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http://forums.dansdeals.com/index.php?topic=344.msg1561282#msg1561282
« Last edited by Baruch on September 18, 2016, 09:14:18 PM »

Author Topic: Jokes Master Thread  (Read 300723 times)

Offline jj1000

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Jokes Master Thread
« on: July 16, 2008, 02:26:30 AM »
Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup? Not every one can mash potatoes.

 
« Last Edit: September 17, 2015, 08:15:46 AM by jj1000 »
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Offline whYME

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This was already posted in a different thread, but i think it belongs here a lot more so I'll take the liberty of re-posting it.

Quote
While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old Texas rancher whose hand was caught in a gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Obama and his bid to be our President.

The old rancher said, 'Well, ya know, Obama is a post turtle.'

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post turtle' was.

The old rancher said, 'When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle.'

The old rancher saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain. 'You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he is up there, and you just wonder what kind of dumb asses put him up there to begin with.

Offline whYME

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The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the US auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black box voice recorders in four-wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in 44 of the 50 states the recorded last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, s**t!" Only the states of Oklahoma, Tennessee, Arkansas, Alabama and Texas were different. There, 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer and watch this."

Offline Dan

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They were surprised to find in 44 of the 50 states the recorded last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, s**t!" Only the states of Oklahoma, Tennessee, Arkansas, Alabama and Texas were different. There, 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer and watch this."
78.3% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
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Offline whYME

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A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful ... CAREFUL! Put
in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO
MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE
are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful ...
CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking!
Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?
Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use
the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What the heck is wrong with you? You think I
don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I
wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving with you in the
car.

Offline jj1000

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78.3% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

What are you talking about Dan its 67.25%.
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Offline corny

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this guy has a friend from europe over for a visit, and he says to his friend you gatta watch a game of american football before you go home, so they go to a game and his friend sits through the game with this blank look on his face and at the end of the game the american asks so what do you think of american football? his friend looks at him and says you americans are nuts! the american asks why whats wrong? his friend tells him..... well what i saw was like 15 grown men all padded up face each other then one man takes out a quarter and throws it in the air and then for the next three hours  you have 15 grown men beating the crap out of each other yelling GET THE QUARTER-BACK! GET THE QUARTER-BACK!
like for g-ds sake will somebody tell them its only 25 cents!

Offline Charles The Govenor

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U.S airways is a good airline.
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Offline Dan

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Save your time, I don't answer PM. Post it in the forum and a dedicated DDF'er will get back to you as soon as possible.

Offline Charles The Govenor

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At least someone appreciated it.
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Offline Moishe

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American public came to president bush:
ppl: Mr. President, what should we do the banks are closing?
bush: what da you mean?
ppl: the banks are closing we can't get our money out of the banks!
bush: i don't know, use the ATM...
 :)

Offline Mikeoracle

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What is the difference between a wall street guy and a pigeon?...... A pigeon can still drop a deposit on a BMW.

Offline Moishe

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this reminds me from:
money is not everything... but it feels better to cry in a BMW than on a bike....

Offline corny

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this guy asks his friends 8 year old doughter what she wants to do when she grows up? so she says i want to be president of the united states, since her 2 liberal democrat parents were standing right there watching he asks "and what are you going to do as president?" ''im going to buy homes for all the homeless people'' so he says you dont need to be president to help out, you can come to my house and mow the lawn and ill give you 50 bucks and you can go to the supermarket and give the 50 bucks to the homeless guy sitting outside. so she thinks for a minute and asks "why doesent the homeless guy just mow your lawn himself and get the 50 bucks?" so he extends his hand and says "welcome to the republican party!"

Offline Charles The Govenor

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Nice!!!!
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