News Parodies (for Purim and year-round)

[YitzyS]

Just making a roundup of @YitzyS parodies that appear on other threads of DDF.

[YitzyS]

BREAKING: Chicago Jew maintains non-Jewish slaves to man his bathroom

An allegedly Jewish Chicago man has admitted to utilizing slave labor to turn his sinks on on the Jewish holy day of Shabbos. The man, identified only by his handle of "CountValentine," has specified that he seeks out "goys," or non-Jews, for this labor.

"I have a goy waive (sic) his hand over it," the Chicago native wrote on a popular deals forum site, in response to a question of how to activate an electric water faucet on Shabbos.

Jews are forbidden to activate electric devices on their holy day, which begins Friday at sundown and culminates Saturday night.

"Who would've believed that in the 21st century, such behavior can take place," flaming community activist [insert name] spewed. "And the Jews want to know why there is Antisemitism in America?"

Staff of [media outlet] were not able to confirm the Jewish ethnicity of the perpetrator, but his frequenting of the predominantly Jewish deals forum site "Dan's Deals Forums" points to that conclusion.

[YitzyS]

BREAKING: "DansDeals" to be Renamed "DefundAirlines" After Founder Accused of Age Bias

Popular deals website DansDeals will be changing it name after a whistleblower revealed that the founder, who is also the site's namesake, engaged in age bias when he retaliated against his younger brother for a decades-old incident.

The claim, first reported as an anonymous comment on the website, alleged that Daniel Eleff, 35, engaged in age bias targeting his younger brother JJ, 29, when he cut the latter's pay while hiding behind an incident in which his younger brother allegedly confiscated his's Lego toys in the early 1990s.

The initial comment on the site alleged that an employee had his pay cut under the guise of COVID19, with a follow up comment claiming that the employee in question was JJ, and it was "Dan getting back at JJ for taking his lego when they were young."

US law allows younger brothers to confiscate toys, games, and books from an older sibling, and protects the younger sibling from any punitive retaliation. The law, introduced by Congresswoman AOC and signed by President Joe Biden, asserts that it is age discrimination to allow an older sibling unfair advantage over younger siblings, and thereby grants all play privileges to the younger sibling.

"This is a troubling charge," Ohio Attorney General Dave Yost wrote in a statement. "Our office is taking this very seriously and we are following all leads.

Some reports indicate that Daniel Eleff may also be charged with cyber bullying, as he has called his younger brother "my kid brother" in an online post, a term banned by the Anti-Bullying Commission of America.

Site administrators have not yet revealed the status of Eleff's future in the company, but they have been quick to pull his name from the site.

"Going forward, it would only seem sensible to call the site 'DefundAirlines,' which carries the positive connotation of taking the money away from powerful capitalist airlines," administrator @Something Fishy wrote in a statement.

Eleff has yet to comment on the allegations, and it is unclear at this time if has retained a lawyer.

[YitzyS]

BREAKING: SPIRIT EMPLOYEE GRANTS COURTESY

An employee of Spirit Airlines allegedly granted a request from a passenger, the Associated Press reported.

The unnamed passenger reportedly asked if they can be moved to an open exit row. In a move heralded by civil rights leaders as a once-in-a-lifetime milestone, the crew member granted the courtesy, allowing the passenger to have the empty seat and enjoy the accompanying extra leg-room.

"Since women got their right to vote, I don't think there has been any single act that has encapsulated the advent in human rights as much as this one," the ADL and the NAACP said in a joint statement.

The employee was immediately fired from his job, with the airline citing a violation of policy as the cause.

"We don't give anything for free," Spirit CEO Edward Christie told reporters. "This employee risked the reputation of our company for a senseless act. He should never have been hired."

[YitzyS]

Airline Execs Hold Emergency Meeting as Key Airline Blogger Turns to RVs

By Yitzy S.

Executives from at least five airlines participated in a hastily-organized meeting aimed at saving the bleeding industry as a leading airline blogging celebrity shares details of his RV-central vacation.

"Follow Me On An RV Trip Out West!" travel and deal blogger Daniel Eleff, who founded Dans Deals in 2008, wrote in the headline of a post on his site.

"4 DDF (DansDeals Forums) members have been driving an RV from NYC to San Francisco this week on a Photo [meeting] organized by [a member]," Eleff wrote in the post. Eleff's post created a stir in the travel world, and a thread was created on his forum site, forums.dansdeals.com, discussing the trip. The growing interest in RV travel, fueled by the open embracing of such trips by travel celebrities like Eleff, have driven airline bigwigs into a frenzy.

"Such rhetoric can be the death knell of a volatile industry," United Airlines CEO Scott Kirby reportedly said at the meeting, which took place via Zoom video conference. "We can pay for huge billboards with images of glistening airplanes, but all that will be meaningless when vacationers see pictures of the beauty of the Grand Canyon through the window of a motor home."

"Making the notion of RV vacations viable will only bring trouble to the airline industry," Kirby's counterpart at American Airlines, Doug Parker, allegedly added. "This, coming from Dan Eleff, is a most formidable threat."

Eleff's site has been ranked as the number 1 travel blog site by USA Today, and he has more than 88,000 followers on Twitter. The site's Facebook page has nearly 40,000 members as well.

Delta Airlines COE Ed Bastian, who seemingly also took part in the meeting, indicated that the group would seek sanctions against the blogging site.

"We all know that Congress is in our pockets," a voice sounding like Bastian's says, in an audio clip leaked to us. "How hard would it be to just shut the [expletive] down?!" the voice said, with notable aggression.

Spokespeople for the airlines we contacted refused to comment, and we are still waiting for a response from Dans Deals.

[YitzyS]

Forum Members Stage Coup as Site Founder Vacations

A group of forum members on a popular internet deals website have exploited the vacation of the site’s founder to stage a coup and take control of the website.

Daniel Eleff, the founder of travel and deals website DansDeals.com, was vacationing when longtime members of the site’s built-in forum took the reins and blocked the founder from accessing his site.

“Now that Dan is RVing and has really spotty internet service, is a great time to assert our rights,” one DDFer, as the forum members are called, wrote in a hidden thread on the site. “Dan’s hiatus proves more than ever that it is really his brother JJ who is carrying this site. It is clearly evident that Dan is just a celebrity silent partner and it’s JJ who really does all the work around here.”

A moderator was commissioned to bait the founder away from the site by presenting a unique vacation opportunity. Once away, forum members, with the help of site administrators, wiped Dan’s name off the site, and replaced it with a banner reading “JJ Deals”. Traffic to the site is now automatically rerouted to a new web address, JJDeals.com, and certain key loyalist accounts have been suspended. Sources allege that JJ, who is six years younger than Dan, has been secretly harvesting the rebellion for years.

While there have been various factions among forum members as to how to approach the change of leadership, moderators have been working overtime to bring over as many users as they can. Prominent users that have been offline have been coaxed back, in order to be able to give an air of validity to the new leader of the site. One such members, who goes by the username TimT, was even positively credited by JJ after having previously been accused of being a ‘Lying, Cheating, Scumbag, Good For Nothing, THIEF.'

It is still unclear if site founder Daniel Eleff is aware about the coup, or if he plans to take legal or military action to reclaim his site. Sources note that he has extensive battle experience though his use of Catan, and has a legal mind honed by his mentor Bill Watterson.

[username]

There is no apostrophe in Dansdeals.

[YitzyS]

There is no apostrophe in Dansdeals.

How many Dans are there?

[username]

How many Dans are there?

Too many. Ask Dan's lawyer. Or search the forums.

[AsherO]

Too many. Ask Dan's lawyer. Or search the forums.

אי לאו האי בלוג דקא גרים, כמה דאן איכא בשוקא...

[cholent]

@YitzyS you are a national treasure

[YitzyS]

@YitzyS you are a national treasure

I walk a fine line between that and being a world-class nuisance... 

[YitzyS]

https://forums.dansdeals.com/index.php?topic=19223.msg2409435#msg2409435

[YitzyS]

http://hefkervelt.blogspot.com/2021/02/purim-news-lakewood-5781.html

Some great stuff here!

[YitzyS]

There was a great piece by Shani Pruzansky in the Yated Magazine section. She put every contemporary issue into the Purim Story.

"We're working on impeaching Vashti"
"Isn't she dead?"
"Yeah, but so what."

"Just remember," Haman tells Mordechai as he leads the horse. "If anyone asks, this is a mostly peaceful protest."

"Lucky think my sense of smell is still iffy," Mordechai thought as the garbage came down from the window.

[Jellybelly]

Just making a roundup of @YitzyS parodies that appear on other threads of DDF.

Any new stuff this year @YitzyS or is your laptop too drunk?

[YitzyS]

Any new stuff this year @YitzyS or is your laptop too drunk?

Why you looking at *ce** 43* m*e*

[YitzyS]

[etech0]

https://matzav.com/24-bmg-yungeleit-move-to-england-after-mistakenly-buying-houses-in-the-wrong-manchester/

[justaregularguy]

https://matzav.com/24-bmg-yungeleit-move-to-england-after-mistakenly-buying-houses-in-the-wrong-manchester/

I don’t get it but it still sounds funny lol