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Re: Jokes Master Thread A group of bochurim were going on a road trip. They had two cars - a station wagon and a coupe. They couldn't decide which of the two cars should lead - some argued the coupe should lead because it's a fancier car. Some argued that the Wagon should lead because of B'Rov Am Hadras Melech. They kept going back and forth, but couldn't reach a conclusion. So they turned to the resident Iluy in the beis medrash and asked him - his opinion.

"Obviously, the coupe should go first - don't you know the rule - Two-Door, V'Shainu Two-Door - Two-Door Kodem"

July 09, 2019, 12:36:37 PM
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Re: Jokes Master Thread Thieves wander into a shtetl and kidnap four Jewish men right before Yom Kippur, and hold them for Ransom. The 4 men they kidnap are: The Rabbi, The Chazzan, the Shul President, and one of the balei batim.

The community realizes it's a bad precedent, and decides not to pay the Ransom, and so after some debate, the thieves decide that they need to kill these four men. To show that they are not cruel, they grant each man a last request.

The Rabbi says - "I wrote a beautiful sermon for Kol nidrei, it's sure to get anyone to do Teshuva - can I please give my sermon?"
The Chazzan says - "I composed a beautiful niggun for Nesaneh Tokef, and I would love to sing it!"
The President says - "I wrote an amazing appeal that would cause everyone to donate to the shul, and I'd like to give it"
The Ba'al Habyis says - "Kill me first"


July 12, 2019, 11:43:39 AM
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Re: Jokes Master Thread Chaim Yankel is going on his first Shidduch date. Chaim is very shy, and hasn't really talked to any girls, so before the date, his father gives him this advice: "Since you're dating for the sake of marriage, your conversations need to be tachlisdik (functional) - you need to cover three topics: Food - you need to know if your food tastes are compatible; Family - you need to know her approach to family and family values, and Philosophy - which will help you understand how she thinks and who she is as a person." Chaim repeats this to his dad - "Food, Family, Philosophy, got it", and heads off to pick up his date.

Because Chaim and his date are both shy, things, as you imagine aren't going well. After a few minutes of awkward silence, Chaim remembers his first topic - Food. He turns to his date and asks: "Tell me, do you like soup?". His date looks at him, and simply replies, "No".

After a few more minutes of awkward silence, Chaim moves on to topic #2 - Family - "Tell me, " he asks her, " does your brother like soup?" She replies: "I don't have any brothers".

After a few more minutes of awkward silence, Chaim moves on to topic #3 - Philosophy - "Tell me," he asks, " If you had a brother, do you think he'd like Soup?"


July 12, 2019, 11:52:18 AM
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Re: Jokes Master Thread

Back in the day when Jews were still poor, when a bochur in the dorm was going on a date, his chevra would offer to lend him new clothes in order to make a good first impression. Moshe was about to go on a date, and while he was getting ready, Dovid insisted that he wear his new tie. Moshe comes back from the date, and Dovid asks him how it went. "It was okay," Moshe responded, " I think we might go on a second date". "More importantly, " asked Dovid, " did she say anything about my tie?". "As a matter of fact, she did", said Moshe, " she said, I don't like that tie on you, nor did I like it on the last 3 of your friends that I dated."


July 15, 2019, 12:55:02 PM
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Re: AN URGENT APPEAL TO THE NY YESHIVA COMMUNITY
I agree. The laws are targeting group 3, but group 2 are being caught in the crosshairs. If group 3 didn't exist, nobody would care about the slighly lower standards in group 2.

Group 1 essentially meets the standard when counting Hebrew language as a secular studies.

Based on my comments regarding the actual policy document, it would seem that group 2 would also qualify - albeit with a little creative accounting - i.e. Chumash qualifies towards history, and Gemara to Social Studies, and both qualify for foreign language.  Again - this is if the total is 12-15 hours per week as opposed to 20-25 hours per week. If it's 20-25 hours per week, even those in group 1 would have difficulty meeting the requirement.

This is not true. All groups are apposed to it including the Christian and Muslim schools.

A lot of independent schools are opposed to it, in part because its more quantitative than qualitative. It also puts the burden on the schools to do more time accounting in case they're subject to an audit. While it might be easy to see how any religious school would be opposed to time limitations, other schools that are not religious oppose it too - some of them have alternative methods of teaching or subjects other than the standard curriculum don't want the government interfering with their curricula either.

I imagine most schools would agree to a qualitative measure of their teaching (i.e. this % of students are required to pass statewide subject exams) vs. you must teach x number of hours of this subject per week. In the qualitative measures, those numbers should be driven by the public schools in their same district. Back in the days where everyone in NY was required to take regents, I'm sure that most Yeshivas had far higher averages than the overall Public School average (even if you throw out the cheaters).


July 22, 2019, 12:42:50 PM
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Re: AN URGENT APPEAL TO THE NY YESHIVA COMMUNITY
The question becomes how controlling  they're going to want to be in terms of the subjects taught.

And part of the reason everyone is against this is because it sets a bad precedent of being told not just what students have to know, but also what to teach, and how.

Exactly my point - which is why even some non-religious private schools are against it. The fight isn't as much about adequacy as it is about governmental control of private schooling.

July 22, 2019, 02:43:02 PM
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Re: Jokes Master Thread
Judge: “Why did you kill your wife after 30 years of marriage ?”
Defendant: Pure laziness, your honor. Every day I said “tomorrow”

Reminds me of the old Henny Youngman Joke:
David is visiting his parents' graves in the cemetery, a few plots over he sees a man wailing over a grave, repeating "Why did you die so young?" over and over.

Man: "Oy, why did you die so young? You were so young!"
David: "Excuse me sir, you seem very distraught, was this a close relative of yours?"
Man: "No, we weren't related. Why did you die so young!!"
David:"Wow, was he a good friend?"
Man:" I never met him alive - but why did he have to die so young!?!"
David:" You never met him, why are you so distraught?"
Man: " He was my wife's first husband! Why did he die so young!"

July 24, 2019, 08:57:21 AM
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Re: Jokes Master Thread ... and while on the subject:

In the afterlife, there's a lot of paperwork. Everything from where you live to what you drive is assessed by the angels based on a certain characteristic of your life. As an example, 3 men who recently died are at heaven's DMV. The angels explain that the car you get in heaven is a reflection of how faithful you were in your marriage on earth. They ask the first guy - how faithful were you in marriage. He explains that he was a travelling salesman who had a girlfriend in every city he'd visit and never told his wife. The angels hand him the keys to a used Chevy. The second man says that although he was mostly faithful, he once had a yearlong affair with his secretary, but ended it, told his wife and she ultimately forgave him. They gave him the keys to a small new Lexus. Finally the third guy says I was married for 54 years until my wife died two years ago. Not only did I never cheat on her, I never even thought of another woman in that way. The angels give him the keys to a brand new Rolls Royce.

A few days later, the guy in the Chevy stops at a red light, and sees his buddy in the Rolls one lane over, but the guy in the Rolls has a terrible look on his face. "Why so glum?" he asks," You've been rewarded for 54 years of faithful marriage, you should be proud!" "I was proud of it," says the guy in the Rolls, "until I drove past my wife the other day and she was on a skateboard!"


July 24, 2019, 09:05:48 AM
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Re: Jokes Master Thread Johnny and Billy are drinking at the bar when last call comes around, and the two tipsy men start walking home. A few blocks later, Johnny realizes that he needs to move his bowels, but there's no open bathroom for them to use. "It's okay, " says Billy, "there's no one around, just make your deposit here on the street, and we'll be gone before anyone is the wiser." So Billy stands guard while Johnny takes care of business. No sooner does he zip up his pants do they see a police officer approaching on foot patrol. Knowing that they don't have time to run, they need to hide the evidence. Billy quickly takes the hat off of his head and covers the poop.

As the officer walks by, he sees the two of them and the very suspicious hat lying on the floor. "Morning Gentlemen, " he says to them, " do you realize that you're hat's on the floor?". The Police officer bends down to pick up the hat, but Johnny stops him - "No, you can't pick it up!". "Why?," asks the police officer - " are you hiding something under the hat?" Billy responds - " as a matter of fact, the two of us just caught a bird under there, and if we pick up the hat, he'll fly away." "Not a problem," says the officer, " why don't you pick up the hat slowly, and I'll grab the bird!"

:)

July 25, 2019, 01:11:32 PM
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Re: Jokes Master Thread Well if no one else is going to post a joke, I might as well. Today - two jokes that my Russian/Hungarian friends would appreciate:

Joke 1:
A reporter in the city of Munkacs is sent to interview the oldest living man in the city on his 100th birthday. So he asks the man a few background questions:
Reporter: "What country were you born in?"
Old Man:"I was born in Hungary"
R:" ... and where did you get married?"
OM: "I got married in Czecheslovakia"
R:"... and what about your children, where were they born?"
OM: "In the Soviet Union"
R:"... and your grandkids?"
OM:"my grandkids were all born in the Ukraine"
R:"Wow, that's crazy, all of the different places you lived in!"
OM:" What are you talking about? I never left Munkacs!"


Joke 2:
During the Soviet Era, before someone graduated from high school, the Communist party would interview them to determine their loyalty. They would ask three questions, and your answers would prove your loyalty. One day 3 young men were set to be interviewed.

They asked the first one: "Who is your father, who is your mother, and what do you want to be when you grow up?"
He replied:" My father is Brezhnev, my mother is Russia, and I want to be a communist"
They stamped his file with a seal of approval, and sent him on his way

They asked the second one: "Who is your father, who is your mother, and what do you want to be when you grow up?"
He replied:" My father is Brezhnev, my mother is Russia, and I want to be a doctor"
They stamped his file too with a seal of approval, and sent him on his way

Finally they asked the third one: "Who is your father, who is your mother?"
He replied:" My father is Brezhnev, my mother is Russia"
"... and what do you want to be when you group up?", they continued.
"An Orphan"


July 26, 2019, 02:34:59 PM
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