Author Topic: another get story..  (Read 21994 times)

Offline Aaaron

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Re: another get story..
« Reply #120 on: November 15, 2013, 10:01:05 AM »
I think the shidduch system works as well for participants that look for a spouse with maturity.  Those who think the superficial facts are the important ones, or that pieces of paper can live happily ever after, may get in trouble.

Agreed.  Although the same thing can be said with FB and the internet.  When they're used maturely, it's not a problem.  However, no matter how mature you are, you can only know a person so well after dating for 3 weeks, then talking 2 twice a week for two months before marriage, then often hopping straight into parenthood.

Offline MnM1130

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Re: another get story..
« Reply #121 on: November 15, 2013, 10:09:21 AM »
Agreed.  Although the same thing can be said with FB and the internet.  When they're used maturely, it's not a problem.  However, no matter how mature you are, you can only know a person so well after dating for 3 weeks, then talking 2 twice a week for two months before marriage, then often hopping straight into parenthood.
even when you know a person for many years- pple still have marriage problems. i dont believe it has what to do with the system- its a matter each person to themselves.

Offline AsherO

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Re: another get story..
« Reply #122 on: November 15, 2013, 10:19:36 AM »
PGF24BMGS

Offline Dan

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Re: another get story..
« Reply #123 on: November 15, 2013, 10:42:55 AM »
Agreed.  Although the same thing can be said with FB and the internet.  When they're used maturely, it's not a problem.  However, no matter how mature you are, you can only know a person so well after dating for 3 weeks, then talking 2 twice a week for two months before marriage, then often hopping straight into parenthood.
Gotta agree here.
Most people research buying a laptop or cell phones more than than date their spouse.

Does the system work? For the most part.
But there are hundreds of people every year who have kids right away, realize they're not compatible only after tying the knot and getting pregnant, and are now in a terrible situation.  It's too easy for someone to hide their anger management issues or even a bipolar disorder while shidduch dating for a couple weeks.

More rabonim are becoming more lenient w/r/t a heter for shana rishonah because of this if the couple asks for one.
Save your time, I don't answer PM. Post it in the forum and a dedicated DDF'er will get back to you as soon as possible.

Offline MarkS

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Re: another get story..
« Reply #124 on: November 15, 2013, 10:45:14 AM »
More rabonim are becoming more lenient w/r/t a heter for shana rishonah because of this if the couple asks for one.
Most people going into marriage can't even fathom that they will have any issues so I don't think it will ever be common for a couple to (even subconsciously) hold off on having kids until they've 'test driven' the spouse and are confident they won't be returning her.

Offline Dan

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Re: another get story..
« Reply #125 on: November 15, 2013, 10:47:04 AM »
Most people going into marriage can't even fathom that they will have any issues
Before I got married I had several classmates and friends go through divorces during their first year.  Do people really not know the statistics these days when going into marriage?
Save your time, I don't answer PM. Post it in the forum and a dedicated DDF'er will get back to you as soon as possible.

Offline ckmk47

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Re: another get story..
« Reply #126 on: November 15, 2013, 10:47:26 AM »
Gotta agree here.
Most people research buying a laptop or cell phones more than than date their spouse.

Does the system work? For the most part.
But there are hundreds of people every year who have kids right away, realize they're not compatible only after tying the knot and getting pregnant, and are now in a terrible situation.  It's too easy for someone to hide their anger management issues or even a bipolar disorder while shidduch dating for a couple weeks.

More rabonim are becoming more lenient w/r/t a heter for shana rishonah because of this if the couple asks for one.
That's where 'information' comes in.  You try, but cannot always accomplish, to find out REAL personality issues before they meet.  Dishonesty, laziness, meanstreak.  These are things that should warrant further review before proceeding.

Offline Dan

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Re: another get story..
« Reply #127 on: November 15, 2013, 10:48:26 AM »
That's where 'information' comes in.  You try, but cannot always accomplish, to find out REAL personality issues before they meet.  Dishonesty, laziness, meanstreak.  These are things that should warrant further review before proceeding.
Those are all things you'll never know unless you do realllllllly good research as those are easy to hide during the actual short dating process.
Save your time, I don't answer PM. Post it in the forum and a dedicated DDF'er will get back to you as soon as possible.

Offline ckmk47

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Re: another get story..
« Reply #128 on: November 15, 2013, 10:48:49 AM »
Most people going into marriage can't even fathom that they will have any issues so I don't think it will ever be common for a couple to (even subconsciously) hold off on having kids until they've 'test driven' the spouse and are confident they won't be returning her.
Anyone who 'test drives' their marriage is not giving their emotions free reign to fall in love and compromise to MAKE a marriage. 

Offline Ergel

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Re: another get story..
« Reply #129 on: November 15, 2013, 10:48:52 AM »
Before I got married I had several classmates and friends go through divorces during their first year.  Do people really not know the statistics these days when going into marriage?
+1
But why is a test drive marriage the solution? Maybe a longer dating process?
Life isn't about checking the boxes. Nobody cares.

Offline CountValentine

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Re: another get story..
« Reply #130 on: November 15, 2013, 10:51:01 AM »
Maybe a longer dating process?
This seems reasonable. Why the rush?
If you want to vote Democrat, you are being very disloyal to Jewish people and very disloyal to Israel, Mr. Trump said.

Offline ckmk47

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Re: another get story..
« Reply #131 on: November 15, 2013, 10:52:11 AM »
Those are all things you'll never know unless you do realllllllly good research as those are easy to hide during the actual short dating process.
Agreed.  That's why even those who've done good research still sometimes get a really bad apple.

But sometimes they were not really suited to each other.  And those marriages could have been avoided by being clearer with each other during the , even short, dating process.  Even those can sometimes be made to work out well for each party if they're willing to give it their all.

Offline Dan

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Re: another get story..
« Reply #132 on: November 15, 2013, 10:54:26 AM »
+1
But why is a test drive marriage the solution? Maybe a longer dating process?
First of all I disagree with the test drive term.
Pregnancy adds a huge amount of stress into a marriage.  The girl is throwing up, feels fat, is lethargic, etc, etc.  Instead of spending time learning to know each other it's spent being nauseous.

Perhaps if those same couples that had issues during their first year when the wife was pregnant would not have issues learning to become a couple without that added stress.

Learning to become a couple is a challenge for most people, it's stressful.  Adding the stress of pregnancy and the stress of a baby on top of that all in the first year is what breaks many marriages that could otherwise survive.

Second of all if someone can hide those qualities for 3 weeks can they not hide them for 6?
It's not so much a test drive as making sure there aren't demons hiding that will cause decades of pain to yourselves and offspring.
Save your time, I don't answer PM. Post it in the forum and a dedicated DDF'er will get back to you as soon as possible.

Offline MarkS

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Re: another get story..
« Reply #133 on: November 15, 2013, 10:59:59 AM »
Before I got married I had several classmates and friends go through divorces during their first year.  Do people really not know the statistics these days when going into marriage?
They can know it from today till tomorrow but no one thinks that may be them.

Offline Dan

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Re: another get story..
« Reply #134 on: November 15, 2013, 11:01:11 AM »
They can know it from today till tomorrow but no one thinks that may be them.
Then there is something broken.
People should be better educated going into both dating and marriage.
Save your time, I don't answer PM. Post it in the forum and a dedicated DDF'er will get back to you as soon as possible.