Poll

Has the whole stay-at-home situation affected your shalom bayis

Negatively?
8 (9.4%)
Positively?
39 (45.9%)
Status quo
26 (30.6%)
Too early to tell
12 (14.1%)

Total Members Voted: 85

Author Topic: Covid-19 and Shalom Bayis  (Read 15306 times)

Offline kosherjid

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Re: Covid-19 and Shalom Bayis
« Reply #20 on: April 27, 2020, 12:27:07 PM »
Keep in mind that this isnt only staying home all day. Its much harder when you take into account the stress factor especially for freshly married couples.

https://www.torahanytime.com/#/lectures?v=109149     what to do when husband and wife have nothing to talk about

https://www.torahanytime.com/#/lectures?v=109178     המצב כהיום שאנו כלו בבית יש לעבוד על עצמו שהסעל-פאן לא יהי עמו ממש כל היום

Offline AsherO

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Re: Covid-19 and Shalom Bayis
« Reply #21 on: April 27, 2020, 12:32:48 PM »
https://www.torahanytime.com/#/lectures?v=109149     what to do when husband and wife have nothing to talk about

https://www.torahanytime.com/#/lectures?v=109178     המצב כהיום שאנו כלו בבית יש לעבוד על עצמו שהסעל-פאן לא יהי עמו ממש כל היום

As if humans are a machine where you can use if-this-then-that solutions to fix every issue.

Psychology and the human condition is much more nuanced.
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Offline EliJelly

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Re: Covid-19 and Shalom Bayis
« Reply #22 on: April 27, 2020, 12:58:15 PM »
Wow...if only any part of this was true in the circles you come from... :-X :-X :-X
Very Frum people who have minimal exposure to the opposite gender outside of immediate family might have a hard time suddenly confined 24/7 with a virtual stranger of the opposite gender. Not being able to have breaks/normal life/space to process that is a major/pivotal adjustment. Keep in mind that in those same circles marriages are arranged and “love” isn’t their primary motivator. It’s a continuum and the same is true on a milder scale for mainstream Frum people.

Offline Mf1

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Re: Covid-19 and Shalom Bayis
« Reply #23 on: April 27, 2020, 01:20:36 PM »
https://www.adaiad.org/taub-husbands-corona

thought some might be intrested in this

Rabbi taub disccusing Shalom Bayis and corona for men

Offline Luvisrael

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Re: Covid-19 and Shalom Bayis
« Reply #24 on: April 27, 2020, 01:40:22 PM »
If by being a little more together its causing them difficulties to start life together then maybe they should reconsider who they are marrying.

If you really love your wife and are excited to get married then whats the problem?
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Infatuation

Offline Dan

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Re: Covid-19 and Shalom Bayis
« Reply #25 on: April 27, 2020, 01:43:21 PM »
If you really love your wife and are excited to get married then whats the problem?
What percentage of shidduch daters really love their wife before they get married?
Love is something that grows with time.
Save your time, I don't answer PM. Post it in the forum and a dedicated DDF'er will get back to you as soon as possible.

Offline iAm

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Re: Covid-19 and Shalom Bayis
« Reply #26 on: April 27, 2020, 01:50:26 PM »
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Infatuation

I never really understood this perpetuated belief. Do people really believe that couples that date for months-years, are getting married because they're infatuated, vs a couple thats spent minimal time co-mingling socially in their life, and are married after <10 dates?
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Offline herb

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Re: Covid-19 and Shalom Bayis
« Reply #27 on: April 27, 2020, 01:59:46 PM »
Frum people who have minimal exposure to the opposite gender outside of immediate family might have a hard time suddenly confined 24/7 with a virtual stranger of the opposite gender. Not being able to have breaks/normal life/space to process that is a major/pivotal adjustment. Keep in mind that in those same circles marriages are arranged and “love” isn’t their primary motivator. It’s a continuum and the same is true on a milder scale for mainstream Frum people.
What percentage of shidduch daters really love their wife before they get married?
Love is something that grows with time.
+1000

Offline ilherman

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Re: Covid-19 and Shalom Bayis
« Reply #28 on: April 27, 2020, 02:21:21 PM »
Wow...if only any part of this was true in the circles you come from... :-X :-X :-X
Where I am now or where I come from?

 ;)
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Offline ilherman

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Re: Covid-19 and Shalom Bayis
« Reply #29 on: April 27, 2020, 02:24:39 PM »
What percentage of shidduch daters really love their wife before they get married?
Love is something that grows with time.
Of course real love comes with time.

But to push off weddings because the couple would derail because of corona (im not talking about the money stress that it can cause) by having to deal with a current situation and being together a little more does not sound right IMO.
You can say what you think when you think what you say.

Offline Lurker

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Re: Covid-19 and Shalom Bayis
« Reply #30 on: April 27, 2020, 02:34:02 PM »
I can think of a few good reasons to push off marriage...
1. Learning to live with someone new is hard. There are a lot of habits to get used to. When the couple is working or in kollel, there's a buffer, some alone time, that allows for the adjustments to take place without being "in your face" 24/7.
2. Halachically, difficulties of dealing with niddah. That's always interesting to navigate in any new marriage, let alone one where you're stuck in the same house together with little to no breaks.
3. Financially. Lots of people out of work, or families not in as good of a position to help the new couple as they otherwise would be. Setting up a new house and putting all those stresses on a new couple can doom them before their marriage has a chance.
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Re: Covid-19 and Shalom Bayis
« Reply #31 on: April 27, 2020, 02:41:11 PM »
I can think of a few good reasons to push off marriage...
1. Learning to live with someone new is hard. There are a lot of habits to get used to. When the couple is working or in kollel, there's a buffer, some alone time, that allows for the adjustments to take place without being "in your face" 24/7.
2. Halachically, difficulties of dealing with niddah. That's always interesting to navigate in any new marriage, let alone one where you're stuck in the same house together with little to no breaks.
3. Financially. Lots of people out of work, or families not in as good of a position to help the new couple as they otherwise would be. Setting up a new house and putting all those stresses on a new couple can doom them before their marriage has a chance.
For Kollel couples there is also this that the husband may not be able to be as into his learnig remotely as he otherwise would be.
Feelings don't care about your facts

Offline ilherman

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Re: Covid-19 and Shalom Bayis
« Reply #32 on: April 27, 2020, 02:44:30 PM »
I can think of a few good reasons to push off marriage...
1. Learning to live with someone new is hard. There are a lot of habits to get used to. When the couple is working or in kollel, there's a buffer, some alone time, that allows for the adjustments to take place without being "in your face" 24/7.
2. Halachically, difficulties of dealing with niddah. That's always interesting to navigate in any new marriage, let alone one where you're stuck in the same house together with little to no breaks.
3. Financially. Lots of people out of work, or families not in as good of a position to help the new couple as they otherwise would be. Setting up a new house and putting all those stresses on a new couple can doom them before their marriage has a chance.
Do you know that pushing off a wedding is the last resort al pi kabalah?

Again, if there is a real reason then you gotta ask a real rav, but for challenges like these?  I don't see it this way. I see it as challenges that will help you get used to real life a little quicker...
You can say what you think when you think what you say.

Offline Lurker

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Re: Covid-19 and Shalom Bayis
« Reply #33 on: April 27, 2020, 02:48:00 PM »
Do you know that pushing off a wedding is the last resort al pi kabalah?

Again, if there is a real reason then you gotta ask a real rav, but for challenges like these?  I don't see it this way. I see it as challenges that will help you get used to real life a little quicker...

...or they destroy 2 people who get divorced and may or may not ever get married again. Roll the dice?
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Re: Covid-19 and Shalom Bayis
« Reply #34 on: April 27, 2020, 02:57:45 PM »
Do these rabbonim know that pushing off a wedding is the last resort al pi kabalah?

Again, if there is a real reason then you gotta ask a real rav, but for challenges like these just make your own decisions because, hey, kabbalah!  I don't see it this way. I see it as challenges that will help you get used to real life a little quicker...
FTFY

Feelings don't care about your facts

Offline ilherman

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Re: Covid-19 and Shalom Bayis
« Reply #35 on: April 27, 2020, 03:09:43 PM »
...or they destroy 2 people who get divorced and may or may not ever get married again. Roll the dice?
Again, the way I see it is that if due to the reasons you posted there is a real chance that this couple will get divorced then they should not get married in the first place.  Al  things you posted have nothing to do with love. You do not have to be in love yet to bypass these challenges. You just have to match.  And again, as I said marriage always comes with challenges, I dont think that these challenges are that complicated to complicate a new marriage.

You can even look at it as ideas to keep the couple busy and creative after they got married.

 1. Learning to live with someone new is hard. There are a lot of habits to get used to. When the couple is working or in kollel, there's a buffer, some alone time, that allows for the adjustments to take place without being "in your face" 24/7.

Arrange a Minyen in your backyard so you can give your wife her piece of mind when you are busy with that and davening outside. You go out to the grocery. People are more locked in these days but everyone finds reasons to go and come.

2. Halachically, difficulties of dealing with niddah. That's always interesting to navigate in any new marriage, let alone one where you're stuck in the same house together with little to no breaks.

Trying to find a Dayen that will see you these days ..time consuming.. Thats what you want, right? I believe all Mikvahs are open with proper precautions all young ladies figure it out.  Again, these things take longer to accomplish but who cares, there is nothing to do anyway. Right?

3. Financially. Lots of people out of work, or families not in as good of a position to help the new couple as they otherwise would be. Setting up a new house and putting all those stresses on a new couple can doom them before their marriage has a chance.

Agreed here. If its not financially possible should disscus with a cometent rav on case by case basis.

You can say what you think when you think what you say.

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Re: Covid-19 and Shalom Bayis
« Reply #36 on: April 27, 2020, 03:13:41 PM »
Quote
should discuss with a competent rav on case by case basis
Why not use this to answer all the questions?
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Re: Covid-19 and Shalom Bayis
« Reply #37 on: April 27, 2020, 03:15:12 PM »
Why not use this to answer all the questions?

Because the Rabbonim already suggested maybe pushing off the wedding and Kabbalah didn't agree.
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Offline ilherman

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Re: Covid-19 and Shalom Bayis
« Reply #38 on: April 27, 2020, 03:21:24 PM »
Why not use this to answer all the questions?
I did not see a single rav suggesting to push off. By default most rabanim I know say to not push off.
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Re: Covid-19 and Shalom Bayis
« Reply #39 on: April 27, 2020, 03:24:21 PM »
How do you know if people were planning to schedule weddings and pushed them off for now?

I would think these answers are case-by-case and wouldn't necessarily be publicized.
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