Jokes Master Thread

[Moshe123]

Slippery sloping....

[hachover]

רק בפסח תמצא גבאי של בית כנסת נכנס לעזרת נשים ושואל יש לכולם מחזור וכולם יגידו כן⁠⁠

K'mduma li you could have posted that in English without losing any effect

[good sam]

explain?

[ExGingi]

K'mduma li you could have posted that in English without losing any effect

You probably don't know Hebrew (עברית) and therefore don't understand. The "joke" you were responding to should really be deleted from this thread!

[joe1234]

You probably don't know Hebrew (עברית) and therefore don't understand. The "joke" you were responding to should really be deleted from this thread!

now i get it!

[Brian93]

Isn't a מחזור for ר''ה/יוה''כ though?

[good sam]

Ok, so I get the double meaning but don't get why is funny.

[SuperFlyer]

Not funny, and not appropriate.
Mine was already a little naughty.

[ExGingi]

Isn't a מחזור for ר''ה/יוה''כ though?

You must have only davened in Lubavitch (or maybe also Sefardi) shuls on שלש רגלים.

I was going to say that in a Lubavitch shul this would be totally untrue.

[dudi]

Dave is walking down the street and sees a store with tons of watches in the window.
So he walks in and speaks to Menachem behind the counter
Dave: I would like to buy a watch
Menachem: I don't sell watches
Dave: so what do you do
Menachem: I'm a mohel
Dave: so why do you have watches in the window
Menachem: what do you want me to have in the window?

[Freddie]

רק בפסח תמצא גבאי של בית כנסת נכנס לעזרת נשים ושואל יש לכולם מחזור וכולם יגידו כן⁠⁠

I get the pun but what's the connection to Pesach?

[dudi]

I get the pun but what's the connection to Pesach?

What are you gonna write? רק בפסח וביום כיפור ובראש השנה לשבועות ובסוכות?

[aygart]

What are you gonna write? רק בפסח וביום כיפור ובראש השנה לשבועות ובסוכות?

רק ביום טוב? רק בחגים? וכדומה

[ExGingi]

What are you gonna write? רק בפסח וביום כיפור ובראש השנה לשבועות ובסוכות?

Certain communities only use Machzorim on ראש השנה ויום הכיפורים.

[username]

E.B. White — Explaining a joke is like dissecting a frog. You understand it better but the frog dies in the process.

Next.

[Shmulie]

An atheist was seated next to a Rabbi on an airplane and he turned to him and said, "Would you like to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with a fellow passenger."
The Rabbi, who had just started to read his sefer, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about how there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.
"OK," said the Rabbi, "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"
The atheist, visibly surprised by the Rabbi's question, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which the Rabbi replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss whether there is no God, Heaven or Hell, when you don't know shit?"
Needless to say, he was able to learn from his sefer uninterrupted for the duration of the flight.

[akivak]

Dear Chase,
It saddens me, but I am starting to question your commitment to our relationship. After you proposed Marriott and we were United, our connection soared to a new Hyatt. We’ve shared a lot these last few months – shopping, dining out, and my favorite: traveling the Southwest. I really thought we had reached the Premier level, but you wanted to stop at Plus. I guess that Sapphire you gave me didn’t mean as much as I thought.
Oh Chase, I am an Ink-stained wretch! Is this letter pointless? Do I even have any business writing to you this way? If I beg, would you reconsider for 2 weeks or only 7-10 days like last time?
I confess that I tried to rush things between us, because I value your Companion Pass companionship so much. I was worried that you would start to object to my many previous relationships in the last 24 months. Chase, they don't mean anything to me -- they were just 3 month stands, usually less.
You are not giving me enough credit for the effort that I put into this relationship. It feels like UR only giving 1%, sometimes 2%. I think we should take a break for a while to think about whether we should stay together.
I’m taking the Express to the Citi to stay with friends. Maybe I’ll take AAdvantage of my Freedom and find someone else – Amexican MR. who will Surpass you and Serve me EveryDay with Gold and Platinum. A faithful correspondent who will send me Plenti of letters like PRG, BCP, and SPG. Someone with Prestige who will treat me with HHonor, or at least appreciate me enough to say ThankYou® once in a while.
Is this goodbye? Perhaps.
Ohhhh, who am I kidding? We both know I’ll be back someday. Probably in 3 months.
(smile)ing through my tears,
Miley

[Dr Moose]

Lol

[Work-for-ur-muny]

Dear Chase,
It saddens me, but I am starting to question your commitment to our relationship. After you proposed Marriott and we were United, our connection soared to a new Hyatt. We’ve shared a lot these last few months – shopping, dining out, and my favorite: traveling the Southwest. I really thought we had reached the Premier level, but you wanted to stop at Plus. I guess that Sapphire you gave me didn’t mean as much as I thought.
Oh Chase, I am an Ink-stained wretch! Is this letter pointless? Do I even have any business writing to you this way? If I beg, would you reconsider for 2 weeks or only 7-10 days like last time?
I confess that I tried to rush things between us, because I value your Companion Pass companionship so much. I was worried that you would start to object to my many previous relationships in the last 24 months. Chase, they don't mean anything to me -- they were just 3 month stands, usually less.
You are not giving me enough credit for the effort that I put into this relationship. It feels like UR only giving 1%, sometimes 2%. I think we should take a break for a while to think about whether we should stay together.
I’m taking the Express to the Citi to stay with friends. Maybe I’ll take AAdvantage of my Freedom and find someone else – Amexican MR. who will Surpass you and Serve me EveryDay with Gold and Platinum. A faithful correspondent who will send me Plenti of letters like PRG, BCP, and SPG. Someone with Prestige who will treat me with HHonor, or at least appreciate me enough to say ThankYou® once in a while.
Is this goodbye? Perhaps.
Ohhhh, who am I kidding? We both know I’ll be back someday. Probably in 3 months.
(smile)ing through my tears,
Miley

Very cute. Your own?

[Emkay]

Very cute. Your own?

Reddit.