Author Topic: Best one-liners  (Read 200429 times)

Offline yeshivaman

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Re: Best one-liners
« Reply #40 on: June 23, 2010, 09:42:51 PM »
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
i wish i knew what i was doing...

Offline Chaikel

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Re: Best one-liners
« Reply #41 on: June 30, 2010, 08:12:09 PM »
If life gives you lemons make lemonade. Then find someone whose life gave them vodka, and have yourself a party
-Ron White
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Offline zalman123

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Re: Best one-liners
« Reply #42 on: July 01, 2010, 11:26:54 AM »
"pain in weakness leaving the body"

Offline youG

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Re: Best one-liners
« Reply #43 on: July 01, 2010, 02:13:52 PM »
I'm always right except for once when I thought I was wrong!!

Offline Avid Reader

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Re: Best one-liners
« Reply #44 on: July 01, 2010, 03:05:21 PM »
I'm always right except for once when I thought I was wrong!!

 ;D

Offline whYME

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Re: Best one-liners
« Reply #45 on: July 11, 2010, 10:52:33 PM »
Whoever said nothing is impossible obviously never tried slamming a revolving door.

Offline Yellow

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Re: Best one-liners
« Reply #46 on: July 12, 2010, 02:30:07 AM »
Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive

Offline MarkS

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Re: Best one-liners
« Reply #47 on: July 12, 2010, 09:09:33 AM »
Sign outside a Liquor store:   We  De-liver!
« Last Edit: July 12, 2010, 09:13:49 AM by MarkS »

Offline whYME

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Re: Best one-liners
« Reply #48 on: July 12, 2010, 10:15:07 AM »
If "winners never quit" & "quitters never win" who is the genius who said "quit while you're ahead"?

Offline Avid Reader

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Re: Best one-liners
« Reply #49 on: July 21, 2010, 08:42:48 AM »
Signs in some stores:

"Nobody is perfect, but someone has to do it".

"The deadline for all complains was yesterday".

"What part of NO don't you understand?"

"Our prices are based on obtaining quality products and giving you outstanding customer service. If you ask us for a discount, which one of these do you want us to take out?"
« Last Edit: July 21, 2010, 08:47:40 AM by Avid Reader »

Offline zalman123

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Re: Best one-liners
« Reply #50 on: July 22, 2010, 03:16:32 PM »
"Education's purpose is to replace an empty mind with an open one".  "The world can't end today, because its already tomorrow in Australia"

Offline Chaikel

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Re: Best one-liners
« Reply #51 on: July 22, 2010, 03:26:00 PM »
"The world can't end today, because its already tomorrow in Australia"
Sucks for Australians
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Offline Chaikel

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Re: Best one-liners
« Reply #52 on: August 03, 2010, 10:43:12 AM »
"A woman from Washington is suing American Airlines for 5 million dollars after they lost her luggage. When the airline said that's a ridiculous amount of money for luggage, she was like, 'Now you know how we feel.'"

-Jimmy Fallon
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Offline mancunian

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Re: Best one-liners
« Reply #53 on: August 09, 2010, 03:01:27 PM »
Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back

Sometimes you lend someone twenty bucks and you never see them again. Sometimes its worth it.

Offline mancunian

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Re: Best one-liners
« Reply #54 on: August 10, 2010, 01:36:56 AM »
Everyone has their place in the world. Without fertalizer the grass wont grow green.

heard from b.s. c. from california

Offline Yellow

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Re: Best one-liners
« Reply #55 on: August 16, 2010, 05:20:26 PM »
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Offline Avid Reader

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Re: Best one-liners
« Reply #56 on: August 16, 2010, 05:24:19 PM »
Parachutes for sale with lifetime guarantee: If it fails to open you get your money back.

Offline SuperFlyer

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Re: Best one-liners
« Reply #57 on: August 16, 2010, 07:41:09 PM »
I guess lifetime in the above applies to the guy/victim(/patient) taking the jump...

Offline Avid Reader

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Re: Best one-liners
« Reply #58 on: August 16, 2010, 09:57:06 PM »
Exactly!

Offline SuperFlyer

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Re: Best one-liners
« Reply #59 on: August 17, 2010, 07:44:03 PM »
The  Eternal Jewish Truths of Your Grandmother’s Talmud     

Some might be old, but still a must.                                                                                                           

 
  • The optimist sees the bagel, the pessimist sees the hole.
  • If you can’t say something nice, say it in Yiddish.
  • If it tastes good, it’s probably not Kosher.
  • None looks good in a yarmulke .
  • Why spoil a good meal with a big tip?
  • Gentiles  leave and never say goodbye, Jews say goodbye and never leave.
  • Twenty percent off is a bargain; fifty percent off is a mitzvah.
  • Israel is the land of milk and honey; New York City is the area of milk of Magnesia. 
  • Its always a bad hair day if you’re bald.
  • None leaves a Jewish wedding hungry but then again, none leaves with a hangover.
  • The High Holidays have absolutely nothing tdwith marijuana.
  • What’s swrong with dry turkey?
  • Always whisper the names of diseases.
  • One Mitzvah can change the world; twwill just make you tired.
  • If you don’t eat, it will kill me.
  • Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.
  • Where there’s smoke, there may be smoked salmon.
  • Never take a front row seat at a bris.
  • Next year in Jerusalem, the year after that, how about a nice cruise?
  • Never leave a restaurant empty handed.
  • A bad matzoh ball makes a good paperweight.
  • A schmata is a dress that your husband’s ex is wearing.
  • Without Jewish mothers, whwould need therapy?
  • Before you read the menu, read the prices.
  • There comes a time in every man’s life when he must stand up and tell his mother he’s an adult. This usually happens at around 45.
  • According tJewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants.
  • Tsouris is a Yiddish word that means your child is marrying someone whisn’t Jewish.
  • If you’re going twhisper at the movies, make sure it’s loud enough for everyone to hear
  • What business is a yenta in?   Yours.
  • If you have task the price, you can’t afford it…..
  • But if you can afford it, make sure you tell everybody what you paid.
  • Never pay retail