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DansDeals Forum => Just Shmooze => Topic started by: jj1000 on July 16, 2008, 02:26:30 AM

Title: Jokes Master Thread
Post by: jj1000 on July 16, 2008, 02:26:30 AM
Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup? Not every one can mash potatoes.

 
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: whYME on July 17, 2008, 08:50:02 PM
This was already posted in a different thread, but i think it belongs here a lot more so I'll take the liberty of re-posting it.

Quote
While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old Texas rancher whose hand was caught in a gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Obama and his bid to be our President.

The old rancher said, 'Well, ya know, Obama is a post turtle.'

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post turtle' was.

The old rancher said, 'When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle.'

The old rancher saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain. 'You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he is up there, and you just wonder what kind of dumb asses put him up there to begin with.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: whYME on July 20, 2008, 01:10:44 AM
The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the US auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black box voice recorders in four-wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in 44 of the 50 states the recorded last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, s**t!" Only the states of Oklahoma, Tennessee, Arkansas, Alabama and Texas were different. There, 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer and watch this."
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Dan on July 21, 2008, 01:00:31 AM
They were surprised to find in 44 of the 50 states the recorded last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, s**t!" Only the states of Oklahoma, Tennessee, Arkansas, Alabama and Texas were different. There, 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer and watch this."
78.3% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: whYME on July 21, 2008, 11:38:12 PM
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful ... CAREFUL! Put
in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO
MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE
are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful ...
CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking!
Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?
Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use
the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What the heck is wrong with you? You think I
don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I
wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving with you in the
car.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea s
Post by: jj1000 on July 22, 2008, 12:20:13 AM
78.3% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

What are you talking about Dan its 67.25%.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: corny on July 22, 2008, 11:46:35 PM
this guy has a friend from europe over for a visit, and he says to his friend you gatta watch a game of american football before you go home, so they go to a game and his friend sits through the game with this blank look on his face and at the end of the game the american asks so what do you think of american football? his friend looks at him and says you americans are nuts! the american asks why whats wrong? his friend tells him..... well what i saw was like 15 grown men all padded up face each other then one man takes out a quarter and throws it in the air and then for the next three hours  you have 15 grown men beating the crap out of each other yelling GET THE QUARTER-BACK! GET THE QUARTER-BACK!
like for g-ds sake will somebody tell them its only 25 cents!
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Charles The Govenor on August 24, 2008, 07:55:47 PM
U.S airways is a good airline.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Dan on August 24, 2008, 11:54:51 PM
U.S airways is a good airline.
;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Charles The Govenor on August 25, 2008, 01:40:52 AM
At least someone appreciated it.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Moishe on October 28, 2008, 09:39:17 PM
American public came to president bush:
ppl: Mr. President, what should we do the banks are closing?
bush: what da you mean?
ppl: the banks are closing we can't get our money out of the banks!
bush: i don't know, use the ATM...
 :)
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Mikeoracle on October 28, 2008, 10:43:42 PM
What is the difference between a wall street guy and a pigeon?...... A pigeon can still drop a deposit on a BMW.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Moishe on October 29, 2008, 01:52:55 AM
this reminds me from:
money is not everything... but it feels better to cry in a BMW than on a bike....
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: corny on October 31, 2008, 12:46:13 PM
this guy asks his friends 8 year old doughter what she wants to do when she grows up? so she says i want to be president of the united states, since her 2 liberal democrat parents were standing right there watching he asks "and what are you going to do as president?" ''im going to buy homes for all the homeless people'' so he says you dont need to be president to help out, you can come to my house and mow the lawn and ill give you 50 bucks and you can go to the supermarket and give the 50 bucks to the homeless guy sitting outside. so she thinks for a minute and asks "why doesent the homeless guy just mow your lawn himself and get the 50 bucks?" so he extends his hand and says "welcome to the republican party!"
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Charles The Govenor on October 31, 2008, 01:43:50 PM
Nice!!!!
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Charles The Govenor on November 03, 2008, 08:45:55 PM
All movable objects in the white house are being bolted down. 
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on September 27, 2009, 07:08:02 AM
US Airways is a good Airline

;D ;D ;D

I travelled first class with them, at least that's what it read on the boarding pass....
I had to verify, cuz it seemed more like cargo....
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on September 27, 2009, 07:14:33 AM
2 retards are having a conversation at night:

Retard 1: Turns on a flashlight, and holding it in the upward direction.

Retard 2 says: Nice

Retard 1 asks: Can you climb on the light beam?

Retard 2: Sure thing.

Retard 1: Well, show me !

Retard 2: Why should I? So that you will turn it off once Im' halfway..??!!
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on September 27, 2009, 07:19:57 AM
For people who don't know, Ryanair is the lowest low cost charter available on this planet so far.

they wanted to add fees for people using wheelchairs (the latter is not a joke, it's just you should get picture), but after lots of protest they abandoned the idea.

Here below you can see the emergency card aboard (needless to say its a joke, as the real ones are stuck to the seat in front).


(http://i163.photobucket.com/albums/t301/KayaKoyuWalker/Forum%20Images/RYANAIR.jpg)
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on September 27, 2009, 09:51:09 AM
Delta pilot turned engine on a little too early...

(http://www.upgradebuddy.com/images/funny-airline-pic4.jpg)



I'd love to fly with those guys, which mileage card should I present?

(http://www.upgradebuddy.com/images/funny-airline-pic16.jpg)



Cabin crew, landing in 2 minutes, BTW, the kid almost made it...

(http://www.upgradebuddy.com/images/funny-airline-pic19.jpg)




I somehow think the driver won't get a raise for some time...

(http://www.upgradebuddy.com/images/funny-airline-pic23.jpg)



No Comment

(http://www.upgradebuddy.com/images/funny-airline-pic28.jpg)




Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Yaalili on October 08, 2009, 05:03:57 PM
DUMB BLONDIE JOKE

A man turns on the radio at work, and hears that there is a vehicle driving the wrong way on the highway, nervous for his wife who is a first time driver, he calls her up.
"Honey, be very careful there is someone driving the wrong way"
"What" she replies "there are all driving the wrong way..."

Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Mikeoracle on October 08, 2009, 08:11:38 PM
A man asks his wife "What would you do if I won the Lotto?"
She says, "I'd take my half and leave you!"
"Excellent! I won 12 bucks, here's 6 now get the $@#% outa here...."
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on October 12, 2009, 06:33:15 AM
Blonds:

Did you hear about the near tragedy when a blond got stuck for hours on the escalator?


They found 2 blonde girls frozen to death in their car at the drive-in movie theatre. They went to see "Closed For The Winter".

Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on January 06, 2010, 10:46:05 AM
I just found a brilliant way to get people to buy new PC screens;

(hint: my signature...)


-------------------------------------------

Did you hear about the guy that dreamed that he ate worlds biggest marshmallow ?

The guy woke up, and just couldn't find his pillow....


--------------------------------------------
More Headroom



--------------------------------------------

Rapping Flight Attendant



Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: MOSES on January 06, 2010, 01:20:45 PM
This is a good one

"Mezuzah!"

Opening his front door, the Rabbi found himself
face to face with the local priest. "Rabbi, may I
have a few words with you?" asked the priest.
 
"Of course, Father," replied the Rabbi somewhat
nervously.
 
"Rabbi," began the priest, "It must be evident to
you that in this town we are plagued by thieves. 
Scarcely a day passes without one of my flock
coming to me bemoaning the fact that his house
has been broken into.. On the other hand, I have
noticed that thieves do not bother you Jews nearly
as much."

"Father, you are correct."

"Yes, but why is that?" inquired the priest.

"Look at this little box here on the side of my door
post," said the Rabbi. "It's called a mezuzah. We
Jews believe that when we put a mezuzah on the
entrances to our houses, the Holy One, may His Name
be blessed, protects both us and our property."
 
"In that case", replied the priest, "I must have one!"

Not wishing to be the cause of an incipient pogrom,
the Rabbi reluctantly handed over a mezuzah to the
priest.

Some two weeks later the Rabbi was awakened by
the sound of someone pounding violently on his door.
Dressing himself hastily, he made his way down the
stairs. "Who's there?" the Rabbi asked tremulously.

"Open the door! Open the door!" screamed a voice
on the other side. Leaving the door on the chain, the
Rabbi racked the door wide enough to see the priest
standing in front of him, his eyes wild with great
distraught.

"What happened?" asked the terrified Rabbi. "Were
you not protected from robbers?"

"I was! But these people were worse than robbers!"
screamed the priest.
 
"Who?" asked the rabbi.

"Fundraisers!!"
 
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Charles The Govenor on January 12, 2010, 09:03:37 PM
Delta pilot turned engine on a little too early...
Awesome pix.
(http://www.upgradebuddy.com/images/funny-airline-pic4.jpg)



I'd love to fly with those guys, which mileage card should I present?

(http://www.upgradebuddy.com/images/funny-airline-pic16.jpg)



Cabin crew, landing in 2 minutes, BTW, the kid almost made it...

(http://www.upgradebuddy.com/images/funny-airline-pic19.jpg)




I somehow think the driver won't get a raise for some time...

(http://www.upgradebuddy.com/images/funny-airline-pic23.jpg)



No Comment

(http://www.upgradebuddy.com/images/funny-airline-pic28.jpg)





Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: MOSES on January 12, 2010, 09:06:51 PM
you just quoted him?? I am confused!!
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on January 13, 2010, 07:13:30 AM
you just quoted him?? I am confused!!

me too, actually he added before the delta picture "Awesome pix."
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: MOSES on January 13, 2010, 08:27:20 AM
me too, actually he added before the delta picture "Awesome pix."
oh got it
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Dan on January 25, 2010, 08:10:29 PM
"Whenever I see a man with a beard, a mustache, and glasses, I think, There's a man who has taken every precaution to avoid people doodling on photographs of him"
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on January 26, 2010, 05:37:41 AM
(http://www.madeyoulaugh.com/funny_photos/cockpit/cockpit.jpg)
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on January 26, 2010, 06:04:35 AM
(http://www.cartoonstock.com/newscartoons/cartoonists/mfl/lowres/mfln293l.jpg)
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on January 26, 2010, 06:11:41 AM
(http://images.paraorkut.com/img/funnypics/images/a/airplane_water_skiing-13225.jpg)
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on January 26, 2010, 06:24:32 AM
(http://consumerfight.com/sitebuilder/images/Funny_Airplane_Sign-285x261.jpg)



(http://politiclolz.com/files/2009/11/Airplanes-Made-in-China.jpg)



(http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_76IUaRvRoMU/RlHlSNb3iZI/AAAAAAAAAII/0nl3h-ifH5w/s400/airplane_inflight_damaged_engine_berro.jpg)
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Charles The Govenor on March 17, 2010, 05:50:21 AM
????Man to Wife: "If my life will one day depend on a machine, don't let me suffer, just turn it off..... wife stands up and turns off his blackberry!
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on March 17, 2010, 07:00:21 AM
A European chusid, walks into a posh mehadrin restaurant in Manhattan.

He is very pleased and surprised to see that the Chinese waiter, speaks a fluent chassidish yiddish.

After the meal this chusid approaches the manager of the restaurant, and asks him:"How come this Chinese waiter speaks such a juicy yiddish?"

So the manager says to him:"Shshshsh, quit ! He thinks he is learning English!"
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: MOSES on March 17, 2010, 12:25:05 PM
????Man to Wife: "If my life will one day depend on a machine, don't let me suffer, just turn it off..... wife stands up and turns off his blackberry!
Thanks a good one!
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: hocker on March 17, 2010, 12:05:27 PM
????Man to Wife: "If my life will one day depend on a machine, don't let me suffer, just turn it off..... wife stands up and turns off his blackberry!
she makes "Eror 500"! lol
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on March 19, 2010, 09:04:45 AM
she makes "Eror 500"! lol

Thats patented with DD. Worwide patents pending.

(actually since the new server it runs much smoother).
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on April 07, 2010, 05:35:31 AM
Cute pessach clip (no volume) http://www.sergata.com/passover/passover_share.html
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: ChAiM'l on April 12, 2010, 08:35:21 PM
A man asks his wife "What would you do if I won the Lotto?"
She says, "I'd take my half and leave you!"
"Excellent! I won 12 bucks, here's 6 now get the $@#% outa here...."
Love it!
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Smirk on April 13, 2010, 05:00:42 PM
&feature=player_embedded
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on April 28, 2010, 07:24:21 PM
Just found an Israeli in Shul asking for a cigarette.  When he finally got it he said: "I stopped smoking already, but I can't stop Shnoring"..
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on April 28, 2010, 07:35:43 PM
When Iceland's economy died, its final wish was that its ashes would be spread across Europe
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Dan on April 28, 2010, 08:33:32 PM
When Iceland's economy died, its final wish was that its ashes would be spread across Europe
;D
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Cholentfresser on April 30, 2010, 01:49:19 AM
whats the point of red lights anyways......why can't everyone just go at the same time????
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on April 30, 2010, 12:19:23 PM
Maybe I'm stupid, but I don't get it.

Btw, I'm Algeria they don't have traffic lights, at least not in the capital.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: mancunian on April 30, 2010, 01:40:45 PM
whats the point of red lights anyways......why can't everyone just go at the same time????

i dont get why its a joke - im adamantly against stopsigns - in europe you barely see them, now they want me to pay more for insurance...
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on May 02, 2010, 04:21:55 AM
Don't know where in europe you have been, as far as I know they have no less traffic lights then the usa, if not more.

The use of TL?
In very low traffic area, I'd say that we don't need them, but on some (not sure what they are called in english) roads that are not a highway, but where a decent speed is allowed, and its a road continuing for several miles, had it not be for the traffic lights, you would have to stop at every single crossing...

I a lot of countries the lights on such a main road, are calculated that with a certain average speed, you can catch all subsequent green lights.
(Still not sure why its in the jokes section)
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: mancunian on May 03, 2010, 11:51:29 AM
Don't know where in europe you have been, as far as I know they have no less traffic lights then the usa, if not more.

The use of TL?
In very low traffic area, I'd say that we don't need them, but on some (not sure what they are called in english) roads that are not a highway, but where a decent speed is allowed, and its a road continuing for several miles, had it not be for the traffic lights, you would have to stop at every single crossing...

I a lot of countries the lights on such a main road, are calculated that with a certain average speed, you can catch all subsequent green lights.
(Still not sure why its in the jokes section)

the truth is im not sure if its my mistake or yours - i meant signs - apparantly the joke was lights
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea s
Post by: Crazy tools on May 03, 2010, 10:12:00 PM
why did the chicken cross the border?


it was a mexchicken!!
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Smirk on May 05, 2010, 04:19:40 PM
I tired to play UNO with some Mexicans today, but the Motherf**kers kept stealing the green cards, so i quit, Happy Cinco de Mayo
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on May 09, 2010, 08:49:25 AM
How come briskers are allowed to learn on shabbos? Isn't their kvetchen considered s'chita?








Answer: it is only s'chita when something actually comes out of it.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on May 09, 2010, 08:51:39 AM
A brisker who jumped from the 13th floor, awakes 6 month later in the hospital.
First thing they ask him: why did you jump?
Brisker: I had a chashash I was from zera amolaik
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea s
Post by: Crazy tools on May 09, 2010, 09:08:06 AM
wow superflyer you really have it in for briskers!! what happened u couldn't get into shiur??
(the schita "joke" (for lack of a better word) was a good one) :D
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on May 09, 2010, 09:14:16 AM
Here's one I made up right now. you inspired me...

Why do briskers use the word beshiite?

So that they won't have to call it politics
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on May 09, 2010, 09:18:34 AM
Getting into their shiur/yeshiva? Nah, I want when its cold, and have my hands in my pocket, still be able to speak.
Do you grrade herr what I'm lemayse telling you?
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea s
Post by: Crazy tools on May 09, 2010, 09:40:19 AM
what's the diff. between "shiytah" & "shuyta"??

just a tiny bit (the bottom of the "yud")
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: mancunian on May 09, 2010, 01:01:39 PM
just got this text (cornyyyy)

what do bochurim and cell phones have in common?
Free nights and weekends. The difference though is, one of them has a plan.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea s
Post by: Crazy tools on May 09, 2010, 10:20:52 PM
looking for tables,
chairs,
seforim,
building,
bocherim,


rosh yeshiva we have.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: mancunian on May 10, 2010, 01:34:53 PM
looking for tables,
chairs,
seforim,
building,
bocherim,


rosh yeshiva we have.

I know that place!
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea s
Post by: Crazy tools on May 10, 2010, 02:01:45 PM
which one are you talking about??? I know a different one!!!!
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea s
Post by: SuperFlyer on May 11, 2010, 06:07:35 PM
Three men arrive in heaven all around the same time. St. Peter sees the three men and proceeds to explain to them that Heaven is becoming very full, and they can only allow 1 out of every 3 people into heaven. So to choose which guy out of three that gets into heaven, St. Peter decides to let the person who had the worst death in. Peter takes the first guy aside and he begins to tell his story:

"Well Peter I had been having a very rough week. I have been suspecting that my wife has been cheating on me for a long time, so one day I left work early to catch her in the act. When I got home, sure enough there was my wife in bed naked, but the bastard wasn't in bed with her. I searched the entire house when I finally found the prick dangling outside my back balcony. I lived on the 8th story, so I started stomping the guys fingers trying to get him to fall off, but the asshole wouldn't fall. I went back into my room and got a hammer and smashed his fingers again. finally the guy fell off and landed in a big pile of bushes, but the bastard was still alive! I went and unplugged my refrigerator, threw it off the balcony, and finally killed the guy. After that though I felt so bad that I went into the back room and shot myself."

St. Peter agrees that this is definitely an unfortunate way to die, but goes on to the second guy;

"Well Peter, I had just bought this book on Yoga and decided to give it a try. I went back home to my tenth story apartment and preceded to try this new book, when I lost my balance and fell out the window. Luckily I grabbed onto a balcony two stories down, when out of nowhere some guy starts stomping on my fingers! Thank G-d i held on, and when he left I tried to pull myself up, but then he comes out with a hammer and breaks my hands! I couldn't hold on any longer and fell 8 stories down. Luckily there were bushes to break my fall and I only had broken bones and was lucky to be alive. the last thing i remember however is a giant refrigerator landing on me and killing me."

Once again St. Peter agrees that this is a horrible way to die, yet he goes onto the third guy:

"Alright Peter picture this. You're bare @ss naked inside of a refrigerator..."
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Cholentfresser on May 11, 2010, 09:37:29 PM
oldest joke in the book...
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on May 11, 2010, 10:32:29 PM
oldest joke in the book...

my books start from right to left, that explains it maybe...
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Smirk on May 11, 2010, 11:12:09 PM
Some interesting tidbits...There is an old Hotel/Pub in Marble Arch, London which used to have gallows adjacent. Prisoners were taken to the gallows (after a fair trial of course) to be hung. 
The horse drawn dray, carting the prisoner was accompanied by an armed guard, who would stop the dray outside the pub and ask the prisoner if he would like ''ONE LAST DRINK''. If he said YES it was referred to as "ONE FOR THE ROAD".  If he declined, that prisoner was said to be "ON THE WAGON" .    So there you go.  More bleeding history...

 
They used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families used to all pee in a pot & then once a day it was taken & sold to the tannery. If you had to do this to survive you were "Piss Poor". 
But worse than that were the really poor folk who couldn't even afford to buy a pot and "Didn't have a pot to Piss in". They were the lowest of the low.   
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on May 16, 2010, 06:17:17 PM
Anno 1935.

One jew to Yankel:

Yankel, where do you go on holidays?

Yankel: I go to Krakau.

Jew: Yankel, you are telling me that you are going to Krakau, because you think, that I will think that you really are going to Warsaw, however, the truth is, that your Are going to Krakau...

So why do you lie?!
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on May 25, 2010, 08:22:09 AM
I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a
fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him:"What's up Abdul,won't it start?
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on May 25, 2010, 08:58:47 PM
Little Johnnie's neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.   When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home. Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely. When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnnie. Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?" "Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision." "That's great", said Little Johnnie,"coz he'd be f***** if he needed glasses"
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Deal Guy on May 26, 2010, 03:04:45 AM
Little Johnnie's neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.   When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home. Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely. When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnnie. Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?" "Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision." "That's great", said Little Johnnie,"coz he'd be f***** if he needed glasses"


GOOD!
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Avid Reader on May 26, 2010, 10:10:48 AM
"Retail Therapy"

Wife to her husband: Honey, I'm feeling a little down, how about we go shopping?
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea s
Post by: SuperFlyer on May 27, 2010, 10:02:44 AM
Accents, Excellent (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L0ypc4x6teU)
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Avid Reader on May 27, 2010, 10:18:06 AM
Accents, Excellent (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L0ypc4x6teU)
Love it!
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on May 27, 2010, 10:50:45 AM
Love it!

not just a reader, also listener.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Dan on May 27, 2010, 10:53:17 AM
Love it!
+1
 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: ChAiM'l on May 27, 2010, 07:19:26 PM
Accents, Excellent (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L0ypc4x6teU)
GREAT!!!! (Coming from an "inTelligenT englishman....)
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Avid Reader on May 27, 2010, 11:16:17 PM
Accents, Excellent (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L0ypc4x6teU)

Apparently this guy has been opening the Chabad Telethon for the past few years!
&feature=related
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Avid Reader on May 27, 2010, 11:26:16 PM
At Mr Silver's Bar Mitzva, he asks his Rabbi to speak for five minutes. The Rabbi says he cant talk because he left his teeth at home, so he send his Shamash to run to his house and bring him his teeth. When he gets the teeth he gets up and starts speaking. 5 min. then ten, 20, 30, 40 and he keeps speaking. After an hour he finally gets down. Mr. Silver is not too happy and asks the Rabbi, "I told you to speak for only five minutes, what happened?" The Rabbi says "oy, my Shamash brought me my wife's teeth!
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on May 28, 2010, 03:58:34 AM
A guy walking suddenly sees a levaya, and behind the car of the chevra kadisha walks a dog followed by hundreds of people.
When asking some people what this dog is doing there, they tell him: this dog killed mr freedkops shvigger.
So they says: hey, I also want such a dog.
So they reply: well, so go wait for your turn in line, like everyone...
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Chaikel on May 28, 2010, 08:27:50 AM
Why did the Yeshivish guy/Brisker pour beer into a urinal?

Shibuda d'Rav Nosson.


How did the Yeshivish guy/Brisker eat soup with a fork?

Lovud
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on May 28, 2010, 08:47:32 AM
Lovely.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea s
Post by: Crazy tools on May 29, 2010, 10:11:59 PM
why did th brisker go down to his chuppah with his pants off??




Ke'sheim she'nichnas li'bris.........
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: YOSEF on May 29, 2010, 10:31:02 PM
amazing
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: YOSEF on May 29, 2010, 10:41:21 PM
I once heard that briskers are makpid to eat on certain fast days which are only d`rabbunun because of the d`orysah of u`shmartem es nafshoseichem.
Given that...
A newly married brisker comes home after shachris on asuhra b`teves and sees a bare dining room table.  Turning to his wife, he asks, "where's breakfast?"
"but its asuhra b`teves", she replies in wonderment.
"I thought you knew that briskers are makpid to eat though", he retorts.
"Ok. I didn't realize", she says. "why don't you go into the living room and learn a little while I make breakfast?"
Twenty minutes later the Kallah calls in her husband for breakfast.  Seeing the table set for two, he turns to his wife and asks "why is the table set for two?"
"What do you mean? I made us breakfast", she answers.
the husband turns to his wife and asks, "But who said you're frum enough to keep my chumrahs?"
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea s
Post by: Crazy tools on May 29, 2010, 10:45:01 PM
maybe we should make a special thread special for brisker jokes, there seems to be lots of them!!
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on May 30, 2010, 01:47:48 AM
(Hope this one isn't over the limit).

What's a brisK mila?

Answer: Not just taking of the orlo, also truma, maaser, and a kabaytso...
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea s
Post by: Crazy tools on May 30, 2010, 01:54:08 AM
the title of this thread says "any type goes", I guess I can't have taanis on you!!
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea s
Post by: Crazy tools on May 30, 2010, 01:56:37 AM
it used to be that all jokes had a pollok,jew & shvartza in them, now their all about briskers!!
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on May 30, 2010, 02:05:17 AM
Ok, the shvarzes need some attention too:

A brisker, with his thoughts deep in the "kvetshen", walks into the "wrong" neighborhood.

A shvartze points his gun at the briske, and says: I'm gonna kill you right now !
So the brisker closes his eyes, and starts reciting (in the brisk "shma" manner): Boruch ato atto atto.....ho'oy-ho-oylom-ho'oyylommm, lo'mus-lomuss al kidush hashem!
the shvartze sees that his is dealing with a whacko, decides to spare the guy, and walks off.
At the end of the brocho the brisker opens his eyes, and see the shvartze walking away, so he screams at him: Nuuuu, hefsek !
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Avid Reader on May 30, 2010, 02:13:46 AM
Ok, the shvarzes need some attention too:

A brisker, with his thoughts deep in the "kvetshen", walks into the "wrong" neighborhood.

A shvartze points his gun at the briske, and says: I'm gonna kill you right now !
So the brisker closes his eyes, and starts reciting (in the brisk "shma" manner): Boruch ato atto atto.....ho'oy-ho-oylom-ho'oyylommm, lo'mus-lomuss al kidush hashem!
the shvartze sees that his is dealing with a whacko, decides to spare the guy, and walks off.
At the end of the brocho the brisker opens his eyes, and see the shvartze walking away, so he screams at him: Nuuuu, hefsek !

Or Brocho Levatala..
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: mancunian on May 30, 2010, 05:41:46 AM
i'm sure you guys have heard of gruntig.net

(i have no affiliation with them or their subsidiaries. but i plotz every time i go there.)
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on May 30, 2010, 09:50:25 AM
A guy was scared that when people would think that he died, he would really still live, and be buried alive, so after he died, his son found a "tsavo'o" with his wish to be buried only 2 weeks after his death, so to be sure that he really passed away.
So they had a problem, from one side, there is "mitsva lekayem divrei hames", and on the other hand, there is "kovod hames", so he needs to be buried straight away.
They went to ask the rabbi, who thought for a few seconds, and exclaimed:"he needs to be buried right away!"
At the shiva, when the rabbi came to be menachem, the son asked the rabbi: I'm not doubting your psak, I was just wondering, how the rabbi concluded the halocho.
So the rabbi replied: If your father really died, then whole point why he wants to wait, falls away, so you can bury him now, and he really is still alive, there is no mitsva lekayem divrei hames.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on May 31, 2010, 09:30:29 AM
Two Polish hunters from Chicago hire a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt
moose.

They bag six moose.

As they start loading the plane for the return trip home, the pilot tells
them the plane can take only three moose.

The two men object strongly, stating, "Last year, we shot six moose and the
pilot let us put them all on board and he had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gives in and all six are loaded.

Unfortunately, even on full power, the little plane can't handle the load
and goes down a few minutes after takeoff.

Climbing out of the wreck, Stasiu asks Wladek, "Any idea where we are"?

Wladek replies, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year!"
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Chaikel on May 31, 2010, 10:01:56 AM
I could post the letter, but ppl wouldn't think it was true

http://www.snopes.com/humor/letters/dammed.asp (http://www.snopes.com/humor/letters/dammed.asp)
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Avid Reader on June 01, 2010, 03:01:16 AM
A Shviger comes to her son in-laws house for a visit.

Son in-law: How are you Shviger? How are you feeling?

Shviger: Thank G-D I cant complain.

Son in-law: How long will you be staying by us?

Shviger; As long as you want me too.

Son in-law: You mean you wont even stay for a coffee?

Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on June 04, 2010, 08:29:50 AM

Let's put the seniors in jail, and the criminals in a nursing home.  This way the seniors would have access to showers, hobbies and walks.  They'd receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs etc. and they'd receive money instead of paying it out.

They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance.

Bedding would be washed twice a week and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them.

A guard would check on them every 20 minutes and bring their meals and snacks to their cell.  They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.  They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counseling, pool and education.

Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, P.J.'s and legal aid would be free on request.  Private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard, with gardens.

Each senior could have a P.C. a T.V., radio and daily phone calls.  There would be a board of directors to hear complaints and the guards would have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to.

The "criminals" would get cold food, be left all alone and unsupervised.

lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week.  Live in a tiny room and pay $5000.00 per month and have no hope of ever getting out.

Justice for all
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea s
Post by: Crazy tools on June 04, 2010, 08:55:28 AM
good ha'arah, do something about it :D
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on June 06, 2010, 04:11:10 AM
Bob was in trouble.

He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really annoyed. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 140 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!”

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea s
Post by: yeshivaman on June 06, 2010, 07:43:21 AM
What should you do if you miss your Shvigger?


Reload, & shoot again!
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: youG on June 06, 2010, 08:42:03 AM
What did the tired mohel do??



He hit the sack!!!
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Avid Reader on June 06, 2010, 08:45:19 AM
What kind of meat do Mohels like best?

Brisket.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Avid Reader on June 06, 2010, 09:03:06 AM
Before Mr Yakobovitch came to the US, he took all his money and bought five sets of gold teeth so as to conceal his money from the authorities.
As he enters customs, the officer notices the gold teeth and suspiciously asks him why he needs five sets? So Yakobovitch explains that he is very religious and although most Jews use one set of teeth, he uses two, one for milk and one for meat. The officer says okay that explains two of them but what about the other three? Yakobovitch then says that although most Jews just kasher their regular teeth before Pesach, he has special teeth for Pesach, and one for milk and one for meat. The officer becomes impressed and asks, okey that explains the four sets, but whats the 5th one for? Yakobovitch takes a sigh, looks to the right and the left and the tell him quietly, I'll tell you de trut, vons in a vheil I like to eat at McDonalds too.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: YOSEF on June 06, 2010, 08:38:19 PM
So a shfartza starts working at a small store in Williamsburg, and lo and behold, after a few months he picks up some Yiddish.  One day a chasid comes in to the store, picks out something to buy, takes out his wallet, and pays.  About thirty seconds after the chasid leaves, the shfartza notices that the chasid left his wallet on the counter.  He picks it up and runs outside.   Looks right, not there.  Looks left, and there he is about half a block down.
"Yoily, yoily, you forgot your wallet!!" he screams as he runs after him.
The chasid turns around, takes his wallet from the shfartza, and says, "Thank you, but how did you know my name?"
"Your name?", the shfartza asks in a pant, "I thought 'Yoily' meant 'hey you' in Yiddish"
Title: For all the Canadians out there....
Post by: MarkS on June 09, 2010, 12:18:03 AM
A man walked into the produce section of  his local supermarket and asked to  buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working  in that department told him that  they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The  man was insistent that the boy  ask his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some loser wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

 Later the manager found the boy and said "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"

"Canada, sir," the boy replied.

 "Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked.

 The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but yentas and hockey players up there."

 "Really!" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada!"


The boy replied, "No kidding??? Who did she play for?"
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: ChAiM'l on June 09, 2010, 12:22:35 AM
Good. Now tell us what "yenta" is in the original joke...
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: MarkS on June 09, 2010, 12:38:46 AM
 ;)
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Avid Reader on June 09, 2010, 08:57:56 AM
What do procrastinators have in common with Wonton soup?

Wonton backwards = not now.

Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on June 10, 2010, 03:45:16 AM
Javed brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 notes, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.
Habib says to Javed 'I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 notes every day?'

Javed says, 'Look at your sign, what does it say'?
Habib's sign reads 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support'.
Javed says 'No wonder you only get $2- $3.
Habib says... 'So what does your sign say'?
Javed shows Habib his sign...
It reads:
'I only need another $10 to move back to Pakistan'.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on June 13, 2010, 05:27:21 AM
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.’ With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don’t worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren. Love, Your Son John

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a report card. That's in my center desk drawer. I love you.

Call me when it's safe to come home!
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: ChAiM'l on June 13, 2010, 10:01:05 AM
That's funny. I just got this exact same joke as an email... Hmmm...
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on June 17, 2010, 05:13:56 AM
One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?" 
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass.""Well, then, you can come with me to my  house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said."But sir, I have a wife and two children with  me. They are over there, under that tree." "Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated,"You may come with us, also." The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!" "Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered. They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind.""Thank you for taking all of us with you. The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it."You'll really love my place… "The grass is almost a foot high"
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Smirk on June 18, 2010, 11:45:08 AM
Awesome Guinness commercial  (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I_jIj4UWuRg&feature=player_embedded)
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: ChAiM'l on June 18, 2010, 12:18:23 PM
Awesome Guinness commercial  (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I_jIj4UWuRg&feature=player_embedded)

Ahem....
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on June 18, 2010, 12:28:38 PM
 
Ahem....

Something stuck in your throat?    ::)
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: MarkS on June 18, 2010, 01:25:00 PM
Grandad was reminiscing about the good old days....................
"When I was a lad, Momma would send me down to t'corner store wi' a
dollar, and I'd come back wi' five pounds o' potatoes, two loaves o'
bread, three pints o' milk, a pound o' cheese, a packet o' tea, an' 'alfa dozen eggs. Yer can't do that now.
Too many security cameras."

 Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.00.
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.'
Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'
Chuck said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?
Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said 'You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'
Chuck said, 'Sure I can Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'
Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898.00.'
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'
Chuck now works for Goldman Sachs.
 
 


HOW THE STOCK MARKET WORKS
Once upon a time, in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.
The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest, and started catching them.
The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort.
He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.
Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms.
The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!
The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50 ! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.
In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. 'Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each.'
The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys. Then they never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!
Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.

 
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: ChAiM'l on June 18, 2010, 02:07:49 PM

Something stuck in your throat?    ::)

How did you say the other day??

Naughty


Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Avid Reader on June 18, 2010, 03:54:36 PM
Grandad was reminiscing about the good old days....................
"When I was a lad, Momma would send me down to t'corner store wi' a
dollar, and I'd come back wi' five pounds o' potatoes, two loaves o'
bread, three pints o' milk, a pound o' cheese, a packet o' tea, an' 'alfa dozen eggs. Yer can't do that now.
Too many security cameras."

 Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.00.
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.'
Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'
Chuck said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?
Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said 'You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'
Chuck said, 'Sure I can Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'
Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898.00.'
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'
Chuck now works for Goldman Sachs.
 
 


HOW THE STOCK MARKET WORKS
Once upon a time, in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.
The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest, and started catching them.
The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort.
He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.
Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms.
The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!
The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50 ! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.
In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. 'Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each.'
The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys. Then they never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!
Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.

 

Gooood!
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: MarkS on June 18, 2010, 04:03:32 PM
Philosophy of life

A boat docked in a tiny Mexican fishing village.
A tourist complimented the local fishermen on the quality of their fish and asked how long it took him to catch them.
"Not very long." they answered in unison.
"Why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?"
The fishermen explained that their small catches were sufficient to meet their needs and those of their families.
"But what do you do with the rest of your time?"
"We sleep late, fish a little, play with our children, and take siestas with our wives. In the evenings, we go into the village to see our friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar, and sing a few songs. We have a full life."
The tourist interrupted,
"I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help you! You should start by fishing longer every day.
You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat."
"And after that?"
"With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers.
Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can then negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant.
You can then leave this little village and move to   Mexico City , Los Angeles , or even   New York City !
From there you can direct your huge new enterprise."
"How long would that take?"  
"Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years." replied the tourist.  
"And after that?"  
"Afterwards? Well my friend, that's when it gets really interesting, " answered the tourist, laughing. "When your business gets really big, you can start buying and selling stocks and make millions!"    
"Millions? Really? And after that?" asked the fishermen..
"After that you'll be able to retire,
live in a tiny village near the coast,
sleep late, play with your children,
catch a few fish, take a siesta with your wife and spend your evenings drinking and enjoying your friends."  
"With all due respect sir, but that's exactly what we are doing now. So what's the point wasting twenty-five years?" asked the Mexicans.

And the moral of this story is:
......... Know where you're going in life.... you may already be there!!    
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Chaikel on June 19, 2010, 07:23:42 PM
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on June 20, 2010, 02:41:35 PM
Not very nice to make fun of meshulochim, but hilarious...

http://www.bhol.co.il/news_read.asp?id=17561&cat_id=2
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Yordai Dooma on June 20, 2010, 02:43:19 PM
Awesome Guinness commercial  (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I_jIj4UWuRg&feature=player_embedded)
A Shtickle prust
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Yaalili on June 20, 2010, 06:05:07 PM
Tourist
Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town.
They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us?
Sure no Problem!
Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?"
The guy leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrr-gerrrrr Kiiinnnggg."
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Yaalili on June 20, 2010, 06:05:41 PM
IF ONLY LIFE WAS LIKE A COMPUTER
if you messed up your life, press "Ctrl, Alt, and Delete" and start all over.
To get your daily exercise, just click "run".
To "add/remove" someone in your life, click on the control panel.
To improve your appearance, just adjust display settings.
If life gets too noisy, turn off the speakers.
If you lose your car keys click on "find".
"Help" with the chores is just a click away.
You'd use your diskette to recover from a crash.
Click on "send" and the kids would go to bed.
Click on "refresh" and feel rejuvenated.
Is your wardrobe getting old? Click "update".
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Yaalili on June 20, 2010, 06:06:02 PM
and here is one more...

Farmer
A farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost.
"$10 for 3 minutes," replied the pilot.
"That's too much," said the farmer.
The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I'll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you'll have to pay $10."
The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to him, "I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man."
"Maybe," said the farmer, "But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out!"
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Chaikel on June 20, 2010, 06:25:01 PM
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on July 02, 2010, 10:20:12 AM
Le'ilui nishmas r' Yosef.

Q: Whats the difference between someone who just died after being in a brain dead coma and a lakewood guy?
A: one goes from life support to the freezer, and one goes from the freezer to life support!
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Mikeoracle on July 02, 2010, 12:22:23 PM
Why was the Kosciuszko bridge named after a pollack?

It was supposed to be a tunnel...
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: YOSEF on July 02, 2010, 04:37:34 PM
Le'ilui nishmas r' Yosef.

Q: Whats the difference between someone who just died after being in a brain dead coma and a lakewood guy?
A: one goes from life support to the freezer, and one goes from the freezer to life support!
Bli Eyein Hara,
I'm still with you.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on July 03, 2010, 06:57:54 PM
Bli Eyein Hara,
I'm still with you.

Le'iluy nishmas, doesnt mean that you have been suspended....
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: YOSEF on July 03, 2010, 10:23:57 PM
Le'iluy nishmas, doesnt mean that you have been suspended....
yeah, but isn't the forums the whole point?
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on July 04, 2010, 02:00:19 AM
Don't get it.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Dan on July 04, 2010, 10:48:06 AM


 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: YOSEF on July 04, 2010, 08:31:59 PM
Don't get it.
the tachlis hachaim
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on July 05, 2010, 01:19:36 AM
the tachlis hachaim

Aha, so "a banned member, is choshuv kemays"
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea s
Post by: yeshivaman on July 05, 2010, 08:24:48 AM
An old bochur who time after time turned down shidduchim was asked why he kept on saying no, the torah says "Lo tov heyos adam levado".

His reply?

"Yeh, S'iz nit gut, ubber s'iz nit shlecht!"
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on July 05, 2010, 03:33:08 PM
An old man lived alone in Ireland. He wanted to dig his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, who would have helped him, was in prison for bank robbery. The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament. Shortly, he received this reply," For HEAVEN'S SAKE Dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the Money!" At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen policemen showed up and dug up the entire garden, without finding any money. Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened, and asking him what to do next. His son's reply was: "Now plant your potatoes, Dad. It's the best I could do from here."
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on July 06, 2010, 06:23:08 AM
(https://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik=e477a7214a&view=att&th=129a72a5f72e44a9&attid=0.1&disp=emb&zw)
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Avid Reader on July 06, 2010, 08:38:55 AM
An old man lived alone in Ireland. He wanted to dig his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, who would have helped him, was in prison for bank robbery. The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament. Shortly, he received this reply," For HEAVEN'S SAKE Dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the Money!" At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen policemen showed up and dug up the entire garden, without finding any money. Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened, and asking him what to do next. His son's reply was: "Now plant your potatoes, Dad. It's the best I could do from here."

 ;D
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Avid Reader on July 06, 2010, 08:40:07 AM
(https://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik=e477a7214a&view=att&th=129a72a5f72e44a9&attid=0.1&disp=emb&zw)

Let me think, Vayismechu Ki Yishtoiku?
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea s
Post by: yeshivaman on July 11, 2010, 11:28:20 PM
My mother-in-law came to visit us in our cabin up in the mountains. One day she calls out,"Yankel, it's such a beautiful place you have here! I'm looking out the window & right here I see a deer!". I looked over & told her, "Shvigger, you're making 2 mistakes. First of all, that's not a deer, it's a cow. And second, that's not a window, its a mirror!!!"
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on July 12, 2010, 02:58:50 AM
A guy looking from his window sees to his bewilderment his mother in law that lives abroad, getting out of a taxi, with some 10 suitcases shlepping to his front door.

Soon enough he hears the bell, and goes to open the door, and says:"Shvigger! For how long did you come?"

Shvigger:"for as long as you want!"

Guy:"well, won't you at least come in and have a coffee?"
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on July 12, 2010, 02:41:45 PM
???When asked by a  patrol officer "Do You know you were speeding?"
This 83-year-old woman talked herself out of a ticket by stating: 
"Yes , but ... I had to get there before I forgot where I was going."
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on July 13, 2010, 07:53:10 PM
So I was at the worldcup in south africa and though I had a good seat, I noticed the seat in front me remained open and that seat was really better than mine. So I tapped the guy next to the open seat on the shoulder and said 'excuse me, is that seat next to u free by any chance?' 'Sure he said...its actually my wife's seat...we used to go to all the games together since 1970....but she died!' 'Oh I'm so sorry for ur loss' I said. 'But after all its the world cup...couldn't u find any friend or family of urs that would want to come with u today?'
Oh, no not really' he said....'They are all at her funeral!'
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Avid Reader on July 14, 2010, 11:24:13 AM
Not bad.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on July 19, 2010, 06:24:17 AM
When Insults Had Class...


These glorious Insults are

from an era before

the English language

got boiled down to "four letter" words.



The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:
She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison."
He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."  Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book;

I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends..." - Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if... you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second, if... there is one." -  Winston Churchill, in response.

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial" - Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go;

others, whenever they go..." - Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts: for support rather than illumination. " - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on July 20, 2010, 05:14:52 AM
What does tisha bav and bein hazmanim have in common?


Tefilin by mincha, no learning, and movies all day.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: ChAiM'l on July 20, 2010, 08:15:47 AM
By us it was the other way round... Bein hazmanim we behaved... ;)
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on July 20, 2010, 08:58:11 AM
Ahmed came to Sydney from Pakistan, and he was only there a few months when he became very Ill.

He went to doctor after doctor, but none of them could help Him. Finally, he went to a Paki doctor, who said, ‘Take dees bocket, go into de odderr rroom, shift in de bocket, piss on de shift, and den put yourr head down over de bocket and breathe in de fumes forr ten minutes.’

Ahmed took the bucket, went into the other room, shift in the bucket, pissed on the shift, bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes.

Coming back to the Doctor he said, ‘It vorrked. I feel verry terrific! What was wrrong vith me?’

The doctor said, ‘You vere homesick.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: YOSEF on July 21, 2010, 02:34:28 PM
After chatzos today, music, laundry, shaving, eating meat etc are all permissible.
However, some are machmir to wait until elul for limud hatorah.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: zalman123 on July 26, 2010, 07:31:51 PM
Moshe was talking to his psychiatrist. “I had a weird dream recently,” he says. “I saw my mother but then I noticed she had your face. I found this so worrying that I immediately awoke and couldn’t get back to sleep. I just stayed there thinking about it until 7am. I got up, made myself a slice of toast and some coffee and came straight here. Can you please help me explain the meaning of my dream?”

The psychiatrist kept silent for some time, then said, “One slice of toast and coffee? Do you call that a breakfast?”
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: zalman123 on July 27, 2010, 08:28:31 PM
 
Asking for a Raise A: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you? B: Bill! Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?    A: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years. B: Yes.    A: I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first. B: A raise? Son, I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time.    A: I understand your position, and I know that the current economic downturn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro-activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade. B: Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time. How does that sound?    A: Great! It's a deal! Thank you, sir!B: Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies were after you?    A: Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company and the Mortgage Company!
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: the great on August 05, 2010, 02:57:23 PM
Thanks! you made me laugh, keep up. 10 pts
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: ChAiM'l on August 05, 2010, 03:16:16 PM
Thanks! you made me laugh, keep up. 10 pts

Could I also have some points? Pleeeeease???
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: zalman123 on August 05, 2010, 11:31:05 PM
Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55% of plepoe can

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but teh wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!!!!.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: whYME on August 06, 2010, 12:08:37 AM
Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55% of plepoe can

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but teh wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!!!!.
uh, you have a typo in there :)

(rscheearch)
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Avid Reader on August 06, 2010, 04:27:36 AM
Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55% of plepoe can

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but teh wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!!!!.
Nice!
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on August 16, 2010, 12:22:34 PM
Gentile Jokes:

-- A Gentile goes into a clothing store and says: "This is a very fine jacket. How much is it?" The salesman says: "It's $500." The Gentile says, "OK, I'll take it."

-- A man calls his mother and says, "Mother, I know you're expecting me for dinner this evening, but something important has come up and I can't make it. "His mother says: "OK."

-- Two Gentiles meet on the street. The first one says, "You own your own business, don't you? How's it doing? "The other Gentile says, "Just great! Thanks for asking."
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: zalman123 on August 17, 2010, 12:42:34 PM
Yesterday I answered a knock on the door to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
‘Good morning,’ said the young man. ‘If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.’
‘Go away!’ I said. ‘I haven’t got any money!’, ‘I’m broke!’ and proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open. ‘Don’t be too hasty!’ he said. ‘Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.’ And with that, he emptied an entire  bucket of  chulent
onto my hallway carpet.
‘If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this chulant  from your carpet, I will personally eat the remainder.’
I stepped back and said, ‘Well I hope you’ve got a good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning. What part of ‘broke’ do you not understand?
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Avid Reader on August 17, 2010, 12:58:12 PM
Yesterday I answered a knock on the door to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
‘Good morning,’ said the young man. ‘If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.’
‘Go away!’ I said. ‘I haven’t got any money!’, ‘I’m broke!’ and proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open. ‘Don’t be too hasty!’ he said. ‘Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.’ And with that, he emptied an entire  bucket of  chulent
onto my hallway carpet.
‘If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this chulant  from your carpet, I will personally eat the remainder.’
I stepped back and said, ‘Well I hope you’ve got a good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning. What part of ‘broke’ do you not understand?
;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on August 17, 2010, 07:47:06 PM
Top Ten Most Popular Skipped parts of Davening

Old but a must.

10- Atoh Yotzarta on Shabbos Rosh Chodesh. If you’re looking quizzically at the screen and muttering “What’s that?” you’re only proving my point.
9- Ve’yehi Noam on Motzaei Shabbos. Saturday nights- so much to do, so little time.

8- Be’rich Shemei before krias haTorah. My Aramaic just isn’t what it used to be. Besides, it’s much easier to wait until they start singing from “bei, bei ana rachitz…” and enthusiastically join in at that time.

7- Bameh Madlikin on Friday Night. Long. Very long.

6- The 2nd Yekum Purkan on Shabbos morning. Even the first is stretching it. Proper procedure is actually to space out for several minutes and then begin “vechol mi she’oskim betzarchei tzibbur be’emunah…” in a loud, sing-song voice.

5- Pitum Haketores on Shabbos morning. Kind of gets lost in the shuffle between Ain K’elokeinu, Anim Zemiros and the shul president’s best wishes for a refuah sheleima to Mrs. Kleinbard.

4- Ana B’koach during Kabbalas Shabbos. If you were really supposed to say it, the siddurim would have it in normal sized print. Extra credit here for annoyingly invoking the Miami Boys Choir classic to these words in a just-audible hum before moving on seamlessly to Lecha Dodi.

3- Korbanos before Pesukei D’zimra. My second cousin twice removed claims to have once met someone who had a relative who’s neighbor knew someone who said them. But I’m not sure I believe him.

2- Vehu Rachum on Mondays and Thursdays. For those who just can’t seem to get enough Tachanun, there’s this twice-weekly special. For the rest of us, there's usually something lying around on the table to read.

1- The Shir Shel Yom on Wednesday. Talk about a midweek crisis. Why can’t every day be Tuesday?

Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on August 17, 2010, 08:00:06 PM
Top 40 Thoughts that Run Through your Head on a Bad Date


40. The bright side is at least ive done chesed for the week. And next week.

39. Don't you dare order the steak

38. Nod and smile, nod and smile...maybe he/she has a good-looking friend

37. Did she actually say he was "Cute"??..... try "bald"

36. Is this waiter/waitress single?

34. This is way beyond "not shayich"

33. "Who let the dogs out" Tune repeatedly running through your mind

32. Please not Dougies- I don't think I can handle seeing every Jewish person I know again

31. This shadchan has some serious serious issues

30. Hmmm, should it be "feeling sick" or "family emergency" this time?

29. I can't believe I bought a new "Date" outfit for this!

28. Who knew that my roommate's mom's coworker's penpal had no idea what I'm looking for?

27. Anything else that will distract you from his/her monologue about favorite hand lotions

26. Briefly reviewing your "Top Ten Excuses to End a Bad Date" list

25. Wondering why the waiter wont take pity and just spill something on you

24. Deciding what to order that will give you the worst possible breath

23. Coming to the conclusion that if your shadchan deserves a gift for finding your perfect companion, he/she deserves the bill for setting you up with the exact opposite.

22. OK, the pocket Kahati is one thing but didn't anyone tell this guy not to wear his pocket protector on the date?

21. Not even her father can afford to get me on a second date.

20. I think I saw a window in the bathroom.

19. OK, how can I look at my watch without making it look like I'm looking at my watch? Aww, the heck with it...it's 8:37.

18. Shoot, she/he just caught me closing my eyes.

17. Never go out with someone you meet in a pet lovers online chat room

16.What time does Friends start?

15. What would McGyver do in this situation

14."There are more fish in the sea"...hit repeat, repeat

13.Please God make me a bird so I can fly far far away

12. How many halapinio peppers does it take to make me sick enough to leave

11. This would make a great romance novel. Man finds love during bad date. Keep your eyes open

10. I am so not getting onto OnlySimchas.com with this guy/girl

9. Please Please Hashem, let there be no one here I know

8. That's so weird, this ceiling has 48 tiles. Unlike the floor which has 47.

7. I now realize that "being set up" can mean two different things.

6. I'll just spell "help" out with my utensils and maybe someone will understand.

5. I miss work.

4. Yisurin shel ahava... Yisurin shel ahava

3. If I call myself on my cell phone, will it ring?

2. This girl/guy puts the "uch" in shidduch.

1. I will never ever trust my mother again
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Avid Reader on August 24, 2010, 11:47:55 PM
Old but good (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQjg8GU0UA8)
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: avi2018 on August 26, 2010, 06:03:40 AM
Why was the Kosciuszko bridge named after a pollack?

It was supposed to be a tunnel...
heard this one about the pulaski skyway
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: MOSES on August 27, 2010, 12:15:27 AM
heard this one about the pulaski skyway
they both go over the same body of water...
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea s
Post by: yeshivaman on August 29, 2010, 01:56:37 AM
I called continental & the rep was helpful!
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Dan on August 29, 2010, 02:20:33 AM
I called United and the rep spoke English  ::)
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on August 29, 2010, 05:51:08 AM
I called US Airways and they picked up.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Chaikel on August 29, 2010, 06:00:13 AM
I called US Airways and they picked up.
Gotta use a silver number. I've never waited more than 60 seconds
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Dan on August 29, 2010, 12:57:15 PM
Gotta use a silver number. I've never waited more than 60 seconds
Care to share? Do they verify Silver status before connecting you to an agent like CO does?
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Chaikel on August 29, 2010, 01:03:30 PM
The automated thing asks you for your DM number, after you put it in it says "Thank you for calling DM Silver line" or something like that. I always get a US rep in under a minute, and they have no clue what my number is, I can give them any number. I've never given them a regular number, so I don't know if they'll say "Hey! You're not Silver"
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: beej on September 02, 2010, 12:59:23 PM
A little old lady went to the grocery store and put the most expensive cat food in her basket. She then went to the check out counter where she told the check out girl, "Nothing but the best for my little kitten."

"The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat."

The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store.

They sold her the cat food.

The next day, the old lady went to the store and bought 12 of the most expensive dog biscuits -- one for each day of Christmas. The cashier this time demanded proof that she now had a dog, claiming that old people sometimes eat dog food.

Frustrated she went home, came back and brought in her dog.

She was then given the dog cookies.

The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole.

The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there."

The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would bite her.

So the cashier put her finger into the box and pulled it out and told the little old lady, "That smells like crap!!"

The little old lady grinned from ear to ear, "Now, my dear, can I please buy three rolls of toilet paper?"
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Avid Reader on September 20, 2010, 11:22:41 PM
So this guy is chatting with a supervisor at Macy's and says I see so many Jewish people shopping here, I think you would make a ton of money selling Esrogim to them. The Supervisor says we actually did that one year and it was a huge hit because they all sold out, but apparently there was something wrong with the Esrogim because 2 weeks later they were all returned...

(Anyone buying their Arba minim on a Starwood...? Just kidding )
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Dan on September 20, 2010, 11:28:23 PM
(Anyone buying their Arba minim on a Starwood...? Just kidding )
Hmm...that ain't no joke!  The examiner definitely won't be laughing when he gets a $100 lemon sent back!
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Avid Reader on September 20, 2010, 11:29:24 PM
From the makers of the Pop-Up Sukkah:

Does constipation from eating all that Matza on Pesach ruin your holiday? With our new Kosher-Lepesach laxetive you wont even remember you ate Matza. It's called "let my people go".
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Avid Reader on September 20, 2010, 11:38:54 PM
Hmm...that ain't no joke!  The examiner definitely won't be laughing when he gets a $100 lemon sent back!

Are perishables excluded from Return protection? If not they may decide to exclude them very soon...

But seriously, this would get pretty complicated Halachikly.

Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Dan on September 20, 2010, 11:46:14 PM
Are perishables excluded from Return protection?
Yes.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: aussiebochur on September 20, 2010, 11:53:08 PM
Are perishables excluded from Return protection? If not they may decide to exclude them very soon...

But seriously, this would get pretty complicated Halachikly.

How could this be worse then "matana al mnas l'hachzer"?
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Avid Reader on September 21, 2010, 12:11:56 AM
How could this be worse then "matana al mnas l'hachzer"?

More on the lines of "esrog hagozul" e.i. Is it genieva to buy something and use it, when you had in mind to return it to begin with. Even if not geneiva, it may be considered like you never bought it, so it was never yours and you were not yotze the mitzva.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: aussiebochur on September 21, 2010, 12:17:11 AM
More on the lines of "esrog hagozul" e.i. Is it genieva to buy something and use it, when you had in mind to return it to begin with. Even if not geneiva, it may be considered like you never bought it, so it was never yours and you were not yotze the mitzva.
My point was that even though you know you're giving it back, at the time you have its yours.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Avid Reader on September 21, 2010, 12:27:31 AM
My point was that even though you know you're giving it back, at the time you have its yours.


I see what you mean.

Something slightly related and may give another perspective on this:

A while ago I was reading a kovets on preparations for marriage and the author had some sound advice on buying the kidushin ring.
1) The ring you are mekadesh with has to be bought with the Chosson's own money, not borrowed or bought for him, or there can be a question on the whole Kidushin.
2) Don't buy it on a credit card since it may technically not belong to you until you pay the bill.
3) If you did buy it on a CC, pay the bill right away.

The guy that wrote this is not a Rav AFAIK but it certainly makes sense.

Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Chaikel on September 21, 2010, 12:51:55 AM
I see what you mean.

Something slightly related and may give another perspective on this:

A while ago I was reading a kovets on preparations for marriage and the author had some sound advice on buying the kidushin ring.
1) The ring you are mekadesh with has to be bought with the Chosson's own money, not borrowed or bought for him, or there can be a question on the whole Kidushin.
2) Don't buy it on a credit card since it may technically not belong to you until you pay the bill.
3) If you did buy it on a CC, pay the bill right away.

The guy that wrote this is not a Rav AFAIK but it certainly makes sense.
Borrowing money is not a problem. US checks may also be a problem
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: avi2018 on September 28, 2010, 09:49:45 PM
How could this be worse then "matana al mnas l'hachzer"?
By matana al mnas lhachzir, both sides know this, and therefore at the time of the mitzva it is yours because the original owner makes it yours even though he knows thAT it's not going to be so in some time. However here this a case of what the buyer thinks which is NOT in accord with the thoughts of the seller, the validity of the sale is in question, and if the sale isn't valid the esrog is definitely not the property of the buyer, hence esrog hagozel/hashaul.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Avid Reader on October 03, 2010, 01:26:52 PM
Yankel Zuchmir built his Sukkah in the courtyard of his apt. building. The gentile tenants put up a fight that it makes the building look ugly and he had no permission to do it. Yankel found himself sitting in front of the judge during Chol Hamoed defending himself. After he finished the Judge gave his ruling: Yankel must get permission before he builds a Sukkah, and must dismantle his current Sukkah promptly - no later then ten days from now! Yankel walked out a happy man  :).
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Yaalili on October 09, 2010, 11:36:38 PM
Bill, Jim and Scott were at a convention together sharing a large suite at the top of a 75-story hotel. After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken, and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room.

Bill said to Jim and Scott, "Let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, Jim can sing songs for the next 25 flights and Scott will tell sad stories for the rest of the way."

At the 26th floor, Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor, Jim stopped singing and Scott began to tell sad stories.
"I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car."
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on October 13, 2010, 03:48:34 AM
A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter Scale has hit
Pakistan .
Two million Pakistanis have died and over a million are injured .
The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start
with providing help to rebuild .
The rest of the world is in shock .
The USA is sending troops to help .
Saudi Arabia is sending oil .
Latin American countries are sending supplies .
New Zealand is sending sheep, cattle and food crops .
The Asian continents are sending labor to assist in rebuilding
infrastructure .
Australia is sending medical teams and supplies .
Britain, not to be outdone, is sending two million Pakistanis as
replacements . . .



G-d Bless British generosity!

*in the UK there are enormous amount of Pakistanis, such as in Germany Turks, in France Algerians, and in Belgium and the Netherlands Moroccans. Needless to say that they don't exactly improve the economy...
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: ChAiM'l on October 13, 2010, 02:45:31 PM
*in the UK there are enormous amount of Pakistanis, such as in Germany Turks, in France Algerians, and in Belgium and the Netherlands Moroccans. Needless to say that they don't exactly improve the economy...

Reminds me of an email i got a while ago.....
 
Illegal Immigrants Poem

I cross ocean, poor and broke.
Take bus, see employment folk.
 
Nice man treat me good in there.
Say I need to see welfare.

Welfare say, 'You come no more, we send cash right to your door.'
 
Welfare cheques - they make you wealthy! NHS - it keep you healthy!

By and by, I get plenty money.
Thanks to you, you British dummy!
 
Write to friends in motherland.
Tell them 'come fast as you can.'
   
They come in turbans and Ford trucks,
And buy big house with welfare bucks!
   
They come here, we live together.
More welfare cheques, it gets better!
           
Fourteen families, they moving in,
but neighbour's patience wearing thin.
Finally, British guy moves away.
Now I buy his house,then I say,
     
'Find more immigrants for house to rent.'
And in the yard I put a tent.

Everything is very good,
and soon we own the neighbourhood.
         
We have hobby, it's called breeding. Welfare pay for baby feeding.
Kids need dentist? Wives need pills? We get free! We got no bills!
British crazy! They work all year, to keep the welfare running here.
We think UK darn good place.
Too darn good for British race!
If they no like us, they can scram. Got lots of room in Afghanistan !
 

PLEASE SEND THIS TO EVERY BRITISH TAXPAYER YOU KNOW
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: zalman123 on October 13, 2010, 04:07:08 PM
MOISHE  ....

 
For 30 years every day old Moishe ate at "Abe's Kosher Delicatessen". Old Moishe was an honoured guest and had his own reserved stool at the counter. He was loved by everyone and was generous to all the servers and staff. Abe, the owner loved Moishe too. One day Moishe didn't show at his regular time. Abe was worried a bit as he realized Old Moishe was a widower and lived alone but then got busy and forgot about  Moishe's  absence. 
 The next day...no Moishe....now Abe was worried... he phoned Abe's number and got no answer. He even called a few local hospitals and even called Moishe's daughter in Israel to no avail. Abe couldn't sleep that night wondering what had happened. Next day again no Moishe!
Now Abe was really concerned and just as he was about to call the cops and 911 he glanced out the window and saw Moishe going into "Goldberg's Deli" across the street. Abe took off out the door and raced across the street narrowly missing getting hit be a bus and confronted Moishe just as he was sitting down. Abe screamed, "where the hell have you been! I lost sleep and spent good money phoning around about you and what are you doing here at Goldberg's.....you know he's my worst enemy! Explain to me Moishe!!!!!"
Moishe looked at Abe and said calmly, "settle down Abraham, settle down, you'll be having a heart attack. I'll be telling you what happened okay. I went to the dentist 3 days ago and had one of those root canals. Oy the pain! The dentist gave me some pills and said   'Moishe, for a few days eat on the other side'"
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on October 13, 2010, 06:11:43 PM
Know your Israeli passenger

The Israeli passenger gets on a plane and feels like a new immigrant, even
if he has only spent one week abroad. "Wow! It's so good to finally hear
some Hebrew."


The Israeli passenger stretches out on three empty seats on the plane, even
if he's not supposed to sit there. "So they'll ask me to get up. What have I
got to lose?"


The Israeli passenger tries to "sneak" forward to the more expensive seats.
"Why do you care? Half of the business class is empty as it is."


The Israeli passenger asks the flight attendant for a glass of water before
take off, and usually explains the reason for his request. "I just have to
take a pill" or "I haven't had a drink all day."


The Israeli passenger has a refined taste, especially when he is served with
meatballs and couscous for lunch. "Does it come with gravy?"


The Israeli passenger bought a plane ticket, and therefore thinks he
deserves everything. "What do you mean there's no alcohol on this flight? I
paid a full price."


The Israeli passenger apparently doesn’t know that there are trash cans on
the plane, and throws everything around his seat. "We'll collect everything
at the end of the flight." Yeah, right.



The Israeli passenger will walk into the plane's kitchen, see the steward
eating on his break and disrupt his meal, politely. "Bon Appétit! Can I have
some coffee? I'm in A25, okay?"




The religious Israeli passenger opens a synagogue at the back of the plane
together with other religious passengers, and loudly recites the morning
prayer while everyone else is sleeping. "Steward guy, come join us, we're
missing one person for a quorum…"


The religious Israeli passenger reaches out to the beverage cart and simply
picks up a bottle of juice or any other drink. "I just wanted to check its
kashrut certificate."


The Israeli passenger must sample all the different Israeli newspapers
before entering the plane, despite being asked to settle for one. "Of course
I read all of them. Yedioth and Maariv, Makor Rishon and Yated Ne'eman."



The Israeli passenger "tries out" the entire Duty Free cart, asking to see,
check, smell and touch the products – but settles for a keychain for his kid
or a golden bar of Toblerone. "We have to bring something back, no?"



The Israeli passenger quickly gulps his glass of juice down and asks for a
refill, before the steward has even finished pouring it. "And if you could
add wine for the meal and a can of beer, it would be really nice. But don't
open it, leave it closed, okay?"



The Israeli passenger knows his drink very well. "I'll have a whiskey on the
rocks – but without ice."


The Israeli passenger likes to mention that his niece or the daughter of a
friend of his is a stewardess too, so you must know her (although there are
hundreds of flight attendants). "She travels a lot, she's in New York all
the time."


The Israeli passenger makes his own decision that the flight is over and
gets up, even though the plane is still moving. "What do you want? I'm only
taking my bag from up there, that's all."




The Israeli passenger thinks an airline is a bus company. 'So, do you travel
on this line often?"


The Israeli passenger finds it difficult to read the writing on the lavatory
door ("press here") and ends up dismantling the door. "What's going on? How
do you open this thing?"


The Israeli passenger thinks the travelers' body wastes come out of the
plane and are scattered in the air. "Say, can I use the toilet on the
ground?"


The Israeli passenger knows his "rights" and likes to insist on them. "They
put a fat passenger in front of me and I can't watch the film. I demand
compensation!"



The Israeli passenger doesn't like anyone to sit next to him, and if someone
sits next to him – he should not be in the middle, and if he is in the
middle – he should not have a haredi next to him, and the haredi doesn't
want to sit next to a woman, and the woman doesn't want to sit next to a guy
who flirts with her, and the guy who flirts with her doesn’t want to sit
next to a noisy kid who interrupts his flirting. In short, everyone wants to
sit alone.



The Israeli passenger thinks the airline belongs to your father and that you
really care when he resorts to threats. "This is the last time I fly with
you!"



The Israeli passenger likes to joke. 'Say, can we go out for a smoke? Ha
ha…"


But on the positive side…

The Israeli passenger is also the first to offer to help when someone faints
on the plane. "I was a paramedic in the army, pull his legs up."


And the Israeli passenger appreciates the small plate of hummus served for
lunch. "This is really good. Can I get some more pita bread?"


And the Israeli passenger is the one who sometimes appreciates the flight
attendants' hard work. "You were great, just great," and even writes to the
management about it.


And the Israeli passenger is the one who comes to talk to you in the middle
of the night when everyone's asleep and you're bored. "So you stay up all
night? It must be hard…"



And the Israeli passenger is the one who remembers you from the flight when
you're abroad and helps you in times of need. "Hey, you were the steward on
our flight."


And the Israeli passenger is the one who recommends a really cheap store he
happens to know. "There is a store near Times Square which sells two pairs
of snickers for the price of one, and on Mondays the entire store is 50%
off."


And the Israeli passenger is the one who makes you feel at home when you're
abroad and invites you to dine at his restaurant. "Drop by any time when
you're in Paris. Here's my business card."


And the Israeli passenger is the one who trusts you the most. "Can you keep
an eye on the child for a minute? I'm going to the bathroom."


And the Israeli passenger makes you feel somewhat proud. "I only fly with
you, only with an Israeli airline."


And the Israeli passenger is the one who, despite the hardships of the long
flight, smiles at you when it ends. "It was a terrific flight, thanks!"



So here's the conclusion: The Israeli passenger can be annoying, can act
like an oppressor and a person who deserves everything, but he's also the
one who understands you more than anyone (and you him), who speaks your
language without forcing you to break your teeth, and you may have even
dated his daughter.


But more than anything, he is an Israeli, and if he is an Israeli – it means
he's also you. So next time you fly, remember: The toilet can also be used
on the ground!



And what do you think about the Israeli passenger?
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: abe1 on October 20, 2010, 10:10:49 PM
Moshe was sitting at the bar staring at his drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig and menacingly says, “Thanks Jew Boy, whatcha going to do about it?" 
 
Moshe burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying. What’s your problem?"

"This is the worst day of my life," Moshe says.  "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the postman and then my dog bit me.
 
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing!
 

"But enough about me, how's your day going?"
 
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on October 21, 2010, 07:28:43 AM
The Israeli Arrs (not sure how to translate it)

&feature=related
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: ChAiM'l on October 21, 2010, 03:15:49 PM
The Israeli Arrs (not sure how to translate it)

&feature=related

In England we call it an "arse".... (I know, I know....)
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on October 21, 2010, 07:36:20 PM
Moishe had a wife named Gittel, who nagged him unmercifully.

From morning until night (and sometimes later), for the 65 years they had been married, Gittel was always complaining about something.  The only time he got any relief was when he was out buying and selling junk and scrap metal with his old mule, because it took away from home often.

One day, when Moishe was negotiating a deal with another junk dealer, Gittel brought him lunch.  Moishe drove the mule into the shade, sat down on a stump and began to eat his lunch.  Immediately after saying his brochos (blessings), Gittel began nagging him again; Complain, gripe, nag, nag; it just never stopped.  All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet and caught Gittel smack in the back of the head, killing her dead on the spot.
 
At the funeral the next day, one of the Rabbis noticed something rather odd.  When a female mourner approached Moishe, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a male mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.
 
This was so consistent, the Rabbi decided to ask him about it.  After the funeral, the Rabbi spoke to Moishe and asked his old and dear friend why he nodded his head in agreement with all the women, but always shook his head in disagreement with the men.
 
Moishe said, "Well, the women would come up and say something about what a good person my wife was, or how she was such a good cook or devoted wife, so I'd nod my head in agreement."

"And what about the men?" the Rabbi asked.

"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale".
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Avid Reader on October 21, 2010, 07:57:28 PM
There are two types of people in this world: Those that are always ten minutes early, and those that are always ten minutes late. Furthermore, they are always married to each other. - Mark Twain
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: regalhome on October 26, 2010, 04:55:47 PM
what did Avruhom say when Efron asked him such a high amount for the land?
THE RENT IS TOO DAMN HIGH...!!!!
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea s
Post by: elikay on October 26, 2010, 09:07:21 PM
That's a bit in poor taste IMHO.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: mancunian on October 27, 2010, 01:21:04 AM
http://www.gruntig.net/2010/10/circus-at-ny-governor-debate.html
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on October 28, 2010, 06:21:09 PM
parasha of Shiduchim:

It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:

1. A friend
2. A companion
3. A helper
4. A brother
5. A father
6. A master
7. A chef
8. An electrician
9. A carpenter
10. A plumber
11. A mechanic
12. A decorator
13. A stylist
14. An architect
15. A doctor
16. A psychologist
17. A carrying
18. A psychiatrist
19. A healer
20. A good listener
21. An organizer
22. A good cooker
23. Very nice
24. Sympathetic
25. Athletic
26. Warm
27. Attentive
28. Gallant
29. Intelligent
30. Funny
31. Creative
32. Tender
33. Strong
34. Understanding
35. Tolerant
36. Prudent
37. Ambitious
38. Capable
39. Courageous
40. Determined
41. True
42. Dependable
43. Passionate
44. Compassionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. Give her compliments regularly
46. Love shopping
47. Be honest
48. Be very rich
49. Not stress her out
50. Not look at others AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. Never to forget:* birthdays* anniversaries* arrangements she makes

HOW TO MAKE THIS MAN HAPPY ???

1. Leave him alone  !!!!
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on October 28, 2010, 06:21:44 PM
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed to
stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
(Shoot, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.
Details inside.
(the shoplifter special)?

On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap,"
(and that would be how???....)

On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's "just" a suggestion).

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)

On packaging for a Rowena iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me more time)?

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate
machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we
could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(and...I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to...what)?

On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious)

On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: maybe, ooh...fly Delta?)

On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not
enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands
or genitals."
(Oh my ..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Dan on October 29, 2010, 11:01:03 AM
What happens when a fly falls into a coffee cup?

The Italian – throws the cup and walks away in a fit of rage.

The Frenchman – takes out the fly, and drinks the coffee.

The German - carefully washes the cup, sterilizes it and makes a new cup of coffee.

The Chinese – eats the fly and throws away the coffee.

The Russian – drinks the coffee with the fly, since it was extra with no charge.

The Israeli – sells the coffee to the Frenchman, the fly to the Chinese, Buys himself a new cup of coffee and uses the extra money to invent a device that prevents flies from falling into coffee.

The Palestinian – blames the Israeli for the fly falling in his coffee, protests the act of aggression to the UN, takes a loan from the European Union to buy a new cup of coffee, uses the money to purchase explosives and then blows up the coffee house where the Italian, the Frenchman, the Chinese, and the Russian are all trying to explain to the Israeli that he should give away his cup of coffee to the Palestinian.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on November 02, 2010, 06:43:10 PM
Funniest Contradicting Words:

1. Clearly misunderstood

2. Small crowd

3. Act naturally

4. Found missing

5. Happily married
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: AsherO on November 02, 2010, 07:09:55 PM
This thread should be renamed to 'Post your email forward here'
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Dan on November 02, 2010, 07:44:36 PM
This thread should be renamed to 'Post your email forward here'
Post of the day!
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Chaikel on November 03, 2010, 02:55:40 AM
http://ajws.org/
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Mikeoracle on November 04, 2010, 11:34:12 AM
Go to google maps
Click on “get directions”
Enter Japan as start location and China as End location
Read #43 of the instructions…
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Dan on November 04, 2010, 11:42:36 AM
Go to google maps
Click on “get directions”
Enter Japan as start location and China as End location
Read #43 of the instructions…

Lol, I've seen the "Swim" one, but I haven't seen that one before!
http://local.google.com/maps?f=d&source=s_d&saddr=Japan&daddr=China&hl=en&geocode=FRhxKAIdfJI9CCkvGX_XD05nNDFEUmZ81HVC9Q%3BFZw0IwIdReU1BinBQsblZI5QMTFvNp80fKodlQ&mra=ls&sll=37.0625,-95.677068&sspn=38.826758,107.138672&ie=UTF8&z=5
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Mikeoracle on November 04, 2010, 11:48:50 AM
I guess the Google guys learnt how to Jet Ski... I knew I should have sent my resume to Google, these guys have too much fun...
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: aussiebochur on November 04, 2010, 04:47:36 PM
If Kayaking is more your thing, type in Los Angeles to Melbourne, Australia.
Enjoy...
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: MOSES on November 05, 2010, 08:29:37 AM
If Kayaking is more your thing, type in Los Angeles to Melbourne, Australia.
Enjoy...
Thats actually quite funny,
though not exactly sure why you need all the stopovers
http://local.google.com/maps?f=d&source=s_d&saddr=Los+Angeles&daddr=Melbourne,+Australia.&geocode=FYqYBwIdm77z-CkT2ifcXcfCgDH0CEYlb98v4g%3BFRUAv_0dYfajCCkr3gUlyELWajEnlxuczK1Yiw&hl=en&mra=ltm&sll=5.441022,-174.902344&sspn=90.661547,158.027344&ie=UTF8&ll=20.13847,-164.53125&spn=87.306766,158.027344&z=3
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on November 05, 2010, 09:58:31 AM
(http://th09.deviantart.net/fs42/PRE/i/2009/064/d/3/Proof_that_women_are_evil_by_grammaton485.jpg)
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on November 05, 2010, 10:01:04 AM
(http://www.vtualerts.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/04/img4.jpg)
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on November 05, 2010, 10:03:53 AM
(http://www.refindia.net/rindia/cartoons/images/cartoon_031111_b.jpg)
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: chuchem on November 08, 2010, 06:53:27 PM
FINALLY - A great alternative to body scanners at airports . . .

The Israelis are developing an airport security device that eliminates the
privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners at the airports.

It's a booth you can step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate
any explosive device you may have on you. They see this as a
win-win for everyone, with none of this crap about racial profiling. It also
would eliminate the costs of a long and expensive trial. Justice would be
swift. Case closed!

You're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion.
Shortly thereafter an announcement comes over the PA system . . .
"Attention standby passengers - we now have a seat available on flight
number XXXX. Shalom!"
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on November 08, 2010, 07:40:19 PM
Chuchem, when in israel, can I send a parcel with you?
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: HSS on November 09, 2010, 02:03:41 AM
Awesome Bumber Sticker I saw:

 I believe in the Big Bang Theory... "God Spoke... and BANG it Happened!"
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on November 09, 2010, 06:30:11 PM
Another sticker:

All my money goes to Chicago University,
My daughter too...
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: YOSEF on November 09, 2010, 06:33:01 PM
Another sticker:

All my money goes to Chicago University,
My daughter too...

Its probably University of Chicago
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on November 10, 2010, 06:53:39 AM
That's what I read when I was in chicago.

Also the big bang one.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Chaikel on November 10, 2010, 05:21:34 PM
I happen to think the song is awesome

Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: regalhome on November 10, 2010, 08:40:14 PM
I happen to think the song is awesome



+100 ;D
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: ChAiM'l on November 10, 2010, 09:23:01 PM
I happen to think the song is awesome



Those guys are amazing. I came across them recently, they autotune all kinds of stuff. They even did one episode for RayWJohnson...
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Chaikel on November 11, 2010, 07:25:36 AM
Vote for the Kollel check is too damn low Party


Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Dan on November 11, 2010, 09:49:26 PM
This is funny!
t=01m58s
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Avid Reader on November 11, 2010, 11:07:07 PM
Vote for the Kollel check is too damn low Party




 ;D ;D
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: ChAiM'l on November 18, 2010, 05:14:44 PM
This tzedakah letter was going around today...


"Dear Fellow Jew
Even though the current economic situation is very tough for all of us, we
turn to you for help for a Chosson who just recently got engaged. His whole
life nebach has been one of great tragedy, his parents were divorced when he
was still a young child and when he was just eighteen years old his mother
was a passenger in a car that was involved in major accident and
unfortunately died as a result of  the injuries she sustained.
Due to his family situation he had no other choice other than to join the army, and now at the age of twenty-eight  after many years of hardship and
great difficulty he has finally found his zivug.
We trust you won't turn him away in his time of greatest need.
Please send donations marked 'Hachnosas Kalloh' to the address below.





Send Donations to:

Buckingham Palace,
Buckingham Palace Rd,
London SW1A 1AA,
United Kingdom"
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Dan on December 05, 2010, 01:17:24 PM
Lol...
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Avid Reader on December 05, 2010, 08:28:39 PM
Lol...

Yup. Saw it on Facebook. Someone commented that perhaps it's for the losing side of the Chanukah story - the Greeks.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Shimon on December 08, 2010, 08:31:54 AM
They do the same thing for Ramadan. It is some crap strategy that the marketing people learned in university. Works in theory, not in practice.

I have seen it done in supermarket chains in area without any Jews and a country with very few Jews to begin with.

Stuff like this is decided by corporate.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: bentch on December 12, 2010, 12:23:08 PM
a chinese couple had a black baby. guess what they named him? sum tin wong
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on December 13, 2010, 05:49:26 AM
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on December 13, 2010, 07:37:14 AM
&NR=1&feature=fvwp
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Dan on December 13, 2010, 11:41:00 AM
&NR=1&feature=fvwp

 :D :D :D
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Avid Reader on December 14, 2010, 02:19:49 PM
(http://img716.imageshack.us/img716/1574/fishyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.jpg)

 (http://img716.imageshack.us/i/fishyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.jpg/)
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: AsherO on December 14, 2010, 04:31:08 PM
(http://img716.imageshack.us/img716/1574/fishyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.jpg)
 (http://img716.imageshack.us/i/fishyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.jpg/)

Photoshop, duh!  ::)
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Avid Reader on December 14, 2010, 06:23:28 PM
Photoshop, duh!  ::)

Ah shei'le?:)  Just some humor - mockery out of a sad situation.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: regalhome on December 21, 2010, 03:05:09 PM
Since  more and more Seniors are texting and tweeting, there appears to be
a need for a STC (Senior Texting Code)...
 
ATD:  At The Doctor's
BFF: Best Friend Farted
BTW: Bring The  Wheelchair
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered By  Medicare
CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center
DWI: Driving  While Incontinent
FWB: Friend With Beta Blockers
FWIW: Forgot  Where I Was
FYI: Found Your Insulin
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker  Battery Low!
GHA: Got Heartburn Again
HGBM: Had Good Bowel  Movement
IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO: Laughing My  Dentures Out
LOL: Living On Lipitor
LWO: Lawrence Welk's  On
OMMR: On My Massage Recliner
OMSG: Oh My! Sorry,  Gas.
ROFL... CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing... And Can't Get  Up
TTYL: Talk To You  Louder
WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?
WTFA: Wet The Furniture  Again
WTP: Where's The Prunes?
WWNO: Walker Wheels Need  Oil
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on December 21, 2010, 05:04:19 PM
Moish: Yankel? What are you doing these days?

Yankel: Nothing really.

Moish*: Come on, you must be doing something...

Yankel: Actually, I had a fire, my place burned down and I'm waiting to receive $500,000 from the insurance. And you Moish, what do you do?

Moish: Nothing much.

Yankel: Come on, I also told you...

Moish: Alright, my house is in ruins after a tornado passed, and I'm expecting $1,000,000 from the insurance any day.

Yankel: Moish, I know how to arrange a fire, but how do you setup a tornado?


* all names are fictional, and similarities with real life persons are coincidental.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on December 21, 2010, 05:07:22 PM
Whats the difference between a bochur and a yingerman?



A bochur eats his chulent thursdays, fridays and shabbes.

A yingerman eats his chulent Shabbes, sundays and mondays.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: regalhome on December 21, 2010, 05:09:58 PM
Moish: Yankel? What are you doing these days?

Yankel: Nothing really.

Moish: Come on, you must be doing something...

Yankel: Actually, I had a fire, my place burned down and I'm waiting to receive $500,000 from the insurance. And you Moish, what do you do?

Moish: Nothing much.

Yankel: Come on, I also told you...

Moish: Alright, my house is in ruins after a tornado passed, and I'm expecting $1,000,000 from the insurance any day.

Yankel: Moish, I know how to arrange a fire, but how do you setup a tornado?

SF that was nice to be so personal
http://www.dansdeals.com/forums/index.php?topic=4642.0 (http://www.dansdeals.com/forums/index.php?topic=4642.0)
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on December 21, 2010, 05:45:12 PM
SF that was nice to be so personal
http://www.dansdeals.com/forums/index.php?topic=4642.0 (http://www.dansdeals.com/forums/index.php?topic=4642.0)

Alright, to make it up, here, another joke.


A guy who came collecting to the same person, got on his yearly visit a $100.

This year however, he only got $99.

So the collector asked, why do you give me less this year, what changed.

Donator: I heard a lot of negative things about the organization for which you are collecting, so I decided to stop giving to them.

In afterthought, I realized that it is not fair that you would need to lose out on your commission, hence the $99.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Q274 on December 21, 2010, 11:11:43 PM
sorry for such a long joke but i thought it was funny

BIRTH ORDER OF CHILDREN
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
_____________________________________________________
Preparing for the Birth:
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.
__________________________________________ ____________
The Layette:
1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color-coordinate and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
______________________________________________________
Worries:
1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick up the baby
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.
______________________________________________________
Pacifier:
1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.
2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.
______________________________________________________
Diapering:
1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.
2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed.
3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.
_______________________________________________________
Activities
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, Baby Zoo, Baby Movies and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaners.
_____________________________ _________________________
Going Out:
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.
______________________________________________________
At Home:
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children
______________________________________________________
Swallowing Coins (a favorite):
1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays
2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass.
3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance!
________________________________________________ ______
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Q274 on December 21, 2010, 11:13:05 PM
 Subject: Fw: Puns for Educated Minds     
1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.  He acquired his size from too much pi.
2.  I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3.  She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still..
4.  A teacher confiscated a rubber band pistol during algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5.  No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
6.  A dog who gave birth to puppies near the road was cited for littering.
7.  A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
 8.  Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10.  Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11.  Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12.  Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
13.  I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
14.  A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center reads: 'Keep off the Grass.'
15.  The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
16.  The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran. 
17.  A backward poet writes inverse.   
18.  In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
19.  When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion. 
20.  If you jumped off the bridge in Paris you'd be in Seine .   
21.  A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.' 
22.  Two fish swim into a concrete wall.  One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'
23  Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
24  Two hydrogen atoms meet.  One says, 'I've lost my electron.'
 The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'   
25.  Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root  canal? His goal: transcend dental medication. 
26.  There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.  No pun in ten did.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Q274 on December 21, 2010, 11:15:44 PM
I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.
 
I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'
 
'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.
 
'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.
 
'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I must spend my time  trying to stay alive.'
 
'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.
'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'
 
'Well, I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you to dinner with my husband and me tonight.'
 
The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for that.  I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'
 
I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she  gives up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Q274 on December 21, 2010, 11:17:36 PM
Did I read that sign right?
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW


In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT


In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS


In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN


In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD


Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?


Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS


Spotted in a safari park:(I sure hope so)
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR


Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR


Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.


Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS


On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Q274 on December 21, 2010, 11:18:31 PM
How to keep a woman happy.... Priceless!



It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:

1. A friend
2. A companion
3. A lover
4. A brother
5. A father
6. A master
7. A chef
8. An electrician
9. A carpenter
10. A plumber
11. A mechanic
12. A decorator
13. A stylist
14. An architect
15. A doctor
16. A psychologist
17. A pest exterminator
18. A psychiatrist
19. A healer
20. A good listener
21. An organizer
22. A good father
23. Very clean
24. Sympathetic
25. Athletic
26. Warm
27. Attentive
28. Gallant
29. Intelligent
30. Funny
31. Creative
32. Tender
33. Strong
34. Understanding
35. Tolerant
36. Prudent
37. Ambitious
38. Capable
39. Courageous
40. Determined
41. True
42. Dependable
43. Passionate
44. Compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. Give her compliments regularly
46. Love shopping
47. Be honest
48. Be very rich
49. Not stress her out
50. Not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53.Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes



HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY ???



1. Leave him alone  !!!!
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Q274 on December 21, 2010, 11:21:04 PM

 
: Sick Leave
I urgently needed a few days off work, but, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.

 I thought that maybe if I acted 'Crazy' then he would tell me to take a few days off.

 So I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

 My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.

 I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss might think I was 'Crazy' and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, 'What in the name of good GOD are you doing?'

 I told him I was a light bulb.

 He said, 'You are clearly stressed out.' Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.'
I jumped down and walked out of the office...
When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her,
 '..And where do you think you're going?!'

 (You're gonna love this....)
 
 
 
 
 
 

 She said, 'I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Mikeoracle on December 22, 2010, 09:54:00 PM

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES


1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO

  HOLD THE VEGETABLES   WHILE YOU CHOP.

 

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING

THE SINK.

 

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A

FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A

TIMER.

 

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM

ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

 

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE

AFRAID TO COUGH.

 

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE

AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

 

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on January 05, 2011, 03:28:04 AM
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about
achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these
questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:

H-A -R -D-W-O -R -K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

*And*

K -N -O -W-L -E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5= 96%

A-T -T -I -T -U -D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

MOST IMPORTANTLY!!!
B -U -L -L -S -H-I-(F) -T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that While 'Hard work'
and *Knowledge will get you close, and 'Attitude' will get you there,
it’s the **Bullshift** *that will put you over the top.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea s
Post by: elikay on January 05, 2011, 12:26:38 PM
Wow! get those gematrias rolling!
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on January 08, 2011, 03:46:34 PM
63 pakistanis died in London this morning. 
It was not a terrorist attack ,a bunk bed collapsed.
The police are blaming ikea.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on January 08, 2011, 03:47:52 PM
I hired an Irish Suicide Bomber the other day,

he said i can pay him when the jobs done.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on January 08, 2011, 03:48:32 PM
Moshe: I was gonna commit suicide using 100 aspirins.
Yankel: So what happened?

Moshe: After 2 I felt much better!
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: ? on January 08, 2011, 08:16:39 PM
did you hear about the 80 year lady who became pregnant?

She hit the wrong button when she called kupat ha-ir
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: arie on January 09, 2011, 02:44:13 AM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GDSY-DExM0I&feature=player_embedded (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GDSY-DExM0I&feature=player_embedded)
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Chaikel on January 10, 2011, 03:33:59 AM
http://www.ovguide.com/video/fiddler-on-the-roof-you-got-served-trailer-mashup-922ca39ce10036ba0e1176714ec916f8
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Avid Reader on January 10, 2011, 03:39:20 AM
Why was Shloime Hamelech the smartest man that ever lived: He was able to put up with 1000 shvigers.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on January 13, 2011, 07:07:14 PM
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Yaalili on January 16, 2011, 01:43:01 PM
Chanukah Joke (sorry a bit late...)

Q: What is the difference between the Oil of Chanukah, and Oil of Morrocan's?

A: The Oil of Chanukah was supposed to be for one day and it lasted for eight, however the other oil was enought for eight days, and only lasted for one :)
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: beej on January 16, 2011, 01:59:39 PM
bad request error after posting?
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on January 17, 2011, 05:20:28 PM
One day my mother was out, and my dad was in charge of me.

I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my favourite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my mom came home.

My dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' Mom waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy; and she watched him drink it up.

Then she said, (as only a mother would know), "'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water, is the toilet!"
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Avid Reader on January 18, 2011, 11:35:25 AM
This guy Yankel is late for work as usual and is running out of the house to catch the bus to work. As he gets to the bus stop the bus is pulling away. Yankel screams wait wait but the bus just keeps driving, so Yankel chases the bus to the next stop, but just misses the bus again. He keeps chasing the bus and keeps missing it until he finally arrives to work by foot.
When he came home that day he screams to his wife, Leah, I saved $2.50 today. His wife asks how did you manage to do that, and Yankel explains that he missed the bus and kept chasing it until he got to work. His wife listens and says, Yankel, you're such a Chuchem, if you would have chased a taxi and you would have saved $25!
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Chaikel on January 30, 2011, 03:53:35 PM
I wish someone would open up a restaurant called I don't care, so I can finally go to the place my wife is always talking about.
--Nick Thune
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: ? on January 30, 2011, 08:01:32 PM
reminds me of a friend of mine who always says he will name his kid "your name here"
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: ? on January 30, 2011, 11:37:51 PM
True story: my wife has a bjs card with her picture on it, I called bjs and I asked the csr if I can use her card I would bring identification and even a marriage license. The lady thinks for a second and says "yeah should be ok as long as your wife is with you"   
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Mikeoracle on February 01, 2011, 12:50:22 PM
(HT "Marathon man" on FT- I just had to post it ;D )

You know you're "in it" when...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

when your spouse, friends, family, GF, BF, etc tell you that all you talk about is miles and points

when you are late for work because of something to do with miles and points

when you are late for dinner because you are on the phone with a bank or credit card customer service department

when you almost care more about the promo and the promo on top of that more than what it actually gives you

when you know more airport codes and more about the planes than the people who work for the airline

when you know the airline staff by name and they know you

when you know the customs people in different countries due to MRs

when you actually got in shape carrying boxes of coins

when you talk to people in person not in here and still say CC and GC when referring to 'credit card' and 'gift card'

when you have a friend tell ya "I owe you a beer" and when he's about to pay you kinda cringe a bit because now HE is getting to earn the miles on his CC, not you

when you take a date out and purposely choose an IDINE place to eat and then even if the date doesn't go well you tell your friends, "well, at least I got 3x miles"

when you stop GETTING dates BECAUSE of miles

when you meet someone who is INTO miles and live happily ever after

when 20,000/night SPG points is not a big deal anymore

when gold status is not enough on AA. You are headed toward platinum and expect to make it soon (or are already there)

when you have had to have conversations with bank managers about things that would have petrified your parents because in their day no one ever did this sort of thing without it being illegal

when you wish you could tell someone--your friends or co workers--about some of the cool processes you figured out and use to get miles but you burn quietly inside at the fact that none of them will ever get it

when you actually do get one of them to get it

when having a $25,000+ CC bill is a GOOD thing

when the stack of CCs you have in your home office is thicker than a brick

when you migrate from mere miles to EQMs and only work in first and business class and status-based travel even if you rarely ever travel for business to begin with

when X time has passed and you can once again apply for another card to get a bonus

more?

Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: mancunian on February 01, 2011, 03:00:31 PM
how long is a chinese name?
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Cholentfresser on February 01, 2011, 03:09:03 PM
How Long is a chinese name.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on February 02, 2011, 09:53:21 AM
ITS GRAMBO!!!

&NR=1
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Dan on February 03, 2011, 11:51:50 AM
Saw this making the rounds..

Dear Egyptian rioters, please don't damage the pyramids. We will not rebuild. Thank you.
-The Jews.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: MOSES on February 04, 2011, 12:35:16 AM
Here is a good one.

What do you call 50 guys watching the Superbowl at home?







The jets!
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: regalhome on February 04, 2011, 08:36:42 AM
Why did the chicken cross the road?

SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!

BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for change! The chicken wanted change!

JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled
about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the
road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a NEW CAR so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth? That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, That chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the Liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side.' That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish it's lifelong dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2010, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2010. This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Avid Reader on February 04, 2011, 12:47:00 PM
Loved the chicken one!!  ;D ;D
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on February 06, 2011, 04:34:55 PM
A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is
coming to visit with his wife.

"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301


There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow , push button 301.

I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and

with your elbow , push 3.


When you get out, I'm on the left.

With your elbow , hit my doorbell."

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my
elbow?

 

"Vaat . . . .. .. You coming empty handed?"
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on February 06, 2011, 04:36:42 PM
Latest news from Egypt: ??? ??? ??? ???? ???? ???? ??? ??? ??? ???? ???? ???? ??? ??? ??? ???? ???? ???? I will keep you all informed if anything else changes...
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Chaikel on February 07, 2011, 06:28:04 PM

(For those who get it)
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Dan on February 08, 2011, 02:51:41 AM
[ Invalid YouTube link ]
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: smurf on February 08, 2011, 02:59:13 PM
[ Invalid YouTube link ]
Those guys are hilarious
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: whYME on February 08, 2011, 10:19:48 PM
Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of  you have forgiven your enemies?"

80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, an avid golfer named Walter Barnes, who attended church only when the weather was bad.
 
"Mr. Barnes, it's obviously not a good morning for golf. It's good to see you here today. Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any," he replied gruffly.

"Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-eight," he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.

"Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the  world?"

The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply, "I outlived all the sons-of-bitches."
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: ? on February 08, 2011, 11:38:39 PM
 WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE - I'M BROKE!  A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day,  to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.  'Good  morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple  minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners...  ' 'Go away!' said the old lady. ''I'm broke and haven't got any money!'' and she proceeded to close the door.  Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed  it wide open... ''Don't be too hasty!'' he said.  ''Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.''  And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.  ''Now, if this  vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat  the remainder.''  The old lady stepped back and said, ''Well, let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning." 
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: AsherO on February 08, 2011, 11:46:36 PM
WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE - I'M BROKE!  A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day,  to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.  'Good  morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple  minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners...  ' 'Go away!' said the old lady. ''I'm broke and haven't got any money!'' and she proceeded to close the door.  Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed  it wide open... ''Don't be too hasty!'' he said.  ''Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.''  And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.  ''Now, if this  vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat  the remainder.''  The old lady stepped back and said, ''Well, let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning." 

Gross.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Cholentfresser on February 08, 2011, 11:49:02 PM
ROTFL
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on February 09, 2011, 01:13:02 AM
@ ashero: it happened to mrs gross or the guy at the door was mr gross?


Someone posted the same joke with a slightly different nussach earlier in this thread.

This happens when you don't pig (chazer)...
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Avid Reader on February 09, 2011, 11:08:05 AM

Someone posted the same joke with a slightly different nussach earlier in this thread.


It was last weeks chullent in the other joke.



This happens when you don't pig (chazer)...

When you don't what??
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: aussiebochur on February 09, 2011, 08:11:24 PM
When you don't what??
Revise the thread...
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: whYME on February 09, 2011, 08:46:24 PM
Revise the thread...
and by revise I assume you mean review...
(thanks for the explanation though, I totally didn't get it...)
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: daastorah on February 09, 2011, 09:35:29 PM
For those of you learning smicha:

A restaurant had a sign "kosher lechol hadeyos"

The entree was pochos mikashiur
The soup-aino ben yomo
The main course-nifsal meachilas kelev
The dessert-noysen taam lefgam
And the bill a hefsed merubo
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on February 10, 2011, 03:36:26 AM
If I have to explain myself:

If someone doesn't "chazer" the threads they post on, they end up posting something that was written before
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on February 10, 2011, 08:06:30 AM
Can u spare just $2? Ahmed is a 24yr old muslim man in ramalah. He has one leg, one arm and one eye. Each day he has to ride 7 miles for water along a narrow road on a rusty bike with bent wheels, no brakes and only one pedal. If you send us just $2, we will send you the dvd- its hilarious
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: YOSEF on February 10, 2011, 08:21:17 AM
Which pedal and which leg?
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Avid Reader on February 10, 2011, 12:22:20 PM
True story from a cousin of mine:

Just before sunset today, my son was praying the Mincha (afternoon) prayer, reading it from his Ipod. Mohamed's 6 YO D's son walks up to him to say something, my son continues his quiet prayer. My other son explains that he is praying, talking to God.
Mohamed's son: "On the telephone?"
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Chaikel on February 10, 2011, 01:12:33 PM
Egypt's ruling party head said he expects Mubarak to step aside tonight. How epic would it be if he did so in pajamas?
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: twentie4hrs on February 10, 2011, 01:27:50 PM
I need a new rear end because mine has a crack in it
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Chaikel on February 10, 2011, 10:20:36 PM
http://www.didthecavswinlastnight.com/ (sorry, Dan)
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Dan on February 10, 2011, 10:30:04 PM
http://www.didthecavswinlastnight.com/ (sorry, Dan)
Yup, saw that earlier.
I also was at last night's record setting 26th consecutive loss, tied for the most consecutive losses in the history of professional sports.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: moish on February 10, 2011, 11:02:19 PM
does the owner still think that the cavs will win a championship before the heat?
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: whYME on February 10, 2011, 11:54:10 PM
Having arrived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait. Just then he happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm. The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm. Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his throat. Then he went about his fishing.

An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pant leg. Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms in his mouth
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: smurf on February 11, 2011, 02:07:44 AM
Having arrived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait. Just then he happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm. The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm. Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his throat. Then he went about his fishing.

An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pant leg. Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms in his mouth
sounds like a superbowl beer commercial :)
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Dan on February 11, 2011, 11:29:17 AM
sounds like a superbowl beer commercial :)
+1 :D
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Dan on February 11, 2011, 04:22:49 PM
http://www.didthecavswinlastnight.com/ (sorry, Dan)
Along the same theme:
http://www.onionsportsnetwork.com/articles/kids-in-scaredstraight-program-visit-horrifying-cl,19156/
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: yeshivaman on February 12, 2011, 08:47:38 PM
check it, the cavs won!!!!!
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Avid Reader on February 15, 2011, 08:49:49 PM
Woman to teenager on the couch: "I don't think that's what the recipe meant by 'chill an hour before serving.'"
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: mancunian on February 15, 2011, 09:15:01 PM
Once there was a small village in Belarus which owned a cow. This cow, baruch Hashem, provided milk plentifully to the entire town, and they were even able to sell milk to the surrounding villages to bring in extra money. With this great asset in the community, they were able to provide their children with milk and live nicely.

One unfortunate day, the cow died. A town meeting was held, and the unanimous decision was to replace the cow. A delegation was sent all the way to Minsk to arrange the purchase of a new cow, which was transported back to Belarus.

Thank G d, this cow filled its predessesor's shoes and filled the buckets with milk, once again allowing for the community to live in peace and tranquility. However, they had not quite recovered from the recent events, and were worried as to the inevitable eventuality that this cow, as well, would one day pass away.

The elders of the community found it wise to arrange for more cows, to prevent this issue from reoccurring. They would get a bull, so to never encounter such a predicament again.

And so the day came to pass, when the whole town stood around to watch the events unfold. The bull approached the cow, but unfortunately it's mate showed no interest, and the plan seemed unsuccessful. The townspeople grew nervous as the bull again approached the cow, yet the cow clearly displayed it's disinterest.

So they went to the Rav of the community, and asked his advice. After hearing the events, the Rav asked, "Might the cow be from Minsk?"
"Why yes, how did you know?"
"Mayn vaib iz oich fun Minsk"
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Dan on February 18, 2011, 12:07:09 PM
http://www.theonion.com/video/apple-fans-chopping-off-hands-in-anticipation-of-n,19084/

C'mon Apple fanbois...your fearless leader says you'll like it ;)
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: lubaby on February 19, 2011, 10:00:50 PM
Greatest Justin Bieber moment!!
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: lubaby on February 20, 2011, 01:20:43 AM
In 8 months Google will be 13 years old, when it becomes a teenager, it won't answer anything.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on February 20, 2011, 04:39:42 AM
Once there was a small village in Belarus which owned a cow. This cow, baruch Hashem, provided milk plentifully to the entire town, and they were even able to sell milk to the surrounding villages to bring in extra money. With this great asset in the community, they were able to provide their children with milk and live nicely.

One unfortunate day, the cow died. A town meeting was held, and the unanimous decision was to replace the cow. A delegation was sent all the way to Minsk to arrange the purchase of a new cow, which was transported back to Belarus.

Thank G d, this cow filled its predessesor's shoes and filled the buckets with milk, once again allowing for the community to live in peace and tranquility. However, they had not quite recovered from the recent events, and were worried as to the inevitable eventuality that this cow, as well, would one day pass away.

The elders of the community found it wise to arrange for more cows, to prevent this issue from reoccurring. They would get a bull, so to never encounter such a predicament again.

And so the day came to pass, when the whole town stood around to watch the events unfold. The bull approached the cow, but unfortunately it's mate showed no interest, and the plan seemed unsuccessful. The townspeople grew nervous as the bull again approached the cow, yet the cow clearly displayed it's disinterest.

So they went to the Rav of the community, and asked his advice. After hearing the events, the Rav asked, "Might the cow be from Minsk?"
"Why yes, how did you know?"
"Mayn vaib iz oich fun Minsk"

Minsk is in Belarus, but still cute.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: mancunian on February 21, 2011, 09:26:30 PM
So in the city of Minsk in Belarus there was once a man who had a cow. Every day he would give his cow some milk to drink, and every day he would milk it as well.
Someone once asked, "How much milk does your cow drink each day?" To which he replied,
"I give her ten gallons each day, and she's as healthy as ever."
"And how many gallons do you milk from her each day?"
"Ten gallons, just about."
"So your not gaining anything!?!!"
"No no. The cow drinks cholov akum, and it comes out cholov yisroel"
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Jakob on February 22, 2011, 12:49:23 AM
I think we got our jokes from the same place.

One day, the Einsatzgruppen death squad of the Waffen SS arrived at a little Ukranian shtetl and rounded up the Jews to be shot. As the SS lined the Jews against the wall, the rabbi raised his hand to ask a question. The rabbi's wife scolded him. "Shhh, don't make things worse."
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: ChAiM'l on February 22, 2011, 01:42:22 AM
Not funny...
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Jakob on February 22, 2011, 02:09:35 AM
It's funny, in a very messed up and sad way.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: farmerjoe on February 22, 2011, 08:33:16 AM
Three men are about to be executed, an Italian, a Frenchman and a Jew.  They ask each of them to choose their last meal
They ask the Italian, “What do you want?’
The Italian says, “Pasta primavera!  I love pasta primavera!”  So they bring him the pasta.  He eats it, and they shoot him.
They say to the Frenchman, “What do you like?”
The Frenchman says, “Filet mignon.”  They bring him a huge filet mignon and he eats it.  They shoot him.
 They say to the Jew,  “Well, what would you like to eat for your last meal?”
 The  Jew says, “ Strawberries.”
 “Strawberries?  We don’t have any strawberries.  They’re out of  season.”
The Jew says, “Eh, I’ll wait.” ;D
 
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Jakob on February 22, 2011, 12:54:05 PM
Hahahaha
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: mancunian on February 22, 2011, 03:25:02 PM
i didnt get the not funny one ???

Three men get stranded on a cannibal island, an Englishman, a Frenchman and a Jew. They are about to be executed and eaten, their flesh made into canoes.  They ask each of them to choose their form of execution.
They ask the Englishman, “What do you want?'
The Englishman says, "I would like an honerable death by sword." He screams out, "G d save the queen!" and they execute him.
They ask the Frenchman, “What do you want?'
The Frenchman says, "Pistol." He cries, "Viva la France!" and they shoot him.
They ask the Jew, “What do you want?’
The Jew says, "By fork."
So they give him a fork and he starts stabbing himself all over, stabbing and poking and stabbing.
They scream out, "Wait! What are you doing?!?!"
The Jew says, "F*** your canoes"
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: daastorah on February 22, 2011, 06:28:34 PM
When I was born, I was BLACK ,
When I grew up, I was BLACK ,
When I went in the sun, I stayed BLACK,
When I got cold, I was BLACK ,
When I was scared, I was BLACK ,
When I was sick, I was BLACK ,
And when I die, I'll still be BLACK .

NOW, You 'white' folks....
When you're born, you're PINK,
When you grow-up, you're WHITE ,
When you go in the sun, you get RED,
When you're cold, you turn BLUE,
When you're scared, you're YELLOW,
When you get sick, you're GREEN
When you bruise, you turn PURPLE ,
And when you die, you look GRAY.
So who y'all be callin'
COLORED Folks?
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on February 23, 2011, 03:37:36 AM
When you take a long time, you're slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.
When you don't do it, you're lazy.
When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.
When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.
When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.
When you take a stand, you're being pig-headed.
When your boss does it, he's being firm.
When you overlooked a rule of ettiquette, you're being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.
When you please your boss, you're licking on.
When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative.
When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.
When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.
When your boss has a day off sick, he must be very ill.
When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on February 24, 2011, 11:12:12 AM
Welcome to our century:

Our communication - Wireless

Our phones - Cordless

Our cooking - Fireless

Our food - Fatless

Our sweets - Sugarless

Our labor - Effortless

Our relations - Fruitless

Our attitude - Careless

Our feelings - Heartless

Our politics - Shameless

Our education - Worthless

Our mistakes - Countless

Our arguments - Baseless

Our youth - Jobless

Our jobs - Thankless

Our needs - Endless

Our situation - Hopeless

Our salaries - Less and less.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: MarkS on February 24, 2011, 01:37:16 PM
ADHD stands for:

Attention Deficit ................Hey,  ...............Donuts!!     
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: mancunian on February 24, 2011, 05:03:05 PM
wanna go ride bikes?
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: lubaby on February 24, 2011, 08:50:02 PM
So I met this Watermelon once..........
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Chaikel on March 06, 2011, 03:03:34 PM
Not really a joke...
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: MOSES on March 07, 2011, 08:42:08 AM
Not really a joke...

LOL
I think I have heard that before while watching some sport....
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on March 14, 2011, 03:13:41 PM
Don't send any money in for the tokyo tsunami appeal, they are loaded,
I have just seen a guy on tv getting interviewed outside his house and he has two massive boats on his driveway ...
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: chuchem on March 16, 2011, 12:14:46 PM
Real estate in Japan went up, all houses have a sea view now
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: whYME on March 16, 2011, 02:54:51 PM
A friend of mine bought a pair of shoes. On the label it said made in japan found in san Francisco ...
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: mordylich on March 18, 2011, 02:38:29 PM
A brisker who jumped from the 13th floor, awakes 6 month later in the hospital.
First thing they ask him: why did you jump?
Brisker: I had a chashash I was from zera amolaik
Perfect! Happy Purim!
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: whYME on March 18, 2011, 02:56:57 PM
Dear Students,
I'm not stupid. I know when you're texting in class. No one looks at their crotch and smiles.
Sincerely, Your Teacher
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: whYME on March 24, 2011, 01:49:49 AM
http://www.theonion.com/video/cias-facebook-program-dramatically-cut-agencys-cos,19753/ (http://www.theonion.com/video/cias-facebook-program-dramatically-cut-agencys-cos,19753/)
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Dan on March 24, 2011, 02:03:14 AM
http://www.theonion.com/video/cias-facebook-program-dramatically-cut-agencys-cos,19753/ (http://www.theonion.com/video/cias-facebook-program-dramatically-cut-agencys-cos,19753/)
ROFL
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: smurf on March 24, 2011, 02:07:22 AM
ROFL
+1
They're very good
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: whYME on March 26, 2011, 11:30:37 PM
Solution to the problem in Libya :
 

They want a new Muslim leader, I say, give them ours.
 

Solves 2 problems.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: whYME on March 30, 2011, 11:14:27 PM
Today's "seen on facebook" picks:

ס'דערמאנסטו מיך אזוי: א אינגערמאן האט געוואלט מהנה זיין די ווייב, האט ער געקויפט לכבוד יו"ט א שירצל מיט די ווערטער אויפגענייט 'הלילה הזה שתי פעמים...' זי האטזעך נישט פארלוירן און אים סופרייזט מיט א נייע שלאף קאפעל "אפילו פעם אחת אויך נישט" - דפ


"don't u find it ironic that fish r now eating dead raw Japanese ppl "
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Yordai Dooma on March 30, 2011, 11:18:12 PM
Today's "seen on facebook" picks:

ס'דערמאנסטו מיך אזוי: א אינגערמאן האט געוואלט מהנה זיין די ווייב, האט ער געקויפט לכבוד יו"ט א שירצל מיט די ווערטער אויפגענייט 'הלילה הזה שתי פעמים...' זי האטזעך נישט פארלוירן און אים סופרייזט מיט א נייע שלאף קאפעל "אפילו פעם אחת אויך נישט" - דפ


"don't u find it ironic that fish r now eating dead raw Japanese ppl "

For those who speak english, here is the translation by google:

"It dermanstu Me So: A ingerman wished pleasing the woman, he bought dignity iu"t an apron with the words aoyfgeneyt 'night that two times ... " She hatzekh not lost and it sprays with a new sofa cable "even once one also not" - Page"
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: ChAiM'l on March 31, 2011, 05:03:59 PM
Job at the FBI 

 

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. 

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done,

There were 3 finalists;


 

Two men and a woman.


For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door

And handed him a gun.


'We must know that you will follow your instructions

No matter what the circumstances.


Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair .. . . Kill her!!'


The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.'


The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job.

Take your wife and go home.'


The second man was given the same instructions.


He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes.


The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.'

The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'



Finally, it was the woman's turn.

She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband.

She took the gun and went into the room.

Shots were heard, one after another.  They heard screaming, crashing,


 

Banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.

The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.



'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 

'I had to beat him to death with the chair.'



MORAL:



Women are crazy. Don't mess with them
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Avid Reader on April 01, 2011, 02:46:59 AM




Women are crazy. Don't mess with them

Ouch.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Avid Reader on April 01, 2011, 02:49:15 AM
NOTE: This joke is for men ONLY. If you're a women, please don't look ;)


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

MALE V FEMALE AT THE ATM

A new sign in the Bank reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are
requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'
*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:

1... Drive up to the ATM.

2. LOWER your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Raise window.

7. Drive off.

************************* ******
FEMALE PROCEDURE:


1. Drive up to ATM machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

3. Put hand brake on, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on mobile phone you will call them back and hang up.

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

11. Enter PIN .

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.

17. Write debit amount in cheque book and place receipt in back of it.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to ATM machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card
holder, and place card into the slot provided.

23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and drive off.

25. Redial person on mobile phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 kilometres.

27. Release Hand Brake.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: MOSES on April 03, 2011, 10:33:01 PM
Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup? Not every one can mash potatoes.

 
THE FAMOUS ONE! :)
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Avid Reader on April 04, 2011, 06:25:17 AM
THE FAMOUS ONE! :)
+1 now we know his 'Yichus'.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Avid Reader on April 04, 2011, 06:29:28 AM
(Especially for MOSES)

Q)What's wrong with a women being part of a Mezuman? After all you sat and ate at the same table.

A) No matter how much 'mezuman' you give a women, it will never be enough...
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Dan on April 04, 2011, 12:25:38 PM
+1 now we know his 'Yichus'.
And the logic behind his username...
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Avid Reader on April 04, 2011, 01:38:37 PM
And the logic behind his username...

I took a look at his profile and it seems he can be my great grandfather several times over ;D

Quote
Posts:
    2 (0.002 per day)
Gender:
    Male
Age:
    1920
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: MarkS on April 05, 2011, 11:54:40 PM
A new supermarket opened near me. It has an automatic water misting device to keep produce fresh. Just before it turns on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the dairy case, you hear cows moo, and you experience the scent of fresh cut hay.

In the meat department, there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks and brats.

In the liquor department, the fresh, clean, crisp smell of tapped Miller Lite.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on April 07, 2011, 08:02:01 PM
A guy comes into a fancy kosher restaurant in NY ??Asks for the specials of the day, ??Entrecote is amazing, but 65 USD per person, ?What?? That is crazy, no sir don't worry most of our benefit goes to israel, ??so he orders, and same thing for all the other dished, ??Chocolate cake 25 USD ??But since it is all for Israel...., ??then he asks for the bill ??and the waiter calls the owner in the back of the restaurant: ??''Israel, please bring the gentleman his bill''
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on April 07, 2011, 08:02:28 PM
An Anti-Semite walks into a bar and sees a Jew so he walks over to the bartender and orders an expensive drink for everyone except for the JEW,

He looks at the Jew and sees the Jew is smiling so he goes and buys another  round for everyone except for the Jew and the Jew is still smiling.

So he walks over to the bartender and asks him what's with that Jew is he an
idiot  or something ..

Oh no, he's the owner!!
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: MOSES on April 10, 2011, 03:53:39 AM
&feature=player_embedded#at=194
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea s
Post by: Crazy tools on April 13, 2011, 01:56:31 AM
A lady was moving the couch to clean it for pesach, her friend asked her, "why don't you wait for your husband to come home?" she replied, "its easier to move it without someone sitting on it!"
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on April 13, 2011, 04:25:25 AM
Msg: URGENT: While scrubbing, please have in mind the name Yom Tov Pesach ben Ahoover Shpritzer. Undergoing a major cleaning operation. Pass on.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Avid Reader on April 28, 2011, 12:51:06 AM
Got this text message before Pesach:

A new Kol Koreh is being passed around urging people not to put Mr Clean in the same closet together with Lady Fingers. Sofek Yichud.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Dan on April 29, 2011, 04:43:13 PM
Oldie but goodie:


Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Avid Reader on May 01, 2011, 02:41:31 AM
Duckling chases dog (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iRppL-t_qzQ&feature=player_embedded)
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: AsherO on May 01, 2011, 03:26:30 AM
Duckling chases dog (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iRppL-t_qzQ&feature=player_embedded)

Poor dog, tzaar ba'alei chaim IMHO...
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: mancunian on May 01, 2011, 08:53:38 AM
Duckling chases dog (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iRppL-t_qzQ&feature=player_embedded)
officially a DDF member? (http://www.gruntig.net/2011/04/duck-bullies-dog.html)
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Avid Reader on May 01, 2011, 01:12:59 PM
officially a DDF member? (http://www.gruntig.net/2011/04/duck-bullies-dog.html)
Who, me or the duck?
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Yisha on May 02, 2011, 01:53:29 PM
Read it you'll like it (if you're fluent in Yiddish)
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Avid Reader on May 02, 2011, 08:48:08 PM
Read it you'll like it (if you're fluent in Yiddish)
Nice!
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on May 03, 2011, 10:25:18 AM
Askanim in pakistan are overwhelmed from the load of work, 12 almona's 180 yesoimim, that's a hell of a lot of shiva chairs.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on May 03, 2011, 10:30:25 AM
?איינער ווייסט אפשר ווי די נטורא קרתא זיצן שבעה
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Chaikel on May 03, 2011, 01:02:53 PM
My 6 year old sister asked my mother yesterday if Esav looked like Elmo
(True story)
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: mendoul on May 03, 2011, 02:26:56 PM
so funny video!! every body must watched!!!!!
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: AsherO on May 04, 2011, 01:03:49 AM
so funny video!! every body must watched!!!!!


+100 extremely funny, thanks for sharing.

Even funnier if you get all the Israeli nuances.

This one (from the same source) is ingenious as well:

Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on May 17, 2011, 01:10:23 PM
Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome Italy.
One has a Cross in front of him; the other one is holding the Star of David.
Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.
A priest comes by.  He stops to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who holds the Cross, but none give to the beggar holding the
Star of David.
Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand??
This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism.
People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of
David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who is
holding a Cross."
The beggar behind the 'Star of David' listened to the priest, turned to the beggar with the Cross and said: "Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing.”
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: henche on May 18, 2011, 02:50:23 PM
Video games ruined my life....
....good thing I have two more lives.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Q274 on May 20, 2011, 09:49:55 AM
How do you know when ashero logged onto ddf for the first time in the day?


If there is a new response on all the topics.

Lol

/joke
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Dan on May 20, 2011, 10:45:46 AM
Finish this one guys...

Q: How do you know when Y. Dinovitzer logged onto ddf for the first time in the day?
A:
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on May 21, 2011, 07:43:05 PM
@ Dan: A: when you feel that someone actually wants to be your* friend.

*(not you personally, but in general)
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Yordai Dooma on May 22, 2011, 01:34:08 PM
@ Dan: A: when you feel that someone actually wants to be your* friend.

*(not you personally, but in general)
+1000
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Chaikel on June 01, 2011, 06:12:11 PM
Friends calling to console Rev. Harold Camping were telling him "relax, it's not the end of the world"
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Avid Reader on June 01, 2011, 06:58:02 PM
It's easy to love 50 pounds in England.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Yaalili on June 03, 2011, 03:32:04 PM
A man got in a taxi cab to be driven to work. They were about to turn a corner, but had to wait for the light. The taxi cab driver wasn't sure his blinkers were working so he said to the man, "Will you look out the window and make sure my blinkers are working?"

As requested, the man stuck his head out the window and responded, "Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no..."
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Avid Reader on June 03, 2011, 07:52:04 PM
It's easy to love 50 pounds in England.
*It's easy to lose 50 pounds in England.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on June 13, 2011, 09:27:38 AM
Three men suddenly die and go to heaven: Achmadinejad, Osama Bin Laden, and Netanyahu. G-d grants each of them ONE wish.
 
Bin Ladin says, "That's easy; get rid of all the Shiites."
 
Achmadinejad's wish was "Get rid of all the Sunnis!"
 
G-d then turns to Netanyahu and asks, "Nu, what is your wish?" "Well," he replies, "if he gets what he wants, and he gets what he wants....I'll just have a diet Coke."
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: jj1000 on June 19, 2011, 12:47:10 PM
Defiantly the best series of pranks I have ever seen. Really the last three are the ones worth watching... so watch pranks 6, 7 and 8. you see a fake marriage proposal at a Yankees game, someone convinced they made a $500,000 shot, and finally the original guy convinced his  parachute doesn't work while skydiving.

 http://www.collegehumor.com/prankwar
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Yaalili on June 19, 2011, 03:04:31 PM
Defiantly the best series of pranks I have ever seen. Really the last three are the ones worth watching... so watch pranks 6, 7 and 8. you see a fake marriage proposal at a Yankees game, someone convinced they made a $500,000 shot, and finally the original guy convinced his  parachute doesn't work while skydiving.

 http://www.collegehumor.com/prankwar

The Yankee one was posted here before, very funny though.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: isaacs on June 20, 2011, 11:18:13 AM
[ Invalid YouTube link ]
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Sorce on June 20, 2011, 04:03:29 PM
Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup? Not every one can mash potatoes.

lol you totally screwed up the joke.

it makes no sense the way you wrote it. the punchline is anyone can mash potatoes.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: jj1000 on June 20, 2011, 07:10:52 PM
lol you totally screwed up the joke.

it makes no sense the way you wrote it. the punchline is anyone can mash potatoes.

HAHA +100. This reminds me of the famous parable when the naked king walks around in his new "beautiful" garb, and it takes one kid to say that he is actually naked. No one wants to admit they did not understand a joke...
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Sorce on June 20, 2011, 07:54:29 PM
HAHA +100. This reminds me of the famous parable when the naked king walks around in his new "beautiful" garb, and it takes one kid to say that he is actually naked. No one wants to admit they did not understand a joke...

haha, good analogy.  i should have pretended to ask for an explanation of the joke and seen if anyone tried to "explain" it to me instead of posting the correct punchline immediately.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: moish on June 20, 2011, 08:02:49 PM
i just assumed he meant anyone could pee in soup. granted, its not too funny, but neither are a lot of other ones
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: YOSEF on June 20, 2011, 08:03:49 PM
I still don't get it.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: ChAiM'l on June 21, 2011, 07:03:14 AM
I still don't get it.
+1
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: whYME on June 21, 2011, 01:36:00 PM
i just assumed he meant anyone could pee in soup. granted, its not too funny, but neither are a lot of other ones
+1

Now I don't get it...
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: moish on June 21, 2011, 07:37:47 PM
its easier to mash potatoes than pee soup
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Cholentfresser on June 21, 2011, 08:16:13 PM
this is getting a little stupid, IMHO.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: moish on June 21, 2011, 08:26:10 PM
this is getting a little stupid, IMHO.
you still dont get it?
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Cholentfresser on June 21, 2011, 08:51:43 PM
lol, its the oldest joke in the book, its been around before the dead sea got sick...
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: YOSEF on June 21, 2011, 10:21:39 PM
Who says it got sick?
Maybe someone shot it dead?
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Cholentfresser on June 21, 2011, 10:27:02 PM
Who says it got sick?
Maybe someone shot it dead?
well, obviously you weren't around then.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Yaalili on June 23, 2011, 09:51:36 PM
A pencil has the potential to draw a line 38 miles long.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: moish on June 23, 2011, 10:00:00 PM
A pencil has the potential to draw a line 38 miles long.
is that supposed to be a joke?
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Yaalili on June 23, 2011, 10:04:02 PM
is that supposed to be a joke?

More of like a snapple-fact kind of joke.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Yaalili on June 24, 2011, 11:56:19 AM
A boy had reached four without giving up the habit of sucking his thumb, though his mother had tried everything from bribery to reasoning to painting it with lemon juice to discourage the habit. Finally she tried threats, warning her son that, "If you don't stop sucking your thumb, your stomach is going to blow up like a balloon." Later that day, walking in the park, mother and son saw a pregnant woman sitting on a bench. The four-year-old considered her gravely for a minute, then spoke to her saying, "Uh-oh ... I know what you've been doing."
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Cholentfresser on June 24, 2011, 12:10:21 PM
that was yesterday's joke on 1saleaday...funny indeed;)
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: regalhome on June 28, 2011, 11:51:30 AM

NEW YORK - In an unusual display of unity, leaders of five Chasidic groups
today issued a joint statement in support of proposed state legislation to
allow same-sects marriages.
The groups represented were Belz, Pupa, Saatmar, Bobov, and Lubavitch.
 "Of course we want same-sects marriages," said Rabbi Wurzma Shtreimel, head
of the Belz movement. "A Belzer should marry only a Belzer. That makes
perfect sense."
 The other rabbis agreed.
 "If a Saatmar weds a Bobover, woe to their offspring," proclaimed Rabbi
Praymita Gartel of Saatmar. "What would their children be-Saatovers?? That's
totally unheard of."
 The rabbis shared concerns about the dilution of their individual groups
through intersect marriages.
 "The Tanya warns us," said Rabbi Mendy Pantz of Lubavitch. "If a
Lubavitcher marries outside his sect, his children lose half their heritage.
His son is not Lubavitch, just Vitch. And his grandson becomes a son of a
Vitch." At a separate news conference, Chasidic women expressed similar
concerns.
 "It's less confusing when our kind marry their own kind," said Rebbetzin
Donna Kittel, founder of a Pupa women's group, The Mamas and the Pupas.
 To prevent intersect marriages, Belz rebbetzin Gitta Kapotah announced the
formation of a new community matchmaking service, Wedding Belz.
 "We must protect our Belz," she said. "They're our family
jewels." Contacted by Mr. Richard Feder of Ft. Lee, N.J., Rebbetzin Emily
Littella of Bobov asked: "What's all this I hear about same-sox marriage?
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Cholentfresser on June 28, 2011, 01:14:42 PM
NEW YORK - In an unusual display of unity, leaders of five Chasidic groups
today issued a joint statement in support of proposed state legislation to
allow same-sects marriages.
The groups represented were Belz, Pupa, Saatmar, Bobov, and Lubavitch.
 "Of course we want same-sects marriages," said Rabbi Wurzma Shtreimel, head
of the Belz movement. "A Belzer should marry only a Belzer. That makes
perfect sense."
 The other rabbis agreed.
 "If a Saatmar weds a Bobover, woe to their offspring," proclaimed Rabbi
Praymita Gartel of Saatmar. "What would their children be-Saatovers?? That's
totally unheard of."
 The rabbis shared concerns about the dilution of their individual groups
through intersect marriages.
 "The Tanya warns us," said Rabbi Mendy Pantz of Lubavitch. "If a
Lubavitcher marries outside his sect, his children lose half their heritage.
His son is not Lubavitch, just Vitch. And his grandson becomes a son of a
Vitch." At a separate news conference, Chasidic women expressed similar
concerns.
 "It's less confusing when our kind marry their own kind," said Rebbetzin
Donna Kittel, founder of a Pupa women's group, The Mamas and the Pupas.
 To prevent intersect marriages, Belz rebbetzin Gitta Kapotah announced the
formation of a new community matchmaking service, Wedding Belz.
 "We must protect our Belz," she said. "They're our family
jewels." Contacted by Mr. Richard Feder of Ft. Lee, N.J., Rebbetzin Emily
Littella of Bobov asked: "What's all this I hear about same-sox marriage?
Lol
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Avid Reader on June 29, 2011, 11:19:12 PM
NEW YORK - In an unusual display of unity, leaders of five Chasidic groups
today issued a joint statement in support of proposed state legislation to
allow same-sects marriages.
The groups represented were Belz, Pupa, Saatmar, Bobov, and Lubavitch.
 "Of course we want same-sects marriages," said Rabbi Wurzma Shtreimel, head
of the Belz movement. "A Belzer should marry only a Belzer. That makes
perfect sense."
 The other rabbis agreed.
 "If a Saatmar weds a Bobover, woe to their offspring," proclaimed Rabbi
Praymita Gartel of Saatmar. "What would their children be-Saatovers?? That's
totally unheard of."
 The rabbis shared concerns about the dilution of their individual groups
through intersect marriages.
 "The Tanya warns us," said Rabbi Mendy Pantz of Lubavitch. "If a
Lubavitcher marries outside his sect, his children lose half their heritage.
His son is not Lubavitch, just Vitch. And his grandson becomes a son of a
Vitch." At a separate news conference, Chasidic women expressed similar
concerns.
 "It's less confusing when our kind marry their own kind," said Rebbetzin
Donna Kittel, founder of a Pupa women's group, The Mamas and the Pupas.
 To prevent intersect marriages, Belz rebbetzin Gitta Kapotah announced the
formation of a new community matchmaking service, Wedding Belz.
 "We must protect our Belz," she said. "They're our family
jewels." Contacted by Mr. Richard Feder of Ft. Lee, N.J., Rebbetzin Emily
Littella of Bobov asked: "What's all this I hear about same-sox marriage?
Lol...
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Q274 on July 05, 2011, 07:32:19 PM
behind every great man
is a woman rolling her eyes
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: jj1000 on July 06, 2011, 10:53:27 AM
You know the old philosophical question "If a tree falls in a forest and nobody hears it did it happen." The real question is. If a man speaks his mind in a forest, and no women hears him, is he still wrong?
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: whYME on July 06, 2011, 11:59:10 PM
Your dog's barking at the back door. Your wife's barking at the front.
Who do you let in?


Well, it's your call... but the dog'll stop barking when you let him in.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on July 23, 2011, 06:50:29 PM
A woman goes to see her Rabbi and asks, “Yankele and Yosele are both in love with me, who will be the lucky one?”
 
The wise old Rabbi answers, “Yankele will marry you. Yosele will be the lucky one.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on July 25, 2011, 10:28:42 AM
5 DEADLY TERMS USED BY A WOMAN! (1) FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when she knows she is right and you need to shut up. (2) NOTHING: means something & you need to be worried. (3) GO AHEAD: this is a dare, not permission , do not do it. (4) WHATEVER: A woman's way of saying screw you. (5) THAT'S OK: She is thinking long & hard on how and when you will pay for your mistake...
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Avid Reader on July 25, 2011, 10:38:48 AM
ROFL!

Where did you pick this one up?
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on July 25, 2011, 02:52:42 PM
From a married man obviously.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Smokey Joe Robinson on July 25, 2011, 08:03:42 PM
5 DEADLY TERMS USED BY A WOMAN! (1) FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when she knows she is right and you need to shut up. (2) NOTHING: means something & you need to be worried. (3) GO AHEAD: this is a dare, not permission , do not do it. (4) WHATEVER: A woman's way of saying screw you. (5) THAT'S OK: She is thinking long & hard on how and when you will pay for your mistake...
ROTFL
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Dan on July 27, 2011, 11:58:10 PM
"Rupert Murdoch says he was very touched by some of the messages left on Amy Winehouses phone..."
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: elikay on July 28, 2011, 12:01:44 AM
"Rupert Murdoch says he was very touched by some of the messages left on Amy Winehouses phone..."
:)
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: AsherO on July 28, 2011, 01:07:11 PM
"Rupert Murdoch says he was very touched by some of the messages left on Amy Winehouses phone..."

Ha!
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: jj1000 on August 04, 2011, 08:09:25 PM
here's a quick piece of Biblical advice: Ruth patiently waited for her mate Boaz. While waiting on YOUR Boaz, don't settle for ANY of his relatives: Brokeaz, Poaz, Lyinaz, Cheatinaz, Dumbaz, Cheapaz, Lockedupaz, Goodfornothinaz, Lazyaz or Marriedaz & especially his third cousin Beatinyoaz. Please,wait on your Boaz &make sure he respects Yoaz!.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: jj1000 on August 04, 2011, 08:11:02 PM
"here's a quick piece of Biblical advice: Ruth patiently waited for her mate Boaz. While waiting on YOUR Boaz, don't settle for ANY of his relatives: Brokeaz, Poaz, Lyinaz, Cheatinaz, Dumbaz, Cheapaz, Lockedupaz, Goodfornothinaz, Lazyaz or Marriedaz & especially his third cousin Beatinyoaz. Please,wait on your Boaz &make sure he respects Yoaz!" -chaya suri
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Bh101 on August 04, 2011, 08:33:35 PM
here's a quick piece of Biblical advice: Ruth patiently waited for her mate Boaz. While waiting on YOUR Boaz, don't settle for ANY of his relatives: Brokeaz, Poaz, Lyinaz, Cheatinaz, Dumbaz, Cheapaz, Lockedupaz, Goodfornothinaz, Lazyaz or Marriedaz & especially his third cousin Beatinyoaz. Please,wait on your Boaz &make sure he respects Yoaz!.
really???? i expect better
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Chaikel on August 05, 2011, 01:58:22 AM
here's a quick piece of Biblical advice: Ruth patiently waited for her mate Boaz. While waiting on YOUR Boaz, don't settle for ANY of his relatives: Brokeaz, Poaz, Lyinaz, Cheatinaz, Dumbaz, Cheapaz, Lockedupaz, Goodfornothinaz, Lazyaz or Marriedaz & especially his third cousin Beatinyoaz. Please,wait on your Boaz &make sure he respects Yoaz!.
Deena Mann Ripoff
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: elikay on August 05, 2011, 01:59:56 AM
here's a quick piece of Biblical advice: Ruth patiently waited for her mate Boaz. While waiting on YOUR Boaz, don't settle for ANY of his relatives: Brokeaz, Poaz, Lyinaz, Cheatinaz, Dumbaz, Cheapaz, Lockedupaz, Goodfornothinaz, Lazyaz or Marriedaz & especially his third cousin Beatinyoaz. Please,wait on your Boaz &make sure he respects Yoaz!.
:'(
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: PlatinumGuy on August 21, 2011, 01:47:52 AM
20 years ago:

A guy walks into a car dealership on friday afternoon, buys a car for $30,000 on his credit card. Drives to a competitor, and asks to sell for $20,000 cash. The guy gets suspicious, calls the police. Police come, try to call the credit card company to verify, but it was closed for the weekend. He is arrested and held for shabbos on suspicion of CC theft. He walks out, his info is verified, sells the car for 20K.


A year later the court awarded him $6,000,000 in damages for unjustified arrest.



And what does a Jew say? How didn't I think of that!
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: bubbles on August 21, 2011, 01:55:52 AM
20 years ago:

A guy walks into a car dealership on friday afternoon, buys a car for $30,000 on his credit card. Drives to a competitor, and asks to sell for $20,000 cash. The guy gets suspicious, calls the police. Police come, try to call the credit card company to verify, but it was closed for the weekend. He is arrested and held for shabbos on suspicion of CC theft. He walks out, his info is verified, sells the car for 20K.


A year later the court awarded him $6,000,000 in damages for unjustified arrest.



And what does a Jew say? How didn't I think of that!

lol  I heard this story awhile ago but never was able to find out if it was really true
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: PlatinumGuy on August 21, 2011, 01:59:00 AM
It was my shabbos meal entertainment. IDK if it's true either, but I'm sure if it happened it was a jew.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: madopo on August 21, 2011, 10:34:01 PM
Whats green, fuzzy, has 4 legs and can kill you if it falls out of a tree?


A pool table!
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on August 29, 2011, 01:14:50 AM
5 reason hurricanes r like xmas..

1) family n friends calling

2) last minute shopping

3) no work

4) candles

5) @ some point ur gonna have a tree in ur house
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Avid Reader on August 29, 2011, 10:15:52 AM
lol
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: jj1000 on September 09, 2011, 01:10:56 PM
I didn't post any jokes in a while so hopefully this will help make up. (I hope you guys watched 24)


Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.

If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler,stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.

If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.

Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.

If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef. Then you better believe it's beef.

Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.

1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.

Let's get one thing straight: the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.

Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer hates lemonade.

Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.

Osama bin Laden's recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.

Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.

Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.

When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.

Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.

Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better do it.

Jack Bauer won the Tour de France on a unicycle to prove to Lance Armstrong it wasn't a big deal. He thinks yellow wristbands are gay.

When Jack Bauer pissses into the wind, the wind changes direction.

Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.

When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.

When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.

You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.

Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.

When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.

Every mathematical inequality officially ends with "< Jack Bauer".

In 96 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93 people and saved the world 4 times. What the hell have you done with your life?

Jesus died and rose from the dead in 3 days. It took Jack Bauer less than an hour. And he's done it twice.

Jack Bauer killed so many terrorists that at one point, the #5 CIA Most Wanted fugitive was an 18-year-old teenager in Malaysia who downloaded the movie Dodgeball.

In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell.

What color is Jack Bauer's blood? Trick question. Jack Bauer does not bleed.

Guns dont kill people, Jack Bauer kills people.

If Jack and MacGyver were locked in a room together, Jack would make a bomb out of MacGyver and get out.

People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.

Sun Tzu once wrote, "If your enemy is weaker, conquer him. If he is stronger, join him. If he is Jack Bauer, you're f***ing dead."

Jack Bauer literally died for his country, and lived to tell about it.

Jack Bauer has been to Mars. That's why there's no life on Mars.

Superman's only weakness is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer laughs at Superman for having a weakness.

When Batman is in trouble, he turns on the Jack Bauer signal.

It took Jack Bauer two minutes to beat a confession out of OJ.

If Jack Bauer was gay, his name would be Chuck Norris.

The bumper sticker on Jesus's car reads, "WWJBD?"

Jack Bauer was conceived by torturing the other sperm until they gave up the location of the egg.










Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: skyguy918 on September 09, 2011, 02:53:31 PM
Boo, swapping out Chuck Norris for Jack Bauer (almost all of em anyway). Of course half the Chuck Norris jokes out there are probably adapted from something else.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Chaikel on September 10, 2011, 01:46:57 PM
Great!
And less than 10 of them can be used for CN
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on September 10, 2011, 04:16:37 PM
I'm Lost*. never saw 24.

*pun intended, didn't see Lost either, but people tend to pronounce both 'beneshima achas'.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Chaikel on September 10, 2011, 04:54:56 PM
When getting married, why do they answer the questions with "I do"

Because in the history of the world, no woman has ever answered a question with "Yes" or "No"
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: skyguy918 on September 10, 2011, 10:26:54 PM
Great!
And less than 10 of them can be used for CN

A lot more than 10. You must really like 24.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Dan on September 10, 2011, 10:38:42 PM
Shamelessly ripped off a JB site...anyone else missing 24 since it went off the air?

-Jack Bauer could get off the Lost island in 24 hours.

-There has not been a terrorist attack in the United States since Jack Bauer first appeared on television.  Can Chuck Norris say that?

-Ordinary people have panic attacks. Chuck Norris has Jack Bauer's attacks!

-Chuck Norris's beard can deflect bullets... Jack Bauer only needs a 5 o'clock shadow.

-If everyone listened to Jack Bauer, the show would be called 12.

-Jack Bauer once lost reception on his cell phone. 24 hours later AT&T announced that it would have more bars in more places.

-When Chuck Norris and Superman have sleep overs, they argue over who has the cooler Jack Bauer Pajamas...

-Jack Bauer is the only reason why Waldo is hiding

-If Rosa Parks was in Jack Bauer's seat she would move to the back

-Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.

-They say you can't go a day without water, Jack Bauer has gone five seasons.

-Don't ask what Jack Bauer would do for a Klondike bar.

-After running out of ammo, Jack stood in the line of fire, took 3 shots to the chest, and used them to reload.

-There's a reason why getting your car stolen is referred to as being "Jacked."
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: jj1000 on September 11, 2011, 12:06:33 AM
yes! I thought they were going to make a movie?
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Chaikel on September 11, 2011, 02:45:38 AM
yes! I thought they were going to make a movie?
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1598754/
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Dan on September 11, 2011, 11:38:03 PM
What does the Obama economy & Apple have in common?

No Jobs!
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: BAHayman on September 12, 2011, 01:12:27 AM
yes! I thought they were going to make a movie?

and they will call it "2" :-p
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: aussiebochur on September 12, 2011, 01:15:39 AM
and they will call it "2" :-p
Lol!
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on September 14, 2011, 03:57:09 AM
A Catholic, a Protestant, a Muslim and a Jew were in a discussion during a dinner.

Catholic: “I have a large fortune....I am going to buy Citibank!” 

Protestant: “I am very wealthy and will buy General Motors!”

Muslim: “I am a fabulously rich prince.... I intend to purchase Microsoft!”

They then all wait for the Jew to speak....

The Jew stirs his coffee, places the spoon neatly on the table, takes a sip of his coffee, looks at them and casually says:

“I'm not selling!!!...”
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Learner-Earner on September 17, 2011, 11:47:07 PM
One night a wife found her husband standing over their newborn baby's crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism.

Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arms around her husband.

"A penny for your thoughts." she whispered in his ear.

"It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a swaddle like that for only $43.40! Thank g-d for dansdeals."
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Dan on September 18, 2011, 01:44:47 AM
:D
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: shach on September 18, 2011, 11:22:54 PM
what does ADHD stand for?
Attention Deficit...Hey Doughnuts!
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Cholentfresser on September 19, 2011, 10:24:51 AM
what does ADHD stand for?
Attention Deficit...Hey Doughnuts!
ADHD stands for:

Attention Deficit ................Hey,  ...............Donuts!!     
:P
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: shach on September 19, 2011, 02:47:15 PM
 
:P
:-[
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on September 19, 2011, 05:23:31 PM
A man with a gun goes into a bank and demands their money. Once he is given the money, he turns to a customer and asks, 'Did you see me rob this bank?' 
The man replied, 'Yes sir, I did.' The robber shot him in the forehead, killing him instantly.
He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man, 'Did you see me rob this bank?'
The man replied, 'No sir, I didn't, but my wife did!'
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on September 25, 2011, 01:55:38 PM
This happened to me a few hours ago:

I received a voicemail from continental:" this is mrs ..... From continental, for dr accountholder, concerning ticket of mrs x: if miles are not transferred immediately to the onepass account, she will not be able to fly... Please call 1800..."

I checked, and this lady flew two days prior this message.

For the fun I called CO, but they have no idea why they called.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: ez1985 on September 26, 2011, 04:48:29 PM
What does DNA stand for?


National Dyslexic Association
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on September 27, 2011, 04:42:12 AM
   
show details 10:46 AM (1 hour ago)
בס"ד בריאות, הצלחה ובשורות טובות!
ויש גם את סימני החג כדי שלא נשכח לצחוק...
לקראת ראש השנה, ולטובת אלו שקשה להם בסימני ראש השנה המקוריים
תלמידי הישיבה התיכונית בפתח תקווה מגישים סימנים נוספים שניתן להעלות על שולחן החג


חסה - שה' יחוס וירחם עלינו
פיצה - שיתפוצצו אויבנו ומבקשי רעתנו
אבטיח- שתהיה שנה מבטיחה ושנגלוש בבטחה באינטרנט
בשר -שנתבשר בשורות טובות
בקר- שנזכה לבקר בבית מקדשנו ותפארתנו
סחוג - שישרפו אויבנו ומבקשי רעתנו
פלפל - שנהיה מפולפלים בתורה ובחכמה
מלח - שנהיה ממולחים ופקחים
צנון - שיצטננו שונאינו
פיתה - שנתפתה רק לדברים טובים
מצה/מיץ -שנמצה את כל יכולותינו
סוכריה - שיסכרו דמעותינו ונהיה רק שמחים
שניצל - שנינצל מגזרות קשות
נקניקיה - שנתנקה מחטאנו ומעוונותינו
תפוח אדמה - שנהיה ענווים ושפלים כאדמה
קציצה - שיקצצו לנו בתשלומי מיסים ובעול מלכות
גפילטע פיש - שנקיא את כל חורשי הרעה ממנו
אפונה - שנתפנה ללימוד תורה וחסד
כיפלי - שתהיה שנה כיפית ומאושרת
גומי - שתהיה שנה גמישה ונינוחה
קולה - שתמיד יאמרו לנו "קולה כבוד!"
חלב עז - שלא נעבוד ע"ז
טחינה - שישמעו ויתקבלו תחינותינו
חומוס - שנתרחק משוד ומחמס
אורז - שנזכה לארוז חבילות צדקה וחסד
חרוב - שיחרבו בתי תפלות ועבודה זרה
דג - שתהיה לנו שנה מצחיקה ומדוגדגת

ואני שמעתי שחסידי חב"ד אוכלים גם קולורבי
כדי לזכות ולשמוע את קולו של הרבי
שנה טובה ומתוקה
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: BAHayman on September 27, 2011, 06:41:35 PM
show details 10:46 AM (1 hour ago)
בס"ד בריאות, הצלחה ובשורות טובות!
...
שנה טובה ומתוקה

does not work at all once translated :-p
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on September 27, 2011, 08:25:17 PM
does not work at all once translated :-p

Not even sure where this is coming from.

I got it on my gmail app on  my BB, but after posting to DDF (from BB) it all showed as ????? ??? ?????? ?? ???? and since via wap site one cannot delete a post, just edit, I replaced the whole post by a "."

When I reached a regular PC I posted again, where it seemed to work. Didnt translate anything.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Avid Reader on September 27, 2011, 08:32:00 PM

ואני שמעתי שחסידי חב"ד אוכלים גם קולורבי
כדי לזכות ולשמוע את קולו של הרבי
שנה טובה ומתוקה

Pretty good!
Title: Re: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: BAHayman on September 27, 2011, 08:44:57 PM
Not even sure where this is coming from.

I got it on my gmail app on  my BB, but after posting to DDF (from BB) it all showed as ????? ??? ?????? ?? ???? and since via wap site one cannot delete a post, just edit, I replaced the whole post by a "."

When I reached a regular PC I posted again, where it seemed to work. Didnt translate anything.

Lol I meant that once I translated it to English it didn't really have the same effect as in Hebrew... Sorry for the confusion.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: chuchem on October 05, 2011, 08:36:50 PM
A guy sitting at an airport bar noticed a beautiful woman sitting next to him. He thought to himself, "Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be a flight attendant; but which airline does she work for?"
Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and said, "Love to fly and it shows?" She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself, well she doesn't work for Delta.
A few seconds later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her again, "Something special in the air?" She gave him the same confused look.
He mentally kicked himself, and scratched American Airlines off the list. Next he tried "I would really love to fly your friendly skies?"
This time the woman barked back at him "Man, what do you want from my life?" The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, "ahhh . . . El - Al"
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: henche on October 05, 2011, 09:21:20 PM
A guy sitting at an airport bar noticed a beautiful woman sitting next to him. He thought to himself, "Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be a flight attendant; but which airline does she work for?"
Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and said, "Love to fly and it shows?" She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself, well she doesn't work for Delta.
A few seconds later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her again, "Something special in the air?" She gave him the same confused look.
He mentally kicked himself, and scratched American Airlines off the list. Next he tried "I would really love to fly your friendly skies?"
This time the woman barked back at him "Man, what do you want from my life?" The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, "ahhh . . . El - Al"

not as funny as my family joke
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: hocker on October 05, 2011, 09:59:39 PM
What does the Obama economy & Apple have in common?

No Jobs!
what i would wish they would both have in common...
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on October 06, 2011, 09:46:18 AM
when steve asked to enter the heavens he was told:
only through iTunes....
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: ChAiM'l on October 06, 2011, 09:50:15 AM
?? ??????? ??? ???? ??? ? ????: ?'???? ???? ???? ??? ? ????? ???. ?? ???? ? ???????. ??? ?? ???? ??????? ? ????? ????

? ? ? ?
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: PlatinumGuy on October 13, 2011, 02:06:50 PM
You know what would be really cool? A BlackBerry-like device that delivered your emails as they come in, not all at once overnight.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: AsherO on October 16, 2011, 02:14:09 AM
You know what would be really cool? A BlackBerry-like device that delivered your emails as they come in, not all at once overnight.

No joke :P
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: MarkS on October 18, 2011, 06:47:52 PM
A Layoff letter from a wonderful boss:

Dear Employees:

  As the CEO of this organization, I have resigned myself to the fact that Barrack Obama is our President and that our taxes and government fees will increase in a BIG way.

  To compensate for these increases, our prices would have to increase by about 10%. But since we cannot increase our prices right now due to the dismal state of the economy, we will have to lay off sixty of our employees instead.

  This has really been bothering me since I believe we are family here and I didn't know how to choose who would have to go.

 So, this is what I did. I walked through our parking lots and found sixty 'Obama' bumper stickers on our employees' cars and have decided these folks will be the ones to let go.  I can't think of a more fair way to approach this problem.  They voted for change...... I gave it to them.

  I will see the rest of you at the annual company picnic.

  THE BOSS
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: YOSEF on October 19, 2011, 01:18:25 AM
This is not meant to be negative in any way, and is just a joke!!

Q: Why did the Lubavitcher cross the road?
A: To put tefilin on the chicken.

Q: Why did the Lubavitcher cross the road on Sukos?
A: To have the chicken shake lulav and esrog.

Q: Why did the Litvak cross the road on Sukos?
A: To put tefilin on the Lubavitcher.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: AsherO on October 19, 2011, 02:42:42 AM
This is not meant to be negative in any way, and is just a joke!!

Q: Why did the Lubavitcher cross the road?
A: To put tefilin on the chicken.

Q: Why did the Lubavitcher cross the road on Sukos?
A: To have the chicken shake lulav and esrog.

Q: Why did the Litvak cross the road on Sukos?
A: To put tefilin on the Lubavitcher.

Ha! :D
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: aussiebochur on October 19, 2011, 04:25:58 AM
Q: Why did the Litvak cross the road on Sukos?
A: To put tefilin on the Lubavitcher.
Problem is they don't have rabeinu tam tefillin ;)
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: PlatinumGuy on October 20, 2011, 02:00:53 PM
President Obama walks into the Bank of America to cash a check. As he approaches the cashier he says "Good morning Ma'am, could you please cash this check for me"?
 
Cashier: "It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID"?
 
Obama: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am President Barrack Obama, the president of the United States of Am ... Erica!!!!"
 
Cashier: "Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers, etc I must insist on seeing ID"
 
Obama: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am"
 
Cashier: "I am sorry Mr. President but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."
 
Obama: "I am urging you, please, to cash this check"
 
Cashier: "Look Mr.. President this is what we can do: One day Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putting iron and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his check. Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot whereas the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his check. So, Mr. President, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the President of the United States?"
 
Obama stood there thinking, and thinking and finally says: "Honestly, my mind is a total blank~~~there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing"
 
Cashier: "Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?"

HT @Danz
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: PlatinumGuy on October 20, 2011, 02:01:12 PM
Flying on Obama's private plane.
Obama looked at Oprah, chuckled and said, 'You know, I could throw a
$1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy.

Oprah shrugged her shoulders and replied, 'I could throw ten $100 bills
out of the window and make ten people very happy.

Michelle added, 'That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills

out of the window and make a hundred people very happy..

Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot,
"Such big-shots back there. I could throw all three of them out of the
window and make 256 million people very happy.'
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Dan on October 22, 2011, 08:09:28 PM
Just me or do those both seem to be in poor taste?  You can make fun of the POTUS in many many ways, but being stupid or throwing him out of a plane??
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: PlatinumGuy on October 22, 2011, 08:14:03 PM
Just me or do those both seem to be in poor taste?  You can make fun of the POTUS in many many ways, but being stupid or throwing him out of a plane??
Not thinking of anything is characteristic of his lack of economic plans, wasn't meant stupidity (AFAIK).
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Chaikel on November 01, 2011, 05:16:44 PM
A kid came to my door and charged me $5 to give him candy. I asked what he was going as. He said "Bank of America"
-Jay Leno
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: AsherO on November 01, 2011, 05:24:50 PM
A kid came to my door and charged me $5 to give him candy. I asked what he was going as. He said "Bank of America"
-Jay Leno

LMAO
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: good sam on November 01, 2011, 07:44:38 PM
If you were to choose an answer at random from the following choices, what is the probability that you will choose the correct answer?

a) 25%
b) 50%
c) 60%
d) 25%
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: AsherO on November 01, 2011, 07:47:22 PM
If you were to choose an answer at random from the following choices, what is the probability that you will choose the correct answer?

a) 25%
b) 50%
c) 60%
d) 25%

Nice one, it took me a few seconds though...
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: good sam on November 09, 2011, 10:04:16 AM
Q: Why are there no brissim in China?

A: Because the baby is always yellow!

(distasteful?)
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Chaikel on January 09, 2012, 01:25:18 PM
Special!
For a limited time customers that switch to Va'ad Harabanim from Kupat Ha'ir get first 500 minutes prayer at the Kotel free!
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: JEWDA on January 09, 2012, 01:27:17 PM
If you eat fish for 120 yrs you'll live long.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Mocha on January 09, 2012, 01:30:56 PM
Someone walks into a bank in Israel, he sees one line with only men, one line with only women, he starts yelling discrimination!! A teller quickly quiets him down and explains to him that one line is for 'deposits' only, and the other line is for 'withdrawals' only!

 

Brain teaser: who was on which line?
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: AsherO on January 09, 2012, 01:40:41 PM
Special!
For a limited time customers that switch to Va'ad Harabanim from Kupat Ha'ir get first 500 minutes prayer at the Kotel free!

I have a plan with both for better reception.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: JEWDA on January 09, 2012, 01:43:08 PM

 Brain teaser: who was on which line?
Obviously women withdrawing.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Chaikel on January 09, 2012, 02:26:04 PM
Obviously women withdrawing.
Obviously you're not chareidi
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: jj1000 on January 09, 2012, 04:09:33 PM
Obviously you're not chareidi
+1
Title: Re: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: creditor on January 09, 2012, 06:27:59 PM
Obviously women withdrawing.


Obviously you're not chareidi


+1
depends who brings the dollar America,men Israel,women
in Israel the women always deposit, men withdraw vs America the opposite
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on January 16, 2012, 04:12:22 PM
A woman's "I'll be ready in 5 minutes" and a man's "I'll be home in 5 minutes" are exactly the same thing!
Title: Re: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: sky121 on January 16, 2012, 04:15:25 PM
A woman's "I'll be ready in 5 minutes" and a man's "I'll be home in 5 minutes" are exactly the same thing!

Lol

Sent from my MB855 using Tapatalk
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: ez1985 on January 16, 2012, 04:22:43 PM
A Cessna 2 seater airplane just crashed into a cemetery in Central Poland.  Polish search and rescue workers have already recovered 300 bodies and are expecting the numbers to rise as digging continues into the evening.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on March 09, 2012, 09:59:17 AM
Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding at the London Hilton. Their life together in Golders Green was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Lexus) along a winding road in Hendon, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. To their surprise, there stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Although Jewish, they did not want to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, no matter what their religion. So the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their car and soon they were driving along delivering toys.
Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had a bad accident. Only one of them survived the accident.
The mind-numbing question is: Who was the survivor?
Scroll down for the answer...
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The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.
Women: stop reading here. This is the end of the joke.
Men: keep on scrolling...
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So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. And that explains why there was a car accident.
By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: Women never listen
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea s
Post by: meshugener on March 12, 2012, 10:10:49 PM
My friend told me "onions are the only food that can make you cry".  I threw a watermelon in his face.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea s
Post by: meshugener on March 14, 2012, 09:53:20 PM
My wife saves me a lot of money:   She never miss a sale.   
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: ReadsTheT&C on March 21, 2012, 01:22:05 AM
A 95 year old Yosef was in the hospital when the doctor came in and said "there's nothing more we can do, you have a 24-hour prognosis, best if you go home, be comfortable and surround yourself with friends and family to await the inevitable."  And so Yosef did.  And they moved his bed downstairs and put lots of pillows up so Yosef would be comfortable, and he was.  Yosef started blessing each of his children, saying how they had made him so proud and each thanked Yosef for being a terrific father.  Just then, a smell wafted into the living room from the kitchen and immediately Yosef realized it was his wife Rivka's potato kugel.  Yosef turned to his son and said "Reuven, I love you and please, if you could get me a piece of Mama's potato kugel, to die with that taste in my mouth would be so sweet."  And so Reuven went into the kitchen but came back moments later empty handed.  Yosef asked his son "Reuven, what happened?" to which Reuven replied "Papa, I'm sorry but Mama said the kugel is for the levaya."

-Tizku L'Miles
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: jj1000 on March 21, 2012, 01:26:00 AM
A 95 year old Yosef was in the hospital when the doctor came in and said "there's nothing more we can do, you have a 24-hour prognosis, best if you go home, be comfortable and surround yourself with friends and family to await the inevitable."  And so Yosef did.  And they moved his bed downstairs and put lots of pillows up so Yosef would be comfortable, and he was.  Yosef started blessing each of his children, saying how they had made him so proud and each thanked Yosef for being a terrific father.  Just then, a smell wafted into the living room from the kitchen and immediately Yosef realized it was his wife Rivka's potato kugel.  Yosef turned to his son and said "Reuven, I love you and please, if you could get me a piece of Mama's potato kugel, to die with that taste in my mouth would be so sweet."  And so Reuven went into the kitchen but came back moments later empty handed.  Yosef asked his son "Reuven, what happened?" to which Reuven replied "Papa, I'm sorry but Mama said the kugel is for the levaya."

-Tizku L'Miles
LOL :) cute
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on March 21, 2012, 04:59:57 AM
A guy was in his deathbed surrounded by his family, and asked:
My dear wife, are you here? Yes.
My son, are you here? Yes father.
My daughter, are you here? Yes, I am.
So everyone is here? Yes, everyone is here.

So why is the light in the kitchen still on?
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: ChAiM'l on March 24, 2012, 06:44:35 PM
A young engineer was leaving the office at 5:45 p.m. when he found the
CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important
document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young engineer. He turned on the machine, inserted
the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine,

"I just need one copy."

Lesson:

Never, Never, ever assume that your boss knows what he's doing.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on March 24, 2012, 07:36:52 PM
A young blond girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.   She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch" he said. "How much will you charge me?"   Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"   The man agreed and told her that the paint and brushes and everything she would need is in the garage.   The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"   "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" he responded.   The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes."   A few hours later the blonde came to the door to collect her money.   "You're finished already??" the startled husband asked.   "Yes," the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left over so I gave it two coats."   Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her along with a $10 tip.   "Thank you," the blonde said, "And, by the way, it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: bubbles on March 27, 2012, 11:29:10 AM
Woman: "No, I'm telling you, I'm right! He couldn't eat the Trix
because he was an adult rabbit, and Trix were only supposed to be for kids."

Man: "Well, I always thought it was just because he was a rabbit and
not a person."

[A period of silence -- the woman looks down at her food.]

Man: "What's wrong?"

Woman: "I'm just really getting tired of you always being wrong."
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: bubbles on March 27, 2012, 11:34:53 AM
this one might be more appropriate for an advice thread:

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: HelpMe on March 30, 2012, 10:54:28 AM
Doctor: I have good news and bad news, what do you want first?
Old guy: Give me the good news first.
Doctor: You have 24 hours to live.
Old Guy: What could possibly be the bad news?
Doctor: I should have told you yesterday.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: mclovin on March 30, 2012, 11:53:03 AM
Doctor: I have good news and bad news, what do you want first?
Old guy: Give me the good news first.
Doctor: You have 24 hours to live.
Old Guy: What could possibly be the bad news?
Doctor: I should have told you yesterday.
:)
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: PlatinumGuy on April 18, 2012, 08:30:01 AM
Bill Gates (about as non Jewish as anybody can be) advertised for a new chairman of Microsoft Europe. 
5000 candidates show up at the job screening.  They are assembled in a large room. Among them is Maurice Cohen, a French Jew, a small, bearded, bespectacled man.  Bill Gates thanks the candidates for coming but asks all those who are not familiar with the JAVA programming language to leave; 2000 people rise and leave the room. Maurice Cohen says to himself, "I do not know this language but what have I got to lose if I stay? I'll give it a try". 
  
Bill Gates then asks all those who have no experience of managing teams of more than 100 people to leave. Another 2000 people go. 
Maurice Cohen says to himself, "I have never managed anybody but myself but what have I got to lose if I stay? What can happen to me?" 
  
Then Bill Gates asks all candidates who do not have outstanding academic qualifications to rise and leave; 500 people remove themselves.  Maurice Cohen says to himself, "I left school at 15 but what have I got to lose if I stay?  So he stays in the room. 
  
Lastly, Bill Gates asks all of the candidates who do not speak the Serbo-Croat language to rise and leave; 498 people rise and leave the room.  Maurice Cohen says himself, "I do not speak Serbo-Croat but what the hell! I'll learn it. Have I got anything to lose?" 
  
He finds himself alone with one other candidate. Everyone else has gone. Bill Gates joins them and says: "Apparently you are the only two candidates who know JAVA, have managed large teams of employees, have advanced PhD degrees, and who can speak Serbo-Croatian. I'd like to hear you converse with one another in Serbo-Croatian." 
  
Calmly Maurice turns to the other candidate and says to him: "Baruch ata Adonai."  The other candidate answers: "Elohénu melech ha'olam." 
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: HelpMe on April 18, 2012, 10:02:21 AM
Calmly Maurice turns to the other candidate and says to him: "Baruch ata Adonai."  The other candidate answers: "Elohénu melech ha'olam."
I can't be the only one here who does not understand Hebrew. So this might help:

I will translate, but the point is not what was said in Hebrew but simply that it was spoken in Hebrew:
Baruch ata Adonaï: Blessed art thou oh Lord
Elohénu melech ha'olam: our God, King of the Universe
(These are the opening words of many Jewish prayers.)
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: HelpMe on April 18, 2012, 10:14:34 AM
Be careful taking Viagra if you have a hard time swallowing pills. I tried taking one and chocked on it. I had a stiff neck for a week.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: bubbles on April 18, 2012, 10:15:51 AM
Be careful taking Viagra if you have a hard time swallowing pills. I tried taking one and chocked on it. I had a stiff neck for a week.

coming from the old guy....  :P :P
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: PlatinumGuy on April 18, 2012, 05:34:26 PM
I can't be the only one here who does not understand Hebrew. So this might help:

I will translate, but the point is not what was said in Hebrew but simply that it was spoken in Hebrew:
Baruch ata Adonaï: Blessed art thou oh Lord
Elohénu melech ha'olam: our God, King of the Universe
(These are the opening words of many Jewish prayers.)
Recited before every food consumption, amongst others.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: good sam on April 24, 2012, 02:08:55 PM
Approximately half of all people in the U.S. are torsos.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on May 01, 2012, 06:23:13 PM
"His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.

He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport. Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'. The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.

Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'

'Why?' asked the pilot. 'Because I'm a photographer for CNN' , he responded, 'and I need to get some close up shots.'

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me, is . . . You're NOT my flight instructor?'."
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: PlatinumGuy on May 08, 2012, 03:38:27 AM
 Breaking: restaurants scramble to reprint their menus: offer 'socialist fries', free until they run out.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: PlatinumGuy on May 15, 2012, 12:01:37 PM
@GSElevator: [Classic] #1: The Euro is dead. They're just bickering over who pays for the funeral.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Chaikel on May 16, 2012, 06:53:26 PM
Was gonna start a thread, but don't want to give to many ppl heart attacks
http://milepoint.com/forums/threads/ultimate-travel-hack-to-first-class-upgrades.36006/?utm_source=twitterfeed&utm_medium=twitter
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: jj1000 on May 16, 2012, 10:43:41 PM
Was gonna start a thread, but don't want to give to many ppl heart attacks
http://milepoint.com/forums/threads/ultimate-travel-hack-to-first-class-upgrades.36006/?utm_source=twitterfeed&utm_medium=twitter
Wouldn't that get you co-pilot?
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: mclovin on May 17, 2012, 12:42:36 AM
Wouldn't that get you co-pilot?
tell them its ok you'll settle for a seat in the first row behind that
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Chaikel on May 17, 2012, 07:53:53 PM
Wouldn't that get you co-pilot?
It's discussed ofen platz
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: L'Chaim on May 18, 2012, 09:43:06 AM
This is a must read!!!
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on May 18, 2012, 09:49:29 AM
This is a must read!!!

To make it easier, I've copy pasted the content:

-----Original Message-----
From: [mailto:]
Sent: Friday, May 04, 2012 2:39 PM
To:
Subject: computer upgrade-gevaldig!-bk
Message to Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Bochur Life 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that Wife 1.0 installs
itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors
all other systems. Applications such as FarbrengenNight 3.0, Party Night 2.5,
BaglesSnoozes 6.1 and Hangout 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.
In addition, applications such as Garbage Out 3.3 and House Work 2.1 have gone from
select-as needed to continuous schedule Ignoring them causes Night-on-the-Couch 1.0 to
take over all activity. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting
to run some of my other favorite applications. I am thinking about going back to
BochurLife 7.0, but the uninstall does not work on this program Can you help me, please!!
Thanks,
A Distressed User
----------------------
Dear Distressed User:
This is a very common complaint which is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many
people upgrade from BochurLife 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a
UTILITIES program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed to run everything.
It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to BochurLife 7.0. It
is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once
installed. You cannot go back to BochurLife 7.0 because Life1.01 is not designed to do this.
Some have tried to install BochurLife 7.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than
the original system. Look in your manual under 'Warnings-Alimony/Child Support'. I
recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. I suggest installing
background application program C:\YES DEAR to alleviate software augmentation. Having
Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding
General Partnership Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and
problems that might occur,regardless of their cause. The best course of action will be to
enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE. In any case avoid excessive use of YES DEAR because
ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will
return to normal. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the
GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance. Consider buying additional
software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds
5.0. Do not, under any circumstances, install OtherFriends 3.3 as a primary operating
system. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible
damage to the operating system.
Thanks for using our Tech Support.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: L'Chaim on May 18, 2012, 09:54:23 AM
Thanks! :)
Didn't think of that.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: meshugener on May 18, 2012, 10:49:28 AM
Gooood!...
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on May 21, 2012, 11:25:25 AM
new forms for shadchanim to be distributed:
We wash strawberries. Y / N
We stack / scrape dishes Y / N
We have a filter on our computer / faucet / air-condition // n/a
We have a generator for shabbos Y / N
We live in ....... And use/do not use the eiruv
My father attended the big asifa (if out of NY state please state where attendance took place) Y / N
My mother attended the live hook up at ........
My father is in kollel (if not please state why and copy of grandparents bank statement)
My family only uses kosher phones
I am looking for a boy who attended / father attended / family attended the asifa / (shulamis girls and YOB girls check here if a hook up attendance is fine)
My fathers rosh yeshiva was a speaker/ a vip / invited/came on his own / did not attend to the asifa
(Please state reason of absence)
I understood the yiddish/ english/both speeches
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: good sam on June 11, 2012, 10:33:12 PM
2 guys are in a box at the Rangers game:

Fan 1: Why is the seat next to you empty?

Fan 2: It was my wife's seat.  She passed away.

Fan 1: Oh, sorry man.  But couldn't you get any friends to come?

Fan 2: They're all at the funeral.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: PlatinumGuy on June 13, 2012, 08:37:34 PM
Round up from a great tweeter:

I just burned 1,200 calories. I forgot the pizza in the toaster-oven.

Me: "How do you spell HIV?" Friend: "H.I.V" Me: "Are you positive?" Friend: "Yes..... Wait No.....

 Common sense is like deodorant... The people who need it most never use it."

 My teacher pointed me with her ruler and said: "at the end of this ruler there's an idiot!" I got detention for asking which end

Dear Board of Education, So are we. Sincerely, Students  **RT IF YOU AGREE**"

Mom: "Wake up!" Me: (~_~) (-_-) (°_-) ( -_°) (>_<) (o_O) (o_o)"

 Female drivers: the reason people look both ways while crossing a one way street"

 I'm not stealing my neighbor's WiFi, their WiFi is trespassing into my house-
Two blondes were driving to Disney World. The sign said: "Disney World left." So they started crying and drove home

 It's a good thing not everyone has a cellphone. Someone has to honk when the light turns green..

If you're looking to work 2 hours a day, 3 days a week & make about $1,000 a week, please contact me so we can start looking together ;)"

 It's ironic how red, white & blue represent freedom until they're flashing behind you!

Yahoo got their CEO from eBay? And he wasn't quite what he said he was in his description? No irony there. Nope. None.

 To Do List : 1: Buy 4 Pigs 2: Paint numbers 1,2,3 and 5 on their backs 3: Release them in Wal-Mart 4: Sit back watch Security search for #4"

Fat jokes aren't funny, those people already have enough on their plate
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: PlatinumGuy on June 14, 2012, 10:29:14 PM
What will be the last question ever asked?

What does this red button do
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Q274 on June 15, 2012, 08:15:40 AM
Man #1: so what did u get your wife for her birthday?

Man #2: well she wanted something that went from 0-200 in 4 seconds so I got her a scale
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: madopo on June 20, 2012, 09:44:19 PM
Someone said to R Avigdor Miller zt"l : Drop dead! To which he replied: That's the last thing I'll do!
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: good sam on June 20, 2012, 10:10:54 PM
Someone said to R Avigdor Miller zt"l : Drop dead! To which he replied: That's the last thing I'll do!
interesting choice of thread
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: smurf on June 20, 2012, 11:01:38 PM
interesting choice of thread
true. It belongs Here (http://forums.dansdeals.com/index.php?topic=2321.0)
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: meshugener on June 27, 2012, 08:46:55 PM
I wonder why this card hasn't been discussed here on the forum, I found it as the best card I've ever seen.
Card benefits:
-You can get $500+ cashback each month of card membership!! (that's awesome!)
-Stylish personalised card with your image displayed on it!
-Special medical benefits when you use the card at your doctor!!
Terms:
-Limit one per household.
-Subject to approval.
-Medical benefits are subject to separate approval and may not be included in your card benefits.
 
Just my advise for better chances of approval, when you fill out the app, report a very low income.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: MarkS on July 08, 2012, 07:35:58 PM
Old Morty had serious hearing problems for years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that miraculously allowed Morty to hear again – perfectly.

Morty went back a month later to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing function is near 100%. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

Morty replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to their conversations. I've changed my will three times!
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: This is who I am on July 09, 2012, 02:26:51 PM
i do not know if this was posted yet but ........
A few days ago, Prime Minister Mori was given some Basic English conversation training before he visits Washington and meets president Barack Obama...

The instructor told Mori Prime Minister, when you shake hand with President Obama, please say 'how r u'.
Then Mr. Obama should say, 'I am fine, and you?' Now, you should say 'me too'. Afterwards we, translators, will do the work for you.'

It looks quite simple, but the truth is...

When Mori met Obama, he mistakenly said 'who r u?' (Instead of 'How r u?'.)

Mr. Obama was a bit shocked but still managed to react with humor:
'Well, I'm Michelle's husband, ha-ha...'

Then Mori replied 'me too, ha-ha.. .'.

Then there was a long silence in the meeting room.


 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: good sam on July 09, 2012, 02:40:14 PM
Obama's top advisers discovered that all government secrets are told at the mikvah.  All he had to do, they said, is grow a beard, learn Yiddish, and don the Hasidic garb. 

After months of preparation, Obama was ready.  He enters the mikvah, approaches an elderly Hasid, and asks confidently: Nu . . . Vos is nayis?

Without hesitation, the Hasid responds: Obama kimpt haynt
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: jj1000 on July 09, 2012, 02:46:10 PM
Obama's top advisers discovered that all government secrets are told at the mikvah.  All he had to do, they said, is grow a beard, learn Yiddish, and don the Hasidic garb. 

After months of preparation, Obama was ready.  He enters the mikvah, approaches an elderly Hasid, and asks confidently: Nu . . . Vos is nayis?

Without hesitation, the Hasid responds: Obama kimpt haynt
Pa-lease that joke is so old they've been saying it since Washington.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: JEWDA on July 09, 2012, 02:47:39 PM
Pa-lease that joke is so old they've been saying it since Washington.
+10000
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: good sam on July 09, 2012, 02:49:09 PM
Pa-lease that joke is so old they've been saying it since Washington.
Oldy but a goody
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Lamdan on July 09, 2012, 02:49:52 PM
Pa-lease that joke is so old they've been saying it since Washington.
i never heard it, and i liked it.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: mclovin on July 10, 2012, 09:42:46 AM
i never heard it, and i liked it.
+1
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on July 14, 2012, 09:08:30 PM
Man: Hey, is it true that your mother in law is in hospital?

Friend: Yes.

Man: Since when?

Friend: Well, in 3 weeks from now it'll be a month.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on July 15, 2012, 03:39:39 AM
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a .m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night. 
The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late." 

The officer then asks, "Really?

Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?" 
The man replies, "That would be my wife."
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on July 15, 2012, 03:53:52 AM
Thought it was the joke about Mordy that was bragging to his friend about the top of the line hearing aid he just bought. "It cost me $10,000 but its the best on the market. "Really?"Asked his friend. "What kind is it?". "9:30" answered Mordy
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: raf on July 15, 2012, 11:26:36 PM
who do you call when you are hungry?call chaverim they will send you tuna beigels!!!
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: smurf on July 16, 2012, 06:53:34 PM
-1
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: U-no-me! on July 16, 2012, 07:15:50 PM
who do you call when you are hungry?call chaverim they will send you tuna beigels!!!

LOL
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Lamdan on July 16, 2012, 09:43:02 PM
who do you call when you are hungry?call chaverim they will send you tuna beigels!!!
sinas chinam in the 3 weeks?!?!
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: good sam on July 16, 2012, 10:19:44 PM
sinas chinam in the 3 weeks?!?!
it's not sina
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Lamdan on July 16, 2012, 11:39:33 PM
it's not sina
tuna beigel is a deragatory name
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: raf on July 17, 2012, 12:02:05 AM
tuna beigel is a deragatory name
i just heard the joke , as i was typing it i was going to delete it but it was such a good joke that i didnt want you to miss out on, i obviously didnt mean any harm just a jest
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Q274 on July 17, 2012, 12:03:15 AM
i just heard the joke , as i was typing it my wife was discouraging me but it was such a good joke that i didnt want you to miss out on i oviously didnt mean any harm just a jest
hmmmm disagree a billion % was not even in the slightest bit funny- perhaps you should have listened to your wife- i think we are all better off not having "heard" that joke
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Cholentfresser on July 17, 2012, 12:03:36 AM
i just heard the joke , as i was typing it my wife was discouraging me but it was such a good joke that i didnt want you to miss out on i oviously didnt mean any harm just a jest
#listentoyourwife
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: raf on July 17, 2012, 12:05:00 AM
well some did enjoy it sorry
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: raf on July 17, 2012, 12:05:36 AM
btw it is really funny
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: jj1000 on July 17, 2012, 12:40:25 AM
btw it is really funny
By no means is it "really funny." Besides the fact that it is derogatory and insulting an amazing volunteer service which helps frum yidden on a daily basis. Derogatory can be funny but this one just isn't one of those. (Besides I personally wouldn't post a derogatory joke on here, just not so nice and this is very public)
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: smurf on July 17, 2012, 12:44:16 AM
Not funny at all and also completely inacurate. Chaveirim members come from all parts of klal yisrael. And to make a comment which insinuates that chaveirim members are in it only for the action is inconsiderate as many of them are involved simply to help other people.
/rant
@rafy, nothing personal as I'm sure this joke wasn't yours nor does it reflect your opinion of chaveirim or its members.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on July 17, 2012, 03:05:34 AM
To turn it into a positive something.

Sinas Chinom is NOT hating someone that didn't wrong you.
Only a psychopath would hate someone without a reason.

Sinas Chinom means ignoring a fellow persons pain.

So the story of kamtse and bar kamtse, people mistakenly think that the main problem was the kicking-out part, but it isn't correct, as we do not know what the reason was for the fight between the two.
The problem were the chachomim sitting there, and not intervening.
Title: Re: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: ChAiM'l on July 17, 2012, 03:36:34 AM
btw it is really funny
-1
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: mclovin on July 17, 2012, 11:17:50 AM
i thought it was pretty funny in a laffy taffy wrapper type way.
it was a joke. lighten up. yes chaveirim does lots of good, and many/most are in it for the chessed, but there are in fact "tuna beigels" who do it for the hock/lights and sirens. so it was aimed at that segment. no one said that chaveirim is worthless or whatever. and even those tuna beigels are doing chessed. it was a harmless rip on them.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Lamdan on July 17, 2012, 02:30:49 PM
To turn it into a positive something.

Sinas Chinom is NOT hating someone that didn't wrong you.
Only a psychopath would hate someone without a reason.

Sinas Chinom means ignoring a fellow persons pain.

So the story of kamtse and bar kamtse, people mistakenly think that the main problem was the kicking-out part, but it isn't correct, as we do not know what the reason was for the fight between the two.
The problem were the chachomim sitting there, and not intervening.
I wish that were true. But unfortunately I couldn't disagree with you more, people hate people that are not like them - for no reason, if you were right the world would be a great place. Sinas Chinam = Free Hate, which the most pashut meaning is hate for nothing.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: dhalpern1 on July 17, 2012, 02:38:02 PM
A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says "Hey- We have a drink named after you. The grasshopper said- "You have a drink named Stanley?"
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: MarkS on July 17, 2012, 02:40:11 PM
Harav Mordechai Druk (http://matzav.com/rav-mordechai-druk) Zatzal from Yerushalaim (http://www.theyeshivaworld.com/article.php?p=48487) once spoke about how it's hard to have Sinah that is Chinam - for no reason. If it's because I don't like a particular thing about you - that's not Chinam!

He said a pshat that I don't remember, and then he said a 2nd cute/funny pshat that of course I remember!

Very often Ballei Battim resent Talmidei Chachamim/Chasuvah people. They often end up feeling inadequate in their presence and internally it may bother them that they're not as learned.  Such a sinah would not be Chinam - as crooked as it is, it's for a particular reason. However, sometime there's a person with a long beard and huge peyos, a frock, he shuckles Shmoneh Esrei for longer than everyone else, and appears to be a big talmid chochom - but in reality is a faker and trying to portray himself as someone he's not.

When the Baal Habos sees him and has Sinah toward him - it's Sinaas Chinam - because he's really not a talmid chochom!!!!
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: meshugener on July 17, 2012, 03:11:36 PM
But I hate him because he's fake!
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: MarkS on July 17, 2012, 03:17:31 PM
But I hate him because he's fake!
Correct, but the sinnah that you are having toward him is thinking that he is real - you are having the wrong kavannah in your sinnah!
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: sky121 on July 17, 2012, 03:20:13 PM
A duck walks into a bar. The bartender looks at the duck and says "hey, your pants are down."
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Lamdan on July 17, 2012, 04:16:27 PM
Harav Mordechai Druk (http://matzav.com/rav-mordechai-druk) Zatzal from Yerushalaim (http://www.theyeshivaworld.com/article.php?p=48487) once spoke about how it's hard to have Sinah that is Chinam - for no reason. If it's because I don't like a particular thing about you - that's not Chinam!

He said a pshat that I don't remember, and then he said a 2nd cute/funny pshat that of course I remember!

Very often Ballei Battim resent Talmidei Chachamim/Chasuvah people. They often end up feeling inadequate in their presence and internally it may bother them that they're not as learned.  Such a sinah would not be Chinam - as crooked as it is, it's for a particular reason. However, sometime there's a person with a long beard and huge peyos, a frock, he shuckles Shmoneh Esrei for longer than everyone else, and appears to be a big talmid chochom - but in reality is a faker and trying to portray himself as someone he's not.

When the Baal Habos sees him and has Sinah toward him - it's Sinaas Chinam - because he's really not a talmid chochom!!!!
like
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: good sam on July 17, 2012, 05:26:05 PM
I always thought sinas chinam meant sina for no good reason.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on July 17, 2012, 05:30:33 PM
To get back to the story of (bar*) kamtse. It doesnt say what has been done to the bal simche to anger him, so we must be talking about the chachomim just sitting there.


*no relation to bar jokes
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: good sam on July 17, 2012, 05:38:33 PM
*no relation to bar jokes
Maybe we should start a new thread.  It seems funny to have a sinas chinum/3 weeks topic converge with a jokes thread.

On a related note, what is an owl's least favorite time of year? The 3 weeks of morning!
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: jj1000 on July 17, 2012, 06:28:30 PM
Maybe we should start a new thread.  It seems funny to have a sinas chinum/3 weeks topic converge with a jokes thread.

On a related note, what is an owl's least favorite time of year? The 3 weeks of morning!
I laughed more at the irony of your first point than the 2nd joke. Both good though.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Lamdan on July 17, 2012, 08:03:20 PM
Maybe we should start a new thread.  It seems funny to have a sinas chinum/3 weeks topic converge with a jokes thread.

On a related note, what is an owl's least favorite time of year? The 3 weeks of morning!
what's a dentist's favorite time? tooth hurty, I HATE PUNNY JOKES!!! feel free to +1 ;D
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: ChAiM'l on July 18, 2012, 08:21:53 AM
what's a dentist's favorite time? tooth hurty, I HATE PUNNY JOKES!!! feel free to +1 ;D

Which flavor was it?
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: L'Chaim on July 22, 2012, 10:53:26 AM
A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale  hit the Middle East.
Two million Muslims died and over a million were  injured.
Iraq and Iran are totally ruined and the governments don't  know where to start with providing help to rebuild.
The rest of the  world is in shock.
The USA is sending troops to help.
Saudi Arabia  is sending oil.
Latin American countries are sending supplies.
New  Zealand is sending sheep, cattle and food crops.
The Asian continents  are sending labor to assist in rebuilding infrastructure.
Canada is  sending medical teams and supplies.

GREAT BRITAIN, not to be  outdone, are sending two million replacement Muslims.

God Bless  GREAT BRITAIN!
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Lamdan on July 23, 2012, 12:23:15 AM
A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale  hit the Middle East.
Two million Muslims died and over a million were  injured.
Iraq and Iran are totally ruined and the governments don't  know where to start with providing help to rebuild.
The rest of the  world is in shock.
The USA is sending troops to help.
Saudi Arabia  is sending oil.
Latin American countries are sending supplies.
New  Zealand is sending sheep, cattle and food crops.
The Asian continents  are sending labor to assist in rebuilding infrastructure.
Canada is  sending medical teams and supplies.

GREAT BRITAIN, not to be  outdone, are sending two million replacement Muslims.

God Bless  GREAT BRITAIN!
I don't think us jews who were thrown out of Europe 60 years ago, appreciate such jokes - I don't. I think the same jokes are said about us jews in other circles.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on July 23, 2012, 04:26:28 AM
I don't think us jews who were thrown out of Europe 60 years ago, appreciate such jokes - I don't. I think the same jokes are said about us jews in other circles.

Little difference though.
Jews were the exemplary citizens, and those guys are the trouble makers (to put it mildly) saying openly that they take over the place...

Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Lamdan on July 23, 2012, 02:02:00 PM
Little difference though.
Jews were the exemplary citizens, and those guys are the trouble makers (to put it mildly) saying openly that they take over the place...
I'm sure all the Muslims in Great Britain are saying that, I heard it from Goebbels himself.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: David B on July 23, 2012, 02:16:45 PM
The Jewish Elbow

A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.
"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301 . There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."

"Grandma that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?

"What . . . .. .. You coming empty handed?"
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on July 23, 2012, 02:24:25 PM
I'm sure all the Muslims in Great Britain are saying that, I heard it from Goebbels himself.

If you don't see a difference between the two you should get out more often.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Lamdan on July 23, 2012, 02:33:04 PM
If you don't see a difference between the two you should get out more often.
I see the difference. My point is that it's a racist joke, because it is anti Muslim, even though there are some bad Muslims. Being Jewish, my heart gets disturbed when I see a Jew make a racist joke, especially when it's about getting rid of a minority in Europe. If you don't think that part, I repeat - PART, of the drive to get rid of the Muslims from Europe, wasn't part of the reason they got rid of the Jews, than maybe you should open your mind more.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on July 23, 2012, 04:02:43 PM
I see the difference. My point is that it's a racist joke, because it is anti Muslim, even though there are some bad Muslims. Being Jewish, my heart gets disturbed when I see a Jew make a racist joke, especially when it's about getting rid of a minority in Europe. If you don't think that part, I repeat - PART, of the drive to get rid of the Muslims from Europe, wasn't part of the reason they got rid of the Jews, than maybe you should open your mind more.

You might want to get rid of mechiyas amolek...

No worries, I get your point.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Lamdan on July 23, 2012, 09:27:09 PM
Halevay all ppl would be such a pleasure to shmooze/argue with like Superflyer.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on July 24, 2012, 03:07:17 AM
+1, I started arguing with myself recently.

Pretty tough opponent though...
Title: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: bubbles on July 27, 2012, 01:30:12 AM
my psychologist shares office space with a proctologist. They can't decide whether they should call themselves odds & ends or nuts & buts
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: txtmax4 on July 29, 2012, 12:00:28 AM
בחורה קתולית חזרה לביתה בכפר נידח אירופאי, אחרי תקופה של עבודה בעיר הגדולה אצל היהודים. שאלו אותה 'נו איך זה לעבוד עם היהודים? ' ענתה: מאוד נחמד, משלמים בזמן. אבל חגים מוזרים יש להם.  יש להם חג בשם 'שבת' שבו אוכלים בסלון ומעשנים בשירותים. 'חג' בשם 'תשעה באב' מעשנים בסלון ואוכלים בשירותים,   'חג' בשם 'יום כיפור',  מעשנים ואוכלים בשירותים.
Title: Re: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: ChAiM'l on July 29, 2012, 04:10:03 AM
בחורה קתולית חזרה לביתה בכפר נידח אירופאי, אחרי תקופה של עבודה בעיר הגדולה אצל היהודים. שאלו אותה 'נו איך זה לעבוד עם היהודים? ' ענתה: מאוד נחמד, משלמים בזמן. אבל חגים מוזרים יש להם.  יש להם חג בשם 'שבת' שבו אוכלים בסלון ומעשנים בשירותים. 'חג' בשם 'תשעה באב' מעשנים בסלון ואוכלים בשירותים,   'חג' בשם 'יום כיפור',  מעשנים ואוכלים בשירותים.

I think this should be in the "Texting on Shabbos" thread ;)
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: DH Data Recovery on July 29, 2012, 12:36:17 PM
Mark Twain on that awful German Language

Some German words are so long that they have a perspective. Observe
these examples:
Freundschaftsbezeigungen.
Dilettantenaufdringlichkeiten.
Stadtverordnetenversammlungen.

These things are not words, they are alphabetical processions.

Generalstaatsverordnetenversammlungen.
Alterthumswissenschaften.
Kinderbewahrungsanstalten.
Unabhaengigkeitserklaerungen.
Wiedererstellungbestrebungen.
Waffenstillstandsunterhandlungen.

Of course when one of these grand mountain ranges goes stretching across
the printed page, it adorns and ennobles that literary landscape but at
the same time it is a great distress to the new student, for it blocks up
his way; ...
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: A European on July 29, 2012, 03:50:24 PM
פרופסור איינשטיין ואשתו יצאו לכמה ימי קמפינג. בנו אוהל וישבו לאכול לאחר ארוחה דשנה איחלו זה לזה לילה טוב ופרשו לשינה.
כעבור כמה שעות  גב' איינשטיין מתעוררת ומעירה את הפרופסור. "בעלי היקר, הבט לשמיים ואמור לי, מה אתה רואה? "
"מליוני כוכבים", ענה לה הפרופסור המכובד.
"ומה זה אומר לך?" - שאלה אישתו,
איינשטיין  חשב רגע ובמאמץ להרשים את אשתו אמר :
"מבחינה אסטרונומית זה אומר שקיימים מליוני גלקסיות ופוטנציאלית - ביליוני כוכבי לכת.
מבחינה  כרונולוגית אני משער שאנו מתקרבים לשעה 3.15 אחר חצות,
מבחינה תיאולוגית  אני רואה שהקב"ה הוא כל יכול ואנחנו יצורים קטנטנים חסרי כל חשיבות,
מבחינה מטאורולוגית אני משער שמחר נועד לנו יום יפה ושמש נפלאה!
ומה זה אומר לך אשתי היקרה? "
המתינה ואמרה:
"בעלי היקר, כל יום אתה הופך ליותר ויותר אידיוט -
גנבו לנו את האוהל !!!"

מורי ורבותי, "גנבו לנו את האוהל"! זה אלפיים שנה אנו בלי אוהל מועד, בלי בית המקדש ואנו שוכחים על קיומו ונחיצותו. אנו עסוקים בכל הבלי העולם הזה, אנו מנסים לשפר את איכות חיינו ושוכחים את העיקר.
כל החיים שלנו היו נראים אחרת אילו בית המקדש כבר היה עומד על תילו. לא רק ברוחניות אלא גם בגשמיות.
פעם עבר לפני הרבי יהודי לבקשת ברכה והוא התחיל למנות לרבי כל מיני בעיות קשות שהעולם מתמודד עמם וטרגדיות שקרו לאחרונה. הרבי הגיב: הטרגדיה הגדולה ביותר היא שהיום בבוקר לא הקריבו את קרבן התמיד בבית המקדש!
אל נא נשב בחיבוק ידיים ונותיר את מלאכת הקמת המקדש לאלוקים. הרבי הקודם רבי יוסף יצחק שניאורסון היה אומר שרשימת הקללות המובאות בגמרא שאין לך יום שאין קללתו מרובה משל חבירו, מסתיימת באימרה: "אין לנו להשען אלא על אבינו שבשמיים" והסביר הרבי שגם זו מרשימת הקללות, שנשענים על אבינו שבשמיים במקום שהיינו צריכים לפעול ולהרעיש עולמות להביא את הגאולה ולבנות את בית המקדש. במהרה בימינו
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: A European on July 29, 2012, 04:03:24 PM
Got it thru whatsApp and post it thru my android (as you can see  :D )
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on July 29, 2012, 05:51:16 PM
One night  outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant. In the  blink of an eye, it exploded into massive flames.

The alarm  went out to all fire departments for miles around.

When the  volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president  rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in  the center of the plant. They must be saved. I'll give $50,000 to the fire  department that brings them out intact."

But the  roaring flames held the firefighters off.

Soon more  fire departments had to be called in as the situation became  desperate.

As the  firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to  the fire department who could save the company's secret files.

From the  distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was  the nearby Chasidic Jewish rural township volunteer fire company composed mainly  of Jewish, ultra-orthodox men over the age of 65.

To  everyone's amazement, that little broken-down fire engine roared right past all  the sleek newer engines that were parked outside the plant.

Without  even slowing down, it drove straight into the middle of the  inferno.

Outside,  the other firemen watched as the Chasidic old timers jumped off right in the  middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and  effort never seen before. Within a short time, the Chasidic old timers had  extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas.

The  grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he  was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to thank each of the brave fire fighters  personally.

The local  TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief,  "What are you going to do with all that money?"

" Vell," said Moishe Goldberg, the  70-year-old Fire Chief, " Da foist ting ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat f*****  truck!"
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: meshugener on July 30, 2012, 10:15:00 PM
"Use your better judgement,
most of what you read on the
Internet are opinions, not facts.
Even more so, opinions stated as
facts." - Abraham Lincoln
Title: Re: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: creditor on July 31, 2012, 01:43:20 AM
"Use your better judgement,
most of what you read on the
Internet are opinions, not facts.
Even more so, opinions stated as
facts." - Abraham Lincoln
Abraham Lincoln !? ROFL
Title: Re: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: creditor on July 31, 2012, 01:46:28 AM
One night  outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant. In the  blink of an eye, it exploded into massive flames.

The alarm  went out to all fire departments for miles around.

When the  volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president  rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in  the center of the plant. They must be saved. I'll give $50,000 to the fire  department that brings them out intact."

But the  roaring flames held the firefighters off.

Soon more  fire departments had to be called in as the situation became  desperate.

As the  firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to  the fire department who could save the company's secret files.

From the  distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was  the nearby Chasidic Jewish rural township volunteer fire company composed mainly  of Jewish, ultra-orthodox men over the age of 65.

To  everyone's amazement, that little broken-down fire engine roared right past all  the sleek newer engines that were parked outside the plant.

Without  even slowing down, it drove straight into the middle of the  inferno.

Outside,  the other firemen watched as the Chasidic old timers jumped off right in the  middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and  effort never seen before. Within a short time, the Chasidic old timers had  extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas.

The  grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he  was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to thank each of the brave fire fighters  personally.

The local  TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief,  "What are you going to do with all that money?"

" Vell," said Moishe Goldberg, the  70-year-old Fire Chief, " Da foist ting ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat f*****  truck!"
HA HA. I smell JM
Title: Re: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: meshugener on July 31, 2012, 09:26:35 AM
Abraham Lincoln !? ROFL
I was wondering whether its worth posting, most people aren't so observant to get the joke...
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: jj1000 on July 31, 2012, 09:31:21 AM
I was wondering whether its worth posting, most people aren't so observant to get the joke...
Maybe it's only a weird avatar type joke.


So there's a jew named yankel who's son became a Christian. So he went to his rov.  He said "rov, my son became a Christian, what can I do? "
  The rov said, "Yankle, you'll never believe it but my son became a Christian too!".   So Yankle says "what do we do?" The rov says, "we pray to g-d."      They say to g-d, " g-d, our sons became Christians!".  G-d says, "you'll never  believe it, but...."

Disclaimer I just copy pasted from a text...
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Cholentfresser on July 31, 2012, 10:13:12 AM
Not bad.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: meshugener on July 31, 2012, 11:33:43 AM
Ha ha
Title: Re: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Lamdan on August 15, 2012, 10:14:41 AM
I was wondering whether its worth posting, most people aren't so observant to get the joke...
I disagree, I think most people reading it, got it.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Lamdan on August 15, 2012, 10:19:24 AM
There was a sign outside a church - "Big Money if you Convert". Yankel and Berel are walking by, Yankel decides he'll go in and make a few bucks. A half hour later Yankel comes out, Berel asks him "Nu, how much did they give you", Yankel says, "you _____ Jews, all you think about is money".
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Mikeoracle on August 15, 2012, 10:30:37 AM
Maybe it's only a weird avatar type joke.


So there's a jew named yankel who's son became a Christian. So he went to his rov.  He said "rov, my son became a Christian, what can I do? "
  The rov said, "Yankle, you'll never believe it but my son became a Christian too!".   So Yankle says "what do we do?" The rov says, "we pray to g-d."      They say to g-d, " g-d, our sons became Christians!".  G-d says, "you'll never  believe it, but...."

Disclaimer I just copy pasted from a text...
I am not sure if the below is the "mekor" for this joke, but its where i heard it first...

Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: sky121 on August 22, 2012, 02:08:30 PM
Wasn't 100% sure where to put this but I figured here works just as well....
didn't appreciate some of these..but others were really funny and just so true!


By the Israeli humorist, Efraim Kishon (Kishont Ferenc):

Israel is a country surrounded on all sides by enemies,
but the people's headaches are caused by the neighbors
upstairs.

Israel is the only country in the world where the coffee
is already so good that Starbucks went bankrupt trying
to break into the local market.

Israel is one of the few places in the world where the
sun sets into the Mediterranean Sea.

Israel is the only country in the world whose  soldiers eat
three sets of salads a day, none of which contain any
lettuce (which is not really a food), and where olives
ARE a food and even a main course in a meal, rather
than something one tosses into a martini.

Israel is the only country in the world where one is
unlikely to dig a cellar without hitting ancient
archaeological artifacts.

Israel is the only country in the world where the leading
writers in the country take buses.

Israel is the only country in the world where the graffiti
is in Hebrew.

Israel is the only country in the world that has a
National Book Week, during which almost everyone
attends a book fair and buys books.

Israel is a country where the same drivers who cuss
you and flip you the bird will immediately pull over
and offer you all forms of help if you look like you
need it.

Israel is the only country in the world with bus drivers
and taxi drivers who read Spinoza and Maimonides.

Israel is the only country in the world where no one
cares what rules say when an important goal can be
achieved by bending them.

Israel is the only country in the world where reservists
are bossed around and commanded by officers,
male and female, younger than their own children.

Israel is the only country in the world where "small talk"
consists of loud, angry debate over politics and religion.

Israel is the only country in the world where the
ultra-Orthodox Jews beat up the police and not the
other way around.

Israel is the only country in the world where inviting
someone "out for a drink" means drinking cola,
coffee or tea.

Israel is the only country in the world where bank
robbers kiss the mezuzah as they leave with their loot.

Israel is one of the few countries in the world that
truly likes and admires the United States.

Israel is the only  country in the world that introduces
applications of high-tech gadgets and devices, such
as printers in banks that print out your statement on
demand, years ahead of the United States and
decades ahead of Europe.

Israel is the only country in the world where everyone
on a flight gets to know one another before the plane
lands. In many cases, they also get to know the pilot
and all about his health or marital problems.

Israel is the only country in the world where no one
has a foreign accent because everyone has a foreign
accent.

Israel is the only country in the world where people
cuss using dirty words in Russian or Arabic because
Hebrew has never developed them.

Israel is the only country in the world where patients
visiting physicians end up giving the doctor advice.

Israel is the only country in the world where everyone
strikes up conversations while waiting in lines.

Israel is the  only country in the world where people
call an attache case a "James Bond" and the "@"
sign is called a "strudel".

Israel is the only country in the world where there is
the most mysterious and mystical calm ambience in
the streets on Yom Kippur, which cannot be
explained unless you have experienced it.

Sunsets in Jerusalem are gorgeous every evening.

Israel is the only country in the world where people
read English, write Hebrew, and joke in Yiddish.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: shmuelb on August 22, 2012, 05:01:45 PM
Just heard recently;

For which birthday do they give a motorcycle?



t he l a sto ne  :o
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: MarkS on September 02, 2012, 10:17:52 PM
2012 Democratic National Convention Schedule -- Charlotte, N.C.

4:00 PM - Opening Flag Burning Ceremony - sponsored by CNN
4:05 PM - Singing of "God Damn America " led by Rev. Jeremiah Wright4:10 PM - Pledge of Allegiance to Obama.

4:15 PM - Ceremonial 'I hate America' led by Michelle Obama.
4:30 PM - Tips on "How to keep your man trustworthy & true to you while you travel the world" - Hillary Clinton
4:45 PM - Al Sharpton / Jesse Jackson seminar "How to have a successful career without having a job."
5:00 PM - "Great Vacations I've Taken on the Taxpayer's Dime Travel Log" - Michelle Obama.
5:30 PM – Anthony Weiner speaks on "Family Valuse" via Satellite.
5:45 PM - Tribute to All 57 States - Nancy Pelosi
6:00 PM - Sen. Harry Reid - 90-minute speech expressing the Democrat's
appreciation of the Occupy Wall Street movement, and George Soros for
sparing no expense, for all that they have accomplished to unify the
country, improve employment and to boost the economy.
8:30 PM - Airing of Grievances by the Clintons
9:00 PM - "Bias in Media - How we can make it work for you" Tutorial - sponsored
by CBS, NBC, ABC, CNN, the Washington Post and the New York Times
9:15 PM - Tribute Film to Brave Freedom Fighters incarcerated at GITMO - Michael Moore
9:45 PM - Personal Finance Seminar - Charlie Rangel
10:00 PM - Denunciation of Bitter Gun Owners and Bible readers.
10:30 PM - Ceremonial Waving of White Flag for IRAQ & Afganistan
11:00 PM - Obama Energy Plan Symposium / Tire Gauge Demonstration / You too can get rich with Green Investment bankruptcies
11:15 PM - Free Gov. Blagovich rally.
11:30 PM - Obama Accepts Oscar, Tony, Nobel Prize, Olympics Gold Medal , and Latin Grammy Awards.
11:45 PM - Feeding of the Delegates with 5 Loaves and 2 Fish "Obama Presiding".
12:00 AM - Official Nomination of Obama by Bill Maher and Chris "He sends a thrill up my leg" Matthews
12:01 AM - Obama Accepts Nomination as Lord and Savior
12:05 AM - Celestial Choirs Sing
3:00 AM - Biden Delivers Acceptance Speech
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: meshugener on September 02, 2012, 11:33:27 PM
I bet Jewda is sleeping.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: shmuelb on September 03, 2012, 08:22:57 AM
2012 Democratic National Convention Schedule -- Charlotte, N.C.

4:00 PM - Opening Flag Burning Ceremony - sponsored by CNN
4:05 PM - Singing of "God Damn America " led by Rev. Jeremiah Wright4:10 PM - Pledge of Allegiance to Obama.

Is this the real schedule or a parody?  ::)
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: MarkS on September 03, 2012, 10:01:50 AM
Is this the real schedule or a parody?  ::)
I'll let you guess.

Hint: Look at the title of the thread I posted it in ;)
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: shmuelb on September 03, 2012, 03:40:07 PM
I was being sarcastic,  :o like, that would probably be not too far from the truth.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: JEWDA on September 04, 2012, 01:45:38 PM
2012 Democratic National Convention Schedule -- Charlotte, N.C.

4:00 PM - Opening Flag Burning Ceremony - sponsored by CNN
4:05 PM - Singing of "God Damn America " led by Rev. Jeremiah Wright4:10 PM - Pledge of Allegiance to Obama.

4:15 PM - Ceremonial 'I hate America' led by Michelle Obama.
4:30 PM - Tips on "How to keep your man trustworthy & true to you while you travel the world" - Hillary Clinton
4:45 PM - Al Sharpton / Jesse Jackson seminar "How to have a successful career without having a job."
5:00 PM - "Great Vacations I've Taken on the Taxpayer's Dime Travel Log" - Michelle Obama.
5:30 PM – Anthony Weiner speaks on "Family Valuse" via Satellite.
5:45 PM - Tribute to All 57 States - Nancy Pelosi
6:00 PM - Sen. Harry Reid - 90-minute speech expressing the Democrat's
appreciation of the Occupy Wall Street movement, and George Soros for
sparing no expense, for all that they have accomplished to unify the
country, improve employment and to boost the economy.
8:30 PM - Airing of Grievances by the Clintons
9:00 PM - "Bias in Media - How we can make it work for you" Tutorial - sponsored
by CBS, NBC, ABC, CNN, the Washington Post and the New York Times
9:15 PM - Tribute Film to Brave Freedom Fighters incarcerated at GITMO - Michael Moore
9:45 PM - Personal Finance Seminar - Charlie Rangel
10:00 PM - Denunciation of Bitter Gun Owners and Bible readers.
10:30 PM - Ceremonial Waving of White Flag for IRAQ & Afganistan
11:00 PM - Obama Energy Plan Symposium / Tire Gauge Demonstration / You too can get rich with Green Investment bankruptcies
11:15 PM - Free Gov. Blagovich rally.
11:30 PM - Obama Accepts Oscar, Tony, Nobel Prize, Olympics Gold Medal , and Latin Grammy Awards.
11:45 PM - Feeding of the Delegates with 5 Loaves and 2 Fish "Obama Presiding".
12:00 AM - Official Nomination of Obama by Bill Maher and Chris "He sends a thrill up my leg" Matthews
12:01 AM - Obama Accepts Nomination as Lord and Savior
12:05 AM - Celestial Choirs Sing
3:00 AM - Biden Delivers Acceptance Speech
I bet Jewda is sleeping.
Yup, I was
REPOST!!! (http://forums.dansdeals.com/index.php?topic=11416.msg294560#msg294560)
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: MarkS on September 04, 2012, 01:49:00 PM
Yup, I was
REPOST!!! (http://forums.dansdeals.com/index.php?topic=11416.msg294560#msg294560)
Actually, my version is a drop different - which is why searching for some of the words in my post didn't turn up that other (similar) post!

If you look in Hilchos Repost siman @%$^ there is a teshuva that addresses this issue and although lichatchila it's assur to post, once it's posted you're not allowed to call it a repost!
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: JEWDA on September 04, 2012, 01:51:29 PM
Actually, my version is a drop different - which is why searching for some of the words in my post didn't turn up that other (similar) post!

If you look in Hilchos Repost siman @%$^ there is a teshuva that addresses this issue and although lichatchila it's assur to post, once it's posted you're not allowed to call it a repost!
Ok I'll give you a break this time... ;)
Title: Re: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: L'Chaim on September 04, 2012, 03:37:45 PM
Ok I'll give you a break this time... ;)
Wow, there's is actually a way to crack Jewda:P
Title: Re: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: JEWDA on September 04, 2012, 05:14:18 PM
Wow, there's is actually a way to crack Jewda:P
Only in JS
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on September 04, 2012, 06:16:47 PM
NO NURSING HOME FOR US!!
 
 
No nursing home for us.  We ' ll be checking into a Holiday Inn!

With the average cost for a nursing home care costing £188.00 per day, there is a better way when we get old and too feeble.
I ' ve already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn.
For a combined long term stay discount and senior discount, it ' s £59.23 per night.
Breakfast is included, and some have happy hours in the afternoon.
That leaves £128.77 a day for lunch and dinner in any restaurant we want, or room service, laundry, gratuities and special TV movies.
Plus, they provide a spa, swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge and washer-dryer, etc.
Most have free toothpaste and razors, and all have free shampoo and soap.
£5 worth of tips a day you ' ll have the entire staff scrambling to help you.
They treat you like a customer, not a patient.
There ' s a bus stop out front, and seniors ride free.
For a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there.
While you ' re at the airport, fly somewhere.  Otherwise, the cash keeps building up.

It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. Holiday Inn will take your reservation today.
And you ' re not stuck in one place forever -- you can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city.
Want to see Scotland ?  They have Holiday Inn there too.
TV broken?  Light bulbs need changing?  Need a mattress replaced?  No problem.. They fix everything, and apologize for the inconvenience.

The Inn has a night security person and daily room service. The maid checks to see if you are ok.  If not, they ' ll call an ambulance . . . or the undertaker.
If you fall and break a hip, NHS will pay for the hip, and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.

                         And no worries about visits from family. They will always be glad to find you, and probably check in for a few days mini-vacation.

 The grandkids can use the pool.
What more could I ask for?

So, when I reach that golden age, I ' ll face it with a grin.
AIDS WARNING!

   To all of you approaching 50 or have REACHED 50 and past, this email is especially for you......
SENIOR CITIZENS   
ARE THE NATION ' S LEADING CARRIERS OF AIDS!

HEARING  AIDS 

BAND AIDS 

ROLL  AIDS 

WALKING AIDS   

MEDICAL AIDS 

GOVERNMENT  AIDS 

MOST OF ALL,   

MONETARY  AID TO THEIR KIDS!

Not  forgetting HIV
(Hair is Vanishing)
Title: Re: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: creditor on September 04, 2012, 06:28:33 PM
NO NURSING HOME FOR US!!
 
 
No nursing home for us.  We ' ll be checking into a Holiday Inn!

With the average cost for a nursing home care costing £188.00 per day, there is a better way when we get old and too feeble.
I ' ve already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn.
For a combined long term stay discount and senior discount, it ' s £59.23 per night.
Breakfast is included, and some have happy hours in the afternoon.
That leaves £128.77 a day for lunch and dinner in any restaurant we want, or room service, laundry, gratuities and special TV movies.
Plus, they provide a spa, swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge and washer-dryer, etc.
Most have free toothpaste and razors, and all have free shampoo and soap.
£5 worth of tips a day you ' ll have the entire staff scrambling to help you.
They treat you like a customer, not a patient.
There ' s a bus stop out front, and seniors ride free.
For a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there.
While you ' re at the airport, fly somewhere.  Otherwise, the cash keeps building up.

It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. Holiday Inn will take your reservation today.
And you ' re not stuck in one place forever -- you can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city.
Want to see Scotland ?  They have Holiday Inn there too.
TV broken?  Light bulbs need changing?  Need a mattress replaced?  No problem.. They fix everything, and apologize for the inconvenience.

The Inn has a night security person and daily room service. The maid checks to see if you are ok.  If not, they ' ll call an ambulance . . . or the undertaker.
If you fall and break a hip, NHS will pay for the hip, and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.

                         And no worries about visits from family. They will always be glad to find you, and probably check in for a few days mini-vacation.

 The grandkids can use the pool.
What more could I ask for?

So, when I reach that golden age, I ' ll face it with a grin.
AIDS WARNING!

   To all of you approaching 50 or have REACHED 50 and past, this email is especially for you......
SENIOR CITIZENS   
ARE THE NATION ' S LEADING CARRIERS OF AIDS!

HEARING  AIDS 

BAND AIDS 

ROLL  AIDS 

WALKING AIDS   

MEDICAL AIDS 

GOVERNMENT  AIDS 

MOST OF ALL,   

MONETARY  AID TO THEIR KIDS!

Not  forgetting HIV
(Hair is Vanishing)
ROFLMDO!
@SF, do you really wanna burn it with HelpMe ? [the only senior dff'er, I'm aware of]
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: PlatinumGuy on September 13, 2012, 12:01:39 AM
Ok, the shvarzes need some attention too:

A brisker, with his thoughts deep in the "kvetshen", walks into the "wrong" neighborhood.

A shvartze points his gun at the briske, and says: I'm gonna kill you right now !
So the brisker closes his eyes, and starts reciting (in the brisk "shma" manner): Boruch ato atto atto.....ho'oy-ho-oylom-ho'oyylommm, lo'mus-lomuss al kidush hashem!
the shvartze sees that his is dealing with a whacko, decides to spare the guy, and walks off.
At the end of the brocho the brisker opens his eyes, and see the shvartze walking away, so he screams at him: Nuuuu, hefsek !
On a similar note, a guy leaves his chavruse to the restroom and comes back a few hours later. When the chavrusa asks where he ways, 'he waited for shiur asher yatzor'
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on September 13, 2012, 09:18:42 AM
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him,

"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican.

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be an Obama-Democrat."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are -- or where you are going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's my fault."
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Chaikel on September 13, 2012, 11:17:48 AM
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him,

"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican.

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be an Obama-Democrat."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are -- or where you are going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's my fault."
like!
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: WhyAich on September 13, 2012, 12:25:55 PM
like!
+100
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SamDaMan on September 13, 2012, 01:07:38 PM
Whenever someone calls me ugly, I get very sad and hug them tight because I know life is really, really tough for the visually impaired. ;)
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: A European on September 13, 2012, 01:49:00 PM
like!
+100
+1
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: rots5 on September 13, 2012, 02:59:57 PM
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him,

"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican.

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be an Obama-Democrat."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are -- or where you are going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's my fault."

amazing!  ;D
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: txtmax4 on September 14, 2012, 01:04:54 AM
Whenever someone calls me ugly, I get very sad and hug them tight because I know life is really, really tough for the visually impaired. ;)
Pass the corn :)
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SamDaMan on September 14, 2012, 11:03:47 AM
Only Smart People Will Get This: 2+2= Fish, 3+3= Eight, 7+7= Triangle, 4+4 = Arrow, 8+8 = Butterfly.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: MarkS on September 14, 2012, 11:05:21 AM
Only Smart People Will Get This: 2+2= Fish, 3+3= Eight, 7+7= Triangle, 4+4 = Arrow, 8+8 = Butterfly.
Not too hard, got it in 2 seconds. Not trying to say I'm smart, just saying that it's not so complicated.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SamDaMan on September 14, 2012, 11:10:26 AM
Ya I know I just copy/pasted the text I just thought it was kool
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: meshugener on September 14, 2012, 11:46:59 AM
Not true.
I'm smart and I didn't get it.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Saver2000 on September 14, 2012, 11:49:28 AM
Not true.
I'm smart and I didn't get it.

Well I'm not smart and I got it  ;)
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: A European on September 14, 2012, 11:51:01 AM
Well I'm not smart and I got it  ;)
+1 LOL
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: A European on September 14, 2012, 11:51:34 AM
Hint:
nothing to do with math . ;)
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: mclovin on September 14, 2012, 11:51:40 AM
im smart and i got it
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: sky121 on September 14, 2012, 11:53:09 AM
Only Smart People Will Get This: 2+2= Fish, 3+3= Eight, 7+7= Triangle, 4+4 = Arrow, 8+8 = Butterfly.

Cute
Title: Re: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SamDaMan on September 14, 2012, 11:56:09 AM
Hint:
nothing to do with math . ;)
don't even try to explain it to meshug :P
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: meshugener on September 14, 2012, 12:06:46 PM
Finally, got it!!!!
Title: Re: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: mclovin on September 14, 2012, 12:09:38 PM
don't even try to explain it to meshug :P
reminds me of a joke.
a guy is driving and gets a flat tire. he pulls over in front of an insane asylum to change the tire. he takes off the lug nuts, removes the tire, and puts on the new one. as hes about to put the lug nuts back on he accidentally drops them into a storm drain. hes sitting there wondering what to do when an inmate shouts from a window of the asylum, "take one lug nut from each of the other 3 tires and that will get you to the mechanic". he does that and yells back "if you are so smart why are you in there". the guy answered "i may be crazy/meshuga but that doesnt mean im stupid".
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: JEWDA on September 14, 2012, 12:10:21 PM
Finally, got it!!!!
Doesn't make you smart.
Title: Re: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: meshugener on September 14, 2012, 12:28:51 PM
reminds me of a joke.
a guy is driving and gets a flat tire. he pulls over in front of an insane asylum to change the tire. he takes off the lug nuts, removes the tire, and puts on the new one. as hes about to put the lug nuts back on he accidentally drops them into a storm drain. hes sitting there wondering what to do when an inmate shouts from a window of the asylum, "take one lug nut from each of the other 3 tires and that will get you to the mechanic". he does that and yells back "if you are so smart why are you in there". the guy answered "i may be crazy/meshuga but that doesnt mean im stupid".
Like!
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SamDaMan on September 16, 2012, 02:18:57 AM
 Dear automatic flushing toilet, I appreciate the enthusiasm... but I wasn't done yet :)
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: PlatinumGuy on September 16, 2012, 02:24:35 AM
Dear automatic flushing toilet, I appreciate the enthusiasm... but I wasn't done yet :)
Its the toaster thats the problem, the flush is ok
Title: Re: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Achas Veachas on September 16, 2012, 02:49:27 PM
reminds me of a joke.
a guy is driving and gets a flat tire. he pulls over in front of an insane asylum to change the tire. he takes off the lug nuts, removes the tire, and puts on the new one. as hes about to put the lug nuts back on he accidentally drops them into a storm drain. hes sitting there wondering what to do when an inmate shouts from a window of the asylum, "take one lug nut from each of the other 3 tires and that will get you to the mechanic". he does that and yells back "if you are so smart why are you in there". the guy answered "i may be crazy/meshuga but that doesnt mean im stupid".
Theres actually a story about a meshugener who wanted to meet the Rebbe RaSha"B, and when the Gabbay wouldn't allow him he snuck into the Rebbes waggon during his daily trip, when the Chassidim asked him how dare he he answered "משוגע משוגע אבער שכל דארף מען האבן" (I guess loosely translated "You may be crazy but you still have to use your head")
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Moishebatchy on September 23, 2012, 12:09:36 PM
Its the toaster thats the problem, the flush is ok
Huh?
Title: Re: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Bettracker on September 23, 2012, 12:12:56 PM
Theres actually a story about a meshugener who wanted to meet the Rebbe RaSha"B, and when the Gabbay wouldn't allow him he snuck into the Rebbes waggon during his daily trip, when the Chassidim asked him how dare he he answered "משוגע משוגע אבער שכל דארף מען האבן" (I guess loosely translated "You may be crazy but you still have to use your head")

I don't exactly get it.
Title: Re: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SamDaMan on September 23, 2012, 04:44:50 PM
Huh?
he's saying that when the automatic toilet flushes b4 ur done its fine but when the toaster pops out the bread b4 its done its like excuse me but I'm not done yet get back in there
Title: Re: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Moishebatchy on September 23, 2012, 05:27:09 PM
he's saying that when the automatic toilet flushes b4 ur done its fine but when the toaster pops out the bread b4 its done its like excuse me but I'm not done yet get back in there

Ah. Thanks. :)
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: YOSEF on September 24, 2012, 02:31:42 PM
Only Smart People Will Get This: 2+2= Fish, 3+3= Eight, 7+7= Triangle, 4+4 = Arrow, 8+8 = Butterfly.
Not a joke.
In addition, smart and visual comprehension/twisting things around in your head, are two different things.
Besides for the fact that it isn't true.
3+3=would make the 3s overlap as much as possible, whereas the 7s and 8s wouldn't overlap at all, and the 4s and 2s would overlap partially. Also, the 4, once turned around, would need to cross over the other 4, which the other numbers don't need to do.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: meshugener on September 27, 2012, 01:00:28 AM
My kapura says...
Loading your avairos... please wait.
20%....
40%
60%....
Sorry. Memory is full!
Please take another chicken to complete"
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Achas Veachas on September 27, 2012, 01:01:39 AM
Wow! impressive! you got 60% of your Aveiros onto 1 chicken?
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: PlatinumGuy on October 14, 2012, 10:49:50 AM
This is almost a true story:

3 guys sitting on a plane to IAH. Two big Texans and a small Jew with hunched shoulders in between them...

First guy says, 'howdy, my name is ivan johns, I have me 5000 acres, me 5000 livestock, they call me big johns'. Other guy says, Jack Dong, have me 5000 acres, me 5000 cows, they call me big dong.

They turn to the jew, nu, what do u have? 5 acres... So they say '5 acres????!!! what do they call your place?'

'Downtown Houston'
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: HelpMe on October 16, 2012, 09:59:33 AM
I just test drove the new Jewish auto. Not only does it stop on a dime but it picks it up also.  :P
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Chaikel on October 16, 2012, 02:42:06 PM
I just test drove the new Jewish auto. Not only does it stop on a dime but it picks it up also.  :P
I hope you converted before making that joke ;)
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: HelpMe on October 16, 2012, 03:05:29 PM
I hope you converted before making that joke ;)
Thats another joke but I won't go there.  :)
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: shmuelb on October 16, 2012, 04:51:33 PM
Thats another joke but I won't go there.  :)

I actually liked that one, if ikwym.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SamDaMan on October 19, 2012, 12:10:38 PM
@TURXJOKES: It seems New York has two minor league teams...
The Mets in the regular season and the Yankees in the postseason...
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SamDaMan on October 19, 2012, 01:07:33 PM
@rotflmto: Me: "Can you write in the dark?" Dad: "I think so, why?" Me: "I need you to sign my report card."
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: PlatinumGuy on October 23, 2012, 08:27:11 PM
Overheard in Lakewoods' fourcorners bagel store: "The shidduch crisis is Obama's fault, I'm telling you! I spoke to someone who really knows for sure!"
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Q274 on October 28, 2012, 11:44:18 AM
sprint is way ahead of all phone carriers- their service is already down!
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: txtmax4 on October 28, 2012, 10:28:56 PM
NEW SQUARE: Signs have been put up to remind Sandy to stay on the women's side of the street :)
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: MisterHock on October 28, 2012, 11:11:47 PM
NEW SQUARE: Signs have been put up to remind Sandy to stay on the women's side of the street :)
Which makes we wonder if the Hamodia/Yated will be able to print pictures of the storm...
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SamDaMan on October 29, 2012, 01:12:24 AM
Message on bulletin  board in BMG: IN THE EVENT OF A POWER OUTAGE, THE FREEZER WILL NOT THAW. ALL BACHURIM ARE EXPECTED TO COMPLY WITH THE RULES.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Jkhein on October 29, 2012, 07:59:07 AM
SANDY go run-4-president. U-did-A-better job than all of them with boosting the economy.shelves are empty!
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Achas Veachas on October 29, 2012, 08:02:17 AM
They say Sandy will be the biggest disaster the US has seen since Nov '08 when Obama was elected..
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: meshugener on October 29, 2012, 09:02:30 AM
Since Sandy can possibly knock out cell phone service for several days, it is advised to send out all your silly jokes now.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Moishebatchy on October 29, 2012, 09:31:37 AM
NEW SQUARE: Signs have been put up to remind Sandy to stay on the women's side of the street :)

ROFLMAO! ;d
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Q274 on October 29, 2012, 12:02:27 PM
I saw a bunch of families packing there cars to leave Boro Park. I asked them where they were going, they said we are being evacuated. I said no that was Section A not 8!!!
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Achas Veachas on October 29, 2012, 12:12:38 PM
I saw a bunch of families packing there cars to leave Boro Park. I asked them where they were going, they said we are being evacuated. I said no that was Section A not 8!!!
;D  ALOL ;D
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: meshugener on October 29, 2012, 12:25:07 PM
I saw a bunch of families packing there cars to leave Boro Park. I asked them where they were going, they said we are being evacuated. I said no that was Section A not 8!!!
ROTB
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SamDaMan on October 29, 2012, 01:28:09 PM
@TURXJOKES: I think the reason we're experiencing so much rain across the US is because Amshinov just started saying "Maashiv HaRuach Umorid HaGeshem."
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Moishebatchy on October 29, 2012, 07:43:59 PM
Breaking: CNN is reporting Chris Christie has already eaten his emergency food supply, and is now dipping batteries in marinara sauce.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SamDaMan on October 30, 2012, 12:37:07 AM
FWD: The only blackout i want is Obama
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: chaimmayer on October 30, 2012, 05:41:17 PM
FWD: The only blackout i want is Obama
Great line!  Already used it a few times :D
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: creditor on October 30, 2012, 10:02:43 PM
recently there's a trend, by cool, Yiddish-speaking tweetrs to tweet in Yiddish, using Hebrew characters instead of English.
a funny one I saw was a tweet ending in .ל.א.ל meaning LOL

LOL ;D
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Chaikel on November 03, 2012, 01:06:34 PM
RT @chrisrock: Been on a gas line for 3 hours if I don't get to the front soon I'm gonna have to pee in Bottle .
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Lou Bob on November 03, 2012, 07:33:28 PM
Breaking News: Seaside Heights Amusement Park has been renamed Hurricane Harbor!
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: meshugener on November 07, 2012, 09:46:35 PM
Bloomberg said he won't send any salt trucks to Sea Gate & Far Rockaway cuz. He doesn't want to pour salt on the wounds......
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: WhyAich on November 07, 2012, 09:50:42 PM
RT @chrisrock: Been on a gas line for 3 hours if I don't get to the front soon I'm gonna have to pee in Bottle .
LOL
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SamDaMan on November 08, 2012, 12:39:41 AM
You guys call this a storm?!?! Where I come from we go tanning in this weather!!  :-P
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: L'Chaim on November 08, 2012, 05:54:35 AM
Being British is about driving a german car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then on the way home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab, to sit on a Swedish sofa and watch USA shows on a Japanese TV. And most of all being suspicious of anything Foreign. Oh and... only in Britain... can you get a pizza to your home faster than an ambulance. Only in Britain do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counter. Supermarkets make sick people walk to the back of the shop for prescriptions whilst healthy people get their fags at the front. We might be british but heck we're funny!
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Moishebatchy on November 08, 2012, 06:55:40 AM
Being British is about driving a german car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then on the way home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab, to sit on a Swedish sofa and watch USA shows on a Japanese TV. And most of all being suspicious of anything Foreign. Oh and... only in Britain... can you get a pizza to your home faster than an ambulance. Only in Britain do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counter. Supermarkets make sick people walk to the back of the shop for prescriptions whilst healthy people get their fags at the front. We might be british but heck we're funny!

You know that every one of those lines was originally said about America, and then was ripped off by Britain, right?
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: L'Chaim on November 08, 2012, 08:05:37 AM
You know that every one of those lines was originally said about America, and then was ripped off by Britain, right?

Well, if it's like you say, then the British can add the fact that they go around saying American jokes.  ;D
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: ChAiM'l on November 08, 2012, 01:31:52 PM
Obama supporters are like Xmas lights.. Half of them don't work and the ones that do aren't very bright..
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: rots5 on November 08, 2012, 01:32:44 PM
Obama supporters are like Xmas lights.. Half of them don't work and the ones that do aren't very bright..
alol!
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Dan on November 08, 2012, 11:28:40 PM
"CNN projected Romney will win New York, but then they realized they were using Apple Maps."
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: txtmax4 on November 09, 2012, 12:59:46 AM
"CNN projected Romney will win New York, but then they realized they were using Apple Maps."
LOL!! I have so much nachas from the one who thought of this joke! the one who told it as well ;D
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Dan on November 12, 2012, 01:31:33 PM
According to poll data, President Obama's victory on Tuesday was due largely to his popularity with both college students and the unemployed.
So basically Obama became president the same way Budweiser became the King of Beers.

-SNL
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Achas Veachas on November 12, 2012, 01:51:56 PM
According to poll data, President Obama's victory on Tuesday was due largely to his popularity with both college students and the unemployed.
So basically Obama became president the same way Budweiser became the King of Beers.

-SNL
;D
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Achas Veachas on November 15, 2012, 04:19:11 PM
(https://i.chzbgr.com/completestore/12/11/12/xIkVrtYJqkKaURNSRqgTTA2.png)
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SamDaMan on November 15, 2012, 08:21:29 PM
@TURXJOKES: An American seminary girl gets into a cab in Yerushalyim on a Friday.
The driver asks, "Eifo at b'Shabbat?"
She answers, "Daf Lamed Vav."
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: meshugener on November 15, 2012, 09:22:49 PM
@TURXJOKES: An American seminary girl gets into a cab in Yerushalyim on a Friday.
The driver asks, "Eifo at b'Shabbat?"
She answers, "Daf Lamed Vav."
reminds me of, a young American girl with a load of luggage asks the bus driver ?היש לך מקום בתחתונים שלך
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Achas Veachas on November 15, 2012, 09:59:12 PM
reminds me of, a young American girl with a load of luggage asks the bus driver ?היש לך מקום בתחתונים שלך
Heard that a bit different, as she's going off the bus she says נהג יש לי משהו בתחתונים
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Achas Veachas on November 15, 2012, 10:04:38 PM
A girl is dating an Israeli Ba'al Teshuvah and is trying to assess how deeply committed he is, so she asks him 'have you read the book מסילת ישרים?' the boy scrunches his forehead trying to recall and says 'I don't think so but I probably watched the movie'.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: smurf on November 16, 2012, 01:31:21 AM
Wife: do I look fat in this dress ?
Husband: do I look stupid in this shirt?
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: creditor on November 24, 2012, 09:13:23 PM
president O went shopping at a local bookstore with a shopping list on his blackberry. to show support for SBS

I bet ya, I know which amex card the guy ownes, I just don't wanna come across as a racist ;)
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Mimi K. on November 24, 2012, 09:36:44 PM
A girl is dating an Israeli Ba'al Teshuvah and is trying to assess how deeply committed he is, so she asks him 'have you read the book מסילת ישרים?' the boy scrunches his forehead trying to recall and says 'I don't think so but I probably watched the movie'.
it was an Irv Perv w/ a BJJ girl and she asked if he reads from Michtav Me'Eliyahu.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Chaikel on November 29, 2012, 01:24:20 PM
A guy says he's collecting for a poor family in Israel.

I tell him to give me their name and address and ill send them the money.

He says "If I gave everyone my leads, I'd be out of business in no time"

#TrueEvenIfItDidntHappen
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Achas Veachas on November 29, 2012, 01:58:49 PM
A Meshulach is in town collecting for his Kollel in Yerushalayim. Someone gets to talking to him, and he starts asking questions about the Kollel, the Yungerleit, the learning etc. and soon enough realizes that the whole Kollel exists in the Meshulachs imagination and thats it. Finally the man asks the meshulach what's your name? The Meshulach answers Dan, so the man says I'm sorry I can't give you any money; because Dan is BeGimatria Ganev. The poor Meshulach answers what do you mean? דן is 54 while גנב is 55? the man answered "Your right however דן עם הכולל = גנב"
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: meshugener on November 29, 2012, 04:19:24 PM
A Meshulach is in town collecting for his Kollel in Yerushalayim. Someone gets to talking to him, and he starts asking questions about the Kollel, the Yungerleit, the learning etc. and soon enough realizes that the whole Kollel exists in the Meshulachs imagination and thats it. Finally the man asks the meshulach what's your name? The Meshulach answers Dan, so the man says I'm sorry I can't give you any money; because Dan is BeGimatria Ganev. The poor Meshulach answers what do you mean? דן is 54 while גנב is 55? the man answered "Your right however דן עם הכולל = גנב"
you're trying to be controversial, I see.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Achas Veachas on November 29, 2012, 04:20:31 PM
you're trying to be controversial, I see.
I was thinking of putting a tongue in cheek comment about a possible relationship :P
Doubt there is any though. Dan doesn't strike me as the Meshulach type 8)
Title: Re: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SamDaMan on November 29, 2012, 06:49:05 PM
Dan doesn't strike me as the Meshulach type 8)
ha ALOL
Title: Re: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: mmermss on November 29, 2012, 06:49:36 PM
ha ALOL
+1
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: DH Data Recovery on November 29, 2012, 07:24:47 PM
well he does fly to other countries pretty often...
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Moishebatchy on November 29, 2012, 07:52:58 PM
well he does fly to other countries pretty often...

...and has lots of promotional material for his cause...
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Achas Veachas on November 29, 2012, 08:53:22 PM
...and has lots of promotional material for his cause...
...guess it's a good thing his cause isn't a Kollel or he'd be in trouble... :P
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: AsherO on December 02, 2012, 09:05:58 AM
...guess it's a good thing his cause isn't a Kollel or he'd be in trouble... :P

He does support a lot of kollel-leit (a/k/a kollel-ites) :)
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: U-no-me! on December 03, 2012, 06:11:20 PM
He does support a lot of kollel-leit (a/k/a kollel-ites) :)

I saw this:
A cop pulled me over he said papers..., I said Scissors I win!!! and then dove off.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Moishebatchy on December 25, 2012, 09:12:42 AM
In honor of today's holiday... enjoy!



A Letter to Santa Claus

Dear Santa,

How are you? I am fine. How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from reindeer to elves, is fine. I've been a very good boy this year. I would like an X-Box360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 5 for Christmas. I hope you remember that, come Christmas Day.

Merry Christmas,

Timmy Jones

---------------------------------------------

Dear Timmy,

Thank you for you letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer, and the elves are all fine and send their thanks to you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried about all the time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn't want you to get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I'll bring you something you can play with outside.

Merry Christmas,

Santa Claus

---------------------------------------------

Dear Mr. Claus,

Seeing that I have fulfilled the "naughty vs. nice" contract set by you, I'm confident that you can see your way clear to granting me my simple request. I certainly wouldn't want to turn this joyous season into one of litigation. Plus, isn't a jibe about my weight rather trite, coming from an overweight man who only goes outside once a year?

Respectfully,

Tim Jones

---------------------------------------------

Dear Mr. Jones,

While I acknowledge you meet the "nice" criteria, need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way a guarantee of services provided? Should you wish to pursue legal action, that is your right, but know that my attorneys have been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be more than pleased to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise to which I alluded will not only improve your health, but also your social skills and potentially your complexion, which most days looks like the bottom of a Burger King fry bin.

Very Truly Yours,

S Claus

---------------------------------------------

Look here, Fat Man:

I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I tried to be polite but you brought my looks and my friends into this. Now you're just disrespecting me. I'm about to tweet my buds. We'll be waiting for your fat ass and I'm taking my game console, my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHATEVER I WANT, MAN!

T-Bone

---------------------------------------------

Listen Pizza Face,

Seriously? You think a dude who can break into every house in the world in one night without getting caught sweats a skinny G-banger wannabe? Remember that "sees you when you're sleeping, knows when you're awake" stuff? I got your sh*t wired, Jack. I go all around the world and I see ways to hurt people that, if I described them right now, you'd throw up your pizza rolls all over your Mom's basement. You're not getting what you asked for, but I'm still gonna stop by your crib to stomp a mud hole in your ass and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia.

S Clizzy

---------------------------------------------

Dear Santa,

Bring me whatever you see fit. I'll appreciate anything.

Timmy

---------------------------------------------

Timmy,

That's what I thought, you little sh*t!

Santa
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Mimi K. on December 25, 2012, 11:01:19 AM
In honor of today's holiday... enjoy!

not bad
Check this one Timmy
Delta Ebonics Commercial (http://robsrants.havasy.net/wp-content/uploads/2009/08/delta_airline_ebonics.mp3)
Rated R for Language & references!  :o
Listener discretion is advised!  :-X
Its an old one but worth listening again!  8) 8)
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: PlatinumGuy on December 30, 2012, 10:37:03 PM
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Build a man a fire, keep him warn for a night.
Set a man on fire, keep him warm for the rest of his life.

My wife keeps complaining I don't listen to her...or something like that.

A geek teaching at school:
"Suppose we have 1000 apples. Or let's take a round number... Suppose we have 1024 apples."

A man using Apple Maps walks into a bar...or maybe a hotel. Or possibly a church

Bill Gates walks into a bar ...
and everyone inside becomes a millionaire, ...
on average.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: PlatinumGuy on December 30, 2012, 11:36:54 PM
A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells Husbands.
When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of
the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item
from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you
CANNOT go back down except to exit the building.

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

The 1st floor sign on the door reads:
Floor 1: These men have jobs.
The 2nd floor sign reads:
Floor 2: These men have Jobs and Love Kids.
The 3rd floor sign reads:
Floor 3: These men have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely good looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4: These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and help with Housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads:
Floor 5: These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6: You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor.
There are no men on this floor.
This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Cholentfresser on December 30, 2012, 11:40:24 PM
let's try to keep this a little cleaner, please.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: smurf on December 30, 2012, 11:42:08 PM
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Build a man a fire, keep him warn for a night.
Set a man on fire, keep him warm for the rest of his life.

My wife keeps complaining I don't listen to her...or something like that.

A geek teaching at school:
"Suppose we have 1000 apples. Or let's take a round number... Suppose we have 1024 apples."

A man using Apple Maps walks into a bar...or maybe a hotel. Or possibly a church

Bill Gates walks into a bar ...
and everyone inside becomes a millionaire, ...
on average.
I like the ones you added
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: PlatinumGuy on December 30, 2012, 11:46:06 PM
Three Apple engineers and three Microsoft engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three Microsoft engineers each buy tickets and watch as the three Apple engineers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a Microsoft engineer. "Watch and you'll see," answers the Apple engineer.

They all board the train. The Microsoft engineers take their respective seats but all three Apple engineers cram into a rest room and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the rest room door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Microsoft engineers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Microsoft engineers decide to copy the Apple engineers on the return trip and save some money.

When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Apple engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed Microsoft engineer. "Watch and you'll see," answers an Apple engineer. When they board the train the three Microsoft engineers cram into a rest room and the three Apple engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Apple engineers leaves his rest room and walks over to the rest room where the Microsoft employees are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please..."
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: elikay on December 31, 2012, 12:21:51 AM
Three Apple engineers and three Microsoft engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three Microsoft engineers each buy tickets and watch as the three Apple engineers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a Microsoft engineer. "Watch and you'll see," answers the Apple engineer.

They all board the train. The Microsoft engineers take their respective seats but all three Apple engineers cram into a rest room and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the rest room door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Microsoft engineers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Microsoft engineers decide to copy the Apple engineers on the return trip and save some money.

When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Apple engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed Microsoft engineer. "Watch and you'll see," answers an Apple engineer. When they board the train the three Microsoft engineers cram into a rest room and the three Apple engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Apple engineers leaves his rest room and walks over to the rest room where the Microsoft employees are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please..."
Ze kara im yehudim vegoyim ani lo kotev beivrit kdei she"azor li" lo yuchal lehavin im GT :) .
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: PlatinumGuy on December 31, 2012, 12:24:25 AM

A million guys walk in to a Silicon Valley bar.  None of them buy anything.  The bar is declared a rousing success.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Saver2000 on December 31, 2012, 12:24:40 AM
Ze kara im yehudim vegoyim ani lo kotev beivrit kdei she"azor li" lo yuchal lehavin im GT :) .
Lol
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on December 31, 2012, 01:25:03 AM
@ elikay: like !
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: DrDanny on December 31, 2012, 01:35:47 AM
A million guys walk in to a Silicon Valley bar.  None of them buy anything.  The bar is declared a rousing success.
Like
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Mimi K. on December 31, 2012, 01:14:36 PM
@ elikay: like !
Google Translate could not make any sense of it.
I tried! ;D  lol
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: elikay on December 31, 2012, 02:58:37 PM
@ elikay: like !
:D
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: DrDanny on January 01, 2013, 08:26:27 PM
People who waited in the freezing cold in Times Square last night for the eagerly anticipated new year 2013 were very disappointed to learn that it was in fact only the 2012S
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Dan on January 01, 2013, 08:27:57 PM
ALOL!
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: elikay on January 01, 2013, 08:31:12 PM
People who waited in the freezing cold in Times Square last night for the eagerly anticipated new year 2013 were very disappointed to learn that it was in fact only the 2012S
:D :D :D
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Chaikel on January 02, 2013, 04:18:12 AM
People who waited in the freezing cold in Times Square last night for the eagerly anticipated new year 2013 were very disappointed to learn that it was in fact only the 2012S
ROFL!!
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: mmermss on January 02, 2013, 10:53:21 AM
I just received my tax return for 2011 back from the IRS. It puzzles me!!!
They are questioning how many dependents I claimed. I guess it was
because of my response to the question: "List all dependents?"
I replied: 12 million illegal immigrants; 3 million crack heads; 42 million
unemployed people on food stamps, 2 million people in over 243 prisons;
half of Mexico; and 535 persons in the U.S. House and Senate."
 
 
Evidently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.
I KEEP ASKING MYSELF, WHO THE HELL DID I MISS?
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Moshe123 on January 02, 2013, 11:11:03 AM
People who waited in the freezing cold in Times Square last night for the eagerly anticipated new year 2013 were very disappointed to learn that it was in fact only the 2012S
8)
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: jj1000 on January 02, 2013, 12:23:26 PM

I KEEP ASKING MYSELF, WHO THE HELL DID I MISS?

The first family?
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Mimi K. on January 02, 2013, 12:28:22 PM
The first family?
he already said the unemployed in public housing.
but he is not including all the gov. workers plus union contractors working for them
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: whYME on January 04, 2013, 01:41:13 PM
A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, "look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!" Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this f*cking badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want... On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?!"

The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs......


"YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR F*CKING BADGE!"
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Lamdan on January 07, 2013, 12:14:19 AM

Build a man a fire, keep him warn for a night.
Set a man on fire, keep him warm for the rest of his life.
ROFL
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Deal Guy on January 07, 2013, 02:10:01 AM
How can I attach a powerpoint here?
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Chaikel on January 07, 2013, 04:08:15 AM
How can I attach a powerpoint here?
What are we, Bais Yaakov girls?
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: ashers on January 07, 2013, 11:20:30 AM
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the Loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks andNeeds to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz SL 500.

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car collateral for the loan.

The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blond for using a $110,000 Benz as collateral against a $5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.

What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my Car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

Finally... a smart blonde joke.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Dan on January 07, 2013, 12:10:19 PM
Meh. Heard that joke a hundred times, but that's the first time I heard it told as a blonde joke :P
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Achas Veachas on January 07, 2013, 12:13:15 PM
...but that's the first time I heard it told as a blonde joke :P
That's the whole joke... :P
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Saver2000 on January 07, 2013, 12:14:34 PM
That's the whole joke... :P
-1
The joke doesn't make any sense when being said with a blonde.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Achas Veachas on January 07, 2013, 12:15:25 PM
-1
The joke doesn't make any sense when being said with a blonde.
-1 you didn't understand what I said.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Mimi K. on January 07, 2013, 05:06:53 PM
Meh. Heard that joke a hundred times, but that's the first time I heard it told as a blonde joke :P
+1
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Chaikel on January 11, 2013, 06:56:04 AM
"It is being reported that Apple is making a cheaper version of the iPhone. They call it a Samsung"
--Conan
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: DH Data Recovery on January 11, 2013, 10:36:57 AM
"It is being reported that Apple is making a cheaper version of the iPhone. They call it a Samsung"
--Conan
LOL
I was just about to post that!!
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: chaimmayer on January 15, 2013, 09:01:33 PM
funny but sad
Title: Re: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: smurf on January 15, 2013, 09:30:46 PM
"It is being reported that Apple is making a cheaper version of the iPhone. They call it a Samsung"
--Conan
isn't it actually Samsung that's making the iPhone (parts)
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Chaikel on January 20, 2013, 02:03:55 AM
Invalid Tweet ID
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Chaikel on January 21, 2013, 05:09:35 AM
Chareidim are now backing Shaul Mofaz after his ad campaign promised 3400 NIS per month for Kollel Guys
Title: Re: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: smurf on January 21, 2013, 09:32:50 AM
Chareidim are now backing Shaul Mofaz after his ad campaign promised 3400 NIS per month for Kollel Guys
repost? ?
http://forums.dansdeals.com/index.php?topic=5396.msg382294.msg#382294
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: rots5 on January 21, 2013, 06:19:08 PM
Funny story- my FIL learns with a BT, and so do a lot of other big rabbis. He learns wih them Gemara. Every day the rabbis explain it to him outside and then they read it. So after the explanation outside the rabbi says ok now lets do it inside. The BT said - wow i got lucky on this one. One day my FIL was learning with him and he said ok now inside. This BT said, rabbi! do i have to?! its a gorgeous day out. Why u always saying i have to do it inside is there some sort if kabala thing?

True story
Title: Re: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: PlatinumGuy on January 22, 2013, 12:47:42 AM
he's saying that when the automatic toilet flushes b4 ur done its fine but when the toaster pops out the bread b4 its done its like excuse me but I'm not done yet get back in there
A bit late but nevertheless I was referring to the bidets (Park Hyatt has them). The automatic flush isn't the problem, it's a b*** toaster and can be very difficult to turn off.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: PlatinumGuy on January 22, 2013, 12:55:17 AM
An "alter" yeshiva bachur:
אחת שאלתי מאת ה' !!! אותה אבקש! ואם לא .שבתי בבית השם כל ימי חיי
Title: Re: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: whacked1 on January 22, 2013, 12:57:30 AM
An "alter" yeshiva bachur:
אחת שאלתי מאת ה' !!! אותה אבקש! ואם לא .שבתי בבית השם כל ימי חיי
:) cute
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: smurf on January 23, 2013, 04:18:23 PM
1,000,000 people attended President Obama's inauguration. Only 13 missed work.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: U-no-me! on January 23, 2013, 04:20:56 PM
1,000,000 people attended President Obama's inauguration. Only 13 missed work.

Cute...

1,000,000 people attended President Obama's inauguration, they all showed up to work.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: noturbizniss on January 24, 2013, 11:08:52 AM
two blondes were walking in the woods and they came across some tracks.  They began to argue whether they were bear tracks or fox tracks. The argued for some time and were close reaching an answer when they got hit by a train.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: noturbizniss on January 24, 2013, 11:11:56 AM
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and says why the long face?
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
The horse says i just lost my job.
:P





Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: noturbizniss on January 24, 2013, 11:12:22 AM
A guy walks into a bar.                   OUCH!
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: jj1000 on January 24, 2013, 02:32:13 PM
A Jew walks into a bar to buy a drink.
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
He buys the bar.

 ::) Yet to hear a funny walked into a bar joke...
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Moishebatchy on January 24, 2013, 02:36:39 PM
A man walked into a flower shop. "I'd like some flowers, please."

"Certainly, sir. What did you have in mind?"

He shrugged. "Well, uh, I'm not sure, ah, I uh..."

The clerk interrupted. "Maybe I can help... what exactly did you do wrong?"
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: noturbizniss on January 24, 2013, 03:53:20 PM
A man walked into a flower shop. "I'd like some flowers, please."

"Certainly, sir. What did you have in mind?"

He shrugged. "Well, uh, I'm not sure, ah, I uh..."

The clerk interrupted. "Maybe I can help... what exactly did you do wrong?"
::)
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: PlatinumGuy on February 04, 2013, 12:39:12 AM
The best ad of the Super Bowl? The 30 minute ad for modernizing our nation's power grid.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: jj1000 on February 04, 2013, 01:17:09 AM
The best ad of the Super Bowl? The 30 minute ad for modernizing our nation's power grid.
LIKE!
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Dan on February 04, 2013, 01:21:15 AM
"In a shocking twist, rich people are trapped in the super dome"

Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Dan on February 04, 2013, 01:24:17 AM
"Congrats if you had 34 minutes for the power outage in your Super Bowl prop bet."
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: PlatinumGuy on February 04, 2013, 03:41:31 AM
'The reason women don't play football is because eleven of them would never wear the same outfit in public.' -Phyllis Diller"
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: yuneeq on February 04, 2013, 07:38:28 AM
Why do women have small feet?


So they can stand closer to the sink.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: jj1000 on February 04, 2013, 08:20:06 AM
Why do women have small feet?


So they can stand closer to the sink.
Small feet=closer to sink? ???
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Moshe123 on February 04, 2013, 09:20:38 AM
Israelis are faced multiple times a day with a critical decision, "Chatzi meichal" or "Meichal malei".
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Moishebatchy on February 04, 2013, 10:23:10 AM
Israelis are faced multiple times a day with a critical decision, "Chatzi meichal" or "Meichal malei".

ALOL!!! ;D
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Dan on February 04, 2013, 01:07:35 PM
"How many blackouts does each team get per game? Baltimore better use one soon... #superbowl47"

"It was The Pinch"

"If aliens began watching us this year they probably think all our major national events honor Beyoncé"

" Somewhere at MIT there's a comp sci major from San Francisco laughing really hard right now. #SuperBowl47"

" I turned the lights off in my house to feel like I'm at the game. ‪#superbowl"

"This is a publicity stunt for Star Trek: Into Darkness ‪#SuperBowl "

"So now Daniel Craig comes over in a helicopter and the Queen parachutes down to fix the lights... wait, no, wrong event.

"In hindsight, maybe installing The Clapper was a bad idea."

"Next time my girlfriend is winning an argument, I'll just throw the circuit breaker and give it 35 minutes ‪#superbowl47"

Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: good sam on February 05, 2013, 05:51:14 PM
"In hindsight, maybe installing The Clapper was a bad idea."
best by far
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: good sam on February 05, 2013, 05:51:40 PM
A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC.

Nothing was moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a
$100 million dollar ransom.

Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on
fire.

We are going from car to car, collecting donations."


"How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks.


The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Yossi. on February 05, 2013, 06:44:25 PM
A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC.

Nothing was moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a
$100 million dollar ransom.

Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on
fire.

We are going from car to car, collecting donations."


"How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks.


The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."
lol. very good
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Moishebatchy on February 05, 2013, 06:49:15 PM
A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC.

Nothing was moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a
$100 million dollar ransom.

Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on
fire.

We are going from car to car, collecting donations."


"How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks.


The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."

Old one. Has been said about everyone ranging from Oprah to Obama.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: good sam on February 05, 2013, 08:11:13 PM
Old one. Has been said about everyone ranging from Oprah to Obama.
There's one in every crowd, guys
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Saver2000 on February 05, 2013, 08:13:20 PM
There's one in every crowd, guys
Never heard it. Thanx for the laugh.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: elikay on February 06, 2013, 01:54:03 PM
Never heard it. Thanx for the laugh.
+1
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Achas Veachas on February 06, 2013, 04:21:50 PM
(https://i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/7031297280/h861F77C6/)
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Chaikel on February 06, 2013, 04:30:04 PM
A little long, but worthwhile.

The Israeli Dog vs. The Arab Dog

The Israelis and Arabs realized that, if they continued fighting, they would someday end up destroying the whole world. So they decided to settle their dispute with an ancient practice: a duel of two, like David and Goliath. This "duel" would be a dog fight.

The negotiators agreed each side would take 5 years to develop the best fighting dog they could. The dog that won the fight would earn its people the right to rule the disputed areas. The losing side would have to lay down its arms for good.

The Arabs found the biggest, meanest Dobermans and Rottweilers in the world. They bred them together and then crossed their offspring with the meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest, strongest puppy of each litter, fed it the best food and killed all the other puppies. They used steroids and trainers in their quest for the perfect killing machine. After the 5 years were up, they had a dog that needed steel prison bars on its cage. Only expert trainers could handle this incredibly nasty and ferocious beast.

When the day of the big dog-fight finally arrived, the Israelis showed up with a very strange-looking animal, a Dachshund that was 10 feet long!

Everyone at the dogfight arena felt sorry for the Israelis. No one there seriously thought this weird, odd-looking animal stood any chance against the growling beast over in the Arab camp. All the bookies took one look and predicted that the Arab dog would win in less than a minute.

As the cages were opened, the Dachshund slowly waddled toward the center of the ring.

The Arab dog leaped from its cage and charged the giant wiener-dog.

As he got to within an inch of the Israeli dog, the Dachshund opened its jaws and swallowed the Arab beast whole in one bite. There was nothing left but a small puff of fur from the Arab killer dog's tail floating to the ground.

The stunned crowd of international observers, bookies and media personnel let out a collective gasp of disbelief and surprise.

The Arabs approached the Israelis, muttering and shaking their heads in disbelief. "We do not understand," said their leader, "Our top scientists and breeders worked for 5 long years with the meanest, biggest Dobermans, Rottweilers and Siberian wolves, and they developed an incredible killing machine of a dog!"

The Israelis replied. "Well, for 5 years, we have had a team of Jewish plastic surgeons from Boca Raton working to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: WhyAich on February 06, 2013, 04:34:56 PM
A little long, but worthwhile.

The Israeli Dog vs. The Arab Dog

The Israelis and Arabs realized that, if they continued fighting, they would someday end up destroying the whole world. So they decided to settle their dispute with an ancient practice: a duel of two, like David and Goliath. This "duel" would be a dog fight.

The negotiators agreed each side would take 5 years to develop the best fighting dog they could. The dog that won the fight would earn its people the right to rule the disputed areas. The losing side would have to lay down its arms for good.

The Arabs found the biggest, meanest Dobermans and Rottweilers in the world. They bred them together and then crossed their offspring with the meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest, strongest puppy of each litter, fed it the best food and killed all the other puppies. They used steroids and trainers in their quest for the perfect killing machine. After the 5 years were up, they had a dog that needed steel prison bars on its cage. Only expert trainers could handle this incredibly nasty and ferocious beast.

When the day of the big dog-fight finally arrived, the Israelis showed up with a very strange-looking animal, a Dachshund that was 10 feet long!

Everyone at the dogfight arena felt sorry for the Israelis. No one there seriously thought this weird, odd-looking animal stood any chance against the growling beast over in the Arab camp. All the bookies took one look and predicted that the Arab dog would win in less than a minute.

As the cages were opened, the Dachshund slowly waddled toward the center of the ring.

The Arab dog leaped from its cage and charged the giant wiener-dog.

As he got to within an inch of the Israeli dog, the Dachshund opened its jaws and swallowed the Arab beast whole in one bite. There was nothing left but a small puff of fur from the Arab killer dog's tail floating to the ground.

The stunned crowd of international observers, bookies and media personnel let out a collective gasp of disbelief and surprise.

The Arabs approached the Israelis, muttering and shaking their heads in disbelief. "We do not understand," said their leader, "Our top scientists and breeders worked for 5 long years with the meanest, biggest Dobermans, Rottweilers and Siberian wolves, and they developed an incredible killing machine of a dog!"

The Israelis replied. "Well, for 5 years, we have had a team of Jewish plastic surgeons from Boca Raton working to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."

typical israelis!
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Moishebatchy on February 13, 2013, 07:26:13 PM
A little long, but worthwhile.

The Israeli Dog vs. The Arab Dog

ALOL!!! ;D
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Ebaystores on February 13, 2013, 07:35:20 PM
Goldberg was bragging to his boss one day, "You know,
I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone,
anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK,
Goldberg, how about Tom Cruise?"

"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

So Goldberg and his boss fly out to Hollywood and
knock on Tom Cruise's door and sure enough, Tom
Cruise, shouts, "Goldberg! Great to see you! You and
your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"

Although impressed, Goldberg's boss is still
skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells
Goldberg that he thinks Goldberg's knowing Cruise was
just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Goldberg says.
"President Bush," his boss quickly retorts. "Yes,"
Goldberg says, "I know him, let's fly out to
Washington."

And off they go. At the White House, Bush spots
Goldberg on the tour and motions him and his boss
over, saying, "Goldberg, what a surprise, I was just
on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come
on in. Let's have a cup of coffee first, and catch up Well,
the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses
his doubts to Goldberg, who again implores him to name
anyone else.

"The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Goldberg.
"I've known the Pope a long time."

So off they fly to Rome. Goldberg and his boss are
assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when
Goldberg says, "This will never work... I can't catch
the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what,
I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and
I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the
Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Goldberg
emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time
Goldberg returns, he finds that his boss has had a
heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working
his way to his boss's side, Goldberg asks him, "What
happened?"

His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until
you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the
Japanese tourist next to me asked, 'Who's that on the
balcony with Goldberg?'"
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: jj1000 on February 14, 2013, 01:03:05 AM
Goldberg was bragging to his boss one day, "You know,
I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone,
anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK,
Goldberg, how about Tom Cruise?"

"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

So Goldberg and his boss fly out to Hollywood and
knock on Tom Cruise's door and sure enough, Tom
Cruise, shouts, "Goldberg! Great to see you! You and
your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"

Although impressed, Goldberg's boss is still
skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells
Goldberg that he thinks Goldberg's knowing Cruise was
just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Goldberg says.
"President Bush," his boss quickly retorts. "Yes,"
Goldberg says, "I know him, let's fly out to
Washington."

And off they go. At the White House, Bush spots
Goldberg on the tour and motions him and his boss
over, saying, "Goldberg, what a surprise, I was just
on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come
on in. Let's have a cup of coffee first, and catch up Well,
the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses
his doubts to Goldberg, who again implores him to name
anyone else.

"The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Goldberg.
"I've known the Pope a long time."

So off they fly to Rome. Goldberg and his boss are
assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when
Goldberg says, "This will never work... I can't catch
the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what,
I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and
I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the
Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Goldberg
emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time
Goldberg returns, he finds that his boss has had a
heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working
his way to his boss's side, Goldberg asks him, "What
happened?"

His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until
you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the
Japanese tourist next to me asked, 'Who's that on the
balcony with Goldberg?'"

better than I expected. Thanks :)
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: L'Chaim on February 14, 2013, 01:07:04 AM
better than I expected. Thanks :)
+1
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: jj1000 on February 14, 2013, 01:08:06 AM
A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved.
But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.

“Janie, do you have a story to share?"

''Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy.
She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit.
She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife."

"She drank the whiskey on the way down, because it is cold at 15,000 feet, and so the bottle wouldn't break,
and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.
She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets,
killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the
last Iraqi with her bare hands."

''Good Heavens," said the horrified teacher.

"What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?"

"Don't mess with Mommy when she's been drinking."
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: world2see on February 14, 2013, 08:13:32 AM
any good bar mitzvah jokes?:)
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Ebaystores on February 14, 2013, 08:31:11 AM
any good bar mitzvah jokes?:)
David is telling a new joke to Yossi.
"Yitzhak and Hymie were talking one day..."
Right away, Yossi interrupts him. "Always with the Jewish jokes! Give it a rest! Why do your jokes always have to be about Jews? Just change the names to another ethnic group for once will you David!"
So David starts again, "Hashimoto and Suzuki were talking one day at their nephew's Bar Mitzvah...."

Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: world2see on February 14, 2013, 08:31:54 AM
 :)ty  keep em coming
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Achas Veachas on February 14, 2013, 08:46:04 AM
Moshe was a bragger and loved to out-do his friends whenever he could and now it was coming up to the time of his son David's barmitzvah. He gave it a lot of thought and then, after studying many brochures and maps, he hit upon a perfect, unique way to celebrate – a barmitzvah safari. Surely no one has ever done THAT before!

So Moshe went ahead with the detailed arrangements. He started off by hiring a special flight to Africa to accommodate all the invited family and friends. Then he chose a guide and his bearers. He phoned the guide long distance and told him what he wanted.

“I want my entourage to be able to hear jungle chants; I want to be able to shoot some wild animals, on film of course; I need a clearing to be found where my Rabbi can hold the service; and I want my David to be able to recite his prayers in Hebrew whilst standing on the body of an anaesthetised lion.”
“OK,” said the guide, “no problem.”

The guests were ecstatic when they received details of the weekend and all accepted their invite. Come the day of departure, they were all flown to Africa. On arrival, the guide and bearers were waiting for them, together with 30 elephants. Off they went with the guide leading the way and directing the elephants along the narrow trails through the rain forest.  But then, just 5hours into the journey, the column of elephants came to a sudden halt and the guide shouted, “There will now be a delay of 2 hours.”

Moshe was angry at this. “Why the delay?” he asked his guide.

“There’s nothing I can do,” said the guide, “there’s another two barmitzvah safaris ahead of us.”
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: world2see on February 14, 2013, 01:36:48 PM
 :)
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: sky121 on February 14, 2013, 01:40:36 PM
Moshe was a bragger and loved to out-do his friends whenever he could and now it was coming up to the time of his son David's barmitzvah. He gave it a lot of thought and then, after studying many brochures and maps, he hit upon a perfect, unique way to celebrate – a barmitzvah safari. Surely no one has ever done THAT before!

So Moshe went ahead with the detailed arrangements. He started off by hiring a special flight to Africa to accommodate all the invited family and friends. Then he chose a guide and his bearers. He phoned the guide long distance and told him what he wanted.

“I want my entourage to be able to hear jungle chants; I want to be able to shoot some wild animals, on film of course; I need a clearing to be found where my Rabbi can hold the service; and I want my David to be able to recite his prayers in Hebrew whilst standing on the body of an anaesthetised lion.”
“OK,” said the guide, “no problem.”

The guests were ecstatic when they received details of the weekend and all accepted their invite. Come the day of departure, they were all flown to Africa. On arrival, the guide and bearers were waiting for them, together with 30 elephants. Off they went with the guide leading the way and directing the elephants along the narrow trails through the rain forest.  But then, just 5hours into the journey, the column of elephants came to a sudden halt and the guide shouted, “There will now be a delay of 2 hours.”

Moshe was angry at this. “Why the delay?” he asked his guide.

“There’s nothing I can do,” said the guide, “there’s another two barmitzvah safaris ahead of us.”

This jokes funnier when you listen to it.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: yuneeq on February 14, 2013, 02:01:07 PM
One of my faves ;D

A sailor meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns telling about their adventures on the seas. The sailor notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook and an eye patch.

The sailor asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"

The pirate replies: "We were in a storm at sea, and I were swept overboard headed for Davy Jones' Locker. Just as me men were pullin' me out, a shark bit me leg off."

"Wow!" said the sailor. "What about the hook?"

The pirate went on, “We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut me hand off.”

"Incredible!" said the sailor. "And how did you get the eye patch?"

“Arrr. That were from a seagull dropping fell into me bloody eye,” replied the pirate.

"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.

"Shiver me timbers!" said the pirate. "It was me first day with the hook..."
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: good sam on February 14, 2013, 05:38:02 PM
Moshe was a bragger and loved to out-do his friends whenever he could and now it was coming up to the time of his son David's barmitzvah. He gave it a lot of thought and then, after studying many brochures and maps, he hit upon a perfect, unique way to celebrate – a barmitzvah safari. Surely no one has ever done THAT before!

So Moshe went ahead with the detailed arrangements. He started off by hiring a special flight to Africa to accommodate all the invited family and friends. Then he chose a guide and his bearers. He phoned the guide long distance and told him what he wanted.

“I want my entourage to be able to hear jungle chants; I want to be able to shoot some wild animals, on film of course; I need a clearing to be found where my Rabbi can hold the service; and I want my David to be able to recite his prayers in Hebrew whilst standing on the body of an anaesthetised lion.”
“OK,” said the guide, “no problem.”

The guests were ecstatic when they received details of the weekend and all accepted their invite. Come the day of departure, they were all flown to Africa. On arrival, the guide and bearers were waiting for them, together with 30 elephants. Off they went with the guide leading the way and directing the elephants along the narrow trails through the rain forest.  But then, just 5hours into the journey, the column of elephants came to a sudden halt and the guide shouted, “There will now be a delay of 2 hours.”

Moshe was angry at this. “Why the delay?” he asked his guide.

“There’s nothing I can do,” said the guide, “there’s another two barmitzvah safaris ahead of us.”
From that old tape "You don't have to be Jewish."  A classic.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: mmermss on February 14, 2013, 05:40:00 PM
Any good Sheva brachos jokes?
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: good sam on February 14, 2013, 05:41:43 PM
A screwdriver walks into a bar.

The bartender looks at him quizzically.

The screwdriver asks "What's the matter?"

The bartender replies "You know, we have a drink named after you"

"You have a drink named Steve?"
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: good sam on February 14, 2013, 05:45:12 PM
(First time a Reader's Digest joke made me laugh)

The other two people, the ones who yelled "its a bird," "its a plane," what were they so worked up about?
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: sky121 on February 14, 2013, 07:00:09 PM
Does anyone remember the joke with the guy writing the telegram who keeps removing words that aren't needed?

Can't find it.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Achas Veachas on February 14, 2013, 07:21:04 PM
Here it is:
Quote
I took out the redundant parts ;D
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: sky121 on February 14, 2013, 07:31:27 PM
Here it is:
Quote
I took out the redundant parts ;D


Lol
I guess I was asking for that.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: yuneeq on February 15, 2013, 01:16:59 AM
Does anyone remember the joke with the guy writing the telegram who keeps removing words that aren't needed?

Can't find it.

Really thought that was supposed to be the actual joke.
And I think you're asking about the comfordabul joke. 
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: elizmm on February 15, 2013, 01:53:44 AM
Heard this recently, instead of writing it up myself I used the lazy man's trusted helper - google, and found it nicely written up.



A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do.

The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional. In a few minutes a woman comes in and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned. I committed adultery."

Priest says: "How many times?"

Woman: "Three times."

Priest says, "Say two Hail Marys, put $5.00 in the box, and sin no more."

A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says, "Father forgive me for I have sinned."

Priest says, "What did you do?"

Man says, "I committed adultery."

Priest asks, "How many times?"

Man replies, "Three times."

Priest says, "Say two Hail Marys, put $5.00 in the box, and sin no more."

The Rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest leaves. A few minutes later another woman enters and says, "Father forgive me for I have sinned."

Rabbi says, "What did you do?"

Woman replies, "I committed adultery."

Rabbi asks, "How many times?"

Woman says "Once."

Rabbi says, "Go do it two more times, we have a special this week, three for $5.00."
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Moishebatchy on February 15, 2013, 04:41:33 AM
Does anyone remember the joke with the guy writing the telegram who keeps removing words that aren't needed?

Can't find it.

I remember it... but in Yiddish.  :-\
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: mmermss on February 15, 2013, 08:23:02 AM
Any good Sheva brachos jokes?
Bump
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: sky121 on February 15, 2013, 08:29:01 AM
Really thought that was supposed to be the actual joke.
And I think you're asking about the comfordabul joke.

No, not that one.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: good sam on February 15, 2013, 11:18:22 AM
Bump
http://forums.dansdeals.com/index.php?topic=5432.0
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: mmermss on February 15, 2013, 12:00:03 PM
http://forums.dansdeals.com/index.php?topic=5432.0

Thanks!
Didn't think to search for that  :-[
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: DrDanny on February 17, 2013, 10:35:27 PM
Mike is a 30 year old successful investor. He goes out and buys a brand new Lamborghini for his birthday. He stays up all night and at 4 in the morning he gets on the freeway near his home to try out his new toy. He takes her up to 180mph enjoying the thrill of the immense power under the hood. Suddenly, he passes a cop who flicks on his lights and gives chase. Mike obediently slows down and pulls onto the shoulder. The cop gets out and comes over to his window. He gives Mike a dirty look and says, "clearly we both know why I pulled you over." Mike smiles at him and calmly says, "ye, because I let you"
;D
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: rots5 on February 18, 2013, 10:51:47 AM
Mike is a 30 year old successful investor. He goes out and buys a brand new Lamborghini for his birthday. He stays up all night and at 4 in the morning he gets on the freeway near his home to try out his new toy. He takes her up to 180mph enjoying the thrill of the immense power under the hood. Suddenly, he passes a cop who flicks on his lights and gives chase. Mike obediently slows down and pulls onto the shoulder. The cop gets out and comes over to his window. He gives Mike a dirty look and says, "clearly we both know why I pulled you over." Mike smiles at him and calmly says, "ye, because I let you"
;D
lol!!
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Moishebatchy on February 18, 2013, 11:32:53 AM
WARNING: Dyslexic zombie on the loose. All persons named "Brian" are warned to proceed with extreme caution...
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: yuneeq on February 18, 2013, 02:28:12 PM
Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac?

He stayed up all night wondering if there was a dog.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: outsider on February 18, 2013, 02:44:06 PM
Some good laughs here   ;D

Here goes one:

A female employee was very upset when she found out that her pay was much lower than her male co worker, she stormed into her bosses office and said "i am a woman and expect to be treated like one a woman deserves", her boss replied "no problem, please iron my shirt"

Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: PlatinumGuy on February 18, 2013, 03:02:40 PM
POTUS, Barack Obama will be visiting Israel in March as a result of the El-Al fare glitch
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: outsider on February 18, 2013, 03:11:22 PM
POTUS, Barack Obama will be visiting Israel in March as a result of the El-Al fare glitch
good one! Missex that deal myself by the time i got home it was dead
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: PlatinumGuy on February 18, 2013, 03:13:02 PM
good one! Missex that deal myself by the time i got home it was dead
Not mine
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: PlatinumGuy on February 28, 2013, 11:32:15 PM
If I got any worse at bowling I would need to wear a helmet.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: ChAiM'l on March 07, 2013, 10:00:45 AM
Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle
please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The first officer is stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too.
Title: Re: jokes, any type goes.Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: rots5 on March 07, 2013, 11:53:48 AM
Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle
please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The first officer is stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too.
have heard this one before, and i still like this one!
Title: Re: Re: Favors Master Thread! Ask or Do Another DDF'er a Favor
Post by: Moshe123 on March 08, 2013, 09:25:52 AM
Hi all, I need a favor.
I badly want to laugh, can someone please tell me a joke I never heard before? TIA.

A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it. One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, “There’s a way to make the car easier to sell, but it’s not legal.” “That doesn’t matter,” replied the blonde, “if only I can sell the car.” “Okay,” said the brunette. “Here’s the address of a friend of mine who owns a garage. Tell him I sent you and he’ll turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it shouldn’t be a problem to sell your car.” The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About a month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, “Did you sell your car?” “No,” replied the blonde, “why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it.”
Title: Re: Re: Favors Master Thread! Ask or Do Another DDF'er a Favor
Post by: sky121 on March 08, 2013, 09:29:30 AM
A Jewish couple is sitting together on an airplane flying to the Far East.

Over the public address system, the Captain announces: "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning, and this plane will be going down momentarily. Luckily, I see an island below us that should be able to accommodate our landing. This island appears to be uncharted as I am unable to find it on our maps. So the odds are that we will never be rescued and will have to live on the island for a very long time, if not for the rest of our lives."

A few minutes later the plane lands safely on the island, whereupon Morris turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our pledge to the Yeshiva yet?"

" No, Morris" she responded.

Morris smiles, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our United Jewish Association pledge?"

" Oy no, I haven't sent the check!!"

Now Morris laughs. "One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send our Temple Building Fund check this month?"

" Oy Morris I haven't sent that one, either!"

Now Morris is practically choking with laughter. Esther asks him, "So what are you laughing about?"

Morris responds, "They'll find us!"
Title: Re: Re: Favors Master Thread! Ask or Do Another DDF'er a Favor
Post by: judahk88 on March 08, 2013, 09:30:25 AM
Hi all, I need a favor.
I badly want to laugh, can someone please tell me a joke I never heard before? TIA.
Maybe you should look here (http://forums.dansdeals.com/index.php?topic=344.0)  ;)
Title: Re: Re: Favors Master Thread! Ask or Do Another DDF'er a Favor
Post by: mmermss on March 08, 2013, 09:30:43 AM
Hi all, I need a favor.
I badly want to laugh, can someone please tell me a joke I never heard before? TIA.
ALOL..thanks for the laugh  ;D
Title: Re: Re: Favors Master Thread! Ask or Do Another DDF'er a Favor
Post by: mickeyg on March 08, 2013, 09:34:53 AM
Hi all, I need a favor.
I badly want to laugh, can someone please tell me a joke I never heard before? TIA.

An old Jewish man sits down in a fancy restaurant and orders a bowl of soup. Within 30 seconds of being brought his order, the man calls the waiter over and asks that he taste the soup. The waiter inquires as to the problem. The Jew doesn't answer, but again asks the waiter to taste the soup. The waiter advises that he's not in the habit of tasting patrons' food, but the Jew persists. The waiter asks if the soup's too cold, too hot or contains -- heaven forbid -- a fly. Each time the Jew merely repeats his request for the waiter to taste the soup. Ultimately, the waiter relents, if only to bring some closure to what has become quite an episode. He looks all around the table, and then asks, "Where's the spoon?" To which the Jew replies with a smile, "A-ha."
Title: Re: Re: Favors Master Thread! Ask or Do Another DDF'er a Favor
Post by: judahk88 on March 08, 2013, 09:40:15 AM
A Lawyer and an elderly Jewish man are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer is thinking that Jews are so dumb that he could get over on them easy...so the lawyer asks if the Jew would like to play a fun game.The old Jewish man is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, and says that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500, he says. This catches the Jew's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from The Earth to the Moon?' Theelderly Jew doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.Now, it's the Jew's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?' The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the Jewish man and hands him $500. The old Jew  pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the elderly Jew up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?'The Jew shrugs, reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.
Title: Re: Re: Favors Master Thread! Ask or Do Another DDF'er a Favor
Post by: mickeyg on March 08, 2013, 09:48:47 AM
A Lawyer and an elderly Jewish man are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer is thinking that Jews are so dumb that he could get over on them easy...so the lawyer asks if the Jew would like to play a fun game.The old Jewish man is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, and says that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500, he says. This catches the Jew's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from The Earth to the Moon?' Theelderly Jew doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.Now, it's the Jew's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?' The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the Jewish man and hands him $500. The old Jew  pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the elderly Jew up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?'The Jew shrugs, reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

Never heard this, I am cracking up!
Title: Re: Re: Favors Master Thread! Ask or Do Another DDF'er a Favor
Post by: L'Chaim on March 08, 2013, 09:49:53 AM
Never heard this, I am cracking up!

+1
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: jj1000 on March 08, 2013, 10:07:42 AM
@judahk88 Very nice, Thanks!!!
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Mikeoracle on March 08, 2013, 11:17:55 AM
A jew walks into a restaurant and orders a chicken soup from the newly hired waiter.
5 minutes later the waiter comes out with his soup. As the waiter is walking away the jew pipes up "Excuse me, do you have matzah balls?"
The confused waiter turns red and replies "Why, was I walking funny?"
 ;D
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Centurion on March 09, 2013, 11:15:38 PM
-1
mods?
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: txtmax4 on April 05, 2013, 02:04:56 AM
July 1, 2006 | Issue 26
Segulah Combat Unit Formed

FLATBUSH, BROOKLYN — [TheKnish.com] A year ago, the Rosenberg family of Flatbush was at the depths of despair. Their eldest daughter Pessie had just turned 20 and didn't have a husband, let alone children. On the holiest of days, Yom Kippur, salvation, or so it seemed, arrived in the form of an envelope from a Tzedakah organization. "On the envelope, in English and Yiddish in large capital letters, it said that all the gedolim in the world have personally sent me this letter so I must open it," recalled Moti Rosenberg, the father of the nebach. "If that’s not doche Yom Kippur, I don’t know what is!"

Moti immediately ripped open the letter and learned that if he whirled the letter around his family's heads 17 times while rubbing their stomachs and then sent in a check for $1000, his daughter would merit a chosson. The Rosenbergs swiftly cashed in their food stamps, sent in the money and performed the ritual. When a week later Pessie (who was now approaching the ripe old age of 20 and 2 weeks) remained unmarried, Mr. Rosenberg contacted the tzedakah organization. To his dismay, he found out that he had whirled counterclockwise and the segulah only works with clockwise whirls.

Yanki and Malki Stern were married for 2 months and still childless. Like the Rosenbergs, they too received a letter in the mail explaining an ancient segulah for having a baby boy involving sending $564.135 to a certain tzedakah organization. Excited, they sent in a check for $564.135. Five months later the Sterns became the proud parents of a baby girl. After doing some research it was discovered that the bank rounded to the nearest cent which caused the gender snafu.

When Esther Baumstein’s 103 year-old mother was given a week to live, she received such a letter in the mail. As the letter instructed, she promptly washed her hair in olive oil and sent in a check. Two weeks later, her beloved mother died. After contacting the tzedakah organization, she found to her horror that she had used non-virgin olive oil, when only a virgin sacrifice will do. The organization explained that by doing so she actually murdered her own mother and the only way to atone for it was to make another donation.

When a group of local rabbanim heard these and similar stories, they joined forces to combat this disturbing phenomenon. "These days people will do anything if it is godol-endorsed," said a spokesman for the newly-formed group Rabbanim Interested in the Proper Use of Simanim Of Flatbush and Friends (R.I.P.U.S.O.F.F.). A series of shiurim is being organized to teach people the proper way to do segulahs.

The cost of attendance will be three easy payments of $29.95. Attendees will also learn innovative new segulahs to ensure that any other segulahs they do will be successful. These new segulahs involve donations to R.I.P.U.S.O.F.F.; the good people of Flatbush could not be happier.
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SamKey on April 06, 2013, 09:14:36 PM
What is ygolohcysp
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SamKey on April 06, 2013, 09:48:54 PM
Reverse psycology
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Dan on April 22, 2013, 11:35:38 PM
"Authorities ordered the entire city to shelter-in-place, marking the first time an American city has been completely shut down if you don't count Detroit."
-Stephen Colbert
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: PlatinumGuy on April 22, 2013, 11:50:20 PM
"Authorities ordered the entire city to shelter-in-place, marking the first time an American city has been completely shut down if you don't count Detroit."
-Stephen Colbert
Lol
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: george on April 23, 2013, 01:48:32 AM
Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup? Not every one can mash potatoes.
this version packs more punch IMHO: What's the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup? Anyone can mash potatoes.
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: mmermss on April 25, 2013, 10:11:53 PM
Patient: Doc, the problem is obesity runs in my family.

Doctor: No, the problem is no one runs in your family.
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: jj1000 on April 28, 2013, 05:33:42 PM
Lipa calls a guy up on stage to conduct a song:

Guy: If you would have told me before I would of put on a white shirt.

Lipa: you think Hashem cares if you wear a white shirt?

Guy: Hashem doesn't, but my mother does.

Eta-

Lipa finishes the song and

Lipa says to guy: If your mother ever chepens you about your shirt, you should look her in the eyes and say abeimaleit.

Starts the next song :)
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: DovtheBear on April 28, 2013, 08:19:53 PM
Three sons left home to make their fortunes, and they all did very, very well for themselves. They got together recently and were discussing what they each had done to benefit their aging mother.

"Well," said the first one, "I bought Mom a huge house in Beverly Hills."

"I bought her a Mercedes and hired a full-time driver for her."

"I've got you both beat," said the third. "I bought her a miraculous parrot that can recite any Bible verse you tell it to."

A little later, the mother sent out a thank you letter to all three sons. "Gerald -- the house you bought was too big. I only live in one room, but I have to clean the entire house. Milton -- the car is useless because I don't go anywhere because I'm too old. But Robert -- you know exactly what I like. The chicken was delicious."
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: henche on May 01, 2013, 02:13:23 PM
Hee hee. Here's a tax joke.

959(b) (http://www.law.cornell.edu/uscode/text/26/959) should be titled "Previously F-ed Income"
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Achas Veachas on May 01, 2013, 02:17:48 PM
Hee hee. Here's a tax joke.

959(b)  http://www.law.cornell.edu/uscode/text/26/959 (http://www.law.cornell.edu/uscode/text/26/959) should be titled "Previously F-ed Income"
A bit over my head :-\
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: good sam on May 01, 2013, 02:46:53 PM
Hee hee. Here's a tax joke.

959(b) (http://www.law.cornell.edu/uscode/text/26/959) should be titled "Previously F-ed Income"
::)
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Deal Guy on May 12, 2013, 03:38:32 AM
A woman  goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.  The  Doctor asks: "What's the problem?

 

The woman says:  "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason, and it scares me."

 

The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that.  When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth.  Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or goes to bed and falls asleep.

 

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor, looking fresh and reborn.

 

The woman says:  "Doctor that was a brilliant idea!  Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water.  I swished and swished, and he calmed right down!  How does a glass of water do that?"

 

The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing.  It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick...."

 
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: chaimmayer on May 12, 2013, 09:53:27 AM
Lol!  I probably have to wait till after Mother's Day to say it :D
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: twentie4hrs on May 14, 2013, 10:25:35 AM
An Arab and a Jew go to a pastry shop run by a Greek.
.
The Arab whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed. The baker doesn’t notice.
 
The Arab says to the Jew: You see how clever we are? You’ll never beat that!
 
The Jew says to the Arab:  Watch this; a Jew is always cleverer than an Arab.
 
He says to the baker, give me a cookie, I can show you a magic trick!
 
The baker gives him the cookie which the Jew promptly eats. Then he says to the baker: Give me another cookie for my magic trick.  The baker is getting suspicious but he gives it to him. He eats this one too. The he says again:  Give me one more cookie... The baker is getting angry now but gives him one anyway.  The Jew eats this one too.
 
Now the baker is really mad, and he yells:  And where is your famous magic trick?
 
The Jew says: Look in the Arab’s pocket!
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: PlatinumGuy on May 14, 2013, 10:32:31 AM
Excellent
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Moshe123 on May 14, 2013, 11:22:20 AM
An Arab and a Jew go to a pastry shop run by a Greek.
.
The Arab whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed. The baker doesn’t notice.
 
The Arab says to the Jew: You see how clever we are? You’ll never beat that!
 
The Jew says to the Arab:  Watch this; a Jew is always cleverer than an Arab.
 
He says to the baker, give me a cookie, I can show you a magic trick!
 
The baker gives him the cookie which the Jew promptly eats. Then he says to the baker: Give me another cookie for my magic trick.  The baker is getting suspicious but he gives it to him. He eats this one too. The he says again:  Give me one more cookie... The baker is getting angry now but gives him one anyway.  The Jew eats this one too.
 
Now the baker is really mad, and he yells:  And where is your famous magic trick?
 
The Jew says: Look in the Arab’s pocket!

ALOL
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Achas Veachas on May 20, 2013, 08:49:24 AM
Several scientists were all posed the following question: "What is 2 * 2 ?"
The engineer whips out his slide rule (so it's old) and shuffles it back and forth, and finally announces "3.99".
The physicist consults his technical references, sets up the problem on his computer, and announces "it lies between 3.98 and 4.02".
The mathematician cogitates for a while, then announces: "I don't know what the answer is, but I can tell you, an answer exists!".
Philosopher smiles: "But what do you mean by 2 * 2 ?"
Logician replies: "Please define 2 * 2 more precisely."
The sociologist: "I don't know, but is was nice talking about it".
Behavioral Ecologist: "A polygamous mating system".
Medical Student : "4" All others looking astonished : "How did you know ??" Medical Student : :I memorized it."
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: nafnaf12 on May 20, 2013, 11:05:13 PM
i got caught peeing in the pool today the lifeguard screamed so loud .......i almost fell in.

Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SamKey on May 21, 2013, 02:41:27 AM
i got caught peeing in the pool today the lifeguard screamed so loud .......i almost fell in.
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: meshugener on May 21, 2013, 08:35:34 AM
Why do banks have their doors widely open, but chain the pen to the desk?
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: A3 on May 21, 2013, 08:38:37 AM
i got caught peeing in the pool today the lifeguard screamed so loud .......i almost fell in.


http://www.nydailynews.com/life-style/health/foul-study-finds-plenty-poo-public-pools-article-1.1345988
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Moishebatchy on May 21, 2013, 06:48:18 PM
Why do banks have their doors widely open, but chain the pen to the desk?

Simple: people are less likely to steal a door. And even if yes, it's "chained" via the hinges.
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: meshugener on May 21, 2013, 07:01:17 PM
Simple: people are less likely to steal a door. And even if yes, it's "chained" via the hinges.
Aha
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: george on May 21, 2013, 07:03:13 PM
i got caught peeing in the pool today the lifeguard screamed so loud .......i almost fell in.
ALOL
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: george on May 21, 2013, 07:05:47 PM
Why do banks have their doors widely open, but chain the pen to the desk?
it's not an anti-theft measure, its to make sure they don't get lost.
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SamKey on May 21, 2013, 07:42:06 PM
Simple: people are less likely to steal a door. And even if yes, it's "chained" via the hinges.
AROFL!!!
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: ChAiM'l on May 21, 2013, 07:47:55 PM
AROFL!!!

POIDH
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Moishebatchy on May 21, 2013, 08:15:28 PM
AROFL!!!

Get up, you're getting your clothes dirty.
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: rots5 on May 21, 2013, 08:47:02 PM
Get up, you're getting your clothes dirty.
or cleaner....😉
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Achas Veachas on May 27, 2013, 02:59:21 PM
'yo mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Dan on June 04, 2013, 12:03:32 AM
"A man in Florida has been charged with murder after he butt-dialed 911.
The operator hears him plan the whole murder.
Police say he might've gotten away it if ya' know-if he had T-Mobile."

-Leno
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Moishebatchy on June 04, 2013, 05:32:29 AM
"A man in Florida has been charged with murder after he butt-dialed 911.
The operator hears him plan the whole murder.
Police say he might've gotten away it if ya' know-if he had T-Mobile."

-Leno

ROFL!!!

-A T-Mobile prepaid customer
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: CountValentine on June 04, 2013, 07:37:00 AM
Jeff Dahmer invited his mom over for dinner. They were in the dining room eating quietly for awhile when Jeff's mom looked up and said, "You know, Jeff, I don't really like your friends." Jeff replied, "That's O.K., mom, just eat your vegetables."
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: chaimmayer on June 04, 2013, 08:09:32 AM
Wow.  How many people old enough to remember who that is?
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Mikeoracle on June 04, 2013, 08:15:16 AM

Welcome to our pool
We don't swim in your toilet so please don't pee in our pool
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: CountValentine on June 04, 2013, 09:19:07 AM
Wow.  How many people old enough to remember who that is?
I guess Gacy jokes won't work either?  :)
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Lotofsimcha on June 04, 2013, 06:34:59 PM
How do you get a one armed Polack out of a tree ? Waive !
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: chaimmayer on June 04, 2013, 06:48:38 PM
גבאי Goes over to someone to call him up for an עליה.  He asks him,"what is your name".  He answers "שרה בת ברכה״״". The גבאי says "no I need your name".
The man answers "I am having financial trouble and I am doing everything in my wife's name these days"
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: sky121 on June 04, 2013, 10:39:26 PM
"Before you marry a person, you should make them use a computer with really slow internet to see who they really are.
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: judahk88 on June 04, 2013, 11:24:09 PM
"Before you marry a person, you should make them use a computer with really slow internet to see who they really are.
ALOL
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: DovtheBear on June 04, 2013, 11:24:33 PM
"Before you marry a person, you should make them use a computer with really slow internet to see who they really are.
Uh oh. :-[
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: This is who I am on June 07, 2013, 09:42:12 AM
"Before you marry a person, you should make them use a computer with really slow internet to see who they really are.
HAHAHAHA
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SamKey on June 10, 2013, 04:59:32 PM
A man walks in to a suit store and asks "Can I try on that suit in the window" Rep: Sure but we have changing rooms also"!
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Achas Veachas on June 13, 2013, 02:54:09 PM
"I can't believe the government is reading my emails, even I don't read them".
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: good sam on June 24, 2013, 04:02:23 PM
Knock Knock

Who's there?

George Zimmerman.

George Zimmerman who?

Time for George Zimmerman to get a new attorney.
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: henche on June 24, 2013, 04:03:48 PM
Knock Knock

Who's there?

George Zimmerman.

George Zimmerman who?

Time for George Zimmerman to get a new attorney.

Trial is amazing
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: This is who I am on June 24, 2013, 07:48:38 PM
Trial is amazing
http://www.cnn.com/2013/06/24/justice/zimmerman-trial/index.html
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: ckmk47 on June 27, 2013, 05:22:40 PM
גבאי Goes over to someone to call him up for an עליה.  He asks him,"what is your name".  He answers "שרה בת ברכה״״". The גבאי says "no I need your name".
The man answers "I am having financial trouble and I am doing everything in my wife's name these days"
LOL
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Achas Veachas on June 27, 2013, 05:29:02 PM
An Israeli Kibutznik stumbles into a Shul, the Gabbai seeing a newcomer wants to offer him an Aliyah so he asks him for his name, the Guy says Doron, The Gabay responds "דורון בן...?" The Israeli with a perplexed look says "עשרים ושמונה" The exasperated Gabbai says "לא, לא, האבא" to which the guy replies "אה האבא בן שישים וחמש".
Sounds a lot better when you say it but whatevs :-\
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SamKey on June 27, 2013, 05:55:30 PM
An Israeli Kibutznik stumbles into a Shul, the Gabbai seeing a newcomer wants to offer him an Aliyah so he asks him for his name, the Guy says Doron, The Gabay responds "דורון בן...?" The Israeli with a perplexed look says "עשרים ושמונה" The exasperated Gabbai says "לא, לא, האבא" to which the guy replies "אה האבא בן שישים וחמש".
Sounds a lot better when you say it but whatevs :-\
ALOL!
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: PlatinumGuy on June 27, 2013, 11:23:25 PM
למה חלק מהירושלמים הולכים עם פיז'מות (זברות)? מפני שיושב בטל כישן דמי...
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Moishebatchy on June 28, 2013, 06:17:47 AM
למה חלק מהירושלמים הולכים עם פיז'מות (זברות)? מפני שיושב בטל כישן דמי...
LOL!
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: chaimmayer on June 28, 2013, 11:12:56 AM
An Israeli Kibutznik stumbles into a Shul, the Gabbai seeing a newcomer wants to offer him an Aliyah so he asks him for his name, the Guy says Doron, The Gabay responds "דורון בן...?" The Israeli with a perplexed look says "עשרים ושמונה" The exasperated Gabbai says "לא, לא, האבא" to which the guy replies "אה האבא בן שישים וחמש".
Sounds a lot better when you say it but whatevs :-\
ממש חמוד
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Chaikel on July 01, 2013, 06:03:48 PM
THE JEWISH QUARTERBACK

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Detroit Lions. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in the West  Bank . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.  KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.  KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.
BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you, the old woman says."You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world.  I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get attacked!"  The
old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,..........

"I will never forgive you for making us move to Detroit!!!!
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: semper fi on July 01, 2013, 06:42:19 PM
THE JEWISH QUARTERBACK

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Detroit Lions. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in the West  Bank . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.  KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.  KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.
BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you, the old woman says."You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world.  I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get attacked!"  The
old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,..........

"I will never forgive you for making us move to Detroit!!!!
ALOL, seems like you have something with Detroit!
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SamKey on July 01, 2013, 08:03:43 PM
ALOL, seems like you have something with Detroit!
http://forums.dansdeals.com/index.php?topic=21675.msg453434#msg453434 (http://forums.dansdeals.com/index.php?topic=21675.msg453434#msg453434)
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: damaxer91 on July 01, 2013, 08:17:27 PM
THE JEWISH QUARTERBACK

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Detroit Lions. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in the West  Bank . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.  KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.  KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.
BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you, the old woman says."You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world.  I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get attacked!"  The
old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,..........

"I will never forgive you for making us move to Detroit!!!!

Love it!
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: birne on July 01, 2013, 08:45:38 PM
THE JEWISH QUARTERBACK

....... "Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get attacked!"  The
old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,..........

"I will never forgive you for making us move to Detroit!!!!
ROFLMAO!  best joke I heard in a while!
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: mmermss on July 10, 2013, 05:30:34 PM
Critical Thinking At Its Best

Woman: Do you drink beer?
Man:Yes

Woman: How many beers a day?
Man: Usually about 3

Woman: How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5.00 which includes a tip

(This is where it gets scary !)

Woman: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: About 20 years, I suppose

Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your
spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately
$5,400 … correct?
Man: Correct

Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5,400, not accounting for inflation,
the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?
Man: Correct

Woman: Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money
could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after
accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have
now bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you drink beer?

Woman: No
Man: Where’s your Ferrari?
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Moshe90 on July 10, 2013, 08:39:45 PM
Critical Thinking At Its Best

Woman: Do you drink beer?
Man:Yes

Woman: How many beers a day?
Man: Usually about 3

Woman: How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5.00 which includes a tip

(This is where it gets scary !)

Woman: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: About 20 years, I suppose

Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your
spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately
$5,400 … correct?
Man: Correct

Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5,400, not accounting for inflation,
the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?
Man: Correct

Woman: Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money
could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after
accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have
now bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you drink beer?

Woman: No
Man: Where’s your Ferrari?
+1
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Achas Veachas on July 12, 2013, 06:16:54 PM
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson are on a camping trip.

In the middle of the night, Holmes nudges Watson awake, and says, "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

"I see millions of stars, my dear Holmes."

"And what do you infer from these stars?"

"Well, a number of things," he says, lighting his pipe:

Astronomically, I observe that there are millions of galaxies and billions of stars and planets.

Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.

Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I expect that the weather will be fine and clear.

Theologically, I see that God is all-powerful, and man, his creation, small and insignificant.

What about you, Holmes?"

"Watson, you fool. Someone has stolen our tent!"
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Moishebatchy on July 12, 2013, 06:21:55 PM
An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their cell phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.

One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. She decided to send her husband a romantic text message, so she wrote:

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you."

The husband texted back to her: "I'm on the toilet. Please advise."
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Achas Veachas on July 15, 2013, 02:22:10 PM
An astronomer, a physicist and a mathematician were on holiday in Scotland. Glancing from a train window, they observed a black sheep in the middle of a field.

"How interesting," observed the astronomer, "Scottish sheep are black!"

To which the physicist responded, "No, no! Some Scottish sheep are black!"

The mathematician rolled his eyes and said, "In Scotland there exists at least one field, containing at least one sheep, at least one side of which is black."
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Dan on July 15, 2013, 04:44:06 PM
(http://media.boingboing.net/wp-content/uploads/2013/07/NewImage75.png)




"The news is that Asiana Airlines is suing the station.. The law firm of "Dewey, Cheatem & Howe" is taking the case."
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: henche on July 15, 2013, 04:50:20 PM
Old one, was on YWN. (and probably here a year ago or two)

How is tisha b'av like bein hazmanim?
We wear crocs, don't learn, and put on teffilin at mincha.
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Yeki89 on July 19, 2013, 10:47:28 AM
I heard this one last night.

2 Galitzyaners are talking about a shidduch. So one asked "tell me about the family"
So the other one replied, "you know us Galitzyaner are cheap, but this one is real cheap."
"I hear" replied the first, "now tell me a chisaron"
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: good sam on July 19, 2013, 11:19:45 AM
I heard this one last night.

2 Galitzyaners are talking about a shidduch. So one asked "tell me about the family"
So the other one replied, "you know us Galitzyaner are cheap, but this one is real cheap."
"I hear" replied the first, "now tell me a chisaron"
I'll hit you back with a Yeki joke:

A Yeki couple were on the verge of divorce when the husband inexplicably began arriving home late from Shul.  The couple ultimately reconciled after it was explained to the wife that they'd begun saying V'sayn Tal U'matar.
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Yeki89 on July 19, 2013, 12:51:29 PM
I'll hit you back with a Yeki joke:

A Yeki couple were on the verge of divorce when the husband inexplicably began arriving home late from Shul.  The couple ultimately reconciled after it was explained to the wife that they'd begun saying V'sayn Tal U'matar.
Any worse noise then a groan?
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: good sam on July 19, 2013, 12:56:14 PM
Any worse noise then a groan?
I guess I could have used your joke as a template- just replace "galitzyaner" with any discrete group and "cheap" with the stereotype attributed to that group.
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Yeki89 on July 19, 2013, 01:05:58 PM
true, but t.I was relaying how I heard it.
Here is another one.

A pollack walked into a hardware store and asked for a kielbasa. The store owner tells him, "you most be Polish" he replies, "why because I called a hotdog a kielbasa?"
"no" replied the owner, "this is a hardware store".
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: good sam on July 19, 2013, 01:35:33 PM
A Yeki once bought a ticket to Israel and specified that he wanted a window seat.  Upon boarding, he realized he was given a middle seat.  When he arrived, he complained to the airline.  The woman at the gate was sympathetic, but asked "Couldn't you just ask the person sitting next to you to switch?"

"No," he responded, "There was no one to ask.  I had the entire section to myself."
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Achas Veachas on July 28, 2013, 07:03:56 PM

A priest and a rabbi are sitting together. The priest says to the rabbi, "Rabbi, tell me the truth. Have you ever been tempted, and, you know, eaten pork?"

The rabbi says, "Yes, once when I was young I was weak, and tasted of the flesh of the swine." He continued, "Since we're being honest, Father, tell me. Have you ever given in to the sins of the flesh?"

The priest turns red, and says, "Yes, to be honest, once I did give in to temptation, and slept with a woman."

The rabbi looks at him for a moment, and then says, "Sure beats the hell out of pork, doesn't it?"
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SamKey on July 29, 2013, 11:42:19 AM
A man comes home from work one day only too have his wife screaming at him "How many times do i have to tell you don't use the guest towels! To which he responds "IF I SLEEP IN THE GUEST ROOM I CAN USE THE GUEST TOWELS!"
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Achas Veachas on August 15, 2013, 11:18:42 PM
http://scmp.com/news/china/article/1296783/henan-zoo-puts-dog-cage-labels-it-african-lion

Reminds me of the famous joke, I'll write it later when I get a chance
Moishe comes across some hard times and hears the Bronx Zoo is hiring. He goes to HR and the man behind the desk tells him, "Listen, our monkey just died and it'll take us a while to get a new one, what we want you to do is, wear a monkey costume and swing in the branches, entertain our visitors, no one will have a clue". Without too many other choices Moishe agrees. He gets fitted for his monkey costume and before long he slips into his role to the amusement of his daily audience. One day as Moishe is swinging in his habitat, a branch snaps sending him flying right into the nearby lions cage. Before he has a chance to figure out what happened the lion already noticed the visitor and was heading over to investigate. The frightened Moishe, forgetting where he is starts screaming "Shema Yisroel", but as he's preparing for the worst he hears the lion growling under his Breath "Boruch Sheim Kevod Malchuso Le'olam Va'ed". The shocked Moishe doesn't even have a chance to recover before the wolf next door howls "Shut up you Shmucks before we all get fired!".
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: meshugener on August 16, 2013, 09:23:31 AM
ALOL!
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: henche on August 19, 2013, 08:07:57 AM
Moishe comes across some hard times and hears the Bronx Zoo is hiring. He goes to HR and the man behind the desk tells him, "Listen, our monkey just died and it'll take us a while to get a new one, what we want you to do is, wear a monkey costume and swing in the branches, entertain our visitors, no one will have a clue". Without too many other choices Moishe agrees. He gets fitted for his monkey costume and before long he slips into his role to the amusement of his daily audience. One day as Moishe is swinging in his habitat, a branch snaps sending him flying right into the nearby lions cage. Before he has a chance to figure out what happened the lion already noticed the visitor and was heading over to investigate. The frightened Moishe, forgetting where he is starts screaming "Shema Yisroel", but as he's preparing for the worst he hears the lion growling under his Breath "Boruch Sheim Kevod Malchuso Le'olam Va'ed". The shocked Moishe doesn't even have a chance to recover before the wolf next door howls "Shut up you Shmucks before we all get fired!".

http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/sideshow/-chinese-zoo-tries-passing-dog-off-as-lion--180952559.html
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: ChAiM'l on August 19, 2013, 08:18:13 AM
http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/sideshow/-chinese-zoo-tries-passing-dog-off-as-lion--180952559.html

http://forums.dansdeals.com/index.php?topic=13937.msg565777.msg#565777
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Achas Veachas on August 19, 2013, 08:39:08 AM
And round and around we go... lol
Title: Amazon Funniest Reviews
Post by: Yoel on August 19, 2013, 04:05:03 PM
http://www.amazon.com/gp/feature.html?ie=UTF8&docId=1001250201
Title: Re: Amazon Funniest Reviews
Post by: Achas Veachas on August 19, 2013, 07:11:47 PM
Great find!

Maybe it should be merged here? (http://forums.dansdeals.com/index.php?topic=20380.msg307648#msg307648)
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Zalmy2 on August 21, 2013, 10:45:00 AM
If anyone is having a bad day, remember that today in 1976 Ronald Wayne sold his 10% stake in Apple for $801. Now its worth $58,065,210,000
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Dave321 on August 21, 2013, 10:53:12 AM
If anyone is having a bad day, remember that today in 1976 Ronald Wayne sold his 10% stake in Apple for $801. Now its worth $58,065,210,000

I believe it was 2,300.

http://news.yahoo.com/day-1976-apple-co-founder-ronald-wayne-sold-170018293.html
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: henche on August 21, 2013, 11:13:00 AM
If anyone is having a bad day, remember that today in 1976 Ronald Wayne sold his 10% stake in Apple for $801. Now its worth $58,065,210,000

He should reassure himself that they would never have been so successful with him involved anyway.  :P
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SamKey on August 21, 2013, 11:16:18 AM
Who bought it and why isn't he a multi-trillionaire?
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: skyguy918 on August 21, 2013, 11:32:12 AM
If anyone is having a bad day, remember that today in 1976 Ronald Wayne sold his 10% stake in Apple for $801. Now its worth $58,065,210,000

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2279864/?ref_=sr_1 (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2279864/?ref_=sr_1)
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: jj1000 on August 22, 2013, 09:25:00 AM
For CV

Why did the post office recall the new lawyer stamps?

Because people could not tell which side to spit on.

And if anyone is bored here are some other shamelessly copied from here (http://mason.gmu.edu/~rrotunda/lawyer.htm).

"I present these lawyer jokes with a caveat: Lawyers often think that the jokes are not funny, and nonlawyers fail to understand that they are not jokes.
 
 
The problem is that 99% of lawyers give the rest of us a bad name.
 
A man nervously dialed the office of his attorney.  "I'd like to speak to my lawyer," he told the secretary who answered the phone.
"I'm sorry, sir," the secretary told him, "but he has passed away.  He's dead."  The man hung up with a mumbled "Thank-you."
 
A week later, though, he called back.  "Could I talk to my lawyer?" he asked.  "Haven't we spoken before, sir?"  the secretary inquired.  "I could have sworn I talked to you last week. He's dead."  "OK," said the caller.  "Sorry to bother you."
 
Only seven days afterward, though, the secretary heard a by-now-familiar voice at the other end of the line. "Is there any chance
you could connect me with my lawyer?" the man wanted to know.
 
By now, the secretary was exasperated.  "I know we've spoken before, sir. I've told you: he's dead!  Why do you keep calling back?
Don't you get it? He's dead!"
 
The man paused before he answered.  "I know, I know . . . . I just enjoy hearing it so much!"
 
Bumper sticker:            "Support Mental Health or I’ll Kill You"
 
 
A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial:

Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?

A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.

Q. Officer, who provided this description?

A. The officer who responded to the scene.

Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?

A. Yes sir, with my life.

Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer —  do you have a locker room in the police station —  a room where you change your clothes in preparation for you daily duties?

A. Yes sir, we do.

Q. And do you have a locker in that room?

A. Yes sir, I do.

Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?

A. Yes sir.

Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?

A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.

A man and a woman were conversing at a party. The woman said: "Lawyers are jerks." The man responded: "I take offense to that remark." "Why," said the woman. "Are you a lawyer?" "No," he responded: "I'm a jerk."

Moe: It was so cold last night, I just couldn't believe it.

Joe: Well, how cold was it?

Moe: It was so cold, that I saw a lawyer with both hands in his own pockets.

Q.  What do lawyers use for birth control?

A. Their personalities.


    In Portuguese, a lawyer is called advogado; in French a lawyer is called avocat; and in Italian, a lawyer is called avvocato.  All three language appear to compare lawyers to avocados, because both the fruit and lawyers have hearts of stone.


    "Under democracy, one party always devotes its chief energies to trying to prove that the other party is unfit to rule —  and both commonly succeed, and are right."
                                                                   H.L. Mencken

    One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail when he tripped over a large snake and then he fell, KerPlop! — right on his twitchy little nose. "Oh, please excuse me," said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and cannot see."

    "That's perfectly all right," said the snake. "Actually, I think it was really my fault. I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?"

    "Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out."

    So the snake felt the bunny all over, and then said: "Well, you're soft and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail, and a dear twitchy little nose. You must be a BUNNY RABBIT!"

    And the little bunny was so pleased that he danced with joy. He told the snake, "I can't thank you enough. By the way, what kind of animal are you?"

    The snake replied that he really didn't know, because he also was blind. So, the bunny said, "Let me return the favor and examine you." When the bunny had finished, the snake said, "Well, what kind of animal am I?"

    The bunny replied: "You're hard; you're cold; you're slimy, and you haven't got any balls. You must be a . . . . lawyer." And the snake was very sad.


    The plaintiff sued the Acme Moving Company for injuries suffered when the Acme Moving Van hit the plaintiff's truck,
which was carrying his prize mule, Bessie.  Acme’s lawyer, in the course of cross-examining the plaintiff, asked:

          "When the state trooper came to the scene of the accident and asked how you were, you said, ‘I feel fine,’ didn't you?"

     The plaintiff responded, "Well, yes."

     The lawyer could not leave well enough alone, so he then asked: "Now you claim that you were severely injured,
so why did you say that you felt fine immediately after the accident?"

           "Well as I was saying, I had just  loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into my truck and was driving her down
the highway when this huge semi truck and trailer ran the stop sign and  smacked my truck right in the side. I was
thrown into one ditch and Bessie  was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move.
However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning
so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot  her between the eyes. Then the
Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me.  He said, ‘Your mule was in
such bad shape I  had to shoot her.  How are you feeling?’"


        A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would  see walking on the side of the road.  Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the street, he would swerve to hit him.  After hearing a loud  "THUD," he would swerve back on the road.

       One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking.  He stopped and asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"  "I'm going to the church 5 miles down this road," replied the priest.  "No problem, Father. I'll give you a lift.  Climb in the truck."

        The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver  continued driving.  Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him.  But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved and missed the lawyer.  However, he still heard a loud "THUD."  Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and, when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry, Father.  I guess that I must have hit that lawyer."

         "You missed him," replied the priest. "But that's OK. I got him with the door."
 


Q:   Where does a vampire learn how to suck blood?

A:    During his first year of Law School.


    A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer.

    "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined."

    "It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer.

    "Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?"

    "Oh no!  This judge is a stickler or ethical behavior.  A stunt like that would prejudice him against you.  He might even hold you in contempt of court.  In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge."

    Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant.   As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars.  It worked!"

    "I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them."

    "But I did send them."

    "What??  You did???"

    "Yes.  That's how we won the case."

    "I don't understand," said the lawyer.

    "It's easy.  I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card."
_____________________________________


What do you call a lawyer with an I. Q. of 50?

     Your honor.

What do you call a lawyer whose gone bad?

     Senator.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?

     You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!

What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?

     A good start!


 

How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?

     Depends on how thin you slice them.

Why won't sharks attack lawyers?

     Professional courtesy.

What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?

     Not enough sand.

How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?

     Cut the rope.

How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?

     Shoot him before he hits the water.

What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?

     When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.

Now, what is the definition of a "crying shame"?

     There was an empty seat.

How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus?

     Never enough.

Have you heard about the lawyers word processor?

     No matter what font you select, everything come out in fine print.

What do you buy a friend graduating from Law School?

     A lobotomy.

What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?

     One's a bottom crawling scum sucker and the other's just a fish.

Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?

     He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.

What does a lawyer and a sperm have in common?

     Both have about a one in 3 million chance of becoming a human being.

Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?

     From chasing parked ambulances.

Where can you find a good lawyer?

     In the cemetery


    The SEC finally indicted a famous stock swindler, who had gotten rich though the use of insider trading.  The swindler hired a lawyer and said, "Do whatever you can; I just don’t want to be sentenced to prison.  I’ve gotten quite wealthy over the years, and I want to enjoy that wealth.  I can’t enjoy it while I’m in prison."  The lawyer responded,   "Take heart.  I can assure you that you will never have to go to prison with all that money."  And the lawyer was right.  the swindler was convicted and sent to prison to serve a long jail term, but the swindler never went to prison with all that money.  The swindler went to prison flat broke.  The lawyer, on the other hand, made out quite well.

What's the difference between a herd of lawyers and a herd of buffalo?

     The lawyers charge more.


    It is a little known historical fact that, at the Charge of the Light Brigade, the front line was composed of soldiers who were all lawyers.  The generals thought — correctly — that when the time came to charge, the lawyers would perform the bese because they really know how to charge.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?

     A vampire only sucks blood at night.

How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?

     You need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.

Why did the post office recall the new lawyer stamps?

     Because people could not tell which side to spit on.

Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?

     It's called, Sosumi.

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a  hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?

     The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.

What is the ideal weight of a lawyer?

     About three pounds, including the urn.


       Two men were lost on a hot air balloon journey.  The only way to determine their location was to maneuver the balloon close enough to the ground so that they could yell down, and ask someone.  They came across a man walking his dog.  "Where are we," they shouted?  The man looked up . . . and yelled back, "In a Hot Air Balloon."  One balloonist then turned to the other and shrugged.  "Isn't that our luck, to only come across a lawyer."  "How do you know he was a lawyer?"  "Because the information, as usual, was accurate, but useless."  "Well," said the other, at least he didn't charge us."


        A truck driver was driving down the highway when he saw a priest standing by the side of the road.   He stopped to pick up the priest and gave him a ride.   A little later, the road the truck driver saw, on the side of the road, a fellow whom he recognized as a local lawyer.  He turned the truck on a direct collision course with the lawyer and his briefcase.  Then the truck driver had second thoughts.  "Oh, no," he thought.  "I have a priest in the truck.  As much as I hate lawyers, I can't simply run down this lawyer, with a priest sitting in the truck right next to me."  So, at the last second, the truck driver swerved and missed the lawyer.  Nonetheless, the truck driver heard a thump outside of his truck.  He looked in his rear-view mirror but still didn't see anything.  He then turned to the priest and said "Sorry Father, I just missed that lawyer at the side of the road."  And the priest said "Don't worry son; I got him with my door"


    After lawyers die, they still are lawyers.  We know that because they lie still.

A lawyer questioning a doctor during a trial:

Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"

A: "No."

Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"

A: "No."

Q: "Did you check for breathing?"

A: "No."

Q: "So, then, it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"

A: "No."

Q: "How can you be so sure, doctor?"

A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."

Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"

A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."


    Two young ladies were comparing notes in the doctor’s office.  Both were pregnant, and the first said to the second, "I just know that I will have a baby boy."  The other said, "I don’t know yet if it’s a boy or girl, but the doctor told me that the baby would become a lawyer."  How do you know that?," said the first woman.  "Because I have constant cravings for baloney."

Car Crashes — from the Perspective of the Drivers:

Actual statements (found on the insurance forms of a British auto insurance company) of car drivers explaining and summarizing the details of their accident in the fewest possible words. The trial lawyers must have had fun with these.

1. Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.

2. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.

3. I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.

4. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

5. A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.

6. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

7. The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

8. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.

9. I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As soon as I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.

10. I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

11. I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

12. As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid this accident.

13. To avoid hitting the bumper of my car in front I struck the pedestrian.

14. My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

15. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

16. I told the police I was not injured, but on removing my hat I found that I had a fractured skull.

17. The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.

18. I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.

19. I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.

20. The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

21. I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.

===============================================================

What is the difference between a brilliant lawyer and a stupid lawyer?

Brilliance has its limits.

=================================================================================================

In 1770, King George asked for a census of all the people in the colonies. This is the actual report, verbatim, that Grafton County, New Hampshire sent to the King:

"Your Royal Majesty, Grafton County, New Hampshire, consists of 1,012 square miles. It contains 6,489 souls, most of whom are engaged in agriculture, but included in that number are 69 wheelwrights, 8 doctors, 29 blacksmiths, 87 preachers, 20 slaves and 90 students at the new college. There is not one lawyer, for which fact we take no personal credit, but thank and Almighty and Merciful God."
================================================================================================

How do lawyers get involved in philanthropy?

They sue a charity.

================================================================================================

The Art of Direct and Cross Examination Examination

Questions Actually Asked by Trial Lawyers ——

 

1. Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?

2.

Q: What happened then?

A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."

Q: Did he kill you?

3. Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

4. The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

5. Were you alone or by yourself?

6. How long have you been a French Canadian?

7. Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

8.    Q: I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture.

    A: That's me. Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?

9. Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?

10.    Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?

    A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

11.    Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?

    A: I'll be three months on November 8.

    Q: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?

    A: Yes.

    Q: What were you doing at that time?

12.    Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?

    A: I used to be.

    Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

13. So you were gone until you returned?

14.    Q: She had three children, right?

    A: Yes.

    Q: How many were boys?

    A: None.

    Q: Were there girls?

15. You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?

16.    Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?

    A: Yes.

    Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

17. A attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."

18.    Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Williamson at the rose Chapel?

    A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m.

    Q: And Mr. Williamson was dead at the time, is that correct?

    A: No, you stupid, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!

19.    Q: What is your brother-in-law's name?

    A: Vorokin.

    Q: What's his first name?

    A: I can't remember.

    Q: He's been your brother-in-law for years and you can't remember his name?

    A: No. I tell you I'm too excited (rising from witness chair). Nathan, for God's sake tell him your name!

20.    Q: Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?

    A: I refuse to answer that question.

    Q: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?

    A: I refuse to answer that question.

    Q: Did you ever stay all night with that man in Miami?

    A: No.

21.    Q: Now Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?

    A: By death.

    Q: And by who's death was it terminated?

22.     Q: Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?

    A: No. I said he was shot in the lumbar region.

23.    Q: What is your name?

    A: Mary Ann Jones.

    Q: And what is your marital status?

    A: Fair.

24.    Q: Are you married?

    A: No, I'm divorced.

    Q: And what did your husband do before you divorced him?

    A: A lot of things I didn't know about.

25.    Q: And who is this person you are speaking of?

    A: My ex-widow said it.

26.    Q: How did you happen to go to Dr. Smith?

    A: Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by him, and she said he was really good.

27.    Q: Do you believe you are emotionally unstable?

    A: I should be.

    Q: And how many times have you committed suicide?

    A: Four times.

28.    Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

    A: All my autopsies have been on dead people.

29.    Q: Were you acquainted with the deceased?

    A: Yes.

    Q: Before or after he died?

30.    Q: Officer, what led you to believe this man was under the influence?

    A: Because he was argumentinary and couldn't pronunciate his words.

31.    Q: What happened then?

    A: He told me he had to kill me because I could identify him.

    Q: Did he kill you?

32.

Q: Mrs. Jones, is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice I sent to your attorney?

A: No. This is how I dress when I go to work.

33.

The Court: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.

34.

Q: Did he pick the dog up by his ears?

A: No.

Q: What was he doing with the dog's ears?

A: Picking them up in the air?

Q: Where was the dog at this time?

A: Attached to the ears.

35.

Q: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and was able, for the time being excluding all restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?

Attorney: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.

36.

Q: Gary, all your answer must be oral, okay? Now, what school did you go to?

A: Oral.

37.

Q: What is your relationship with the plaintiff?

A: She is my daughter.

Q: And was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?

38.

Q: Now you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?

39.

Q: And what did he do then?

A: He came home, and the next morning he was dead.

Q: So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?

40.

Q: Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?

A: He didn't offer me nothing but the furniture.

41.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

A: Yes, I have been since early childhood.

42.

Q: Were you shot in the fracas?

A: No. I was shot halfway between the fracas and the naval.

43.

Q: What is the meaning of sperm being present?

A: It indicates intercourse.

Q: Male sperm?

A: That the only kind I know.

44.

Q: (showing a picture) That's you?

A: Yes.

Q: Were you present when the picture was taken?

45.

Q: When you came out of the anesthesia, what did you observe?

A: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.

46.

Q: Could you see him from where you were standing?

A: I could see his head.

Q: And where was his head?

A: Just above his shoulders.

47.

Q: What can you tell us about the truthfulness and veracity of the defendant?

A: Oh, she will always tell the truth. She said she was going to kill that sonofabitch, and she did!

48.

Q: Do you drink when you are on duty?

A: Not unless I come on duty drunk.

49.

Q: Do you have any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial, instead of an attempted murder trial?

A: The victim lived.

50.

Q: Are you sexually active?

A: No, I just lie there.

================================================================================================

Three lawyers and three MBAs were traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three lawyers each bought tickets and watched as the three MBAs bought only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked a lawyer.

"Watch and you'll see," answered an MBA.

They all boarded the train. The lawyers took their respective seats but all three MBAs crammed into a rest room and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restore door and said, Ticket, please."

The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The conductor took it and moved on.

The lawyers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the lawyers decided to copy the MBAs on the return trip and save some money (recognizing the MBAs superior intellect and lower ethical standards). When they got to the station, the lawyers bought a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the MBAs didn't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" said one of the perplexed lawyers.

"Watch and you'll see," answered the first MBA.

When they boarded the train the three lawyers crammed into a restore and the three MBAs crammed into another one nearby. Shortly after the train departed, one of the MBAs left his restore and walked over to the restore where the lawyers were hiding. He knocked on the door and said: "Ticket, please."

================================================================================================

When judges assume the bench, the first thing they do is tell three lies.

First: "I am overworked."

Second: "I am underpaid."

And third: "I was a great trial lawyer."

================================================================================================

A man walked into a bar, with a 25 foot alligator on a leash.

"Do you serve lawyers?," he said. "Of course," the bartender responded."

"Great," said the man. "I'll have a Bud Light, and my friend here will have a lawyer."

================================================================================================

God gives judges two things to help them in their work.

First, a robe, so they can look distinguished.

And, second, hemorrhoids, so they can look concerned.

================================================================================================

A rabbi, a Hindu, and a lawyer were in a car. They ran out of gas, and were forced to stop at a farmers house. The farmer said that there are only 2 extra beds, and one person will have to sleep in the barn.

The Hindu volunteered: "I'm humble, I'll sleep in the barn," so he went out to the barn. In a few minutes, the farmer heard a knock on the door. It was the Hindu, who said, "There is a cow in the barn. It's against my beliefs to sleep with a cow."

So the rabbi said, "I'm humble, I'll sleep in the barn." A few minutes later, the farmer heard another knock on the door and it was the rabbi. He said that it is against his beliefs to sleep where there is a pig, and there is a pig in the barn.

So the lawyer was forced to sleep in the barn. A few minutes later, there was another knock on the door. It was the pig and the cow.

================================================================================================

Sign in a Lawyer's Office:

We do three kinds of jobs: cheap, quick, and good. You can have any three.

A good job quick, won't be cheap.

A good job cheap, won't be quick.

A cheap job quick, won't be good.

================================================================================================

You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake, and a lawyer. You have a gun, but it only has two bullets. What should you do?

Shoot the lawyer.  Twice.

================================================================================================

What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?

The tick falls off when you die.

================================================================================================

What do you have when you see 100 lawyers buried up to their neck in sand?

Not enough sand.

================================================================================================

Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?

If one side has one, the other side has to get one too.

Once launched, they cannot be recalled.

When they land, they screw up everything, forever.

================================================================================================

Why did the Post Office just recall their latest stamps?

They had pictures of lawyers on them, and people could not figure out which side to spit on.

================================================================================================

What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?

Skeet.

================================================================================================

If you see a lawyer on your bicycle, why should you never swerve in an effort to hit the bicycle?

Because, it might be your bicycle.

================================================================================================

Santa Clause, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer, and an old drunk were walking down the street together when they simultaneously spotted a hundred dollar bill. Who was the one person who got to keep the hundred dollar bill?

The old drunk, of course. The other three are mythical creatures.

================================================================================================

A potential client walked into the lawyer's office and inquired about her rates.

$50.00 for the first three questions," the lawyer replied.

The potential client asked, "Isn't that awfully steep?"

"Yes," said the lawyer. "And what was your third question?"

================================================================================================

A bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. A big reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising bounty hunter made a special effort to track him down. After a lengthy search, the bounty hunter found the bandit at his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, drew his trusty six-shooter, pointed it to the back of the bandit's head, and said: "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid all of your loot, or I'll blow your brains out." Unfortunately, the bandit did not speak English, and the bounty hunter spoke no Spanish. But, as luck would have it, a bilingual lawyer was in the cantina, and translated the bounty hunter's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried in the rear of the cantina, under the old oak tree. The bounty hunter asked the lawyer, "What did the bandit say?" The lawyer answered: "He said, 'Get lost Gringo. You don't have the guts to shoot me."

================================================================================================

It got so cold in northern Maine one winter that the local lawyers had to keep their hands in their own pockets.

================================================================================================

What is the difference between a lawyer and a tick?

One of them lets go upon death.

================================================================================================

An engineer died and reported to the pearly gates. St. Peter checked his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer — you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reported to the gates of hell and entered. Pretty soon, the engineer became dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and began designing and building improvements. After a while, hell had air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators. The engineer became a very popular fellow. Later, God called Satan on the telephone and said with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replied, "Hey [or perhaps he said, "Hell"], things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replied in surprise: "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan retorted, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God said, "Yes, way. Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughed uproariously and answered, "Yeah, right. And just where are You going to get a lawyer?"

================================================================================================

Bumper Stickers:

IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

When you do a good deed, get a receipt — in case heaven is like the IRS.

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

The problem with experience being such a good teacher is the test comes before the course: Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

He who hesitates is probably right.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

A clear conscience may be the sign of a bad memory.

Change is inevitable — except from vending machines.

Lawyers are modest. And are proud of it!

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of loan payments.

Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.

Borrow money from pessimists — they don't expect it back.

The problem is, 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. And, 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

================================================================================================

"Contrary to what some people claim, the tax laws have a lot of respect for logic. They use it so sparingly."

— Jeffrey Yablon, Washington, D.C. Tax Lawyer

================================================================================================

How many lawyers' jokes are there?

Only three; the rest are all true.

================================================================================================

Four surgeons were sitting in a hospital break room talking. The first one commented that he liked to operate on librarians,
"Cut them open and everything inside is in alphabetical order, what could be easier than that" he said. The second surgeon said that he preferred accountants, because everything inside was numbered. The third doctor preferred engineers, because they were all color coded. The fourth surgeons disagreed with his companions, he was insistent that lawyers were the easiest to operate on.
"Think about it" he said "they are heartless, gutless, brainless, and spineless, and their heads and their rear ends are interchangeable."

================================================================================================

"If law school is so hard, how come there are so many lawyers?"

— Calvin Trilling

================================================================================================

Why do we like lawyers buried 24 feet underground?

Because deep down they are such good fellows.
================================================================================================
It had been a long day in traffic court, and the judge was listening to the final case on the docket.
The police officer stated that he had observed the defendant traveling significantly above the posted speed limit. In response,
the defendant went on and on about the road conditions, the amount of traffic and his innocence.
Then, certain he had won his case, he melodramatically proclaimed, "Why, your Honor, I'll even take a lie detector test."
"Son," the judge wearily replied, "I am the lie detector." —
================================================================================================
It was an outstanding case in a small western mining town. Joe was brought in on an assault charge. The state presented the weapons he used: a huge telegraph pole, a dagger, a pair of shears, a saw, a gun and a Civil War saber.
Counsel for the defense produced the weapons used by the alleged victim to defend himself: a scythe, a hoe, an ax, a shovel and a pair of tongs. After deliberating, the 12 men of the jury filed in slowly and the foreman read the verdict?
"We the jury would give $5 to have seen the fight."

================================================================================================

Two men had been fighting in the back of the local poolroom. Someone called the police, who arrested the men and took them before the judge. "You two fellows should be ashamed of yourselves," the judge said. "You're grown men, not school kids.
You should be able to settle your dispute without being brought to court." "That's what we were trying to do," one of the men said, "when somebody called the police and they came and interfered."

================================================================================================

The lawyer was examining the witness. "Isn't it true," he shouted, "that you were given $200 to throw this case?"
The witness didn't answer. Instead, he just stared out the window as though he had not even heard the question.
The lawyer repeated the question with the same reaction — again, no response.
Finally, the judge said to the witness, "Please answer the question." "Oh," said the witness with much surprise in his voice,
"I thought he was talking to you."

================================================================================================
"Got my first job," announced the young college grad. "I'm helping out a lawyer."
"Great. What does he pay you?"
"A thousand a week."
"Isn't that an awful lot for a beginner?"
"Not exactly. I only get a hundred in cash and the rest in legal advice."

================================================================================================ The Pope died and went to Heaven, and was given a nice little house with a pleasant garden. However,
next to him was an enormous mansion with magnificent grounds. The Pope, curious, went to St. Peter.
"I don't understand, St. Peter," he said. "I was the Pope. Here in Heaven, I have a modest home while my neighbor has a beautiful mansion. Who lives there?"
"A lawyer," St. Peter explained.
"A lawyer? I don't understand," the puzzled pontiff said.
"Well, look at it this way," St. Peter explained. "We have lots of Popes here in Heaven, but only one lawyer."
================================================================================================

A successful man explained how one of his sons had become a doctor, while another was practicing law.
"You must be so proud," said one of his friends. "Right now," replied the man sorrowfully, "it's splitting up the family.
Yesterday, I had an accident and hurt my arm. My son the doctor wants to fix it right away.
My son the lawyer wants it to stay like it is so he can sue."
================================================================================================

A man had just been fined $35.00 for a moving traffic violation. When he paid the fine he was given a receipt by the clerk of the court.
Unhappy about the fine, the man grumbled, "What good is this receipt?"
"You should file it in a handy place," the clerk said, "because when you have five of them, you get a bicycle."

================================================================================================

The interpreters of the laws in Washington can always be depended upon to take a reasonably good law
and interpret the common sense all out of it.

— Mark Twain

================================================================================================

    A lawyer was defending a man accused of biting off another man's ear in a brawl. The lawyer asked a witness for the prosecution whether he'd seen his clients bite off the ear. The witness said "No," but the lawyer wasn't smart enough to rest his case. He went on questioning: "If you didn't see my client bite off this man's ear, then how do you know it was my client who did it?"

        The witness told him: "Because I saw him spit it out."

================================================================================================

Somebody figured it out: We have 35 million laws trying to enforce the Ten Commandments.

================================================================================================

A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's printed on.

— Samuel Goldwyn

================================================================================================
One suspects that Alexander Hamilton, Abraham Lincoln, and William H. Seward, successful lawyers all,
did not worry to the same extent as their present- day counterparts about the number of hours they had billed.

— William H. Rehnquist, U.S. Supreme Court Chief Justice

================================================================================================
When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

— Norm Crosby, comedian
================================================================================================

America is the only country on earth where defendants are let loose while the jury is locked up.

================================================================================================

        A man in a small Vermont town was arrested for stealing a barrel of pickles from the country store. Before his trial, his lawyer asked him, "Did you really steal those pickles? Tell me the truth." "Yes I did," the man admitted. "Okay, don't worry about it," his lawyer told him. "Just give me half of them."

        The man looked surprised, but did as he was told. It wasn't until his case came into court that he understood why. Said his lawyer to the jury, "This man before you didn't get any more of those pickles than I did." The jury offered a verdict of "not guilty."

================================================================================================
        Is it possible to outsmart a lawyer? A prospective client went to his lawyer and told him that he would pay no fee paid unless the counselor was sure there were grounds for a case. The lawyer agreed and the prospective gave him a full account of the problem.
        "What a case!" said the lawyer. "The other side has no case. You'll win a fortune. Now for my fee . . . ."
"Sorry, no fee," said the prospective client. "That was the other guy's side."

================================================================================================
A lawyer is someone who's willing to go to court and spend your last penny to prove he's right.
================================================================================================
A lawyer tore into court and demanded a new trial for the client who had been found guilty the day before.
"I've uncovered new information!" bellowed the lawyer.
"Of what nature?" asked the judge.
"Very important," said the lawyer. "I just found out my client has an extra $5,000!"

================================================================================================
Taney and Marshall were hired to defend a man accused of murder. The two lawyers spent days preparing the case.
But just when they were going to trial Taney was called out of town and Marshall had to face the jury alone.
For once in his life, Marshall was brilliant. And when the verdict was returned, the client was found innocent.
Marshall immediately sent a wire to Taney which read: "Justice has triumphed."
Taney sent a return wire. It read: "Tough luck. File an appeal."
================================================================================================
 

Mark Twain said that the efficiency of our criminal jury system is only marred by the difficulty of finding twelve men who don't know anything and can't read.

================================================================================================

After you've heard two eyewitness accounts of an accident you start to worry about history.

================================================================================================
Truth is stranger than fiction — in lawsuits.

================================================================================================

Everybody says this country has too many laws. Just the same, everybody knows of at least one more law that should be passed.

================================================================================================
A man was accused of stealing a tool kit from someone else's garage. "But I just took it as a joke," he protested before the judge.
"How far did you carry the tool kit?" the judge wanted to know.
"Just three blocks," replied the defendant.
"Thirty days, then," proclaimed the judge, "for carrying the joke too far."
================================================================================================

"It ain't no sin if you crack a few laws now and then, just so long as you don't break any." — Mae West

================================================================================================
Lawyer — The only person in whom ignorance of the law goes unpunished.

================================================================================================

Lawsuit — Something no one wants to have and no one wants to lose.

================================================================================================

Jury — Twelve people who vote on who has the better lawyer.

================================================================================================

What happens when you cross a Critical Legal Studies Deconstructionist with a Mafioso?
He makes you an offer that you can't understand.
================================================================================================
A lawyer, an architect, and a doctor were golfing. They began to discuss whose profession came first.
The doctor said that his did; God created woman from Adam's rib. That was surgery, so medicine came first. The architect disagreed. He said that God first created the world out of chaos, and that the building and design of the world was architecture. The lawyer just laughed and asked, "Whom do you think created the chaos?"

================================================================================================
Pro is opposite of Con. That's why Congress is the opposite of Progress. And why is that? Well, it all goes back to law school grades. It is said that after law school, the A students become law professors; the B students become judges; the C students become lawyers and make all the money; and the D students become the legislators, who make the laws to keep the A, B, and C students busy.

================================================================================================
A relatively young lawyer died and was waiting at the gate to check in with St. Peter. When St. Peter checked his register, he mentioned to the lawyer that he had lived a very long life and he should be happy with this 94 years on earth.

The young lawyer vehemently objected, claiming he was only 42 year old and that there must be some mistake. St. Peter checked his book again and told the lawyer that he was certain his records were correct and that he was 94 years old. When the lawyer again protested, St. Peter reminded the young man that, for lawyers, he registers all time in his book based on the lawyer's billable hours.

==================================================================================================
A heart transplant patient was offered the choice of two heart: one belonged to an Olympic runner who had just died in a car crash. The other belonged to an 80 year old lawyer who died of old age. The patient said that she wanted the lawyer's, not the Olympic runner's.
"A wise choice," said the doctor. "You picked the heart that has never been used."

=================================================================================================

A tourist wanders into a back alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.

"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it."

"You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat."

The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt.

No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it.  Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.

Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.

"Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner.

"No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze lawyer."

=================================================================================================

What do you call a lawyer with an I. Q. of 50?
Your Honor.

=================================================================================================
What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!

=================================================================================================
What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start!

=================================================================================================
How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.
=================================================================================================
A definition of "the Law":

"When the circus of politics is finished, the grounds keeper sweeps the litter into a pile and calls it, 'the law.'"

—Daniel B. Klein, Professor of Economics, quoted in Forbes Magazine, April 22, 1996, at p. 28, col. 2.

=================================================================================================
What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the dog.

=================================================================================================
What do you do if you run over a Lawyer?
Back over him to make sure. Make another notch on the steering wheel.

=================================================================================================
Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy.

=================================================================================================
What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
Not enough sand.

=================================================================================================
How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
Cut the rope.

=================================================================================================
Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
A1: Take your foot off his head.
A2: No.
Good!

================================================================================================
How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
Shoot him before he hits the water.

================================================================================================
What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.
================================================================================================

What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
There was an empty seat.

================================================================================================
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
An offer you can't understand

================================================================================================
What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
One's a bottom crawling scum sucker and the other's just a fis
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Moishebatchy on August 22, 2013, 09:36:48 AM
Whoa. :o
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: dirah on August 22, 2013, 10:03:38 AM
@jj1000
Thanks for the copy-and-paste.
Only 97% of the internet left for you to do.
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Lotofsimcha on August 22, 2013, 10:11:29 AM
OMG out of control !
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: henche on August 22, 2013, 11:11:15 AM
Whoa. :o

+1

Also, the best part (of the first few) was where the lawyer asks why he has a lock on his locker if he trusts his fellow officers so much. Good tayna.
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SamKey on August 22, 2013, 12:56:15 PM
It's the same 22 jokes over and over again
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: jj1000 on August 22, 2013, 12:56:45 PM
It's the same 22 jokes over and over again
You actually read them all? I didn't :P
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Dave321 on August 22, 2013, 02:15:45 PM
You actually read them all? I didn't :P

I'm reading through them throughout the day.....
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: mmermss on August 22, 2013, 02:31:32 PM
For CV

Why did the post office recall the new lawyer stamps?

Because people could not tell which side to spit on.

And if anyone is bored here are some other shamelessly copied from here (http://mason.gmu.edu/~rrotunda/lawyer.htm).

"I present these lawyer jokes with a caveat: Lawyers often think that the jokes are not funny, and nonlawyers fail to understand that they are not jokes.
 
 
The problem is that 99% of lawyers give the rest of us a bad name.
 
A man nervously dialed the office of his attorney.  "I'd like to speak to my lawyer," he told the secretary who answered the phone.
"I'm sorry, sir," the secretary told him, "but he has passed away.  He's dead."  The man hung up with a mumbled "Thank-you."
 
A week later, though, he called back.  "Could I talk to my lawyer?" he asked.  "Haven't we spoken before, sir?"  the secretary inquired.  "I could have sworn I talked to you last week. He's dead."  "OK," said the caller.  "Sorry to bother you."
 
Only seven days afterward, though, the secretary heard a by-now-familiar voice at the other end of the line. "Is there any chance
you could connect me with my lawyer?" the man wanted to know.
 
By now, the secretary was exasperated.  "I know we've spoken before, sir. I've told you: he's dead!  Why do you keep calling back?
Don't you get it? He's dead!"
 
The man paused before he answered.  "I know, I know . . . . I just enjoy hearing it so much!"
 
Bumper sticker:            "Support Mental Health or I’ll Kill You"
 
 
A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial:

Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?

A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.

Q. Officer, who provided this description?

A. The officer who responded to the scene.

Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?

A. Yes sir, with my life.

Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer —  do you have a locker room in the police station —  a room where you change your clothes in preparation for you daily duties?

A. Yes sir, we do.

Q. And do you have a locker in that room?

A. Yes sir, I do.

Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?

A. Yes sir.

Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?

A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.

A man and a woman were conversing at a party. The woman said: "Lawyers are jerks." The man responded: "I take offense to that remark." "Why," said the woman. "Are you a lawyer?" "No," he responded: "I'm a jerk."

Moe: It was so cold last night, I just couldn't believe it.

Joe: Well, how cold was it?

Moe: It was so cold, that I saw a lawyer with both hands in his own pockets.

Q.  What do lawyers use for birth control?

A. Their personalities.


    In Portuguese, a lawyer is called advogado; in French a lawyer is called avocat; and in Italian, a lawyer is called avvocato.  All three language appear to compare lawyers to avocados, because both the fruit and lawyers have hearts of stone.


    "Under democracy, one party always devotes its chief energies to trying to prove that the other party is unfit to rule —  and both commonly succeed, and are right."
                                                                   H.L. Mencken

    One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail when he tripped over a large snake and then he fell, KerPlop! — right on his twitchy little nose. "Oh, please excuse me," said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and cannot see."

    "That's perfectly all right," said the snake. "Actually, I think it was really my fault. I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?"

    "Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out."

    So the snake felt the bunny all over, and then said: "Well, you're soft and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail, and a dear twitchy little nose. You must be a BUNNY RABBIT!"

    And the little bunny was so pleased that he danced with joy. He told the snake, "I can't thank you enough. By the way, what kind of animal are you?"

    The snake replied that he really didn't know, because he also was blind. So, the bunny said, "Let me return the favor and examine you." When the bunny had finished, the snake said, "Well, what kind of animal am I?"

    The bunny replied: "You're hard; you're cold; you're slimy, and you haven't got any balls. You must be a . . . . lawyer." And the snake was very sad.


    The plaintiff sued the Acme Moving Company for injuries suffered when the Acme Moving Van hit the plaintiff's truck,
which was carrying his prize mule, Bessie.  Acme’s lawyer, in the course of cross-examining the plaintiff, asked:

          "When the state trooper came to the scene of the accident and asked how you were, you said, ‘I feel fine,’ didn't you?"

     The plaintiff responded, "Well, yes."

     The lawyer could not leave well enough alone, so he then asked: "Now you claim that you were severely injured,
so why did you say that you felt fine immediately after the accident?"

           "Well as I was saying, I had just  loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into my truck and was driving her down
the highway when this huge semi truck and trailer ran the stop sign and  smacked my truck right in the side. I was
thrown into one ditch and Bessie  was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move.
However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning
so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot  her between the eyes. Then the
Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me.  He said, ‘Your mule was in
such bad shape I  had to shoot her.  How are you feeling?’"


        A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would  see walking on the side of the road.  Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the street, he would swerve to hit him.  After hearing a loud  "THUD," he would swerve back on the road.

       One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking.  He stopped and asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"  "I'm going to the church 5 miles down this road," replied the priest.  "No problem, Father. I'll give you a lift.  Climb in the truck."

        The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver  continued driving.  Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him.  But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved and missed the lawyer.  However, he still heard a loud "THUD."  Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and, when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry, Father.  I guess that I must have hit that lawyer."

         "You missed him," replied the priest. "But that's OK. I got him with the door."
 


Q:   Where does a vampire learn how to suck blood?

A:    During his first year of Law School.


    A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer.

    "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined."

    "It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer.

    "Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?"

    "Oh no!  This judge is a stickler or ethical behavior.  A stunt like that would prejudice him against you.  He might even hold you in contempt of court.  In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge."

    Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant.   As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars.  It worked!"

    "I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them."

    "But I did send them."

    "What??  You did???"

    "Yes.  That's how we won the case."

    "I don't understand," said the lawyer.

    "It's easy.  I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card."
_____________________________________


What do you call a lawyer with an I. Q. of 50?

     Your honor.

What do you call a lawyer whose gone bad?

     Senator.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?

     You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!

What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?

     A good start!


 

How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?

     Depends on how thin you slice them.

Why won't sharks attack lawyers?

     Professional courtesy.

What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?

     Not enough sand.

How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?

     Cut the rope.

How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?

     Shoot him before he hits the water.

What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?

     When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.

Now, what is the definition of a "crying shame"?

     There was an empty seat.

How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus?

     Never enough.

Have you heard about the lawyers word processor?

     No matter what font you select, everything come out in fine print.

What do you buy a friend graduating from Law School?

     A lobotomy.

What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?

     One's a bottom crawling scum sucker and the other's just a fish.

Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?

     He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.

What does a lawyer and a sperm have in common?

     Both have about a one in 3 million chance of becoming a human being.

Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?

     From chasing parked ambulances.

Where can you find a good lawyer?

     In the cemetery


    The SEC finally indicted a famous stock swindler, who had gotten rich though the use of insider trading.  The swindler hired a lawyer and said, "Do whatever you can; I just don’t want to be sentenced to prison.  I’ve gotten quite wealthy over the years, and I want to enjoy that wealth.  I can’t enjoy it while I’m in prison."  The lawyer responded,   "Take heart.  I can assure you that you will never have to go to prison with all that money."  And the lawyer was right.  the swindler was convicted and sent to prison to serve a long jail term, but the swindler never went to prison with all that money.  The swindler went to prison flat broke.  The lawyer, on the other hand, made out quite well.

What's the difference between a herd of lawyers and a herd of buffalo?

     The lawyers charge more.


    It is a little known historical fact that, at the Charge of the Light Brigade, the front line was composed of soldiers who were all lawyers.  The generals thought — correctly — that when the time came to charge, the lawyers would perform the bese because they really know how to charge.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?

     A vampire only sucks blood at night.

How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?

     You need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.

Why did the post office recall the new lawyer stamps?

     Because people could not tell which side to spit on.

Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?

     It's called, Sosumi.

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a  hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?

     The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.

What is the ideal weight of a lawyer?

     About three pounds, including the urn.


       Two men were lost on a hot air balloon journey.  The only way to determine their location was to maneuver the balloon close enough to the ground so that they could yell down, and ask someone.  They came across a man walking his dog.  "Where are we," they shouted?  The man looked up . . . and yelled back, "In a Hot Air Balloon."  One balloonist then turned to the other and shrugged.  "Isn't that our luck, to only come across a lawyer."  "How do you know he was a lawyer?"  "Because the information, as usual, was accurate, but useless."  "Well," said the other, at least he didn't charge us."


        A truck driver was driving down the highway when he saw a priest standing by the side of the road.   He stopped to pick up the priest and gave him a ride.   A little later, the road the truck driver saw, on the side of the road, a fellow whom he recognized as a local lawyer.  He turned the truck on a direct collision course with the lawyer and his briefcase.  Then the truck driver had second thoughts.  "Oh, no," he thought.  "I have a priest in the truck.  As much as I hate lawyers, I can't simply run down this lawyer, with a priest sitting in the truck right next to me."  So, at the last second, the truck driver swerved and missed the lawyer.  Nonetheless, the truck driver heard a thump outside of his truck.  He looked in his rear-view mirror but still didn't see anything.  He then turned to the priest and said "Sorry Father, I just missed that lawyer at the side of the road."  And the priest said "Don't worry son; I got him with my door"


    After lawyers die, they still are lawyers.  We know that because they lie still.

A lawyer questioning a doctor during a trial:

Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"

A: "No."

Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"

A: "No."

Q: "Did you check for breathing?"

A: "No."

Q: "So, then, it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"

A: "No."

Q: "How can you be so sure, doctor?"

A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."

Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"

A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."


    Two young ladies were comparing notes in the doctor’s office.  Both were pregnant, and the first said to the second, "I just know that I will have a baby boy."  The other said, "I don’t know yet if it’s a boy or girl, but the doctor told me that the baby would become a lawyer."  How do you know that?," said the first woman.  "Because I have constant cravings for baloney."

Car Crashes — from the Perspective of the Drivers:

Actual statements (found on the insurance forms of a British auto insurance company) of car drivers explaining and summarizing the details of their accident in the fewest possible words. The trial lawyers must have had fun with these.

1. Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.

2. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.

3. I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.

4. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

5. A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.

6. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

7. The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

8. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.

9. I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As soon as I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.

10. I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

11. I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

12. As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid this accident.

13. To avoid hitting the bumper of my car in front I struck the pedestrian.

14. My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

15. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

16. I told the police I was not injured, but on removing my hat I found that I had a fractured skull.

17. The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.

18. I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.

19. I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.

20. The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

21. I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.

===============================================================

What is the difference between a brilliant lawyer and a stupid lawyer?

Brilliance has its limits.

=================================================================================================

In 1770, King George asked for a census of all the people in the colonies. This is the actual report, verbatim, that Grafton County, New Hampshire sent to the King:

"Your Royal Majesty, Grafton County, New Hampshire, consists of 1,012 square miles. It contains 6,489 souls, most of whom are engaged in agriculture, but included in that number are 69 wheelwrights, 8 doctors, 29 blacksmiths, 87 preachers, 20 slaves and 90 students at the new college. There is not one lawyer, for which fact we take no personal credit, but thank and Almighty and Merciful God."
================================================================================================

How do lawyers get involved in philanthropy?

They sue a charity.

================================================================================================

The Art of Direct and Cross Examination Examination

Questions Actually Asked by Trial Lawyers ——

 

1. Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?

2.

Q: What happened then?

A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."

Q: Did he kill you?

3. Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

4. The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

5. Were you alone or by yourself?

6. How long have you been a French Canadian?

7. Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

8.    Q: I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture.

    A: That's me. Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?

9. Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?

10.    Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?

    A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

11.    Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?

    A: I'll be three months on November 8.

    Q: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?

    A: Yes.

    Q: What were you doing at that time?

12.    Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?

    A: I used to be.

    Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

13. So you were gone until you returned?

14.    Q: She had three children, right?

    A: Yes.

    Q: How many were boys?

    A: None.

    Q: Were there girls?

15. You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?

16.    Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?

    A: Yes.

    Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

17. A attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."

18.    Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Williamson at the rose Chapel?

    A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m.

    Q: And Mr. Williamson was dead at the time, is that correct?

    A: No, you stupid, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!

19.    Q: What is your brother-in-law's name?

    A: Vorokin.

    Q: What's his first name?

    A: I can't remember.

    Q: He's been your brother-in-law for years and you can't remember his name?

    A: No. I tell you I'm too excited (rising from witness chair). Nathan, for God's sake tell him your name!

20.    Q: Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?

    A: I refuse to answer that question.

    Q: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?

    A: I refuse to answer that question.

    Q: Did you ever stay all night with that man in Miami?

    A: No.

21.    Q: Now Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?

    A: By death.

    Q: And by who's death was it terminated?

22.     Q: Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?

    A: No. I said he was shot in the lumbar region.

23.    Q: What is your name?

    A: Mary Ann Jones.

    Q: And what is your marital status?

    A: Fair.

24.    Q: Are you married?

    A: No, I'm divorced.

    Q: And what did your husband do before you divorced him?

    A: A lot of things I didn't know about.

25.    Q: And who is this person you are speaking of?

    A: My ex-widow said it.

26.    Q: How did you happen to go to Dr. Smith?

    A: Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by him, and she said he was really good.

27.    Q: Do you believe you are emotionally unstable?

    A: I should be.

    Q: And how many times have you committed suicide?

    A: Four times.

28.    Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

    A: All my autopsies have been on dead people.

29.    Q: Were you acquainted with the deceased?

    A: Yes.

    Q: Before or after he died?

30.    Q: Officer, what led you to believe this man was under the influence?

    A: Because he was argumentinary and couldn't pronunciate his words.

31.    Q: What happened then?

    A: He told me he had to kill me because I could identify him.

    Q: Did he kill you?

32.

Q: Mrs. Jones, is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice I sent to your attorney?

A: No. This is how I dress when I go to work.

33.

The Court: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.

34.

Q: Did he pick the dog up by his ears?

A: No.

Q: What was he doing with the dog's ears?

A: Picking them up in the air?

Q: Where was the dog at this time?

A: Attached to the ears.

35.

Q: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and was able, for the time being excluding all restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?

Attorney: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.

36.

Q: Gary, all your answer must be oral, okay? Now, what school did you go to?

A: Oral.

37.

Q: What is your relationship with the plaintiff?

A: She is my daughter.

Q: And was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?

38.

Q: Now you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?

39.

Q: And what did he do then?

A: He came home, and the next morning he was dead.

Q: So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?

40.

Q: Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?

A: He didn't offer me nothing but the furniture.

41.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

A: Yes, I have been since early childhood.

42.

Q: Were you shot in the fracas?

A: No. I was shot halfway between the fracas and the naval.

43.

Q: What is the meaning of sperm being present?

A: It indicates intercourse.

Q: Male sperm?

A: That the only kind I know.

44.

Q: (showing a picture) That's you?

A: Yes.

Q: Were you present when the picture was taken?

45.

Q: When you came out of the anesthesia, what did you observe?

A: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.

46.

Q: Could you see him from where you were standing?

A: I could see his head.

Q: And where was his head?

A: Just above his shoulders.

47.

Q: What can you tell us about the truthfulness and veracity of the defendant?

A: Oh, she will always tell the truth. She said she was going to kill that sonofabitch, and she did!

48.

Q: Do you drink when you are on duty?

A: Not unless I come on duty drunk.

49.

Q: Do you have any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial, instead of an attempted murder trial?

A: The victim lived.

50.

Q: Are you sexually active?

A: No, I just lie there.

================================================================================================

Three lawyers and three MBAs were traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three lawyers each bought tickets and watched as the three MBAs bought only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked a lawyer.

"Watch and you'll see," answered an MBA.

They all boarded the train. The lawyers took their respective seats but all three MBAs crammed into a rest room and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restore door and said, Ticket, please."

The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The conductor took it and moved on.

The lawyers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the lawyers decided to copy the MBAs on the return trip and save some money (recognizing the MBAs superior intellect and lower ethical standards). When they got to the station, the lawyers bought a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the MBAs didn't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" said one of the perplexed lawyers.

"Watch and you'll see," answered the first MBA.

When they boarded the train the three lawyers crammed into a restore and the three MBAs crammed into another one nearby. Shortly after the train departed, one of the MBAs left his restore and walked over to the restore where the lawyers were hiding. He knocked on the door and said: "Ticket, please."

================================================================================================

When judges assume the bench, the first thing they do is tell three lies.

First: "I am overworked."

Second: "I am underpaid."

And third: "I was a great trial lawyer."

================================================================================================

A man walked into a bar, with a 25 foot alligator on a leash.

"Do you serve lawyers?," he said. "Of course," the bartender responded."

"Great," said the man. "I'll have a Bud Light, and my friend here will have a lawyer."

================================================================================================

God gives judges two things to help them in their work.

First, a robe, so they can look distinguished.

And, second, hemorrhoids, so they can look concerned.

================================================================================================

A rabbi, a Hindu, and a lawyer were in a car. They ran out of gas, and were forced to stop at a farmers house. The farmer said that there are only 2 extra beds, and one person will have to sleep in the barn.

The Hindu volunteered: "I'm humble, I'll sleep in the barn," so he went out to the barn. In a few minutes, the farmer heard a knock on the door. It was the Hindu, who said, "There is a cow in the barn. It's against my beliefs to sleep with a cow."

So the rabbi said, "I'm humble, I'll sleep in the barn." A few minutes later, the farmer heard another knock on the door and it was the rabbi. He said that it is against his beliefs to sleep where there is a pig, and there is a pig in the barn.

So the lawyer was forced to sleep in the barn. A few minutes later, there was another knock on the door. It was the pig and the cow.

================================================================================================

Sign in a Lawyer's Office:

We do three kinds of jobs: cheap, quick, and good. You can have any three.

A good job quick, won't be cheap.

A good job cheap, won't be quick.

A cheap job quick, won't be good.

================================================================================================

You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake, and a lawyer. You have a gun, but it only has two bullets. What should you do?

Shoot the lawyer.  Twice.

================================================================================================

What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?

The tick falls off when you die.

================================================================================================

What do you have when you see 100 lawyers buried up to their neck in sand?

Not enough sand.

================================================================================================

Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?

If one side has one, the other side has to get one too.

Once launched, they cannot be recalled.

When they land, they screw up everything, forever.

================================================================================================

Why did the Post Office just recall their latest stamps?

They had pictures of lawyers on them, and people could not figure out which side to spit on.

================================================================================================

What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?

Skeet.

================================================================================================

If you see a lawyer on your bicycle, why should you never swerve in an effort to hit the bicycle?

Because, it might be your bicycle.

================================================================================================

Santa Clause, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer, and an old drunk were walking down the street together when they simultaneously spotted a hundred dollar bill. Who was the one person who got to keep the hundred dollar bill?

The old drunk, of course. The other three are mythical creatures.

================================================================================================

A potential client walked into the lawyer's office and inquired about her rates.

$50.00 for the first three questions," the lawyer replied.

The potential client asked, "Isn't that awfully steep?"

"Yes," said the lawyer. "And what was your third question?"

================================================================================================

A bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. A big reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising bounty hunter made a special effort to track him down. After a lengthy search, the bounty hunter found the bandit at his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, drew his trusty six-shooter, pointed it to the back of the bandit's head, and said: "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid all of your loot, or I'll blow your brains out." Unfortunately, the bandit did not speak English, and the bounty hunter spoke no Spanish. But, as luck would have it, a bilingual lawyer was in the cantina, and translated the bounty hunter's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried in the rear of the cantina, under the old oak tree. The bounty hunter asked the lawyer, "What did the bandit say?" The lawyer answered: "He said, 'Get lost Gringo. You don't have the guts to shoot me."

================================================================================================

It got so cold in northern Maine one winter that the local lawyers had to keep their hands in their own pockets.

================================================================================================

What is the difference between a lawyer and a tick?

One of them lets go upon death.

================================================================================================

An engineer died and reported to the pearly gates. St. Peter checked his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer — you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reported to the gates of hell and entered. Pretty soon, the engineer became dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and began designing and building improvements. After a while, hell had air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators. The engineer became a very popular fellow. Later, God called Satan on the telephone and said with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replied, "Hey [or perhaps he said, "Hell"], things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replied in surprise: "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan retorted, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God said, "Yes, way. Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughed uproariously and answered, "Yeah, right. And just where are You going to get a lawyer?"

================================================================================================

Bumper Stickers:

IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

When you do a good deed, get a receipt — in case heaven is like the IRS.

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

The problem with experience being such a good teacher is the test comes before the course: Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

He who hesitates is probably right.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

A clear conscience may be the sign of a bad memory.

Change is inevitable — except from vending machines.

Lawyers are modest. And are proud of it!

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of loan payments.

Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.

Borrow money from pessimists — they don't expect it back.

The problem is, 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. And, 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

================================================================================================

"Contrary to what some people claim, the tax laws have a lot of respect for logic. They use it so sparingly."

— Jeffrey Yablon, Washington, D.C. Tax Lawyer

================================================================================================

How many lawyers' jokes are there?

Only three; the rest are all true.

================================================================================================

Four surgeons were sitting in a hospital break room talking. The first one commented that he liked to operate on librarians,
"Cut them open and everything inside is in alphabetical order, what could be easier than that" he said. The second surgeon said that he preferred accountants, because everything inside was numbered. The third doctor preferred engineers, because they were all color coded. The fourth surgeons disagreed with his companions, he was insistent that lawyers were the easiest to operate on.
"Think about it" he said "they are heartless, gutless, brainless, and spineless, and their heads and their rear ends are interchangeable."

================================================================================================

"If law school is so hard, how come there are so many lawyers?"

— Calvin Trilling

================================================================================================

Why do we like lawyers buried 24 feet underground?

Because deep down they are such good fellows.
================================================================================================
It had been a long day in traffic court, and the judge was listening to the final case on the docket.
The police officer stated that he had observed the defendant traveling significantly above the posted speed limit. In response,
the defendant went on and on about the road conditions, the amount of traffic and his innocence.
Then, certain he had won his case, he melodramatically proclaimed, "Why, your Honor, I'll even take a lie detector test."
"Son," the judge wearily replied, "I am the lie detector." —
================================================================================================
It was an outstanding case in a small western mining town. Joe was brought in on an assault charge. The state presented the weapons he used: a huge telegraph pole, a dagger, a pair of shears, a saw, a gun and a Civil War saber.
Counsel for the defense produced the weapons used by the alleged victim to defend himself: a scythe, a hoe, an ax, a shovel and a pair of tongs. After deliberating, the 12 men of the jury filed in slowly and the foreman read the verdict?
"We the jury would give $5 to have seen the fight."

================================================================================================

Two men had been fighting in the back of the local poolroom. Someone called the police, who arrested the men and took them before the judge. "You two fellows should be ashamed of yourselves," the judge said. "You're grown men, not school kids.
You should be able to settle your dispute without being brought to court." "That's what we were trying to do," one of the men said, "when somebody called the police and they came and interfered."

================================================================================================

The lawyer was examining the witness. "Isn't it true," he shouted, "that you were given $200 to throw this case?"
The witness didn't answer. Instead, he just stared out the window as though he had not even heard the question.
The lawyer repeated the question with the same reaction — again, no response.
Finally, the judge said to the witness, "Please answer the question." "Oh," said the witness with much surprise in his voice,
"I thought he was talking to you."

================================================================================================
"Got my first job," announced the young college grad. "I'm helping out a lawyer."
"Great. What does he pay you?"
"A thousand a week."
"Isn't that an awful lot for a beginner?"
"Not exactly. I only get a hundred in cash and the rest in legal advice."

================================================================================================ The Pope died and went to Heaven, and was given a nice little house with a pleasant garden. However,
next to him was an enormous mansion with magnificent grounds. The Pope, curious, went to St. Peter.
"I don't understand, St. Peter," he said. "I was the Pope. Here in Heaven, I have a modest home while my neighbor has a beautiful mansion. Who lives there?"
"A lawyer," St. Peter explained.
"A lawyer? I don't understand," the puzzled pontiff said.
"Well, look at it this way," St. Peter explained. "We have lots of Popes here in Heaven, but only one lawyer."
================================================================================================

A successful man explained how one of his sons had become a doctor, while another was practicing law.
"You must be so proud," said one of his friends. "Right now," replied the man sorrowfully, "it's splitting up the family.
Yesterday, I had an accident and hurt my arm. My son the doctor wants to fix it right away.
My son the lawyer wants it to stay like it is so he can sue."
================================================================================================

A man had just been fined $35.00 for a moving traffic violation. When he paid the fine he was given a receipt by the clerk of the court.
Unhappy about the fine, the man grumbled, "What good is this receipt?"
"You should file it in a handy place," the clerk said, "because when you have five of them, you get a bicycle."

================================================================================================

The interpreters of the laws in Washington can always be depended upon to take a reasonably good law
and interpret the common sense all out of it.

— Mark Twain

================================================================================================

    A lawyer was defending a man accused of biting off another man's ear in a brawl. The lawyer asked a witness for the prosecution whether he'd seen his clients bite off the ear. The witness said "No," but the lawyer wasn't smart enough to rest his case. He went on questioning: "If you didn't see my client bite off this man's ear, then how do you know it was my client who did it?"

        The witness told him: "Because I saw him spit it out."

================================================================================================

Somebody figured it out: We have 35 million laws trying to enforce the Ten Commandments.

================================================================================================

A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's printed on.

— Samuel Goldwyn

================================================================================================
One suspects that Alexander Hamilton, Abraham Lincoln, and William H. Seward, successful lawyers all,
did not worry to the same extent as their present- day counterparts about the number of hours they had billed.

— William H. Rehnquist, U.S. Supreme Court Chief Justice

================================================================================================
When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

— Norm Crosby, comedian
================================================================================================

America is the only country on earth where defendants are let loose while the jury is locked up.

================================================================================================

        A man in a small Vermont town was arrested for stealing a barrel of pickles from the country store. Before his trial, his lawyer asked him, "Did you really steal those pickles? Tell me the truth." "Yes I did," the man admitted. "Okay, don't worry about it," his lawyer told him. "Just give me half of them."

        The man looked surprised, but did as he was told. It wasn't until his case came into court that he understood why. Said his lawyer to the jury, "This man before you didn't get any more of those pickles than I did." The jury offered a verdict of "not guilty."

================================================================================================
        Is it possible to outsmart a lawyer? A prospective client went to his lawyer and told him that he would pay no fee paid unless the counselor was sure there were grounds for a case. The lawyer agreed and the prospective gave him a full account of the problem.
        "What a case!" said the lawyer. "The other side has no case. You'll win a fortune. Now for my fee . . . ."
"Sorry, no fee," said the prospective client. "That was the other guy's side."

================================================================================================
A lawyer is someone who's willing to go to court and spend your last penny to prove he's right.
================================================================================================
A lawyer tore into court and demanded a new trial for the client who had been found guilty the day before.
"I've uncovered new information!" bellowed the lawyer.
"Of what nature?" asked the judge.
"Very important," said the lawyer. "I just found out my client has an extra $5,000!"

================================================================================================
Taney and Marshall were hired to defend a man accused of murder. The two lawyers spent days preparing the case.
But just when they were going to trial Taney was called out of town and Marshall had to face the jury alone.
For once in his life, Marshall was brilliant. And when the verdict was returned, the client was found innocent.
Marshall immediately sent a wire to Taney which read: "Justice has triumphed."
Taney sent a return wire. It read: "Tough luck. File an appeal."
================================================================================================
 

Mark Twain said that the efficiency of our criminal jury system is only marred by the difficulty of finding twelve men who don't know anything and can't read.

================================================================================================

After you've heard two eyewitness accounts of an accident you start to worry about history.

================================================================================================
Truth is stranger than fiction — in lawsuits.

================================================================================================

Everybody says this country has too many laws. Just the same, everybody knows of at least one more law that should be passed.

================================================================================================
A man was accused of stealing a tool kit from someone else's garage. "But I just took it as a joke," he protested before the judge.
"How far did you carry the tool kit?" the judge wanted to know.
"Just three blocks," replied the defendant.
"Thirty days, then," proclaimed the judge, "for carrying the joke too far."
================================================================================================

"It ain't no sin if you crack a few laws now and then, just so long as you don't break any." — Mae West

================================================================================================
Lawyer — The only person in whom ignorance of the law goes unpunished.

================================================================================================

Lawsuit — Something no one wants to have and no one wants to lose.

================================================================================================

Jury — Twelve people who vote on who has the better lawyer.

================================================================================================

What happens when you cross a Critical Legal Studies Deconstructionist with a Mafioso?
He makes you an offer that you can't understand.
================================================================================================
A lawyer, an architect, and a doctor were golfing. They began to discuss whose profession came first.
The doctor said that his did; God created woman from Adam's rib. That was surgery, so medicine came first. The architect disagreed. He said that God first created the world out of chaos, and that the building and design of the world was architecture. The lawyer just laughed and asked, "Whom do you think created the chaos?"

================================================================================================
Pro is opposite of Con. That's why Congress is the opposite of Progress. And why is that? Well, it all goes back to law school grades. It is said that after law school, the A students become law professors; the B students become judges; the C students become lawyers and make all the money; and the D students become the legislators, who make the laws to keep the A, B, and C students busy.

================================================================================================
A relatively young lawyer died and was waiting at the gate to check in with St. Peter. When St. Peter checked his register, he mentioned to the lawyer that he had lived a very long life and he should be happy with this 94 years on earth.

The young lawyer vehemently objected, claiming he was only 42 year old and that there must be some mistake. St. Peter checked his book again and told the lawyer that he was certain his records were correct and that he was 94 years old. When the lawyer again protested, St. Peter reminded the young man that, for lawyers, he registers all time in his book based on the lawyer's billable hours.

==================================================================================================
A heart transplant patient was offered the choice of two heart: one belonged to an Olympic runner who had just died in a car crash. The other belonged to an 80 year old lawyer who died of old age. The patient said that she wanted the lawyer's, not the Olympic runner's.
"A wise choice," said the doctor. "You picked the heart that has never been used."

=================================================================================================

A tourist wanders into a back alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.

"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it."

"You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat."

The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt.

No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it.  Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.

Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.

"Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner.

"No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze lawyer."

=================================================================================================

What do you call a lawyer with an I. Q. of 50?
Your Honor.

=================================================================================================
What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!

=================================================================================================
What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start!

=================================================================================================
How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.
=================================================================================================
A definition of "the Law":

"When the circus of politics is finished, the grounds keeper sweeps the litter into a pile and calls it, 'the law.'"

—Daniel B. Klein, Professor of Economics, quoted in Forbes Magazine, April 22, 1996, at p. 28, col. 2.

=================================================================================================
What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the dog.

=================================================================================================
What do you do if you run over a Lawyer?
Back over him to make sure. Make another notch on the steering wheel.

=================================================================================================
Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy.

=================================================================================================
What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
Not enough sand.

=================================================================================================
How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
Cut the rope.

=================================================================================================
Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
A1: Take your foot off his head.
A2: No.
Good!

================================================================================================
How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
Shoot him before he hits the water.

================================================================================================
What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.
================================================================================================

What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
There was an empty seat.

================================================================================================
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
An offer you can't understand

Some were pretty funny  :D
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Achas Veachas on August 22, 2013, 02:34:13 PM
Some were pretty funny  :D
Did you really have to quote the whole thing? :P
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: intgesh on August 22, 2013, 02:36:50 PM
Is a hippopotamus just a really cool opotamus?

-Mitch Hedberg
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Red on August 22, 2013, 02:53:46 PM
Some were pretty funny  :D
:-X
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: mmermss on August 22, 2013, 03:56:52 PM
Did you really have to quote the whole thing? :P
Oooooops  :P

:-X
???
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Red on August 22, 2013, 04:31:07 PM
???
My  :-X goes on your quoting that long post, except I wasn't going to quote it again...
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: mmermss on August 22, 2013, 05:15:56 PM
My  :-X goes on your quoting that long post, except I wasn't going to quote it again...
C'mon...go for it.
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: PlatinumGuy on September 10, 2013, 04:49:26 PM
Apple Touch ID. Sponsored by the NSA, CIA and FBI :)
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: yuneeq on September 12, 2013, 01:12:36 PM
A woman got up from shiva and tells her husband "I learned two things: Shacharis doesn't take only 15 minutes and maariv doesn't take an hour and a half!"
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: good sam on September 12, 2013, 01:59:56 PM
A woman got up from shiva and tells her husband "I learned two things: Shacharis doesn't take only 15 minutes and maariv doesn't take an hour and a half!"
ALOL
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: AnonymousUser on September 12, 2013, 02:09:30 PM
ALOL
+1
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: judahk88 on September 12, 2013, 05:19:36 PM
A woman got up from shiva and tells her husband "I learned two things: Shacharis doesn't take only 15 minutes and maariv doesn't take an hour and a half!"
Just saw that one a few days ago. Love it!
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Moshe123 on September 12, 2013, 05:45:33 PM
דער גאנצער וועלט פיהרט זיך אז איינער טיילט און יעדער נעמט לעקיך ערב יום הקדוש. אין גאליציע איז אבער דער מנהג אז יעדער טיילט לעקיך.
אז ס'איז באשערט צו דארפן חלילה געבן איינעם במשך'ן יאהר זאל מען אפקומען מיט דעם.
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Achas Veachas on September 12, 2013, 05:48:21 PM
דער גאנצער וועלט פיהרט זיך אז איינער טיילט און יעדער נעמט לעקיך ערב יום הקדוש. אין גאליציע איז אבער דער מנהג אז יעדער טיילט לעקיך.
אז ס'איז באשערט צו דארפן חלילה געבן איינעם במשך'ן יאהר זאל מען אפקומען מיט דעם.
;D
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: whYME on September 12, 2013, 06:17:03 PM
דער גאנצער וועלט פיהרט זיך אז איינער טיילט און יעדער נעמט לעקיך ערב יום הקדוש. אין גאליציע איז אבער דער מנהג אז יעדער טיילט לעקיך.
אז ס'איז באשערט צו דארפן חלילה געבן איינעם במשך'ן יאהר זאל מען אפקומען מיט דעם.
For those who don't understand yiddish, here's what google translate has to say on the matter:
"The world leaders themselves that one part and each takes corpse preparation day holy. In Galicia, however, is the custom that every part body.
That is destined to require far give one for 'N years should come with it."

:)
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Achas Veachas on September 12, 2013, 06:18:57 PM
For those who don't understand yiddish, here's what google translate has to say on the matter:
"The world leaders themselves that one part and each takes corpse preparation day holy. In Galicia, however, is the custom that every part body.
That is destined to require far give one for 'N years should come with it."

:)
Meh. It's better in the original :P
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Moshe123 on September 12, 2013, 06:22:14 PM
For those who don't understand yiddish, here's what google translate has to say on the matter:
"The world leaders themselves that one part and each takes corpse preparation day holy. In Galicia, however, is the custom that every part body.
That is destined to require far give one for 'N years should come with it."

:)

Lol!
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Achas Veachas on September 12, 2013, 06:28:54 PM
Why is "Lekach" translated corpse/body? :-\
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: DovtheBear on September 12, 2013, 10:10:00 PM
Can you give a real translation, please?
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Achas Veachas on September 12, 2013, 11:00:32 PM
Can you give a real translation, please?
Roughly speaking: The Oilam is noiheg that everyone asks for Lekach Erev YK in case it was decreed on them to beg during the year they should be Yotze with that, however in Galicia (or insert YOUR circles' stingy region here) everyone GIVES Lekah Erev YK in case it was decreed upon them to give in the coming year...
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: DovtheBear on September 12, 2013, 11:02:16 PM
Roughly speaking: The Oilam is noiheg that everyone asks for Lekach Erev YK in case it was decreed on them to beg during the year they should be Yotze with that, however in Galicia (or insert YOUR circles' stingy region here) everyone GIVES Lekah Erev YK in case it was decreed upon them to give in the coming year...
Got it!  ;D
(not that I ever heard of it before)
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: chamdena on September 13, 2013, 01:29:25 AM
Ok. Here is one that some might get and some not:
Someone once called up Mrs. Sternberg (senior) and asked her for the Rebbes bedikah cloth...
Lololol!!!
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Centro on September 13, 2013, 11:13:58 AM
די גאנצע מעשה מיטן לעקעך מיט שמש איז פארדרייט,די גאנצע חכמה איז דאך אויב ברויך מען אנקומען צי נעמען פון יענעם מיינט מען געלט נישט לעקעך,

 עס וואלט געברויכט זיין פארקערט דער שמש זאל טיילן געלט אין דער עולם זאל אים אריינרוקען לעקעך...
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: chaimmayer on September 13, 2013, 12:51:57 PM
A guy goes into the pharmacy on ערב יום כיפור to buy 200 caffeine suppositories.  The pharmacist asked him, "how come you need so many?"
The fellow answers, " I am sponsoring kiddush tomorrow".
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SamKey on September 14, 2013, 06:32:58 PM
די גאנצע מעשה מיטן לעקעך מיט שמש איז פארדרייט,די גאנצע חכמה איז דאך אויב ברויך מען אנקומען צי נעמען פון יענעם מיינט מען געלט נישט לעקעך,

 עס וואלט געברויכט זיין פארקערט דער שמש זאל טיילן געלט אין דער עולם זאל אים אריינרוקען לעקעך...
I wasted a lot more than just 5 seconds  reading that (or atleast trying to)
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on September 14, 2013, 07:33:36 PM
I wasted a lot more than just 5 seconds  reading that (or atleast trying to)

If reading from a pc, press ctrl and +   to zoom in.

By us its the gabbai not shames that distributes.
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SamKey on September 15, 2013, 01:59:02 AM
If reading from a pc, press ctrl and +   to zoom in.

By us its the gabbai not shames that distributes.
that wasn't the problem.... I guess I just have a different dialect off Yiddish
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on September 15, 2013, 03:44:17 AM
that wasn't the problem.... I guess I just have a different dialect off Yiddish

I know that, but what he wrote was pretty much mainstream, not using specific words that are inherent to one type of Yiddish. Besides the double meaning of lekach.
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SamKey on September 15, 2013, 06:43:08 AM
I know that, but what he wrote was pretty much mainstream, not using specific words that are inherent to one type of Yiddish. Besides the double meaning of lekach.
ברויך? And whats the double meaning?
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SuperFlyer on September 15, 2013, 08:42:47 AM
ברויך? And whats the double meaning?

Lekach
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Moishebatchy on September 15, 2013, 08:49:31 AM
Lekach

Touché.
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Achas Veachas on September 18, 2013, 12:33:35 PM
A recent Moroccan immigrant to Israel was walking around quite hungry when he noticed an orange tree in a yard, not thinking much he reached up and picked a few. The owner saw this and didn't want to embarrass him so he pulls out a Chumash and starts learning Vayikra 19:21 (Lo Tignovu) in a loud sing-song tune. The Moroccans' ears perk up and he exclaims: What a holy land this is, you can eat the holy fruits of the land of Israel and hear Divrey Torah while you're at it!"
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: yuneeq on September 18, 2013, 04:51:10 PM
A recent Moroccan immigrant to Israel was walking around quite hungry when he noticed an orange tree in a yard, not thinking much he reached up and picked a few. The owner saw this and didn't want to embarrass him so he pulls out a Chumash and starts learning Vayikra 19:21 (Lo Tignovu) in a loud sing-song tune. The Moroccans' ears perk up and he exclaims: What a holy land this is, you can eat the holy fruits of the land of Israel and hear Divrey Torah while you're at it!"

Just wondering how a Moroccan fits better for this joke.
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: meshugener on September 18, 2013, 04:54:40 PM
Don't take it personally.
Next time you come up with a joke you can put it on ashkeneizim.
It just happen to be that an ashkeneizi invented this joke.
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: yuneeq on September 18, 2013, 05:07:50 PM
Don't take it personally.
Next time you come up with a joke you can put it on ashkeneizim.
It just happen to be that an ashkeneizi invented this joke.

I'm not 1% Moroccan so I'm not offended in the least, nor do I think that Moroccans will be offended. It's just that I don't see how it fits into any of the Moroccan stereotypes that I'm used to.
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Achas Veachas on September 18, 2013, 05:37:27 PM
It's not for the stereotype (you think I'm a racist? :P ) it was just heard it from my grandfather about the time of the Moroccan Aliyah when there were plenty of impoverished Moroccans around (and they still appreciated hearing a Dvar Torah with their meal :) ).
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: PlatinumGuy on September 22, 2013, 01:58:06 PM
Fall was upon a remote reservation when the Indian tribe asked their new  Chief what the coming winter was going to be like.  The modern day Chief had never been taught the secrets of the ancients.  When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Better safe than sorry, he said to himself and told his tribe that the winter was indeed expected to be cold and that the members of the village should stock up on firewood to be prepared.

After several days, our modern Chief got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and  asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going  to be a very cold winter."

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again.   "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: PlatinumGuy on September 22, 2013, 02:03:00 PM
Once upon a time in a village, a man announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for Rs 10. The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at Rs 10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort.

He further announced that he would now buy at Rs 20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer rate increased to Rs 25 and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at Rs 50!

However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.

In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers, "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at Rs 35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell it to him for Rs 50."

The villagers squeezed up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys.

Then they never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: PlatinumGuy on September 22, 2013, 02:04:34 PM
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Enzo, has cheated him out of 10 million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf, that was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Enzo would hear nothing that he might have to testify about in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront Enzo about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks is that he embezzled from me."
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Enzo where the money is.
Enzo signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Enzo's temple and says, "Ask him again!"
The lawyer signs to Enzo, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Enzo signs back, "OK. You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Bruno's backyard in Woodbridge !"
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
The lawyer replies, " He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: ChAiM'l on September 22, 2013, 07:09:33 PM
Very good...
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Centro on September 23, 2013, 07:34:01 PM
A bucher came to daven sachris 2:00 and somebody asked him hayituchen?!, he answerd, tefilla is a drabunen and to sleep in sukkah is a deoiriesy.
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: DovtheBear on September 24, 2013, 03:15:07 PM
A bucher came to daven sachris 2:00 and somebody asked him hayituchen?!, he answerd, tefilla is a drabunen and to sleep in sukkah is a deoiriesy.
And what did the Chabad bocher say? :P
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Achas Veachas on September 24, 2013, 04:27:42 PM
And what did the Chabad bocher say? :P
No one asked him...
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SamKey on September 25, 2013, 03:02:37 AM
And what did the Chabad bocher say? :P
He was in such pain he couldn't get out of bed!  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: DovtheBear on September 25, 2013, 03:58:00 PM
He was in such pain he couldn't get out of bed!  ;D
:D
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Myccrabbi on October 05, 2013, 11:06:35 PM
A person comes to doctor and says: doc wen I eat a tomato it comes tomato wen I eat chicken it comes out chicken steak it comes out steak.....
Doctor answer: eat sh** it will come out sh**
Lesson learned: sometimes in life for stuff to run smooth u have to eat sh**

Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SamKey on October 08, 2013, 03:51:13 PM
Told the Shadchan I want a girl like Sarah Imeinu
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Centro on October 10, 2013, 01:02:45 PM
Thank you for calling the U.S. Government. We are currently closed. If you need immediate assistance, please call Canada or Mexico



New york'ers seem to LOVE traffic. If there's a lot of traffic on the road EVERYONE shows up. But if there's no traffic people don't bother.
 
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Dan on October 11, 2013, 03:12:54 PM
Limit all politicians to two terms.


One in office.
One in prison.
In Chicago, they already do this.

Via bsw.
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: chaimmayer on October 11, 2013, 03:48:56 PM
Rumor has it that the NYPD now believes that the West Side biker gang from last week was trying to 'persuade' the fellow in the SUV to give a Get :)
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Centro on October 13, 2013, 02:19:51 PM
I was at a wedding when the badchen started to sing, suddenly he asked out loud who doesn't have whatsapp?Only 2 people raised there hands,He asked the 2 people should come out he has a few jokes to tell them.
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: smurf on October 13, 2013, 02:22:23 PM
I was at a wedding when the badchen started to sing, suddenly he asked out loud who doesn't have whatsapp?Only 2 people raised there hands,He asked the 2 people should come out he has a few jokes to tell them.
like
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Achas Veachas on October 13, 2013, 02:24:24 PM
I was at a wedding when the badchen started to sing, suddenly he asked out loud who doesn't have whatsapp?Only 2 people raised there hands,He asked the 2 people should come out he has a few jokes to tell them.
LOL Whatsapping that.

ETA: Apparently, I was the ast person in my Whatsapp group to hear that one :-[
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Dan on October 14, 2013, 09:01:41 PM
2nd half of this bit on the NY Post is pretty funny:
https://myspace.com/johnmulaneymusic/music/song/mariachi-and-the-new-york-post-86316114-95638073
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SamKey on October 15, 2013, 09:25:09 AM
A not-so-knowledgeable Rabbi was officiating at a wedding an reading out of the Siddur he tells the groom repeat after me: "Harei" 'harei' "at" 'at' "mikudeshes" 'mikudeshes' and at that point had to turn the page. Unfortunately he fitness pages instead if one and continued with doric tavshilin "lanu ulchol Yisroel hadarim b'ir hazeh...
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: chaimmayer on October 15, 2013, 12:55:16 PM
I heard it with בתוך שאר אבלי ציון וירושלים
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: AnonymousUser on October 15, 2013, 04:15:05 PM
This reminds me of a different joke. At the turn of the century, a European Rav needed parnassa,  so he became a Rabbi in a tiny Jewish community somewhere in America, where no one knew anything. He was officiating at a wedding and under the chuppah he tells the groom, repeat after me: "Harei" 'harei' "at" 'at' "mikudeshes" 'mikudeshes'. At that point he was afraid if he said "li", there would be a possibility that the bride would become married to himself. So he motioned to the groom, and said "nu", as if to say "finish it yourself". The groom, knowing absolutely nothing, repeated "nu". The Rav, getting frustrated, motioned again and said "nu nu", which the groom then repeated. Finally the rav gave up and said "li", and the groom said it too.
The rav later wrote a letter to his brother in europe describing the story, and he ended off "now I understand why dovid hamelech said in tehillim 'samachti b'omrim li'!"
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Dan on October 17, 2013, 11:44:31 AM
The Washington Redskins are changing their team name because of all the negativity, shame, humiliation, dissent, polarity, adversity, defiance, animosity, contempt, discrimination, division, counter-productivity and hostility associated with their name.
























From now on, they will simply be known as the Redskins.
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SamKey on October 17, 2013, 12:33:38 PM
The Washington Redskins are changing their team name because of all the negativity, shame, humiliation, dissent, polarity, adversity, defiance, animosity, contempt, discrimination, division, counter-productivity and hostility associated with

From now on, they will simply be known as the Redskins.
ROFL!
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: chaimmayer on October 17, 2013, 08:46:37 PM
A not-so-knowledgeable Rabbi was officiating at a wedding an reading out of the Siddur he tells the groom repeat after me: "Harei" 'harei' "at" 'at' "mikudeshes" 'mikudeshes' and at that point had to turn the page. Unfortunately he fitness pages instead if one and continued with doric tavshilin "lanu ulchol Yisroel hadarim b'ir hazeh...
I had a rebbi in yeshiva who said he had a guest once who said in benching
יהי רצון שלא יבוש בעה״ב בעולם הזה ולא יכנס לעוה״ב
(Anyone else go to ToMo?)
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: sillypainter on October 17, 2013, 09:00:39 PM
CV will like this one.

What's the difference between a jew and a canoe?

A canoe tips, a jew doesn't....
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Achas Veachas on October 17, 2013, 09:09:53 PM
I had a rebbi in yeshiva who said he had a guest once who said in benching
יהי רצון שלא יבוש בעה״ב בעולם הזה ולא יכנס לעוה״ב
(Anyone else go to ToMo?)
By the Rebbe's Seder there was once a Chazzan who said המכה בערוותו כל בכורי מצרים...
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: DovtheBear on October 17, 2013, 11:42:37 PM
A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.  The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:
"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter Melinda's Debutante Ball.  I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance."
"They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation. They should be excellent dancers, as they will be the escorts of lovely refined young ladies.   One last point:  "No Jews please."
Sending a written message by his own yeoman, the captain replied:  "Madam, thank you for your invitation. In order to present the widest possible knowledge base for polite conversation, I am sending four of my best and most prized officers."
"One is a lieutenant commander, and a graduate of Annapolis with an additional Masters degree from MIT in fluid technologies and ship design."
"The second is a Lieutenant, one of our helicopter pilots, and a graduate of Northwestern University in Chicago, with a BS in Aeronautical Engineering.  His Masters Degree and PhD i n Aeronautical and Mechanical Engineering are from Texas Tech University and he is also an astronaut candidate."
"The third officer is also a lieutenant, with degrees in both computer systems and information technology from SMU and he is awaiting notification on his Doctoral Dissertation from Cal Tech."
"Finally, the fourth officer, also a lieutenant commander, is our ship's doctor, with an undergraduate degree from the University of Georgia and his medical degree is from the University of North Carolina.  We are very proud of him, as he is also a senior fellow in Trauma Surgery at Bethesda ."
Upon receiving this letter, Melinda's mother was quite excited and looked forward to Thursday with pleasure. Her daughter would be escorted by four handsome naval officers without peer (and the other women in her social circle would be insanely jealous).
At precisely 8:00 PM on Thursday, Melinda's mother heard a polite rap at the door which she opened to find, in full dress uniform, four very handsome, smiling Black officers.
Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself together, she stammered,  "There must be some mistake."
"No, Madam," said the first officer.
"Captain Goldberg never makes mistakes."
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Super Speed on October 17, 2013, 11:46:14 PM
At a seminar on how to love your husband, the women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?"  
All the women raised their hands. Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?" Some women answered today, some yesterday, some couldn't remember.
The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband: "I love you, sweetheart."
The women were then told to exchange phones and to read aloud the text message responses.
Here are some of the replies:

1. Who is this?

2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick?

3. I love you too.

4. What now? Did you crash the car again?

5. I don't understand what you mean?

6. What did you do now?

7. ?!?

8. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?

9. Am I dreaming?

10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.

11. I thought we agreed we would not drink during the dn ay.

12. Your mother is coming to stay, isn't she??

Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Centro on October 18, 2013, 11:55:24 AM
Q. why are nushim putor from a mitzvas eseh shehazman gruma?

A. becuase they are never ready on time.
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SamKey on October 18, 2013, 11:57:45 AM
Q. why are nushim putor from a mitzvas eseh shehazman gruma?

A. becuase they are never ready on time.
That's not funny ;)
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Centro on October 18, 2013, 12:07:38 PM
That's not funny ;)
Agree, it's very sad :D
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: chaimmayer on October 18, 2013, 12:10:06 PM
That's not funny ;)
wife looking over your shoulder :P
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SamKey on October 18, 2013, 12:57:12 PM
wife looking over your shoulder :P
Not yet but hopefully soon  :D
reminds me if a line (yeah maybe I'll post it there too) Behind every great man...... is his wife rolling her eyes!
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Achas Veachas on October 19, 2013, 10:50:57 PM
A duck was about to cross the road when a chicken looked at him and said...













"Don't do it man... You will never hear the end of it!"
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Centro on October 20, 2013, 12:07:36 AM
If the "Kol Hoo'oillum Killoy" had been around in the times Avraham Avenu... he would definitely have found 50 tzadikim in Sedoim!
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Suave on October 20, 2013, 08:23:58 AM
True story: my friend goes to visit his not very frum FIL (who is always trying to impress him with how frum he is)

Friend notices an interesting looking blech with a 6 inch high wall around it (facing up). Pops, what is that? He says,  FIL replies; ah. Thats eiruv tavshilin!

Seriously true story
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: ChAiM'l on October 20, 2013, 10:57:29 AM
True story: my friend goes to visit his not very frum FIL (who is always trying to impress him with how frum he is)

Friend notices an interesting looking blech with a 6 inch high wall around it (facing up). Pops, what is that? He says,  FIL replies; ah. Thats eiruv tavshilin!

Seriously true story

POIDH... ;)
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Achas Veachas on October 20, 2013, 12:51:03 PM
My brother just texted me: Asian drivers are so bad, I'm starting to think pearl harbor was an accident..
I replied:And Americans are so trigger happy, I'm beginning to think Hiroshima was just a result of lax gun laws...
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: MosheD on October 22, 2013, 07:36:22 AM
Saw this on fb...had to share ;D

A mother and her child enter a cafe

Waiter: So what will it be?

Child: I WISH TO DEVOUR THE UNBORN!

Awkward silence as everyone in the cafe turns towards them...

Mother: Eggs...he would like eggs.
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: metziah on October 22, 2013, 09:28:35 AM
There was a boss looking to hire someone. But, this boss had one funny thing about him, he didn't have any ears and was very sensitive about it. First day someone comes for an interview and does great on the exam. Then the boss asks him "do you notice anything funny about me"? After pausing for a second he says "yes, you don't have any ears". The boss throws him out.
 Next day another guys comes in. He too does great on the exam. The boss asks him if he noticed anything funny about him. He start stuttering and fidgeting trying to get out of the situation. The boss urges him "c'mon tell me what's funny" finally he tells him "you don't have ears". The boss throws him out too.
Third day another guy comes in. He aces the exam and the boss is very excited. Then the boss asks him " do you notice anything funny about me"? He thinks for a second and then replies "Yes , you wear contact lenses".Amazed the boss asks him "Wow, how did you know that"? To which he responds "Easy, you don't have any ears so you can't wear glasses"!!!
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: good sam on October 22, 2013, 11:36:41 AM
If the "Kol Hoo'oillum Killoy" had been around in the times Avraham Avenu... he would definitely have found 50 tzadikim in Sedoim!
Just saw this one. ALOL
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SamKey on October 25, 2013, 04:26:22 PM
What's the mekor for Chassan ciggarettes? Rivka came with a pack of camels!

How do we know that Adam Harishon was the first Rebbe? He wore a fur coat and his children killed each other
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Suave on October 26, 2013, 05:18:08 AM
What's the mekor for Chassan ciggarettes? Rivka came with a pack of camels!

How do we know that Adam Harishon was the first Rebbe? He wore a fur coat and his children killed each other
Nice.

What did Avraham say when his tent fell down? Oh hell! (Ohel)

When HaShem said li hakesef vli hazahv, the Jews eagerly replied: Ani ledodi vedodi li.
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SamKey on October 27, 2013, 01:28:59 AM
When HaShem said li hakesef vli hazahv, the Jews eagerly replied: Ani ledodi vedodi li.
repost
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Chaikel on October 27, 2013, 11:05:00 AM
Someone I know was in Israel experiencing his first Shabbos ever on his way to becoming a Ba'al Teshuva.

They sat down to the meal Friday night meal. After Kiddush they brought out Challah and many dips. So he figures this must be the way Israelis dine Friday night. After filling himself with Challah and dips they bring out fish... soup... and a whole main dish. He wasn't able to eat a thing by the time the main came around and left stuffed.

Next morning he sits down with the family for the day meal and they start with dips as well. He just assumes that they're not going to be serving a whole meal at 10am (they weren't lubavitch ;) )so fills up on challah and dips again...

So along comes Shalashudos. He's regained his appetite and ready for a nice meal. They bring out challah and dips and he tells himself "this time I'm gonna be smart and save space for the good food..."
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: chaimmayer on October 27, 2013, 12:27:08 PM
Cute :D
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Dan on October 27, 2013, 12:40:05 PM
Do you really eat a whole meal at 10am?
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: mmermss on October 27, 2013, 12:54:34 PM
Do you really eat a whole meal at 10am?
What time do Lubavitch normally start their meal? Or does it depend on each person?
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: yuneeq on October 27, 2013, 01:39:28 PM
Do you really eat a whole meal at 10am?

In Israel that's a normal time to start.
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: mmermss on October 27, 2013, 01:57:42 PM
In Israel that's a normal time to start.
Really? I start mine 12:30-1:00
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: yuneeq on October 27, 2013, 02:07:58 PM
Really? I start mine 12:30-1:00

You're an American, it don't mean nothing. :)
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Dan on October 27, 2013, 02:13:48 PM
What time do Lubavitch normally start their meal? Or does it depend on each person?
In Cleveland 12:30.
In Crown Heights anywhere from 12:30-2:30.

Can't imagine eating a big shabbos lunch at 10 in the morning.  Would make for an epic nap I suppose though from lunch until mincha on a long shabbos.
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: yuneeq on October 27, 2013, 02:16:02 PM
Can't imagine eating a big shabbos lunch at 10 in the morning.  Would make for an epic nap I suppose though from lunch until mincha on a long shabbos.

It makes shalosh seudos and melave malka 1000x easier :)
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Dan on October 27, 2013, 02:17:04 PM
It makes shalosh seudos and melave malka 1000x easier :)
Definitely less #FOMOM if nothing else.
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: yuneeq on October 27, 2013, 02:22:12 PM
Definitely less #FOMOM if nothing else.

Huh?
GINMF
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Dan on October 27, 2013, 02:52:27 PM
Huh?
GINMF
Was watching football and saw #FOMOF (Fear Of Missing Out on Football)
which would make FOMOM Fear Of Missing Out on Milchigs :D
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: elikay on October 27, 2013, 02:58:23 PM
Was watching football and saw #FOMOF (Fear Of Missing Out on Football)
which would make FOMOM Fear Of Missing Out on Milchigs :D
lol
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: churnbabychurn on October 27, 2013, 03:27:00 PM
In Cleveland 12:30.
In Crown Heights anywhere from 12:30-2:30.

Can't imagine eating a big shabbos lunch at 10 in the morning.  Would make for an epic nap I suppose though from lunch until mincha on a long shabbos.
Its easy for you guys, you eat breakfast!
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Chaikel on October 28, 2013, 10:00:43 AM
Do you really eat a whole meal at 10am?
Many Israelis start at 9:30 or earlier
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: sky121 on October 29, 2013, 08:53:28 AM
If a white girl eats something, and no one is around to Instagram it, did it even happen?
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: AnonymousUser on October 29, 2013, 09:33:19 AM
If a white girl eats something, and no one is around to Instagram it, did it even happen?
ALOL :D
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: how on October 29, 2013, 09:36:46 AM
Many Israelis start at 9:30 or earlier
Especially now that they changed the clock
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: PlatinumGuy on October 29, 2013, 05:30:24 PM
Two middle-aged men, Shmuel and Aaron, are learning together in the Beis Midrash. When they come to a break, Shmuel says:

"You know, my daughter is getting married next month. We've been learning together for years, and so I'd like to honor you with being one of the witnesses at the ceremony."

At this, Aaron looks a little embarrassed and says: "I'm sorry, Shumuel, but I'm afraid I have to turn you down. You see, well, I'm actually not Jewish so I can't serve as a witness."

"What do you mean you're not Jewish?" asks Shmuel. "We've been learning together for years. How can it be that you're not Jewish?"
"Well," answers Aaron, "I've always found the learning to be a great intellectual exercise. And, of course, I also like spending time with you. But, in the end, I'm still not Jewish."

"But hold on," Shumuel protested. "I've seen you keep Shabbos. You know that a non-Jew isn't allowed to keep Shabbos."
"Ah," replied Aaron serenely, "you only *thought* you saw me keep Shabbos. The truth of the matter is that I always kept a key in my pocket when I walked outside. This way I always carried on Shabbos."

"But there's an eruv!" said Shmuel.

"Yes," countered Aaron, "but I don't hold of the eruv."
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Achas Veachas on October 29, 2013, 05:43:50 PM
Two middle-aged men, Shmuel and Aaron, are learning together in the Beis Midrash. When they come to a break, Shmuel says:

"You know, my daughter is getting married next month. We've been learning together for years, and so I'd like to honor you with being one of the witnesses at the ceremony."

At this, Aaron looks a little embarrassed and says: "I'm sorry, Shumuel, but I'm afraid I have to turn you down. You see, well, I'm actually not Jewish so I can't serve as a witness."

"What do you mean you're not Jewish?" asks Shmuel. "We've been learning together for years. How can it be that you're not Jewish?"
"Well," answers Aaron, "I've always found the learning to be a great intellectual exercise. And, of course, I also like spending time with you. But, in the end, I'm still not Jewish."

"But hold on," Shumuel protested. "I've seen you keep Shabbos. You know that a non-Jew isn't allowed to keep Shabbos."
"Ah," replied Aaron serenely, "you only *thought* you saw me keep Shabbos. The truth of the matter is that I always kept a key in my pocket when I walked outside. This way I always carried on Shabbos."

"But there's an eruv!" said Shmuel.

"Yes," countered Aaron, "but I don't hold of the eruv."

To which Shmuel replied "I don't hold by it either for Shabbos, but I think now we should go by it Lechumrah and kill you anyways".
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: YOSEF on October 29, 2013, 09:21:00 PM
Two middle-aged men, Shmuel and Aaron, are learning together in the Beis Midrash. When they come to a break, Shmuel says:

"You know, my daughter is getting married next month. We've been learning together for years, and so I'd like to honor you with being one of the witnesses at the ceremony."

At this, Aaron looks a little embarrassed and says: "I'm sorry, Shumuel, but I'm afraid I have to turn you down. You see, well, I'm actually not Jewish so I can't serve as a witness."

"What do you mean you're not Jewish?" asks Shmuel. "We've been learning together for years. How can it be that you're not Jewish?"
"Well," answers Aaron, "I've always found the learning to be a great intellectual exercise. And, of course, I also like spending time with you. But, in the end, I'm still not Jewish."

"But hold on," Shumuel protested. "I've seen you keep Shabbos. You know that a non-Jew isn't allowed to keep Shabbos."
"Ah," replied Aaron serenely, "you only *thought* you saw me keep Shabbos. The truth of the matter is that I always kept a key in my pocket when I walked outside. This way I always carried on Shabbos."

"But there's an eruv!" said Shmuel.

"Yes," countered Aaron, "but I don't hold of the eruv."

To which Shmuel replied "I don't hold by it either for Shabbos, but I think now we should go by it Lechumrah and kill you anyways".
Its a nice joke, but the "not holding of the eruv" is actually not necessarily Chilul Shabbos.

IF not holding of the eruv means the actual eruv, then it would be a karmalis and only an issur Drabanun. IF not holding of the eruv means is it possible to have an eruv, as its really a rishus harabim, then it would be chilul Shabbos.
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Achas Veachas on October 29, 2013, 09:41:53 PM
Its a nice joke, but the "not holding of the eruv" is actually not necessarily Chilul Shabbos.

IF not holding of the eruv means the actual eruv, then it would be a karmalis and only an issur Drabanun. IF not holding of the eruv means is it possible to have an eruv, as its really a rishus harabim, then it would be chilul Shabbos.
So if an Aku"m was Shoves Mideoraisa but was Over on a Derabanan is he Chayav Misa?
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: YOSEF on October 29, 2013, 11:37:24 PM
So if an Aku"m was Shoves Mideoraisa but was Over on a Derabanan is he Chayav Misa?
I dont get it.
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Super Speed on October 30, 2013, 12:06:51 AM
Its a nice joke, but the "not holding of the eruv" is actually not necessarily Chilul Shabbos.

IF not holding of the eruv means the actual eruv, then it would be a karmalis and only an issur Drabanun. IF not holding of the eruv means is it possible to have an eruv, as its really a rishus harabim, then it would be chilul Shabbos.
What do a frog and a joke have in common? Once you dissect it it dies... V'hamaven Yaven.

Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: jj1000 on October 30, 2013, 12:14:37 AM
What do a frog and a joke have in common? Once you dissect it it dies... V'hamaven Yaven.


Why a frog? Wouldn't any animal or human die if dissected? And some people just don't understand jokes, but still find it funny when explained to them so a jokes not really dead when dissected.

;)
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Chaikel on October 30, 2013, 04:48:22 AM
What do a frog and a joke have in common? Once you dissect it it dies... V'hamaven Yaven.


Doesn't it die before it's dissected?
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Achas Veachas on October 30, 2013, 07:16:31 AM
Doesn't it die before it's dissected?
Exactly. It dies as soon the first person says 'I don't get it...'
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: good sam on October 30, 2013, 10:50:08 AM
So if an Aku"m was Shoves Mideoraisa but was Over on a Derabanan is he Chayav Misa?
Anyone know the answer to this? I'm interested.
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Achas Veachas on October 30, 2013, 10:50:40 AM
Anyone know the answer to this? I'm interested.
Maybe move it to the Halachah thread...
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Mocha on October 30, 2013, 10:52:41 AM
A Chassidishe yungerman was alone on a ship and got caught in a storm. His ship got damaged beyond repair but he saw an island and was able to make it to ashore. The island was vacant and he was all alone for 2 years before he was spotted by a passing ship. When they came to get him they noticed 2 big buildings, and they asked him what they were. He replied "those are 2 Shuls I built". To which they obviously asked "why two"? He answered while pointing at one of the buildings, "you don't understand, this one I refuse to walk into."
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: good sam on October 30, 2013, 10:56:52 AM
lol
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: meshugener on October 30, 2013, 05:09:52 PM
A Chassidishe yungerman was alone on a ship and got caught in a storm. His ship got damaged beyond repair but he saw an island and was able to make it to ashore. The island was vacant and he was all alone for 2 years before he was spotted by a passing ship. When they came to get him they noticed 2 big buildings, and they asked him what they were. He replied "those are 2 Shuls I built". To which they obviously asked "why two"? He answered while pointing at one of the buildings, "you don't understand, this one I refuse to walk into."
:D
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: txtmax4 on October 30, 2013, 05:16:51 PM
A Chassidishe yungerman was alone on a ship and got caught in a storm. His ship got damaged beyond repair but he saw an island and was able to make it to ashore. The island was vacant and he was all alone for 2 years before he was spotted by a passing ship. When they came to get him they noticed 2 big buildings, and they asked him what they were. He replied "those are 2 Shuls I built". To which they obviously asked "why two"? He answered while pointing at one of the buildings, "you don't understand, this one I refuse to walk into."
FTFY  ;) :P
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Saver2000 on October 30, 2013, 05:18:01 PM
FTFY  ;) :P
???
Seems like you missed the joke. 
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: txtmax4 on October 30, 2013, 07:05:42 PM
???
Seems like you missed the joke. 
Seems from your comment that you're not a chossid ;)
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: jj1000 on October 30, 2013, 07:12:25 PM
Seems from your comment that you're not a chossid ;)
+1. Everyone knows a chossid wouldn't even make a shul :P
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: churnbabychurn on October 30, 2013, 10:13:33 PM
???
Seems like you missed the joke.
He's not up to date on current events:D
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: yuneeq on October 30, 2013, 10:38:27 PM
My sister posted on whatsapp:

Workshop...very important...a must attend..both days essential 

 WICOE
(Women In Charge Of Everything)

Is proud to announce the opening of its
EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!
OPEN TO MEN ONLY
ALL ARE WELCOME

Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants

The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:

DAY ONE

HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step guide with slide presentation

TOILET ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Roundtable discussion

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
Practising with hamper (Pictures and graphics)

DISHES & SILVERWARE;
DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK
OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among a panel of experts.

REMOTE CONTROL
Losing the remote control - Help line and support groups

LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Starting with looking in the right place
Instead of turning the house upside down while screaming -
Open forum

DAY TWO

EMPTY MILK CARTONS;
DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
Group discussion and role play

HEALTH WATCH;
BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
PowerPoint presentation

REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who did

IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY
AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation

LIVING WITH ADULTS;
BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN
YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR WIFE
Online class and role playing

HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES
& CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE
Bring your calendar or PDA to class

GETTING OVER IT;
LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
Individual counsellors available.
Send this on to all women who may need a laugh and to guys who you think can handle the truth

My brother responded:
By the way I went to the WICOE workshop.. of course like all other women related things- it didn't start on time, had way too much talking, made no sense, did not answer any questions and cost me a fortune of money
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: HP58 on October 31, 2013, 02:36:25 AM
ROTFL
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: george on October 31, 2013, 08:04:16 AM
Really cute!
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: jj1000 on October 31, 2013, 12:33:22 PM
Here is the best claim and easiest way to settle the Israel-Arab conflict.

Palestine belongs to the Arabs?

How many Muslims do u know with the last name Stein?
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Achas Veachas on October 31, 2013, 12:40:32 PM
Here is the best claim and easiest way to settle the Israel-Arab conflict.

Palestine belongs to the Arabs?

How many Muslims do u know with the last name Stein?
Groaaaaannnn
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: frozy on October 31, 2013, 07:35:13 PM
SOD Chuck Bagel is briefing the president.

Mr. President, he says, three Brazilian soldiers were killed yesterday.

The president moans, puts his head in his hands and shows all kinds of distress.  The staff can't understand what the huge tragedy is in the death of the soldiers from a semi-rogue state.

Finally Obama picks up his head and asks "exactly how many is a brazillion?"
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: frozy on October 31, 2013, 07:36:01 PM
Sorry Chuck Hagel
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Mocha on October 31, 2013, 07:36:37 PM
SOD Chuck Bagel is briefing the president.

Mr. President, he says, three Brazilian soldiers were killed yesterday.

The president moans, puts his head in his hands and shows all kinds of distress.  The staff can't understand what the huge tragedy is in the death of the soldiers from a semi-rogue state.

Finally Obama picks up his head and asks "exactly how many is a brazillion?"
Ask the secret service. They know where to get them for cheap.
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Dan on October 31, 2013, 07:46:10 PM
SOD Chuck Bagel is briefing the president.

Mr. President, he says, three Brazilian soldiers were killed yesterday.

The president moans, puts his head in his hands and shows all kinds of distress.  The staff can't understand what the huge tragedy is in the death of the soldiers from a semi-rogue state.

Finally Obama picks up his head and asks "exactly how many is a brazillion?"

Was funnier when I heard that one about Bush 10 years ago.
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: elikay on October 31, 2013, 07:55:10 PM
Sorry Chuck Hagel
I liked the bagel version!
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: ushdadude on October 31, 2013, 08:14:58 PM
Why did Yaakov create mariv?
He'd rather have to run out to mariv than put 12 kids to sleep.
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Achas Veachas on October 31, 2013, 08:37:41 PM
Was funnier when I heard that one about Bush 10 years ago.
+1
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Suave on November 04, 2013, 06:13:01 AM
Ask the secret service. They know where to get them for cheap.
lol, thought they were Colombians
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Chaikel on November 04, 2013, 06:14:18 AM
lol, thought they were Colombians
The Secret Service is an equal opportunity emloyer
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: rcarentals on November 04, 2013, 11:37:53 AM
Subject: BLONDE



A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a
handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the
front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her
to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde
said "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and
other materials that she might need were in the garage. The mans wife,
inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she
realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied,
"She should, she was standing on it." A short time later, the blonde came to
the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes,"
the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50."And by the way," the
blonde added, "it's not a Porche, its a Ferrari."=
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: good sam on November 04, 2013, 11:42:12 AM
Subject: BLONDE



A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a
handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the
front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her
to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde
said "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and
other materials that she might need were in the garage. The mans wife,
inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she
realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied,
"She should, she was standing on it." A short time later, the blonde came to
the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes,"
the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50."And by the way," the
blonde added, "it's not a Porche, its a Ferrari."=
Oldy but a goody
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: good sam on November 04, 2013, 11:42:48 AM
Was funnier when I heard that one about Bush 10 years ago.
+1

Not characteristic of Obama
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: ilherman on November 13, 2013, 11:54:54 PM
A British boy got married to a american girl,
A day after they got married  after getting dressed for a half hour for sheva brochos she asked him how do I look? Boy answered... Like A million pounds....
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SamKey on November 14, 2013, 12:36:43 AM
A British boy got married to a american girl,
A day after they got married  after getting dressed for a half hour for sheva brochos she asked him how do I look? Boy answered... Like A million pounds....
Sort of like Chaikel's tweet "the royal baby weighs 9lbs... about 13usd
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Centro on November 17, 2013, 10:39:17 AM
Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO.

The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.
He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?"
The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's.
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: buggie on November 19, 2013, 12:17:01 AM
someone asked a rav about going to uman since r nachman would pull him from hell from his peyos. the rav replied that if youre shomer kedushas bris then avrohom avinu will pull you out from hell. the guy answered but id rather get pulled out by my peyos.
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: AnonymousUser on November 19, 2013, 07:49:14 AM
someone asked a rav about going to uman since r nachman would pull him from hell from his peyos. the rav replied that if youre shomer kedushas bris then avrohom avinu will pull you out from hell. the guy answered but id rather get pulled out by my peyos.
Repost!
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Achas Veachas on November 26, 2013, 11:35:48 AM
Yankel: Berel did you try that new restaurant?
Berel: Yeah was just there last night.
Y: Nu? How was?
B: Well... If the wine would have been as old as the chicken, and the chicken as fat as the waiter there would be what to talk about...
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Moshe123 on November 26, 2013, 07:14:23 PM
Because I'm in Israel, I have to repost.
An Israeli faces many critical decisions every single day.
The hardest critical decision that must be decided several times a day is whether to flush חצי מיכל or מיכל מלא.
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: danrocks613 on November 26, 2013, 09:04:33 PM
Where was Dina in Yosef's dream - why did Dina not bow to him in his dream?

Answer - Dina was Yosef's mother in law and a mother in law won't bow to you in your wildest dreams.
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Myccrabbi on November 27, 2013, 06:04:07 PM
A Briskar Asked his Rov: "When I'm looking for my wife after Davening on Friday night at the park among all the other women, whether it's a Sheilah of Boirer? " The Rov answered: "It depends, If it's Pisoiles Mitoich Oichel or Oichel Mitoich Pisoiles"?
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Mocha on November 28, 2013, 11:47:04 AM
A Briskar Asked his Rov: "When I'm looking for my wife after Davening on Friday night at the park among all the other women, whether it's a Sheilah of Boirer? " The Rov answered: "It depends, If it's Pisoiles Mitoich Oichel or Oichel Mitoich Pisoiles"?
awesome!!  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Myccrabbi on November 28, 2013, 02:26:19 PM
A kid asked from his father for $6 of chanukah gelt.
The father says, what? 5?
4 is not enough for u?
Then he says, ok take 3.
He took out 2,
And gave him 1.
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Centro on November 28, 2013, 07:49:37 PM
The pilot announced today on the flight, for those in ur seats happy thanksgiving and for those in the aisles happy Chanukah.
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: DovtheBear on November 28, 2013, 08:27:08 PM
The pilot announced today on the flight, for those in ur seats happy thanksgiving and for those in the aisles happy Chanukah.
True story?
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Centro on November 28, 2013, 08:35:33 PM
True story?
;)
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Achas Veachas on November 28, 2013, 09:52:40 PM
True story?
Old story only its usually about xmas
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: DovtheBear on November 28, 2013, 09:55:12 PM
Old story only its usually about xmas
Oh.
Any non-antisemitic jokes tonight? :P
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: meshugener on November 28, 2013, 10:04:37 PM
Ever heard of המזמרים choir?
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: MisterHock on November 28, 2013, 10:07:31 PM
Fair warning that this is a really bad joke.

Q.  What do you call a check engine light in Lakewood?
A.  A Ner Tomid
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Myccrabbi on November 28, 2013, 10:10:40 PM
Fair warning that this is a really bad joke.

Q.  What do you call a check engine light in Lakewood?
A.  A Ner Tomid
lol.
My shvuger told me grode epes........
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: meshugener on November 28, 2013, 10:17:44 PM
Okay, so a lady calls in the hamezamrim office, she wants to ordre them for her son's bar mitzvah.
Lady: what's your price?
Hamezamrim: we charge $400 per singer
Lady: wow! $400?? Than I don't think I can afford more than one mamzer.
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Myccrabbi on November 28, 2013, 10:21:44 PM
Okay, so a lady calls in the hamezamrim office, she wants to ordre them for her son's bar mitzvah.
Lady: what's your price?
Hamezamrim: we charge $400 per singer
Lady: wow! $400?? Than I don't think I can afford more than one mamzer.
lmao!!!
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: notanonymous on November 28, 2013, 10:25:44 PM
Fair warning that this is a really bad joke.

Q.  What do you call a check engine light in Lakewood?
A.  A Ner Tomid
Two cars with perpetual engine lights.  That is what an OBD reader is for.
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: raphy781 on November 29, 2013, 04:16:06 AM
Okay, so a lady calls in the hamezamrim office, she wants to ordre them for her son's bar mitzvah.
Lady: what's your price?
Hamezamrim: we charge $400 per singer
Lady: wow! $400?? Than I don't think I can afford more than one mamzer.
I'm pretty sure that joke is based on the story where a lady came over to them at a simcha and asked them how much it costs for one mamzer. I have a friend who was there. He said everybody around was rolling.
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: good sam on November 29, 2013, 10:52:04 AM
Okay, so a lady calls in the hamezamrim office, she wants to ordre them for her son's bar mitzvah.
Lady: what's your price?
Hamezamrim: we charge $400 per singer
Lady: wow! $400?? Than I don't think I can afford more than one mamzer.
#alwayssoundsbetterinyiddish
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: SamKey on November 29, 2013, 11:50:28 AM
The pilot announced today on the flight, for those in ur seats happy thanksgiving and for those in the aisles happy Chanukah.
and I'm in a sefardi shul this morning standing room only and I'm pacing around my Daled Amos and some guy comes running over motioning me to sit down!
#HappyThanksgiving #Franks
Title: Re: Jokes. Any type goes. Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?
Post by: Dan on December 05, 2013, 10:20:20 PM