Jokes Master Thread

[Something Fishy]

What is as big as a house, makes a noise you can hear 2 miles away, uses 100 gallons of fuel an hour, puts out enough smoke to turn the sky black, and cuts an apple into 3 pieces?













A Soviet machine designed to cut an apple into 4 pieces.



(Shamelessly stolen from the excellent Chernobyl series.)

[jye]

A thin scrawny meshulach has an idea to fly on the cheap. He manages to squeeze into a carry on and has his buddy heave the bulging carry on into the baggage compartment. After landing the guy shleps the luggage out of the compartment and into the terminal where the meshulach is eased out of the luggage.
 “How did it go?”, asked the first guy.
“Great but I’m completely exhausted”.
“Didn’t you sleep at all on the flight?”
“I tried to but the luggage next to me was snoring the entire time”.

[username]

A Soviet machine designed to cut an apple into 4 pieces.



(Shamelessly stolen from the excellent Chernobyl series.)

Why is this a joke? My brother bought a digital clock in Russia, that when setting the minutes, it went past 59, all the way to 99!

[YitzyS]

Kid: Give me more milk.

Dad: You forgot to say the magic word before you ask for something.

Kid: Alexa, give me more milk.

[Dan]

Sukkos jokes for a speech?

[Yo ssi]

Sukkos jokes for a speech?

[YitzyS]

*WHEN A FLY FALLS INTO A CUP OF COFFEE . . .*
 
*The Italian –* throws the cup, breaks it, and walks away in a fit of rage.
 
*The German –* carefully washes the cup, sterilizes it and makes a new cup of coffee.
 
*The Frenchman –* takes out the fly, and drinks the coffee.
 
*The Chinese –* eats the fly and throws away the coffee.
 
*The Russian –* Drinks the coffee with the fly, since it was extra with no charge.
 
*The Israeli –* sells the coffee to the Frenchman, sells the fly to the Chinese, sells the cup to the Italian, drinks a cup of tea, and uses the extra money to invent a device that prevents flies from falling into coffee.
 
*The Palestinian –* blames the Israeli for the fly falling into his coffee, protests the act of aggression to the UN, takes a loan from the European Union to buy a new cup of coffee, uses the money to purchase explosives and then blows up the coffee house where the Italian, the Frenchman, the Chinese, the German and the Russian are all trying to explain to the Israeli that he should give away his cup of coffee to the Palestinian so there will be peace.

[mevinyavin]

*The Jew -* takes out the fly and drinks the coffee. (Haman 21:63, as quoted by The Purim Story referring to wine)
*The Pharaoh -* Imprisons the one who serves him the cup for a while. (See Genesis 40 for a similar case.)
*The Shlemiel -* Is so startled when he sees the fly that he spills the coffee on the shlemazel. The nudnik wants to know what type of fly it is.

[yawn]

*WHEN A FLY FALLS INTO A CUP OF COFFEE . . .*
 
*The Italian –* throws the cup, breaks it, and walks away in a fit of rage.
 
*The German –* carefully washes the cup, sterilizes it and makes a new cup of coffee.
 
*The Frenchman –* takes out the fly, and drinks the coffee.
 
*The Chinese –* eats the fly and throws away the coffee.
 
*The Russian –* Drinks the coffee with the fly, since it was extra with no charge.
 
*The Israeli –* sells the coffee to the Frenchman, sells the fly to the Chinese, sells the cup to the Italian, drinks a cup of tea, and uses the extra money to invent a device that prevents flies from falling into coffee.
 
*The Palestinian –* blames the Israeli for the fly falling into his coffee, protests the act of aggression to the UN, takes a loan from the European Union to buy a new cup of coffee, uses the money to purchase explosives and then blows up the coffee house where the Italian, the Frenchman, the Chinese, the German and the Russian are all trying to explain to the Israeli that he should give away his cup of coffee to the Palestinian so there will be peace.

The Lakewooder -* takes out ads in the local paper proclaiming that coffee is infested with bugs. (Disclaimer: this is not an attack on lakewood. Just the most likely place for the person i’m caricaturing to reside.)

[mevinyavin]

[Something Fishy]

What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?

One less drunk.

[justaregularguy]

What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?

One less drunk.

why can’t a person be dead drunk?

[Ver hut gazugt]

1980. The Olympics in Moscow. Otherwise empty shelves in the shops are well stocked for once so that foreign tourists do not think that the Soviets have nothing to eat.

But of course, the locals know that this will be over soon. Just when the Olympics are over. So they take every opportunity to stock their kitchen cupboards and refrigerators and they stand in the enormous lines for the food. To top it off, a large poster is hung: "Caviar for sale!" Like, look, we even have caviar.

At 5 o'clock in the morning, before the supermarket has even opened, there is a huge queue of people. So that when the store opens, they can reach the area faster.

The manager steps forward and says to the line of customers:

"Comrades, unfortunately the supply of caviar is limited and not enough for everyone. I ask all Jews to go home."

The Jews leave the line. The rest remains standing.

In a few hours the manager comes back and says:

"There is not enough caviar for everyone. So only members of the Communist party are allowed to stay."

Nothing you can do about it, everyone understands. They're going home.

A few more hours later the manager walks out again and says:

"Sorry, there is not enough caviar for everyone. I only ask the veterans of the Second World War to stay, the rest can go home."

He also sends the veterans home at closing time. And only the veterans of the Civil War 1918–1922 may be helped. And yet there is a very old man who keeps waiting. The manager accompanies him inside, gives him a glass of vodka and says: "Grandpa, sorry, you know which country we live in. I don't have to explain it to you, you are old enough. There is no caviar and never has been." "Yes, I understand and I don't blame you. I just have a question: WHY WERE JEWS ALLOWED TO GO HOME FIRST?!"

[smurf]

What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?

One less drunk.

Version I heard was about a sheva brachos and funeral

one less speach

[Ver hut gazugt]

posting here as I think this is proper thread.

Overheard: “My husband is a malach. He is only capable of doing one task and then he’s done.”

Click the quote to like his post.

[gutlib]

After the October 7th attack, Ismael Hanya, the leader of Hamas, decided to play a prank on the prideful and formidable leader, Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu. He sent a meticulously wrapped gift: a piece of cowhide, accompanied by a cheeky note implying, 'To the one who believes he is strong and powerful, we've caught you off guard.'
Not one to be outdone, Prime Minister Netanyahu responded with wit and Israeli ingenuity. He dispatched a state-of-the-art, cutting-edge piece of technology, a highly sophisticated chip, with a letter attached stating, 'A true leader presents the best of what their nation can offer.' 😂