Author Topic: Jokes Master Thread  (Read 471657 times)

Offline Yaalili

  • Dansdeals Lifetime 10K Presidential Platinum Elite
  • *******
  • Join Date: Jul 2009
  • Posts: 12332
  • Total likes: 296
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 153
  • Gender: Male
    • View Profile
  • Location: Crown Heights, NY
  • Programs: Caesars Diamond, F9 100K, Hilton Diamond, Hyatt Globalist, IHG Spire, Marriott Silver, Radisson Gold, Wyndham Diamond, DansDeals Lifetime 10K Presidential Platinum Elite.
DUMB BLONDIE JOKE

A man turns on the radio at work, and hears that there is a vehicle driving the wrong way on the highway, nervous for his wife who is a first time driver, he calls her up.
"Honey, be very careful there is someone driving the wrong way"
"What" she replies "there are all driving the wrong way..."


Offline Mikeoracle

  • Dansdeals Lifetime Platinum Elite
  • *******
  • Join Date: Aug 2008
  • Posts: 2024
  • Total likes: 64
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 4
  • Gender: Male
    • View Profile
  • Location: NJ
A man asks his wife "What would you do if I won the Lotto?"
She says, "I'd take my half and leave you!"
"Excellent! I won 12 bucks, here's 6 now get the $@#% outa here...."

Offline SuperFlyer

  • Dansdeals Lifetime Presidential Platinum Elite
  • *********
  • Join Date: Jul 2009
  • Posts: 8904
  • Total likes: 142
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 0
    • View Profile
Blonds:

Did you hear about the near tragedy when a blond got stuck for hours on the escalator?


They found 2 blonde girls frozen to death in their car at the drive-in movie theatre. They went to see "Closed For The Winter".


Offline SuperFlyer

  • Dansdeals Lifetime Presidential Platinum Elite
  • *********
  • Join Date: Jul 2009
  • Posts: 8904
  • Total likes: 142
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 0
    • View Profile
I just found a brilliant way to get people to buy new PC screens;

(hint: my signature...)


-------------------------------------------

Did you hear about the guy that dreamed that he ate worlds biggest marshmallow ?

The guy woke up, and just couldn't find his pillow....


--------------------------------------------
More Headroom



--------------------------------------------

Rapping Flight Attendant



« Last Edit: January 06, 2010, 11:08:30 AM by SuperFlyer »

Offline MOSES

  • Dansdeals Platinum Elite + Lifetime Gold Elite
  • ******
  • Join Date: Oct 2009
  • Posts: 789
  • Total likes: 0
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 0
    • View Profile
This is a good one

"Mezuzah!"

Opening his front door, the Rabbi found himself
face to face with the local priest. "Rabbi, may I
have a few words with you?" asked the priest.
 
"Of course, Father," replied the Rabbi somewhat
nervously.
 
"Rabbi," began the priest, "It must be evident to
you that in this town we are plagued by thieves. 
Scarcely a day passes without one of my flock
coming to me bemoaning the fact that his house
has been broken into.. On the other hand, I have
noticed that thieves do not bother you Jews nearly
as much."

"Father, you are correct."

"Yes, but why is that?" inquired the priest.

"Look at this little box here on the side of my door
post," said the Rabbi. "It's called a mezuzah. We
Jews believe that when we put a mezuzah on the
entrances to our houses, the Holy One, may His Name
be blessed, protects both us and our property."
 
"In that case", replied the priest, "I must have one!"

Not wishing to be the cause of an incipient pogrom,
the Rabbi reluctantly handed over a mezuzah to the
priest.

Some two weeks later the Rabbi was awakened by
the sound of someone pounding violently on his door.
Dressing himself hastily, he made his way down the
stairs. "Who's there?" the Rabbi asked tremulously.

"Open the door! Open the door!" screamed a voice
on the other side. Leaving the door on the chain, the
Rabbi racked the door wide enough to see the priest
standing in front of him, his eyes wild with great
distraught.

"What happened?" asked the terrified Rabbi. "Were
you not protected from robbers?"

"I was! But these people were worse than robbers!"
screamed the priest.
 
"Who?" asked the rabbi.

"Fundraisers!!"
 

Offline Charles The Govenor

  • Dansdeals Platinum Elite + Lifetime Gold Elite
  • ******
  • Join Date: Jun 2008
  • Posts: 864
  • Total likes: 0
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 0
  • Gender: Male
    • View Profile
Delta pilot turned engine on a little too early...
Awesome pix.




I'd love to fly with those guys, which mileage card should I present?





Cabin crew, landing in 2 minutes, BTW, the kid almost made it...






I somehow think the driver won't get a raise for some time...





No Comment







star alliance

Offline MOSES

  • Dansdeals Platinum Elite + Lifetime Gold Elite
  • ******
  • Join Date: Oct 2009
  • Posts: 789
  • Total likes: 0
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 0
    • View Profile
you just quoted him?? I am confused!!

Offline SuperFlyer

  • Dansdeals Lifetime Presidential Platinum Elite
  • *********
  • Join Date: Jul 2009
  • Posts: 8904
  • Total likes: 142
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 0
    • View Profile
you just quoted him?? I am confused!!

me too, actually he added before the delta picture "Awesome pix."

Offline MOSES

  • Dansdeals Platinum Elite + Lifetime Gold Elite
  • ******
  • Join Date: Oct 2009
  • Posts: 789
  • Total likes: 0
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 0
    • View Profile
me too, actually he added before the delta picture "Awesome pix."
oh got it

Offline Dan

  • Administrator
  • Dansdeals Lifetime 50K Presidential Platinum Elite
  • **********
  • Join Date: May 2008
  • Posts: 61719
  • Total likes: 8879
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 16442
  • Gender: Male
    • View Profile
  • Location: CLE
  • Programs: UA Global Services, AA Lifetime Plat, DL Dirt, SPG Plat, Hyatt Diamond, Fairmont Lifetime Plat, Hilton Diamond, Priority Club Plat, Avis Chairman, National EE, Hertz PC
"Whenever I see a man with a beard, a mustache, and glasses, I think, There's a man who has taken every precaution to avoid people doodling on photographs of him"
Save your time, I don't answer PM. Post it in the forum and a dedicated DDF'er will get back to you as soon as possible.

Offline SuperFlyer

  • Dansdeals Lifetime Presidential Platinum Elite
  • *********
  • Join Date: Jul 2009
  • Posts: 8904
  • Total likes: 142
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 0
    • View Profile

Offline SuperFlyer

  • Dansdeals Lifetime Presidential Platinum Elite
  • *********
  • Join Date: Jul 2009
  • Posts: 8904
  • Total likes: 142
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 0
    • View Profile

Offline SuperFlyer

  • Dansdeals Lifetime Presidential Platinum Elite
  • *********
  • Join Date: Jul 2009
  • Posts: 8904
  • Total likes: 142
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 0
    • View Profile

Offline SuperFlyer

  • Dansdeals Lifetime Presidential Platinum Elite
  • *********
  • Join Date: Jul 2009
  • Posts: 8904
  • Total likes: 142
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 0
    • View Profile

Offline Charles The Govenor

  • Dansdeals Platinum Elite + Lifetime Gold Elite
  • ******
  • Join Date: Jun 2008
  • Posts: 864
  • Total likes: 0
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 0
  • Gender: Male
    • View Profile
????Man to Wife: "If my life will one day depend on a machine, don't let me suffer, just turn it off..... wife stands up and turns off his blackberry!
star alliance

Offline SuperFlyer

  • Dansdeals Lifetime Presidential Platinum Elite
  • *********
  • Join Date: Jul 2009
  • Posts: 8904
  • Total likes: 142
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 0
    • View Profile
A European chusid, walks into a posh mehadrin restaurant in Manhattan.

He is very pleased and surprised to see that the Chinese waiter, speaks a fluent chassidish yiddish.

After the meal this chusid approaches the manager of the restaurant, and asks him:"How come this Chinese waiter speaks such a juicy yiddish?"

So the manager says to him:"Shshshsh, quit ! He thinks he is learning English!"

Offline MOSES

  • Dansdeals Platinum Elite + Lifetime Gold Elite
  • ******
  • Join Date: Oct 2009
  • Posts: 789
  • Total likes: 0
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 0
    • View Profile
????Man to Wife: "If my life will one day depend on a machine, don't let me suffer, just turn it off..... wife stands up and turns off his blackberry!
Thanks a good one!

Offline hocker

  • Dansdeals Presidential Platinum Elite
  • ********
  • Join Date: Oct 2009
  • Posts: 3440
  • Total likes: 64
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 5
  • Gender: Male
    • View Profile
????Man to Wife: "If my life will one day depend on a machine, don't let me suffer, just turn it off..... wife stands up and turns off his blackberry!
she makes "Eror 500"! lol
Car Rentals in Israel - http://www.rechev.rentals/

Offline SuperFlyer

  • Dansdeals Lifetime Presidential Platinum Elite
  • *********
  • Join Date: Jul 2009
  • Posts: 8904
  • Total likes: 142
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 0
    • View Profile
she makes "Eror 500"! lol

Thats patented with DD. Worwide patents pending.

(actually since the new server it runs much smoother).

Offline SuperFlyer

  • Dansdeals Lifetime Presidential Platinum Elite
  • *********
  • Join Date: Jul 2009
  • Posts: 8904
  • Total likes: 142
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 0
    • View Profile