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If you actually laugh out loud, write AALOL

http://forums.dansdeals.com/index.php?topic=344.msg1561282#msg1561282
« Last edited by Baruch on September 18, 2016, 09:14:18 PM »

Author Topic: Jokes Master Thread  (Read 399832 times)

Offline Chaikel

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I see what you mean.

Something slightly related and may give another perspective on this:

A while ago I was reading a kovets on preparations for marriage and the author had some sound advice on buying the kidushin ring.
1) The ring you are mekadesh with has to be bought with the Chosson's own money, not borrowed or bought for him, or there can be a question on the whole Kidushin.
2) Don't buy it on a credit card since it may technically not belong to you until you pay the bill.
3) If you did buy it on a CC, pay the bill right away.

The guy that wrote this is not a Rav AFAIK but it certainly makes sense.
Borrowing money is not a problem. US checks may also be a problem
Create professional looking itineraries.
Check out eliteitinerary.com

Offline avi2018

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How could this be worse then "matana al mnas l'hachzer"?
By matana al mnas lhachzir, both sides know this, and therefore at the time of the mitzva it is yours because the original owner makes it yours even though he knows thAT it's not going to be so in some time. However here this a case of what the buyer thinks which is NOT in accord with the thoughts of the seller, the validity of the sale is in question, and if the sale isn't valid the esrog is definitely not the property of the buyer, hence esrog hagozel/hashaul.

Offline Avid Reader

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Yankel Zuchmir built his Sukkah in the courtyard of his apt. building. The gentile tenants put up a fight that it makes the building look ugly and he had no permission to do it. Yankel found himself sitting in front of the judge during Chol Hamoed defending himself. After he finished the Judge gave his ruling: Yankel must get permission before he builds a Sukkah, and must dismantle his current Sukkah promptly - no later then ten days from now! Yankel walked out a happy man  :).

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Bill, Jim and Scott were at a convention together sharing a large suite at the top of a 75-story hotel. After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken, and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room.

Bill said to Jim and Scott, "Let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, Jim can sing songs for the next 25 flights and Scott will tell sad stories for the rest of the way."

At the 26th floor, Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor, Jim stopped singing and Scott began to tell sad stories.
"I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car."

Offline SuperFlyer

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A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter Scale has hit
Pakistan .
Two million Pakistanis have died and over a million are injured .
The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start
with providing help to rebuild .
The rest of the world is in shock .
The USA is sending troops to help .
Saudi Arabia is sending oil .
Latin American countries are sending supplies .
New Zealand is sending sheep, cattle and food crops .
The Asian continents are sending labor to assist in rebuilding
infrastructure .
Australia is sending medical teams and supplies .
Britain, not to be outdone, is sending two million Pakistanis as
replacements . . .



G-d Bless British generosity!

*in the UK there are enormous amount of Pakistanis, such as in Germany Turks, in France Algerians, and in Belgium and the Netherlands Moroccans. Needless to say that they don't exactly improve the economy...

Offline ChAiM'l

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*in the UK there are enormous amount of Pakistanis, such as in Germany Turks, in France Algerians, and in Belgium and the Netherlands Moroccans. Needless to say that they don't exactly improve the economy...

Reminds me of an email i got a while ago.....
 
Illegal Immigrants Poem

I cross ocean, poor and broke.
Take bus, see employment folk.
 
Nice man treat me good in there.
Say I need to see welfare.

Welfare say, 'You come no more, we send cash right to your door.'
 
Welfare cheques - they make you wealthy! NHS - it keep you healthy!

By and by, I get plenty money.
Thanks to you, you British dummy!
 
Write to friends in motherland.
Tell them 'come fast as you can.'
   
They come in turbans and Ford trucks,
And buy big house with welfare bucks!
   
They come here, we live together.
More welfare cheques, it gets better!
           
Fourteen families, they moving in,
but neighbour's patience wearing thin.
Finally, British guy moves away.
Now I buy his house,then I say,
     
'Find more immigrants for house to rent.'
And in the yard I put a tent.

Everything is very good,
and soon we own the neighbourhood.
         
We have hobby, it's called breeding. Welfare pay for baby feeding.
Kids need dentist? Wives need pills? We get free! We got no bills!
British crazy! They work all year, to keep the welfare running here.
We think UK darn good place.
Too darn good for British race!
If they no like us, they can scram. Got lots of room in Afghanistan !
 

PLEASE SEND THIS TO EVERY BRITISH TAXPAYER YOU KNOW

Offline zalman123

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MOISHE  ....

 
For 30 years every day old Moishe ate at "Abe's Kosher Delicatessen". Old Moishe was an honoured guest and had his own reserved stool at the counter. He was loved by everyone and was generous to all the servers and staff. Abe, the owner loved Moishe too. One day Moishe didn't show at his regular time. Abe was worried a bit as he realized Old Moishe was a widower and lived alone but then got busy and forgot about  Moishe's  absence. 
 The next day...no Moishe....now Abe was worried... he phoned Abe's number and got no answer. He even called a few local hospitals and even called Moishe's daughter in Israel to no avail. Abe couldn't sleep that night wondering what had happened. Next day again no Moishe!
Now Abe was really concerned and just as he was about to call the cops and 911 he glanced out the window and saw Moishe going into "Goldberg's Deli" across the street. Abe took off out the door and raced across the street narrowly missing getting hit be a bus and confronted Moishe just as he was sitting down. Abe screamed, "where the hell have you been! I lost sleep and spent good money phoning around about you and what are you doing here at Goldberg's.....you know he's my worst enemy! Explain to me Moishe!!!!!"
Moishe looked at Abe and said calmly, "settle down Abraham, settle down, you'll be having a heart attack. I'll be telling you what happened okay. I went to the dentist 3 days ago and had one of those root canals. Oy the pain! The dentist gave me some pills and said   'Moishe, for a few days eat on the other side'"

Offline SuperFlyer

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Know your Israeli passenger

The Israeli passenger gets on a plane and feels like a new immigrant, even
if he has only spent one week abroad. "Wow! It's so good to finally hear
some Hebrew."


The Israeli passenger stretches out on three empty seats on the plane, even
if he's not supposed to sit there. "So they'll ask me to get up. What have I
got to lose?"


The Israeli passenger tries to "sneak" forward to the more expensive seats.
"Why do you care? Half of the business class is empty as it is."


The Israeli passenger asks the flight attendant for a glass of water before
take off, and usually explains the reason for his request. "I just have to
take a pill" or "I haven't had a drink all day."


The Israeli passenger has a refined taste, especially when he is served with
meatballs and couscous for lunch. "Does it come with gravy?"


The Israeli passenger bought a plane ticket, and therefore thinks he
deserves everything. "What do you mean there's no alcohol on this flight? I
paid a full price."


The Israeli passenger apparently doesn’t know that there are trash cans on
the plane, and throws everything around his seat. "We'll collect everything
at the end of the flight." Yeah, right.



The Israeli passenger will walk into the plane's kitchen, see the steward
eating on his break and disrupt his meal, politely. "Bon Appétit! Can I have
some coffee? I'm in A25, okay?"




The religious Israeli passenger opens a synagogue at the back of the plane
together with other religious passengers, and loudly recites the morning
prayer while everyone else is sleeping. "Steward guy, come join us, we're
missing one person for a quorum…"


The religious Israeli passenger reaches out to the beverage cart and simply
picks up a bottle of juice or any other drink. "I just wanted to check its
kashrut certificate."


The Israeli passenger must sample all the different Israeli newspapers
before entering the plane, despite being asked to settle for one. "Of course
I read all of them. Yedioth and Maariv, Makor Rishon and Yated Ne'eman."



The Israeli passenger "tries out" the entire Duty Free cart, asking to see,
check, smell and touch the products – but settles for a keychain for his kid
or a golden bar of Toblerone. "We have to bring something back, no?"



The Israeli passenger quickly gulps his glass of juice down and asks for a
refill, before the steward has even finished pouring it. "And if you could
add wine for the meal and a can of beer, it would be really nice. But don't
open it, leave it closed, okay?"



The Israeli passenger knows his drink very well. "I'll have a whiskey on the
rocks – but without ice."


The Israeli passenger likes to mention that his niece or the daughter of a
friend of his is a stewardess too, so you must know her (although there are
hundreds of flight attendants). "She travels a lot, she's in New York all
the time."


The Israeli passenger makes his own decision that the flight is over and
gets up, even though the plane is still moving. "What do you want? I'm only
taking my bag from up there, that's all."




The Israeli passenger thinks an airline is a bus company. 'So, do you travel
on this line often?"


The Israeli passenger finds it difficult to read the writing on the lavatory
door ("press here") and ends up dismantling the door. "What's going on? How
do you open this thing?"


The Israeli passenger thinks the travelers' body wastes come out of the
plane and are scattered in the air. "Say, can I use the toilet on the
ground?"


The Israeli passenger knows his "rights" and likes to insist on them. "They
put a fat passenger in front of me and I can't watch the film. I demand
compensation!"



The Israeli passenger doesn't like anyone to sit next to him, and if someone
sits next to him – he should not be in the middle, and if he is in the
middle – he should not have a haredi next to him, and the haredi doesn't
want to sit next to a woman, and the woman doesn't want to sit next to a guy
who flirts with her, and the guy who flirts with her doesn’t want to sit
next to a noisy kid who interrupts his flirting. In short, everyone wants to
sit alone.



The Israeli passenger thinks the airline belongs to your father and that you
really care when he resorts to threats. "This is the last time I fly with
you!"



The Israeli passenger likes to joke. 'Say, can we go out for a smoke? Ha
ha…"


But on the positive side…

The Israeli passenger is also the first to offer to help when someone faints
on the plane. "I was a paramedic in the army, pull his legs up."


And the Israeli passenger appreciates the small plate of hummus served for
lunch. "This is really good. Can I get some more pita bread?"


And the Israeli passenger is the one who sometimes appreciates the flight
attendants' hard work. "You were great, just great," and even writes to the
management about it.


And the Israeli passenger is the one who comes to talk to you in the middle
of the night when everyone's asleep and you're bored. "So you stay up all
night? It must be hard…"



And the Israeli passenger is the one who remembers you from the flight when
you're abroad and helps you in times of need. "Hey, you were the steward on
our flight."


And the Israeli passenger is the one who recommends a really cheap store he
happens to know. "There is a store near Times Square which sells two pairs
of snickers for the price of one, and on Mondays the entire store is 50%
off."


And the Israeli passenger is the one who makes you feel at home when you're
abroad and invites you to dine at his restaurant. "Drop by any time when
you're in Paris. Here's my business card."


And the Israeli passenger is the one who trusts you the most. "Can you keep
an eye on the child for a minute? I'm going to the bathroom."


And the Israeli passenger makes you feel somewhat proud. "I only fly with
you, only with an Israeli airline."


And the Israeli passenger is the one who, despite the hardships of the long
flight, smiles at you when it ends. "It was a terrific flight, thanks!"



So here's the conclusion: The Israeli passenger can be annoying, can act
like an oppressor and a person who deserves everything, but he's also the
one who understands you more than anyone (and you him), who speaks your
language without forcing you to break your teeth, and you may have even
dated his daughter.


But more than anything, he is an Israeli, and if he is an Israeli – it means
he's also you. So next time you fly, remember: The toilet can also be used
on the ground!



And what do you think about the Israeli passenger?

Offline abe1

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Moshe was sitting at the bar staring at his drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig and menacingly says, “Thanks Jew Boy, whatcha going to do about it?" 
 
Moshe burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying. What’s your problem?"

"This is the worst day of my life," Moshe says.  "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the postman and then my dog bit me.
 
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing!
 

"But enough about me, how's your day going?"
 

Offline SuperFlyer

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The Israeli Arrs (not sure how to translate it)

&feature=related

Offline ChAiM'l

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The Israeli Arrs (not sure how to translate it)

&feature=related

In England we call it an "arse".... (I know, I know....)

Offline SuperFlyer

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Moishe had a wife named Gittel, who nagged him unmercifully.

From morning until night (and sometimes later), for the 65 years they had been married, Gittel was always complaining about something.  The only time he got any relief was when he was out buying and selling junk and scrap metal with his old mule, because it took away from home often.

One day, when Moishe was negotiating a deal with another junk dealer, Gittel brought him lunch.  Moishe drove the mule into the shade, sat down on a stump and began to eat his lunch.  Immediately after saying his brochos (blessings), Gittel began nagging him again; Complain, gripe, nag, nag; it just never stopped.  All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet and caught Gittel smack in the back of the head, killing her dead on the spot.
 
At the funeral the next day, one of the Rabbis noticed something rather odd.  When a female mourner approached Moishe, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a male mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.
 
This was so consistent, the Rabbi decided to ask him about it.  After the funeral, the Rabbi spoke to Moishe and asked his old and dear friend why he nodded his head in agreement with all the women, but always shook his head in disagreement with the men.
 
Moishe said, "Well, the women would come up and say something about what a good person my wife was, or how she was such a good cook or devoted wife, so I'd nod my head in agreement."

"And what about the men?" the Rabbi asked.

"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale".

Offline Avid Reader

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There are two types of people in this world: Those that are always ten minutes early, and those that are always ten minutes late. Furthermore, they are always married to each other. - Mark Twain

Offline regalhome

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what did Avruhom say when Efron asked him such a high amount for the land?
THE RENT IS TOO DAMN HIGH...!!!!

Offline elikay

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That's a bit in poor taste IMHO.