Author Topic: Jokes Master Thread  (Read 704948 times)

Offline Q274

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 Subject: Fw: Puns for Educated Minds     
1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.  He acquired his size from too much pi.
2.  I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3.  She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still..
4.  A teacher confiscated a rubber band pistol during algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5.  No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
6.  A dog who gave birth to puppies near the road was cited for littering.
7.  A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
 8.  Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10.  Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11.  Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12.  Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
13.  I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
14.  A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center reads: 'Keep off the Grass.'
15.  The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
16.  The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran. 
17.  A backward poet writes inverse.   
18.  In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
19.  When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion. 
20.  If you jumped off the bridge in Paris you'd be in Seine .   
21.  A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.' 
22.  Two fish swim into a concrete wall.  One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'
23  Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
24  Two hydrogen atoms meet.  One says, 'I've lost my electron.'
 The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'   
25.  Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root  canal? His goal: transcend dental medication. 
26.  There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.  No pun in ten did.

Offline Q274

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I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.
 
I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'
 
'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.
 
'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.
 
'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I must spend my time  trying to stay alive.'
 
'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.
'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'
 
'Well, I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you to dinner with my husband and me tonight.'
 
The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for that.  I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'
 
I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she  gives up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.

Offline Q274

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Did I read that sign right?
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW


In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT


In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS


In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN


In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD


Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?


Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS


Spotted in a safari park:(I sure hope so)
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR


Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR


Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.


Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS


On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

Offline Q274

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How to keep a woman happy.... Priceless!



It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:

1. A friend
2. A companion
3. A lover
4. A brother
5. A father
6. A master
7. A chef
8. An electrician
9. A carpenter
10. A plumber
11. A mechanic
12. A decorator
13. A stylist
14. An architect
15. A doctor
16. A psychologist
17. A pest exterminator
18. A psychiatrist
19. A healer
20. A good listener
21. An organizer
22. A good father
23. Very clean
24. Sympathetic
25. Athletic
26. Warm
27. Attentive
28. Gallant
29. Intelligent
30. Funny
31. Creative
32. Tender
33. Strong
34. Understanding
35. Tolerant
36. Prudent
37. Ambitious
38. Capable
39. Courageous
40. Determined
41. True
42. Dependable
43. Passionate
44. Compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. Give her compliments regularly
46. Love shopping
47. Be honest
48. Be very rich
49. Not stress her out
50. Not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53.Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes



HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY ???



1. Leave him alone  !!!!

Offline Q274

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: Sick Leave
I urgently needed a few days off work, but, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.

 I thought that maybe if I acted 'Crazy' then he would tell me to take a few days off.

 So I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

 My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.

 I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss might think I was 'Crazy' and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, 'What in the name of good GOD are you doing?'

 I told him I was a light bulb.

 He said, 'You are clearly stressed out.' Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.'
I jumped down and walked out of the office...
When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her,
 '..And where do you think you're going?!'

 (You're gonna love this....)
 
 
 
 
 
 

 She said, 'I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark

Offline Mikeoracle

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AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES


1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO

  HOLD THE VEGETABLES   WHILE YOU CHOP.

 

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING

THE SINK.

 

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A

FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A

TIMER.

 

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM

ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

 

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE

AFRAID TO COUGH.

 

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE

AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

 

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

Offline SuperFlyer

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What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about
achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these
questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:

H-A -R -D-W-O -R -K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

*And*

K -N -O -W-L -E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5= 96%

A-T -T -I -T -U -D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

MOST IMPORTANTLY!!!
B -U -L -L -S -H-I-(F) -T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that While 'Hard work'
and *Knowledge will get you close, and 'Attitude' will get you there,
it’s the **Bullshift** *that will put you over the top.

Offline elikay

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Wow! get those gematrias rolling!

Offline SuperFlyer

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63 pakistanis died in London this morning. 
It was not a terrorist attack ,a bunk bed collapsed.
The police are blaming ikea.

Offline SuperFlyer

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I hired an Irish Suicide Bomber the other day,

he said i can pay him when the jobs done.

Offline SuperFlyer

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Moshe: I was gonna commit suicide using 100 aspirins.
Yankel: So what happened?

Moshe: After 2 I felt much better!

Offline ?

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did you hear about the 80 year lady who became pregnant?

She hit the wrong button when she called kupat ha-ir

Offline arie

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Offline Chaikel

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Create professional looking itineraries.
Check out eliteitinerary.com

Offline Avid Reader

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Why was Shloime Hamelech the smartest man that ever lived: He was able to put up with 1000 shvigers.

Offline SuperFlyer

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Offline Yaalili

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Chanukah Joke (sorry a bit late...)

Q: What is the difference between the Oil of Chanukah, and Oil of Morrocan's?

A: The Oil of Chanukah was supposed to be for one day and it lasted for eight, however the other oil was enought for eight days, and only lasted for one :)

Offline beej

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bad request error after posting?

Offline SuperFlyer

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One day my mother was out, and my dad was in charge of me.

I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my favourite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my mom came home.

My dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' Mom waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy; and she watched him drink it up.

Then she said, (as only a mother would know), "'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water, is the toilet!"

Offline Avid Reader

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This guy Yankel is late for work as usual and is running out of the house to catch the bus to work. As he gets to the bus stop the bus is pulling away. Yankel screams wait wait but the bus just keeps driving, so Yankel chases the bus to the next stop, but just misses the bus again. He keeps chasing the bus and keeps missing it until he finally arrives to work by foot.
When he came home that day he screams to his wife, Leah, I saved $2.50 today. His wife asks how did you manage to do that, and Yankel explains that he missed the bus and kept chasing it until he got to work. His wife listens and says, Yankel, you're such a Chuchem, if you would have chased a taxi and you would have saved $25!