Author Topic: Jokes Master Thread  (Read 704950 times)

Offline MeirS

  • Dansdeals Presidential Platinum Elite
  • ********
  • Join Date: Jun 2013
  • Posts: 2552
  • Total likes: 193
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 1
    • View Profile
Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2260 on: January 25, 2017, 12:51:02 PM »
Obama meets the Queen. "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government?  Are there any tips you can give me?"

"Well," said the Queen. "The important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Obama frowned and then asked, "but how do I know if the people around me are really intelligent? "

The Queen took a sip of champagne.

"Oh, that's easy: you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle. Watch:

The Queen pushed a button on her intercom.  "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you? "

Tony Blair walked into the room and said, "Yes, Your Majesty? "

The Queen smiled and said.
"Answer me this please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child.  It is not your brother and it is not your sister.  Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answered, "That would be me!"

"Yes, very good," said the Queen.

Obama went back home to ask Joe Biden the same question.

"Joe, answer this for me.  Your mother and father have a child.  It's not your brother and it's not your sister.  Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," said Biden. "Let me get back to you on that one."

He went to his advisers and asked everyone.

But none could give him an answer. 

Frustrated, Biden went to work out in Congressional gym and saw Paul Ryan there.

Biden went up to him and asked, "Hey, Paul, see if you can answer this question. Your mother and father have a child, and it's not your brother or your sister.  Who is it?"

Paul Ryan answered, "That's easy; it's me!"

Biden smiled and said, "Good answer, Paul!".

Biden then went back to speak with President Obama.

"Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle.

"It's Paul Ryan!"

Obama got up, stomped over to Biden and angrily yelled into his face,

"NO, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"

AND THAT, MY FRIENDS, IS PRECISELY WHAT'S BEEN HAPPENING AT THE WHITE HOUSE FOR THE PAST 8 YEARS......

Offline MeirS

  • Dansdeals Presidential Platinum Elite
  • ********
  • Join Date: Jun 2013
  • Posts: 2552
  • Total likes: 193
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 1
    • View Profile
Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2261 on: January 31, 2017, 01:15:24 AM »
Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?
Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things.
Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price?
Clerk: Our lowest price is $12 a gallon, and we have 60 different prices up to $200 a gallon.
Customer: What’s the difference in the paint?
Clerk: Oh, there isn’t any difference; it’s all the same paint.
Customer: Well, then I’d like some of that $12 paint.
Clerk: When do you intend to use the paint?
Customer: I want to paint tomorrow. It’s my day off.
Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.
Customer: When would I have to paint to get the $12 paint?
Clerk: You would have to start very late at night in about 3 weeks. But you will have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.
Customer: You’ve got to be *&%^#@* kidding!
Clerk: I’ll check and see if we have any paint available.
Customer: You have shelves FULL of paint! I can see it!
Clerk: But it doesn’t mean that we have paint available. We sell only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way, the price per gallon just went to $16. We don’t have any more $12 paint.
Customer: The price went up as we were talking?
Clerk: Yes, sir. We change the prices and rules hundreds of times a day, and since you haven’t actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we just decided to change. I suggest you purchase your paint as soon as possible. How many gallons do you want?
Customer: Well, maybe five gallons. Make that six, so I’ll have enough.
Clerk: Oh no, sir, you can’t do that. If you buy paint and don’t use it, there are penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have.
Customer: WHAT?
Clerk: We can sell enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the bedroom, you will lose your remaining gallons of paint.
Customer: What does it matter whether I use all the paint? I already paid you for it!
Clerk: We make plans based upon the idea that all our paint is used, every drop. If you don’t, it causes us all sorts of problems.
Customer: This is crazy!! I suppose something terrible happens if I don’t keep painting until after Saturday night!
Clerk: Oh yes! Every gallon you bought automatically becomes the $200 paint.
Customer: But what are all these, “Paint on sale from $10 a litre” signs?
Clerk: Well that’s for our budget paint. It only comes in half-gallons. One $5 half-gallon will do half a room. The second half-gallon to complete the room is $20. None of the cans have labels, some are empty and there are no refunds, even on the empty cans.
Customer: To hell with this! I’ll buy what I need somewhere else!
Clerk: I don’t think so, sir. You may be able to buy paint for your bathroom and bedrooms, and your kitchen and dining room from someone else, but you won’t be able to paint your connecting hall and stairway from anyone but us. And I should point out, sir, that if you paint in only one direction, it will be $300 a gallon.
Customer: I thought your most expensive paint was $200!
Clerk: That’s if you paint around the room to the point at which you started. A hallway is different.
Customer: And if I buy $200 paint for the hall, but only paint in one direction, you’ll confiscate the remaining paint.
Clerk: No, we’ll charge you an extra use fee plus the difference on your next gallon of paint. But I believe you’re getting it now, sir.
Customer: You’re insane!
Clerk: Thanks for painting with Friday Fun Airlines!
« Last Edit: January 31, 2017, 01:28:29 AM by MeirS »

Offline MeirS

  • Dansdeals Presidential Platinum Elite
  • ********
  • Join Date: Jun 2013
  • Posts: 2552
  • Total likes: 193
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 1
    • View Profile
Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2262 on: January 31, 2017, 01:17:55 AM »
Customer: Hi. How much is your
paint? Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends
on quite a lot of things.
..................................
Clerk: No, we’ll charge you an
extra use fee plus the
difference on your next gallon
of paint. But I believe you’re
getting it now, sir. Customer: You’re insane! Clerk: Thanks for painting with
Friday Fun Airlines!

I think this was awesome!

About a third of the way through I guessed what the author was getting at.

I received this on Thursday night, now although this really should've been posted on a Friday, I was looking for that right thread to post in until I just gave up and put it here.

Offline sag95

  • Dansdeals Platinum Elite
  • ****
  • Join Date: Jun 2015
  • Posts: 433
  • Total likes: 15
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 1
    • View Profile
Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2263 on: January 31, 2017, 01:25:30 AM »
I think this was awesome!

About a third of the way through I guessed what the author was getting at.

I received this on Thursday night, now although this really should've been posted on a Friday, I was looking for that right thread to post in until I just gave up and put it here.
Not bad, but were you really looking for the right thread since Friday?

Offline MeirS

  • Dansdeals Presidential Platinum Elite
  • ********
  • Join Date: Jun 2013
  • Posts: 2552
  • Total likes: 193
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 1
    • View Profile
Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2264 on: January 31, 2017, 01:29:16 AM »
Not bad, but were you really looking for the right thread since Friday?
Yup!
During all my spare time since Friday!

Online etech0

  • Dansdeals Lifetime 10K Presidential Platinum Elite
  • *******
  • Join Date: Dec 2013
  • Posts: 12861
  • Total likes: 3316
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 1
    • View Profile
  • Location: not lakewood
  • Programs: DDF
Workflowy. You won't know what you're missing until you try it.

Offline AnonymousUser

  • Dansdeals Presidential Platinum Elite
  • ********
  • Join Date: Feb 2013
  • Posts: 3001
  • Total likes: 13
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 0
    • View Profile
Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2266 on: February 02, 2017, 11:15:01 PM »
I think this was awesome!

About a third of the way through I guessed what the author was getting at.

I received this on Thursday night, now although this really should've been posted on a Friday, I was looking for that right thread to post in until I just gave up and put it here.
I thought it was Verizon, but it's not fully parallel.

Offline Freddie

  • Dansdeals Presidential Platinum Elite
  • ********
  • Join Date: Apr 2013
  • Posts: 3088
  • Total likes: 308
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 1
    • View Profile
  • Location: Pittsburgh
Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2267 on: February 03, 2017, 01:25:22 AM »
Why get involved in Halachic Shaalos?

There were quite a few people who were instructed by the Rebbe to travel to Australia without crossing the dateline.

Sefira or b'chlal?

Offline ExGingi

  • Dansdeals Lifetime 10K Presidential Platinum Elite
  • *******
  • Join Date: Nov 2015
  • Posts: 15618
  • Total likes: 7712
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 19
    • View Profile
  • Location: 770
  • Programs: בשורת הגאולה. From Exile to Redemption. GIYF. AAdvantage Executive Platinum®
Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2268 on: February 03, 2017, 04:56:24 AM »
Sefira or b'chlal?
That. IINM Groner was advised to do so. I know I have heard such things from more than one person, I just can't recall now who it was.

Sefira wasn't a הוראה פרטית, it was a הוראה כללית (which is unfortunately trampled upon regularly nowadays, in what I would consider חילול השם בפרהסיה).
I've been waiting over 5 years with bated breath for someone to say that!
-- Dan

Offline lechatchileh ariber

  • Dansdeals Platinum Elite + Lifetime Gold Elite
  • ******
  • Join Date: Mar 2013
  • Posts: 836
  • Total likes: 26
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 1
    • View Profile
Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2269 on: February 10, 2017, 03:51:56 AM »
בסיום השיעור היומי, פנה התלמיד לרבו בשאלה:
זה עתה למדנו שאין בן דוד בא עד שתכלה הפרוטה מן הכיס. משמע שבזה תלוי ביאת המשיח. במקום אחר נאמר כי ביאת המשיח תלוי בזכות נשים צדקניות.
ענה לו המלמד, תלמידי היקר, שתגדל תבין כי אין כאן סתירה: "בזכות נשים צדקניות תכלה הפרוטה מהכיס"...
I don't sin, I give myself opportunities to repent.

Offline Work-for-ur-muny

  • Dansdeals Presidential Platinum Elite
  • ********
  • Join Date: Dec 2014
  • Posts: 3086
  • Total likes: 326
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 34
    • View Profile
Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2270 on: February 12, 2017, 02:32:27 PM »
בסיום השיעור היומי, פנה התלמיד לרבו בשאלה:
זה עתה למדנו שאין בן דוד בא עד שתכלה הפרוטה מן הכיס. משמע שבזה תלוי ביאת המשיח. במקום אחר נאמר כי ביאת המשיח תלוי בזכות נשים צדקניות.
ענה לו המלמד, תלמידי היקר, שתגדל תבין כי אין כאן סתירה: "בזכות נשים צדקניות תכלה הפרוטה מהכיס"...
FTFY

Offline YitzyS

  • Dansdeals Lifetime Presidential Platinum Elite
  • *********
  • Join Date: Jan 2015
  • Posts: 5552
  • Total likes: 13696
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 34
  • Gender: Male
    • View Profile
  • Location: Lakewood, NJ
Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2271 on: February 13, 2017, 05:44:44 PM »
A black man came over to me in the library and asked me where the color printer was. I said, "hey dude, it's 2017, you can use whichever printer you want."

Offline username

  • Dansdeals Presidential Platinum Elite
  • ********
  • Join Date: Jul 2008
  • Posts: 4530
  • Total likes: 602
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 14
  • Gender: Male
    • View Profile
  • Location: C Heights
  • Programs: ┌──────────────────┐ │───> Ữ₴ΣЯИΛΜӘ <─── │ └──────────────────┘
Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2272 on: March 09, 2017, 03:56:38 PM »
^^^

Offline hachover

  • Dansdeals Platinum Elite + Lifetime Silver Elite
  • *****
  • Join Date: Feb 2016
  • Posts: 516
  • Total likes: 102
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 0
  • Gender: Male
    • View Profile
  • Location: Sector ZZ9 Plural Z Alpha
Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2273 on: March 09, 2017, 05:49:07 PM »
Apparently, there is another way.

Lawyer, lawyer, pants on foyer?
I'm an optimist; but only because life isn't going to give me any other good choices.

Offline username

  • Dansdeals Presidential Platinum Elite
  • ********
  • Join Date: Jul 2008
  • Posts: 4530
  • Total likes: 602
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 14
  • Gender: Male
    • View Profile
  • Location: C Heights
  • Programs: ┌──────────────────┐ │───> Ữ₴ΣЯИΛΜӘ <─── │ └──────────────────┘
Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2274 on: March 14, 2017, 12:53:11 PM »
"Since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. My wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare...If it gets much worse, I may have to let her in…"
^^^

Offline grodnoking

  • Dansdeals Lifetime Presidential Platinum Elite
  • *********
  • Join Date: Nov 2014
  • Posts: 5847
  • Total likes: 767
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 17
    • View Profile
Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2275 on: March 27, 2017, 12:37:04 PM »
A rabbi, A Hindu, and a politician took a hike together one day. As they took the hike they got lost in the woods. Right before nightfall they managed to find a farm, and they decide they would ask the farmer if they could sleep there for the night. The farmer agreed to let them sleep there, but he said there was one problem - he only had two beds so someone will need to sleep in the barn.

So they discussed it amongst themselves and decided that the Hindu would sleep in the barn, as he'd probably feel the most comfortable there.

As the rabbi and the politician drifted off to sleep they heard vigorous knocking at the door. They opened it up to see the Hindu who exclaimed "I cannot sleep in the barn! There is a cow there, and i cannot sleep in the same place as a cow!"
So the rabbi decided that he'll sleep in the barn.
As the hindu and the politician drifted off to sleep they heard vigorous knocking at the door. They opened it up to see the rabbi who exclaimed "I cannot sleep in the barn! There is a pig there, and i cannot sleep in the same place as a pig!"

So they decided that the politician would have to sleep in the barn.
As the rabbi and the Hindu drifted off to sleep they heard vigorous knocking at the door.


They opened it up to see a cow and a pig standing there, who exclaimed "We cannot sleep in the barn! There is a politician in the barn, there is no way we'll sleep with as a politician!"
I'm not who you think I am.

Offline Work-for-ur-muny

  • Dansdeals Presidential Platinum Elite
  • ********
  • Join Date: Dec 2014
  • Posts: 3086
  • Total likes: 326
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 34
    • View Profile
Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2276 on: March 27, 2017, 09:15:18 PM »
A rabbi, A Hindu, and a politician took a hike together one day. As they took the hike they got lost in the woods. Right before nightfall they managed to find a farm, and they decide they would ask the farmer if they could sleep there for the night. The farmer agreed to let them sleep there, but he said there was one problem - he only had two beds so someone will need to sleep in the barn.

So they discussed it amongst themselves and decided that the Hindu would sleep in the barn, as he'd probably feel the most comfortable there.

As the rabbi and the politician drifted off to sleep they heard vigorous knocking at the door. They opened it up to see the Hindu who exclaimed "I cannot sleep in the barn! There is a cow there, and i cannot sleep in the same place as a cow!"
So the rabbi decided that he'll sleep in the barn.
As the hindu and the politician drifted off to sleep they heard vigorous knocking at the door. They opened it up to see the rabbi who exclaimed "I cannot sleep in the barn! There is a pig there, and i cannot sleep in the same place as a pig!"

So they decided that the politician would have to sleep in the barn.
As the rabbi and the Hindu drifted off to sleep they heard vigorous knocking at the door.


They opened it up to see a cow and a pig standing there, who exclaimed "We cannot sleep in the barn! There is a politician in the barn, there is no way we'll sleep with as a politician!"
Reminds me of the saying (is it from Der Letzter Gedank?) where someone was told to sleep in the barn (or something like that), and upon pointing out the horrible smell he was told, "Zurg dich nisht, der kee vet zich shoin tzeegevoinen tzim shmek"...

Offline talmid chuchem

  • Dansdeals Lifetime Platinum Elite
  • *******
  • Join Date: Oct 2014
  • Posts: 1130
  • Total likes: 67
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 5
    • View Profile
Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2277 on: March 28, 2017, 03:46:03 AM »
Reminds me of the saying (is it from Der Letzter Gedank?) where someone was told to sleep in the barn (or something like that), and upon pointing out the horrible smell he was told, "Zurg dich nisht, der kee vet zich shoin tzeegevoinen tzim shmek"...
Or like Yankel Miller saw someone walking with a chicken on Erev Yom Kippur, he asked him "why are you sleeping around such a big cow?". The man replied "it's a chicken not a cow!", So Yankel Miller said "I'm talking to the chicken, not to you!"

Offline MeirS

  • Dansdeals Presidential Platinum Elite
  • ********
  • Join Date: Jun 2013
  • Posts: 2552
  • Total likes: 193
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 1
    • View Profile
Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2278 on: March 28, 2017, 08:47:59 AM »
How ironic

Offline talmid chuchem

  • Dansdeals Lifetime Platinum Elite
  • *******
  • Join Date: Oct 2014
  • Posts: 1130
  • Total likes: 67
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 5
    • View Profile
Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2279 on: March 28, 2017, 11:59:57 AM »