The truth about children - Warning: Controversial

[benjie1305]

So, this is a funny conversation my wife and I recently had and after having it did I only start actually thinking about it.

I have a 2.5 year old daughter. She doesn't always do what I want and I think that to a certain degree that is ok and she can have her own opinion. However, I recently realized how well reverse psychology works on her. "Don't sit nicely! No, no, no. You are not allowed to sit nicely at the table" Next thing I know, all she can do is sit nicely. This applies to eating certain foods, playing with certain toys, going to brush her teeth etc.

While I love how I can get her to do the stuff I want and need her to do my wife started disliking it bc what, according to her, it essentially does is make her (want to) misbehave more bc in actuality she is not listening to me.

Not sure what to think about it. Be happy I can get her to do the stuff I want her to do or empower her to not listen..

I am a bit torn and would love to hear some similar experiences and how they were dealt with.

[lunatic]

So, this is a funny conversation my wife and I recently had and after having it did I only start actually thinking about it.

I have a 2.5 year old daughter. She doesn't always do what I want and I think that to a certain degree that is ok and she can have her own opinion. However, I recently realized how well reverse psychology works on her. "Don't sit nicely! No, no, no. You are not allowed to sit nicely at the table" Next thing I know, all she can do is sit nicely. This applies to eating certain foods, playing with certain toys, going to brush her teeth etc.

While I love how I can get her to do the stuff I want and need her to do my wife started disliking it bc what, according to her, it essentially does is make her (want to) misbehave more bc in actuality she is not listening to me.

Not sure what to think about it. Be happy I can get her to do the stuff I want her to do or empower her to not listen..

I am a bit torn and would love to hear some similar experiences and how they were dealt with.

I  actually have a 2.5 year old who is exactly like this,  and I had the same thoughts....  What I decided was,  instead of saying "you can't eat.." we say "you don't know how"  or something like that

[benjie1305]

I  actually have a 2.5 year old who is exactly like this,  and I had the same thoughts....  What I decided was,  instead of saying "you can't eat.." we say "you don't know how"  or something like that

Hmm. I do agree that I like that better. Sends a completely different message. Ill try that tomorrow and report back! Thx

[skyguy918]

So, this is a funny conversation my wife and I recently had and after having it did I only start actually thinking about it.

I have a 2.5 year old daughter. She doesn't always do what I want and I think that to a certain degree that is ok and she can have her own opinion. However, I recently realized how well reverse psychology works on her. "Don't sit nicely! No, no, no. You are not allowed to sit nicely at the table" Next thing I know, all she can do is sit nicely. This applies to eating certain foods, playing with certain toys, going to brush her teeth etc.

While I love how I can get her to do the stuff I want and need her to do my wife started disliking it bc what, according to her, it essentially does is make her (want to) misbehave more bc in actuality she is not listening to me.

Not sure what to think about it. Be happy I can get her to do the stuff I want her to do or empower her to not listen..

I am a bit torn and would love to hear some similar experiences and how they were dealt with.

Don't worry too much one way or the other. It's a phase, they get wise eventually

[lunatic]

Hmm. I do agree that I like that better. Sends a completely different message. Ill try that tomorrow and report back! Thx

But it does not work quite as well...

[ckmk47]

I  actually have a 2.5 year old who is exactly like this,  and I had the same thoughts....  What I decided was,  instead of saying "you can't eat.." we say "you don't know how"  or something like that

See if you can transition to "I wonder if you can.."  so she can prove to you that she can.  And then it's positive all the way around.

[Sport]

So, this is a funny conversation my wife and I recently had and after having it did I only start actually thinking about it.

I have a 2.5 year old daughter. She doesn't always do what I want and I think that to a certain degree that is ok and she can have her own opinion. However, I recently realized how well reverse psychology works on her. "Don't sit nicely! No, no, no. You are not allowed to sit nicely at the table" Next thing I know, all she can do is sit nicely. This applies to eating certain foods, playing with certain toys, going to brush her teeth etc.

While I love how I can get her to do the stuff I want and need her to do my wife started disliking it bc what, according to her, it essentially does is make her (want to) misbehave more bc in actuality she is not listening to me.

Not sure what to think about it. Be happy I can get her to do the stuff I want her to do or empower her to not listen..

I am a bit torn and would love to hear some similar experiences and how they were dealt with.

I know I'm probably gonna be on an island here but are you bothered by the fact that you are using This trick getting her to do what you want; essentially controlling her.

[benjie1305]

I know I'm probably gonna be on an island here but are you bothered by the fact that you are using This trick getting her to do what you want; essentially controlling her.

Yes - she doesnt know it all yet. She needs to brush her teeth, go to bed at a certain time, eat dinner etc.

I make her do them bc that is something I cant just leave up to her and not for the control I get to exercise. I am just looking for some better ways of conveying this information to her. But i've read some good thought processes here.

[Sport]

Yes - she doesnt know it all yet. She needs to brush her teeth, go to bed at a certain time, eat dinner etc.

I make her do them bc that is something I cant just leave up to her and not for the control I get to exercise. I am just looking for some better ways of conveying this information to her. But i've read some good thought processes here.

Of course there are things that are non negotiable. Don't get me wrong i use these tactics and incentives etc..all the time. But when i do a I. sometimes feel like I'm quelling my kid.
As a parent i find there are no limits to the amount of opportunities i have to "control" my kids. So i try to limit these tactics.

[benjie1305]

Of course there are things that are non negotiable. Don't get me wrong i use these tactics and incentives etc..all the time. But when i do a I. sometimes feel like I'm quelling my kid.
As a parent i find there are no limits to the amount of opportunities i have to "control" my kids. So i try to limit these tactics.

Agreed. I don't try to exercise control whenever I can. She learns her own lessons and makes her own decisions. I only intervene when it has to be or to teach a more long term lesson that I deem important.

My question was more along the lines of what strategy ppl use to do that (rather then when or for what) as this new one I tried worked but left me with a bit of a wrong gut feeling.

[Mordyk]

One major thing i have learned since i have children is that you cant always exactly control your kids.  I always looked at my sister that she cant control her kids because her son is so wild and takes toys away from kids.  My daughter is now almost two and does the same sometimes. We do try to somewhat  discipline her when she does that.   We really explain to her how its not right but as a girl that stay home the whole day and plays with her own toys she is not that used to sharing. kids are born with characteristics that takes a long time to shape. Dont always judge the parents on a childs behavior

[benjie1305]

One major thing i have learned since i have children is that you cant always exactly control your kids.  I always looked at my sister that she cant control her kids because her son is so wild and takes toys away from kids.  My daughter is now almost two and does the same sometimes. We do try to somewhat  discipline her when she does that.   We really explain to her how its not right but as a girl that stay home the whole day and plays with her own toys she is not that used to sharing. kids are born with characteristics that takes a long time to shape. Dont always judge the parents on a childs behavior

Lol! I think its hilarious when we all have play dates or Shabbes meals and 2 kids are misbehaving in that fashion.

Parent A to his kid: " Share the toys, its not nice to take them"
Parent B to Parent A: " No, no, no. They need to learn how to share. Your kid should play with them"

A vicious cycle that never ends .. 

[Sport]

Agreed. I don't try to exercise control whenever I can. She learns her own lessons and makes her own decisions. I only intervene when it has to be or to teach a more long term lesson that I deem important.

My question was more along the lines of what strategy ppl use to do that (rather then when or for what) as this new one I tried worked but left me with a bit of a wrong gut feeling.

Ok fair enough, except I would think that t when it comes to teaching the long term lessons is when i would be most inclined to not use this tactics as they divert from the actually lesson. It's these lessons that I want my children to comprehend, internalize and ultimately decide how and when to implement. 

[Sport]

One major thing i have learned since i have children is that you cant always exactly control your kids.  I always looked at my sister that she cant control her kids because her son is so wild and takes toys away from kids.  My daughter is now almost two and does the same sometimes. We do try to somewhat  discipline her when she does that.   We really explain to her how its not right but as a girl that stay home the whole day and plays with her own toys she is not that used to sharing. kids are born with characteristics that takes a long time to shape. Dont always judge the parents on a childs behavior

+1 I hate to say it because I feel like my mom but you can't understand  until you have your own children.

[benjie1305]

Ok fair enough, except I would think that t when it comes to teaching the long term lessons is when i would be most inclined to not use this tactics as they divert from the actually lesson. It's these lessons that I want my children to comprehend, internalize and ultimately decide how and when to implement.

Yes. Thus me trying to find a better way of doing it. Even after short term success, I am not happy with the method and am looking for better ways of giving over the lessons.

[JoeCha]

I know I'm probably gonna be on an island here but are you bothered by the fact that you are using This trick getting her to do what you want; essentially controlling her.

So what do you do when your kid doesn't want to go to bed and it's almost midnight?

[Sport]

So what do you do when your kid doesn't want to go to bed and it's almost midnight?

Explain that it's very late and she will be very tired tomorrow at school if she doesn't go to sleep now. It works all the time......


Jk/I wish

The real answer is, As i said above, there are plenty If Times that I do these tactics but my perspective on parenting is to limit this as much As possible. Even with that I probably spend a good portion of my parenting time "controlling" my kids.

[ckmk47]

So what do you do when your kid doesn't want to go to bed and it's almost midnight?

Sometimes we have to go back to our parents/ grandparents method of "Do it because I said so!"  Many things cannot be explained and reasoned with a small child. And crying IS allowed - not preferred, but not to be feared by parents, either.

[benjie1305]

Sometimes we have to go back to our parents/ grandparents method of "Do it because I said so!"  Many things cannot be explained and reasoned with a small child. And crying IS allowed - not preferred, but not to be feared by parents, either.

Agreed. In the instance of going to bed though I don't know if crying works. At least for nap time it never worked on my end. It would just work her up too much and would end very bad. Thank G-d my daughter was always amazing about going to bed at night

[stbaum]

with my 3 year old i make little competitions. for example after storytime on the couch i get up and tell her "i'm so lucky that today i'm going to be the one to turn out the light in your room" she screams NO! and runs to turn it off... it's a cakewalk from there to get her to bed. if she starts acting up during the day and i want her to color or something i tell her "lets see who can color the nicest". these usually work and i don't feel bad for 'tricking' her.