Author Topic: another get story..  (Read 21995 times)

Offline Ergel

  • Dansdeals Lifetime 10K Presidential Platinum Elite
  • *******
  • Join Date: Jun 2010
  • Posts: 11429
  • Total likes: 79
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 2
    • View Profile
Re: another get story..
« Reply #135 on: November 15, 2013, 11:01:43 AM »
First of all I disagree with the test drive term.
Pregnancy adds a huge amount of stress into a marriage.  The girl is throwing up, feels fat, is lethargic, etc, etc.  Instead of spending time learning to know each other it's spent being nauseous.

Perhaps if those same couples that had issues during their first year when the wife was pregnant would not have issues learning to become a couple without that added stress.

Learning to become a couple is a challenge for most people, it's stressful.  Adding the stress of pregnancy and the stress of a baby on top of that all in the first year is what breaks many marriages that could otherwise survive.

Second of all if someone can hide those qualities for 3 weeks can they not hide them for 6?
It's not so much a test drive as making sure there aren't demons hiding that will cause decades of pain to yourselves and offspring.
Agreed with all this. Pregnancy definitely adds stress to a new situation. The last paragraph still bothers me a little-the time should be viewed as a relationship building opportunity. Not a vetting process-that should be figured out before, no matter how long it takes
Life isn't about checking the boxes. Nobody cares.

Offline Ergel

  • Dansdeals Lifetime 10K Presidential Platinum Elite
  • *******
  • Join Date: Jun 2010
  • Posts: 11429
  • Total likes: 79
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 2
    • View Profile
Re: another get story..
« Reply #136 on: November 15, 2013, 11:02:29 AM »
And I don't mean to say there won't or shouldn't be divorce
Life isn't about checking the boxes. Nobody cares.

Offline ckmk47

  • Dansdeals Lifetime Presidential Platinum Elite
  • *********
  • Join Date: Aug 2012
  • Posts: 6002
  • Total likes: 127
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 3
  • Gender: Female
    • View Profile
  • Location: brooklyn
Re: another get story..
« Reply #137 on: November 15, 2013, 11:03:10 AM »

 Maybe a longer dating process?
Maybe.  But advocate a stronger, deeper dating process.
 
The first date should not be all 'fluff' without substance.  Get into the basic issues right away.  The dates are not to see if you can have a good time together, they're to see if you can marry each other.

Look for someone you can communicate with. And someone who's goals match yours.
Communication starts on the first date.  Talk about Obamacare, the Yankees, or the benefits of Amazon Prime, for all I care.  But give honest opinions without felling like you have to  hold back  your opinion because you're being judged.
Proceed over the dates to express what kind of life you want to lead, where you're headed in life.  For example, is having a porsche important and why.   Is having a daily shiur important or helping with the family should take precedence.  Are the kids her job or their job?

Offline Dan

  • Administrator
  • Dansdeals Lifetime 50K Presidential Platinum Elite
  • **********
  • Join Date: May 2008
  • Posts: 53612
  • Total likes: 2412
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 16441
  • Gender: Male
    • View Profile
  • Location: CLE
  • Programs: UA Global Services, AA Lifetime Plat, DL Dirt, SPG Plat, Hyatt Diamond, Fairmont Lifetime Plat, Hilton Diamond, Priority Club Plat, Avis Chairman, National EE, Hertz PC
Re: another get story..
« Reply #138 on: November 15, 2013, 11:04:27 AM »
Agreed with all this. Pregnancy definitely adds stress to a new situation. The last paragraph still bothers me a little-the time should be viewed as a relationship building opportunity. Not a vetting process-that should be figured out before, no matter how long it takes
Ideally you're correct.
And yet, see OP.
Some thing just won't come out unless we're talking about year long dating periods which will lead to bigger problems.
Save your time, I don't answer PM. Post it in the forum and a dedicated DDF'er will get back to you as soon as possible.

Offline CountValentine

  • Dansdeals Presidential Platinum Elite
  • ********
  • Join Date: Mar 2013
  • Posts: 4567
  • Total likes: 161
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 0
  • Gender: Male
    • View Profile
  • Location: Poland
  • Programs: DAOTYA
Re: another get story..
« Reply #139 on: November 15, 2013, 11:05:42 AM »
Is it pregnancy that brings stress into the marriage? Or being pregnant at such a young age? I know I am always the oddball but I did not see the stress you are talking about with our first child. If anything it brought us closer together.
If you want to vote Democrat, you are being very disloyal to Jewish people and very disloyal to Israel, Mr. Trump said.

Offline Dan

  • Administrator
  • Dansdeals Lifetime 50K Presidential Platinum Elite
  • **********
  • Join Date: May 2008
  • Posts: 53612
  • Total likes: 2412
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 16441
  • Gender: Male
    • View Profile
  • Location: CLE
  • Programs: UA Global Services, AA Lifetime Plat, DL Dirt, SPG Plat, Hyatt Diamond, Fairmont Lifetime Plat, Hilton Diamond, Priority Club Plat, Avis Chairman, National EE, Hertz PC
Re: another get story..
« Reply #140 on: November 15, 2013, 11:06:21 AM »
Maybe.  But advocate a stronger, deeper dating process.
 
The first date should not be all 'fluff' without substance.  Get into the basic issues right away.  The dates are not to see if you can have a good time together, they're to see if you can marry each other.

Look for someone you can communicate with. And someone who's goals match yours.
Communication starts on the first date.  Talk about Obamacare, the Yankees, or the benefits of Amazon Prime, for all I care.  But give honest opinions without felling like you have to  hold back  your opinion because you're being judged.
Proceed over the dates to express what kind of life you want to lead, where you're headed in life.  For example, is having a porsche important and why.   Is having a daily shiur important or helping with the family should take precedence.  Are the kids her job or their job?
It starts off as fluff because for many guys and girls, shmoozing with the opposite gender isn't something they've done before.
It takes times for that to develop after 20+ years of it being frowned upon.

Also the first date if fluff because you don't want to open up your personal life to someone who will dump you after a single date.  That hurts.
Save your time, I don't answer PM. Post it in the forum and a dedicated DDF'er will get back to you as soon as possible.

Offline Dan

  • Administrator
  • Dansdeals Lifetime 50K Presidential Platinum Elite
  • **********
  • Join Date: May 2008
  • Posts: 53612
  • Total likes: 2412
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 16441
  • Gender: Male
    • View Profile
  • Location: CLE
  • Programs: UA Global Services, AA Lifetime Plat, DL Dirt, SPG Plat, Hyatt Diamond, Fairmont Lifetime Plat, Hilton Diamond, Priority Club Plat, Avis Chairman, National EE, Hertz PC
Re: another get story..
« Reply #141 on: November 15, 2013, 11:06:48 AM »
Is it pregnancy that brings stress into the marriage? Or being pregnant at such a young age? I know I am always the oddball but I did not see the stress you are talking about with our first child. If anything it brought us closer together.
And how long did you know your wife before tying the knot?
Save your time, I don't answer PM. Post it in the forum and a dedicated DDF'er will get back to you as soon as possible.

Offline ckmk47

  • Dansdeals Lifetime Presidential Platinum Elite
  • *********
  • Join Date: Aug 2012
  • Posts: 6002
  • Total likes: 127
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 3
  • Gender: Female
    • View Profile
  • Location: brooklyn
Re: another get story..
« Reply #142 on: November 15, 2013, 11:08:09 AM »
And how long did you know your wife before tying the knot?
How long were you married before you had your first?

Offline CountValentine

  • Dansdeals Presidential Platinum Elite
  • ********
  • Join Date: Mar 2013
  • Posts: 4567
  • Total likes: 161
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 0
  • Gender: Male
    • View Profile
  • Location: Poland
  • Programs: DAOTYA
Re: another get story..
« Reply #143 on: November 15, 2013, 11:08:56 AM »
And how long did you know your wife before tying the knot?
IIRC just short of seven years.
If you want to vote Democrat, you are being very disloyal to Jewish people and very disloyal to Israel, Mr. Trump said.

Offline CountValentine

  • Dansdeals Presidential Platinum Elite
  • ********
  • Join Date: Mar 2013
  • Posts: 4567
  • Total likes: 161
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 0
  • Gender: Male
    • View Profile
  • Location: Poland
  • Programs: DAOTYA
Re: another get story..
« Reply #144 on: November 15, 2013, 11:09:34 AM »
How long were you married before you had your first?
Two years almost to the day.
If you want to vote Democrat, you are being very disloyal to Jewish people and very disloyal to Israel, Mr. Trump said.

Offline Dan

  • Administrator
  • Dansdeals Lifetime 50K Presidential Platinum Elite
  • **********
  • Join Date: May 2008
  • Posts: 53612
  • Total likes: 2412
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 16441
  • Gender: Male
    • View Profile
  • Location: CLE
  • Programs: UA Global Services, AA Lifetime Plat, DL Dirt, SPG Plat, Hyatt Diamond, Fairmont Lifetime Plat, Hilton Diamond, Priority Club Plat, Avis Chairman, National EE, Hertz PC
Re: another get story..
« Reply #145 on: November 15, 2013, 11:15:15 AM »
IIRC just short of seven years.
Exactly.
It's the combination of being with someone who you've only spent a couple weeks with plus being pregnant that is stressful.  When you know and love the person it's not stressful.

But we don't don't marry for love.  We marry for compatibility and then the love develops naturally.
Personally I think it's a nice thing to wait for it to develop before having kids but many Rabbis would consider that sacrilege.  Then again that's what causes stories like the OP.
Save your time, I don't answer PM. Post it in the forum and a dedicated DDF'er will get back to you as soon as possible.

Offline CountValentine

  • Dansdeals Presidential Platinum Elite
  • ********
  • Join Date: Mar 2013
  • Posts: 4567
  • Total likes: 161
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 0
  • Gender: Male
    • View Profile
  • Location: Poland
  • Programs: DAOTYA
Re: another get story..
« Reply #146 on: November 15, 2013, 11:17:45 AM »
Personally I think it's a nice thing to wait for it to develop before having kids but many Rabbis would consider that sacrilege.
That is what I was wondering. Do they feel the same if you dated for a year?
If you want to vote Democrat, you are being very disloyal to Jewish people and very disloyal to Israel, Mr. Trump said.

Offline Ergel

  • Dansdeals Lifetime 10K Presidential Platinum Elite
  • *******
  • Join Date: Jun 2010
  • Posts: 11429
  • Total likes: 79
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 2
    • View Profile
Re: another get story..
« Reply #147 on: November 15, 2013, 11:19:27 AM »
Exactly.
It's the combination of being with someone who you've only spent a couple weeks with plus being pregnant that is stressful.  When you know and love the person it's not stressful.
-1
I still think it's stressful if you have four kids running around and you're wife is stuck in bed/head over the toilet and a hormonal wreck
Life isn't about checking the boxes. Nobody cares.

Offline Dan

  • Administrator
  • Dansdeals Lifetime 50K Presidential Platinum Elite
  • **********
  • Join Date: May 2008
  • Posts: 53612
  • Total likes: 2412
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 16441
  • Gender: Male
    • View Profile
  • Location: CLE
  • Programs: UA Global Services, AA Lifetime Plat, DL Dirt, SPG Plat, Hyatt Diamond, Fairmont Lifetime Plat, Hilton Diamond, Priority Club Plat, Avis Chairman, National EE, Hertz PC
Re: another get story..
« Reply #148 on: November 15, 2013, 11:19:44 AM »
That is what I was wondering. Do they feel the same if you dated for a year?
Dating for a year in my circles would be considered even more sacrilege.

We date to marry, not to have a good time.  The good times wait for marriage.
Save your time, I don't answer PM. Post it in the forum and a dedicated DDF'er will get back to you as soon as possible.

Offline Ergel

  • Dansdeals Lifetime 10K Presidential Platinum Elite
  • *******
  • Join Date: Jun 2010
  • Posts: 11429
  • Total likes: 79
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 2
    • View Profile
Re: another get story..
« Reply #149 on: November 15, 2013, 11:20:06 AM »
That is what I was wondering. Do they feel the same if you dated for a year?
They don't have congregants who date for a year
Life isn't about checking the boxes. Nobody cares.