Author Topic: Dating in the jewish world while disabled  (Read 16364 times)

Offline Sport

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Re: Dating in the jewish world while disabled
« Reply #140 on: February 14, 2018, 07:47:04 PM »
The drama, the angst, the instability etc. And on an unrelated note, I can't fathom going through highschool/teenage years having to deal with all that.
At least here there is a process we follow and we know it's headed somewhere. There's no pointless dating for years on end.
Why is that the only alternative to shidduch dating? It seems like you and others here view shidduch dating as the way to avoid casual mingling between boys and girls. There can be a middle ground, where men and women who are ready for marriage can date, with intentions of finding thier sole mate, without using a matchmaker. 

Offline Sport

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Re: Dating in the jewish world while disabled
« Reply #141 on: February 14, 2018, 07:50:47 PM »
Look at the divorce rate in the Catholic community 50 years ago and what it is today. Did the dating process change much? I would say no. So why a higher divorce rate?
It has little to do with the dating process, more to do with the expectations. Although the way in which one dates can have a big impact- if the standard is to date someone for a few years, and live with them for sometime before getting married, it is very likely that the expectation will be to marry some one who is the perfect match for you which is highly unrealistic.

Offline cholent

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Re: Dating in the jewish world while disabled
« Reply #142 on: February 14, 2018, 07:51:08 PM »
Totally true and then you also add totally unrealistic expectations of life perpetuated by feminism.  The majority of divorces today in the US are actually initiated by women.
Because men are usually the problem?
Don't ask stupid questions and you won't get stupid answers

Offline pbf

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Re: Dating in the jewish world while disabled
« Reply #143 on: February 14, 2018, 08:25:28 PM »
No, it just means I choose to enjoy life. But I realize that its foolish to argue any point here. No one has taken me seriously, regardless of any argument on the tone, nature, layout and presentation of my discussion.

You guys keep mixing apples and oranges discussing the shidduch situation for healthy singles while the article I posted was in reference to disabled people.

My point was and is, i'm not going to be treated like a circus freak having to discuss every nuanced aspect of my life and health etc in terms of dating, so I dont. I am not bitter, you do a gross miscarriage to imply this, you dont know me. dont foist your opinions of me onto me

I am bitter at the way disabled singles are treated, but I dont really care for myself personally.

I apologize if I offended you. Again, I can't being to understand your situation and no, I'm not comparing.

However, as a healthy single, I can attest to being treated like a circus freak as well, albeit I'm sure on a much lesser level.

I think one of the hardest parts of being single (at least for me) is that everyone is constantly in your business. Your dress, your demeanor, your speech, your attitude, your middos, your looks... every single thing about you becomes public opinion. People delve deep into your personal character, talking about you is second nature, even if it's positive.
There are constantly people talking about you, talking about what you need to change, what you need to do, what you REALLY need vs what you are saying you need, and the list goes on and on.
There is something 'tangible' to do so people want you to do it. They push themselves on you. They push their agendas on you. They think they know best.
When it comes to other issues, things are much less talked about. No one is going over to someone and offering advice. No one is talking about what you need to do and change. People assume you are doing what needs to be done and that's that. It's not personal. It's not about your character, not about your demeanor. No one is describing you in great detail, no one is seizing you up based on this and that, no one is judging your choices

*steps off soapbox

When all is said and done, it's an extremely vulnerable position to be in. By putting yourself in the situation where you need to be set up, you need to use an intermediary, this is what happens. I don't pretend to have an alternative so I can't bash it.
Obviously, for someone disabled, they go through all this, and then some.  But again, choosing to enjoy life is really irrelevant.

Offline pbf

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Re: Dating in the jewish world while disabled
« Reply #144 on: February 14, 2018, 08:27:13 PM »
I understand. Such a tough spot but it seems you are at peace.
Thank you. BH I am

Offline henche

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Re: Dating in the jewish world while disabled
« Reply #145 on: February 14, 2018, 08:36:19 PM »
Why is that the only alternative to shidduch dating? It seems like you and others here view shidduch dating as the way to avoid casual mingling between boys and girls. There can be a middle ground, where men and women who are ready for marriage can date, with intentions of finding thier sole mate, without using a matchmaker.

Yes, but tell us more about that middle ground. How do you meet each other without casual mingling? At singles events? Ok. On sawyouatsinai? Ok. Still not a whole lot of opportunity. 


Offline Denverite

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Re: Dating in the jewish world while disabled
« Reply #146 on: February 14, 2018, 09:16:17 PM »
I apologize if I offended you. Again, I can't being to understand your situation and no, I'm not comparing.

However, as a healthy single, I can attest to being treated like a circus freak as well, albeit I'm sure on a much lesser level.

I think one of the hardest parts of being single (at least for me) is that everyone is constantly in your business. Your dress, your demeanor, your speech, your attitude, your middos, your looks... every single thing about you becomes public opinion. People delve deep into your personal character, talking about you is second nature, even if it's positive.
There are constantly people talking about you, talking about what you need to change, what you need to do, what you REALLY need vs what you are saying you need, and the list goes on and on.
There is something 'tangible' to do so people want you to do it. They push themselves on you. They push their agendas on you. They think they know best.
When it comes to other issues, things are much less talked about. No one is going over to someone and offering advice. No one is talking about what you need to do and change. People assume you are doing what needs to be done and that's that. It's not personal. It's not about your character, not about your demeanor. No one is describing you in great detail, no one is seizing you up based on this and that, no one is judging your choices

*steps off soapbox

When all is said and done, it's an extremely vulnerable position to be in. By putting yourself in the situation where you need to be set up, you need to use an intermediary, this is what happens. I don't pretend to have an alternative so I can't bash it.
Obviously, for someone disabled, they go through all this, and then some.  But again, choosing to enjoy life is really irrelevant.

Wow, you nailed it...such a painful process to have to do for any extended amount of time and I just did what you said up-thread too, giving you advice when I don't even know you!   :P

Offline Denverite

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Re: Dating in the jewish world while disabled
« Reply #147 on: February 14, 2018, 09:47:44 PM »
Yes, but tell us more about that middle ground. How do you meet each other without casual mingling? At singles events? Ok. On sawyouatsinai? Ok. Still not a whole lot of opportunity.

What's wrong with casual mingling in appropriate settings? Emphasis on appropriate settings. Could middle ground be weddings and Shabbos tables to start?  I try never to text or e-mail a friend's husband even casually (so if I get a travel deal and he is a DDFer I email it to her to forward) but when I went to Crown Height's for a good friend's daughter's wedding, I literally couldn't even wish her husband a mazel tov because I never got to see him.  I personally think that is a shame on a lot of levels.  And what a missed opportunity for all the singles there.  Used to be that Aunties and Moms would speak to a girl at a wedding or have their Dad's and Uncles on the men's side looking out for them to set them up (I met a few girls I would have loved to set up but I don't know any appropriate men).  The world is changing though and the vast majority of girls I met, attended that wedding of their friend alone, with no relatives at that wedding and most don't have any in town looking out for them at all.  I know a lot of Yeshivish girls from Denver go to Lakewood "for more opportunities" after seminary but they also don't have family there that are able to take advantage of settings to meet and introduce men to them, outside of the very judgmental, resume driven shidduch system. 

Offline chevron

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Re: Dating in the jewish world while disabled
« Reply #148 on: February 15, 2018, 10:53:10 AM »
I apologize if I offended you. Again, I can't being to understand your situation and no, I'm not comparing.

However, as a healthy single, I can attest to being treated like a circus freak as well, albeit I'm sure on a much lesser level.

I think one of the hardest parts of being single (at least for me) is that everyone is constantly in your business. Your dress, your demeanor, your speech, your attitude, your middos, your looks... every single thing about you becomes public opinion. People delve deep into your personal character, talking about you is second nature, even if it's positive.
There are constantly people talking about you, talking about what you need to change, what you need to do, what you REALLY need vs what you are saying you need, and the list goes on and on.
There is something 'tangible' to do so people want you to do it. They push themselves on you. They push their agendas on you. They think they know best.
When it comes to other issues, things are much less talked about. No one is going over to someone and offering advice. No one is talking about what you need to do and change. People assume you are doing what needs to be done and that's that. It's not personal. It's not about your character, not about your demeanor. No one is describing you in great detail, no one is seizing you up based on this and that, no one is judging your choices

*steps off soapbox

When all is said and done, it's an extremely vulnerable position to be in. By putting yourself in the situation where you need to be set up, you need to use an intermediary, this is what happens. I don't pretend to have an alternative so I can't bash it.
Obviously, for someone disabled, they go through all this, and then some.  But again, choosing to enjoy life is really irrelevant.

Thank you for your words and putting that out there.

I think the gist of the article is that by stating she is disabled, she doesnt get any dates.

She is using online dating it seems.


Offline cmey

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Re: Dating in the jewish world while disabled
« Reply #149 on: February 15, 2018, 11:20:47 AM »
What's wrong with casual mingling in appropriate settings? Emphasis on appropriate settings. Could middle ground be weddings and Shabbos tables to start?  I try never to text or e-mail a friend's husband even casually (so if I get a travel deal and he is a DDFer I email it to her to forward) but when I went to Crown Height's for a good friend's daughter's wedding, I literally couldn't even wish her husband a mazel tov because I never got to see him.  I personally think that is a shame on a lot of levels.  And what a missed opportunity for all the singles there.  Used to be that Aunties and Moms would speak to a girl at a wedding or have their Dad's and Uncles on the men's side looking out for them to set them up (I met a few girls I would have loved to set up but I don't know any appropriate men).  The world is changing though and the vast majority of girls I met, attended that wedding of their friend alone, with no relatives at that wedding and most don't have any in town looking out for them at all.  I know a lot of Yeshivish girls from Denver go to Lakewood "for more opportunities" after seminary but they also don't have family there that are able to take advantage of settings to meet and introduce men to them, outside of the very judgmental, resume driven shidduch system.

Something to consider when considering living out of town. There are many maalos but this is one of the realities...

Offline Mordyk

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Re: Dating in the jewish world while disabled
« Reply #150 on: February 15, 2018, 12:38:54 PM »
I'm an introvert by nature, and growing up with 5 brothers I had exactly zero social interaction with girls before shidduch dating.
Was awkward with the first few girls I dated, but eventually I found my footing.

Super annoying to fly across the country and be dumped after a single date, but c'est la vie.
that couldn't be the annoying part for you ;D

Offline Dan

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Re: Dating in the jewish world while disabled
« Reply #151 on: February 15, 2018, 12:42:44 PM »
that couldn't be the annoying part for you ;D
Was when I was juggling business school and dating.
Save your time, I don't answer PM. Post it in the forum and a dedicated DDF'er will get back to you as soon as possible.

Offline pbf

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Re: Dating in the jewish world while disabled
« Reply #152 on: February 15, 2018, 12:51:19 PM »
Thank you for your words and putting that out there.

I think the gist of the article is that by stating she is disabled, she doesnt get any dates.

She is using online dating it seems.

You're right and that feels rough and crippling.
But at the end of the day, having a lot of dates doesn't help. You only need one.

Offline hvaces42

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Offline Denverite

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Re: Dating in the jewish world while disabled
« Reply #154 on: March 05, 2018, 08:13:37 AM »
Well well well...look who shows up again.

https://nypost.com/2018/02/27/lawyer-claims-health-insurance-companies-behind-1b-scam/?utm_campaign=SocialFlow&utm_source=NYPTwitter&utm_medium=SocialFlow

I hope she wins, gets a nice percentage of those billions and then everyone will be trying to set her up with guys that want to learn all day and she can be the one turning them away!!  :P

Offline hvaces42

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Re: Dating in the jewish world while disabled
« Reply #155 on: March 05, 2018, 09:08:17 AM »
I hope she wins, gets a nice percentage of those billions and then everyone will be trying to set her up with guys that want to learn all day and she can be the one turning them away!!  :P
Exactly my thoughts, because what is a disability when you're loaded. Sickening that those thoughts are exactly what goes on out there in the shidduch world.
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Offline Randomex

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Re: Dating in the jewish world while disabled
« Reply #156 on: May 07, 2021, 06:09:04 AM »