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If you actually laugh out loud, write AALOL

http://forums.dansdeals.com/index.php?topic=344.msg1561282#msg1561282
« Last edited by Baruch on September 18, 2016, 09:14:18 PM »

Author Topic: Jokes Master Thread  (Read 436881 times)

Offline as2

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2340 on: February 01, 2018, 12:21:05 PM »
Well. The old version of something like this that I heard was that when Anwar Sadat came to speak in the Knesset, he commented upon exiting the restrooms how advanced the Israelis are, that they stock the restrooms with tissues to wipe your fingers clean after you had used them to wipe your....
ALOL! Such a foreign concept to some I guess.
Memories last forever, make them while you can.

Offline stooges44

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2341 on: February 01, 2018, 04:57:29 PM »
Old but still good:

Why, Why, Why do we press harder on the remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee due to insufficient funds; when they already know you're broke?

Why is it that when someone tells you that there are one billion stars in the universe you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint you have to touch it to check?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose cruel idea was it to put an "s" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that, no matter what color bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people run over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it and then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

How do those dead bugs get into the enclosed light fixtures?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

Why, in winter, do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

The statistics on sanity say that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're OK..? (then it's you!)
If it's not free shipping it's not worth it.

Offline as2

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2342 on: February 01, 2018, 05:17:13 PM »
Old but still good:

Why, Why, Why do we press harder on the remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee due to insufficient funds; when they already know you're broke?

Why is it that when someone tells you that there are one billion stars in the universe you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint you have to touch it to check?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose cruel idea was it to put an "s" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that, no matter what color bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people run over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it and then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

How do those dead bugs get into the enclosed light fixtures?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

Why, in winter, do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

The statistics on sanity say that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're OK..? (then it's you!)
These can be found on the magnets on the walls of the bathroom at milts.
Memories last forever, make them while you can.

Offline etech0

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2343 on: March 07, 2018, 10:26:39 PM »
The waiter comes up to the gentleman and says, "And how did you find your steak, sir?"

"I just moved my potato and there it was!"
Workflowy. You won't know what you're missing until you try it.

Offline etech0

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2344 on: March 14, 2018, 11:30:28 PM »
There once was a girl from Japan
Whose limericks never would scan
When they asked her why
She replied 'because I
Try to fit as many syllables into the concluding line of the limerick as I possibly can!'
Workflowy. You won't know what you're missing until you try it.

Offline henche

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2345 on: March 14, 2018, 11:40:44 PM »
There once was a girl from Japan
Whose limericks never would scan
When they asked her why
She replied 'because I
Try to fit as many syllables into the concluding line of the limerick as I possibly can!'

What's scan

Offline etech0

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2346 on: March 14, 2018, 11:50:05 PM »
What's scan
Into the limerick computer, of course
Workflowy. You won't know what you're missing until you try it.

Offline cmey

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2347 on: June 10, 2018, 01:23:55 AM »
For those learning Yevamos:

A psychiatrist visited a California mental institution and asked a patient, “How did you get here? What was the nature of your illness?” He got the following reply.

"Well, it all started when I got married and I guess I should never have done it. I married a widow with a grown daughter who then became my stepdaughter.

My dad came to visit us, fell in love with my lovely stepdaughter, then married her. And so my stepdaughter was now my stepmother. Soon, my wife had a son who was, of course, my daddy’s brother-in-law since he is the half-brother of my stepdaughter, who is now, of course, my daddy’s wife.

So, as I told you, when my stepdaughter married my daddy, she was at once my stepmother! Now, since my new son is brother to my stepmother, he also became my uncle. As you know, my wife is my step-grandmother since she is my stepmother’s mother. Don’t forget that my stepmother is my stepdaughter. Remember, too, that I am my wife’s grandson.

But hold on just a few minutes more. You see, since I’m married to my step-grandmother, I am not only the wife’s grandson and her hubby, but I am also my own grandfather. Now can you understand how I got put in this place?"

Offline GAM Z.

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2348 on: June 10, 2018, 01:45:00 AM »
For those learning Yevamos:

A psychiatrist visited a California mental institution and asked a patient, “How did you get here? What was the nature of your illness?” He got the following reply.

"Well, it all started when I got married and I guess I should never have done it. I married a widow with a grown daughter who then became my stepdaughter.

My dad came to visit us, fell in love with my lovely stepdaughter, then married her. And so my stepdaughter was now my stepmother. Soon, my wife had a son who was, of course, my daddy’s brother-in-law since he is the half-brother of my stepdaughter, who is now, of course, my daddy’s wife.

So, as I told you, when my stepdaughter married my daddy, she was at once my stepmother! Now, since my new son is brother to my stepmother, he also became my uncle. As you know, my wife is my step-grandmother since she is my stepmother’s mother. Don’t forget that my stepmother is my stepdaughter. Remember, too, that I am my wife’s grandson.

But hold on just a few minutes more. You see, since I’m married to my step-grandmother, I am not only the wife’s grandson and her hubby, but I am also my own grandfather. Now can you understand how I got put in this place?"
Similar to the gemara in Yevamos 97b

Offline cmey

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2349 on: June 10, 2018, 02:50:03 AM »
Similar to the gemara in Yevamos 97b

Except those are actual relationships rather than step relationships...

Offline Iz

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2350 on: June 24, 2018, 01:01:53 PM »
 :o

Offline yesitsme

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2351 on: June 24, 2018, 01:10:45 PM »
:o
Could you convert it to a jpg and embed?

Offline davidrotts63

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2352 on: June 24, 2018, 01:15:37 PM »
Could you convert it to a jpg and embed?
.
(Quit) pulling out the flowers, and watering the weeds. -Peter Lynch

Offline gingyguy

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2353 on: June 24, 2018, 02:03:08 PM »
For those learning Yevamos:

A psychiatrist visited a California mental institution and asked a patient, “How did you get here? What was the nature of your illness?” He got the following reply.

"Well, it all started when I got married and I guess I should never have done it. I married a widow with a grown daughter who then became my stepdaughter.

My dad came to visit us, fell in love with my lovely stepdaughter, then married her. And so my stepdaughter was now my stepmother. Soon, my wife had a son who was, of course, my daddy’s brother-in-law since he is the half-brother of my stepdaughter, who is now, of course, my daddy’s wife.

So, as I told you, when my stepdaughter married my daddy, she was at once my stepmother! Now, since my new son is brother to my stepmother, he also became my uncle. As you know, my wife is my step-grandmother since she is my stepmother’s mother. Don’t forget that my stepmother is my stepdaughter. Remember, too, that I am my wife’s grandson.

But hold on just a few minutes more. You see, since I’m married to my step-grandmother, I am not only the wife’s grandson and her hubby, but I am also my own grandfather. Now can you understand how I got put in this place?"
May you slide down the banister of happiness & get many splinters of success up your career.

Offline TimT

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2354 on: July 08, 2018, 01:44:25 AM »
From twitter:

I just walked into the local liberal-run bookstore and asked for Trump’s new immigration book.

The owner said “Get the f@+# out!”

I said “Yeah, that one.”

Offline myi

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2355 on: July 11, 2018, 02:56:55 PM »
WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY?
👍 👍 👍 👍
If swimming is a good exercise to stay FIT, why are whales FAT????
😳😳😳😳
Why is the place in a stadium where people SIT, called a STAND????
😣😣😣😣
Why is that everyone wants to go to HEAVEN,
but nobody wants to DIE????
😱😱😱😱
In our country, we have FREEDOM of SPEECH, then why do we have TELEPHONE BILLS????
😡😡😡😡
If money doesn't grow on TREES, then why do BANKS have BRANCHES?
😆😆😆😆
Why doesn't GLUE
stick to its BOTTLE????
😭😭😭😭
Why do you still call it a BUILDING, when its already BUILT????
😨😨😨😨
If it is true that we are here to HELP others, what are others HERE for????
😆😆😆😆
If you aren't supposed to DRINK and DRIVE,
why do bars have PARKING lots????
😲😲😲😲
If all the nations in the world are in DEBT,
where did all the MONEY go????
😧😧😧😧
When dog food is new with improved TASTE, who TESTS it for taste????
🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗
If the "Black Box" flight recorder Is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff????
🙀🙀🙀🙀
Who copyrighted
the copyright symbol????
🙈🙈🙈🙈
Can you cry under water?
😂😭😂😭
Why do people say "You've been working like a dog," when dogs just sit around all day????
😆😆😆😆
We all are living in a seriously funny world!!!!
So Enjoy!!!! 😊😊😊😊
Don't laugh alone pass it on.
Hope this will make you laugh and think!!!!
😂😂😂😂I
Don't try to be someone else , be who you are because everyone else is taken.

Offline noturbizniss

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2356 on: October 18, 2018, 03:37:59 PM »
So true!
READ THE DARN WIKI!!!!

Chuck Norris...
...can still do FT method
...READS THE WIKI!!!

Offline whYME

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2357 on: October 18, 2018, 03:41:51 PM »

Offline Dan

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« Last Edit: October 18, 2018, 04:08:46 PM by Dan »
Save your time, I don't answer PM. Post it in the forum and a dedicated DDF'er will get back to you as soon as possible.

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