missiles
http://forums.dansdeals.com/index.php?topic=42493.msg867843#msg867843 ;)
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Chaikel on July 18, 2014, 04:55:10 PM
http://forums.dansdeals.com/index.php?topic=42493.msg867843#msg867843 ;)
You plagiarized it from me :)
I made up the line 2 days ago
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Achas Veachas on July 18, 2014, 04:56:40 PM
You plagiarized it from me :)
I made up the line 2 days ago
I made it up 2 days before that :P
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Freddie on July 18, 2014, 05:25:41 PM
Schrödinger's cat walks into a bar. And doesn't.

I am very sorry and not trying to be mean but that joke sucks.

If the cat walks into a bar, then that's it, he walked into a bar. The only uncertainty is when he is hidden from being observed.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Achas Veachas on July 18, 2014, 05:38:18 PM
I am very sorry and not trying to be mean but that joke sucks.

If the cat walks into a bar, then that's it, he walked into a bar. The only uncertainty is when he is hidden from being observed.
Well were YOU observing the bar?
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Twin on July 18, 2014, 07:32:45 PM
Hamas claiming their rockets are shooting down 90% of Israel's Iron Dome missiles
Lmao
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: skyguy918 on July 20, 2014, 11:14:19 AM
I am very sorry and not trying to be mean but that joke sucks.

If the cat walks into a bar, then that's it, he walked into a bar. The only uncertainty is when he is hidden from being observed.
Not according to the many worlds interpretation of quantam mechanics.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: hocker on July 20, 2014, 12:53:08 PM
Non-smokers and non-drinkers don't live longer - it just feels longer!
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: etech0 on July 20, 2014, 02:06:04 PM
I don't mean to brag or anything, but I just finished this 2 week diet in 3 days and 28 minutes
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Super Speed on July 20, 2014, 03:31:57 PM
I don't mean to brag or anything, but I just finished this 2 week diet in 3 days and 28 minutes
ALOL

Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: icapd1 on July 21, 2014, 05:07:45 PM
I don't mean to brag or anything, but I just finished this 2 week diet in 3 days and 28 minutes

Reminds of this one:

I don't mean to brag or make anyone jealous, but I still fit into the same earrings I wore in High School.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: etech0 on July 21, 2014, 06:19:00 PM
Reminds of this one:

I don't mean to brag or make anyone jealous, but I still fit into the same earrings I wore in High School.
;D
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: icapd1 on July 23, 2014, 03:07:06 PM
Life is like a camera. Just focus on what's important, capture the good times, develop from the negatives, and if things don't work out- just take another shot.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Novo on July 23, 2014, 05:41:19 PM
Life is like a camera. Just focus on what's important, capture the good times, develop from the negatives, and if things don't work out- just take another shot.
Nice
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: avadah on July 24, 2014, 03:00:39 AM
Life is like a camera. Just focus on what's important, capture the good times, develop from the negatives, and if things don't work out- just take another shot.
That's what's wrong with the world nowadays. No one develops negatives.  :P
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Achas Veachas on July 27, 2014, 12:38:09 PM
I am in an open relationship with my diet.

So now it isn't cheating.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: SamKey on July 27, 2014, 01:36:14 PM
I am in an open relationship with my diet.

So now it isn't cheating.
ROFL!!
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Chaikel on July 30, 2014, 10:57:52 PM
RT @Aletta_Haze:
For every action, there's an equal and opposite reaction. Plus a social media overreaction.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: DovtheBear on July 31, 2014, 01:49:32 PM
All who believe that the world was created by an explosion, are welcome to see how the IDF is building the Gaza Strip.

HT: @lfas25
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: etech0 on July 31, 2014, 08:16:26 PM
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Dr Moose on July 31, 2014, 09:33:16 PM
taking pictures with an iPad is the new fanny pack
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: DovtheBear on July 31, 2014, 09:35:48 PM
taking pictures with an iPad is the new fanny pack
Retweet
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: DovtheBear on August 01, 2014, 04:58:13 AM
Please take my advice; I don't need it.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Centro on August 01, 2014, 02:18:29 PM
(http://img.tapatalk.com/d/14/08/02/vagesa6e.jpg)
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: SamKey on August 02, 2014, 01:52:06 PM
Your inspirational statuses are uplifting my stomach content.

They should create an app that makes your cellphone go ''ahhhhhh'' when you plug it in.

HT:@Aletta_Haze
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: wayfe on August 02, 2014, 09:32:23 PM
"I've got nothing against hard work, particularly when it's done quietly and unobtrusively by someone else."
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Super Speed on August 03, 2014, 06:36:27 PM
If I had a flower for every time you made me smile and laugh,
I'd have a garden to walk in forever, so thank you!
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: DovtheBear on August 04, 2014, 03:40:35 AM
If I had a flower for every time you made me smile and laugh,
I'd have a garden to walk in forever, so thank you!
I have allergies.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Achas Veachas on August 14, 2014, 03:27:28 PM
Don't you hate it when you make a meaningful,
well-thought out quote and the only reason no
one likes it is because you quoted yourself? - Me

(well technically I saw it on twitter but... you get it)
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Mordyk on August 14, 2014, 03:40:26 PM
Don't you hate it when you make a meaningful,
well-thought out quote and the only reason no
one likes it is because you quoted yourself? - Me

(well technically I saw it on twitter but... you get it)
you ruined it with this
"(well technically I saw it on twitter but... you get it)"    ;)
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: etech0 on August 14, 2014, 03:45:50 PM
The problem with the rat race is that even if you win the race, you're still a rat.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: MC on August 19, 2014, 06:21:32 PM
"My Merrill Lynch account can't keep up with my wife's Neiman Marcus." -my boss
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Super Speed on August 19, 2014, 06:26:44 PM
Don't sweat the petty and don't pet the sweaty.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: DovtheBear on August 20, 2014, 01:43:52 PM
The problem with the rat race is that even if you win the race, you're still a rat.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: etech0 on August 21, 2014, 12:32:38 PM
Sometimes the customer is right. But sometimes the customer is just plain confused.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Novo on August 21, 2014, 12:34:03 PM
Sometimes the customer is right. But sometimes the customer is just plain confused.
Probably "happened in your office today" :)
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: etech0 on August 21, 2014, 12:43:54 PM
Probably "happened in your office today" :)
Not today... but often enough!
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Super Speed on August 21, 2014, 06:47:08 PM

Not today... but often enough!
Time for a new job?
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: etech0 on August 21, 2014, 07:38:36 PM
Time for a new job?
Na, these stories are what we laugh about together. The staff (for the most part) are great to work with. The customers are often not so savvy though...

This reminds me:
(http://www.sanitaryum.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/08/tumblr_m1k3lxl9yE1qdqr1xo1_500.png)
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: DovtheBear on August 28, 2014, 05:27:31 PM
"Instagram is down. We will post pictures of our lunch once it is back up." -PzFeed
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Achas Veachas on August 28, 2014, 05:29:07 PM
(https://i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/8291628544/hE4865194/)

(https://i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/8292640512/hFCEBFC23/)
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Yosel on August 29, 2014, 04:02:25 PM
You will never reach your destination if you
stop and throw stones at every dog that barks.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: ushdadude on September 11, 2014, 01:13:25 PM
Worry is the misuse of your imagination
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: etech0 on September 11, 2014, 01:13:55 PM
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: sky121 on September 14, 2014, 06:12:17 PM
"Your beliefs don't make you a better person, your behavior does."
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Sport on September 14, 2014, 09:02:10 PM
 "Being lost is never a matter of not knowing where you are; it’s a matter of not knowing where you aren’t."
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: cf on September 15, 2014, 06:22:36 PM
"Expecting the world to be fair with you because you are fair, is like expecting the lion not to eat you because you didn't eat him."
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: username on September 16, 2014, 10:42:42 AM
The sooner you realize that you've fallen behind, the more time you have to catch up
Ellul message
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Tuna Baygel on September 22, 2014, 02:48:52 PM
Be happy if your pissed off

It's a whole lot better than being pissed on!
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: etech0 on October 07, 2014, 12:44:31 PM
"Don't save what is left after spending; spend what is left after saving."
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: yos9694 on October 08, 2014, 08:48:41 AM
"Don't save what is left after spending; spend what is left after saving."

Does anyone ever say on their deathbed "I wish I'd saved more"? Supposedly thats the reason not to stay too long at the office, and it should apply to saving too :)
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: ushdadude on October 08, 2014, 09:09:26 AM
Does anyone ever say on their deathbed "I wish I'd saved more"? Supposedly thats the reason not to stay too long at the office, and it should apply to saving too :)

people do like to leave money for their kids though
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: coralsnake on October 08, 2014, 09:18:05 AM
Does anyone ever say on their deathbed "I wish I'd saved more"?
No but they say it when they can't work anymore and SS just doesn't cut it.

Then they die.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Achas Veachas on November 20, 2014, 11:36:33 AM
Chose a major you love and you will never work a day in your life... because that field probably isn't hiring.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Yehuda25 on November 20, 2014, 11:48:13 AM
Chose a major you love and you will never work a day in your life... because that field probably isn't hiring.
that's a good one! All college now days is a scandal anyhow.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: MC on November 20, 2014, 12:27:12 PM
that's a good one! All college now days is a scandal anyhow.
Huh? Do you mean a scam?
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Yehuda25 on November 20, 2014, 02:06:02 PM
Both, the whole system is messed up
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: theberk on November 20, 2014, 09:50:36 PM
What was that line about the traffic on the Verrazano?  ;)
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: good sam on November 23, 2014, 12:17:05 PM
"Like us on Facebook.  It's a great place to read our tweets a second time." - Tripp & Tyler
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Centro on December 02, 2014, 02:28:23 PM
If you want to go fast, go alone...
If you want to go far, go together...
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: CS1 on December 02, 2014, 08:27:59 PM
If you want to go fast, go alone...
If you want to go far, go together...
excellent!
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Achas Veachas on December 07, 2014, 08:17:29 AM
I use coffee to keep me going until it's acceptable to drink wine.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Novo on December 07, 2014, 10:14:12 AM
If you want to go fast, go alone...
If you want to go far, go together...
My new signature!
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Achas Veachas on December 09, 2014, 04:59:05 PM
There would be more happy marriages if husbands tried understanding their wives and wives tried understanding football.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: TimT on December 09, 2014, 06:05:07 PM
There would be more happy marriages if husbands tried understanding their wives and wives tried understanding football.
We just skip the middleman (woman) & try to understand football directly.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: yos9694 on December 09, 2014, 08:20:15 PM
We just skip the middleman (woman) & try to understand football directly.

Gay marriage?
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Achas Veachas on December 13, 2014, 08:54:05 PM
Engaging trolls on the internet is like trying to drown a vampire with your own blood...
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: skyguy918 on December 17, 2014, 11:49:51 PM
If you want to go fast, go alone...
If you want to go far, go together...
This was the epilogue of the movie The Good Lie (a movie about the Lost Boys of Sudan (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lost_Boys_of_Sudan)), attributed to an African proverb.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Achas Veachas on December 19, 2014, 10:33:37 AM
For me, "drink responsible" means don't spill any of it.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Achas Veachas on December 31, 2014, 03:47:53 PM
Men have feelings too... For example, some times I feel hungry.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: etech0 on December 31, 2014, 04:13:26 PM
Men have feelings too... For example, some times I feel hungry.
;D
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: chaimmayer on January 01, 2015, 12:28:59 PM
There would be more happy marriages if husbands tried understanding their wives and wives tried understanding football.
greatest חסד my wife does is when she pretends to be interested in credit cards
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: CS1 on January 01, 2015, 01:23:23 PM
greatest חסד my wife does is when she pretends to be interested in credit cards

iy"h she can/will provide you with a child who will eventually turn 18 -- and that will be a chessed, too...  :)
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: 12HRS on January 01, 2015, 08:30:26 PM
iy"h she can/will provide you with a child who will eventually turn 18 -- and that will be a chessed, too...  :)

Lol. took me a second but well said.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: CS1 on January 01, 2015, 08:48:31 PM
Lol. took me a second but well said.

ok..  thanks -- to clarify: Age 18 = new credit cards, etc...
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: ckmk47 on January 08, 2015, 08:23:07 PM
It's so cold I saw a gangsta pull up his pants!
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: yakov116 on January 13, 2015, 10:09:31 PM
Let's be nice to the wives here, they are not chrunable.  :)
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Achas Veachas on January 21, 2015, 10:53:32 AM
"A physicist is an atoms way of knowing about atoms"
----George Wald
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: etech0 on January 21, 2015, 11:03:05 AM
G-D only created a limited number of perfect heads, the rest He covered with hair 8)
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: ckmk47 on January 29, 2015, 09:07:59 PM
.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: TimT on January 29, 2015, 09:12:36 PM
.
good one
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: etech0 on January 29, 2015, 09:21:12 PM
LIKE
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Super Speed on January 29, 2015, 09:38:22 PM


iLike
FTFY
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: etech0 on January 29, 2015, 09:51:28 PM
FTFY
iLike
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Achas Veachas on March 02, 2015, 01:32:01 PM
Dark army humor from my Israeli friend:

What doesn't kill you will only make you stronger, and what does... will make your mother stronger. :-X
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: benjie1305 on March 02, 2015, 01:32:49 PM
Dark army humor from my Israeli friend:

What doesn't kill you will only make you stronger, and what does... will make your mother stronger. :-X

Ohh..not cool! :-X :o
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: maxie m on March 02, 2015, 02:31:21 PM
He who sits on hot stoves shall rise- confucious
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: maxie m on March 02, 2015, 02:33:32 PM
People see what is and ask why, I dream of what isn't and ask why not
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Achas Veachas on March 02, 2015, 02:35:24 PM
He who sits on hot stoves shall rise- confucious
"The trouble with quotes on the Internet is that it's difficult to determine whether or not they are genuine." - Abraham Lincoln
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: maxie m on March 02, 2015, 02:41:22 PM

no kidding, was an old one that used to go around ;)
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Achas Veachas on March 02, 2015, 02:49:20 PM
no kidding, was an old one that used to go around ;)
I've seen it before to but couldn't find a source attributing it to confucious...
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: bigbadmoish on March 02, 2015, 04:10:16 PM
Money doesnt buy you happiness but i'd rather cry in a lambo
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Freddie on March 02, 2015, 08:23:29 PM
Dark army humor from my Israeli friend:

What doesn't kill you will only make you stronger, and what does... will make your mother stronger. :-X
Wow! I'm totally floored. That is the darkest joke I have ever heard.
BTW what is the original Hebrew?
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Achas Veachas on March 02, 2015, 08:51:58 PM
Wow! I'm totally floored. That is the darkest joke I have ever heard.
BTW what is the original Hebrew?
He was actually telling it to someone in English so I don't know.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: bigbadmoish on March 03, 2015, 08:37:01 AM
If you can spit farther than you can throw, its time to quit smoking
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Achas Veachas on March 04, 2015, 09:43:21 AM
(https://i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/8453041920/h6100B0F9/)
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Achas Veachas on April 16, 2015, 04:13:34 PM
Remember when people had diaries and got mad when someone read them? Now they put everything online and get mad when no one does.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: etech0 on April 16, 2015, 04:16:17 PM
Remember when people had diaries and got mad when someone read them? Now they put everything online and get mad when no one does.
;D
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Achas Veachas on April 23, 2015, 03:06:26 PM
I have the heart of a lion, the eye of a hawk and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Iz on April 23, 2015, 03:12:55 PM
A furniture salesman delivered furniture to a kollel yungerman's home one evening, and the baby was crying, and he "compassionately" asked the mother "Your husband doesn't stay home at night to help you?".
She replied, "You're also not home helping your wife".
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: coralsnake on April 23, 2015, 03:15:03 PM
A furniture salesman delivered furniture to a kollel yungerman's home one evening, and the baby was crying, and he "compassionately" asked the mother "Your husband doesn't stay home at night to help you?".
She replied, "You're also not home helping your wife".
His wife left him. Way to rub it in.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Iz on April 23, 2015, 03:17:55 PM
His wife left him. Way to rub it in.
You're serious? You're defending this shoteh?
Yes, this actually happened to a friend of mine (to his wife).
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: coralsnake on April 23, 2015, 03:25:44 PM
You're serious? You're defending this shoteh?
Yes, this actually happened to a friend of mine (to his wife).
It was a joke. But what if the guy wasn't married? Just an a-hole?
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: ADG on April 23, 2015, 04:40:19 PM
Your money is as good as the advice you receive about it
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: JayR on April 24, 2015, 02:26:53 AM
The difference between men and boys are the price of the toys :D
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: etech0 on April 27, 2015, 03:57:42 PM
It's always a good idea to ask advice. That way you have someone to blame if things go wrong.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Achas Veachas on April 29, 2015, 06:59:08 PM
In theory there's no difference between theory and practice, in practice there is.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Freddie on April 29, 2015, 08:26:51 PM
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate; and I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: TimT on April 29, 2015, 08:33:28 PM
In theory there's no difference between theory and practice, in practice there is.
In theory there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice there is!
That's the right way :)
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Achas Veachas on April 29, 2015, 08:49:41 PM
That's the right way :)
Same thing... In theory at least :P
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: CS1 on May 05, 2015, 09:32:37 AM
I would classify them like this, the 380 is the king of the skies while the 747 is the queen.

great one-liner from last night/today ^  ^
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: ADG on May 06, 2015, 12:32:05 PM
"Like when you throw rocks at chilonim on shabbos, you don't scream, "chilul shabbos," you scream, "shabbos!"  Freddie
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Freddie on May 06, 2015, 03:28:13 PM
"Like when you throw rocks at chilonim on shabbos, you don't scream, "chilul shabbos," you scream, "shabbos!"  Freddie
Yes, it was a great line, and I am happy that somebody appreciated its comedic genius, but technically it's not really a one liner. A true one liner has to stand on its own without context.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Achas Veachas on May 08, 2015, 11:23:08 AM
(https://mmi613.whatsapp.net/d/YCY_LoeMkEIEX4UeeQUKEFVMwug/As779tcgnmip3BMRQAxMNuKfQ7b1jEUX5tyr5jQh8ply.jpg)
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: yos9694 on May 08, 2015, 05:31:54 PM
2014 called.... wants its sign back
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: maxie m on May 13, 2015, 08:20:12 PM
In light of all the noobs getting pranked.
Fool me once shame on you. fool me twice, shame on me

Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Freddie on May 13, 2015, 08:56:23 PM
In light of all the noobs getting pranked.
Fool me once shame on you. fool me twice, shame on me
n00bs got pranked!? that sounds hilarious! where? when? link, please?
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: maxie m on May 13, 2015, 10:33:57 PM
n00bs got pranked!? that sounds hilarious! where? when? link, please?
for the sake of continuity, no ;D
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: good sam on May 14, 2015, 12:02:26 AM
In light of all the noobs getting pranked.
Fool me once shame on you. fool me twice, shame on me
In Tennessee (or was it Texas?) they say: "Fool me once, shame on...shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again."
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: CS1 on May 20, 2015, 01:37:24 PM
That's what I told my wife this morning when we were in an argument. I said, "I don't have bad middos. I'm just trolling you!"
another one.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: etech0 on May 31, 2015, 08:41:32 PM
(http://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s--5eDQtpw7--/1273750194450266544.png)
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: etech0 on June 18, 2015, 08:50:39 PM
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: TimT on June 19, 2015, 09:15:13 AM
He who laughs last, is slow
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: shoobi on June 22, 2015, 07:41:19 PM
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

just saw this now, reading through old stuff... OMG i couldn't stop laughing for like 5 min
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: shoobi on June 22, 2015, 07:41:46 PM
He who laughs last, thinks the slowest

FTFY
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: ADG on June 23, 2015, 12:42:06 PM
Why do i need to press 1 for english in America!!!!???

(not a rhetorical q)
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: etech0 on June 23, 2015, 12:44:09 PM
What is a rhetorical question?
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: yos9694 on June 23, 2015, 04:06:34 PM
Shouldn't you know what a rhetorical question is when you see one?
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: etech0 on June 23, 2015, 04:22:03 PM
Shouldn't you know what a rhetorical question is when you see one?
You don't expect me to answer that, do you?
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: grodnoking on June 23, 2015, 05:13:24 PM
Shouldn't you know what a rhetorical question is when you see one?
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: SamKey on June 24, 2015, 01:47:28 AM
Who on earth decided that one can just wake up and smell coffee? >:(
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: wayfe on June 24, 2015, 06:50:19 AM
Who on earth decided that one can just wake up and smell coffee? >:(

A married man, I suppose.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: skyguy918 on June 24, 2015, 08:45:58 AM
Who on earth decided that one can just wake up and smell coffee? >:(
Reminds me of a line from a rebbe I know.

The best part of Folgers in my cup of waking up.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: blerbz on June 24, 2015, 06:56:07 PM
What if the hokey pokey really is what it's all about?
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: ckmk47 on June 24, 2015, 09:36:11 PM
Reminds me of a line from a rebbe I know.

The best part of Folgers in my cup is waking up.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: skyguy918 on June 24, 2015, 10:20:02 PM

Lol, thanks for the edit. Typing from my phone never works out quite as well as a proper keyboard.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: etech0 on June 24, 2015, 11:12:20 PM
When the inventor of USB dies they will put him in ground, take him back out, turn him over and put him back in.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Ydad on June 24, 2015, 11:59:06 PM
What if the hokey pokey really is what it's all about?
Alol!
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: good sam on June 25, 2015, 12:27:50 AM
What if the hokey pokey really is what it's all about?
(http://images.tapatalk-cdn.com/15/06/24/e991927ec7d040b36cbc00e995804156.jpg)
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: etech0 on June 25, 2015, 09:09:00 AM
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: ADG on July 07, 2015, 01:32:13 PM
Quote from: Freddie on Today at 01:30:10 PM
So the LTB are having a summit and the G are not invited? I guess we haven't come that far, have we?
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: JoeyShmoe on July 07, 2015, 02:37:43 PM
So the LTB are having a summit and the G are not invited? I guess we haven't come that far, have we?

FTFY
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: avremie on July 08, 2015, 10:54:36 PM
Quote from: Freddie on Today at 01:30:10 PM
So the LTB are having a summit and the G are not invited? I guess we haven't come that far, have we?
Well the Ts were left out of LGB so its only fair.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: SamKey on July 16, 2015, 10:31:46 AM
Photos from Pluto take 4.5 hours... Boy am I glad for one hour photos...
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Chaikel on July 16, 2015, 10:37:13 AM
"I cannot compete with incompetence"
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Achas Veachas on July 21, 2015, 08:47:15 AM
"'Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people' is a quote about people"

ETA: just to clarify, my quote was not about people, it was about quotes...
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: aygart on July 21, 2015, 09:00:08 AM
"'Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people' is a quote about people"
an idea about people....
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: a mirrer on July 21, 2015, 10:53:23 AM
I don't like being told to shut up in harsh words about my own experience on my own forum.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: yuneeq on August 02, 2015, 07:19:59 PM
I hear that they are adding vitamins to beer.
B-1. B-17, B-24.
.
.
Now you can get really bombed!
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: yuneeq on August 02, 2015, 07:31:17 PM
Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and asks “How do you drive this thing?”
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: yuneeq on August 02, 2015, 08:54:02 PM
Two antennae meet on a roof, fall in love get married.
The ceremony wasn’t much but the reception was fantastic.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: 12HRS on August 03, 2015, 02:54:06 PM
don't make me press 1 for english in my own country
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: maxie m on August 03, 2015, 11:22:01 PM
don't make me press 2 for english in my own country
ftfy
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: User6669 on August 04, 2015, 05:22:11 AM
ftfy
Funny, but sadly true.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Achas Veachas on August 12, 2015, 07:50:35 PM
If life gives you melons you may be dyslexic...
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: etech0 on August 26, 2015, 02:53:20 PM
Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy...
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Red on September 21, 2015, 07:27:35 AM
"I told my wife I'm flying to Uman for Rosh Hashsanah. She told me to daven for a good shidduch!"
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: SamKey on September 23, 2015, 06:15:15 PM
...
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: unavailable on September 24, 2015, 12:21:24 AM
The label on the puzzle box states 5-8 years, but I did it in 2 years, said the 17-year old.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: whYME on September 25, 2015, 01:41:59 AM
When you come late to shul the first thing that gets sacrificed is karbonos.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: YSP on September 25, 2015, 10:51:39 AM
When you come late to shul the first thing that gets Schechted is karbonos.

FTFY

Works both ways
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: CS1 on September 25, 2015, 11:48:23 AM
FTFY
Works both ways
When you come late to shul the first thing that gets shechted is karbonos.

works if you come on time, too
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: ushdadude on September 25, 2015, 01:49:43 PM
FTFY

Works both ways

actually sounds better in english.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: etech0 on October 07, 2015, 01:47:53 PM
sometimes people would rather be bothered by the question than be bothered by the answer
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Something Fishy on October 14, 2015, 12:34:15 AM
"The wise man does not play leapfrog with the unicorn."

This is the motto of a random French site I found called The Core of the Unicorn, which is apparently the name of a classic-car race ::) (I'm researching classic cars for my Cuba TR).
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: yakrot on October 14, 2015, 05:16:05 AM
You don't have to be too wise to know this
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: ushdadude on October 14, 2015, 10:31:31 AM
"The wise man does not play leapfrog with the unicorn."

This is the motto of a random French site I found called The Core of the Unicorn, which is apparently the name of a classic-car race ::) (I'm researching classic cars for my Cuba TR).

It's also from a Midas commercial
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: username on November 03, 2015, 02:52:24 PM
I thought I asked you a simple basic question.

Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Dan on November 17, 2015, 04:59:59 PM
Good news: It's a bye week for the Browns
Bad news: The bye week is favored by six
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: MosheD on November 17, 2015, 05:12:15 PM
Good news: It's a bye week for the Browns
Bad news: The bye week is favored by six
lol
truly pathetic
you might like this (http://www.stationcaster.com/player_skinned.php?s=70&c=17613&f=5031993)
skip to 8:05
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: shoobi on November 17, 2015, 10:41:45 PM

Good news: It's a bye week for the Browns
Bad news: The bye week is favored by six

Here's another one:
There are three teams that are unbeaten  in NFL and they're all named after three Big catz from the jungle, the Bengals from Cincinnati the Panthers from Carolina and the Cheetas from new England
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: a mirrer on November 18, 2015, 03:17:05 AM
Putin: 'To Forgive The Terrorists Is Up To God, But To Send Them To Him Is Up To Me'
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: grodnoking on November 18, 2015, 08:57:20 AM
Putin: 'To Forgive The Terrorists Is Up To God, But To Send Them To Him Is Up To Me'
Stolen from the marines

"It's God's job to judge the terrorists,
It's our job to arrange the meeting"
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Dr Moose on November 18, 2015, 08:59:55 AM
Stolen from the marines

"It's God's job to judge the terrorists,
It's our job to arrange the meeting"
,
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: elya on December 05, 2015, 06:28:43 PM
My grandfather used to say when checking out,
 "All my holdings are tied up in cash"
Went right over their heads...
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: justaregularguy on December 05, 2015, 10:11:35 PM
the point of prayer is not to get you out of trouble, the point of trouble is to get you into prayer.
-R' Hutner
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: etech0 on December 16, 2015, 01:23:24 PM
(http://i.imgur.com/eXNpHct.png)
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: snapit on December 17, 2015, 09:20:00 AM
"You know you don't get a medal for wearing pants"
-my boss
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: yos9694 on December 17, 2015, 01:25:50 PM
"You know you don't get a medal for wearing pants"
-my boss

Didn't Gloria Steinem just get one from Obama for precisely that?  ;D
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: semper fi on December 17, 2015, 07:33:30 PM
“Never take a person’s dignity: it is worth everything to them, and nothing to you.” ~ Frank Barron
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: TimT on December 25, 2015, 03:28:09 PM
"If they're crazy enough to pay it we're smart enough to charge it"
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: CS1 on December 30, 2015, 03:58:33 PM
nice line from today:

Le Meridian is booked the week that i am going. Is the area near the Chabad the best area to plant myself?
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: SamKey on December 30, 2015, 05:07:03 PM
Anyone ever wonder how hospitals are from the most technologically advanced institutions and all machines make the same sounds as those Pac man machine...
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Super Speed on December 30, 2015, 08:44:09 PM
Anyone ever wonder how hospitals are from the most technologically advanced institutions and all machines make the same sounds as those Pac man machine...
ALOL
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Aaaron on December 30, 2015, 09:23:31 PM
Tznius warning:

http://9gag.com/gag/aGRvDDn
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: grodnoking on December 31, 2015, 01:30:50 PM
A different thread reminded me if this one

The only guarantee in life is death.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: SamKey on January 01, 2016, 01:04:42 AM
Some people have שיטות and others are full of it
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: B.D.Da'ehu on January 01, 2016, 01:18:03 AM
The only guarantee in life is death.
"The only thing you have to do in life is die" :P
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: David Smith on January 01, 2016, 01:42:00 AM
"The only thing you have to do in life is die"
Get busy living, or get busy dying. (Meh.)
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: semper fi on January 01, 2016, 07:31:46 AM
"We gotta  cover ground before ground covers us"
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: yuneeq on January 01, 2016, 08:21:05 AM
Live forever or die trying.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: koplonko on January 01, 2016, 04:00:36 PM
Some people have שיטות and others are full of it
"שיטה מלשון שטות"
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: blerbz on February 04, 2016, 10:29:22 AM
I put some Spot Remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: YitzyS on February 04, 2016, 10:45:22 AM
I heard the Putin line many years ago in the name of one of the famous American generals during WWII. "Only G-d could punish the Nazis. My job is just to arrange the meeting." Another good line from one of those generals is "I'm not looking for soldiers who will give their life for their country. I'm looking for soldiers who will cause the enemy to give THEIR lives for their country."
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: stbaum on February 04, 2016, 10:59:10 AM
only 2 days in your life aren't 24 hours long
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: whYME on February 04, 2016, 11:00:02 AM
only 2 days in your life aren't 24 hours long
-1

-unless you never cross a time zone.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: stbaum on February 04, 2016, 11:00:43 AM
-1

explain
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: whYME on February 04, 2016, 11:02:01 AM
explain
Just did in my edit

when you cross time zones you add/lose hours.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: PlatinumGuy on February 04, 2016, 11:13:37 AM
I heard the Putin line many years ago in the name of one of the famous American generals during WWII. "Only G-d could punish the Nazis. My job is just to arrange the meeting." Another good line from one of those generals is "I'm not looking for soldiers who will give their life for their country. I'm looking for soldiers who will cause the enemy to give THEIR lives for their country."
The same general

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/George_S._Patton
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: mb1 on February 04, 2016, 11:39:13 AM
only 2 days in your life aren't 24 hours long
-1

-unless you never cross a time zone.
-2
And twice a year when you move the clock.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: JoeyShmoe on February 04, 2016, 11:54:02 AM
And twice a year when you move the clock.
I thought that was what the original 2 days are
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: whYME on February 04, 2016, 11:56:08 AM
-2
And twice a year when you move the clock.
Unless you live in an area without DST...
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: username on February 04, 2016, 12:09:48 PM
I thought that was what the original 2 days are
No, its the first and last day of one's life.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: JoeyShmoe on February 04, 2016, 12:11:59 PM
No, its the first and last day of one's life.
Oh, I read it as only 2 days a year.

But that isn't necessarily true either, if a person is born or dies at 12:00:00am
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: skyguy918 on February 04, 2016, 12:29:45 PM
only 2 days in your life aren't 24 hours long
-1

-unless you never cross a time zone.
-2
And twice a year when you move the clock.
No, its the first and last day of one's life.
I would argue that the statement is not accurate for birth/death or for the timezone example (the DST example is actually pretty good still). The only type of day that is 'always' 24 hours long is the civil/calendar day (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Day#Civil_day). The solar day is almost never exactly 24 hours anyway (watch this (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nZMMuv0Ltyo) for a tidy explanation). So you have to be talking about what we decided is a civil day, which is by its definition a 24 hour period, from midnight to midnight. an individual being born or dying in the middle of the day doesn't change the length of the day. The same is true for timezones and the dateline - the length of the day is the same in any particular place, you're just moving around. In both these examples, the person is 'experiencing' more or less of the defined day. Whereas with DST, the civil definition of that day is 23 or 25 hours.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: username on February 04, 2016, 12:32:30 PM
I got it!

Purim and Erev Pesach.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: stbaum on February 04, 2016, 12:36:51 PM
it was just a cool line i saw on tumblr! sheesh so much dissecting...
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: username on February 04, 2016, 12:37:41 PM
it was just a cool line i saw on tumblr! sheesh so much dissecting...
Welcome to the forums!
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: stbaum on February 04, 2016, 12:38:18 PM
Welcome to the forums!

 ;)
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: blerbz on February 04, 2016, 05:47:47 PM
I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: etech0 on February 04, 2016, 06:11:49 PM
I work for the Department of Redundancies Department
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: blerbz on February 08, 2016, 10:23:20 PM
Whenever I see a new autobiography in the bookstore I try to save time and just flip to the "About the Author"  section
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: joe1234 on February 08, 2016, 10:27:18 PM
I work for the Department of Redundancies Department
Me too, that's why I'm makpid on the last letzta mayim achronim vasser water
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: etech0 on February 08, 2016, 10:41:16 PM
Me too, that's why I'm makpid on the last letzta mayim achronim vasser water
:)
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Shauly101 on February 15, 2016, 02:30:50 PM
Dont judge others because they sin differently than you...


inside everyone you know is someone you don't!
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: etech0 on February 15, 2016, 02:52:13 PM
Dont judge others because they sin differently than you...


inside everyone you know is someone you don't!
Don't compare your strengths to other people's weaknesses
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: GAM Z. on February 15, 2016, 08:56:22 PM
Stop global warming, eat meat
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: shlonx on February 17, 2016, 02:00:49 PM
Me too, that's why I'm makpid on the last letzta mayim achronim vasser water

Der heiliger Ohr Hachaim Hakodosh....

A git Yom Tov....
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: CS91 on February 17, 2016, 02:02:03 PM
"You're as useless as Anne Frank's drum set."

I know, a little dark. And I kind of felt bad for laughing when I heard it.  :-\
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Freddie on February 17, 2016, 02:04:53 PM
it was just a cool line i saw on tumblr! sheesh so much dissecting...

I wanted to remember yesterday on 7 Adar to comment on this but I forgot. Maybe on Adar sheini.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: hachover on March 28, 2016, 05:12:03 PM
Is there a thread for great quotes? This is something worth sharing, but not a knaitchy one-liner of the joking sort.

Quote
If you see what needs to be repaired and how to repair it, then you have found a piece of the world that Gd has left for you to complete. But if you only see what is wrong and what is ugly in the world, then it is you yourself that needs repair.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: ExGingi on March 28, 2016, 05:48:17 PM
Marriage is a workshop - I work, she shops!
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: stbaum on March 30, 2016, 02:10:10 PM
Marriage is a workshop - I work, she shops!

marriage is a give and take. i give, he takes
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Work-for-ur-muny on March 30, 2016, 05:03:01 PM
marriage is a give and take. i give, she takes
FTFY
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: stbaum on March 30, 2016, 05:03:54 PM
FTFY

that wasn't a mistake  :P
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Work-for-ur-muny on March 30, 2016, 05:04:54 PM
that wasn't a mistake  :P
An error nevertheless.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Baruch on March 30, 2016, 06:24:01 PM
An error nevertheless.
That is a best one-liner in and of itself!
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: cf on April 21, 2016, 09:27:27 PM
"You don't have to show up to every argument you're invited to."
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: nafnaf12 on April 21, 2016, 09:29:19 PM
 (In life)You're either at the table or on the menu.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: benjie1305 on April 24, 2016, 02:13:34 AM


"If you haven't gotten a haircut in the mikvah, you haven't lived"
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Emkay on April 24, 2016, 06:43:18 AM

"If you haven't gotten a haircut in the mikvah, you haven't lived"
Queer thing to say. Whatever.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: benjie1305 on April 24, 2016, 07:09:12 AM

Queer thing to say. Whatever.

True.

Reminds me of people that think it is normal to buy chulent in a Mikva.

Or that serve chocolate cake without syrup.

..You get the point.. Queer!
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: David Smith on April 24, 2016, 01:44:37 PM
True.

Reminds me of people that think it is normal to buy chulent in a Mikva.

Or that serve chocolate cake without syrup.

..You get the point.. Queer!
You only did one day Y'T?
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Emkay on April 24, 2016, 01:47:12 PM
You only did one day Y'T?
No. He's not Jewish.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: ExGingi on April 25, 2016, 12:14:41 AM

"If you haven't gotten a haircut in the mikvah, you haven't lived"

Last I've seen that done was the good old Skverer mikvah on Kingston Avenue in Crown Heights. Can't imagine that happening in the current incarnation as Mikvah Mayer 😄
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: aygart on May 05, 2016, 10:56:13 AM
James Taranto ‏@jamestaranto 11h11 hours ago

James Taranto Retweeted Kelly Jane Torrance

What's really sad is they spend their lives composing, then die and start decomposing.

James Taranto added,
Kelly Jane Torrance @KJTorrance
Whenever I start to feel sorry for myself, I (try to) remember the lives of (so many of) the composers.
1 retweet 4 likes
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: etech0 on May 12, 2016, 12:43:18 PM
"I can explain it for you, but I can't understand it for you."
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: good sam on May 12, 2016, 05:11:03 PM
"I can explain it forto you, but I can't understand it for you."
FTFY. Sounds like a lot of people I work with.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: yakov116 on May 13, 2016, 08:36:58 AM
FTFY. Sounds like a lot of people I work with.
Explain?
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: CS1 on May 13, 2016, 10:45:21 AM
Quote from a single girl at Google in CA in regard to large numbers of smart & single men:

"The odds are good, but the goods are odd".
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Achas Veachas on May 13, 2016, 04:15:53 PM
Quote from a single girl at Google in CA in regard to large numbers of smart & single men:

"The odds are good, but the goods are odd".
Posted by a Google employee:

Why does Google provide free meals for its employees?
Can you imagine what would happen if not? All those nerds with lunch money would attract every bully within a radius of 50 miles....
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: nafnaf12 on May 13, 2016, 04:16:34 PM
 A dog at a cat fight can suddenly find he's become dinner at a lions den
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Super Speed on May 13, 2016, 05:38:40 PM
Dentist asks me when was the last time you flossed to which I respond don't you remember, you were there...
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Super Speed on May 13, 2016, 05:39:15 PM
I didn't know my friend had acid reflux until it came up in conversation.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Zevi16 on May 14, 2016, 06:29:56 PM
I didn't know my friend had acid reflux until it came up in conversation.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: username on May 14, 2016, 11:57:25 PM
Dentist asks me when was the last time you flossed to which I respond don't you remember, you were there...
Only floss the teeth you want to keep.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: wayfe on May 15, 2016, 09:27:48 AM
Only floss the teeth you want to keep.

Ignore your teeth long enough and they'll go away
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: ExGingi on May 15, 2016, 12:37:59 PM
The two great US political parties have conspired to give us a choice of Crazy Man vs. Criminal.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: etech0 on May 16, 2016, 03:15:30 PM
This guys wife treats him like G-D...every meal is a burnt offering.⁠⁠⁠⁠
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Sholom123 on May 17, 2016, 09:08:37 AM
A couple got divorced for religious reasons he thought he was g-d and she didn't worship him.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: username on May 17, 2016, 10:24:40 AM
The two great US political parties have conspired to give us a choice of Crazy Man vs. Criminal.
Thanks for the hint. Now I know which one is which.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: etech0 on May 19, 2016, 05:47:54 PM
 I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago, and so far all it's been doing is gathering dust.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: YSP on May 20, 2016, 10:07:28 AM
I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago, and so far all it's been doing is gathering dust.

Mine just sucks...
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: good sam on May 20, 2016, 10:16:18 AM
Mine just sucks...
Wayne's World?
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: YSP on May 20, 2016, 10:22:35 AM
Wayne's World?

Never watched it
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: wayfe on May 20, 2016, 11:08:16 AM
“The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man.” – George Bernard Shaw
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: chaimmayer on May 20, 2016, 11:53:52 AM
The day Microsoft makes something that doesn't suck is probably the day they start making vacuum cleaners.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: grodnoking on May 20, 2016, 11:56:59 AM
“The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man.” – George Bernard Shaw
Deep
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: User6669 on May 25, 2016, 08:25:51 AM
I haven't spoken to my wife for 2 weeks - I don't like to interrupt her.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: David Smith on June 19, 2016, 04:45:38 PM
Quote
Its like playing chess against a pigeon; sooner or later its going to knock the pieces over, crap on the board and strut around like it won.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Josef.koney on June 19, 2016, 07:45:11 PM
When one talks he only hears what is already know to him, but when listening he might hear a thing or 2 new.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Josef.koney on June 19, 2016, 07:45:30 PM
Forgot the exact language but that's the idea
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: nafnaf12 on June 20, 2016, 05:33:36 PM
Art is not what you see, its what you make others see
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: ExGingi on June 23, 2016, 02:09:52 PM
Heard this morning in shul one of the beggars going around saying: גדול המקבל צדקה יותר מן הנותן
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: David Smith on June 23, 2016, 02:17:17 PM
Heard this morning in shul one of the beggars going around saying: גדול המקבל צדקה יותר מן הנותן
I hope you asked him for some money. 
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Work-for-ur-muny on June 23, 2016, 02:18:07 PM
Heard this morning in shul one of the beggars going around saying: גדול המקבל צדקה יותר מן הנותן
BIL told me he heard someone in Lakewood collecting for an עני מהודר
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: ExGingi on June 23, 2016, 06:27:17 PM
I hope you asked him for some money. 
He said המקבל not המבקש!
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: hachover on June 23, 2016, 08:13:59 PM
BIL told me he heard someone in Lakewood collecting for an עני מהודר

Isn't he worried about collecting too much for him and ruining his  מהודר status?
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: ExGingi on June 23, 2016, 09:52:11 PM
Isn't he worried about collecting too much for him and ruining his  מהודר status?

Collector might be super פרו״ם and makes sure the עני מהודר stays that way...
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: CS1 on August 03, 2016, 03:28:18 PM
in reference to a restaurant: "It was heaven".
We have different impressions of the afterlife I guess. What did you get?
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: B.D.Da'ehu on August 04, 2016, 06:40:01 AM
Do you even understand what I posted, goy?

Mesh responding to CV on the topic of chassidims wives shaving they're heads...
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: ben89 on August 04, 2016, 09:01:20 AM
I have a busy life, there are other vacations taking up my time .
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: jj1000 on August 04, 2016, 10:55:23 AM
I hope you asked him for some money. 
When a collector comes over in shul with a hand full of cash and says "Tzadaka?" doesn't everyone respond "No thanks."
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: AnonymousUser on August 04, 2016, 12:54:45 PM
When a collector comes over in shul with a hand full of cash and says "Tzadaka?" doesn't everyone respond "No thanks."
I would love to use a similar line when the gabbai come to ask if I want to daven for the amud. "No, it's ok, you can do it."
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: JoeyShmoe on August 04, 2016, 05:15:18 PM
I would love to use a similar line when the gabbai come to ask if I want to daven for the amud. "No, it's ok, you can do it."
As a Gabbai who's having a very hard time finding a Ba'al Tefilla, and Davens pretty much all Tefillos (Shabbos and Weekday) for the Amud, I sincerely thank you for not actually saying it, it's one of the most annoying responses (tied with "Ahem, I can't, my voice isn't the greatest")
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: etech0 on September 25, 2016, 07:56:50 PM
Always proofread carefully to make sure you didn't anything out.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Aaaron on September 25, 2016, 08:50:11 PM
I don't care what people say about you, you're alright.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: aygart on September 25, 2016, 08:59:00 PM
I don't care what people say about you, you're alright.
likable enough....
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Something Fishy on December 06, 2016, 09:38:51 PM
Just saw a Sriracha ad.

"There are those who love Sriracha and those who haven't tried it yet."
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: good sam on December 06, 2016, 09:46:06 PM
Just saw a Sriracha ad.

"There are those who love Sriracha and those who haven't tried it yet."
There's definitely a third category.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: YitzyS on December 07, 2016, 04:15:57 PM
You know you're a geek if you understand this one liner: "There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary and those who don't."
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: lubaby on December 07, 2016, 04:22:49 PM
You know you're a geek if you understand this one liner: "There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary and those who don't."
+10
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: ExGingi on December 07, 2016, 05:08:57 PM
+10
You must have meant +01  ;)
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: yuneeq on December 07, 2016, 05:18:04 PM
You must have meant +01  ;)

+01
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: skyguy918 on December 07, 2016, 05:23:01 PM
+1 works just fine in binary too.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: shulem92 on December 07, 2016, 05:24:40 PM
You know you're a geek if you understand this one liner: "There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary and those who don't."
If you know binary ur a geek?
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: JTZ on December 07, 2016, 05:37:53 PM
You must have meant +01  ;)
-2
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: davidmal on December 07, 2016, 07:37:36 PM
Just saw a Sriracha ad.

"There are those who love Sriracha and those who haven't tried it yet."
There's definitely a third category.
Those too weak to handle it.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Emkay on December 08, 2016, 03:08:51 AM
Those too weak to handle it.
Too weak to handle a bland blend of spice?
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: davidmal on December 08, 2016, 09:51:51 AM
Too weak to handle a bland blend of spice?

for the faint of heart
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: yuneeq on December 08, 2016, 09:56:34 AM
Those too weak to handle it.

I find the famous Huy Fong sri racha to be

1) not that spicy
2) not that good

But I appreciate that they made hot sauce popular, because there are tons of great sri rachas and hot sauces nowadays.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: CS1 on December 08, 2016, 10:01:35 AM
I find the famous Huy Fong sri racha to be

1) not that spicy
2) not that good

But I appreciate that they made hot sauce popular, because there are tons of great sri rachas and hot sauces nowadays.

what about the "green dragon" from Trader Joe's? Have you tasted it? Does it compare; is it better?
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: yuneeq on December 08, 2016, 10:02:54 AM
what about the "green dragon" from Trader Joe's? Have you tasted it? Does it compare; is it better?

I love it. It's a very different flavor but its great.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Freddie on December 08, 2016, 10:32:57 AM
Maybe @TimT can help me find the post where I described being traumatized by sriracha sauce at a kosher restaurant where I ordered extra spicy orange chicken and they just gave me a scoop of the regular orange chicken and squirted sriracha on top.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Emkay on December 08, 2016, 10:38:30 AM
Maybe @TimT can help me find the post where I described being traumatized by sriracha sauce at a kosher restaurant where I ordered extra spicy orange chicken and they just gave me a scoop of the regular orange chicken and squirted sriracha on top.
http://forums.dansdeals.com/index.php?topic=66067.msg1554371#msg1554371
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: davidmal on December 08, 2016, 10:47:53 AM
Maybe @TimT can help me find the post where I described being traumatized by sriracha sauce at a kosher restaurant where I ordered extra spicy orange chicken and they just gave me a scoop of the regular orange chicken and squirted sriracha on top.
ew
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Freddie on December 08, 2016, 11:33:58 AM
ew

It still makes my stomach churn.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: davidmal on December 08, 2016, 11:39:21 AM
It still makes my stomach churn.
The only worse than that
is where you go to a pizza store and ask for a.... mushroom or olive or vegetable slice
and they simply take a cold slice add some canned mushrooms on top throw some extra cheese on top and reheat it.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Freddie on December 08, 2016, 11:45:32 AM
The only worse than that
is where you go to a pizza store and ask for a.... mushroom or olive or vegetable slice
and they simply take a cold slice add some canned mushrooms on top throw some extra cheese on top and reheat it.

the pain, the pain
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Work-for-ur-muny on December 08, 2016, 05:09:03 PM
6 more posts on the topic of hot sauce and then anyone has the right to ask "can we rename this thread to the Sriracha masterthread?"...
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: davidmal on December 08, 2016, 05:13:03 PM
6 more posts on the topic of hot sauce and then anyone has the right to ask "can we rename this thread to the Sriracha masterthread?"...
but its not a real quote you just made that up?
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Work-for-ur-muny on December 08, 2016, 05:14:48 PM
but its not a real quote you just made that up?
Every time a thread goes off topic for about two pages there's that guy who says "I think this thread should be renamed..."
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: lubaby on December 08, 2016, 05:18:34 PM
Every time a thread goes off topic for about two pages there's that guy who says "I think this thread should be renamed..."
This belongs in the Pet Peeve thread.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Work-for-ur-muny on December 08, 2016, 05:20:04 PM
This belongs in the Pet Peeve thread.
FTFY

It doesn't bother me. I've learned that that's standard here on the forums. It's already beginning to tickle me when it doesn't happen...  :D
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: MeirS on December 13, 2016, 10:51:33 AM
Heard this morning in shul one of the beggars going around saying: גדול המקבל צדקה יותר מן הנותן
עומר?
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: YitzyS on December 21, 2016, 08:08:23 AM
Nothing ruins your Friday more than realizing it's only Tuesday
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: TimT on December 21, 2016, 08:19:47 AM
Nothing ruins your Friday more than realizing it's only Tuesday
Not here on DDF :)
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Work-for-ur-muny on December 21, 2016, 01:14:13 PM
Nothing ruins your Friday more than realizing it's only Tuesday
Ummmmm... It's Wednesday...  :o
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: YitzyS on December 21, 2016, 04:39:41 PM
I wonder how long it will take until someone starts the "How to master threading a thread master thread"
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Work-for-ur-muny on December 21, 2016, 04:42:59 PM
I wonder how long it will take until someone starts the "How to master threading a thread master thread"
One second... We'll need a master-head to master the masterthread's master's thread title...
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: TimT on December 21, 2016, 04:47:57 PM
I wonder how long it will take until someone starts the "How to master threading a thread master thread"
http://forums.dansdeals.com/index.php?topic=24412.0
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: davidmal on December 21, 2016, 05:44:50 PM
http://forums.dansdeals.com/index.php?topic=24412.0
HOW DO YOU REMEMBER A Dormant THREAD FROM 4 years ago!!!
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: lubaby on December 21, 2016, 06:54:07 PM
HOW DO YOU REMEMBER A Dormant THREAD FROM 4 years ago!!!
He doesn't. It's 11+ months older then him..
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: TimT on December 21, 2016, 07:20:36 PM
HOW DO YOU REMEMBER A Dormant THREAD FROM 4 years ago!!!
A master NEVER reveals his secrets. SOOO here goes :)
http://forums.dansdeals.com/index.php?action=search
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: emjee on December 21, 2016, 08:29:05 PM
One second... We'll need a master-head to master the masterthread's master's thread title...
Don't forget about a wiki
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: davidmal on December 22, 2016, 10:03:54 AM
Don't forget about a wiki
I think Tim already acknowledged he's the master for the job.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Dan on March 14, 2017, 01:43:34 AM
Conspiracy theories are a lot like moon landings. They're all fake!

via r/jokes
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: MrKaplan on March 14, 2017, 04:04:41 PM
The length of a minute depends on which side of the bathroom door your on.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: regular on March 14, 2017, 05:02:10 PM
The length of a minute depends on which side of the bathroom door your on.
Great!
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: David Smith on March 14, 2017, 05:23:51 PM
You're
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: davidmal on March 14, 2017, 05:25:44 PM
The length of a minute depends on which side of the bathroom door your on.
I love how you nominated yourself

Well done

And I approve of this message.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Yehuda57 on March 17, 2017, 01:36:14 PM
Thanks. Yeh the 65k was cc. Except my wife Durant gave her own dog just a shared card
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: mmgfarb on March 17, 2017, 01:38:39 PM

A horrible case of swype + autocorrect gone wrong I'm guessing
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Yehuda57 on March 17, 2017, 01:39:39 PM
A horrible case of swype + autocorrect gone wrong I'm guessing
You mean wonderful case gone right?
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: mmgfarb on March 17, 2017, 01:40:37 PM
You mean wonderful case gone right?
Depends how you look at it
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: chinagel on March 20, 2017, 02:15:02 PM
just because you can afford a yacht doesnt mean you're invited to the yacht club
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Myccrabbi on March 20, 2017, 03:12:45 PM
just because you can afford a yacht doesnt mean you're invited to the yacht club
Reminds me of...

Just because you can't afford me dosn't mean I'm a whore
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: georgew on March 20, 2017, 04:41:36 PM
The length of a minute depends on which side of the bathroom door your on.
I dont know whats longer. A microwave minute or a treadmill minute.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: aygart on March 20, 2017, 04:45:11 PM
I dont know whats longer. A microwave minute or a treadmill minute.
Definitely the treadmill except that a watched pot doesn't boil even in the microwave.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: yakov116 on March 26, 2017, 02:20:09 PM
If any kids are in boosters, they usually fit overhead.
The overhead compartments can hold a squirming 2 year old? I'll keep that in mind.
sure. It keeps them from squirming too much
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: etech0 on May 10, 2017, 01:15:41 PM
We need a 12-step group for compulsive talkers. They could call it On Anon Anon.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: MrKaplan on July 24, 2017, 01:05:56 PM
Time wounds all heels
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: ExGingi on July 24, 2017, 01:15:27 PM
Time wounds all heels
+2
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Work-for-ur-muny on July 24, 2017, 10:10:58 PM
Time wounds all heels
Bad news isn't wine; it doesn't improve with age.

--Colin Powell
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: MrKaplan on August 24, 2017, 11:54:00 PM
Atheism is a non-prophet organization
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: rs242 on August 25, 2017, 12:52:42 AM
There's no crying in baseball
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Yehuda57 on August 25, 2017, 10:56:07 AM
There's no crying in baseball
(http://cdn2.sbnation.com/imported_assets/1897255/819532394_medium.gif)

(https://media.giphy.com/media/QiHmzd76mNpOE/giphy.gif)

(https://media.giphy.com/media/MUY8nDTY7YiTm/giphy.gif)

(https://media.giphy.com/media/XBxWMlA1YuaI/giphy.gif)

(https://media.giphy.com/media/l2YSFBeleLcCerc08/giphy.gif)
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: rs242 on August 25, 2017, 10:57:52 AM
(http://cdn2.sbnation.com/imported_assets/1897255/819532394_medium.gif)

(https://media.giphy.com/media/QiHmzd76mNpOE/giphy.gif)

(https://media.giphy.com/media/MUY8nDTY7YiTm/giphy.gif)

(https://media.giphy.com/media/XBxWMlA1YuaI/giphy.gif)

(https://media.giphy.com/media/l2YSFBeleLcCerc08/giphy.gif)
Tom hanks in "a league of there own"
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Yehuda57 on August 25, 2017, 11:08:54 AM
Tom hanks in "a league of there own"
hmmm, I posted way more than 3 gifs.

Of course, that is the first images that shows up when you search (though I've never watched it, so I have no idea what it is), but I was going for images from actual MLB games.

To me, it's just a silly, meaningless saying. Definitely not a "best" one liner, or even a half decent one.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: rs242 on August 25, 2017, 11:12:32 AM
hmmm, I posted way more than 3 gifs.

Of course, that is the first images that shows up when you search (though I've never watched it, so I have no idea what it is), but I was going for images from actual MLB games.

To me, it's just a silly, meaningless saying. Definitely not a "best" one liner, or even a half decent one.
Well your never watched the movie. Also all your images are happy tears. The saying is talking about crying like a girl, to who he was talking to.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Yehuda57 on August 25, 2017, 11:24:52 AM
Well your never watched the movie. Also all your images are happy tears. The saying is talking about crying like a girl, to who he was talking to.

For some reason, not all my gifs show, there are plenty of sad crying gifs available. GIYF.

Maybe the line makes sense in the movie. Used for baseball in general, it's stupid.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: ChaimMoskowitz on August 25, 2017, 12:10:16 PM
Maybe the line makes sense in the movie. Used for baseball in general, it's stupid.
You ever hear the saying "you throw like a girl"? Is that stupid?
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Yehuda57 on August 25, 2017, 12:11:37 PM
You ever hear the saying "you throw like a girl"? Is that stupid?

I've had that saying directed many a time, so I might be biased in my response. :)
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: AnonymousUser on August 25, 2017, 04:09:01 PM
You ever hear the saying "you throw like a girl"? Is that stupid?
Wasn't there a Mythbusters about that?
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: aygart on August 28, 2017, 11:29:55 AM
Amateurs practice until they get it right; professionals practice until they can’t get it wrong.
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: TimT on July 08, 2018, 09:27:48 PM
United Gold member= how many gold teeth you’ve earned flying United
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: Dan on September 27, 2018, 08:45:38 PM
(https://i.gyazo.com/d381aab8ceca46178bac78935945dcac.png)
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: chinagel on December 31, 2018, 10:27:24 PM
https://www.dansdeals.com/airfare-deals/international-flights/hot-cathay-pacific-fly-first-class-vietnam-us-845-round-trip/#comment-1393016
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: stooges44 on August 06, 2019, 11:38:36 AM
https://www.dansdeals.com/more/dans-commentary/personal-messages/goodbye-jonelle-maui-photographer-thanks-memories-rip/#comment-1420522
Title: Re: Best one-liners
Post by: YitzyS on June 21, 2020, 09:33:10 PM
"Kings and kingdoms were as think in Britain as they had been in little Palestine in Joshua's time, when people had to sleep with their knees pulled up because they couldn't stretch out without a passport" -Mark Twain