Author Topic: Jokes Master Thread  (Read 539078 times)

Offline SuperFlyer

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A guy looking from his window sees to his bewilderment his mother in law that lives abroad, getting out of a taxi, with some 10 suitcases shlepping to his front door.

Soon enough he hears the bell, and goes to open the door, and says:"Shvigger! For how long did you come?"

Shvigger:"for as long as you want!"

Guy:"well, won't you at least come in and have a coffee?"

Offline SuperFlyer

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???When asked by a  patrol officer "Do You know you were speeding?"
This 83-year-old woman talked herself out of a ticket by stating: 
"Yes , but ... I had to get there before I forgot where I was going."

Offline SuperFlyer

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So I was at the worldcup in south africa and though I had a good seat, I noticed the seat in front me remained open and that seat was really better than mine. So I tapped the guy next to the open seat on the shoulder and said 'excuse me, is that seat next to u free by any chance?' 'Sure he said...its actually my wife's seat...we used to go to all the games together since 1970....but she died!' 'Oh I'm so sorry for ur loss' I said. 'But after all its the world cup...couldn't u find any friend or family of urs that would want to come with u today?'
Oh, no not really' he said....'They are all at her funeral!'

Offline Avid Reader

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Not bad.

Offline SuperFlyer

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When Insults Had Class...


These glorious Insults are

from an era before

the English language

got boiled down to "four letter" words.



The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:
She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison."
He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."  Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book;

I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends..." - Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if... you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second, if... there is one." -  Winston Churchill, in response.

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial" - Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go;

others, whenever they go..." - Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts: for support rather than illumination. " - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx

Offline SuperFlyer

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What does tisha bav and bein hazmanim have in common?


Tefilin by mincha, no learning, and movies all day.

Offline ChAiM'l

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By us it was the other way round... Bein hazmanim we behaved... ;)

Offline SuperFlyer

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Ahmed came to Sydney from Pakistan, and he was only there a few months when he became very Ill.

He went to doctor after doctor, but none of them could help Him. Finally, he went to a Paki doctor, who said, ‘Take dees bocket, go into de odderr rroom, shift in de bocket, piss on de shift, and den put yourr head down over de bocket and breathe in de fumes forr ten minutes.’

Ahmed took the bucket, went into the other room, shift in the bucket, pissed on the shift, bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes.

Coming back to the Doctor he said, ‘It vorrked. I feel verry terrific! What was wrrong vith me?’

The doctor said, ‘You vere homesick.

Offline YOSEF

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After chatzos today, music, laundry, shaving, eating meat etc are all permissible.
However, some are machmir to wait until elul for limud hatorah.

Offline zalman123

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Moshe was talking to his psychiatrist. “I had a weird dream recently,” he says. “I saw my mother but then I noticed she had your face. I found this so worrying that I immediately awoke and couldn’t get back to sleep. I just stayed there thinking about it until 7am. I got up, made myself a slice of toast and some coffee and came straight here. Can you please help me explain the meaning of my dream?”

The psychiatrist kept silent for some time, then said, “One slice of toast and coffee? Do you call that a breakfast?”

Offline zalman123

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Asking for a Raise A: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you? B: Bill! Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?    A: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years. B: Yes.    A: I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first. B: A raise? Son, I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time.    A: I understand your position, and I know that the current economic downturn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro-activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade. B: Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time. How does that sound?    A: Great! It's a deal! Thank you, sir!B: Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies were after you?    A: Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company and the Mortgage Company!

Offline the great

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Thanks! you made me laugh, keep up. 10 pts

Offline ChAiM'l

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Thanks! you made me laugh, keep up. 10 pts

Could I also have some points? Pleeeeease???

Offline zalman123

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Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55% of plepoe can

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but teh wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!!!!.

Offline whYME

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Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55% of plepoe can

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but teh wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!!!!.
uh, you have a typo in there :)

(rscheearch)

Offline Avid Reader

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Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55% of plepoe can

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but teh wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!!!!.
Nice!

Offline SuperFlyer

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Gentile Jokes:

-- A Gentile goes into a clothing store and says: "This is a very fine jacket. How much is it?" The salesman says: "It's $500." The Gentile says, "OK, I'll take it."

-- A man calls his mother and says, "Mother, I know you're expecting me for dinner this evening, but something important has come up and I can't make it. "His mother says: "OK."

-- Two Gentiles meet on the street. The first one says, "You own your own business, don't you? How's it doing? "The other Gentile says, "Just great! Thanks for asking."

Offline zalman123

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Yesterday I answered a knock on the door to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
‘Good morning,’ said the young man. ‘If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.’
‘Go away!’ I said. ‘I haven’t got any money!’, ‘I’m broke!’ and proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open. ‘Don’t be too hasty!’ he said. ‘Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.’ And with that, he emptied an entire  bucket of  chulent
onto my hallway carpet.
‘If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this chulant  from your carpet, I will personally eat the remainder.’
I stepped back and said, ‘Well I hope you’ve got a good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning. What part of ‘broke’ do you not understand?

Offline Avid Reader

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Yesterday I answered a knock on the door to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
‘Good morning,’ said the young man. ‘If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.’
‘Go away!’ I said. ‘I haven’t got any money!’, ‘I’m broke!’ and proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open. ‘Don’t be too hasty!’ he said. ‘Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.’ And with that, he emptied an entire  bucket of  chulent
onto my hallway carpet.
‘If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this chulant  from your carpet, I will personally eat the remainder.’
I stepped back and said, ‘Well I hope you’ve got a good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning. What part of ‘broke’ do you not understand?
;D ;D ;D

Offline SuperFlyer

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Top Ten Most Popular Skipped parts of Davening

Old but a must.

10- Atoh Yotzarta on Shabbos Rosh Chodesh. If you’re looking quizzically at the screen and muttering “What’s that?” you’re only proving my point.
9- Ve’yehi Noam on Motzaei Shabbos. Saturday nights- so much to do, so little time.

8- Be’rich Shemei before krias haTorah. My Aramaic just isn’t what it used to be. Besides, it’s much easier to wait until they start singing from “bei, bei ana rachitz…” and enthusiastically join in at that time.

7- Bameh Madlikin on Friday Night. Long. Very long.

6- The 2nd Yekum Purkan on Shabbos morning. Even the first is stretching it. Proper procedure is actually to space out for several minutes and then begin “vechol mi she’oskim betzarchei tzibbur be’emunah…” in a loud, sing-song voice.

5- Pitum Haketores on Shabbos morning. Kind of gets lost in the shuffle between Ain K’elokeinu, Anim Zemiros and the shul president’s best wishes for a refuah sheleima to Mrs. Kleinbard.

4- Ana B’koach during Kabbalas Shabbos. If you were really supposed to say it, the siddurim would have it in normal sized print. Extra credit here for annoyingly invoking the Miami Boys Choir classic to these words in a just-audible hum before moving on seamlessly to Lecha Dodi.

3- Korbanos before Pesukei D’zimra. My second cousin twice removed claims to have once met someone who had a relative who’s neighbor knew someone who said them. But I’m not sure I believe him.

2- Vehu Rachum on Mondays and Thursdays. For those who just can’t seem to get enough Tachanun, there’s this twice-weekly special. For the rest of us, there's usually something lying around on the table to read.

1- The Shir Shel Yom on Wednesday. Talk about a midweek crisis. Why can’t every day be Tuesday?