Author Topic: Grief / Aveilus Discussion  (Read 1160 times)

Offline Yonah

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Grief / Aveilus Discussion
« on: April 03, 2020, 01:09:22 PM »
I am not sure if this the right forum to post this, or if it will be helpful, or if it's even just a rant.

A decade ago, my mother passed away after her fourth battle with cancer. 15 months later, my father passed as well from a heart issue. Right at the end of kaddish for my Mom, I was talking in shul to another Avel about my mom's pending unveiling. An older gentlemen in my shul, a survivor, overheard our conversation and said - "Ich ben M'Kaneh zein" - I'm jealous of you - at least you have a grave to visit!

Shiva, Shloshim, and Kaddish helped me through the process. It made me feel proactive in honoring my parents, and helping me heal. As an out-of-towner, minyan was sometimes a struggle, since my options were fewer (Mincha involved driving 20 minutes each way for a minyan). And yet, whatever my struggle, I seems like I was spoiled, that I took this opportunity for granted.

I have several friends who unfortunately had protracted shivas due to Yom Tov, (some not even lasting more than an hour), and some of them feel that they missed out on that part of the mourning process.

How many people out there are in middle of their year of aveilus, being denied the opportunity to say kaddish for a loved one? How many can't give proper levaya to their loved ones? How many aren't getting the benefit of sitting shiva? Some don't even have the last opportunity to say goodbye.

I am not a shrink, I am not educating in counselling in any way. I just want you all to know going through this that:
a) this is hard
b) hashem will help you get through this
c) I am open to talking whether you think it will help or not. (I will do my best to answer PMs if you want to do this privately).

I will leave you with one final thought: Years ago I spoke to a psychologist who was helping people with PTSD from Hurricane Katrina in New Orleans. He pointed out to me that in the text of the Mi-Sheberach, Refuas Hanefesh (healing of the soul) comes before Refuas Hagoof (healing of the body) - showing that Judaism understands and acknowledges that there is a mental and spiritual aspect to healing as well.

May all those who need a refuah, be granted a refuas hanefesh and refuas hagoof.

Offline Yonah

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Re: Grief / Aveilus Discussion
« Reply #1 on: April 05, 2020, 09:19:44 PM »
Just bumping. I'm glad that no one else replied, but still here to talk.

Online ckmk47

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Re: Grief / Aveilus Discussion
« Reply #2 on: April 06, 2020, 01:18:22 AM »
Years ago, when I lost my mother, I found comfort in putting money daily in a pushka, and I had my kids do the same.
"le'iloi nishmas XXX bas XXX".
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Online Yehuda57

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Re: Grief / Aveilus Discussion
« Reply #3 on: April 06, 2020, 01:21:11 AM »
Years ago, when I lost my mother, I found comfort in putting money daily in a pushka, and I had my kids do the same.
"le'iloi nishmas XXX bas XXX".
When my grandfather passed away, one of the people who came to shivah brought a pushka and gave her this exact suggestion. It brought her a lot of comfort.
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Offline Proisrael

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Re: Grief / Aveilus Discussion
« Reply #4 on: April 06, 2020, 02:16:14 AM »
I lost my son about 2 months ago. I have been terrified that I would not be able to say kaddish for him. BH living in Israel they didnt close minyanim outside until about a week ago. But because in Israel we live in Apartment buildings with Porches we finally arranged new minyanim every day on our porches. But the week (Sunday-Friday) that I didnt daven and say kaddish I felt absolutely horrible.

Offline Yammer

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Re: Grief / Aveilus Discussion
« Reply #5 on: April 06, 2020, 04:27:23 AM »
I lost my son about 2 months ago. I have been terrified that I would not be able to say kaddish for him. BH living in Israel they didnt close minyanim outside until about a week ago. But because in Israel we live in Apartment buildings with Porches we finally arranged new minyanim every day on our porches. But the week (Sunday-Friday) that I didnt daven and say kaddish I felt absolutely horrible.
המקום ינחם אתכם בתוך שאר אבלי ציון וירושלים

May Hashem give you the strength to cope with this tragedy. And may you only share in Simchas

Offline Proisrael

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Re: Grief / Aveilus Discussion
« Reply #6 on: April 06, 2020, 06:49:27 AM »
המקום ינחם אתכם בתוך שאר אבלי ציון וירושלים

May Hashem give you the strength to cope with this tragedy. And may you only share in Simchas

Amen thank you!

Offline Yonah

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Re: Grief / Aveilus Discussion
« Reply #7 on: April 06, 2020, 09:03:46 AM »
I lost my son about 2 months ago. I have been terrified that I would not be able to say kaddish for him. BH living in Israel they didnt close minyanim outside until about a week ago. But because in Israel we live in Apartment buildings with Porches we finally arranged new minyanim every day on our porches. But the week (Sunday-Friday) that I didnt daven and say kaddish I felt absolutely horrible.

I hope that hashem should grant you a nechama, but also the ability to continually honor your son's memory.

One person once suggested to me that when they are stuck and can't say kaddish, they try to learn a mishna. In part because Mishna is an anagram for neshama.


Offline Proisrael

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Re: Grief / Aveilus Discussion
« Reply #8 on: April 06, 2020, 09:12:53 AM »
I hope that hashem should grant you a nechama, but also the ability to continually honor your son's memory.

One person once suggested to me that when they are stuck and can't say kaddish, they try to learn a mishna. In part because Mishna is an anagram for neshama.

Yup...already doing that...