Jokes Master Thread

[Achas Veachas]

2 peasants are conversing:

1: How often would you say the Rabbi changes his shirt?
2: I don't know. . . say once a week.

1: And the landowner?
2: Three times a week.

1: The governor?
2: Once a day.

1: And what about Rothschild the millionaire?
2: Well he's constantly changing from one to the next. Now that’s what I call living!

Similar to a story The Rebbe said his teacher would say in Cheder:

When he would want to illustrate the greatness of the king he would tell the kids "when your father sleeps, the kids tiptoe around whispering 'shh tatty is sleeping', when the minister sleeps all of his servants go around the mantion saying 'shh the minister is sleeping', when the CZAR goes to sleep, the whole Moscow goes around screaming SHA SHTILL DER KENIG SHLOFT'"

[Achas Veachas]

Received via whatsapp:

Hashgacha Pratis: It was a packed flight from Tel Aviv. The doors were about to close when suddenly a Chassidic man in row 47 stood up.  He was seated next to a woman and there was no way that he would spend the next 11 hours doing a sin!  The entire plane was asked to switch seats with him -  and not one person agreed.  The stewardess told him it's  time to either sit back down- or get off the plane.    As he was walking off the plane, a man with a small netted yarmulka stood up and said "Take my seat.  We can switch".  Stunned, the Chassid asked "How come before you were unwilling and now you changed your mind" ?  The man responded:I know what's  going to happen! You get off the plane, it crashes killing everyone on board, and you'll  be telling the world the Hashgacha prattis story about how your life was saved for not sitting next  to a woman.  Well let me tell you something- If this plane goes down-you're coming down with us!!!

[yitrap]

Received via whatsapp:

Hashgacha Pratis: It was a packed flight from Tel Aviv. The doors were about to close when suddenly a Chassidic man in row 47 stood up.  He was seated next to a woman and there was no way that he would spend the next 11 hours doing a sin!  The entire plane was asked to switch seats with him -  and not one person agreed.  The stewardess told him it's  time to either sit back down- or get off the plane.    As he was walking off the plane, a man with a small netted yarmulka stood up and said "Take my seat.  We can switch".  Stunned, the Chassid asked "How come before you were unwilling and now you changed your mind" ?  The man responded:I know what's  going to happen! You get off the plane, it crashes killing everyone on board, and you'll  be telling the world the Hashgacha prattis story about how your life was saved for not sitting next  to a woman.  Well let me tell you something- If this plane goes down-you're coming down with us!!!

+1 Got it today as well, amazing how small the world is...

[Achas Veachas]

+1 Got it today as well, amazing how small the world is...

And here I thought the guy sending it to me made it up...

[yitrap]

And here I thought the guy sending it to me made it up...

my DDF instincts kicked in, I responded POID(n)H

[Dr Moose]

my DDF instincts kicked in, I responded POID(n)H

For those who post POIDNH, the proper acronym is POIDH. The "did not" is a contraction and becomes "didn't"

feels great to finally get that off my chest.

[yitrap]

hence the brackets......that was entirely for you

[Achas Veachas]

Two golfers were coming up to their second shot on the fairway, which was a dogleg to the right. On the direct line between the younger golfer and the green was a good size tree. It looked like he'd have to waste a shot, hitting straight ahead to where the fairway bent to the right and then another shot to get to the green.

His partner, an older man, said to him, "When I was your age, I'd take a four wood and hit right over that tree, straight to the green."

The young golfer looked at his situation once again, then selected his four wood and lined up a shot over the tree right to the green. He swung, connected, and the ball flew up right into the branches of the tree and then dropped into the rough.

"Of course," the older golfer said, "when I was your age, that tree was a lot shorter."

[etech0]

A young man had just graduated from Harvard and was so excited just thinking about his future.

He gets into a taxi and the driver says, "How are you on this lovely day?"

"I'm the Class of 2015, just graduated from Harvard and I just can't wait to go out there and see what the world has in store for me."

The driver looks back to shake the young man's hand and says, "Congratulations, I'm Mitch. Harvard Class of 1969."

[yesitsme]

True Story:

A landlord called his tenant to דין תורה
Both of them r from d same chasidus,
D tenant was schlepping around,so d landlord went to complain to the Rabbi that his tenant doesn't wanna come to בית דין.
So d rabbi called d tenant & asked him y he doesn't go to דין תורה,
So he answered " I'm looking for a בית דין where d דיינים are tenants so they should understand me better,and I can't find !!
נישט דא ווער זאל לאכען

[Achas Veachas]

English?

[etech0]

A pastor awoke one morning to find a dead donkey in his front yard. He had no idea how it got there but knew he had to get rid of it. He called the sanitation department, the health department, and several other agencies, but no one seemed able to help him.

In desperation, the good reverend called the mayor and asked what could be done.

The mayor must have been having a bad day. "Why bother me?" he asked. "You're a preacher; it's your job to bury the dead."

The pastor lost his cool, "Yes," he snapped, "but I thought I should at least notify the next of kin."

[etech0]

"What's the usual tip?" a man growled when a University of South Carolina student delivered his pizza.

"Well," the student replied, "this is my first delivery, but the other guys said that if I got a quarter out of you, I'd be doing great."

"That so?" grunted the man. "In that case, here's five dollars."

"Thanks," the student said, "I'll put it in my college fund."

"By the way, what are you studying?"

"Applied psychology."

[etech0]

A young man visiting a dude ranch wanted to be macho, so he went out walking with one of the hired hands.

As they were walking through the barnyard, the visitor tried to begin a conversation, "Say, look at that big bunch of cows."

The hired hand replied, "Not 'bunch,' but 'herd.'"

"Heard what?"

"Herd of cows."

"Sure, I've heard of cows...there's a big bunch of 'em right over there."

[AnonymousUser]

A young man visiting a dude ranch wanted to be macho, so he went out walking with one of the hired hands.

As they were walking through the barnyard, the visitor tried to begin a conversation, "Say, look at that big bunch of cows."

The hired hand replied, "Not 'bunch,' but 'herd.'"

"Heard what?"

"Herd of cows."

"Sure, I've heard of cows...there's a big bunch of 'em right over there."

Hmm, which site have you been browsing recently?

[etech0]

Hmm, which site have you been browsing recently?

gcfl.net

[Achas Veachas]

An airliner is fully boarded and ready to push-off from the gate, when two blind pilots enter the main cabin.

The pilots both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up.

The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport.

As it begins to look as though the plane will plough in to the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die." 

[Live N Learn]

Singing in the shower is all fun, until you get shampoo in your mouth...

Then it just becomes a soap opera.

[grodnoking]

Singing in the shower is all fun, until you get shampoo in your mouth...

Then it just becomes a soap opera.

Oy

[shoobi]

An airliner is fully boarded and ready to push-off from the gate, when two blind pilots enter the main cabin.

The pilots both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up.

The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport.

As it begins to look as though the plane will plough in to the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."

everyone I told it to loves it!!