Jokes Master Thread

[ckmk47]

I hear.
But whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?

http://forums.dansdeals.com/index.php?topic=344.0

[whYME]

http://forums.dansdeals.com/index.php?topic=344.0

I'm pretty sure there was some discussion later on in the thread that he messed it up in the original post. (I don't remember what it's supposed to be)

[icapd1]

I hear.
But whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?

Anyone can mash potatoes...

[stbaum]

I hear.
But whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup?

Anyone can mash potatoes...

dunno about you but most people can "pea" soup... hee hee 

[meshugener]

dunno about you but most people can "pea" soup... hee hee 

I don't understand

[Achas Veachas]

Poland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small 2-seater Cessna  plane crashed into a cemetery.  Only the pilot and co pilot survived. Pollack search and rescue workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far, and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night

[wayfe]

Umm... Something tickled your funny bone?

Poland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small 2-seater Cessna  plane crashed into a cemetery.  Only the pilot and co pilot survived. Pollack search and rescue workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far, and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night

[Achas Veachas]

Umm... Something tickled your funny bone?

LOL

[etech0]

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, “You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time.” The Irishman replies, “Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I’m here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.” The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: ordering three pints and drinking them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.” The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. “Oh, no,” he says, “Everyone’s fine. I’ve just quit drinking.”

[yos9694]

At the International Beer Brewing Festival, the CEOs of a number of major beer companies showed up for a panel discussion. The server asked each of them what they would like to drink during the session:

"I'll have a Budweiser," said the CEO of Anheuser Busch.
"I'll have an MGD," said the CEO of MillerCoors.
"I'll have a Boston Lager," said the CEO of Samuel Adams.
"I'll have a Yuengling," said the CEO of Yuengling.
"And I'll have a Diet Coke," said the CEO of Guiness.

A hush fell upon the room. One of the other CEOs shouted out, "Diet Coke? Why don't you order a Guiness?"

"If you're not going to be drinking beer, then neither am I."

[etech0]

Two Gentile jokes:

A Gentile goes into a men’s clothing store, where he sees an elegant suede jacket. “How much is that jacket?” he asks the clerk. When the clerk tells him $1,200, the Gentile says, “I’ll take it.”

At the last minute, a Gentile calls his mother to announce that, owing to pressure at work, he will be two hours late for the family Thanksgiving dinner. “Of course,” his mother says, “I understand.”

[etech0]

The computer swallowed Grandma,
Yes, honestly it’s true!
She pressed 'control and 'enter'
And disappeared from view.
It devoured her completely,
The thought just makes me squirm.
She must have caught a virus
Or been eaten by a worm.
I've searched through the recycle bin
And files of every kind;
I've even used the Internet,
But nothing did I find.
In  desperation, I asked Mr. Google
My searches to refine.
The reply from him was negative,
Not a thing was found 'online.'
So, if inside your 'Inbox,'
My Grandma you should see,
Please 'Copy, Scan' and 'Paste' her,
And send her back to me.

[etech0]

Two  little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous.
They are always getting into trouble, and their parents know if any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.
The boys' mother heard that  a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining  children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.

The  preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.
The mother sent the 8 year old in the morning, with the  older boy to see the preacher in the  afternoon.
The preacher, a huge man  with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him  sternly, "Do you know where God is,  son?"
The boy's mouth dropped open,  but he made no response, sitting  there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging  open.
So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner  tone, "Where is God?"
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.
The preacher  raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD?"

The little boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home, and dove into his closet, slamming the door  behind him.
 
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What  happened?"
The younger brother,  gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time! GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!"

[etech0]

Top ten ways you know you are on a bad date:
10. I am so not getting onto OnlySimchas.com with this guy/girl
9. Please Please Hashem, let there be no one here I know
8. That's so weird, this ceiling has 48 tiles. Unlike the floor which has 47.
7. I now realize that "being set up" can mean two different things.
6. I'll just spell "help" out with my utensils and maybe someone will understand.
5. I miss work.
4. Yisurin shel ahava... Yisurin shel ahava
3. If I call myself on my cell phone, will it ring?
2. This girl/guy puts the "uch" in shidduch.
1. I will never ever trust my mother again
 
Top ten signs you are in Brooklyn:
10. You find yourself waiting on line to get into 'standing room only' at Dougie's on Motzai Shebbos.
9. There are no Starbucks or Barnes & Nobles in sight. There are, however, 5 kosher pizza places within a three block radius.
8. The "Kosher Gym"- need I say more?
7. The only person to respond to your "Good Shabbos's" is the guy asking for change on the corner.
6. Every other car on the street is a BMW/ Lexus leased from "Malcar".
5. There are at least three shuls/shteibel's on every block, but the one you daven at, is five blocks away from your house.
4. You can find a maariv minyan at 12:27 a.m., and then satisfy your midnight craving at Bissele's the Shnitzel king or Deli 52.
3. Every bakery/ and restaurant requires at least three hashgacha's.
2. Finding a parking spot on Ave. J or 13th Ave on a Friday afternoon is your week's biggest triumph.
1. Chicago? Is that the state near Baltimore?

[icapd1]

The computer swallowed Grandma,.........
.......And send her back to me.

Did you make that one up too? Impressive!

[etech0]

Did you make that one up too? Impressive!

Nope. It's an old email forward that I just bumped into.

[Achas Veachas]

Do you think every president goes through an awkward first few weeks in office when he's not sure when's the right time to ask if aliens are real or not?

[Achas Veachas]

I nominate Internet Explorer for the #IceBucketChallange
Oh wait.
It's already frozen...

[Centro]

Do you think every president goes through an awkward first few weeks in office when he's not sure when's the right time to ask if aliens are real or not?

Wrong thread, post here.

[Emkay]

Do you think every president goes through an awkward first few weeks in office when he's not sure when's the right time to ask if aliens are real or not?