Author Topic: The truth about children - Warning: Controversial  (Read 49097 times)

Offline yehuda S

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The truth about children - Warning: Controversial
« on: January 03, 2013, 06:13:13 PM »
Having a child is really, really, really, difficult, even painful sometimes.

It seems like in the frum community having lots of children is sacrosanct. Speak to people and even if they have a lot of difficulty with their kids, they are quick to assure you that children are a blessing lest they seem ungrateful.

Couples with no or few children are looked upon sadly as though they must be suffering. An infertile couple is made to seem tragic.

If you are a parent who has complained about your child, have you ever quickly retracted the complaint for fear that G-d may take away your child for complaining?

I have one daughter and at times she can make us pretty miserable. I believe lots of couples may be suffering, having been thrust into parenthood without having even a basic idea of what to expect. They are afraid to voice complaints so they won't be seen as ungrateful to G-d or incompetent parents. This is especially true while in the company of single/infertile friends.

I've taken a look around and noticed couples who had one child right after marriage and then waited a looong time before having another. Is this due to the jarring reality of having children?

The sad reality is it's the child who suffers most from an unprepared parent

It's high time this discussion takes place, in my (humble) opinion, and what better place to start it than DDF?

Your thoughts?

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Offline meshugener

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Re: The truth about children - Warning: Controversial
« Reply #1 on: January 03, 2013, 06:17:13 PM »
Having a child is really, really, really, difficult, even painful sometimes.

It seems like in the frum community having lots of children is sacrosanct. Speak to people and even if they have a lot of difficulty with their kids, they are quick to assure you that children are a blessing lest they seem ungrateful.

Couples with no or few children are looked upon sadly as though they must be suffering. An infertile couple is made to seem tragic.

If you are a parent who has complained about your child, have you ever quickly retracted the complaint for fear that G-d may take away your child for complaining?

I have one daughter and at times she can make us pretty miserable. I believe lots of couples may be suffering, having been thrust into parenthood without having even a basic idea of what to expect. They are afraid to voice complaints so they won't be seen as ungrateful to G-d or incompetent parents. This is especially true while in the company of single/infertile friends.

I've taken a look around and noticed couples who had one child right after marriage and then waited a looong time before having another. Is this due to the jarring reality of having children?

The sad reality is it's the child who suffers most from an unprepared parent

It's high time this discussion takes place, in my (humble) opinion, and what better place to start it than DDF?

Your thoughts?
I can assure you that the one who wrote this didn't say the truth when saying:
I have one daughter
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Offline Dan

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Re: The truth about children - Warning: Controversial
« Reply #2 on: January 03, 2013, 06:27:25 PM »
I can assure you that the one who wrote this didn't say the truth when saying:
Huh?
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Offline yehuda S

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Re: The truth about children - Warning: Controversial
« Reply #3 on: January 03, 2013, 06:28:27 PM »
Huh?
+1.

What the heck are you saying?  ???
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Offline meshugener

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Re: The truth about children - Warning: Controversial
« Reply #4 on: January 03, 2013, 06:31:26 PM »
Once you have a child, you don't think so negatively about childrern. period.
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Offline yehuda S

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Re: The truth about children - Warning: Controversial
« Reply #5 on: January 03, 2013, 06:34:58 PM »


Once you have a child, you don't think so negatively about childrern. period.
What did I say that's negative? Are you joking or are you trying to prove my points?
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Offline mmermss

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Re: The truth about children - Warning: Controversial
« Reply #6 on: January 03, 2013, 06:36:07 PM »
Once you have a child, you don't think so negatively about childrern. period.
I did not think the OP was thinking so negatively about children..what I got out is that the OP thinks its very hard to raise and deal with children....especially if you have no preparations and mehalach in chinuch.
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Offline sky121

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Re: The truth about children - Warning: Controversial
« Reply #7 on: January 03, 2013, 06:37:00 PM »
Raising children is one of the hardest things anyone will ever do. I don't think people except how hard it will be. Or let alone how hard marriage will/can be.

On the other hand I am not a fan of those people constantly complaining to the whole world on Facebook or in person about their kids etc. But of course it's healthy to be able to speak to your friends in person of the hard times.


I do agree that there are many people out there having many kids who are overwhelmed but won't admit it to themselves since it's "a blessing".

It most definitely is a very big Bracha to have children. But at the same time raising kids will be one of the hardest things you will ever do.

Being appreciative doesn't mean having to deny the fact that you are having a hard time.
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Offline yehuda S

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Re: The truth about children - Warning: Controversial
« Reply #8 on: January 03, 2013, 06:38:43 PM »
I did not think the OP was thinking so negatively about children..what I got out is that the OP thinks its very hard to raise and deal with children....especially if you have no preparations and mehalach in chinuch.

Exactly. How many people here had some kind of chassan/kallah class before getting married?
Now, how many had a children/chinuch class before having children?
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Offline sky121

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Re: The truth about children - Warning: Controversial
« Reply #9 on: January 03, 2013, 06:40:07 PM »
Exactly. How many people here had some kind of chassan/kallah class before getting married?
Now, how many had a children/chinuch class before having children?

I think there are kind of 2 aspects to it. The chinuch part, and the emotionally and physically taxing part.

"Not all who wander are lost"

Offline Dan

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Re: The truth about children - Warning: Controversial
« Reply #10 on: January 03, 2013, 06:43:41 PM »
Exactly. How many people here had some kind of chassan/kallah class before getting married?
Now, how many had a children/chinuch class before having children?
I think there are kind of 2 aspects to it. The chinuch part, and the emotionally and physically taxing part.
Darn good question.

Then again nothing could've prepared us for 3 months of an ultra-colicky baby.  One of my brothers was apparently colicky for 18 months...I can't even imagine.
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Offline yehuda S

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Re: The truth about children - Warning: Controversial
« Reply #11 on: January 03, 2013, 06:52:31 PM »
Putting our kid to sleep is one of our harder rituals. One day shortly after she was born I realized that I'm going to be doing this practically every single night (in some form) for the next 12 - 15 years. And that's if we don't have more kids. That was a pretty big moment realizing how much our lives had changed. 

And this forum is actually a great place to discuss this. The people here are used to hopping on a plane at the drop of a hat, and you can definitely do that with a spouse. But with a kid it's an upheaval and with two or more its practically impossible. If you don't think makes it even more difficult, well, I don't know what to say.
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Offline sky121

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Re: The truth about children - Warning: Controversial
« Reply #12 on: January 03, 2013, 06:56:07 PM »
Putting our kid to sleep is one of our harder rituals. One day shortly after she was born I realized that I'm going to be doing this practically every single night (in some form) for the next 12 - 15 years. And that's if we don't have more kids. That was a pretty big moment realizing how much our lives had changed. 

And this forum is actually a great place to discuss this. The people here are used to hopping on a plane at the drop of a hat, and you can definitely do that with a spouse. But with a kid it's an upheaval and with two or more its practically impossible. If you don't think makes it even more difficult, well, I don't know what to say.

It's definitely harder with a kid to travel. Some kids travel better than others. And some parents travel better than others. Personality plays a big role in raising kids. Theirs and yours.
"Not all who wander are lost"

Offline sky121

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Re: The truth about children - Warning: Controversial
« Reply #13 on: January 03, 2013, 06:56:39 PM »
Putting our kid to sleep is one of our harder rituals. One day shortly after she was born I realized that I'm going to be doing this practically every single night (in some form) for the next 12 - 15 years. And that's if we don't have more kids. That was a pretty big moment realizing how much our lives had changed. 

And this forum is actually a great place to discuss this. The people here are used to hopping on a plane at the drop of a hat, and you can definitely do that with a spouse. But with a kid it's an upheaval and with two or more its practically impossible. If you don't think makes it even more difficult, well, I don't know what to say.

Things will get easier. (Things will also get harder. But so is life. )
"Not all who wander are lost"

Offline PlatinumGuy

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Re: The truth about children - Warning: Controversial
« Reply #14 on: January 03, 2013, 06:57:04 PM »
Who was the נביא who didn't want to have kids because of inhertided disabilities?
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