Writing one's own נוסח המצבה (tombstone)

[ExGingi]

After experiencing several times emotional discussions and disagreements about what to write on מצבות (sometimes despite verbal instructions from the deceased), I mentioned to DW this morning that I hope to put my own נוסח המצבה in my will (which hopefully will not deal with any financial issues, as those will be dealt with in better ways), so there should be no possibility for disagreements.

Ed Koch famously wrote his own.

How common is the practice (amongst שומרי תומ"צ)?

[Sam Finkelstein]

Rav Schwab wrote at least part of his.

[AsherO]

Assuming one was to write their own, what are the considerations?

Trying to figure out what I’d want written on mine other than a name and a date 😔 (along with the customary abbreviations at the top / bottom)

[JoeyShmoe]

After experiencing several times emotional discussions and disagreements about what to write on מצבות (sometimes despite verbal instructions from the deceased), I mentioned to DW this morning that I hope to put my own נוסח המצבה in my will (which hopefully will not deal with any financial issues, as those will be dealt with in better ways), so there should be no possibility for disagreements.

Ed Koch famously wrote his own.

How common is the practice (amongst שומרי תומ"צ)?

I know that my Grandfather A"H wrote his own Nusach, and part of his Tzava'ah was that the Matzeiva should be put up the last day of Shiva. My Father A"H on the other hand didn't prepare a Nusach (he also passed away relatively suddenly) and we were lucky enough to work on it together as a family and had it up for the Shloshim

[ExGingi]

Assuming one was to write their own, what are the considerations?

Trying to figure out what I’d want written on mine other than a name and a date 😔 (along with the customary abbreviations at the top / bottom)

Anyone can have whatever considerations they wish to have.

IINM it is customary (or at least used to be customary) to be extremely careful with what is written on it, so that בי"ד של מעלה doesn't have any claim about something being inaccurate or untrue in any way. I know of people who insisted that nothing be written other than name and date (ר' שלמק'ה מיידנצ'יק of Kfar Chabad comes to mind).

Then there are מצבות like this (I doubt whether he wrote it, but I know many find it important to write things that the Rebbe said or wrote about them):

[ExGingi]

I know that my Grandfather A"H wrote his own Nusach, and part of his Tzava'ah was that the Matzeiva should be put up the last day of Shiva. My Father A"H on the other hand didn't prepare a Nusach (he also passed away relatively suddenly) and we were lucky enough to work on it together as a family and had it up for the Shloshim

I actually put up my mother's matzeiva on the last day of Shiva, though later on I saw that the minhag is to do it the day AFTER shiva (which would have presented an issue due to travel needs).

[ExGingi]

Rav Schwab wrote at least part of his.

Can you (or anyone) post a picture?

[JoeyShmoe]

I actually put up my mother's matzeiva on the last day of Shiva, though later on I saw that the minhag is to do it the day AFTER shiva (which would have presented an issue due to travel needs).

You're right, it may have been the day after Shiva

[Yehudaa]

Can you (or anyone) post a picture?

https://kevarim.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/07/Schwab-Shimon-Pic-1.jpg

[SSLPhD]

Anyone can have whatever considerations they wish to have.

I don't think this is 100% true. Both my grandfather and mother told us what they wanted written, and we were told to adjust it in both cases.  About one it was a pretty clear: "no, that's not done."

[TimT]

IINM it is customary (or at least used to be customary) to be extremely careful with what is written on it, so that בי"ד של מעלה doesn't have any claim about something being inaccurate or untrue in any way.

Why would בי״ד של מעלה care what anyone writes on a stone ? Won’t they have taanis on me for not being (fill in the blank) whether the matzeiva says it or not ?

[ExGingi]

Why would בי״ד של מעלה care what anyone writes on a stone ? Won’t they have taanis on me for not being (fill in the blank) whether the matzeiva says it or not ?

Not necessarily. Many titles and descriptions are often added, that no one would ask about if not mentioned, but once mentioned, one might question if not 100% accurate.

(I recently suggested to try to avoid adjectives and prefer passive verbs. For example: נשלח ע"י rather than שליח).

[aygart]

Are there items you would have felt were "missing" had it been written by the niftar that when written by children they can now include?

[ExGingi]

https://kevarim.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/07/Schwab-Shimon-Pic-1.jpg

@Sam Finkelstein which parts did he write himself?

[ExGingi]

Are there items you would have felt were "missing" had it been written by the niftar that when written by children they can now include?

IDK. My attitude is not to write anything other than the name and date (and פ"נ on top and ת' נ' צ' ב' ה' at the bottom).

[Sam Finkelstein]

@Sam Finkelstein which parts did he write himself?

The pasuk on the bottom.

[koplonko]

there are various instructions from the rebbe regarding what should be written, i remember off hand that the rebbe(im) should be mentioned

[koplonko]

ususally people write their own if their scared what others will write...

[ExGingi]

Why would בי״ד של מעלה care what anyone writes on a stone ? Won’t they have taanis on me for not being (fill in the blank) whether the matzeiva says it or not ?

מ'וועט נישט שמייסן זושא פארוואס ער איז נישט געווען מיילעך; מ'וועט שמייסן זושא פארוואס ער איז נישט געווען זושא, האט דער ר"ר זושא גיזאגט

So if anything that is added written on the matzeiva can create an extra טענה.

[AsherO]

IDK. My attitude is not to write anything other than the name and date (and פ"נ on top and ת' נ' צ' ב' ה' at the bottom).

Exactly what I wrote. My concern is what you mentioned, that whatever is written should be true. Someone PM’d me about the other thing you mentioned, mentioning a connection to the Rebbe, but even that would have to be truthful, like that I grew up in the neighborhood. Going on the record that I’m a chassid is a tall order, even four or five decades from now I don’t know if I’ll feel ready for that.