Jokes Master Thread

[ExGingi]

The famous vort:
How do you know that Yaakov wore a shtreimel?
It says vayaitze Yaakov mibe'er Sheva, you think Yaakov would go out without a shtreimel?

Well the Shtreimel is implicit. But Moshe Rabbeinu walking and talking (hence using a cell phone) is explicit!

[VacationLover]

HEAVEN is: Where the mechanics are German the policemen are English the cooks are French the lovers are Italian and everything is run by the Swiss.

HELL is: Where the mechanics are French the policemen are German the cooks are English the lovers are Swiss
and everything is run by the Italians.

[MosheD]

HEAVEN is: Where the mechanics are German the policemen are English the cooks are French the lovers are Italian and everything is run by the Swiss.

HELL is: Where the mechanics are French the policemen are German the cooks are English the lovers are Swiss
and everything is run by the Italians.

Where do we come in?

[Work-for-ur-muny]

Where do we come in?

We get to choose where to go! 

[Work-for-ur-muny]

Name of Purim

Haman was hanging on the tree all covered with trash, the crowd stood around and looked… They all said the same thing… POOR HIM… And that’s how the name PURIM came about… Haman also happens to had the tallest “Family Tree” in the history…

(Heard from a fellow Lifeplex Sauna feet-scratcher)

(I put it in quotes because it's not me signing the part in the parenthesis.)

[shoobi]

They say the story about a Jew who was stopped by the police in Russia, and was asked his age.
He couldn't figure out if to say he was older or younger than he really was.,.

There's also a Russian joke about a few guys in a gulag camp in Siberia. They're asking each other what they are there for. One guy says, I'm here for listening to American music, I got 20 years. Another says, I'm here for wearing jeans, I got 15 years. A third guy says, I'm here for nothing, I got 10 years. What!, they ask. Can't be! For nothing the sentence is 20 years! 

[Work-for-ur-muny]

Reminds me of a different one about Russia.
A Yid gibt zich an eitzah:
 A Jew was caught muttering under his breath "a fardrekte land.." and was immediately arrested by a Yid-turned-informant nebach. A few months later, at his court hearing the judge asked the Jew if he admits to the crime he's being prosecuted for, to which he replies "yu, ich hub es gezugt, uber ich hub nisht gemeint di muter rusland, nur di feter America". The judge accepted his claim and acquited him of the charges. He then speaks up and asks the judge if he can add something. After permission he says that in fact, the police who arrested him should be sent to Siberia instead because if every time he hears someone speak ill of a country he immediately assumes that it means Mother Russia. "Wonderful", claims the judge. "I now sentence this police to the same term that you were to get!" While being led out in chains the Jew hears the police muttering under his breath "a fardrekte land.." He answers, "Ich hub dir gezugt...!!!"

[hachover]

Reminds me of a different one about Russia.
A Yid gibt zich an eitzah:
 A Jew was caught muttering under his breath "a fardrekte land.." and was immediately arrested by a Yid-turned-informant nebach. A few months later, at his court hearing the judge asked the Jew if he admits to the crime he's being prosecuted for, to which he replies "yu, ich hub es gezugt, uber ich hub nisht gemeint di muter rusland, nur di feter America". The judge accepted his claim and acquited him of the charges. He then speaks up and asks the judge if he can add something. After permission he says that in fact, the police who arrested him should be sent to Siberia instead because if every time he hears someone speak ill of a country he immediately assumes that it means Mother Russia. "Wonderful", claims the judge. "I now sentence this police to the same term that you were to get!" While being led out in chains the Jew hears the police muttering under his breath "a fardrekte land.." He answers, "Ich hub dir gezugt...!!!"

ALOL

[wayfe]

The past, the present, and the future walked into a bar.

.    It was tense...

[yoruel]

What was Donald Trumps   kibud at his grandsons bris? Name caller

[Work-for-ur-muny]

The past, the present, and the future walked into a bar funeral home....

.    It was tense...

[grodnoking]

😜 Do your know that drinking beer will turn you into a WOMAN?  This is a scientifically proven fact. Read on convince yourself!





Now, as if everything else wasn’t bad enough, we find out that beer isn’t good for men. Beer contains female hormones!
 
Last month, Montreal University scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that Beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phyto-estrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.
 
To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 large drafts of beer within a one (1) hour period.
 
It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects, yes, 100% of all these men:
 
1) Argued - over nothing;
 
2) Refused - to apologize when obviously wrong;
 
 
4) Talked - excessively without making sense;
 
5) Became - overly emotional;
 
6) Couldn't - drive;
 
7) Failed - to think rationally.
 
No further testing was considered necessary!
 
Send this to the men you know to warn them about drinking too much beer

[David Smith]

😜

NSFW (not safe for wife)

[chaimmayer]

NSFW (not safe for wife)

I'm going to live dangerously and give it a try 

[jj1000]

😜 Do your know that drinking beer will turn you into a WOMAN?  This is a scientifically proven fact. Read on convince yourself!





Now, as if everything else wasn’t bad enough, we find out that beer isn’t good for men. Beer contains female hormones!
 
Last month, Montreal University scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that Beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phyto-estrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.
 
To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 large drafts of beer within a one (1) hour period.
 
It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects, yes, 100% of all these men:
 
1) Argued - over nothing;
 
2) Refused - to apologize when obviously wrong;
 
 
4) Talked - excessively without making sense;
 
5) Became - overly emotional;
 
6) Couldn't - drive;
 
7) Failed - to think rationally.
 
No further testing was considered necessary!
 
Send this to the men you know to warn them about drinking too much beer

Should add have to pee every 5 minutes.

[stbaum]

I just want to know what was #3

[Super Speed]

I just want to know what was #3

Should add have to pee every 5 minutes.

[stbaum]

meh. not all women are pregnant all the time

[aygart]

I just want to know what was #3

Use either your imagination or google. Your choice.

[stbaum]

Ten Reasons why Beer is better than a Man:
1. A good beer is easy to find.
2. Having a beer can't make you pregnant.
3. A beer won't mind at all if you're not in the mood for beer.
4. A beer won't get jealous if you enjoy another beer.
5. A beer can't interrupt.
6. A beer doesn't belch. Or fart.
7. A beer lasts longer than seven seconds.
8. If the beer is finished before you are, you can have another beer.
9. A beer doesn't want to go out alone with the other beers.
10. Having a beer doesn't make you want to take a shower.