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« Last edited by Baruch on September 18, 2016, 09:14:18 PM »

Author Topic: Jokes Master Thread  (Read 314003 times)

Offline ExGingi

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2460 on: August 26, 2019, 09:05:58 PM »
This one emanates from the Europe:

Q. How do you describe a person that speaks two languages?
A. Bi-lingual.

Q. How about a person that can speak 3 languages?
A. Tri-lingual.

Q. And a person that speaks many languages?
A. A polyglot.

Q. How about a person that can only speak one language?
A. An American.
I've been waiting over 5 years with bated breath for someone to say that!
-- Dan

Offline Yonah

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2461 on: August 27, 2019, 11:44:42 AM »
This one emanates from the Europe:

Q. How do you describe a person that speaks two languages?
A. Bi-lingual.

Q. How about a person that can speak 3 languages?
A. Tri-lingual.

Q. And a person that speaks many languages?
A. A polyglot.

Q. How about a person that can only speak one language?
A. An American.

Very similarly: "How do you spot the American in Paris? He's the only one insisting that people speak English to him"

Offline ExGingi

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2462 on: August 27, 2019, 01:40:27 PM »
Very similarly: "How do you spot the American in Paris? He's the only one insisting that people speak English to him"

I've had personal experience with that. Try to speak English, and the response is a facial expression and a sound made by letting out air from tightly closed lips along with a shrug of the shoulders. Try talking in the even in the most broken French, and they'll politely answer you in English.
« Last Edit: August 27, 2019, 03:48:28 PM by ExGingi »
I've been waiting over 5 years with bated breath for someone to say that!
-- Dan

Offline Yonah

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2463 on: August 27, 2019, 02:29:16 PM »
I've had personal experience with that. Try to speak English, and the response is a facial expression and a sound made by letting out air from tightly closed lips. Try talking in the even in the most broken French, and they'll politely answer you in English.

I had this experience when I lived in Israel. You start speaking Hebrew to someone and they hear your accent and they say... 'No, It's okay, I speak english'. When that happened, I'd go into my full-on NY, 300 wpm english and then after the first sentence they'd quickly flip back to hebrew

Offline Yonah

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2464 on: August 27, 2019, 02:30:18 PM »
On the subject of Hebrew:

What did the Israeli Ambassador to Tokyo call his Chaffeur?

Ishimoto!

Offline ExGingi

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2465 on: August 27, 2019, 03:50:59 PM »
I had this experience when I lived in Israel. You start speaking Hebrew to someone and they hear your accent and they say... 'No, It's okay, I speak english'. When that happened, I'd go into my full-on NY, 300 wpm english and then after the first sentence they'd quickly flip back to hebrew

When attempting French just stick in at the end lentemant s'il-vous-plait, so you don't get bombarded with 300wpm French.
I've been waiting over 5 years with bated breath for someone to say that!
-- Dan

Offline Yonah

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2466 on: August 30, 2019, 12:21:20 PM »
After WWII, Albert Einstein moved to the US and would travel from university to university to deliver talks on his theory of relativity. For these trips, he had a Chauffeur named Bob who'd drive him from school to school. Bob would also sit in and listen to the lectures. One day, on their way to a lecture, Bob turns to Einstein and says - "you know, I've heard your lecture so many times, I could probably give it at this point." To which Einstein replies - "maybe you should - let's switch!". Given it was the 1950s and pictures of einstein weren't widly distributed, they figured why not. So about a mile from the college, they switch spots, and Bob gets up to give the lecture, while Einstein, dressed as the Chauffer, takes a seat in the back of the auditorium.

Much to Einstein's surprise, Bob is spot on. He delivers the talk perfectly, and even answers the first few questions from the audience. Of course, most of the questions are the same one people usually ask, and so Bob already knows the answers. But then, the department chair asks a more difficult question, one that Einstein knows Bob can't possibly answer. He waits with baited breath to see what Bob would do. Bob looks at the professor and without missing a beat, says:

"That's such an east question, even my Chauffeur can answer it!"

Offline Yonah

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2467 on: August 30, 2019, 12:25:59 PM »
After the Yom Kippur War, Gold Meir comes to Washington to thank President Nixon for the US help in winning the war. During the conversation, he suggests that they have an exchange of Generals. "Seeing that the Israeli generals had experience fighting against soviet equipment and tactics in 67 and 73, it would be beneficial for the US military to learn from them. Maybe you could send us some generals of yours, and in return we could send you generals of ours," suggested Nixon. "Which generals did you have in mind?," asked Meir. "We were thinking maybe Generals Tal, Sharon, and Gur - what Generals would Israel like in return?", replied Nixon. "Only two, " replied Meir, " General Motors and General Electric"

Offline 12HRS

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2468 on: August 30, 2019, 04:16:36 PM »
After WWII, Albert Einstein moved to the US and would travel from university to university to deliver talks on his theory of relativity. For these trips, he had a Chauffeur named Bob who'd drive him from school to school. Bob would also sit in and listen to the lectures. One day, on their way to a lecture, Bob turns to Einstein and says - "you know, I've heard your lecture so many times, I could probably give it at this point." To which Einstein replies - "maybe you should - let's switch!". Given it was the 1950s and pictures of einstein weren't widly distributed, they figured why not. So about a mile from the college, they switch spots, and Bob gets up to give the lecture, while Einstein, dressed as the Chauffer, takes a seat in the back of the auditorium.

Much to Einstein's surprise, Bob is spot on. He delivers the talk perfectly, and even answers the first few questions from the audience. Of course, most of the questions are the same one people usually ask, and so Bob already knows the answers. But then, the department chair asks a more difficult question, one that Einstein knows Bob can't possibly answer. He waits with baited breath to see what Bob would do. Bob looks at the professor and without missing a beat, says:

"That's such an east question, even my Chauffeur can answer it!"

Ive heard this story replaced with rebbe and wagon driver many times before.

Offline YitzyS

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2469 on: August 31, 2019, 11:02:09 PM »
After WWII, Albert Einstein moved to the US and would travel from university to university to deliver talks on his theory of relativity. For these trips, he had a Chauffeur named Bob who'd drive him from school to school. Bob would also sit in and listen to the lectures. One day, on their way to a lecture, Bob turns to Einstein and says - "you know, I've heard your lecture so many times, I could probably give it at this point." To which Einstein replies - "maybe you should - let's switch!". Given it was the 1950s and pictures of einstein weren't widly distributed, they figured why not. So about a mile from the college, they switch spots, and Bob gets up to give the lecture, while Einstein, dressed as the Chauffer, takes a seat in the back of the auditorium.

Much to Einstein's surprise, Bob is spot on. He delivers the talk perfectly, and even answers the first few questions from the audience. Of course, most of the questions are the same one people usually ask, and so Bob already knows the answers. But then, the department chair asks a more difficult question, one that Einstein knows Bob can't possibly answer. He waits with baited breath to see what Bob would do. Bob looks at the professor and without missing a beat, says:

"That's such an east question, even my Chauffeur can answer it!"
Ive heard this story replaced with rebbe and wagon driver many times before.

Related masterfully in this Moshe Yess song:
https://music.apple.com/us/album/the-wagoneer/609924885?i=609925179

Offline TimT

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2470 on: September 04, 2019, 02:18:27 PM »
A lady lost her husband. She asked the Chevra Kadisha to bury him 50 feet underground. When questioned on why it needs to be so deep she says “because deep deep down he has a good heart”.

Offline yos9694

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2471 on: September 04, 2019, 04:51:52 PM »
I was nailing the succah boards together with my son until he said to me, "Dad, could you start using the hammer now?"

Offline Yonah

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2472 on: September 05, 2019, 02:19:13 PM »
A Rabbi, a priest, and a Minister are discussing their fundraising tactics.

The priest says - 'I try a hard-guilt approach: I generally talk for about 30 minutes about how G-d frowns on people that are fortunate that don't share with those in need, and at the end of the service, the plate is full'

The minister says -'I try a softer sell: I speak for about 35 minutes about how wonderfully blessed we are, and how our g-dly duty is to share g-ds blessing with others, and after the service is over, everyone is handing me a check."

The Rabbi says -'It's funny, I try a combination of those techniques. I get up at the pulpit at the beginning of the service and I tell the congregation they have 3 choices for today's sermon - I can give a 30 minute guilt-fest to get them to give money, I can talk for 35 minutes about how fortunate they are to make them realize that they should be more generous, or if they meet the fundraising goal before the sermon is scheduled to start, I won't speak at all. I've yet to give a speech".

Offline farmbochur

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2473 on: September 10, 2019, 06:38:19 AM »
As told by TSA agent this morning:

What do you call a red headed ninja?

A ginja
Risk is opportunity

Offline Yonah

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Re: Jokes Master Thread
« Reply #2474 on: September 13, 2019, 04:44:41 PM »
I have a friend, he's half a Yecki, half a Chosid. He's always EXACTLY one hour late.