Marry Young / Shidduch Crisis

[yelped]

אִיהִי בְּכׇל דְּהוּ נִיחָא לַהּ, כִּדְרֵישׁ לָקִישׁ. דְּאָמַר רֵישׁ לָקִישׁ: ״טָב לְמֵיתַב טַן דּוּ מִלְּמֵיתַב אַרְמְלוּ״.

The Gemara answers: There is a difference between a man and a woman in this regard, for it is amenable to her to be with any man, flawed though he may be, as taught by Reish Lakish: As Reish Lakish said that women say: It is better to dwell together as two [tan du] than to dwell alone as if a widow. Women will prefer any marriage to remaining single.

They have to be picky to some degree as otherwise the end result can be the next part of the Gemara...

[ushdadude]

Well, they don't plan on fulfilling the end of that gemara.

They have to be picky to some degree as otherwise the end result can be the next part of the Gemara...

lol...true
unfortunately the same person can be both

[yelped]

lol...true
unfortunately the same person can be both

Anyways, since when is the Shidduch crisis due to *girls* being too picky?

[aygart]

Anyways, since when is the Shidduch crisis due to *girls* being too picky?

I have no good way to know one way or the other.

[ushdadude]

Anyways, since when is the Shidduch crisis due to *girls* being too picky?

the problem with being "picky" is that the other person might not want to be "picked." you just need one gender to accept anyone. that way the other side can pick whomever they want.  it seems from the gemara that it's easier to convince the girls' side.

[drosenberg88429]

A gentile employee mentioned he is going on a date set up through a matchmaker. I asked him about the process and I found it pretty interesting.

In his case, the woman reached out to the matchmaker, and he was narrowed down as a candidate. The matchmaker interviewed him for an hour, ran a background check, but did not ask for any references. The woman agreed to the match, and now they're going out next week.

For setting up the match, the matchmaker earns a minimum of $2,000, or $10,000 on the higher-end. This fee, along with the bill of a 5 star dinner is paid by the woman since she initiated the match. The matchmaker doesn't get paid for any future dates, nor if they get engaged or married. They also offer packages of 6 matches for a slightly lower fee, with partial refund if they get married before using up all their matches.

The matchmaker does not give last names to each other, and doesn't share pictures. There is no calling or messaging each other directly before the date, it is completely blind.

Note - he isn't religious or part of any cultural group, just a regular American.

Maybe if people would pay $2k for every person they met, it would incentivize them to give each match all they had and do their utmost to make it work. It might help significantly with our choice paradox crisis. The same way you get out of a marriage what you each put into it, so too for a match, in many cases. Being invested is not a bad thing.

[avromie7]

Maybe if people would pay $2k for every person they met, it would incentivize them to give each match all they had and do their utmost to make it work. It might help significantly with our choice paradox crisis. The same way you get out of a marriage what you each put into it, so too for a match, in many cases. Being invested is not a bad thing.

This is a terrible idea, people wouldn't date unless they think it's a perfect shidduchim.

[drosenberg88429]

This is a terrible idea, people wouldn't date unless they think it's a perfect shidduchim.

There are communities where people don't date unless they think it's a perfect match, and don't have the wanton easy come easy go approach. Does their system work better or worse than ours, by the numbers?

Calling something a terrible idea carries the insinuation of some due diligence having been done into the subject.

[avromie7]

There are communities where people don't date unless they think it's a perfect match, and don't have the wanton easy come easy go approach. Does their system work better or worse than ours, by the numbers?

Calling something a terrible idea carries the insinuation of some due diligence having been done into the subject.

If we can't get people to get married after a date, how can you expect them to get married without dates?

[drosenberg88429]

If we can't get people to get married after a date, how can you expect them to get married without dates?

That's a good question. Do people in those communities where they only meet if they think there's a very good chance of the couple getting married get married?

[yelped]

That's a good question. Do people in those communities where they only meet if they think there's a very good chance of the couple getting married get married?

You're right that there is much less older singles in those communities, but I'm not sure that this is the reason why. Although, having the appearance of much less choices (which is an illusion anyways, because there's only one right choice) makes the right choice easier.

[EliJelly]

If we can't get people to get married after a date, how can you expect them to get married without dates?

The more options presented the bigger dilemma created. Boiling it down to fewer more matching ideas might actually be helpful.

[aygart]

The whole concept of

more matching ideas

is an illusion.

[S209]

If we can't get people to get married after a date, how can you expect them to get married without dates?

https://hbr.org/2006/06/more-isnt-always-better

[pbf]

I wanted to share my news. I BH just got engaged!!

For the benefit of the conversations we have had on here, I will say this.
People asked me - oh what's different? Where has he been all these years etc etc.

The only thing that changed is me. Don't get me wrong, he's a great guy, and it was DEFINITLEY the right guy with the right time and right place. But the second half of that sentence is more important.
I did serious work beforehand. I was able to really dig deep, push past my comfort zone, push past my initial 'na he's not for me', push past the image I had in my head etc etc.
I don't think I could've done that with 99% of the guys I dated. But it's no coincidence

[Ver hut gazugt]

I wanted to share my news. I BH just got engaged!!

For the benefit of the conversations we have had on here, I will say this.
People asked me - oh what's different? Where has he been all these years etc etc.

The only thing that changed is me. Don't get me wrong, he's a great guy, and it was DEFINITLEY the right guy with the right time and right place. But the second half of that sentence is more important.
I did serious work beforehand. I was able to really dig deep, push past my comfort zone, push past my initial 'na he's not for me', push past the image I had in my head etc etc.
I don't think I could've done that with 99% of the guys I dated. But it's no coincidence

Mazel tov. You should be benched with a Binyan adai ad al yisoday hatorah vhamitzva.

[Yehuda57]

I wanted to share my news. I BH just got engaged!!

For the benefit of the conversations we have had on here, I will say this.
People asked me - oh what's different? Where has he been all these years etc etc.

The only thing that changed is me. Don't get me wrong, he's a great guy, and it was DEFINITLEY the right guy with the right time and right place. But the second half of that sentence is more important.
I did serious work beforehand. I was able to really dig deep, push past my comfort zone, push past my initial 'na he's not for me', push past the image I had in my head etc etc.
I don't think I could've done that with 99% of the guys I dated. But it's no coincidence

Mazal Tov

[pbf]

Thank you!

[Moshe Green]

I wanted to share my news. I BH just got engaged!!

For the benefit of the conversations we have had on here, I will say this.
People asked me - oh what's different? Where has he been all these years etc etc.

The only thing that changed is me. Don't get me wrong, he's a great guy, and it was DEFINITLEY the right guy with the right time and right place. But the second half of that sentence is more important.
I did serious work beforehand. I was able to really dig deep, push past my comfort zone, push past my initial 'na he's not for me', push past the image I had in my head etc etc.
I don't think I could've done that with 99% of the guys I dated. But it's no coincidence

Mazal Tov! After so many years of being alone it's such a big Simcha to finally meet your Bashert! May you be Zocheh to take your I's and turn them into We's!

[yelped]

Mazel Tov!!! What amazing news!