I've been trying to wrap my brain around these events for the past few days.
I am generally not a very emotional person and tragic events do not usually affect me this way. Although this did not affect me personally, I am completely broken up about it.
I have cried more in the past few days than I have in the past several years.
Is it because it hits so close to home? I've been to Meron multiple times. We've all been there. We all have family that have gone or go on Lag B'Omer.
Is it because there is no one to blame? There is no terrorist to pour our wrath at, no drunk driver to arrest and judge.
Is it the gruesome manner of death? The thought of mothers knowing that their young sons were literally crushed and/or suffocated to death is too much to bear.
Knowing that people I know and care about were minutes away from disaster. A friend was there with his young son.
A family member there with 2 friends. They asked him to join them at the Toldos Aaron fire, but he was tired and declined. They high fived each other and went their separate ways. Mere minutes later, both of his friends are gone.
The thought that each victim had surrounding people pressed up to them that heard or felt them take their last breath. That perhaps felt that they were the one that crushed someone to death. That heard the gasping last breaths of their brothers, perhaps people that they knew closely. How can one ever move on from that?
I've watched every video, read every report, and still have no answers. I am no closer to understanding how this could happen.
As someone who has worked on their emunah for the past few years, I thought it was strong. I was wrong.
I have so many questions. Why? Why would Hashem make this happen? After such a long and terrible year, people were finally gathering. For a good and holy reason! And to result in such a gruesome and horrible tragedy is unfathomable.
Why?? Every person that died looks like they were a special soul. How could this be?
I am scared. The fact that Hashem is still so angry at us, after the punishment that we as a nation, as a world, have received the past year, we are still deserving of a message of this magnitude terrifies me.
I don't think it is within our human and limited capacity to comprehend this. To process this. Any attempt to gain clarity will fail. There is no answer in this world.
There is nothing to do but move on. Attempt to better ourselves, comfort ourselves and move on.