Jokes Master Thread

[avromie7]

without further ado, I give you the “Ma Nishtana” for the politically correct:

Father, and or Mother, I wish to ask you these four questions.

But before I start I must add that, like with all questions, there is no right or wrong, there is only perspective.

What makes this night unique from all other nights?

That is not to say, of course, that all other nights are not unique, for all nights were created equal, and equally unique –but rather, in what way does this night express its individuality?

On all other nights we do not discriminate between rich bread and poor, for neither is better or worse. But tonight we shut our tables to the rich bread and only accept the “lechem oni” – the poor bread! How can this be??

On all other nights we have an inclusive and diverse salad, but tonight we eat only bitter herbs. I do not of course mean that the herbs themselves are bitter, but rather that they are perceived as bitter by those who do not understand them.

On all other nights we would not dare to dip one food in another, for that would imply that the dip had no individual worth, and that its only value is to be a secondary addition to another food. And yet tonight we commit this injustice, not once but twice!

On all other nights we are given a choice: do we stand straight in our actions or beliefs, or do we sway and lean with them? But tonight, we are all forced to lean (to the left of course! One must never lean to the right!) Where is our freedom of choice?

There! Now if only we can deal with that whole killing all the Egyptians business (after all, they only wanted to peacefully coexist), we may be able to celebrate with a clear conscious.

Happy Holiday of Liberal(ty)!!

Just wait till shlokdoc sees this 

[AnonymousUser]

without further ado, I give you the “Ma Nishtana” for the politically correct:

Father, and or Mother, I wish to ask you these four questions.

But before I start I must add that, like with all questions, there is no right or wrong, there is only perspective.

What makes this night unique from all other nights?

That is not to say, of course, that all other nights are not unique, for all nights were created equal, and equally unique –but rather, in what way does this night express its individuality?

On all other nights we do not discriminate between rich bread and poor, for neither is better or worse. But tonight we shut our tables to the rich bread and only accept the “lechem oni” – the poor bread! How can this be??

On all other nights we have an inclusive and diverse salad, but tonight we eat only bitter herbs. I do not of course mean that the herbs themselves are bitter, but rather that they are perceived as bitter by those who do not understand them.

On all other nights we would not dare to dip one food in another, for that would imply that the dip had no individual worth, and that its only value is to be a secondary addition to another food. And yet tonight we commit this injustice, not once but twice!

On all other nights we are given a choice: do we stand straight in our actions or beliefs, or do we sway and lean with them? But tonight, we are all forced to lean (to the left of course! One must never lean to the right!) Where is our freedom of choice?

There! Now if only we can deal with that whole killing all the Egyptians business (after all, they only wanted to peacefully coexist), we may be able to celebrate with a clear conscious.

Happy Holiday of Liberal(ty)!!

Awesome!

[etech0]

Awesome!

+1

[grodnoking]

Slow men at work
Slow, men at work

Commas save jobs.

Lets eat grandma
Lets eat, grandma

Commas save lives

[etech0]

Slow men at work
Slow, men at work

know where these guys come from?
"slow children at play"

[doodle]

+1
+10000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

[Achas Veachas]

For the science nerds:


1. I’m reading a great book on anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

2. I have a new theory on inertia but it doesn’t seem to be gaining momentum.

3. Why can’t atheists solve exponential equations? Because they don’t believe in higher powers.

4. Schrodinger’s cat walks into a bar. And doesn’t.

5. Do you know the name Pavlov? It rings a bell.

6. A group of protesters in front of a physics lab:
“What do we want?”.
“Time travel”
“When do we want it?”.
“Irrelevant.”

7. What does a subatomic duck say? Quark!

8. A neutron walks into a bar and asks how much for a beer. Bartender replies “For you, no charge”.

9. Two atoms are walking along. One of them says:
“Oh, no, I think I lost an electron.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes, I’m positive.”

10. An optimist sees a glass half full. A pessimist sees it half empty. An engineer sees it twice as large as it needs to be.

[sguitarist18]

4. Schrodinger’s cat walks into a bar. And doesn’t.

And...I have a new Gmail status message. 

[Freddie]

5. Do you know the name Pavlov? It rings a bell.

Pavlov is sitting at the bar having a pint when suddenly the phone rings. "Shoot," he says slapping his forehead, "I forgot to feed the dog."

[ckmk47]

For the science nerds:

...........

LOL!!!

Pavlov is sitting at the bar having a pint when suddenly the phone rings. "Shoot," he says slapping his forehead, "I forgot to feed the dog."

this, too!

[bsimchatomid]

The Tooth Brush Salesman
The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were all very excited.
Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on salesmanship.
Little Sally led off. "I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30" she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."
"Very good", said the teacher.
Little Debbie was next. "I sold magazines" she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."
"Very good, Debbie", said the teacher.
Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash onto the teacher's desk.
"$2,467", he said. "$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you
selling?"
"Toothbrushes", said Little Johnny.
"Toothbrushes!!", echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town", said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and I gave everybody who walked by a free sample."
They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog poop!"
I would say, "It is dog poop. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"
"I used the President Obama method of giving you some crap, dressing it up so it looks good, telling you it's free and then making you pay to get the bad taste out of your mouth."
Little Johnny got five stars for his assignment.
Bless his little heart.

[grodnoking]

;-)

[etech0]

;-)

And I got all excited that there was a new joke posted

[yesitsme]

Carter is still making trouble, U can imagine he heard that "#Obama is worse then #Carter", so he wants to prove it wrong, it wont help!

Black Sheriff Says if Black Lives Mattered They'd Protest @ Abortion Clinics

[Achas Veachas]

A brisker Yungerman, a few weeks after his wedding, came home Asarah Beteves morning and asked his wife for breakfast. The wife, a bit surprised, said I thought you were very Frum and you are usually so Machmir in everything, how can you be Meikil on this fast? The Yungerman answered "I AM Machmir, what you see as a Kulah in fasting we see as a Chumrah in Pikuach Nefesh. The wife hears and dutifully prepared breakfast for 2. When the husband came to the table and saw 2 settings he asked his wife what is this? The wife answered I thought we are Machmir on Pikuach Nefesh? The husband replied "Yeah but women don't need to be Machmir so much..."

[Freddie]

A brisker Yungerman, a few weeks after his wedding, came home Asarah Beteves morning and asked his wife for breakfast. The wife, a bit surprised, said I thought you were very Frum and you are usually so Machmir in everything, how can you be Meikil on this fast? The Yungerman answered "I AM Machmir, what you see as a Kulah in fasting we see as a Chumrah in Pikuach Nefesh. The wife hears and dutifully prepared breakfast for 2. When the husband came to the table and saw 2 settings he asked his wife what is this? The wife answered I thought we are Machmir on Pikuach Nefesh? The husband replied "Yeah but women don't need to be Machmir so much..."

I believe every word. Why is this in the joke thread?

[yesitsme]

If driving, do not drink. If drinking ... Call me

[grodnoking]

If driving, do not drink. If drinking ... Call me

Ill need ur number

[good sam]

2 peasants are conversing:

1: How often would you say the Rabbi changes his shirt?
2: I don't know. . . say once a week.

1: And the landowner?
2: Three times a week.

1: The governor?
2: Once a day.

1: And what about Rothschild the millionaire?
2: Well he's constantly changing from one to the next. Now that’s what I call living!

[Freddie]

OCD?