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If you actually laugh out loud, write AALOL

http://forums.dansdeals.com/index.php?topic=344.msg1561282#msg1561282
« Last edited by Baruch on September 18, 2016, 09:14:18 PM »

Author Topic: Jokes Master Thread  (Read 438043 times)

Offline ~King Lake~

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2380 on: May 15, 2019, 11:09:48 AM »
why isn't the top/front of the pillow made out of the same cool and comfy material that the back/bottom is made of??
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Offline pointer

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2381 on: May 18, 2019, 11:20:45 PM »
I told you I'll be there in five minutes, Stop calling me every half hour.

Offline cmey

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2382 on: May 19, 2019, 02:43:40 AM »
A guy goes to the doctor and says “Doc, I want to live to be 100”. So the doctor pulls out his prescription pad and starts to write: Early to bed, early to rise. No smoking. No drinking. No women. No anger or excitement. No meat, only vegetables and legumes.

The guy says ”Doc, if I do all of this I’ll live to be 100?”
“Probably not,” answers the doctor,” but it will feel like it.”

Offline ~King Lake~

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2383 on: May 19, 2019, 08:32:24 AM »
” but it will feel like it.”
Or he won't wanna live to the 100 anymore
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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2384 on: May 19, 2019, 09:08:10 AM »
Alternative ending:

“Doc!! no smoking, no drinking, no women ?? I said I want to LIVE till 100”

Offline Yonah

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2385 on: May 20, 2019, 02:09:50 PM »
A guy goes to the doctor and says “Doc, I want to live to be 100”. So the doctor pulls out his prescription pad and starts to write: Early to bed, early to rise. No smoking. No drinking. No women. No anger or excitement. No meat, only vegetables and legumes.

The guy says ”Doc, if I do all of this I’ll live to be 100?”
“Probably not,” answers the doctor,” but it will feel like it.”

Reminds me of this one:

- A reporter is tasked with finding older individuals in the park and asking the secret to their longevity. He sees three elderly gentlemen and decides to ask them their secrets. He asks the first man how old he is, and then man says he's 85. He asks his secret to longevity, and he tells him that he never smoked cigarettes a day in his life. He approaches the second man and asks him how old he is, the man says - I am 88. He asks him the secret to his longevity, and the man tells him that he's sworn off alcohol. Finally he approaches the third man. "So what's your secret?" the reporter asks him - "No smoking?" - " I've smoked a pack a day, everyday for years". "Well, probably no drinking then?" asks the reporter - "I drink like a fish", said the 3rd man. "Wow, so you smoke and drink and you don't look much older or much worse than these two guys here - how old are you?" "I'm 54" :)

Offline pointer

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2386 on: May 26, 2019, 10:53:33 PM »
An uber is cruising down a boulevard when it runs a red light.

"Hey!" the passenger shouts. "Be careful!"

"Don"t worry," says the driver. "My Cousin, he does this all the time."

 He barrels through the next red light, and the passenger screams, "Stop doing that!"
 
"I'm telling you" says the driver "My cousin, he does this all the time."

They approach the next light. Just when it turns green, the driver slams on the brakes.
The confused passenger asks, "You just ran two red lights; why'd you stop at a green?"

"I had to" says the driver. "My cousin, he might have been coming."

Offline sguitarist18

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2387 on: May 27, 2019, 08:06:07 AM »
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural New Jersey. He shot a bird, but it fell into farmer's field on the other side of a fence.                   

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.         

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."       

    The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."     

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in New York and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."                 

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in New Jersey.  We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'"       

The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"               

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."     

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.               

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!       

His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and remaining strength and very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."       

The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."

Offline ~King Lake~

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2388 on: May 27, 2019, 04:51:16 PM »
You never appreciate what you have till it's gone.
Toilet paper is a good example.
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Offline pointer

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2389 on: May 27, 2019, 04:58:53 PM »
I recently bought a new toilet brush.

long story short, I'm switching back to toilet paper.

Offline ~King Lake~

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2390 on: May 28, 2019, 11:35:45 AM »
When i say "lemme call you right back"
That means "enjoy the rest of your day".
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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2391 on: May 28, 2019, 08:57:42 PM »
Is anyone out here, the type of person that tries falling back asleep in the morning just to finish the dream?
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Offline skyguy918

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2392 on: May 29, 2019, 09:59:26 AM »
Is anyone out here, the type of person that tries falling back asleep in the morning just to finish the dream?
On the right day, that's definitely me. But what does that have to do with the joke thread?

Offline Definitions

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2393 on: May 29, 2019, 12:46:08 PM »
On the right day, that's definitely me. But what does that have to do with the joke thread?
Sounds like a comedians line to me

Offline Something Fishy

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2394 on: May 29, 2019, 05:17:16 PM »
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural New Jersey. He shot a bird, but it fell into farmer's field on the other side of a fence.                   

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Offline pointer

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2395 on: May 30, 2019, 08:18:15 PM »
DOC: Your dad has been in a coma for nine days. We're running out of ideas.
ME: Let me try something (goes to adjust thermostat)
DAD: (opens one eye)


#sorelatable

Offline az

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2396 on: June 03, 2019, 12:22:47 PM »
.

Offline pointer

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Offline ~King Lake~

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2398 on: June 04, 2019, 02:22:51 PM »
Read this out loud:

This is this cat.
This is is cat.
This is how cat.
This is to cat.
This is keep cat.
This is an cat.
This is idiot cat.
This is busy cat.
This is for cat.
This is thirty cat.
This is seconds cat.

Now go back and read the third word only in each line from the start.
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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2399 on: June 04, 2019, 04:48:54 PM »
Read this out loud:

This is this cat.
This is is cat.
This is how cat.
This is to cat.
This is keep cat.
This is an cat.
This is idiot cat.
This is busy cat.
This is for cat.
This is thirty cat.
This is seconds cat.

Now go back and read the third word only in each line from the start.
Thirty seconds? Wow, you type fast!  :P
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