Jokes Master Thread

[HudZ]

If money doesn't grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?

[HudZ]

I'll never forget the look on the cashier's face, when she scanned the packet of bird seed and I asked her how long it takes for the birds to grow once I plant them.

[aygart]

I'll never forget the look on the cashier's face, when she scanned the packet of bird seed and I asked her how long it takes for the birds to grow once I plant them.

“I'll never forget walking down one of the aisles (of the grocery store) and seeing powdered milk; just add water and you get milk. Right next to it was powdered orange juice; just add water and you get orange juice. Then I saw baby powder, and I thought to myself, What a country!”
― Yakov Smirnoff

[YitzyS]

“I'll never forget walking down one of the aisles (of the grocery store) and seeing powdered milk; just add water and you get milk. Right next to it was powdered orange juice; just add water and you get orange juice. Then I saw baby powder, and I thought to myself, What a country!”
― Yakov Smirnoff

There is a darker version of that joke...

"Walking down the aisle and saw protein powder - it's ground protein. Then I saw oat powder - it's chopped up oats. Then I saw baby powder..."

[HudZ]

This reminds me of the guy who walked into a convenience shop and asked for a bottle of mouthwash. The worker hands him the bottle, and then the customer proceeds to ask, do you have a straw?

[HudZ]

So I was at Walmart earlier
A lady was looking at frozen turkeys, but she couldn't find one big enough.
She asked the stock boy, "do these turkeys get any bigger?"
He replied with a straight face, "No ma'am, they're dead."
Made my week.

[HudZ]

My friend told me I was singing off tune. I told him, NO, it's a remix!

[Dawie]

During her flight between London and Tel Aviv 70 year old Leah gets terribly angry

This is because the kosher meal she ordered when she first booked her flight was not on the plane

And since she is not one to meddle with Leah complains to a stewardess

She finally asks to see the captain

Sitting on the other side of the aisle to Leah is Naomi Gold

When she hears of Leah's problem she leans over to Leah and says:

"I hope you don't mind me saying this

But I think it's a bit unfair of you to blame the airline for not having any kosher food on board today"

"Oh really? Why do you say that?" asks Leah

"Because today is Yom Kippur" replies Naomi

[Sam 77]

During her flight between London and Tel Aviv 70 year old Leah gets terribly angry

This is because the kosher meal she ordered when she first booked her flight was not on the plane

And since she is not one to meddle with Leah complains to a stewardess

She finally asks to see the captain

Sitting on the other side of the aisle to Leah is Naomi Gold

When she hears of Leah's problem she leans over to Leah and says:

"I hope you don't mind me saying this

But I think it's a bit unfair of you to blame the airline for not having any kosher food on board today"

"Oh really? Why do you say that?" asks Leah

"Because today is Yom Kippur" replies Naomi

Would be a funny joke if Ben-Gurion was open on Yom Kippur

[Dawie]

Would be a funny joke if Ben-Gurion was open on Yom Kippur

landing after YK

dissecting the frog thread?

[HudZ]

landing after YK

dissecting the frog thread?

The whole joke NEEDS dissecting. I really don't get it.

[aygart]

I asked someone selling lulavim what makes a certain group of them labeled as brisker he answered me because they are closed this zman

[Something Fishy]

Reminds me of the bochur who came to Novaradok. He spent his whole first day walking up and down the aisle in the beis medrash mumbling to himself over and over,
"איך בין א גארניט. איך בין א גארניט. איך בין א גארניט."

One of the old-timer bocherim looks at his friend and goes
"!ער איז דא איין טאג, אין שוין איז ער א גארניט"

[UKinNYS]

Jorge to Fat Jose; why da bread you eat like da sun? It rises in da y'east and sets in da waist!

[HudZ]

Two antennas decided to get married, the ceremony was pretty boring, but the reception was great!

[lover of truth]

not sure if was posted earlier:
a chassan asked a mekubal what the inyan oif breaking a glass under chupa is. the mekubal answered that it makes the שדים go away
the chasan stomped then turned around but his shvigger was still there...
then he stomped more foircefully but his wife was still there..

[ckmk47]

I haven't seen a man beat a woman this badly since the Paris Olympics.

[TravelMoshe]

There's this guy sitting on the beach in California. He says, "God, I've been good my whole life, please grant me my wish." Suddenly he hears a booming voice say, "Ok, what do you want?" He replies, "please build me a bridge from here to Hawaii so I can just drive over there whenever I want." The booming voice answers, "that's very materialistic. This would be a massive undertaking. Are you sure it's worth to earn so much of your rewards for such a materialistic idea?" The man replies, "ok, fine. Instead, let me understand women. Why they always cry? Why they give the silent treatment? etc." There was a long pause and then the Voice says, "you want 2 lanes or 4 lanes on that bridge?!"