Jokes Master Thread

[Abet rich]

A non Jewish maid is talking to her friend.
She says I work for this nice Jewish family but they have some weird habits. They have this holiday called Shabbos where they eat in the dining room and smoke in the bathroom. Then they have a holiday called Tisha B'Av where they smoke in the dining room and eat in the bathroom. And another holiday called Yom Kippur where they eat AND smoke in the bathroom.

Don't know about you but I didn't grow up in LKWD

[lubaby]

Lollipops are so weird. You're literally swallowing your own flavored saliva.

[dudi]

Lollipops are so weird. You're literally swallowing your own flavored saliva.

You just killed lollipops for me forever

[elikay]

Don't know about you but I didn't grow up in LKWD

He grew up in Bnei Brak   idiot

[Centro]

Two men debate whether Hawaii is pronounced "HaVaii" or "HaWaii.

"They ask a passerby, who answers "Havaii."

"Thank you," says the satisfied first man.

"You're velcome," replies the passerby.

[Achas Veachas]

A fellow walks into a bar and is about to order a drink, when he sees a guy close by wearing a knitted Kippah and a Star of David pendant. He doesn't have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is Jewish. So, he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone can hear, "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for the Jew over there."

Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Jew gives him a big smile, waves at him, then says, "Thank you!" in an equally loud voice. This infuriates the guy. He once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Jew. As before, this does not seem to bother the Jewish guy. He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!" He does this once again for the third time, but not the Jew again.

The guy gets real cranky so he asks the bartender, "What the hell is the matter with that Jew? I've ordered three rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar, all 100 of them but him, and all the silly bugger does is smile and thank me. Is he nuts?"

"Nope," replies the bartender, "he owns the place."

[good sam]

If the "Kol Hoo'oillum Killoy" had been around in the times Avraham Avenu... he would definitely have found 50 tzadikim in Sedoim!

Bump in honor of next week's parsha. I've repeated this so many times.

[D93]

Bump in honor of next week's parsha. I've repeated this so many times.

Or better - if the cars announcing levayas (in yerushalaim) were around.....

[Centro]

While talking with my semi-deaf uncle one evening, I noticed that his "hearing aid" was actually an earphone from a transistor radio. The wire had been cut and was sticking out of his shirt.

"How does that help your hearing?" I asked.

"Don't help my hearing none," he replied. "Makes people talk louder."

[AI-TRAVEL]

An immodestly dressed woman got on a bus going from Bnei Berak to Yerushalayim and sat in the only available seat which was next to a religious chareidi Kollel man. Instead of getting mad he reached into his bag and pulled out a apple. Surprised she asked him why he gave her a Apple. He answered her that before Chava ate any fruit she was not embarrassed of her nakedness. In response she reached into her bag pulled out a apple and gave it to him. Surprised he asked her why. In response she said, before Adam ate any fruit he never understood what it meant to work for a living.

[stbaum]

A non orthodox couple was invited for a Shabbos at a frum family home. 

The frum host made Kiddush Friday night on a full cup of wine. Then he made a l'chaim after the fish on some fine Scotch. Then the main course comes with some more wine. Then they benched with wine. 

Next morning - repeat. They make Kiddush on wine in shul. Have loads of schnapps and food. They come home. Husband makes Kiddush for the wife with wine, lecha'im after fish, a nice cold beer with the cholent and and more wine for benching. 

After Havdalah, the man phones his children back home and tells them. "I had a wonderful time at the Orthodox family I stayed at this Shabbat" he said. "I still don't really understand why they can't use electricity on Shabbat, but I do now understand why they don't drive!".....

[SamKey]

An immodestly dressed woman got on a bus going from Bnei Berak to Yerushalayim and sat in the only available seat which was next to a religious chareidi Kollel man. Instead of getting mad he reached into his bag and pulled out a apple. Surprised she asked him why he gave her a Apple. He answered her that before Chava ate any fruit she was not embarrassed of her nakedness. In response she reached into her bag pulled out a apple and gave it to him. Surprised he asked her why. In response she said, before Adam ate any fruit he never understood what it meant to work for a living.

it's just as funny if you reverse the order, reminds me of a reform guy saying the joke: at a reform wedding the rabbi is pregnant at a conservative the bride is and at orthodox the mother of the bride is!

[ybeeds]

A Rabbi is standing and the door warmly well wishing each congregant at the end of Yom Kippur...
"Jonathan, you gotta join the army of God", the Rabbi whispers
"Rabbi, what do you mean?"
"Jonathan, you only show up for the High Holidays"
"Rabbi, Shhhh, I'm part of the secret service!"

[stbaum]

it's just as funny if you reverse the order, reminds me of a reform guy saying the joke: at a reform wedding the rabbi is pregnant at a conservative the bride is and at orthodox the mother of the bride is!

lol

[DMYD]

it's just as funny if you reverse the order, reminds me of a reform guy saying the joke: at a reform wedding the rabbi is pregnant at a conservative the bride is and at orthodox the mother of the bride is!

I don't think its a joke, it probably happens daily

[danrocks613]

Why did the fisherman cross the road?
For the hallibut.

[yoruel]

What is the difference between a terrorist and a woman cleaning for Pesach?
A terrorist you can negotiate with.

[etech0]

http://www.flyertalk.com/forum/manufactured-spending/1630465-can-you-purchase-gcs-online-office-depot-office-max.html

[Achas Veachas]

While attending a marriage seminar in Lakewood on communication, Chaim and his wife Shira listened to the instructor declare, "it's essential that husbands and wives are aware of the things that are important to each other." He addressed the men, "can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"
Chaim leaned over to his wife and asked in a whisper, "Kemach All-Purpose, isn't it?"...

[Achas Veachas]

I have a friend who's a physicist. He says he could predict the winner of any horse race, provided it involved perfectly elastic spherical horses moving through a vacuum...