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« Last edited by yesitsme on June 19, 2022, 10:54:14 PM »

Author Topic: Parental support  (Read 25441 times)

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Re: Parental support
« Reply #220 on: June 01, 2022, 05:07:17 PM »
So a kollel couple thatís being supported has no right to save any money. Okay
They should not be demanding money just to save it. If someone wants to give them such a gift then kol hakovod.
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Offline yeshivabucher

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Re: Parental support
« Reply #221 on: June 01, 2022, 05:10:49 PM »
So a kollel couple thatís being supported has no right to save any money. Okay
no one says not to have emergency fund saved but to go above and beyond that idk is so in line with what support should be for

Offline ckmk47

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Re: Parental support
« Reply #222 on: June 01, 2022, 05:12:40 PM »

I lived in a basement for 9 years; and after working for 5 years (my wife worked too) I was able to buy a house.
Were you getting money from some other hardworking couple every month?
Not if you were working.

So a kollel couple thatís being supported has no right to save any money. Okay
That's being disingenuous. A kolel couple doesn't need to only get the bare minimum.  If they saved a little at a time because they lived frugally,  and managed to gather enough for a down payment, that's admirable.
But if a couple is being supported by parents who find it difficult, they shouldn't be living 'well'.
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Offline moko

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Re: Parental support
« Reply #223 on: June 01, 2022, 05:34:02 PM »
Where did the entitlement to own a house in a hot market come from?
I lived in a basement even after buying ahouse

Offline jye

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Re: Parental support
« Reply #224 on: June 01, 2022, 05:52:49 PM »
I lived in a basement even after buying ahouse
This belongs in the rental thread about landlords feeling bad for the tenants and not raising rents.

Offline yuneeq

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Re: Parental support
« Reply #225 on: June 01, 2022, 06:33:24 PM »
Softball question - why can't support be split between both sides?
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Re: Parental support
« Reply #226 on: June 01, 2022, 06:49:41 PM »
Softball question - why can't support be split between both sides?
Why aren't the wedding costs split evenly? (Not just in Frum circles)

Offline jye

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Re: Parental support
« Reply #227 on: June 01, 2022, 06:50:45 PM »
Softball question - why can't support be split between both sides?
If the was no boy/girl imbalance it probably would.

Offline hvaces42

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Re: Parental support
« Reply #228 on: June 01, 2022, 06:52:36 PM »
Why aren't the wedding costs split evenly? (Not just in Frum circles)
I dont know, but were making a wedding in 3 weeks and its split 50/50 between the sides> If I want something extra then I pay for it and same goes for my mechutanim.
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Offline EliJelly

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Re: Parental support
« Reply #229 on: June 01, 2022, 07:08:51 PM »
Softball question - why can't support be split between both sides?
When you have a shidduch crisis for girls there is not too much leverage for the girls side to make that request.

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Re: Parental support
« Reply #230 on: June 01, 2022, 07:20:45 PM »
Softball question - why can't support be split between both sides?
Considering that the boy is abandoning his parents out makes sense.
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Offline smart man

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Re: Parental support
« Reply #231 on: June 01, 2022, 08:17:19 PM »
no one says not to have emergency fund saved but to go above and beyond that idk is so in line with what support should be for
So someone thatís in kollel long term shouldnít ever buy a house? Fwiu, support is not just for basic necessities at time of support, rather to set up the couple for life too if possible.
Proof in pudding, the support in Israel is a down payment or whatever for an apartment and usually not a monthly check.

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Re: Parental support
« Reply #232 on: June 01, 2022, 08:39:47 PM »
So someone thatís in kollel long term shouldnít ever buy a house? Fwiu, support is not just for basic necessities at time of support, rather to set up the couple for life too if possible.
Proof in pudding, the support in Israel is a down payment or whatever for an apartment and usually not a monthly check.
Great but you seem to be pushing for both
Feelings don't care about your facts

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Re: Parental support
« Reply #233 on: June 01, 2022, 08:57:01 PM »
Great but you seem to be pushing for both
Iím not pushing for anything. Iím just trying to show why itís not out of whack for a father in law to go into debt to support his kids. And said son in law will probably do the same in a few years for his kids.

Offline Sam Finkelstein

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Re: Parental support
« Reply #234 on: June 01, 2022, 10:48:22 PM »
Iím not pushing for anything. Iím just trying to show why itís not out of whack for a father in law to go into debt to support his kids. And said son in law will probably do the same in a few years for his kids.


Winds of change are blowing. I was one of those sons-in-law who went into marriage with zero expectations and I'm seeing more and more people do it.

I had an accounting degree under my belt when I was 22, got engaged and married at 23. My wife wanted me to learn for a year, so she worked a low-paying job in education and my parents and in-laws helped equally, and I studied for the CPA in the evenings. I started working 13 months later at age 24, CPA under my belt and BH haven't needed the support since then. While they never will admit it, I know my in-laws are very relieved that they never need to spend anything on us (and they barely do - because they aren't really able to).

It's a matter of being honest with oneself. Some people should be supported, but I find the expectation for everyone to be a bit overboard.
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Re: Parental support
« Reply #235 on: June 01, 2022, 11:09:58 PM »
Softball question - why can't support be split between both sides?

Because the kollel model is a Yissachar Zevulun marriage partnership (oversimplification, and each marriage has its own structure and split up, but general idea). The boy learns, and the girl facilitates the financial aspect. The girls parents are helping her out to enable that, being as they and she want a learning guy. (If their mindset is that parnassa is the boy's problem, then there are plenty of guys that are making a parnassa. The ones supporting would generally say no to such a guy.)

It's not so different than a secular family supporting their kids through college. They believe it's a good investment to set their kids up. Many of us believe that Torah is at least as valuable.

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Re: Parental support
« Reply #236 on: June 01, 2022, 11:23:38 PM »
I dont know, but were making a wedding in 3 weeks and its split 50/50 between the sides> If I want something extra then I pay for it and same goes for my mechutanim.

Mazel tov!!! May you have a tremendous amount of nachas, and only continual simcha and bracha.

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Re: Parental support
« Reply #237 on: June 01, 2022, 11:48:08 PM »
I dont know, but were making a wedding in 3 weeks and its split 50/50 between the sides> If I want something extra then I pay for it and same goes for my mechutanim.

Mazel Tov!

I agree.  In our circles, this is how it is done.  As I said upthread, we also split the first year's rent, and some of the basic furniture and appliances, but that is it as far as support. 

Personally, I think it would make more sense to start with more support, and have it taper off after about a year and a half, but so far (same total, just different distribution), none of our mechutonim have agreed.

Offline ckmk47

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Re: Parental support
« Reply #238 on: June 02, 2022, 12:18:34 AM »
Mazel Tov!

I agree.  In our circles, this is how it is done.  As I said upthread, we also split the first year's rent, and some of the basic furniture and appliances, but that is it as far as support. 

Personally, I think it would make more sense to start with more support, and have it taper off after about a year and a half, but so far (same total, just different distribution), none of our mechutonim have agreed.
My daughter and SIL had more trouble self-supporting after the first year, since they then B"H had to pay a babysitter and had more expenses.
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Offline David61

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Re: Parental support
« Reply #239 on: June 02, 2022, 12:25:36 AM »
Mazel Tov!

I agree.  In our circles, this is how it is done.  As I said upthread, we also split the first year's rent, and some of the basic furniture and appliances, but that is it as far as support. 

Personally, I think it would make more sense to start with more support, and have it taper off after about a year and a half, but so far (same total, just different distribution), none of our mechutonim have agreed.

Expenses can be lumpy from month-to-month. Do supporting parents usually provide a steady amount monthly? or more like 6-months worth of support semi-annually, so the couple can manage through the month-to-month variability. (I suppose if the couple has some savings that can use that to handle the variability).