POLL: Wedding expenses in the frum Community - BH for simchos? or out of hand?

[Dan]

People who got married young love to say that older singles are picky.

Of course there are some that will be picky, but it's really really generally not true.

Most people I've spoken with admit to getting pickier the longer they date, as they realize what exactly they're looking for and the things that bother them.

The problem is that those things may not exist and/or may not be necessary for a happy marriage.

[grodnoking]

What's 100p, $100 per couple? The bar mitzvas in my family were about $6-7k for 40 couples, that includes the hall, caterer, waiters/kitchen staff plus tips, mashgiach fee, party planner, not over the top flowers, no paid music or photographer. I know in Lakewood it can be a little cheaper, but still not what we're talking about for $4500.

Bar mitzvahs in my family where also 80 people, but cost $3000.
$20pp for food (1600), 3-4 waiters (400), OMB (300), local shul hall (500), and mashkiach (150).

[mmgfarb]

Bar mitzvahs in my family where also 80 people, but costed $3000.
$20pp for food (1600), 3-4 waiters (400), OMB (300), local shul hall (500), and mashkiach (150).

*cost

[pbf]

Most people I've spoken with admit to getting pickier the longer they date, as they realize what exactly they're looking for and the things that bother them.

The problem is that those things may not exist and/or may not be necessary for a happy marriage.

You get to know yourself better, but I wouldn't say pickier.

[mmgfarb]

You get to know yourself better, but I wouldn't say pickier.

I think picker is the wrong idea, it's less compatible, not because of a fault in either person, just because each person is more set as an individual.

[Sam Finkelstein]

If you live a community where every single one of your son's high-school classmates had their own car and you can't afford one, then the problem isn't that you live in town, it's that you live in a community where the standard income is way higher than yours and you're the problem, not them. You can't blame people for living according to the standards which they can afford and is normal for their community. If you want to say that most of those people who bought their son a car for high school couldn't really afford it and you're the only one who stuck to his guns and didn't buy what you couldn't afford, then sure, I'll agree with you but something tells me that's not the case and even if it is in your community, I don't think that's the norm, even in town. If I'm wrong on that then we really are screwed and I give up now.

This is a conversation about kids feeling deprived vs. entitled. Many people can afford these but don’t want their kids to have them.

[mmgfarb]

This is a conversation about kids feeling deprived vs. entitled. Many people can afford these but don’t want their kids to have them.

You're not saying anything of substance, there's nothing for me to respond to.

[Dan]

You get to know yourself better, but I wouldn't say pickier.

I think picker is the wrong idea, it's less compatible, not because of a fault in either person, just because each person is more set as an individual.

Tomato, tomahto. As time goes by you are less likely to match up with someone. Perhaps picky is the wrong word, but the concept is right and that's why I don't think waiting is necessarily the right approach.

[mmgfarb]

Tomato, tomahto.

Yea basically, people just don't like when the word picky is used.

that's why I don't think waiting is necessarily the right approach.

I agree. What people are seemingly too stupid to understand is that this is not a one size fits all situation. Why do people assume that marriage is something that everyone is either ready for or not ready for at a certain age? To say it's wrong for anyone to get married at 19-20 is dumb, there are plenty of people that can and do make things work wonderfully. It's also totally ok for someone to not feel ready to get married until 25 or later. This push for "everyone" to do this or that is just being naive about how people mature and develop as adults.

[pbf]

Tomato, tomahto. As time goes by you are less likely to match up with someone. Perhaps picky is the wrong word, but the concept is right and that's why I don't think waiting is necessarily the right approach.

How encouraging

[Sam Finkelstein]

You're not saying anything of substance, there's nothing for me to respond to.

I don’t think you understood me. I can use an example that eschews financial considerations.

I’m against spectator sports, but if all my kids’ friends went and spoke about them all day at school etc, it would be extremely difficult to tell them no.

So returning to the discussion at hand, if all my kids’ friends are spoiled, it sets a certain standard of expectations for them as well.

[mmgfarb]

I don’t think you understood me. I can use an example that eschews financial considerations.

I’m against spectator sports, but if all my kids’ friends went and spoke about them all day at school etc, it would be extremely difficult to tell them no.

So returning to the discussion at hand, if all my kids’ friends are spoiled, it sets a certain standard of expectations for them as well.

Ok so don't live in Deal, happy now? You're bringing up a moot point. If you live in a community that has absolutely zero diversity in how people spend their money then yes, it's hard to not have your kids feel deprived if you don't buy them the same exact things that every single other person they know has. How many communities like that exist?

[Dan]

How encouraging

Lol, I'm not trying to discourage anyone C"V.
Just my take on the natural progression. My only advice would be to consider dating someone outside of your comfort zone or with habits you might not think are compatible.
Over time, those differences often become less noticeable or can become something positive.

[pbf]

Lol, I'm not trying to discourage anyone C"V.
Just my take on the natural progression. My only advice would be to consider dating someone outside of your comfort zone or with habits you might not think are compatible.
Over time, those differences often become less noticeable or can become something positive.

No worries.

Like I said - not picky over here.

I have dated many different types and don't have qualms about most things like family or background (or inches shorter than me).

I have had friends, who I know haven't gotten a date in a year, and will say no to even meeting a guy because he's from a heimish background or something ridiculous like that, so it definitely exists) I just like to think that it's not me, but I have my things too of course.

[Sam Finkelstein]

Ok so don't live in Deal, happy now? You're bringing up a moot point. If you live in a community that has absolutely zero diversity in how people spend their money then yes, it's hard to not have your kids feel deprived if you don't buy them the same exact things that every single other person they know has. How many communities like that exist?

It sounds like most yeshivish communities operate with certain standards.

[mmgfarb]

It sounds like most yeshivish communities operate with certain standards.

So you don't actually know anything about it and you're basing your opinion on what it "sounds" like. K, thanks for clarifying.

[Sam Finkelstein]

So you don't actually know anything about it and you're basing your opinion on what it "sounds" like. K, thanks for clarifying.

I can only speak for my yeshivish community, which is why I used the word “sounds” about the others. And I know what’s going on.

[Dan]

As long as we're on the topic, one of my biggest pet peeves was being dumped after one date.

First girl I dated, I flew out to LA, had a one date, she wasn't interested in dating again.

As a 23 year old introvert with 5 brothers, making small talk with a girl on a first date, let alone connecting with her, was hardly going to be an area I excelled at.

I was angry at a system like that, it seemed so senseless over a date where research had been done, money had been spent, and didn't go horribly bad.

My wife was the 8th girl I dated, and by then I had some idea what I was doing, though I was the first person she dated. I learned much later that she wouldn't have gone out on a 2nd date had I not flown to KC. But we dated for 2 weeks after that, got engaged, and the rest is history.

Point being, have patience, even if it's not the best date at first

Anyway, perhaps this should be a separate thread...

[mmgfarb]

I can only speak for my yeshivish community, which is why I used the word “sounds” about the others. And I know what’s going on.

So what's your point? It's impossible to raise kids without a feeling of entitlement because the community has a really high standard that you just must adhere to?

[Sam Finkelstein]

So what's your point? It's impossible to raise kids without a feeling of entitlement because the community has a really high standard that you just must adhere to?

Impossible is a strong word, but yes, it makes it hard. And you run the risk of kids who feel deprived.