Marry Young / Shidduch Crisis

[Dan]

Are you talking specifically chabad? I’ve always heard that the chassidim where boys marry much younger have a reverse issue where the boys have a hard time finding girls.

Chabad doesn't get married younger like other chasidim. Guys go through ~9 years of mesivta/zal/bochur shlichus/smicha before getting dating.
And people say anecdotally that there's a shortage of guys.

I do believe that more guys drop out of the system than girls. After all, girls have 1 year post-high school and guys have 6 or more, and a far more rigorous schedule and demands. That makes more sense to me than a bizarre numbers imbalance.

[pbf]

Chabad doesn't get married younger like other chasidim. Guys go through ~9 years of mesivta/zal/smicha before getting dating.
And people say anecdotally that there's a shortage of guys.

I do believe that more guys drop out of the system than girls. After all, girls have 1 year post-high school and guys have 6 or so, and a far more rigorous schedule and demands. That makes more sense to me than a bizarre numbers imbalance.

This is true in yeshivish litvish circles as well. There are more highly yeshivish girls than there are boys.
Many many girls want (or are taught to want) a top full time learning boy that will stay in kollel for a while. There are far less boys that actually fit that category

[Dan]

This is true in yeshivish litvish circles as well. There are more highly yeshivish girls than there are boys.
Many many girls want (or are taught to want) a top full time learning boy that will stay in kollel for a while. There are far less boys that actually fit that category

Isn't this a simple explanation for the crisis? A hashkafic mismatch between the genders rather than blaming it on wonky stuff like age differentials?

[pbf]

Isn't this a simple explanation for the crisis? A hashkafic mismatch between the genders rather than blaming it on age differentials?

I think the 'crisis' is due to many factors, but I do believe this is one of them (my personal belief is that a lot of is rooted in the school system and it may not be an actual mismatch but that's another story)

See my older post here

[jye]

Isn't this a simple explanation for the crisis? A hashkafic mismatch between the genders rather than blaming it on wonky stuff like age differentials?

It could be a factor but if that were the explanation you would see a huge number of working class boys equal to the number of girls unable to get dates or marry, the hashkafic mismatch counterparts. I’m not seeing classes of 29 year old boys where one third can’t get anyone to marry them.

[imayid2]

My parents are very involved in the Shidduch scene.

In their opinion a factor that plays out is that girls who’ve been working a few years and more “out there” have a hard time appreciating the lest “sophisticated” guy who spend his day in the beis medrash.

But she needs a “long time learner”, so this becomes an issue.

[pbf]

My parents are very involved in the Shidduch scene.

In their opinion a factor that plays out is that girls who’ve been working a few years and more “out there” have a hard time appreciating the lest “sophisticated” guy who spend his day in the beis medrash.

But she needs a “long time learner”, so this becomes an issue.

Def a factor

[jye]

My parents are very involved in the Shidduch scene.

In their opinion a factor that plays out is that girls who’ve been working a few years and more “out there” have a hard time appreciating the lest “sophisticated” guy who spend his day in the beis medrash.

But she needs a “long time learner”, so this becomes an issue.

You mean that is compounding the crisis? In order to get to the point of working a few years and being out there, they need to be unable to get married for several years in the first place.

[avromie7]

You mean that is compounding the crisis? In order to get to the point of working a few years and being out there, they need to be unable to get married for several years in the first place.

There are many reasons a girl can be working for a few years.

[jye]

There are many reasons a girl can be working for a few years.

Mostly because they are waiting for older sisters who are having a hard time getting married (Yep, Shidduch crisis). The small subset who purposely aren’t going out for a few years are not representative of the typical girl. Hence imayid2 is describing a factor COMPOUNDING the crisis, not causing it.

[avromie7]

Mostly because they are waiting for older sisters who are having a hard time getting married (Yep, Shidduch crisis). The small subset who purposely aren’t going out for a few years are not representative of the typical girl. Hence imayid2 is describing a factor COMPOUNDING the crisis, not causing it.

Many wait for all or part of the first year out of seminary. Many are not emotionally ready to get married right away even if they started dating.

[Jellybelly]

Isn't this a simple explanation for the crisis? A hashkafic mismatch between the genders rather than blaming it on wonky stuff like age differentials?

I’ve been saying this for years!
One way to find out would be, to not only count the boys of marriageable age that are learning in BMG, but count all boys of marriageable age and see if the gap between the amount of  boys and girls are closer.

[aygart]

It could be a factor but if that were the explanation you would see a huge number of working class boys equal to the number of girls unable to get dates or marry, the hashkafic mismatch counterparts. I’m not seeing classes of 29 year old boys where one third can’t get anyone to marry them.

Are the girls classes that are 1/3 unmarried offset by other girls classes that have a higher percent married? How many girls are there in a class vs how many boys? I can off the top of my head think of a bunch of guys who were in yeshiva with me and aren't married.

[aygart]

It could be a factor but if that were the explanation you would see a huge number of working class boys equal to the number of girls unable to get dates or marry, the hashkafic mismatch counterparts. I’m not seeing classes of 29 year old boys where one third can’t get anyone to marry them.

I've heard from a whole slew of parents that they have difficulty with shidduchim for their working boy. Maybe there are a whole slew of working boys who are still single at older ages but you just don't see them around. Do you have any data to back up your implication that there aren't?

[flyingace]

I've heard from a whole slew of parents that they have difficulty with shidduchim for their working boy. Maybe there are a whole slew of working boys who are still single at older ages but you just don't see them around. Do you have any data to back up your implication that there aren't?

I did not find that with my working/school son. I found that there are quality girls who are looking for solid working guys.  But they do not necessarily want guys who are "cool", for lack of a better word. They want clean, frum young men who are not into the wrong stuff.

[jye]

Maybe there are a whole slew of working boys who are still single at older ages but you just don't see them around. Do you have any data to back up your implication that there aren't?

Unmarried working boys equal to the total number of unmarried girls? In my sons grades not close, not even by a long shot. Maybe just my sons school? BTW when looking for Shidduchim for my two working  boy (generous description) nephews there are many girls coming up.

[aygart]

Unmarried working boys equal to the total number of unmarried girls? In my sons grades not close, not even by a long shot. Maybe just my sons school? BTW when looking for Shidduchim for my two working  boy (generous description) nephews there are many girls coming up.

You need to look past what is right in front of your eyes. If the big issue is out of town, then don't focus your anecdotes on Lakewood working boys. I will repeat again, anything having to do with names mentioned is not at all indicative of an issue with getting them married, yet you keep going to that.

 I had many more names for my college/working boy than for my "learning boy" daughter when they were both in shidduchim at the same time, but had more appropriate names in the few for my daughter than in the entire list for my son.

[avromie7]

I had many more names for my college/working boy than for my "learning boy" daughter when they were both in shidduchim at the same time, but had more appropriate names in the few for my daughter than in the entire list for my son.

I think there is a very simple explanation for this that everyone is overlooking. I'm making up numbers here, so don't nitpick at them. If on average a boy gets 20 resumes per year and says no to 3/4 of them, every girl will get 5 resumes per year. This makes some feel there are more options for the boys, in reality, the girl doesn't know about most shidduchim they were redt.

[avromie7]

Unmarried working boys equal to the excess number of unmarried girls? In my sons grades not close, not even by a long shot. Maybe just my sons school? BTW when looking for Shidduchim for my two working  boy (generous description) nephews there are many girls coming up.

FTFY

[jye]

FTFY

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