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If you actually laugh out loud, write AALOL

http://forums.dansdeals.com/index.php?topic=344.msg1561282#msg1561282
« Last edited by Baruch on September 18, 2016, 09:14:18 PM »

Author Topic: Jokes Master Thread  (Read 399837 times)

Offline zalman123

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Asking for a Raise A: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you? B: Bill! Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?    A: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years. B: Yes.    A: I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first. B: A raise? Son, I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time.    A: I understand your position, and I know that the current economic downturn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro-activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade. B: Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time. How does that sound?    A: Great! It's a deal! Thank you, sir!B: Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies were after you?    A: Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company and the Mortgage Company!

Online the great

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Thanks! you made me laugh, keep up. 10 pts

Offline ChAiM'l

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Thanks! you made me laugh, keep up. 10 pts

Could I also have some points? Pleeeeease???

Offline zalman123

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Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55% of plepoe can

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but teh wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!!!!.

Online whYME

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Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55% of plepoe can

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but teh wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!!!!.
uh, you have a typo in there :)

(rscheearch)

Offline Avid Reader

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Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55% of plepoe can

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but teh wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!!!!.
Nice!

Offline SuperFlyer

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Gentile Jokes:

-- A Gentile goes into a clothing store and says: "This is a very fine jacket. How much is it?" The salesman says: "It's $500." The Gentile says, "OK, I'll take it."

-- A man calls his mother and says, "Mother, I know you're expecting me for dinner this evening, but something important has come up and I can't make it. "His mother says: "OK."

-- Two Gentiles meet on the street. The first one says, "You own your own business, don't you? How's it doing? "The other Gentile says, "Just great! Thanks for asking."

Offline zalman123

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Yesterday I answered a knock on the door to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
‘Good morning,’ said the young man. ‘If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.’
‘Go away!’ I said. ‘I haven’t got any money!’, ‘I’m broke!’ and proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open. ‘Don’t be too hasty!’ he said. ‘Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.’ And with that, he emptied an entire  bucket of  chulent
onto my hallway carpet.
‘If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this chulant  from your carpet, I will personally eat the remainder.’
I stepped back and said, ‘Well I hope you’ve got a good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning. What part of ‘broke’ do you not understand?

Offline Avid Reader

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Yesterday I answered a knock on the door to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
‘Good morning,’ said the young man. ‘If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.’
‘Go away!’ I said. ‘I haven’t got any money!’, ‘I’m broke!’ and proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open. ‘Don’t be too hasty!’ he said. ‘Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.’ And with that, he emptied an entire  bucket of  chulent
onto my hallway carpet.
‘If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this chulant  from your carpet, I will personally eat the remainder.’
I stepped back and said, ‘Well I hope you’ve got a good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning. What part of ‘broke’ do you not understand?
;D ;D ;D

Offline SuperFlyer

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Top Ten Most Popular Skipped parts of Davening

Old but a must.

10- Atoh Yotzarta on Shabbos Rosh Chodesh. If you’re looking quizzically at the screen and muttering “What’s that?” you’re only proving my point.
9- Ve’yehi Noam on Motzaei Shabbos. Saturday nights- so much to do, so little time.

8- Be’rich Shemei before krias haTorah. My Aramaic just isn’t what it used to be. Besides, it’s much easier to wait until they start singing from “bei, bei ana rachitz…” and enthusiastically join in at that time.

7- Bameh Madlikin on Friday Night. Long. Very long.

6- The 2nd Yekum Purkan on Shabbos morning. Even the first is stretching it. Proper procedure is actually to space out for several minutes and then begin “vechol mi she’oskim betzarchei tzibbur be’emunah…” in a loud, sing-song voice.

5- Pitum Haketores on Shabbos morning. Kind of gets lost in the shuffle between Ain K’elokeinu, Anim Zemiros and the shul president’s best wishes for a refuah sheleima to Mrs. Kleinbard.

4- Ana B’koach during Kabbalas Shabbos. If you were really supposed to say it, the siddurim would have it in normal sized print. Extra credit here for annoyingly invoking the Miami Boys Choir classic to these words in a just-audible hum before moving on seamlessly to Lecha Dodi.

3- Korbanos before Pesukei D’zimra. My second cousin twice removed claims to have once met someone who had a relative who’s neighbor knew someone who said them. But I’m not sure I believe him.

2- Vehu Rachum on Mondays and Thursdays. For those who just can’t seem to get enough Tachanun, there’s this twice-weekly special. For the rest of us, there's usually something lying around on the table to read.

1- The Shir Shel Yom on Wednesday. Talk about a midweek crisis. Why can’t every day be Tuesday?


Offline SuperFlyer

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Top 40 Thoughts that Run Through your Head on a Bad Date


40. The bright side is at least ive done chesed for the week. And next week.

39. Don't you dare order the steak

38. Nod and smile, nod and smile...maybe he/she has a good-looking friend

37. Did she actually say he was "Cute"??..... try "bald"

36. Is this waiter/waitress single?

34. This is way beyond "not shayich"

33. "Who let the dogs out" Tune repeatedly running through your mind

32. Please not Dougies- I don't think I can handle seeing every Jewish person I know again

31. This shadchan has some serious serious issues

30. Hmmm, should it be "feeling sick" or "family emergency" this time?

29. I can't believe I bought a new "Date" outfit for this!

28. Who knew that my roommate's mom's coworker's penpal had no idea what I'm looking for?

27. Anything else that will distract you from his/her monologue about favorite hand lotions

26. Briefly reviewing your "Top Ten Excuses to End a Bad Date" list

25. Wondering why the waiter wont take pity and just spill something on you

24. Deciding what to order that will give you the worst possible breath

23. Coming to the conclusion that if your shadchan deserves a gift for finding your perfect companion, he/she deserves the bill for setting you up with the exact opposite.

22. OK, the pocket Kahati is one thing but didn't anyone tell this guy not to wear his pocket protector on the date?

21. Not even her father can afford to get me on a second date.

20. I think I saw a window in the bathroom.

19. OK, how can I look at my watch without making it look like I'm looking at my watch? Aww, the heck with it...it's 8:37.

18. Shoot, she/he just caught me closing my eyes.

17. Never go out with someone you meet in a pet lovers online chat room

16.What time does Friends start?

15. What would McGyver do in this situation

14."There are more fish in the sea"...hit repeat, repeat

13.Please God make me a bird so I can fly far far away

12. How many halapinio peppers does it take to make me sick enough to leave

11. This would make a great romance novel. Man finds love during bad date. Keep your eyes open

10. I am so not getting onto OnlySimchas.com with this guy/girl

9. Please Please Hashem, let there be no one here I know

8. That's so weird, this ceiling has 48 tiles. Unlike the floor which has 47.

7. I now realize that "being set up" can mean two different things.

6. I'll just spell "help" out with my utensils and maybe someone will understand.

5. I miss work.

4. Yisurin shel ahava... Yisurin shel ahava

3. If I call myself on my cell phone, will it ring?

2. This girl/guy puts the "uch" in shidduch.

1. I will never ever trust my mother again

Offline Avid Reader

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Offline avi2018

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Why was the Kosciuszko bridge named after a pollack?

It was supposed to be a tunnel...
heard this one about the pulaski skyway

Offline MOSES

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heard this one about the pulaski skyway
they both go over the same body of water...

Offline yeshivaman

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I called continental & the rep was helpful!
i wish i knew what i was doing...