Jokes Master Thread

[Work-for-ur-muny]

Similarly I heard in the name of Rabbi Hirshprung A"H from Montreal:

In Bava Basra Daf 23b it says that they kicked Rabbi Yirmia out of the Beis Medrash and then in Daf 165b it says that they allowed him back in. How long he wasn't allowed in for? It depends what kind of Beis Medrash it was, if it was a Chassidishe Beis Medrash, then from Daf 23 to 165 was no more than half a year, but if it was a Litvishe Beis Medrash then it must have taken at least 100 years...

FTFY
 

[Iz]

FTFY
 

Not fixed; just updated.

[Work-for-ur-muny]

Not fixed; just updated.

You mean it's more than 10 years and they still didn't get there...

[Iz]

You mean it's more than 10 years and they still didn't get there...

I meant that it just gets slower and slower. Read Rav Shach's descriptions of how "slow" the yeshivos learned, and you might wonder why he's calling that slow... Anyway, wrong thread for this serious discussion. People come here for their milsa d'bedichusa.

[Work-for-ur-muny]

I meant that it just gets slower and slower. Read Rav Shach's descriptions of how "slow" the yeshivos learned, and you might wonder why he's calling that slow... Anyway, wrong thread for this serious discussion. People come here for their milsa d'bedichusa.

You're right. For many this is a very sad topic... 
Like Yankel Miller once said: "I don't know why everyone is making jokes about shvigers. It's not nice! There are much nicer things than shvigers to make jokes about..."

[chaimmayer]

someone told me in a litvishe yeshiva they auctioned off the kibbudim for blatt gemara.
One guy bid 30 blatt the next outdid and said "I'm only going to learn 25."  Finally someone bid to learn only 5 and he was the winner.

[Work-for-ur-muny]

someone told me in a litvishe yeshiva they auctioned off the kibbudim for blatt gemara.
One guy bid 30 blatt the next outdid and said "I'm only going to learn 25."  Finally someone bid to learn only 5 and he was the winner.

Sounds kinda like the bargaining in the Arabic shuk in Yerushalayim's Old City...  They say, the Arabs know how to count backward even faster than they can count forward...

[yos9694]

I guess this would have been better timed a couple of weeks ago, but the topic only turned to Litvak jokes now. In Vayigash the torah tells us וְאֶת יְהוּדָה שָׁלַח לְפָנָיו, and Rashi brings down ומדרש אגדה להורות לפניו לתקן לו בית תלמוד.

The obvious question is how did Rashi know that he went to set up Beis Hatalmud and not a different yeshiva such as Vizhnitz (which you and I would have imagined is the more obvious yeshiva, given that we know from Parshas Vayeitzei that Yaakov wore a shtreimel)?

The answer is because when Yosef sent word that he was still alive, he sent wagons as a hint to the sugya they were learning together when Yosef disappeared (eglah arufah). Rashi knew that if he was still learning the same sugya 23 years later, the yeshiva Yaakov set up must have been Beis Hatalmud.

[shoobi]

How do you get 100 old ladies to yell "F**K" at the same time?  Get one lady to yell "BINGO"

Hilarious!! I laughed out loud

[shoobi]

Amazing how everybody's always on their phones all the time!... At restaurants, movies, gym ( so I've heard), while driving, eating, walking, talking... It's crazy.
The other day I was at a funeral when the person next to me asked the Rabbi for the wifi code at the cemetery...
The cemetery of all places!
"Have some respect for the dead," answered the Rabbi
"Thank you Rabbi," the person replied, " is that all lower case?"

[Work-for-ur-muny]

I guess this would have been better timed a couple of weeks ago, but the topic only turned to Litvak jokes now. In Vayigash the torah tells us וְאֶת יְהוּדָה שָׁלַח לְפָנָיו, and Rashi brings down ומדרש אגדה להורות לפניו לתקן לו בית תלמוד.

The obvious question is how did Rashi know that he went to set up Beis Hatalmud and not a different yeshiva such as Vizhnitz (which you and I would have imagined is the more obvious yeshiva, given that we know from Parshas Vayeitzei that Yaakov wore a shtreimel)?

The answer is because when Yosef sent word that he was still alive, he sent wagons as a hint to the sugya they were learning together when Yosef disappeared (eglah arufah). Rashi knew that if he was still learning the same sugya 23 years later, the yeshiva Yaakov set up must have been Beis Hatalmud.

[TimT]

Amazing how everybody's always on their phones all the time!... At restaurants, movies, gym ( so I've heard), while driving, eating, walking, talking... It's crazy.
The other day I was at a funeral when the person next to me asked the Rabbi for the wifi code at the cemetery...
The cemetery of all places!
"Have some respect for the dead," answered the Rabbi
"Thank you Rabbi," the person replied, " is that all lower case?"

lol

[Work-for-ur-muny]

Two buddies were once comparing notes on the difficulties of running a small business.
"I started a new practice last year," the first one said. "I insist that each of my employees take at least a week off every three months." "Why in the world would you do that?" the other asked. He responded, "It's the best way I can learn which ones I can do without."                                       

[skyguy918]

Amazing how everybody's always on their phones all the time!... At restaurants, movies, gym ( so I've heard), while driving, eating, walking, talking... It's crazy.
The other day I was at a funeral when the person next to me asked the Rabbi for the wifi code at the cemetery...
The cemetery of all places!
"Have some respect for the dead," answered the Rabbi
"Thank you Rabbi," the person replied, " is that all lower case?"

Warning - bit of language at the end. If you can't figure it out, the password is in the description.

[eliraps]

I guess this would have been better timed a couple of weeks ago, but the topic only turned to Litvak jokes now. In Vayigash the torah tells us וְאֶת יְהוּדָה שָׁלַח לְפָנָיו, and Rashi brings down ומדרש אגדה להורות לפניו לתקן לו בית תלמוד.

The obvious question is how did Rashi know that he went to set up Beis Hatalmud and not a different yeshiva such as Vizhnitz (which you and I would have imagined is the more obvious yeshiva, given that we know from Parshas Vayeitzei that Yaakov wore a shtreimel)?

The answer is because when Yosef sent word that he was still alive, he sent wagons as a hint to the sugya they were learning together when Yosef disappeared (eglah arufah). Rashi knew that if he was still learning the same sugya 23 years later, the yeshiva Yaakov set up must have been Beis Hatalmud.

The Satmar Rov Z"L said this 'vort' when he went to visit Beis Hatalmud before pesach and was told that they are up to daf 6....

[Work-for-ur-muny]

The Satmar Rov Z"L said this 'vort' when he went to visit Beis Hatalmud before pesach and was told that they are up to daf 6....

So how many blatt are there in maseches egla arufa? Do the math. 

[Achas Veachas]

What don't you understand? It says Vayeitze Yaakov. You think Yaakov Avinu would go out without a Shtreimel?!

[Work-for-ur-muny]

What don't you understand? It says Vayeitze Yaakov. You think Yaakov Avinu would go out without a Shtreimel?!

Then Moshe Rabbeinu went with a frak. No question about that one.

[good sam]

What don't you understand? It says Vayeitze Yaakov. You think Yaakov Avinu would go out without a Shtreimel?!

Lol. He played right into that one

[12HRS]

What don't you understand? It says Vayeitze Yaakov. You think Yaakov Avinu would go out without a Shtreimel?!

I'll bring you a proof Moshe was a Satmar.

We know the Mishkan was 10 amos tall and Moshe was also 10 amos tall.
Obviously Moshe was wearing a hat and the only one that would fit is a flat hat.