POLL: Wedding expenses in the frum Community - BH for simchos? or out of hand?

[shaulyaakov]

My wife got her dress on Allie Express for $99 and paid a few hundred to have it tailored. I paid more for my tux (I thought I'd need one at some point anyway. Haven't worn it again in 4 years.)

[Dan]

My wife got her dress on Allie Express for $99 and paid a few hundred to have it tailored. I paid more for my tux (I thought I'd need one at some point anyway. Haven't worn it again in 4 years.)

Tux? I didn't even wear a suit for my wedding
Granted a custom kapota cost more, though I also used it every week

[JMHO]

-1 people forget very quickly. As soon as life goes back to normal , even if it takes a yr or 2, people will ( unfortunately) go back to doing the same chasunas.
Same with Pesach hotels, people here think that industry is over, I think that’s laughable. Too big of a a need ( real for some, imagined for most)  for so many people, and too much money to be made...

Unfortunately you may be right 

[aygart]

After I shidduch dated some girls from NY/LA I asked my parents to focus on smaller communities. The cultural differences and their unwillingness to move no matter the circumstance were too much for me.

My KC raised wife wore a gown from a gmach and our wedding had a one man band+singer and no shmorg. The L'chaim in CH was $1,000. Our furniture came from garage sales and Ikea. And the rent including utilities for our 2BR/2BA apt was $800.
And we survived to tell the tale!

The lchaim for my daughter cost the price of the shnaps and that is about it.

[Denverite]

The lchaim for my daughter cost the price of the shnaps and that is about it.

Just curious, did you discuss this type of thing with your mechutanim (or even the shadchan) before dating/engagement or did both sides kind of have the same assumptions and expectations?

[shwarmabob]

Tux? I didn't even wear a suit for my wedding
Granted a custom kapota cost more, though I also used it every week

The question is does it still fit you?? 

[Dan]

The question is does it still fit you?? 

Lol, not a chance.
I put on 10 pounds for each pregnancy, but unlike my wife, I don't lose them 

[Yehudaa]

-1 people forget very quickly. As soon as life goes back to normal , even if it takes a yr or 2, people will ( unfortunately) go back to doing the same chasunas.

+1. R' Aaron Lopiansky said it perfectly:

[aygart]

Just curious, did you discuss this type of thing with your mechutanim (or even the shadchan) before dating/engagement or did both sides kind of have the same assumptions and expectations?

It was not discussed at all, but part of our research was that it be a family without major expectations. That would not have worked for my daughter.

Both of us basically told each other that we are not telling any expectations and they should do what they are comfortable with.

[David61]

-1 people forget very quickly. As soon as life goes back to normal , even if it takes a yr or 2, people will ( unfortunately) go back to doing the same chasunas.

Nasi & Recnitz's initiative along with other efforts have largely eliminated the "stigma" of an age gap between chosson and kallah. (~10 years ago it was very unusual in litvish-yeshiva circles for a boy to date a girl that was not several years younger than him).

Success/failure depends on communal effort and by askanim to help. ~1000 signatures is an impressive start. 100 rabbonim publicly joining would certainly help the cause.

[Thingywingy]

Nasi & Recnitz's initiative along with other efforts have largely eliminated the "stigma" of an age gap between chosson and kallah. (~10 years ago it was very unusual in litvish-yeshiva circles for a boy to date a girl that was not several years younger than him).

Success/failure depends on communal effort and by askanim to help. ~1000 signatures is an impressive start. 100 rabbonim publicly joining would certainly help the cause.

I'm conflicted about this. The Agudah initiative a number of years ago was backed by a bunch of Rabbonim and didn't get far. I think the potential for this to be effective may be precisely because it is not an attempt to impose rules on the klal–rather an organic movement by people to to respond to negative externalities of extravagent celebrations. People don't like being told what to do.

[Iz]

People don't like being told what to do.

Rabbonim endorsing an organic movement is different.

[David61]

I'm conflicted about this. The Agudah initiative a number of years ago was backed by a bunch of Rabbonim and didn't get far. I think the potential for this to be effective may be precisely because it is not an attempt to impose rules on the klal–rather an organic movement by people to to respond to negative externalities of extravagent celebrations. People don't like being told what to do.

+1.  Good point. I agree.

I was thinking about them joining the list as in setting an example not cramming it down as a directive.

[aygart]

I'm conflicted about this. The Agudah initiative a number of years ago was backed by a bunch of Rabbonim and didn't get far. I think the potential for this to be effective may be precisely because it is not an attempt to impose rules on the klal–rather an organic movement by people to to respond to negative externalities of extravagent celebrations. People don't like being told what to do.

I think it worked very well. Many whip can't afford larger hang their hats in those takanos

[David61]

I think it worked very well. Many whip can't afford larger hang their hats in those takanos

Perhaps to some extent. Attached are the simcha guidelines from 2003. (Skipping vorts completely is pretty rare).

Below are some interesting articles covering those guidelines from that era including in the NY times!

https://agudah.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/08/JO2002-V35-N06.pdf  page 10 article by Prof. Aaron Twerski
https://agudah.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/08/JO2006-V39-N041.pdf page 43 article by R Aryeh Zev Ginzberg
https://www.nytimes.com/2002/05/25/us/religion-journal-a-big-wedding-with-a-smaller-bill.html

[aygart]

Perhaps to some extent. Attached are the simcha guidelines from 2003. (Skipping vorts completely is pretty rare).

Below are some interesting articles covering those guidelines from that era including in the NY times!

https://agudah.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/08/JO2002-V35-N06.pdf  page 10 article by Prof. Aaron Twerski
https://agudah.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/08/JO2006-V39-N041.pdf page 43 article by R Aryeh Zev Ginzberg
https://www.nytimes.com/2002/05/25/us/religion-journal-a-big-wedding-with-a-smaller-bill.html

Other than the vorts, these rules are the standard in Lakewood.

[shaulyaakov]

Perhaps to some extent. Attached are the simcha guidelines from 2003. (Skipping vorts completely is pretty rare).

Below are some interesting articles covering those guidelines from that era including in the NY times!

https://agudah.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/08/JO2002-V35-N06.pdf  page 10 article by Prof. Aaron Twerski
https://agudah.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/08/JO2006-V39-N041.pdf page 43 article by R Aryeh Zev Ginzberg
https://www.nytimes.com/2002/05/25/us/religion-journal-a-big-wedding-with-a-smaller-bill.html

These rules seem so arbitrary.

Who decided 5 was the right size of the band and not 4? Why 400 and not 300? What if the chasson and Kallah are each the youngest with many married siblings who each take up more seats?

[yesitsme]

These rules seem so arbitrary.

Who decided 5 was the right size of the band and not 4? Why 400 and not 300? What if the chasson and Kallah are each the youngest with many married siblings who each take up more seats?

you're reminding me from kollel
they would give shmiras hazmanim for those that showed up before 9:59:59
there where those that complained I lose shmiras hazmanim in one second? it doesn't make sense
rosh hakollel said the original start time was 9:45 and there were those that complained that you need a couple minutes to settle, so he agreed on 10:00, how much longer do you want me to push it there gotta be that second that makes the difference

[shaulyaakov]

you're reminding me from kollel
they would give shmiras hazmanim for those that showed up before 9:59:59
there where those that complained I lose shmiras hazmanim in one second? it doesn't make sense
rosh hakollel said the original start time was 9:45 and there were those that complained that you need a couple minutes to settle, so he agreed on 10:00, how much longer do you want me to push it there gotta be that second that makes the difference

I guess my point is this 400 plate - hot shmorg - 4 course dinner - 5 piece band wedding with flowers is still 25k+ all in once you add photo, invitations, schnapps for the tisch etc.

[yitzgar]

Did he get bad press for anything other than his crusade against credit cards for points etc?

His crusade against credit cards, is basically the same as the crusade against socially distanced minyanim.....it's clear that in most situations, people can't control themselves, so we need a lo plug.