Author Topic: Jokes Master Thread  (Read 713994 times)

Offline yoruel

  • Dansdeals Platinum Elite + Lifetime Gold Elite
  • ******
  • Join Date: May 2013
  • Posts: 770
  • Total likes: 11
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 0
    • View Profile
  • Location: New York
On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
And God saw it was good.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God, again saw it was good.

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed it was good.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service. If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch.

Offline Centro

  • Dansdeals Presidential Platinum Elite
  • ********
  • Join Date: May 2012
  • Posts: 2942
  • Total likes: 8
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 33
  • Gender: Male
    • View Profile
📣📣
This year, Tisha baav. No one fasted.
The morning after, no one put on tfilin . And then the night after every1 made havdalah & ate breakfast..
Poor שטן must be so confused.

Offline doodle

  • Dansdeals Gold Elite
  • ***
  • Join Date: Oct 2013
  • Posts: 237
  • Total likes: 9
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 0
    • View Profile
  • Location: Dead Sea
📣📣
This year, Tisha baav. No one fasted.
The morning after, no one put on tfilin . And then the night after every1 made havdalah & ate breakfast..
Poor שטן must be so confused.
  MOSHIACH NOW  :)
Salt Is Good

Offline yuneeq

  • Dansdeals Lifetime Presidential Platinum Elite
  • *********
  • Join Date: Jan 2013
  • Posts: 8879
  • Total likes: 4044
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 10
  • Gender: Male
    • View Profile
  • Location: NJ
📣📣
This year, Tisha baav. No one fasted.
The morning after, no one put on tfilin . And then the night after every1 made havdalah & ate breakfast..
Poor שטן must be so confused.

Sorry to ruin the joke, but some of us put on tefillin today.
Visibly Jewish

Offline doodle

  • Dansdeals Gold Elite
  • ***
  • Join Date: Oct 2013
  • Posts: 237
  • Total likes: 9
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 0
    • View Profile
  • Location: Dead Sea
note the word MORN
Salt Is Good

Offline MeirS

  • Dansdeals Presidential Platinum Elite
  • ********
  • Join Date: Jun 2013
  • Posts: 2555
  • Total likes: 193
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 1
    • View Profile
note the word MORN
IIRC Yuneeq is a ס''ט, they put on Tefillin in the MORN.

Offline Centro

  • Dansdeals Presidential Platinum Elite
  • ********
  • Join Date: May 2012
  • Posts: 2942
  • Total likes: 8
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 33
  • Gender: Male
    • View Profile
note the word MORN

IIRC Yuneeq is a ס''ט, they put on Tefillin in the MORN.
Yeah, I mean yuneeq what's with you?? How dare you try to ruin my joke with such nonsense?? I can tell you didn't eat today..

Offline yuneeq

  • Dansdeals Lifetime Presidential Platinum Elite
  • *********
  • Join Date: Jan 2013
  • Posts: 8879
  • Total likes: 4044
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 10
  • Gender: Male
    • View Profile
  • Location: NJ
Yeah, I mean yuneeq what's with you?? How dare you try to ruin my joke with such nonsense?? I can tell you didn't eat today..

I must've wrapped the straps too tight, still a bit doozy.
Visibly Jewish

Online etech0

  • Dansdeals Lifetime 10K Presidential Platinum Elite
  • *******
  • Join Date: Dec 2013
  • Posts: 12915
  • Total likes: 3370
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 1
    • View Profile
  • Location: not lakewood
  • Programs: DDF
Workflowy. You won't know what you're missing until you try it.

Offline Achas Veachas

  • Dansdeals Presidential Platinum Elite
  • ********
  • Join Date: Jul 2012
  • Posts: 4789
  • Total likes: 114
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 3
    • View Profile
    • Torah && Tech
The morning after the 2000 elections Joe Lieberman wakes up late, he walks into the kitchen with a dejected look on his face. His wife Hadassah looks up and says "Joe, Joe, don't be so upset, in this house you'll ALWAYS be Vice President!"

Offline David Smith

  • Dansdeals Lifetime Presidential Platinum Elite
  • *********
  • Join Date: Jun 2015
  • Posts: 8134
  • Total likes: 212
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 13
    • View Profile
The morning after the 2000 elections Joe Lieberman wakes up late, he walks into the kitchen with a dejected look on his face. His wife Hadassah looks up and says "Joe, Joe, don't be so upset, in this house you'll ALWAYS be Vice President!"
Old sheva brachos speech joke.
Who do you think you are fooling? You think you are going to pull a quick one on your Creator? Good luck with that.
JTZ

Offline Centro

  • Dansdeals Presidential Platinum Elite
  • ********
  • Join Date: May 2012
  • Posts: 2942
  • Total likes: 8
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 33
  • Gender: Male
    • View Profile

Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased you can hear again." To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will five times!"

Offline wayfe

  • Dansdeals Platinum Elite + Lifetime Gold Elite
  • ******
  • Join Date: Mar 2013
  • Posts: 828
  • Total likes: 140
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 6
    • View Profile
A Buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog vendor and says "make me one with everything"
"I would rather have questions that can't be answered than answers which can't be questioned."
— Richard Feynman

Offline ADG

  • Dansdeals Lifetime Platinum Elite
  • *******
  • Join Date: Apr 2015
  • Posts: 1469
  • Total likes: 79
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 0
    • View Profile
  • Location: BK
A Buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog vendor and says "make me one with everything"

I am laughing even though i dont get it:)

Offline stbaum

  • Dansdeals Lifetime Platinum Elite
  • *******
  • Join Date: Apr 2014
  • Posts: 1345
  • Total likes: 60
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 0
  • Gender: Female
    • View Profile
I am laughing even though i dont get it:)

do you want me to explain it or will it detract from the joke?
My greatest achievement? I am fluent in FRIENDS quotes

Offline username

  • Dansdeals Presidential Platinum Elite
  • ********
  • Join Date: Jul 2008
  • Posts: 4641
  • Total likes: 612
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 14
  • Gender: Male
    • View Profile
  • Location: C Heights
  • Programs: ┌──────────────────┐ │───> Ữ₴ΣЯИΛΜӘ <─── │ └──────────────────┘
Ah.....just got it!

^^^

Online Yehuda57

  • Dansdeals Lifetime Presidential Platinum Elite
  • *********
  • Join Date: Jan 2014
  • Posts: 5175
  • Total likes: 14849
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 6
    • View Profile
    • Squilled
  • Location: Brooklyn
  • Programs: Official Dansdeals salad correspondent
A Buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog vendor and says "make me one with everything"
https://youtu.be/xlIrI80og8c

Offline Sholom123

  • Dansdeals Gold Elite
  • ***
  • Join Date: Feb 2015
  • Posts: 208
  • Total likes: 5
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 0
    • View Profile
  • Location: Olam haze
The dali lama comes to new york for a visit and wants to yaste the legendary hot dogs from the food trucks, so he walks up to an old yiddel selling dogs and asks him for a hot dog with everything inside,
the yiddel gives it to him and asks for 2.75, not having the exact money the dali lama hands him a 20, the yiddel pockets it and moves on to the next customer, shocked he turns to the yiddel and asks: mister where is my change?
And the yid answers "change has to come from within"!

Offline stbaum

  • Dansdeals Lifetime Platinum Elite
  • *******
  • Join Date: Apr 2014
  • Posts: 1345
  • Total likes: 60
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 0
  • Gender: Female
    • View Profile

The dali lama comes to new york for a visit and wants to yaste the legendary hot dogs from the food trucks, so he walks up to an old yiddel selling dogs and asks him for a hot dog with everything inside,
the yiddel gives it to him and asks for 2.75, not having the exact money the dali lama hands him a 20, the yiddel pockets it and moves on to the next customer, shocked he turns to the yiddel and asks: mister where is my change?
And the yid answers "change has to come from within"!

Heard something similar with a therapist. You have to want the change... Something to that effect
My greatest achievement? I am fluent in FRIENDS quotes

Offline chaimmayer

  • Dansdeals Lifetime Platinum Elite
  • *******
  • Join Date: Nov 2011
  • Posts: 1212
  • Total likes: 24
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 1
    • View Profile
  • Location: florida
do you want me to explain it or will it detract from the joke?
In my family the worst עבירה you could be עובר is בל תסביר.