Topic Wiki

I created an account to say this

I am a survivor of abuse

I tried to type up a longer, more detailed post but it got too hard. The bottom line is the following

There's no such thing as universal feelings, reactions, desires, needs that all victims share. Each one is an individual who suffered alone and carries the unique scars that stay with them and each one will react to future situations in life in their own way.

Therefore, there is no single response to abuse that will leave all victims feeling safe, secure, validated, supported, closure and everything else all the well meaning people here want to give them.

However, I think there is a single response that would leave all victims feeling further pain and trauma and that is "It can't be."

Rabbi Shimon Russell - How to Safeguard and Protect our Children

« Last edited by Yehuda57 on January 12, 2022, 05:44:00 PM »

Author Topic: Chaim Walder dies  (Read 68248 times)

Online EliJelly

  • Dansdeals Lifetime Platinum Elite
  • *******
  • Join Date: Jan 2019
  • Posts: 1997
  • Total likes: 1635
  • Hat Tips 1
    • View Profile
Re: Chaim Walder dies
« Reply #1340 on: March 04, 2022, 03:02:38 PM »
I don't know it it was related to these allegations, but he was removed from his position by the place he worked at a while back. There are several others who claim the title Chief Rabbi of Ukraine.
Chabad vs Stolin?

Online zh cohen

  • Dansdeals Lifetime Platinum Elite
  • *******
  • Join Date: Dec 2013
  • Posts: 1340
  • Total likes: 1272
  • Hat Tips 1
  • Gender: Male
    • View Profile
  • Location: Brooklyn
Re: Chaim Walder dies
« Reply #1341 on: March 04, 2022, 03:13:36 PM »
Chabad vs Stolin?

FWIU Stolin does not either recognize him

Online Euclid

  • Dansdeals Presidential Platinum Elite
  • ********
  • Join Date: Jun 2010
  • Posts: 3697
  • Total likes: 3845
  • Hat Tips 3
    • View Profile
Re: Chaim Walder dies
« Reply #1342 on: March 04, 2022, 03:15:26 PM »
I don't know it it was related to these allegations, but he was removed from his position by the place he worked at a while back. There are several others who claim the title Chief Rabbi of Ukraine.
Apparently it was related to the accusations. Though if you ask him he'll say that people are out to get him (like every public person accused of anything has claimed since the dawn of time).

Offline Moshe123

  • Dansdeals Lifetime Presidential Platinum Elite
  • *********
  • Join Date: Sep 2012
  • Posts: 5901
  • Total likes: 663
  • Hat Tips 1
  • Gender: Male
    • View Profile
  • Location: Spring Valley
  • Programs: Lost
Re: Chaim Walder dies
« Reply #1343 on: March 04, 2022, 03:28:10 PM »
Litigate this after the war. Everyone should help now.

Online ExGingi

  • Dansdeals Lifetime 10K Presidential Platinum Elite
  • *******
  • Join Date: Nov 2015
  • Posts: 13305
  • Total likes: 5102
  • Hat Tips 17
    • View Profile
  • Location: 770
I've been waiting over 5 years with bated breath for someone to say that!
-- Dan

Online Euclid

  • Dansdeals Presidential Platinum Elite
  • ********
  • Join Date: Jun 2010
  • Posts: 3697
  • Total likes: 3845
  • Hat Tips 3
    • View Profile
Re: Chaim Walder dies
« Reply #1345 on: March 15, 2022, 09:38:30 AM »
I agree that its a MUST before anyone becomes a licensed parent!

Regarding this topic of how to throw them to the dogs.

Listen to his opening point (at least.): The vast majority of cases are family members, usually young adolescents, abusing a younger child.

So moving forward:

We have this child, now adult who is a wreck and needs urgent help. We need to recognize these cases and get them help.

We need to educate parents how to protect children from these occurrences.

However in these kinds of cases, which are the vast majority (according to Rabbi Russel, a world class professional) in all likelihood this abuser is no longer an active threat to society and probably not a threat at all (I don抰 know the stats or behavior trends). So how do we deal these unlikely repeaters?

Action is certainly necessary for cases where recurrence is possible. And as Rabbi Elefant recently said publicly, it needs to be clear zero tolerance.

Offline yelped

  • Dansdeals Lifetime Presidential Platinum Elite
  • *********
  • Join Date: Mar 2015
  • Posts: 8113
  • Total likes: 2129
  • Hat Tips 31
    • View Profile
Re: Chaim Walder dies
« Reply #1346 on: March 16, 2022, 01:05:45 AM »
So sad. Beautiful letter, though (I shouldn't be describing it that way). You can tell the author has amazing Middos.

Online ExGingi

  • Dansdeals Lifetime 10K Presidential Platinum Elite
  • *******
  • Join Date: Nov 2015
  • Posts: 13305
  • Total likes: 5102
  • Hat Tips 17
    • View Profile
  • Location: 770
Re: Chaim Walder dies
« Reply #1347 on: March 25, 2022, 10:57:54 AM »

I've been waiting over 5 years with bated breath for someone to say that!
-- Dan

Offline tov hashem

  • Dansdeals Platinum Elite
  • ****
  • Join Date: Jun 2014
  • Posts: 376
  • Total likes: 62
  • Hat Tips 0
    • View Profile
Re: Chaim Walder dies
« Reply #1348 on: June 29, 2022, 10:04:05 AM »
בד׳ה יהודה משי זהב

Offline Randomex

  • Dansdeals Gold Elite
  • ***
  • Join Date: Aug 2018
  • Posts: 212
  • Total likes: 559
  • Hat Tips 0
  • Gender: Male
    • View Profile
  • Location: Lakewood
  • Programs: MSPaint, Notepad, Firefox, VLC Media Player
Re: Chaim Walder dies
« Reply #1349 on: July 03, 2022, 06:03:31 PM »
(I have not read most of this thread.)

Since removed by TLS. Here it is (with some comments), courtesy of Google's cache:

Quote from: TLS
    Letter: Abuse in the Family Like a Stab in the Heart

Posted March 15th, 2022 @ 9:34 AM

In all the talk about abuse in recent months, this genre is still not being spoken about. And if I抦 feeling more alone than ever I cannot imagine that others are not.

In a way abuse out of the immediate family is easier it抯 a wound that
can be stitched up and heal to some extent, though there will always be
that tremendous scar that will never go away.

Abuse within the family however, is like being stabbed in the heart with
a knife. And instead of the knife being removed and the wound being
allowed to close and heal, it抯 left there. And every so often family
simcha, Y擳, really a constant presence that knife is twisted good and
hard, and the wound just gushes blood again.

Can you please give me a voice, the voice that I will never have,
because I can抰?! And hopefully through my voice, others in the same
boat as me, will find some measure of comfort, healing, and validation.

Thank you for considering

Dear __________,

A tornado occurs when hot winds and cold winds collide and create chaos.
Imagine living with an internal tornado ALL THE TIME.

*I love you but I hate you. I抦 so uncomfortable for what you did to
me I can抰 even look you in the eye.

*I want to protect your dignity but it hurts me so much that I appear
a moron to our siblings for my unexplained coldness towards you.

*I抦 furious at you but how can I not forgive you and be
understanding? After all, you too were only a kid.

*I want compassion and empathy from my family but how can I hurt our
parents and tear them into two, by making them relive the harsh truth?

*I want the world, or at least my friends who went through similar yet
different experiences, to understand the full extent of my pain but I
can never hurt you by revealing your identity. Even though you so
carelessly betrayed me.

*I want our parents to experience Yom Tov with full nachas, and you and
your family to enjoy spending time with family but your presence
exhausts me because I work so hard to try and make everything look
搉ormal, for your wife抯 sake, your kids sake, our parents and
siblings sake, and for your sake. Because as much as you violated me in
the worst sense possible I can never divorce my love for you. Even
though I wish I could, it would be a whole lot less painful.

*I came to your wedding and tried my best but I felt like everyone
could see through my plastered on smile. That they could plainly see the
hurt and confusion writhing internally. I felt that my very existence
was a cruel reminder to you of unpleasant past misdeeds, on what should
have been the happiest day of your life. That my existence on this
planet is a cruel reminder. I didn抰 bother trying to join any of your
following simchas it would be too hard to try to maintain my thin
veneer of pretend calm.

*Our family is fragmented because of my inability to just get over
things but your constant presence in my life is an unending maelstrom.

*I want to curse you, to be angry, to take you to trial but you抮e my
brother and I could never bring myself to hurt you.

*I never want to see you again in my life but you抮e my brother and I
care about you

*I know you apologized sincerely many times over but somehow that just
makes it worse. Because now I don抰 even have the right to be angry.

* How I wish I could forgive, and desperately wish I could forget but
how can I when the effects of what you did still shadows me, every,
single, day?

And so, as I was then, I remain now: The Protector. Protecting your
dignity, protecting your feelings. Protecting our parents, protecting
our siblings and extended family, protecting your wife and kids. And all
the while I try to be my own protector. But as was then so is now your
protection will always take precedence.



    I think she should have told and still can tell her parents or at
    least a rabbi or mentor she trusts because this kind of abusive
    behavior isn抰 a one time thing. This guy needs help. Who says his
    own children aren抰 suffering as a result. Perhaps he was abused.

    by Anonymaam on 2022-03-15 at 9:55 am


    i used to think that Shabbos, Yom Tov, etc, are for FFB people who
    had a smooth run in life, but recently i concentrated on the words
    in the Zmiros and i realized that Shabbos in the eyes of the
    tzadikim who wrote those zmiros is a time for healing, and not
    exclusively in the physical sense. If you read some history you may
    figure out that some of the greatest tzadikim dealt with these
    issues. So beyond the practical advice that a Rav can offer, try
    搇iving the zmiros, not just singing but actually 搇iving inside
    those words and touching the spirit that was embedded in them, which
    has the capacity to bring the power of Shabbos and Yom Tov all the
    way over to you and to heal.

    by here is the point on 2022-03-15 at 11:02 am


    Thank you TLS for printing this letter. Thank you for giving a voice
    and platform to this very special brave lady.

    To the very beautiful person who submitted this letter. Your
    strength and character are outstanding. I read your letter and
    cried, then reread it again and cried more. I have no words or
    suggestions. I don抰 know how you do it. I can抰 imagine or even
    think of a way to see things from your eyes as you see them. All I
    am doing now is thinking of how brave, and amazing you have been and
    continue to be. I just can抰 stop crying with you and wish I had a
    way to help make it better for you.

    I will keep you in my heart and teffilos everyday and from this day
    forward I consider you a friend who I care about. I can only hope
    that each morning as you awake to a new day, Hashem gives you the
    tools and the strength you need to smile, be happy, feel calm and do
    good all while carrying your pain.

    I am so proud to have a new friend in you and while we don抰 know
    each other, I still care so much for you.

    by Oy vey! on 2022-03-15 at 11:11 am


    Thank you so much for writing this and putting it out there.
    You gave words to what so many of us go through silently. With all
    the awareness that抯 come as a result of the recent events, those
    who suffered at the hands of family members were somehow overshadowed.
    No words, just thank you.

    by IGETIT on 2022-03-15 at 11:40 am


    I think our community schools should implement the Magenu safety
    program. It has a few lessons which teach about competing feelings,
    trusted adults, the difference between a secret and a surprise. It
    is Tzanua and completely reviewed to be appropriate and educational
    for our children.

    by negel vasser on 2022-03-15 at 12:21 pm


    you are basically living 2 lives or no lives. thank you for sharing.
    would love to connect

    by admasai on 2022-03-15 at 1:37 pm


    I am so sorry for your pain! May Hashem give you a nechama. As a
    parent, this is my biggest fear. How can one make sure abuse doesn抰
    take place unDer their nose???

    by Bd on 2022-03-15 at 2:02 pm


    Why the assumption that this is a female?

    by Bubba on 2022-03-15 at 2:19 pm


    IGETIT thank you. It makes the pain worth it when I know I抳e
    touched someone else抯 life and hopefully provided some measure of
    balm. A request to everyone: can you please help me spread this
    message? There are so many of us suffering in silence. We need all
    the validation we can get. Which is why I so badly wanted to get my
    letter published. If you know anyone who can be helped (though most
    of us are so masked up), please forward!!! And may you be gebentched.
    Admasai B擧 I抦 living a truly beautiful life though recent
    events definitely threw my balance for a bit. There is hope, there
    is recovery even in this deep pain. I抦 happy to email if there is
    toeles. You can get my email from TLS.
    Bd there is no sure answer. But we need to up the education, and
    most of all daven. But I truly think if I would抳e been given the
    basic language, I would have been able to get help immediately and
    stop the saga in it抯 tracks. And I think that perhaps the whole sad
    story could have been prevented with proper education for both of
    us. Believe me it抯 a tragedy for my brother as well.

    by Me on 2022-03-15 at 4:07 pm


    I抦 a male, and as such have the hated but pervasive stereotypical
    tendency to always try to think of a solution or suggestion whenever
    I hear of a problem, helpful or not. Over here, though, I don抰 even
    have any thoughts that can be helpful. I just want to validate your
    pain and struggle. You seem like an incredible person. May you have
    only serenity, peace, and healing from Hashem, the true source of
    all healing. May you only experience nachas and happiness from your
    own family. I may not have any way to help you, but I care about
    you, as a fellow sibling in Klal Yisrael. May you know of no more
    suffering. Thank you for sharing your poignant message and thoughts
    with us.

    by Dave on 2022-03-15 at 4:47 pm


    How courageous of you to write this letter. And how profound your
    maturity and midos tovos that you sacrifice so much in an effort not
    to hurt your brother or the extended family.

    The pain you have been living with constantly is unimaginable for
    anyone without such sad experience. The emotional tug of war you
    describe must be wreaking havoc on your psyche. There are no magic
    fixes. No platitudes that will make your pain go away. How awful it
    must be for you to repeatedly relive the trauma at each family
    gathering. Your challenge is enormous.

    You are so brave to admit your ongoing love and loyalty to a brother
    who has hurt you so badly. That must be so hard for you. It speaks
    volumes about your inner kindness and sensitivity.

    You are so strong to continue to protect not only your brother but
    also his wife and kids who are innocent bystanders. And protecting
    your parents from further torture is the highest form of kibud
    horim. I feel sorry for you that you have been carrying this heavy
    burden of 損rotection all on your own and wish I could connect in
    some small way🫂

    May G-d give you continued strength to face each new day with
    clarity and wisdom, and grant you the healing and genuine joy you so
    rightly deserve.

    Thank you for sharing your story
    I feel for you
    I cry with you
    I pray that you find inner peace

    by Menuchasnefesh on 2022-03-15 at 5:47 pm


    Dear Writer,

    Thank you for sharing your pain and giving voice to many others
    suffering in silence.

    I haven抰 been molested, but have gone through a rough childhood
    nonetheless due to emotional and verbal abuse.

    Compensating for your pain is one thing, and your letter clearly
    articulates your frustration in being unable to compensate properly
    due to the dynamics of what happened to you.

    Healing however is an entirely different game that begins from the
    inside, and goes a lot deeper.

    I can share some info if you抎 like: (

    FYI, I have nothing for sale.

    Wishing you much comfort and peace on your journey.

    by Compensation vs. Healing on 2022-03-15 at 8:49 pm


    Dear letter writer, you抮e a walking powerhouse! Besides for the
    tremendous validation and strength that your message gives to us who
    went through it, and to those who can relate in many more ways, your
    letter brings forth one of the biggest kiddush Hashem. Although we
    can never know why we go through certain things in life and why it
    happened to us, I抦 sure there抯 a well thought out blue print up in
    shamayim explaining every single bit of those details, however, YOU
    my dear, brought your nisayon up to a higher level like no other!
    You amaze me, you inspire me, and I can say is that I wish you will
    receive true inner healing from your silent pain, and true happiness
    should always emerge from very deep within! You gave me so much
    strength, I shared it will many people who went through it, and to
    those who went through all sorts of different kind of abuse and they
    were awed!! Some even told me that they felt someone wrote they抮e
    feelings down. So thank you for this letter, you write so
    beautifully and expressed it down to the last T, in the most unique
    way! Thank you brave TLS for posting this letter and giving her/him
    a voice, and through this a hopefully hopefully awareness will come
    through. Maybe one day, one school will quietly educate their
    students on how to be safe and protected in the right way. Maybe one
    day, one day! Thank you so very much! May you be blessed!! Thank You
    Hashem for giving you and all of us the strength to keep fighting
    for inner peace!!

    by In another boat on the same waters on 2022-03-15 at 10:21 pm
From up here on my high horse, it's pretty easy to see that I'm right.