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« Last edited by yesitsme on June 19, 2022, 10:54:14 PM »

Author Topic: Parental support  (Read 25439 times)

Offline nbfromnj

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Re: Parental support
« Reply #200 on: June 01, 2022, 03:01:18 PM »
Perhaps the idea that girls consider themselves maidens in waiting and have no career goals or ambitions while in shidduchim for years is the problem, not expectations of support.
Why do you assume that most single girls have no career goals or ambitions while in shidduchim?? I think most girls actually do think good and hard before choosing a career path especially if they want to be able to support a kollel family. this doesn't mean that the decision is made based on potential salary alone. not everyone is cut out to be or interested in being an air traffic controller

Offline Mordyk

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Re: Parental support
« Reply #201 on: June 01, 2022, 03:04:44 PM »
This whole thread makes me sick.  Get a job and provide for yourself.  85% of parents struggle to support their kids. Only reason they do it is because society dictates that they have to.  Reminds me of my cousin that bought a house when he left kollel. Wife worked and all money went to savings. While his father in law went into debt.

Under the chuppah you made a commitment to provide for your wife.  Do what it takes to do so.  (IF you can't make ends meet with a job for you and your wife then don't be ashamed to reach out for help. But something tells me that's not the story of this thread)

End of rant.

Offline nbfromnj

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Re: Parental support
« Reply #202 on: June 01, 2022, 03:05:45 PM »
So then it is not cruel that she can't get married without that support.
The part that seems unfair is when girls whose parents cannot or will not support have a hard time getting dates even though they themselves have well paying jobs or savings. And I believe this is a real problem

Offline Dan

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Re: Parental support
« Reply #203 on: June 01, 2022, 03:08:38 PM »
Save your time, I don't answer PM. Post it in the forum and a dedicated DDF'er will get back to you as soon as possible.

Offline hvaces42

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Re: Parental support
« Reply #204 on: June 01, 2022, 03:25:29 PM »
Fair warning - Any PMs sent in response to forum posts are fair game for ridicule in public.

Offline avromie7

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Re: Parental support
« Reply #205 on: June 01, 2022, 03:26:38 PM »
I wonder what people who type "u" instead of "you" do with all their free time.

Offline drosenberg88429

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Re: Parental support
« Reply #206 on: June 01, 2022, 03:33:48 PM »

In any case, this hypothetical girl youíre talking about probably doesnít have a problem getting a Shidduch, she is way above average.

Lololol. (A bittere gelechte.)


Offline drosenberg88429

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Re: Parental support
« Reply #207 on: June 01, 2022, 03:36:23 PM »
Ignorance is bliss :P

Until you get punched in the jaw.

Offline Dan

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Re: Parental support
« Reply #208 on: June 01, 2022, 03:40:15 PM »
Any chance some of these Lakewood girls would consider going out with Chabad guys? If itís workable (the hashkafa gap might be too wide to bridge) maybe it could be a win-win?
Huh? The girl surplus exists in Chabad as well.
Save your time, I don't answer PM. Post it in the forum and a dedicated DDF'er will get back to you as soon as possible.

Offline drosenberg88429

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Re: Parental support
« Reply #209 on: June 01, 2022, 03:41:08 PM »
Technically/halachically itís the husbandís obligation to support her after marriage, not theirs. Whatís cruel is that she wonít get a good Shidduch if they donít offer financial support to her future husband. This isnít just support for her, itís for her future family (him included).

If you define a good shidduch as someone learning full time and in need of support, then yes, someone has to pay the bills. You can't have your cake and eat it too. I don't get the cruelty inherent in the support concept. Maybe classifying only full time learning guys as good shidduchim is the height of cruelty?

Offline drosenberg88429

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Re: Parental support
« Reply #210 on: June 01, 2022, 03:43:11 PM »
Any chance some of these Lakewood girls would consider going out with Chabad guys? If itís workable (the hashkafa gap might be too wide to bridge) maybe it could be a win-win?

Nah. Can't even get them to go out with chassidish guys (where there are too many guys), which are a lot closer in many ways to Lakewood than chabad.

Offline drosenberg88429

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Re: Parental support
« Reply #211 on: June 01, 2022, 03:47:39 PM »
She thinks she will get married soon so it doesn't make sense to start schooling. If she gets married and has years of school left while making 0, that is a lot worse than a babysitter assistant for those few years. If you want to argue that girls should wait to marry and first get a degree/advanced training for a good job, that is a different story

If she wants a learning guy, how does she plan on making income after marriage?

It doesn't sound like it's the boy who wants to be supported in your case. It sounds like the demand for support is coming from the girl. If she wants a learning guy, she should be willing to put in the effort on her end to make it realistic. Kollel is a partnership.

Offline smart man

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Re: Parental support
« Reply #212 on: June 01, 2022, 04:05:03 PM »
If she wants a learning guy, how does she plan on making income after marriage?

It doesn't sound like it's the boy who wants to be supported in your case. It sounds like the demand for support is coming from the girl. If she wants a learning guy, she should be willing to put in the effort on her end to make it realistic. Kollel is a partnership.
Most kollel wives have full time hard jobs. And theyíre doing their best to make it work. However, they still need some support when itís just a one income family. Unless they live extremely frugally.

Offline drosenberg88429

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Re: Parental support
« Reply #213 on: June 01, 2022, 04:07:01 PM »
I think it's common for parents to still support at that point. I think the mechutanim still want to hear that the parents are supporting. although there are some who actually support from the daughter's savings

Everyone has heard rumors about these hypothetical parents that demand support from the mechutanim no matter where the girl herself is holding financially. I honestly think that in actuality it's pretty uncommon. It's a couple of individuals that attract outsized attention (and aggravated by some archaic shadchanim and shidduch advisers that still have the traditional mindset that inquiring about parental support before starting a shidduch is par for the course, but finding out about the girl herselfs earnings and savings and financial plan is taboo and rude), but I don't think it's widespread in the yeshivish community. People are generally pretty realistic, and just want to know bottom line how it's gonna work.

Offline drosenberg88429

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Re: Parental support
« Reply #214 on: June 01, 2022, 04:08:56 PM »
Most kollel wives have full time hard jobs. And theyíre doing their best to make it work. However, they still need some support when itís just a one income family. Unless they live extremely frugally.

I don't get the train of thought why "getting married soon" means "shouldn't go for schooling or a higher paying career path". What's the long term plan of action here? Doesn't looking for learning guy equate the girl planning on bringing in the dough as the ezer knegdo to enable that learning?

Offline smart man

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Re: Parental support
« Reply #215 on: June 01, 2022, 04:10:31 PM »
This whole thread makes me sick.  Get a job and provide for yourself.  85% of parents struggle to support their kids. Only reason they do it is because society dictates that they have to.  Reminds me of my cousin that bought a house when he left kollel. Wife worked and all money went to savings. While his father in law went into debt.

Under the chuppah you made a commitment to provide for your wife.  Do what it takes to do so.  (IF you can't make ends meet with a job for you and your wife then don't be ashamed to reach out for help. But something tells me that's not the story of this thread)

End of rant.
Youíre saying he should have lived in the basement forever (at least a couple of years past leaving kollel) with no saving up for a house?

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Re: Parental support
« Reply #216 on: June 01, 2022, 04:12:57 PM »
Youíre saying he should have lived in the basement forever (at least a couple of years past leaving kollel) with no saving up for a house?
there's a difference between supporting somebody so they can make it month to month and then this in which do really need all that support and what's happening in reality is that the money is going towards the house

Offline aygart

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Re: Parental support
« Reply #217 on: June 01, 2022, 04:45:29 PM »
Youíre saying he should have lived in the basement forever (at least a couple of years past leaving kollel) with no saving up for a house?

Where did the entitlement to own a house in a hot market come from?
Feelings don't care about your facts

Online Euclid

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Re: Parental support
« Reply #218 on: June 01, 2022, 04:51:43 PM »
Youíre saying he should have lived in the basement forever (at least a couple of years past leaving kollel) with no saving up for a house?
I lived in a basement for 9 years; and after working for 5 years (my wife worked too) I was able to buy a house.

Offline smart man

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Re: Parental support
« Reply #219 on: June 01, 2022, 04:56:49 PM »
there's a difference between supporting somebody so they can make it month to month and then this in which do really need all that support and what's happening in reality is that the money is going towards the house
So a kollel couple thatís being supported has no right to save any money. Okay