Marry Young / Shidduch Crisis

[Dan]

I was married when I was 31. I am glad I did not make this decision when I was 21 or it would be a good bet I would be added to the divorce statistics.

Again, when everyone in the community has common goals and ideals, the concept of getting married young isn't nearly as daunting.  It's just a matter of finding someone who you are attracted to physically and mentally and making it work.

[HelpMe]

It's just a matter of finding someone who you are attracted to physically and mentally...

Easy part...

...and making it work.

...hard part. 

[Dan]

Easy part...
...hard part. 

Nobody will ever claim it's not hard, but when everyone has more or less the same ideals/goals/lifestyle it makes it a whole lot easier to find a match and make the marriage work than when 2 strangers meet in a bar or online and hope to find someone with the same ideals/goals/lifestyle.

[Chaikel]

Why so? Which circles are you referring to?

Out of religious Jewish circles

[SuperFlyer]

When parents are not involved (helping out), as Dan puts it, to people meet and get attracted to one another, only sometimes to realize that the other person might be less matching than you thought, or just not too nice of a person, but being attracted blinds.

However, say a mother that advises her son, is most likely not going to feel attracted to the girl (+ has more experience), and sees more objectively.

[Dan]

Out of religious Jewish circles

Lol...should've said outside of our circles.

[Chaikel]

Lol...should've said outside of our circles.

I did

[AJK]

On the same note all of these girls are orthodox because this is what they were born into. To say that a girl at the age of 20 is still religious because of the social norm is a sad thought. I have a little bit more faith in the free choice of people and hope the society they live in is inline with their beliefs and feelings on life. Still you have a valid point and the argument of devils advocate is a strong one that is, if these same people meaning you and me, were not born into orthodox homes would we be living the same lifestyle? probably not but I like to think I would have found this way of life. So I suppose I cut the line a bit to fine, and yet it has to be drawn somewhere...

You put stock in free choice, which is fine and dandy, and one in which I fully believe to be a fundamental tenet of our religion and reward and punishment . However, and this may be AJK the cynical, but I believe that a large part of the reason our orthodox Jewish youth remain that way is... inertia. Yes, some people are indeed making the choice to be and stay orthodox. However, it isn't so simple to make the "free choice" to leave your community, friends, family and organizations in favor of a more "liberal" lifestyle, especially when those institutions are ultra-sectarian, e.g. Satmar.

My guess is that you'd be shocked at the number of teens and 20s--indeed any age demographic--who hold themselves out to be in line with socially- and religiously-accepted norms, but act completely contrary to those ideals when beyond the purview of their ever-judging community. Unfortunate, but true.

[HelpMe]

It seems to me that in nearly all marriages out of our circles, the parents have no say in the matter.

There are many cultures/countries/religious sects were the marriages are still prearranged.

[Chaikel]

There are many cultures/countries/religious sects were the marriages are still prearranged.

True, but I was referring to non-prearranged marriages. ie where the bride and groom have a say in the matter

[Avid Reader]

Out of religious Jewish circles

Lol, I totally misread you to mean all marriages coming out of our circles...
Per Dan, outside would've been more clear.

[Avid Reader]

I found Falling in Love for All the Right Reasons to be an excellent book on compatibility. He looks at 27 different areas people should consider when looking into a spouse. Great book in my opinion (and no, it's not the bible...).

---------------------------------------------
begin rant/

I'm still waiting for the day when Yeshivos will start educating age appropriate Bochurim on marriage issues, specifically what to look for / look out for as far as being compatible.

Rabbis put so much time and effort into trying to keep shaky marriages together. But they invest almost no time in ensuring that marriages are right to begin with.

/end rant

[mclovin]

dont know what yeshivas you have experience with but the ones i know are very willing and do talk to guys about it, usually 1 on 1

[Dan]

begin rant/

I'm still waiting for the day when Yeshivos will start educating age appropriate Bochurim on marriage issues, specifically what to look for / look out for as far as being compatible.

Rabbis put so much time and effort into trying to keep shaky marriages together. But they invest almost no time in ensuring that marriages are right to begin with.

/end rant

Couldn't agree more with regard to chabad yeshivas (the only ones I can speak for).  It's shameful IMHO that some time while in the yeshiva/shlichus/smicha system isn't spent on important life topics like dating/marriage, public speaking/writing, finances, etc.

[Chaikel]

Couldn't agree more with regard to chabad yeshivas (the only ones I can speak for).  It's shameful IMHO that some time while in the yeshiva/shlichus/smicha system isn't spent on important life topics like dating/marriage, public speaking/writing, finances, etc.

Seems to be the same in all the [non-chabad] yeshivos I know of. Not to mention girls schools/Seminaries

[Avid Reader]

The girls in Chabad seminaries do get some marriage education, but fairly little I think (never been to one myself )

[Cbs]

The girls in Chabad seminaries do get some marriage education, but fairly little I think (never been to one myself )

thats what ive heard as well 1st hand from someone. its not enough what they teach

[Avid Reader]

It's shameful IMHO that some time while in the yeshiva/shlichus/smicha system isn't spent on important life topics like dating/marriage, public speaking/writing, finances, etc.

+1

This looks interesting, and I think a first for CH: http://www.collive.com/show_news.rtx?id=18630&alias=young-entrepreneurs-to-gather

[PlatinumGuy]

I am waiting for a 'help: where can I get a deal (cb) on geirus?' thread

[Ergel]

I am waiting for a 'help: where can I get a deal (cb) on geirus?' thread

Somehow I don't think so