Jokes Master Thread

[~King Lake~]

Why do  (computer) keyboards never sleep?
Because they have 2 shifts.

To those who don't get it, the keyboard has 2 shift buttons

[TimT]

מיט וואס איז א ראש הכולל מיט די לבנה גלייך

ביידע שטייען העכער דיר א גאנצן חודש און סוף חודש זענען זיי נישט צום געפינען

[etech0]

מיט וואס איז א ראש הכולל מיט די לבנה גלייך

ביידע שטייען העכער דיר א גאנצן חודש און סוף חודש זענען זיי נישט צום געפינען

[YitzyS]

How is the moon and a Rosh Kollel similar?
Both stand above you the entire month, and they disappear near the end of the month.

[etech0]

How is the moon and a Rosh Kollel similar?
Both stand above you the entire month, and they disappear near the end of the month.

That's better!

[Yonah]

How is the moon and a Rosh Kollel similar?
Both stand above you the entire month, and they disappear near the end of the month.

Forgive my ignorance - is that a salary joke?

[TimT]

Forgive my ignorance - is that a salary joke?

They disappear come paycheck time

[Yonah]

How is the moon and a Rosh Kollel similar?
Both stand above you the entire month, and they disappear near the end of the month.

On the topic of the Moon:

What is the hardest mitzvah to perform in <fill in a Jewish Community known to be unfriendly>?
Kiddush levana, because not only do you have to bring yourself to saying Shalom Aleichem to 3 people, you have to wait for them to say it back.

[Yonah]

How much space did the EU free up because of Brexit?

1 GB

[a mirrer]

 

[TimT]

מען האט געפרעגט ר חיים קנייבסקי, אויב די בחירות געפאלט אין פורים, וואס דארף זיין קודם קריאת מגילה אדער בחירות, האט ער גענטפערט "בחירות קודם", תדיר ושאינו תדיר, תדיר קודם.

[Yonah]

מען האט געפרעגט ר חיים קנייבסקי, אויב די בחירות געפאלט אין פורים, וואס דארף זיין קודם קריאת מגילה אדער בחירות, האט ער גענטפערט "בחירות קודם", תדיר ושאינו תדיר, תדיר קודם.

ROTFLMAO!!!!!

[yesitsme]

I just scored 177 on an online IQ Test! All I had to do was answer three questions correctly.

1. My CC Number
2. A copy of my birth certificate
3. My SSN

They're shipping my certificate from Nigeria next week. Can't wait to show off!

I saw a similar one in real life
we were discussing online phishing scams, and someone pipes up
"yup I'm protected I had a virus and apple charged my CC to clean my PC"
basically he had a pop up on his screen to submit the cc info and download some AV....

[Yonah]

A reporter for an Israeli news service is conducting a "man on the street" survey about an ongoing meat shortage.

He stops an Oleh from Russia and asks "Excuse me sir, what is your opinion of the meat shortage?"
The Russian replies = "What is an 'Opinion'?"

He stops an Oleh from Ethiopia and asks "Excuse me sir, what is your opinion of the meat shortage?"
The Ethiopian replies = "What is 'Meat'?"

He stops an Oleh from the USA and asks "Excuse me sir, what is your opinion of the meat shortage?"
The American replies = "What is a 'Shortage'?"

Finally he stops a fellow Israeli and asks "Excuse me sir, what is your opinion of the meat shortage?"
The Sabra replies = "What is 'Excuse Me'?"

[Yonah]

What does an Israeli call his Japanese Chauffeur?

Ishimoto

[ExGingi]

What does an Israeli call his Japanese Chauffeur?

Ishimoto

That's ancient along with the following Israeli version of how things are said in Japanese:

Diaper = Sak ImKaki
Terrorist = Zuzu-o-tamutu
Bus Driver = Ishimegged
etc.

[Yonah]

That's ancient along with the following Israeli version of how things are said in Japanese:

so am I

Diaper = Sak ImKaki
Terrorist = Zuzu-o-tamutu
Bus Driver = Ishimegged
etc.

Need to use these

[ExGingi]

so am I

When told that a joke is old Shimon Dzigan used to say "why is it my fault that you've been living so long?"

[Iz]

The coronavirus won't last long; it's made in China.

[yuneeq]

That's ancient along with the following Israeli version of how things are said in Japanese:

Diaper = Sak ImKaki

Reminds me of this, yes it's a real product.