Author Topic: Best one-liners (Read 202655 times)

L'Chaim · « **Reply #180 on:** August 10, 2012, 11:45:42 AM »

“If death meant just leaving the stage long enough to change costume and come back as a new character...
Would you slow down? Or speed up?”

AsherO · « **Reply #181 on:** August 15, 2012, 08:27:46 AM »

Heard in shul this AM:

You know you're having a bad Friday when you realize it's actually Wednesday.

jj1000 · « **Reply #182 on:** August 15, 2012, 10:31:34 AM »

Concentration comes out of a combination of confidence and hunger.

PlatinumGuy · « **Reply #183 on:** August 15, 2012, 10:43:10 AM »

Quote from: AsherO on August 15, 2012, 08:27:46 AM

Heard in shul this AM:

You know you're having a bad Friday when you realize it's actually Wednesday.

So true...

AsherO · « **Reply #184 on:** August 20, 2012, 03:57:11 PM »

Why drink and drive, when you can smoke and fly?

Why smoke and fly, when you can sniff and soar?

Jkhein · « **Reply #185 on:** August 20, 2012, 04:28:45 PM »

Finally.... Gosh were you appreciative.:-)

jj1000 · « **Reply #186 on:** August 20, 2012, 06:16:41 PM »

Quote from: AsherO on August 20, 2012, 03:57:11 PM

Why drink and drive, when you can smoke and fly?

Why smoke and fly, when you can sniff and soar?

A recovering addict could take offence to that.

AsherO · « **Reply #187 on:** August 20, 2012, 06:53:58 PM »

Quote from: jj1000 on August 20, 2012, 06:16:41 PM

A recovering addict could take offence to that.

Well, then I apologize in advance.

Does this count as a one-liner:

LOST: my Patience, Temper & Sanity
IF FOUND, PLEASE HANDLE W/ CARE: these are well worn (abused?) & very fragile

AsherO · « **Reply #188 on:** August 21, 2012, 06:28:00 PM »

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

The second half isn't nearly as funny IMHO.

Then I filled my humidifier with wax, and now my room is all shiny.

L'Chaim · « **Reply #189 on:** August 25, 2012, 05:17:05 PM »

I used to be indecisive...
But now I'm not sure...
-Boscoe Pertwee

You know your getting old when everything hurts and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.
-Bob Hope

Avid Reader · « **Reply #190 on:** September 02, 2012, 01:24:28 AM »

If you put the federal government in charge of the Sahara Desert, in 5 years there'd be a shortage of sand. - Milton Friedman

ShmuliT · « **Reply #191 on:** September 02, 2012, 03:01:54 AM »

"In G-d we trust, everyone else pays cash!"

doodley · « **Reply #192 on:** September 03, 2012, 01:09:52 AM »

"If I wanted a a**holes opinion I'd fart

meshugener · « **Reply #193 on:** September 06, 2012, 02:23:47 PM »

A broken clock is right twice a day.
Bill Clinton - yesterday at the convention.

Achas Veachas · « **Reply #194 on:** September 06, 2012, 04:40:00 PM »

Save the earth, it's the only planet that has chocolate

Achas Veachas · « **Reply #195 on:** September 06, 2012, 04:40:54 PM »

Saw this bumper sticker a few years ago:
Sarah Palin 2012
(What do I care, the world is coming to an end anyways)

smurf · « **Reply #196 on:** September 07, 2012, 12:09:01 AM »

Killing time is tantamount to committing suicide in increments.
"Today" is yesterday's "I'll do it tomorrow"

Dan · « **Reply #197 on:** September 20, 2012, 01:32:45 PM »

"If someone can just let the Arab world know that Bush is no longer our President, then all the anti-American demonstrations would cease immediately!"
-@shmulyt

RJ898 · « **Reply #198 on:** September 20, 2012, 02:56:25 PM »

Jesus loves you. Everyone else thinks you're an asshole.

meshugener · « **Reply #199 on:** September 20, 2012, 03:06:00 PM »

Not true.
I know he hates me.