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DansDeals Forum => Just Shmooze => Topic started by: Bh101 on August 06, 2011, 10:29:48 PM

Title: jokes for my bothers aufruf
Post by: Bh101 on August 06, 2011, 10:29:48 PM
my brother is having his aufruf this week and i have to speak. i need help with jokes and a speech in general. all and any help would be appreciated. ( i really suk at speaking and making speeches) thanks!!!
Title: Re: jokes for my bothers aufruf
Post by: henche on August 06, 2011, 10:43:26 PM
At my brother's sheva brachos, I cited the gemara that says keitzad merakdim lifnei hakalla, beis shamai omrim, "kalla k'maves"
(כלה כמות)
Title: Re: jokes for my bothers aufruf
Post by: elikay on August 06, 2011, 10:57:16 PM
not again ::)
Title: Re: jokes for my bothers aufruf
Post by: henche on August 06, 2011, 11:14:27 PM
yes again
Title: Re: jokes for my bothers aufruf
Post by: Bh101 on August 06, 2011, 11:18:25 PM
where is the gemarah? i want to take a look at it
Title: Re: jokes for my bothers aufruf
Post by: henche on August 06, 2011, 11:20:21 PM
ketubos 16b bottom line
Title: Re: jokes for my bothers aufruf
Post by: elikay on August 07, 2011, 12:21:36 AM
yes again
Danielz reincarnation
The gemara in kesubos, 16b says "keitzad merakdim lifnei hakalla, beis shammai omrim, 'kalla k'muves'".
http://hebrewbooks.org/shas.aspx?mesechta=15&daf=16b&format=pdf last line.
Title: Re: jokes for my bothers aufruf
Post by: henche on August 07, 2011, 12:22:21 AM
Or maybe I'm danielz's brother?
Title: Re: jokes for my bothers aufruf
Post by: elikay on August 07, 2011, 12:27:13 AM
Definitely a possibility...
Title: Re: jokes for my bothers aufruf
Post by: Bh101 on August 07, 2011, 12:37:54 AM
anything else? im really desperate! jokes or just something interesting or good, whether or not it connects plz keep it coming 
Title: Re: jokes for my bothers aufruf
Post by: ganizzy on August 07, 2011, 12:40:21 AM
why does the chosson break the glass under the chuppah - its the last time he will put his foot down
Title: Re: jokes for my bothers aufruf
Post by: elikay on August 07, 2011, 12:41:43 AM
anything else? im really desperate! jokes or just something interesting or good, whether or not it connects plz keep it coming 
try the thread I linked to
Title: Re: jokes for my bothers aufruf
Post by: Deal Guy on August 07, 2011, 01:59:02 AM
try the thread I linked to
I think you WANTED to link to, but never made it.
Title: Re: jokes for my bothers aufruf
Post by: henche on August 07, 2011, 02:08:01 AM
I think you WANTED to link to, but never made it.
http://www.dansdeals.com/forums/index.php?topic=5432.msg59063#msg59063
Title: Re: jokes for my bothers aufruf
Post by: elikay on August 07, 2011, 02:09:37 AM
I think you WANTED to link to, but never made it.
 
>:(
if you would click on my quote from DanielZ you would see it
Title: Re: jokes for my bothers aufruf
Post by: elikay on August 07, 2011, 02:10:30 AM
http://www.dansdeals.com/forums/index.php?topic=5432.msg59063#msg59063
exactly what I linked, thanks.
Title: Re: jokes for my bothers aufruf
Post by: Deal Guy on August 07, 2011, 02:16:51 AM
>:(
if you would click on my quote from DanielZ you would see it

Why are you  >:(  at me? I still don't see where you posted the link above. The link that you posted was for the daf gemara. I guess You wanted me to know to click on the line where it says Quote from Danielz.
Title: Re: jokes for my bothers aufruf
Post by: henche on August 07, 2011, 02:17:55 AM
Why are you  >:(  at me? I still don't see where you posted the link above. The link that you posted was for the daf gemara!

He just doesn't know how to make this face:
Title: Re: jokes for my bothers aufruf
Post by: elikay on August 07, 2011, 02:30:50 AM
click on the line where it says Quote from Danielz.
:D
Title: Re: jokes for my bothers aufruf
Post by: Bh101 on August 07, 2011, 11:13:49 AM
try the thread I linked to
i did and no offense to the previous thread but i didnt see anything that was good, most of it was old MIL jokes
Title: Re: jokes for my bothers aufruf
Post by: Bh101 on August 10, 2011, 09:56:34 PM
anything guys ? i would appreciate all the help!
Title: Re: jokes for my bothers aufruf
Post by: YOSEF on August 14, 2011, 01:25:14 AM
Did it happen already?

If they call him up for the aliyah "yamod, yamod, yamod" instead of "vyamod", you can tell him that he better learn to answer the first time if he wants a happy marriage.
Title: jokes for my bothers aufruf
Post by: yossi4k on August 14, 2011, 01:57:22 AM
Person went to heaven saw 2 lines people . One line had a sign: 'husbands who listen to their wives' and was very long the other had a sign: 'husbands, who their wives listen to them' and it had only one little guy there. So the observer went over to the little guy and asked him ; 'Why are you standing here?'
The guy answered, 'I don't know, my wife told me to!'
Title: Re: jokes for my bothers aufruf
Post by: elikay on August 14, 2011, 01:58:05 AM
Did it happen already?

If they call him up for the aliyah "yamod, yamod, yamod" instead of "vyamod", you can tell him that he better learn to answer the first time if he wants a happy marriage.
"vyamod" who does it that way I always hear "yamod"
Title: Re: jokes for my bothers aufruf
Post by: Bh101 on August 14, 2011, 12:42:22 PM
Did it happen already?

If they call him up for the aliyah "yamod, yamod, yamod" instead of "vyamod", you can tell him that he better learn to answer the first time if he wants a happy marriage.
yup it happened over shabbos
Title: Re: jokes for my bothers aufruf
Post by: 18seagate on January 11, 2014, 05:36:18 PM
Anyone have any jokes? Have to speak. Any will be appreciated
Title: Re: jokes for my bothers aufruf
Post by: Let3 on January 11, 2014, 07:23:03 PM
Does it have to be a good joke?

As a intro to my speech at my brothers aufrif I asked- why does the brother always speak at the aufrif, not at one of sheva brachos etc?
Answer: HaShem asked kayin "ayei hevel achicha?" - what are your brothers "flaws" , give me some good lashon hara..
He answered- "hashomer achi anochi?"- I don't know yet, cause I wasn't his "shomer" yet...
The week of the wedding the chasson needs a "shomer" - and who will waste all that time if not his brother, but then he is being watched 24/(7), and the brother will learn many "secrets". so the chasson has to make sure he will speak BEFORE the aufrif, not to embarrass   him in public....
Title: Re: jokes for my bothers aufruf
Post by: 18seagate on January 12, 2014, 08:44:27 AM
Thanks. Anybody else?
Title: Re: jokes for my bothers aufruf
Post by: MarkS on January 12, 2014, 10:50:49 AM
If you are a bochur - here's a way to start off...

I was at an aufruf once where one of the Chossons single friends pulled out a paper from his pocket (ostensibly his speech) and started reading:
Chaiky Rosen, 23 years old, 5 foot 3. Bnos Chava - ---- oops, wrong paper!!! (put it away and pull out real speech).

Was the story of the guy changing a tire ever said on here?

A guy was asked what type of girl he is looking for. He responded with the following story:
I was once driving down the highway when I noticed a car stopped in the shoulder with a flat tire and a woman looking like she needs help. I pulled over and she asked me to change her tire for her. Always willing to help I got to work jacking it up and putting in the spare. She told me to please try not to shake the car too or make noise while changing it because she doesn't want to wake up her husband who is sleeping in the passenger sheet.
THAT answered the guy - is the type of girl I want to marry! :)
Title: Re: jokes for my bothers aufruf
Post by: 18seagate on January 12, 2014, 12:01:41 PM
Pretty good
Title: Re: jokes for my bothers aufruf
Post by: michael on January 12, 2014, 05:11:55 PM
Looking for the mekor for having to respect an older brother, not just the oldest brother. From kabed ES. Most meforshim say it's only the oldest, but several reference a shita that it's any older brother. Need it for sheva brachos speech. Anybody know?
Title: Re: jokes for my bothers aufruf
Post by: MC on January 12, 2014, 07:35:34 PM
The Arizal (birkei yosef) says it applies to all older siblings.
I'm sure there are other sources too
Title: Re: jokes for my bothers aufruf
Post by: churnbabychurn on January 12, 2014, 07:54:38 PM
Looking for the mekor for having to respect an older brother, not just the oldest brother. From kabed ES. Most meforshim say it's only the oldest, but several reference a shita that it's any older brother. Need it for sheva brachos speech. Anybody know?
i looked into this once, cant remember the sefer...Did you check the minchas chinuch?
Title: Re: jokes for my bothers aufruf
Post by: Achas Veachas on January 20, 2014, 05:39:10 PM
Off topic: I was asked to speak at a Bar-Mitzvah, any Bar-Mitzvah jokes out there?
Title: Re: jokes for my bothers aufruf
Post by: cozmohoot on January 20, 2014, 06:55:09 PM
Off topic: I was asked to speak at a Bar-Mitzvah, any Bar-Mitzvah jokes out there?
how about the seforim/umbrella one? I wanted to give you something you will actually open up so here's an umbrella ;)
Title: Aufruf Jokes
Post by: solls108 on June 10, 2014, 06:39:28 PM
I thought it would be good to gather a collection of good generic funny aufruf jokes.

Whether opening 5 min jokes or quick 1 liners - please feel free to share!

"IYH by you!"
Title: Re: Aufruf Jokes
Post by: ChAiM'l on June 10, 2014, 06:40:49 PM
There was this guy that didn't know how to search... (http://forums.dansdeals.com/index.php?topic=9303.0)
Title: Re: Aufruf Jokes
Post by: solls108 on June 10, 2014, 06:42:29 PM
Didnt see that, thanks!!